Didn't Know I Was Lost, 3/8. NC-17
Title: Didn't Know I Was Lost
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-Avengers, AU to Thor 2.
This is the fault of phoenixrising06/
romanovasledger during all of our characterization discussions. Still, not sorry for this. :)
Summary: Natasha and Loki had a thing, no emotions or strings attached. Until they accidentally created one.
Prior chapters:
One - Accidents
Two - Decisions
Three - Bindings
Natasha stared at herself in the mirror for a long time, studying the changing curves in her naked body. Her stomach was starting to round out, and her palm curved protectively over it. She didn't feel anything yet, but she was only fifteen weeks along. After all of the initial lewd and sarcastic comments, Tony ultimately grew serious. Natasha would only answer questions when Loki wasn't around, and in as short sentences as possible. She admitted not looking for anything serious with Loki, just seeing if she could start something, then continuing it. There certainly weren't romantic feelings involved on her end, which made him feel better, actually.
"If we have to kick his ass, I don't want there to be tears or weeping or wailing. None of that kind of stuff," Tony had said.
Natasha rolled her eyes. "I don't love, not like that. Anything looking like that most likely is manufactured and meant to appear like love."
"O-kay. Totally creepy, by the way."
"I haven't gone to any checks at SHIELD headquarters the way they want me to," she told him when he asked about the medical department. "I don't want them studying me any more than necessary." Her arm had come to rest over her abdomen. "I won't have it be taken hostage."
Tony had nodded at her fierce tone. "Lemme see what I can do."
That had turned out to be making his own ultrasensitive sonogram equipment and hiring a tech to do the scans. Pepper's OB-GYN was taking on new patients, and the redhead was kind enough to accompany Natasha for her first prenatal visit. Natasha liked Pepper a lot, though she would have felt more comfortable if Clint had come along with her. He wasn't comfortable with that plan, however, so she had gone with Pepper.
Something fierce had taken hold in her chest when she heard the heartbeat, her eyes watering and her heart stopping for a moment. This was her child. It would be born of her body, free of the Red Room, free to be whatever it wanted to be, no drills forced onto it, no triggers or personalities laid into its mind. This being Tony's version of an ultrasound, however, the scans showed fine movements and a hint at the gender. "Most of the high resolution scanners only pick that up at seventeen weeks, and conventional ones see that at twenty," Tony had told her with pride for his invention. "Fantastic, isn't it?"
She closed her eyes and pressed her palm against her stomach. Inside her, swimming about without any clue regarding Natasha's turmoil, was a baby girl.
The air shimmered behind her and Loki stepped through. Her lips parted in surprise, but she otherwise didn't move. "Stark mentioned there were scans," he said in measured tones. Had he been hurt that she hadn't invited him to see the sonogram?
Natasha nodded as his eyes raked over her naked body. The slight swell of her belly would be unnoticeable to anyone else, but she knew it in the fit of her clothes. Loki didn't seem to be affected any differently at the sight of her naked body.
"I wanted to be alone," she found herself saying. "In case... "
"The child was a monster," Loki finished bitterly when her voice trailed off.
"In case there was no heartbeat," Natasha corrected. He blinked at her in surprise. "For all my worry, if she was dead, that would have been worse on you, I think."
"She?" Loki echoed faintly.
"It's a girl," Natasha said softly, fingers brushing over her belly. "Perfectly sized and shaped for a human baby this far along. The tech couldn't see any structural abnormalities and the heartbeat was strong."
Loki actually fell to his knees in front of her, wrapping his arms around her hips as he pressed his lips to her belly. "She's healthy, then. Not a monster," he murmured against her skin, a fine tremor in his arms.
"She's a strong girl," she whispered, her voice cracking. "Healthy, moving around constantly during the scan, so the tech wants to repeat the scan in another week or two to confirm she's a girl and development is on track." Natasha threaded her fingers into his hair and gently stroked his scalp. "You can come with me to that one, if you want." The tremors became shudders as he silently cried.
He believed family was only determined by blood. Maybe it was like that with most Asgardians, though Thor was quick to still call him brother. Perhaps it was because he had been born a Jotun, and was raised thinking they were all monsters.
When he pressed a soft kiss to the slight rise of her belly, Natasha had to close her eyes to keep her eyes from watering. He wasn't going to make her cry, dammit. He was a mass murderer, a sociopath, someone that had to be bound and restricted and kept under lock and key. But even sociopaths were capable of emotion. Even sociopaths could love, though it was some warped thing society wouldn't recognize.
And wouldn't some say she was a sociopath herself? She had her ledger, her rigid view of right and wrong that didn't always coincide with law. What did this say about her?
Loki's hands on her hips were gentle, and she opened her eyes to look down at him. He was looking up at her with a vulnerable expression. "Could I name her?"
"Maybe middle name," Natasha said, a slight rasp to her voice. "I didn't... I didn't expect this. To have a child. I want to name her."
His lips on her skin were soft and gentle as he nodded. "I didn't expect a child either."
God. How to name a girl neither thought they would ever have?
Natasha's breath hitched as he brought his lips to her skin again, kissing her gently. It wasn't for the baby, she realized. His touch slid lower, until the coarse red curls touched his upper lip. He looked up at her as he slid further down on his haunches, as if asking for permission without words. She lifted her leg over his shoulder, opening herself up to his gaze, and he dove in to lick at her. The delicate touch firmed after a moment, and she found herself fisting his hair to keep him in place. There was emotion here, something neither could give voice to, something more than simply fucking each other because of lust. Maybe because they saw through each other, because they understood the dance of words as sharp as swords, they measured their past in bodies and blood.
In some respects, they were the same. In others, vastly different.
He fucked her with his tongue, desperation bleeding through in his touch. Natasha held him in place against her sex as tremors built up, as she approached the precipice without saying a word. He worked her through to an orgasm, her cries high pitched and almost echoing in the bathroom. Standing, he spun her around and pushed at her back so that she gripped the counter's edge for balance. Opening the front of his pants, he didn't even bother to lower them. He slid his cock into her from behind, an intense expression on his face. Loki watched her as he thrust home, his eyes on the lines of her body and the fall of her hair against her back. Natasha watched him fuck her through the mirror, but his eyes never went to the glass. He wasn't doing it here because of a kink or wanting to watch himself with her.
When his eyes met hers finally in the mirror, she could recognize desperation and longing and need there. All the tangled emotions he would never voice, that he would never show out in public. She reached behind her with one hand, grasping hold of his hip and pulling him into her. The touch seemed to be all he needed to close his eyes and come, features going slack with release.
In this moment, he was at peace. He was still, no scheming or plotting, no threats of violence, no rage bubbling up needing to be appeased.
