DWP FIC: Incomprehensibe Desire 31/?
Seeker and Runners
Of all things, Miranda Priestly understood temptation. She understood the drunken pleasures of fulfilling it and the chaotic consequences of falling into its trap. And, as she walked into the door of Aquarius’s apartment she had been well aware that she had once again fallen towards temptation instead of pushing it away. Because, if nothing else, Aquarius was the ultimate temptress in the carnival of excitement that had been Miranda’s life as of late.
For all of Aquarius’s personal complications, Miranda’s own relationship with the woman was blissfully uncomplicated. There was no need for them to discuss whether they would be better friends, lovers, or acquaintances. There was no hidden compulsion for them to meander around and wade through emotions that were difficult to understand.
It was easy. It was safe. And it was why Miranda was currently wrapped up in Aquarius’s arms and they were dancing together in an empty apartment after having shared a well cooked meal and a bottle of wine. Soft female jazz vocals filled the air around them, and a cool breeze was blowing in from the window Aquarius had opened after the consumed wine had begun to heat their bodies.
This was temptation, and Miranda had unhesitatingly stepped into it, and Aquarius had allowed her, for reasons Miranda didn’t assume she completely understood. A part of her entertained but abhorred the idea that Aquarius looked at her as a maternal figure since her own was so often lacking and absent. A part of her entertained the thought that perhaps Aquarius sought to fill some interlude of loneliness with platonic affection instead of the quick fucks she more often than not engaged in.
Miranda could freely guess at Aquarius’s motives, preferring one scenario over another, but ultimately she didn’t really care to figure it out. Trying to find the answers would complicate things and pull them away from the simple, comfortable dance they engaged in. It would turn their superficial surfaces into something real, and Miranda felt no need to change things like she had been forced to change them with Andrea.
Andrea....
Miranda dipped her head and rested it against Aquarius’s shoulder. She had run from Andrea like a spineless, gutless, creature that couldn’t reconcile Andrea’s words with their personal history. She couldn’t sit and have a conversation that was long overdue and when attempted more often than not cut short.
Andrea believed that she and Miranda were supposed to be in each other’s lives. She talked words of fate and spoke about the hopeful beginnings of the end to their tumultuous interchanges, and Miranda had agreed to it all though she honestly didn’t know what to think about any of it. And quite honestly, she didn’t want to think about it. She knew, had known, that she didn’t want Andrea in her life, at least not now, not when she was trying to bring her girls in closer and push her work away.
She could finally admit that opening the door for Andrea that very first time had been a mistake. It was her giving into temptation and doing the wrong thing instead of the right.
“It’s sick, sad, and very wrong for me to ask this,” Aquarius whispered, “but are you okay, Miranda?”
Miranda didn’t pull her head off of Aquarius’s shoulder. She didn’t want to completely break the bubble of brief serenity that Aquarius’s question was going to be sure to disturb. “I understand why she tried so hard to love you.”
Aquarius’s body briefly stilled an act that would have gone unnoticed if Miranda wasn’t leaning so heavily against her. “I know I shouldn’t have asked.” She kept her tone light, artfully deflecting the severe turn their interaction was turning into. “But since I asked a question I didn’t really want the answer to, let’s talk about how wonderful I am.”
Miranda snorted and finally pulled away from Aquarius and away from the comfort that had been offered, no longer wanting to be under its spell. “Your wonderful is a lot like cocaine, Aquarius.”
Aquarius tilted her head, her hands dropping down to her sides, face devoid of expression, but Miranda could see the temptation to flee in the hazel depths of the young woman’s eyes. “You give a quick fulfilling high, but are ultimately dangerous and most likely deadly.”
“So,” Aquarius smirked, “You’ve done cocaine before.” It was another attempt at deflection that Miranda wasn’t going to let pass by.
“You fill up empty spaces, but you’re just as hollow as the places you fill.”
“If I’m the kettle, then you most certainly must be the pot.” Aquarius’s soft tones were infused with emotion. The caustic fire that remained dormant underneath her desired exteriors was making an appearance. “If I’m your Cocaine then you’re my Ecstasy, Miranda. You dissolve slowly on my tongue bringing out the passion that I hold at bay for everyone else.” She hollowly laughed. “We exist in a pleasure dome, my sweet Miranda. And, the only reason Andrea tried so hard to fall in love with me, is because she’s too caught up in seeking external validation. She gets stuck in bouts of codependency placing her worth in everyone else’s hands but her own. I’m easy to love when all you want from me is a warm bed at night.”
“We’re all seeking something,” Miranda confessed now standing far enough away from Aquarius for the battle lines to be drawn.
“No, that’s not true.” Aquarius circled around Miranda taking the long route to the open window. “Miranda, you know that there are only two kinds of people in this world. There are the runners and the seekers, and you and I Boss Lady are runners. We run from all the shit trying to catch up to us plowing through whatever and whoever stands in our way. And, Andrea, well, she’s a seeker, always looking for that thing or person that will make sense of her world. I made sense to her for a while, and to her that meant attempting love.”
