Lies I Tell Myself 11.08
Title: Lies I Tell Myself
Fandom: RPS
Story: Highway: Error 404 11.8
Characters: Alan Davies and Robert Sean Leonard
Authors: michelleann68 + evila_elf = evila_ann
Prompt: coclaim100 24 Lies
Word Count: 497
Rating: PG
Summary: Robert writes in his journal about his relationship with Alan.
Authors’ Notes: Feel free to friend us if you want to read a day ahead of the communities.
Where it all began:
Big table of prompts is here:
Order of the story is here:
Previous story:
Crossing the Miles
Feb 8th, 2008
I have grown used to the endless summers here in LA. But at times I miss watching the seasons change. Right now, if I was back home, I could be watching as the buds started to form on the trees, the robins returning, winter fading to spring. Here it is like time never changes. Like I am endlessly standing still. So maybe it is just the location, or maybe it is just some inner fear that keeps me from moving forward.
Have I always been like this? Some childhood trauma? No. My parents have always had a good relationship, but I have watched too many friends get hurt and watched them lose all that they had worked for because of a relationship that seemed strong but crumbled under stress. Even Gabby turned out that way and I was too stupid to realize when things had started to turn sour.
The lies Alan and I live with scare me. I just don’t think I can stop telling them. I have already hurt one person by my dishonesty and lies, but they comfort me and bring a little normality into my crazy life. I know I love him, and if I think about my future, there is no one I want more in it than Alan. By admitting my feelings, I would be going past the point of no return and the next step would be to tell those closest to me…but it leaves me cold, a lump of fear in my throat. How on earth would I be able to tell my parents? They wouldn’t understand, and with each day that passes and I don’t tell them…it hurts and feels like a betrayal. I worry that I will not be strong enough to hold it together, to hold us together.
I think I am just in a funk, this is what happens when I am given too much time to think. I am much less of a fatalist when I keep busy--one side effect of filming only eight scenes a week--and my boyfriend is off location filming, so I can’t always call him and get reassurance. Last month things were so busy that it felt like we never talked. Sure we did a few times, but each time was not enough. I have re-read our e-mails, back from when we first started to get to know each other, and things have changed so much. I just wish I could say damn it all and invite him fully into my life. I hope I can get past my fear before he gives up on me, on us.
Stuck in a limbo of sorts, only able to move sideways. I have to muddle my way forward before I am shoved back and away…
House ends season four in six weeks and I am looking forward to touching Alan again. See, when I am with Alan, everything makes sense and I know what I want our life to be.
11.09 Anxious Revelations
Fandom: RPS
Story: Highway: Error 404 11.8
Characters: Alan Davies and Robert Sean Leonard
Authors: michelleann68 + evila_elf = evila_ann
Prompt: coclaim100 24 Lies
Word Count: 497
Rating: PG
Summary: Robert writes in his journal about his relationship with Alan.
Authors’ Notes: Feel free to friend us if you want to read a day ahead of the communities.
Where it all began:
Big table of prompts is here:
Order of the story is here:
Previous story:
Crossing the Miles
Feb 8th, 2008
I have grown used to the endless summers here in LA. But at times I miss watching the seasons change. Right now, if I was back home, I could be watching as the buds started to form on the trees, the robins returning, winter fading to spring. Here it is like time never changes. Like I am endlessly standing still. So maybe it is just the location, or maybe it is just some inner fear that keeps me from moving forward.
Have I always been like this? Some childhood trauma? No. My parents have always had a good relationship, but I have watched too many friends get hurt and watched them lose all that they had worked for because of a relationship that seemed strong but crumbled under stress. Even Gabby turned out that way and I was too stupid to realize when things had started to turn sour.
The lies Alan and I live with scare me. I just don’t think I can stop telling them. I have already hurt one person by my dishonesty and lies, but they comfort me and bring a little normality into my crazy life. I know I love him, and if I think about my future, there is no one I want more in it than Alan. By admitting my feelings, I would be going past the point of no return and the next step would be to tell those closest to me…but it leaves me cold, a lump of fear in my throat. How on earth would I be able to tell my parents? They wouldn’t understand, and with each day that passes and I don’t tell them…it hurts and feels like a betrayal. I worry that I will not be strong enough to hold it together, to hold us together.
I think I am just in a funk, this is what happens when I am given too much time to think. I am much less of a fatalist when I keep busy--one side effect of filming only eight scenes a week--and my boyfriend is off location filming, so I can’t always call him and get reassurance. Last month things were so busy that it felt like we never talked. Sure we did a few times, but each time was not enough. I have re-read our e-mails, back from when we first started to get to know each other, and things have changed so much. I just wish I could say damn it all and invite him fully into my life. I hope I can get past my fear before he gives up on me, on us.
Stuck in a limbo of sorts, only able to move sideways. I have to muddle my way forward before I am shoved back and away…
House ends season four in six weeks and I am looking forward to touching Alan again. See, when I am with Alan, everything makes sense and I know what I want our life to be.
11.09 Anxious Revelations