Natasha shifted so that he slipped out of her, and she turned around to face him. Loki still had his head thrown back, his chest heaving erratically as he struggled to breathe normally. Ignoring the feel of his seed sliding down her thighs, she stepped closer and linked her hands through his. Feeling that, Loki opened his eyes as he looked down at her. His lips still trembled and his breathing hadn't slowed, but he still looked calm. As if for a moment, he had a place to belong.
She smiled at him gently, something sharp and painful in her chest. When she had felt that way, Clint had been there to pull her back from the abyss. She hadn't trusted any of the SHIELD issue psychiatrists, but she had trusted Clint. He had seen her at her worst, at her best, and all the places in between. Never once had he condemned her for it, had he thought her a monster. He had helped to teach her about right and wrong and finding them within the grays of her life. It was because of him that she had a moral compass at all, that she simply didn't see SHIELD as another employer to point her gun for. She might still tell lies and kill, but it was to save the faceless innocents of the world now, not just for a paycheck.
If Loki had someone like that now, could he be turned from the path he set himself on?
It would have to be her, she knew. But she could probably rope in the others to help, especially since they didn't trust him with her. She could absolutely understand the paranoia, and wasn't about to minimize any risk involved with dealing with Loki. He was unpredictable, chaos personified, but the attachment he held for her and their child might just be the hook that Natasha used to reel him in.
"Come with me," Natasha murmured huskily, leading him into her bedroom. He followed easily enough, eyes tracking her closely. Still vulnerable, still unsteady, not quite ready to trust but aching to. She would have to tread carefully.
He helped her remove the clothing, a mix of Asgardian and Midgardian, the better to blend in if he had to leave the Tower. At her direction, he laid down on her bed, and she simply crawled in beside him, tucking herself against his length. Loki held himself stiffly at first, so that she could almost feel his nervousness. They didn't do cuddling. It was hot sex and then separating to do something else. This was new and strange and something he couldn't quite trust. But when she did nothing more than rest her head against his chest, an arm flung over him, he relaxed into the touch and even put an arm around her. His breathing evened out, and his eyes closed.
It was nice to be held. It was probably nice for him to feel wanted, that someone wasn't afraid of his touch.
Natasha closed her eyes, knowing that Jarvis was always on watch. She was safe here, and Loki wouldn't harm her. Falling asleep in his arms wasn't just a convenience thing at this point. It was a tactical move, proving that Loki could be trusted.
And maybe, it gave her a little hope that this tie between them could actually work.
***
The second trimester supposedly created a lot of energy. Natasha thought of that as a bald-faced lie. Perhaps the sheer exhaustion of the first trimester was over, but she still had occasional bouts of nausea and didn't feel more energetic than normal. She felt like herself again, though she had to start rooting through her closet for elastic-waisted pants and skirts, and longer length shirts to hide her burgeoning belly. The men seemed uneasy about her accompanying them on missions, but knew better than to openly complain. It was at once endearing and annoying that they all checked that she was taking prenatal vitamins and eating heathy foods. Processed meats weren't often in the Tower, but now they completely disappeared, as well as sushi. Nobody ordered steaks rare when they went out, and even Tony cut back on his drinking.
Endearing and annoying. Natasha didn't want to feel singled out for being a woman, or thought less of. As much as they said they weren't doing it, she had to wonder if that was truly the case. She felt less than sometimes, and almost resentful of the parasite growing inside her body.
"Don't call it a parasite," Clint reminded her when she let it slip out loud in his suite.
She rolled her eyes. "But it is. She can't survive on her own right now."
"Yeah, but I'm sure she'll take after you. Which means she will be born, survive when you least expect her to, and find a knife to threaten you with it."
"Newborns can't even hold up their heads on their own, let alone hold a knife."
Clint snorted. "Just ruin my image, why don't you?" he groused.
Natasha smirked and jostled his arm with her elbow, making him lose his place in Mario Kart. She actually let out a whoop of triumph when she won, and Clint snorted as he tossed the controller aside. "You cheated."
"Sore loser."
As he laughed, the air shimmered behind them. A portal opened, and Loki stepped through it, frowning deeply at the two of them laughing. Both assassins turned as one to look in his direction, tensed and ready to strike. "I have come for Natasha," he declared haughtily, clearly irritated at finding the two of them so close together. It didn't matter that their friendship was platonic at this point. Loki didn't like that someone else was important to her.
"What for?" Natasha asked, brows slightly furrowed.
"I wish to discuss something with you."
"If it's names again, you can have that conversation in front of Clint."
The two men glared at each other, which would have made Natasha laugh out loud if she had wanted to destroy their fragile egos. Men.
"I would prefer privacy for this conversation," Loki said stiffly.
With an exaggerated sigh and roll of her eyes, Natasha got to her feet. "I'll beat you later," she promised Clint.
"No hurry," he replied, waving her off.
The portal opened out into one of the conference rooms of the Tower, one far away from everyone else's living quarters to get some privacy. Once the portal shimmered shut, Loki gracefully fell to one knee and produced a ring box. The ring inside was exquisite, made of a silvered metal that looked to be the same material used in his armor. There was a marquise cut emerald in the center flanked by princess cut diamonds. "Marry me," Loki said as she contemplated the ring.
Natasha looked at his earnest expression, at the effort he had gone into making this look like a Midgardian proposal. But there was no emotion there, not as there was in any other dozen times they had fucked or even made love. No, he was doing this right now because he thought he had to, not because he wanted to, not because he felt it was necessary.
Handing back the ring, Natasha shook her head. "I can't."
He didn't take it, and looked at her in bewilderment. "But... Why not?"
Natasha watched his eyes stray to her thickened middle, and she wanted to hit him for that. She was more than a walking incubator, and she certainly didn't expect to marry just because she was pregnant. The concept was clearly foreign to him as she explained that, and he rose to his feet to tower over her.
"You're angry I didn't recall this sooner."
"Don't be silly. I don't expect marriage."
"Do you want it?"
Ah, that was a much better question. His frown grew deeper when she shook her head.
"Why not? I could offer protection and comforts."
"I don't need that."
Loki scowled. "The child."
"We don't need to be married for you to protect her."
"Is it terrible for you to marry me?" Loki asked quietly. "We still share a bed."
Just that morning, as a matter of fact. He had knelt between her legs to lick into her, fingers thrusting into her slick warmth as he sucked on her clit, then she had welcomed him deep into her. Her body was more sensitive in spots, so she nearly saw stars when she came. He had laughed and suckled at a breast, driving her back up to the precipice quickly, then he had thrust into her again and again, until she shook and screamed with the next orgasm.
At her sigh, he looked closely at her. "Or is this another thing you never expected to have, so you simply never wanted it?"
Too fucking perceptive.
"You don't have to feel obligated to marry me," Natasha said, sighing again.
"But if I want to?" he asked in that same quiet tone.
"Why now? Why not when I first found out?"
A flash of anger flashed across his features. "You dismissed it out of hand then. But after some time and consideration, I realized that you were unaware of what I was offering, so I would have to do this the Midgardian way."