Miranda stepped up next to Aquarius, invading the space the younger woman had been clearing away for herself. “I think I’m going to have to fire you.”
“Ah.” Aquarius said knowingly. “So, that’s what this conversation is about.” She looked down at the empty bottle of wine sitting on the edge of the windowsill, clearly mourning its emptiness.
“It’s been put off long enough.” Miranda also looked down at the empty bottle, not yet able to decide if she wanted to drink more or was already regretting the amount of alcohol she had already consumed.
“I wish I had a do over button,” Aquarius confessed to the cool night air, her eyes glued to whatever was outside the window. “I’m only twenty three years old and there’s already so much I wish I could just wipe away and do again, and still more that I just simply want to erase.”
Miranda’s eyes went to Aquarius, forcing a connection despite the other woman’s intention to deny one. “I’ll tell Irv you’ve decided to return to school.”
“The pressure was too much?” Aquarius crossed her arms in front of her. “The shoes I was stepping into were too big for my feet? I gave it my best but my best just wasn’t good enough? I really wasn’t doing that good of a job, somehow I just managed to fake it?”
Miranda nodded. “Something like that.”
Aquarius stepped away from the window. “This is ridiculous,” she chuckled. “I feel like you’re breaking up with me.” She uncrossed her arms and then ran her hands through her hair.
Miranda smiled. “I can assure you that the feeling is mutual.” She had not felt as awkward firing anyone else. This was not the first time she had fired someone she had been moderately close to. Though, she certainly hadn’t ever fired any of her employees in their home after they had cooked her dinner, shared their expensive wine, and guided her in an impromptu dance.
“I could make this very hard on you, you do know that?” Aquarius hands were now resting on her hips. She looked as if she were finally ready to defend herself against Miranda’s unilateral decision. “I can prove that I deserve everything I’ve been given. I could very well ruin you, even it meant killing me in the process.”
“I know.” It was Miranda’s turn to turn away. She walked towards the kitchen where she knew Aquarius had chilled another bottle of wine. Aquarius followed her, letting Miranda pull out the bottle and then providing her with the opener when Miranda needed it.
The wine was poured and they sat next to each other on top of the kitchen counter island. Their shoes had long since disappeared, so they stared at their naked feet sipping on their fresh glasses of wine in silence until Aquarius laid down her glass, placed her hand against Miranda’s thigh and said, “I’ll regret this, but I do want you to know that despite my being your cocaine habit, I do genuinely care for you and against all reason I do actually like you.” She jumped off of the counter so that she could properly face Miranda. Each of her hands was resting on one of Miranda’s knees. She looked up into clear blue eyes that were glassy from the consumed alcohol. “We both know I’ll go silently into the night if that’s what you’re asking me to do, but I think we need to make a deal. We need to make sure that you’re just not throwing me away because it’s something you think will make a difference. So, I say the deal is I clean up some of my shit, you clean up all of yours and in one year we come back to each other.”
“Why,” Miranda coldly asked, choosing to ignore the warm hands resting against her skin, “would we want to do that?”
“Because it gives us something to run to instead of run from,” Aquarius immediately answered ignoring Miranda’s tone. “We run towards next year, and when we see each other again I want to see you loving the hell out of your girls like they should be loved. I want to see you at peace with all those regrets you hold onto for no good at reason at all. I want this thing with Andy to be settled, like it should have been before she left Runway, and for fuck’s sake, Miranda, I want to see you happy.”
Miranda laughed. “Is that all?”
Aquarius smiled. “Nah, but that’ll do for now.”
“And what pray tell, should I be expecting from you?”
“More of the same, I guess.” Aquarius kept her smile. “I am way younger than you so I’ve got a lot of time to change.”
Miranda playfully kicked Aquarius away from her. “I want to see improvement on your idea of humor.”
“Can you think of something else?” Aquarius bantered. “I’ve got good jokes.”
Miranda’s face turned serious. She was sure this was ridiculous, but she was beginning to feel like she owed Aquarius something more than what she had previously offered. “Alright then, come to terms with your father’s death and the amazing talent you inherited from him.”
The playful humor was sucked out of the room, almost like it had never made an appearance in the first place. “Okay,” Aquarius nodded after a long moment.
Miranda reached out and grabbed onto Aquarius’s hand, and then pulled her closer, her thumb running across Aquarius’s scarred skin. “And stop trying to get yourself killed.”
“This is stupid,” Aquarius mumbled; her eyes were focused on their joined hands.
With her free hand Miranda took hold of Aquarius’s chin and lifted her face so that their eyes were meeting once again. “This was your idea.”
Aquarius shrugged. “Sometimes I have stupid ideas.”
“Yes, sometimes you do,” Miranda agreed. “But I’m willing to go along with this one.” It would be more for Aquarius’s benefit than hers. Miranda didn’t need a silly juvenile agreement to propel her in a direction she was already heading. If she had needed the deal, then she wouldn’t have already fired Aquarius. She wouldn’t have met up with Andrea. She wouldn’t have continued in this conversation that could very well end with her drinking more wine and dancing in the arms of a young woman she ultimately couldn’t adequately defend herself against.
