Logic has got me this far, but I know it can't take me much further. Now, I must let action flow from the core. Disconnect thought from mouth and body. Unburden the rational mind from visceral tasks. When I must use it, it must be kept moving and constantly flowing with momentum. Otherwise it will sink and I will drown. The inner primate must ( Read more... )

It's been a long time since I entertained ideas of love and companionship. I still missed it, I've just been patient. Maybe I've been too patient, too passive. I've been acting under the assumption that value will be recognized where it exists, even if it is not advertised. It seems this has been naive. Very few see through my abrasive shell. Many ( Read more... )

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It's been another year. There was struggle and challenge. There was recovery and yet more suffering. I've lost close friends but come closer to others. I've fallen far but come back even further. Time will tell whether I can maintain this recovery or seek necessary alternatives.

I'm still fighting my body and my mind, but I am no longer the only enemy. Fear of my struggle has reared its ugly head and I've found it to be a very dangerous motivator. I will not be afraid though because, like religion, fear "makes good people do evil things."

The crucible has been pulled out from under me. I'm still in pieces torn from battle. I lost. So, why can't I die? Why can't I give up and surrender myself to mere existence? Why must I go on struggling? Thus is the nature of the beast... to cling to life... to go on miserable... to get back up every time it's beat down... to never surrender.

My moments of worst suffering have been coaxed into plain sight. But in doing so, the problem has been illuminated. The machine is powered by thoughts and I'm working to deprive it of its fuel. Its rules are beginning to break down and I've learned from the burns which fires are real. There's still much work to be done and fear to be

Pressure inside the crucible is building. The battle rages between the machine apathetic to death and the beast clinging to life. Only one can remain in one piece or they both will be destroyed. The only hope is to reach into the flames knowing they will burn, trusting to come out unscathed.

I'm back in an alien environment, another crucible for the mind. Here, one's struggle is exacerbated and monitored. And so, my decent into the darkness of my mind is on display for all to see. Come watch my trial by fire. Come watch my demise.

My anxiety isn't getting any easier. It looks like I'll be going away again soon. I wonder if there will ever be an end to these increasingly radical measures. I wonder when I should just give up.