"I can't do this."
"As you said you could not have the child?" he asked archly.
Natasha flushed, caught. She felt so exposed, and thought that Bruce's "raw nerve" comments felt pretty accurate. "There were missions," she said brusquely, "where I had to seduce the mark. I was supposedly married for some covers."
"But not for SHIELD."
"It's a possibility. It's always a possibility."
"And you would not dishonor me," Loki said, reeling. "Cast out as I am, you would not dishonor what's left of my name."
"I can be cruel, but some things are too cruel, even for me."
Loki tilted his head to look at her, and he reached out to touch her arm. Pulling her close after a moment, he bent down to kiss her roughly on the mouth. "Keep the ring," he said, his voice nearly a growl. "It will remind you of my commitment. Marriage or no, I will protect our daughter. No matter what it takes, I will do it."
He lifted her up in his arms and then pushed her back to the wall. His mouth was sealed over hers, rough and passionate. Natasha wrapped her legs around his waist and held on as he kissed her. She looked at him evenly when he pulled back for breath, eyes searching her face. "You care about her, don't you?" he said, a vulnerable note in his voice. "You truly do. It isn't a lie."
"Not everything I say is a lie, Loki."
"You've mentioned that a time or two."
"I do want to keep her. I don't know how I'll manage, but I want to keep her."
Instead of leaning in to kiss her again as she thought he would, he simply leaned into her, arms cradling her to him. His breathing was harsh against her ear, his lips resting gently against the skin in front of her ear. It felt as though he was clinging to her for stability, as if he would be utterly lost without her.
Natasha threaded her fingers through his soft hair and pretended he wasn't crying. She shut her eyes and pressed her lips against his temple. "Our daughter will be safe," she whispered into his ear. "Everyone will keep her safe."
This was one promise she felt was safe enough to make.
***
Progressing into the third trimester was quick and painless. She still fought with the rest of the team, though she couldn't fit into her skintight nanomesh armor anymore. Natasha had to hide the burgeoning belly while fighting with her comrades, and she used more pistols, Widow's bites or shock discs than her hand to hand skills. Most bystanders had no idea about the change, which was just how she liked it. As a first-and truthfuly, likely only-pregnancy, Natasha really didn't start to dramatically show until she was almost seven months along. She could hear the others whispering about adding to the team to replace her for a few months. It was a necessity, one she had anticipated, but it still stung to hear about. There were a few options within SHIELD, as well as some of the costumed vigilante heroes within New York City.
Natasha threw herself into what should by rights have been her final outing with the Avengers. It was a man who had been rejected by AIM and Hydra as too unstable to work with, and his specialty was robotics. He felt that targeting Tony Stark would give him some cachet with those groups, so he built five robots that he controlled via a panel on his arm. Why did these men always have a mad scientist cackle?
Though she should have been far enough away to escape notice, there was one robot that charged her and Clint. It swung an arm, and she didn't duck back fast enough. She was flung into a parked car across the street, the breath knocked out of her lungs. Nothing was broken, and she had landed on her back. The baby still moved around, her adrenaline spike giving her a little more excitement to respond to. Because of that, she waved off the others' concerns.
She shouldn't have.
A sharp cramp woke her from sleep, and her jerking woke Loki, who had curled around her in bed that night. He hadn't wanted to leave her alone, and she was glad of it in that moment. Putting a hand to her belly, she grimaced and struggled to get out of bed to use the bathroom. There was a warm gush as soon as she stood up, and she looked down, irritated with herself for not being able to make it to the bathroom to pee.
But it wasn't urine. It was blood.
The gush of blood sent panic through Natasha, and she found herself screaming in actual terror for the first time since she was six years old. Pure panic rushed through her, sharp and jagged, tearing through her chest and leaving her breathless. There was no pain, nothing but blood between her legs, and the panic of Too soon, too soon, it's too soon, she can't be born yet! as an incessant litany in her mind.
Loki woke instantly and met her frightened gaze with his own. There was no dedicated obstetrics unit in the Tower yet, though some of the equipment was already in place. He knew an ordinary hospital was out of the question, as Natasha guarded her privacy fiercely. Taking her to NYU or St. Luke's-Roosevelt or Mt. Sinai or any Manhattan-based hospital would broadcast her condition immediately.
Without much choice, he swept her up in his arms and opened a portal to the helicarrier's medical bay.
Immediately there was a klaxon blaring and the medical staff started shouting. But Loki started shouting himself, demanding that their staff look to Natasha. He knew he probably should have attempted a healing spell, but was too rattled by the sight of the blood to be able to concentrate. "Do something!" he shouted. "She could be dying!"
Later, neither he nor Natasha would be able to tell who he meant by that statement, her or their daughter.
Nurses and one of the doctors snapped to attention, and Natasha was taken from his arms and put onto a gurney to be examined. He wasn't allowed to stay with her, though he possibly could have pressed the point if he wished. But that would reveal that the child was his; as much as SHIELD medical staff would guess at it, they wouldn't actually know, and could assume that Loki merely brought her because he could open portals and it would be faster than Iron Man could airlift her. The nurses and doctors would likely take samples of her blood and tissues while she was here, and Loki knew enough of human medical technology and physiology to know that fetal blood cells passed through to the mother's bloodstream. That meant that with each vial of Natasha's blood that they tested, they could spin it down and find his daughter's blood cells to test as well. He would have to come back later and destroy it all.
There were calls from Clint and Steve to medical in the next half hour, making arrangements for their visits. SHIELD denied visits to Tony and Thor, but they couldn't deny Clint or Steve, as they were still SHIELD personnel. Angry, Tony declared that he was going to start the final touches on the medical suite at Avengers Tower and develop his own clinic. "It's morning in Tokyo, so I'll see if one of our subsidiaries can spare some people," he declared loudly over the speakerphone. "And Pep knows people, we'll be set in a few hours to bring you back home."
Home. Because that was what it was, and not just a place they all gathered to help contain Loki's madness.
Once Natasha was declared stable, she was put in a private room. Doctors estimated that she would be able to be moved in a few hours. "The baby's fine, placenta and amniotic sac are still intact," the doctor declared. "She was moving around during the sono, as a matter of fact. The bleeding came from some lacerations elsewhere, and the blood likely pooled as you slept, and that's why it came out when you stood up."
"So we're okay," Natasha had said in relief, sagging a little into the bed.
"Yes. But I still would recommend bed rest for the next few weeks to be sure you get your strength back up. You lost a lot of blood today."
He had a lot of other things to say, discussion regarding pregnancy and prenatal care that Natasha already knew. The doctor, however, had never seen her before and assumed she had never gotten any follow up. After they were alone, Loki was pale and shaking as he sat down beside her. "I'm glad you're both well," he rasped. When he saw the tremor in his hands, he clenched them into fists and kept them in his lap. He tightened his jaw, looking down for a long moment.