“Fine.” Aquarius leaned against the counter Miranda was still sitting on. “But it doesn’t start tonight, right? We can start in the morning?”
Miranda looked over at the clock on Aquarius’s microwave. “It’s already morning.”
Aquarius waved Miranda’s comment away. “Minor technicality. You know that the morning doesn’t really begin until you’re waking up in a strange place, with a strange person, with a strange taste in your mouth not able to remember how you got there in the first place.”
Miranda raised an eyebrow. “That hasn’t happened to me in years.”
Aquarius pulled Miranda off of the counter. “Then I guess you’re overdue. I can be your Cocaine and you can be my Ecstasy. We can treat tonight like it’s our last meal.”
The offer was tempting, but Aquarius was usually tempting. It was only one of the reasons Miranda had felt the need to fire her. Though, all of the reasons for firing her had been personal ones, because professionally firing Aquarius was not in Miranda’s best interest. It would cause minor chaos in the office and would add unneeded stress to her life that would take time to repair.
Aquarius let go of Miranda and moved away, giving space that hadn’t been asked for but had been needed. Somehow she was able to discern Miranda’s thoughts and mood even though nothing had been said. It was a synchronicity Miranda knew she would miss.
“We can make another deal as well,” Aquarius whispered. “You can un-fire me, and I promise you that I won’t let you regret it.”
“And how would you accomplish that?” Miranda asked, hoping Aquarius had come up with a way to make it so that their unique relationship ended while the professional one stayed strong.
“I’ll say no to you,” Aquarius answered.
It was an overly simplistic idea, but Miranda could admit that it would be effective if carried through. Aquarius was always there when she wanted her to be. They used each other, oftentimes bringing out each other’s worst qualities while somehow simultaneously bringing out the good ones.
“I’ll take your silence as your answer.” Aquarius reached out once again and took Miranda’s hand. “Come on, you’re too drunk to drive home and I don’t trust you to be alone tonight.” She led Miranda out of the kitchen. “My bedroom is the only fully furnished room in this place I’m calling a home, so you can stay there. I’ll see how comfortable the guestroom floor is.”
“We’re adults, Aquarius.” Miranda walked through the open doorway to Aquarius’s bedroom. “We can share a bed.”
Aquarius opened her mouth to say something but just as quickly closed it. Whatever obscene comment Miranda knew she would make dying away. Despite wanting to put off making an effort towards change until the sun rose, Aquarius already seemed to be holding back, and for the first time Miranda felt as if Aquarius was doing to her what she had done to Andrea. It was an odd sensation to have Aquarius’s full attention but to not really have it at all. She would have to force herself to grow accustomed to it.
“I’ll sleep on the floor in the other room.” Aquarius stepped away from the doorway. “I hear it’s good for the back.” She walked away then, not bothering to look back. Miranda watched her, knowing that sharing the bed was probably more than either one of them could currently handle. Bosses weren’t supposed to share the beds with their employees. It wasn’t something she had ever done before, and a part of her was grateful that Aquarius didn’t want to let her break that trend.
She looked back at the bed, knowing that it would ultimately be best if she just left, but the sun hadn’t yet risen. “Aquarius,” she called out and patiently waited until her friend was once again standing at the doorway. “Get in the bed.”
Aquarius looked from Miranda to the bed and then back again. She gave a small shake of her head and then walked fully into the room. She grabbed Miranda around the waist and then guided them both to the bed. “You take bad ideas to all kinds of dangerous heights,” she whispered into Miranda’s ear and then settled their bodies against each other. “I’ll do my best to molest you during the night,” she joked.
It didn’t take long for either one of them to fall asleep, the alcohol helped. When Miranda was forced awake by the sunshine streaming through the window that Aquarius hadn’t bothered to buy a curtain for, she didn’t quite feel as bad as she thought she would. She remembered everything from the night before and fully expected to wake up to Aquarius and one of her bad jokes, but Aquarius wasn’t there.
In her place was a note that read:
Miranda,
Since I’m still fired and can’t talk you out of changing that, I want to avoid long drawn out goodbyes. Let’s face it, neither of us could handle you crying uncontrollably at my departure as we both know you inevitably would. The sun hasn’t risen yet, so I can still technically run and have a clear conscience about it. I hear Australia is lovely at this time of year, but I’ll probably just end up paying Mom a visit. I suddenly feel the urge to be around another much older woman.
Here’s hoping I’ll see you in a year.
Aquarius
If Aquarius had stayed, then Miranda would have hired her back and Miranda suspected Aquarius knew that. They had to let each other go. Really, she had to let everything go. She somehow had to figure out how to let go of everything that happened between her and Andrea. She had to let go of…so much and unbury herself from underneath all the regrets she let suffocate and paralyze her. So, she would not regret, could not regret pushing away the one person who always had the potential to save her or drown her.