(no subject)
I thought happy thoughts today. Rather than dwelling on lost and inappropriate loves, I imagined someone I'd like to be with.
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He'll be a few years older than me, experience in life and in love,. He'll be a man, not a boy, not an adolescent masquarading as a man.
He'll be tall, 6'3" or so, and fit, because he takes care of himself. I close my eyes, clear my mind, and he looks like my dorm hall PA from sophomore year. In another life, he'd be a model, but his ambitions tend toward the intellectual. He's full of life and positive energy. He lights up a room when he enters it. People want to be around him.
We'll stay up all night talking and making love, then he'll make me an amazing breakfast and convince me to go hiking with him, though I'm exhausted. He'll tease me about being lazy and remind me how much I love being outdoors, until I get out of bed and put on some clothes.
When I see a picture of a beautiful place in a magazine and suggest that we go there, he smiles and tells me I read his mind. He surprises me later with plane tickets and a partial list of fun things to do there.
He'll have lots of friends, and plenty of self esteem. He's not bitter, guarded, cynical or disappointed in life. He'll understand that life is what you make of it, and he's determined that his life will be amazing.
He'll find interesting things for us to do together, and won't leave it to me to be the sole planner of our entertainment. He'll have a genuine interest in going to museums, concerts and good movies.
When I tell him I've always wanted to take a train trip across the Rockies, or go to Vermont in the autumn to see the leaves changing color, he'll get excited and tell me he can't wait to go with me.
He'll inspire me, and share his knowledge of life and the world with me. He'll be equally happy to learn from my experiences, too.
He won't be afraid to open up to me. He'll tell me his thoughts and dreams, never fearing that I will laugh at him or reject him.
He'll be excited about our future together.
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The problem is, I wouldn't know what to do with such a man right now. I've always been attracted to broken hearted cynics, who have adored me and been very loyal to me because they never expected anyone to love them. Or I was so insecure that the only males I felt comfortable with were loners, because I knew they needed me and there were not many opportunities for them to meet other women. In fact, I think I've only gone out with people with self esteem low enough to guarantee they'd never meet another woman to leave me for. After the initial period of worshipping me like a goddess is over, they don't know what to do with me, much as I wouldn't know what to do with my imaginary boyfriend.
Hmm. Don't kow where I was going with this. Just wanted to write it out. I like it when i figure out what I'm doing wrong. Then I can fix it. And fix it I shall.
----
He'll be a few years older than me, experience in life and in love,. He'll be a man, not a boy, not an adolescent masquarading as a man.
He'll be tall, 6'3" or so, and fit, because he takes care of himself. I close my eyes, clear my mind, and he looks like my dorm hall PA from sophomore year. In another life, he'd be a model, but his ambitions tend toward the intellectual. He's full of life and positive energy. He lights up a room when he enters it. People want to be around him.
We'll stay up all night talking and making love, then he'll make me an amazing breakfast and convince me to go hiking with him, though I'm exhausted. He'll tease me about being lazy and remind me how much I love being outdoors, until I get out of bed and put on some clothes.
When I see a picture of a beautiful place in a magazine and suggest that we go there, he smiles and tells me I read his mind. He surprises me later with plane tickets and a partial list of fun things to do there.
He'll have lots of friends, and plenty of self esteem. He's not bitter, guarded, cynical or disappointed in life. He'll understand that life is what you make of it, and he's determined that his life will be amazing.
He'll find interesting things for us to do together, and won't leave it to me to be the sole planner of our entertainment. He'll have a genuine interest in going to museums, concerts and good movies.
When I tell him I've always wanted to take a train trip across the Rockies, or go to Vermont in the autumn to see the leaves changing color, he'll get excited and tell me he can't wait to go with me.
He'll inspire me, and share his knowledge of life and the world with me. He'll be equally happy to learn from my experiences, too.
He won't be afraid to open up to me. He'll tell me his thoughts and dreams, never fearing that I will laugh at him or reject him.
He'll be excited about our future together.
----
The problem is, I wouldn't know what to do with such a man right now. I've always been attracted to broken hearted cynics, who have adored me and been very loyal to me because they never expected anyone to love them. Or I was so insecure that the only males I felt comfortable with were loners, because I knew they needed me and there were not many opportunities for them to meet other women. In fact, I think I've only gone out with people with self esteem low enough to guarantee they'd never meet another woman to leave me for. After the initial period of worshipping me like a goddess is over, they don't know what to do with me, much as I wouldn't know what to do with my imaginary boyfriend.
Hmm. Don't kow where I was going with this. Just wanted to write it out. I like it when i figure out what I'm doing wrong. Then I can fix it. And fix it I shall.