Natasha couldn't speak. She was too worn out to even try to find words for him.
He looked up finally. "I do not think this was deliberate. You were devastated at the possible loss of her. You want her as much as I do. But if it had been, if you changed your mind and had sought to kill her, I would have killed you right there and then, and anyone who tried to save your life."
"Not exactly a sign of a healthy relationship," Natasha commented, her own voice far more feeble than she would like. Her daughter kicked inside her, rolling over as if nothing was happening.
Loki's eyes blazed, fury barely banked. "I have a family in sight, and I will not let anyone take it away from me. Not even you."
In that moment, Natasha understood how Loki could have turned from a loyal Odinson to the monstrous sociopath he had become. It wasn't that he was an untapped wellspring of hatred as he liked to think of himself. It wasn't just the chaos trapped beneath his skin, simmering constantly and needing an outlet.
It was frustrated love and desire, disappointment souring it and turning it foul and ugly. It was the devastation of boyhood dreams dying painfully. It having everything he thought he knew be overturned in an instant, no one helping to keep him from floundering. He might not have accepted help, but it had never even been offered. So the hatred turned inward, then outward. He didn't even know himself how it had started or why, but Natasha could see it now.
"She's my daughter, too," Natasha rasped. "She's innocent. I'd never harm someone innocent, you know that." She let her hand flop to the bed weakly, and Loki shifted immediately in the chair to grasp her hand tightly in his. "The doctor says this happens sometimes, even in a normal pregnancy, even if there hadn't been any trauma. And we both know this isn't normal."
Natasha could feel the tremors in Loki's grip, the fears he would never voice. "She lives, though," Loki murmured, not quite meeting her eyes. He stared at the rise of her belly, a sickly cast to his features. "She fights to live."
"This isn't even the hard part, you know," Natasha told him tiredly. At his questioning look, she laughed bitterly. "There's the birth and then raising her."
Now Loki really looked ill, and rested his head on the hospital bed.
Someone had to be having a grand time watching them flounder.
***
The weeks of bed rest went by without anything untoward happening. Her usual OB had thought that the SHIELD doctor's suggestion was going overboard, but also knew that without the admonition, she might not have gotten enough rest. When she was at the thirty-two week mark, she was allowed to move around the Tower more easily, but was expressly forbidden from participating in missions or doing much more than low impact aerobics to keep her body supple. Natasha chafed under the advice, but grit her teeth and followed it to the letter.
Labor began on the fifth day of the thirty-ninth week, a fact that made everyone breathe a little easier. To date, everything had progressed in the manner of a human pregnancy, with nothing untoward seen on the serial sonograms or blood tests. Loki had indeed gone into the helicarrier to destroy all physical samples of Natasha's blood and tissue. What surprised them both was Bruce and Tony hacking into their mainframe to delete the data from their servers. Bruce kept a copy of it all on one of Tony's protected servers, mostly so that he could puzzle over it and see how human and Jotun DNA could combine in the first place.
At the end of it all, a squalling baby girl was born, her face contorted as she wailed at the indignity of being born into a far colder place than she had been. The neonatal nurse didn't need more than the standard isolette, as there was no difficulty with the girl's Apgar scores. She weighed in at eight pounds two ounces, was twenty-one inches in length, and was immediately clutched as close as Natasha could hold her.
It had been a natural birth, no drugs at all in case it interfered with the birthing process or crossed over into the baby's half alien physiology. That had been torturous, but Natasha had been trained to withstand that kind of pain. Still, that wasn't the cause of the tears she shed as she looked down at her daughter, pink bud mouth puckering and her green eyes staring up at Natasha as if she could see her. There was bright red fuzz on her head, and her skin was so pale there was a bluish tint to it. The neonatal nurse hadn't mentioned any obvious deformities, and had treated this like a normal human baby.
She was beautiful. She was beautiful and perfect and hers. It was unbearably selfish of her to want and need and have this child, yet for this one moment, Natasha couldn't regret a single thing.
Natasha sniffled and looked up as Loki approached the hospital bed. The others were waiting just outside the suite, arguing about who should go in next. Clint wanted the honors, but didn't want to be near Loki. He still would prefer to avoid the trickster if he could, but felt he had the right to be there. Steve offered to go in with him, and both Jane and Pepper suggested that they go in first. Bruce finally suggested that they all crowd into the room at once. Thor was pleased with the suggestion and wound up leading the way before Natasha was ready.
So they all walked in on Natasha attempting to breastfeed the baby girl, her hands shaking as she did so. Loki was looking on, appearing to be so stunned by the birth that he was about to collapse.
Natasha looked up with a watery smile, exhaustion, pride and anxiety plain to see. "Hey," she said, her voice a little hoarse from her grunts and screams of pain.
Clint came closer, on the opposite side from where Loki stood. He sat in the chair beside the bed and rubbed her shoulder in a comforting gesture, grinning when her smile widened a bit. "Hey. Looking good."
"Feeling good," she told him. "Mostly."
"She's beautiful," Thor said, awe in his tone. The goofy grin on his face was good to see, though Natasha knew he'd love the child regardless.
"She looks like you," Jane commented, a soft smile on her face. She leaned into Thor, who put his arms around her. Natasha wondered when they would announce a marriage or impending pregnancy of their own, especially now that everyone knew it was possible for Asgardians and Midgardians to procreate. Knowing Jane, it had probably slipped her mind, paling in comparison to her studies on the Bifrost and the energies inherent in Mjolnir that Thor could command. Thor would get around to asking her soon enough, in possibly a very flowery and impressive display of affection, because that was simply the sort of person he was.
"I love that we've got another redhead in the house," Pepper said with a grin. She had flowers and a beautifully embroidered outfit in white and pink for the baby to wear, which was possibly very impractical but impressive just the same. "I'm sure she'll be just as fierce as you are."
"What's her name?" Steve asked, a pleased grin on his face as he took in the sight of the baby at Natasha's breast.
Natasha looked at Loki first, who gave a subtle nod. "It will be safer if no one knows she's Loki's daughter. Her name is Rose Lina Romanoff."
***
***
Bonus Author's Note: This story was born of characterization stuff that Jessy and I had talked about off and on during my own pregnancy. I think there was some Tumblr gif of a guy looking down at a child flailing on the floor and we joked about how Loki would be that kind of a parent. I actually started writing this story at the end of July (after my son was born, because it's not like I wasn't busy enough, right? Right.) and I left it up to her to pick the gender of the baby. She picked a girl, for the potential crises it might cause for Loki, because we do so love to make him angst. I named her Rose, after the Black Widow comic "Name of The Rose," which I still haven't read.
And lo and behold, Scarlett Johansson gave birth to a baby daughter named Rose in September, right before I finished the raw text of this story. Total coincidence, I swear.
To Chapter Four - Fears
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-Avengers, AU to Thor 2.
This is the fault of phoenixrising06/
romanovasledger during all of our characterization discussions. Still, not sorry for this. :)
Summary: Natasha and Loki had a thing, no emotions or strings attached. Until they accidentally created one.
Prior chapters:
One - Accidents
Two - Decisions
Three - Bindings
Natasha stared at herself in the mirror for a long time, studying the changing curves in her naked body. Her stomach was starting to round out, and her palm curved protectively over it. She didn't feel anything yet, but she was only fifteen weeks along. After all of the initial lewd and sarcastic comments, Tony ultimately grew serious. Natasha would only answer questions when Loki wasn't around, and in as short sentences as possible. She admitted not looking for anything serious with Loki, just seeing if she could start something, then continuing it. There certainly weren't romantic feelings involved on her end, which made him feel better, actually.
"If we have to kick his ass, I don't want there to be tears or weeping or wailing. None of that kind of stuff," Tony had said.
Natasha rolled her eyes. "I don't love, not like that. Anything looking like that most likely is manufactured and meant to appear like love."
"O-kay. Totally creepy, by the way."
"I haven't gone to any checks at SHIELD headquarters the way they want me to," she told him when he asked about the medical department. "I don't want them studying me any more than necessary." Her arm had come to rest over her abdomen. "I won't have it be taken hostage."
Tony had nodded at her fierce tone. "Lemme see what I can do."
That had turned out to be making his own ultrasensitive sonogram equipment and hiring a tech to do the scans. Pepper's OB-GYN was taking on new patients, and the redhead was kind enough to accompany Natasha for her first prenatal visit. Natasha liked Pepper a lot, though she would have felt more comfortable if Clint had come along with her. He wasn't comfortable with that plan, however, so she had gone with Pepper.
Something fierce had taken hold in her chest when she heard the heartbeat, her eyes watering and her heart stopping for a moment. This was her child. It would be born of her body, free of the Red Room, free to be whatever it wanted to be, no drills forced onto it, no triggers or personalities laid into its mind. This being Tony's version of an ultrasound, however, the scans showed fine movements and a hint at the gender. "Most of the high resolution scanners only pick that up at seventeen weeks, and conventional ones see that at twenty," Tony had told her with pride for his invention. "Fantastic, isn't it?"
She closed her eyes and pressed her palm against her stomach. Inside her, swimming about without any clue regarding Natasha's turmoil, was a baby girl.
The air shimmered behind her and Loki stepped through. Her lips parted in surprise, but she otherwise didn't move. "Stark mentioned there were scans," he said in measured tones. Had he been hurt that she hadn't invited him to see the sonogram?
Natasha nodded as his eyes raked over her naked body. The slight swell of her belly would be unnoticeable to anyone else, but she knew it in the fit of her clothes. Loki didn't seem to be affected any differently at the sight of her naked body.
"I wanted to be alone," she found herself saying. "In case... "
"The child was a monster," Loki finished bitterly when her voice trailed off.
"In case there was no heartbeat," Natasha corrected. He blinked at her in surprise. "For all my worry, if she was dead, that would have been worse on you, I think."
"She?" Loki echoed faintly.
"It's a girl," Natasha said softly, fingers brushing over her belly. "Perfectly sized and shaped for a human baby this far along. The tech couldn't see any structural abnormalities and the heartbeat was strong."
Loki actually fell to his knees in front of her, wrapping his arms around her hips as he pressed his lips to her belly. "She's healthy, then. Not a monster," he murmured against her skin, a fine tremor in his arms.
"She's a strong girl," she whispered, her voice cracking. "Healthy, moving around constantly during the scan, so the tech wants to repeat the scan in another week or two to confirm she's a girl and development is on track." Natasha threaded her fingers into his hair and gently stroked his scalp. "You can come with me to that one, if you want." The tremors became shudders as he silently cried.
He believed family was only determined by blood. Maybe it was like that with most Asgardians, though Thor was quick to still call him brother. Perhaps it was because he had been born a Jotun, and was raised thinking they were all monsters.
When he pressed a soft kiss to the slight rise of her belly, Natasha had to close her eyes to keep her eyes from watering. He wasn't going to make her cry, dammit. He was a mass murderer, a sociopath, someone that had to be bound and restricted and kept under lock and key. But even sociopaths were capable of emotion. Even sociopaths could love, though it was some warped thing society wouldn't recognize.
And wouldn't some say she was a sociopath herself? She had her ledger, her rigid view of right and wrong that didn't always coincide with law. What did this say about her?
Loki's hands on her hips were gentle, and she opened her eyes to look down at him. He was looking up at her with a vulnerable expression. "Could I name her?"
"Maybe middle name," Natasha said, a slight rasp to her voice. "I didn't... I didn't expect this. To have a child. I want to name her."
His lips on her skin were soft and gentle as he nodded. "I didn't expect a child either."
God. How to name a girl neither thought they would ever have?
Natasha's breath hitched as he brought his lips to her skin again, kissing her gently. It wasn't for the baby, she realized. His touch slid lower, until the coarse red curls touched his upper lip. He looked up at her as he slid further down on his haunches, as if asking for permission without words. She lifted her leg over his shoulder, opening herself up to his gaze, and he dove in to lick at her. The delicate touch firmed after a moment, and she found herself fisting his hair to keep him in place. There was emotion here, something neither could give voice to, something more than simply fucking each other because of lust. Maybe because they saw through each other, because they understood the dance of words as sharp as swords, they measured their past in bodies and blood.
In some respects, they were the same. In others, vastly different.
He fucked her with his tongue, desperation bleeding through in his touch. Natasha held him in place against her sex as tremors built up, as she approached the precipice without saying a word. He worked her through to an orgasm, her cries high pitched and almost echoing in the bathroom. Standing, he spun her around and pushed at her back so that she gripped the counter's edge for balance. Opening the front of his pants, he didn't even bother to lower them. He slid his cock into her from behind, an intense expression on his face. Loki watched her as he thrust home, his eyes on the lines of her body and the fall of her hair against her back. Natasha watched him fuck her through the mirror, but his eyes never went to the glass. He wasn't doing it here because of a kink or wanting to watch himself with her.
When his eyes met hers finally in the mirror, she could recognize desperation and longing and need there. All the tangled emotions he would never voice, that he would never show out in public. She reached behind her with one hand, grasping hold of his hip and pulling him into her. The touch seemed to be all he needed to close his eyes and come, features going slack with release.
In this moment, he was at peace. He was still, no scheming or plotting, no threats of violence, no rage bubbling up needing to be appeased.
Natasha shifted so that he slipped out of her, and she turned around to face him. Loki still had his head thrown back, his chest heaving erratically as he struggled to breathe normally. Ignoring the feel of his seed sliding down her thighs, she stepped closer and linked her hands through his. Feeling that, Loki opened his eyes as he looked down at her. His lips still trembled and his breathing hadn't slowed, but he still looked calm. As if for a moment, he had a place to belong.
She smiled at him gently, something sharp and painful in her chest. When she had felt that way, Clint had been there to pull her back from the abyss. She hadn't trusted any of the SHIELD issue psychiatrists, but she had trusted Clint. He had seen her at her worst, at her best, and all the places in between. Never once had he condemned her for it, had he thought her a monster. He had helped to teach her about right and wrong and finding them within the grays of her life. It was because of him that she had a moral compass at all, that she simply didn't see SHIELD as another employer to point her gun for. She might still tell lies and kill, but it was to save the faceless innocents of the world now, not just for a paycheck.
If Loki had someone like that now, could he be turned from the path he set himself on?
It would have to be her, she knew. But she could probably rope in the others to help, especially since they didn't trust him with her. She could absolutely understand the paranoia, and wasn't about to minimize any risk involved with dealing with Loki. He was unpredictable, chaos personified, but the attachment he held for her and their child might just be the hook that Natasha used to reel him in.
"Come with me," Natasha murmured huskily, leading him into her bedroom. He followed easily enough, eyes tracking her closely. Still vulnerable, still unsteady, not quite ready to trust but aching to. She would have to tread carefully.
He helped her remove the clothing, a mix of Asgardian and Midgardian, the better to blend in if he had to leave the Tower. At her direction, he laid down on her bed, and she simply crawled in beside him, tucking herself against his length. Loki held himself stiffly at first, so that she could almost feel his nervousness. They didn't do cuddling. It was hot sex and then separating to do something else. This was new and strange and something he couldn't quite trust. But when she did nothing more than rest her head against his chest, an arm flung over him, he relaxed into the touch and even put an arm around her. His breathing evened out, and his eyes closed.
It was nice to be held. It was probably nice for him to feel wanted, that someone wasn't afraid of his touch.
Natasha closed her eyes, knowing that Jarvis was always on watch. She was safe here, and Loki wouldn't harm her. Falling asleep in his arms wasn't just a convenience thing at this point. It was a tactical move, proving that Loki could be trusted.
And maybe, it gave her a little hope that this tie between them could actually work.
***
The second trimester supposedly created a lot of energy. Natasha thought of that as a bald-faced lie. Perhaps the sheer exhaustion of the first trimester was over, but she still had occasional bouts of nausea and didn't feel more energetic than normal. She felt like herself again, though she had to start rooting through her closet for elastic-waisted pants and skirts, and longer length shirts to hide her burgeoning belly. The men seemed uneasy about her accompanying them on missions, but knew better than to openly complain. It was at once endearing and annoying that they all checked that she was taking prenatal vitamins and eating heathy foods. Processed meats weren't often in the Tower, but now they completely disappeared, as well as sushi. Nobody ordered steaks rare when they went out, and even Tony cut back on his drinking.
Endearing and annoying. Natasha didn't want to feel singled out for being a woman, or thought less of. As much as they said they weren't doing it, she had to wonder if that was truly the case. She felt less than sometimes, and almost resentful of the parasite growing inside her body.
"Don't call it a parasite," Clint reminded her when she let it slip out loud in his suite.
She rolled her eyes. "But it is. She can't survive on her own right now."
"Yeah, but I'm sure she'll take after you. Which means she will be born, survive when you least expect her to, and find a knife to threaten you with it."
"Newborns can't even hold up their heads on their own, let alone hold a knife."
Clint snorted. "Just ruin my image, why don't you?" he groused.
Natasha smirked and jostled his arm with her elbow, making him lose his place in Mario Kart. She actually let out a whoop of triumph when she won, and Clint snorted as he tossed the controller aside. "You cheated."
"Sore loser."
As he laughed, the air shimmered behind them. A portal opened, and Loki stepped through it, frowning deeply at the two of them laughing. Both assassins turned as one to look in his direction, tensed and ready to strike. "I have come for Natasha," he declared haughtily, clearly irritated at finding the two of them so close together. It didn't matter that their friendship was platonic at this point. Loki didn't like that someone else was important to her.
"What for?" Natasha asked, brows slightly furrowed.
"I wish to discuss something with you."
"If it's names again, you can have that conversation in front of Clint."
The two men glared at each other, which would have made Natasha laugh out loud if she had wanted to destroy their fragile egos. Men.
"I would prefer privacy for this conversation," Loki said stiffly.
With an exaggerated sigh and roll of her eyes, Natasha got to her feet. "I'll beat you later," she promised Clint.
"No hurry," he replied, waving her off.
The portal opened out into one of the conference rooms of the Tower, one far away from everyone else's living quarters to get some privacy. Once the portal shimmered shut, Loki gracefully fell to one knee and produced a ring box. The ring inside was exquisite, made of a silvered metal that looked to be the same material used in his armor. There was a marquise cut emerald in the center flanked by princess cut diamonds. "Marry me," Loki said as she contemplated the ring.
Natasha looked at his earnest expression, at the effort he had gone into making this look like a Midgardian proposal. But there was no emotion there, not as there was in any other dozen times they had fucked or even made love. No, he was doing this right now because he thought he had to, not because he wanted to, not because he felt it was necessary.
Handing back the ring, Natasha shook her head. "I can't."
He didn't take it, and looked at her in bewilderment. "But... Why not?"
Natasha watched his eyes stray to her thickened middle, and she wanted to hit him for that. She was more than a walking incubator, and she certainly didn't expect to marry just because she was pregnant. The concept was clearly foreign to him as she explained that, and he rose to his feet to tower over her.
"You're angry I didn't recall this sooner."
"Don't be silly. I don't expect marriage."
"Do you want it?"
Ah, that was a much better question. His frown grew deeper when she shook her head.
"Why not? I could offer protection and comforts."
"I don't need that."
Loki scowled. "The child."
"We don't need to be married for you to protect her."
"Is it terrible for you to marry me?" Loki asked quietly. "We still share a bed."
Just that morning, as a matter of fact. He had knelt between her legs to lick into her, fingers thrusting into her slick warmth as he sucked on her clit, then she had welcomed him deep into her. Her body was more sensitive in spots, so she nearly saw stars when she came. He had laughed and suckled at a breast, driving her back up to the precipice quickly, then he had thrust into her again and again, until she shook and screamed with the next orgasm.
At her sigh, he looked closely at her. "Or is this another thing you never expected to have, so you simply never wanted it?"
Too fucking perceptive.
"You don't have to feel obligated to marry me," Natasha said, sighing again.
"But if I want to?" he asked in that same quiet tone.
"Why now? Why not when I first found out?"
A flash of anger flashed across his features. "You dismissed it out of hand then. But after some time and consideration, I realized that you were unaware of what I was offering, so I would have to do this the Midgardian way."
"I can't do this."
"As you said you could not have the child?" he asked archly.
Natasha flushed, caught. She felt so exposed, and thought that Bruce's "raw nerve" comments felt pretty accurate. "There were missions," she said brusquely, "where I had to seduce the mark. I was supposedly married for some covers."
"But not for SHIELD."
"It's a possibility. It's always a possibility."
"And you would not dishonor me," Loki said, reeling. "Cast out as I am, you would not dishonor what's left of my name."
"I can be cruel, but some things are too cruel, even for me."
Loki tilted his head to look at her, and he reached out to touch her arm. Pulling her close after a moment, he bent down to kiss her roughly on the mouth. "Keep the ring," he said, his voice nearly a growl. "It will remind you of my commitment. Marriage or no, I will protect our daughter. No matter what it takes, I will do it."
He lifted her up in his arms and then pushed her back to the wall. His mouth was sealed over hers, rough and passionate. Natasha wrapped her legs around his waist and held on as he kissed her. She looked at him evenly when he pulled back for breath, eyes searching her face. "You care about her, don't you?" he said, a vulnerable note in his voice. "You truly do. It isn't a lie."
"Not everything I say is a lie, Loki."
"You've mentioned that a time or two."
"I do want to keep her. I don't know how I'll manage, but I want to keep her."
Instead of leaning in to kiss her again as she thought he would, he simply leaned into her, arms cradling her to him. His breathing was harsh against her ear, his lips resting gently against the skin in front of her ear. It felt as though he was clinging to her for stability, as if he would be utterly lost without her.
Natasha threaded her fingers through his soft hair and pretended he wasn't crying. She shut her eyes and pressed her lips against his temple. "Our daughter will be safe," she whispered into his ear. "Everyone will keep her safe."
This was one promise she felt was safe enough to make.
***
Progressing into the third trimester was quick and painless. She still fought with the rest of the team, though she couldn't fit into her skintight nanomesh armor anymore. Natasha had to hide the burgeoning belly while fighting with her comrades, and she used more pistols, Widow's bites or shock discs than her hand to hand skills. Most bystanders had no idea about the change, which was just how she liked it. As a first-and truthfuly, likely only-pregnancy, Natasha really didn't start to dramatically show until she was almost seven months along. She could hear the others whispering about adding to the team to replace her for a few months. It was a necessity, one she had anticipated, but it still stung to hear about. There were a few options within SHIELD, as well as some of the costumed vigilante heroes within New York City.
Natasha threw herself into what should by rights have been her final outing with the Avengers. It was a man who had been rejected by AIM and Hydra as too unstable to work with, and his specialty was robotics. He felt that targeting Tony Stark would give him some cachet with those groups, so he built five robots that he controlled via a panel on his arm. Why did these men always have a mad scientist cackle?
Though she should have been far enough away to escape notice, there was one robot that charged her and Clint. It swung an arm, and she didn't duck back fast enough. She was flung into a parked car across the street, the breath knocked out of her lungs. Nothing was broken, and she had landed on her back. The baby still moved around, her adrenaline spike giving her a little more excitement to respond to. Because of that, she waved off the others' concerns.
She shouldn't have.
A sharp cramp woke her from sleep, and her jerking woke Loki, who had curled around her in bed that night. He hadn't wanted to leave her alone, and she was glad of it in that moment. Putting a hand to her belly, she grimaced and struggled to get out of bed to use the bathroom. There was a warm gush as soon as she stood up, and she looked down, irritated with herself for not being able to make it to the bathroom to pee.
But it wasn't urine. It was blood.
The gush of blood sent panic through Natasha, and she found herself screaming in actual terror for the first time since she was six years old. Pure panic rushed through her, sharp and jagged, tearing through her chest and leaving her breathless. There was no pain, nothing but blood between her legs, and the panic of Too soon, too soon, it's too soon, she can't be born yet! as an incessant litany in her mind.
Loki woke instantly and met her frightened gaze with his own. There was no dedicated obstetrics unit in the Tower yet, though some of the equipment was already in place. He knew an ordinary hospital was out of the question, as Natasha guarded her privacy fiercely. Taking her to NYU or St. Luke's-Roosevelt or Mt. Sinai or any Manhattan-based hospital would broadcast her condition immediately.
Without much choice, he swept her up in his arms and opened a portal to the helicarrier's medical bay.
Immediately there was a klaxon blaring and the medical staff started shouting. But Loki started shouting himself, demanding that their staff look to Natasha. He knew he probably should have attempted a healing spell, but was too rattled by the sight of the blood to be able to concentrate. "Do something!" he shouted. "She could be dying!"
Later, neither he nor Natasha would be able to tell who he meant by that statement, her or their daughter.
Nurses and one of the doctors snapped to attention, and Natasha was taken from his arms and put onto a gurney to be examined. He wasn't allowed to stay with her, though he possibly could have pressed the point if he wished. But that would reveal that the child was his; as much as SHIELD medical staff would guess at it, they wouldn't actually know, and could assume that Loki merely brought her because he could open portals and it would be faster than Iron Man could airlift her. The nurses and doctors would likely take samples of her blood and tissues while she was here, and Loki knew enough of human medical technology and physiology to know that fetal blood cells passed through to the mother's bloodstream. That meant that with each vial of Natasha's blood that they tested, they could spin it down and find his daughter's blood cells to test as well. He would have to come back later and destroy it all.
There were calls from Clint and Steve to medical in the next half hour, making arrangements for their visits. SHIELD denied visits to Tony and Thor, but they couldn't deny Clint or Steve, as they were still SHIELD personnel. Angry, Tony declared that he was going to start the final touches on the medical suite at Avengers Tower and develop his own clinic. "It's morning in Tokyo, so I'll see if one of our subsidiaries can spare some people," he declared loudly over the speakerphone. "And Pep knows people, we'll be set in a few hours to bring you back home."
Home. Because that was what it was, and not just a place they all gathered to help contain Loki's madness.
Once Natasha was declared stable, she was put in a private room. Doctors estimated that she would be able to be moved in a few hours. "The baby's fine, placenta and amniotic sac are still intact," the doctor declared. "She was moving around during the sono, as a matter of fact. The bleeding came from some lacerations elsewhere, and the blood likely pooled as you slept, and that's why it came out when you stood up."
"So we're okay," Natasha had said in relief, sagging a little into the bed.
"Yes. But I still would recommend bed rest for the next few weeks to be sure you get your strength back up. You lost a lot of blood today."
He had a lot of other things to say, discussion regarding pregnancy and prenatal care that Natasha already knew. The doctor, however, had never seen her before and assumed she had never gotten any follow up. After they were alone, Loki was pale and shaking as he sat down beside her. "I'm glad you're both well," he rasped. When he saw the tremor in his hands, he clenched them into fists and kept them in his lap. He tightened his jaw, looking down for a long moment.
Natasha couldn't speak. She was too worn out to even try to find words for him.
He looked up finally. "I do not think this was deliberate. You were devastated at the possible loss of her. You want her as much as I do. But if it had been, if you changed your mind and had sought to kill her, I would have killed you right there and then, and anyone who tried to save your life."
"Not exactly a sign of a healthy relationship," Natasha commented, her own voice far more feeble than she would like. Her daughter kicked inside her, rolling over as if nothing was happening.
Loki's eyes blazed, fury barely banked. "I have a family in sight, and I will not let anyone take it away from me. Not even you."
In that moment, Natasha understood how Loki could have turned from a loyal Odinson to the monstrous sociopath he had become. It wasn't that he was an untapped wellspring of hatred as he liked to think of himself. It wasn't just the chaos trapped beneath his skin, simmering constantly and needing an outlet.
It was frustrated love and desire, disappointment souring it and turning it foul and ugly. It was the devastation of boyhood dreams dying painfully. It having everything he thought he knew be overturned in an instant, no one helping to keep him from floundering. He might not have accepted help, but it had never even been offered. So the hatred turned inward, then outward. He didn't even know himself how it had started or why, but Natasha could see it now.
"She's my daughter, too," Natasha rasped. "She's innocent. I'd never harm someone innocent, you know that." She let her hand flop to the bed weakly, and Loki shifted immediately in the chair to grasp her hand tightly in his. "The doctor says this happens sometimes, even in a normal pregnancy, even if there hadn't been any trauma. And we both know this isn't normal."
Natasha could feel the tremors in Loki's grip, the fears he would never voice. "She lives, though," Loki murmured, not quite meeting her eyes. He stared at the rise of her belly, a sickly cast to his features. "She fights to live."
"This isn't even the hard part, you know," Natasha told him tiredly. At his questioning look, she laughed bitterly. "There's the birth and then raising her."
Now Loki really looked ill, and rested his head on the hospital bed.
Someone had to be having a grand time watching them flounder.
***
The weeks of bed rest went by without anything untoward happening. Her usual OB had thought that the SHIELD doctor's suggestion was going overboard, but also knew that without the admonition, she might not have gotten enough rest. When she was at the thirty-two week mark, she was allowed to move around the Tower more easily, but was expressly forbidden from participating in missions or doing much more than low impact aerobics to keep her body supple. Natasha chafed under the advice, but grit her teeth and followed it to the letter.
Labor began on the fifth day of the thirty-ninth week, a fact that made everyone breathe a little easier. To date, everything had progressed in the manner of a human pregnancy, with nothing untoward seen on the serial sonograms or blood tests. Loki had indeed gone into the helicarrier to destroy all physical samples of Natasha's blood and tissue. What surprised them both was Bruce and Tony hacking into their mainframe to delete the data from their servers. Bruce kept a copy of it all on one of Tony's protected servers, mostly so that he could puzzle over it and see how human and Jotun DNA could combine in the first place.
At the end of it all, a squalling baby girl was born, her face contorted as she wailed at the indignity of being born into a far colder place than she had been. The neonatal nurse didn't need more than the standard isolette, as there was no difficulty with the girl's Apgar scores. She weighed in at eight pounds two ounces, was twenty-one inches in length, and was immediately clutched as close as Natasha could hold her.
It had been a natural birth, no drugs at all in case it interfered with the birthing process or crossed over into the baby's half alien physiology. That had been torturous, but Natasha had been trained to withstand that kind of pain. Still, that wasn't the cause of the tears she shed as she looked down at her daughter, pink bud mouth puckering and her green eyes staring up at Natasha as if she could see her. There was bright red fuzz on her head, and her skin was so pale there was a bluish tint to it. The neonatal nurse hadn't mentioned any obvious deformities, and had treated this like a normal human baby.
She was beautiful. She was beautiful and perfect and hers. It was unbearably selfish of her to want and need and have this child, yet for this one moment, Natasha couldn't regret a single thing.
Natasha sniffled and looked up as Loki approached the hospital bed. The others were waiting just outside the suite, arguing about who should go in next. Clint wanted the honors, but didn't want to be near Loki. He still would prefer to avoid the trickster if he could, but felt he had the right to be there. Steve offered to go in with him, and both Jane and Pepper suggested that they go in first. Bruce finally suggested that they all crowd into the room at once. Thor was pleased with the suggestion and wound up leading the way before Natasha was ready.
So they all walked in on Natasha attempting to breastfeed the baby girl, her hands shaking as she did so. Loki was looking on, appearing to be so stunned by the birth that he was about to collapse.
Natasha looked up with a watery smile, exhaustion, pride and anxiety plain to see. "Hey," she said, her voice a little hoarse from her grunts and screams of pain.
Clint came closer, on the opposite side from where Loki stood. He sat in the chair beside the bed and rubbed her shoulder in a comforting gesture, grinning when her smile widened a bit. "Hey. Looking good."
"Feeling good," she told him. "Mostly."
"She's beautiful," Thor said, awe in his tone. The goofy grin on his face was good to see, though Natasha knew he'd love the child regardless.
"She looks like you," Jane commented, a soft smile on her face. She leaned into Thor, who put his arms around her. Natasha wondered when they would announce a marriage or impending pregnancy of their own, especially now that everyone knew it was possible for Asgardians and Midgardians to procreate. Knowing Jane, it had probably slipped her mind, paling in comparison to her studies on the Bifrost and the energies inherent in Mjolnir that Thor could command. Thor would get around to asking her soon enough, in possibly a very flowery and impressive display of affection, because that was simply the sort of person he was.
"I love that we've got another redhead in the house," Pepper said with a grin. She had flowers and a beautifully embroidered outfit in white and pink for the baby to wear, which was possibly very impractical but impressive just the same. "I'm sure she'll be just as fierce as you are."
"What's her name?" Steve asked, a pleased grin on his face as he took in the sight of the baby at Natasha's breast.
Natasha looked at Loki first, who gave a subtle nod. "It will be safer if no one knows she's Loki's daughter. Her name is Rose Lina Romanoff."
***
***
Bonus Author's Note: This story was born of characterization stuff that Jessy and I had talked about off and on during my own pregnancy. I think there was some Tumblr gif of a guy looking down at a child flailing on the floor and we joked about how Loki would be that kind of a parent. I actually started writing this story at the end of July (after my son was born, because it's not like I wasn't busy enough, right? Right.) and I left it up to her to pick the gender of the baby. She picked a girl, for the potential crises it might cause for Loki, because we do so love to make him angst. I named her Rose, after the Black Widow comic "Name of The Rose," which I still haven't read.
And lo and behold, Scarlett Johansson gave birth to a baby daughter named Rose in September, right before I finished the raw text of this story. Total coincidence, I swear.
To Chapter Four - Fears