Misplaced Childhood -Part 1 : Chapter 3
Five years later
It’s late spring in Providence, and it’s warm enough so that Jared and Jeff can play catch outside wearing only shorts and t-shirts. It’s nice.
Jared keeps looking at his watch. Jensen is supposed to arrive any minute now. He had called yesterday, said he was grounded and couldn’t make it, but asked if he could come today, Sunday, instead. Being grounded happens a lot to Jensen, but he doesn’t seem to care.
Jared does, especially when he’s forbidden to come over.
“Jay, come on, or I’mma knock you down with my next throw.”
“You wish,” Jared replies automatically. He’s used to being teased by Jeff. It never gets really mean anyway. Jeff is now sixteen, and he’s huge compared to Jared, who’s all clumsy and thin and looks like his arms will never stop growing until he transforms into an ape.
Jeff would never say something like this, though. He keeps saying Jared doesn’t have to take shit from anyone and he’s looking out for him, always has been. He was supposed to go to the mall with friends this afternoon, but when he’d seen Jared brooding on the porch, waiting for Jensen to arrive, he told Mike he would join him later, even though Jared protested. “Hey, we won’t do anything interesting, just look for cute girls and play a couple of arcade games. I need to practice my throw anyway, are you in?”
Jeff does this all the time -pretends he doesn’t have anything better to do other than spend time with his shy younger brother who never wants to go out and play, who prefers to stay quietly at home reading or playing video games.
Jared knows he’s lucky as hell to have a brother like that. He doesn’t tell Jeff that he doesn’t really need protection, or to be cared for. It would hurt him, and that’s the last thing Jared wants to do. He knows he’s not exactly like other twelve years olds, and he doesn’t care. He has a couple of friends, a supportive family that accepts him just the way he is, and he’s content.
Then there is Jensen; even though he has changed a lot in the last months, he’s still the most important person in the world for Jared. Alaina says that changing is normal. They're growing up. Since she hasn’t seen Jensen for five years, she says she only can guess what’s up with him by what Jared tells her. Jared still sees her twice a month. He can’t even imagine stopping. He still feels it’s useful.
“Jensen!” Meggie calls, coming out on the porch and letting Blue out at the same time.
In a matter of seconds, Blue catches the ball Jeff had just thrown and is running to the backyard, her ears lowered on her head.
“Jesus, Meggie, you’re not supposed to let her out,” Jeff tells her, rolling his eyes.
“You said Jesus! You can’t say that, it’s a bad word,” Megan replies. “Where’s Jensen?”
“He’s not here yet,” Jared says, grabbing Megan’s braid and tugging on it.
A seven year old sister is all kinds of annoying. Jared wonders if it’s just Meg that’s like this, always whining and needing attention, sticking her tongue at him when she thinks their parents won’t catch her and being a general pain in the ass.
And let’s not forget the way she always hangs around when Jensen comes to visit, always wanting to tell him what happened to her in school, or to show him her stupid little dance moves she learned at her ballet class. Like Jensen would be interested in any of what she has to say.
“Jared, let go,” she whines, pushing him away.
“You can go back inside, I told you Jensen’s not here.” Jared doesn’t want to sound mean, but he kind of does at the same time.
“Come on, Meggie, come help me catch Blue before she swallows my ball,” Jeff tells her.
She smiles at him and hops on his back. They disappear around the corner of the house, Megan’s silly laugh bursting out of her.
Jeff is always patient with her, as patient as he is with Jared. Jared is beginning to feel bad, and he’s about to join them when he hears the familiar rumble of Mrs. Ackles’ car. Like always, Jared forgets about everything else and feels his heartbeat pick up. Some things never change.
Mrs. Ackles doesn’t even drive into the driveway. She stops by the side of the street and stares right in front of her, not even acknowledging Jared’s presence. He’s used to it by now. Jensen’s mother never liked him, who knows why.
Jensen shuts the car door with much more strength than is needed and walks away without saying anything to his mother, looking broody and sad, dragging his backpack along. He’s only ten, and way smaller than Jared, but lately, it’s like he’s grown older. He gets in trouble at school, says mean things about his mom, his teachers, and the kids in his class. Last time he came, he had a pack with two cigarettes left in it and had asked Jared if he wanted to try one.
Jared had said no. He hadn’t been so horrified by the cigarettes themselves because he’s twelve years old, and he knows a lot of teenagers sometimes try this, or pot, or even alcohol. What had bothered him was that Jensen was only ten and he was acting like some fourteen year olds back at Jared’s school. Seeing his reaction, Jensen had put the cigarettes back in his bag and had shrugged. “I found them. Didn’t even try myself. Thought maybe you’d find it cool.”
“No, it’s not cool. I don’t want you to smoke, you could get in trouble.”
Jensen had smiled a little. “I’m always in trouble,” he’d said like it was something he should be proud of.
“Hey, Jensen!” Jared calls, and his friend’s face lightens up a little. They don’t run toward each other and hold hands like they used to do when they were little. Things change. They grow up, like Alaina always says. They express their friendship differently now.
It’s silly, but sometimes Jared wishes they could go back to that, when they were younger and everything with Jensen was simpler.
“Hey, sorry I couldn’t make it yesterday,” Jensen tells him. “Mom was in a bad mood. She can be such a pain in the ass sometimes.”
Jared nods, like he understands, although he doesn’t really. He would never think of his mother as being a pain in the ass. Then again, Jensen’s mother is… special. Jared wouldn’t trade places with him.
“What do you want to do?” he asks.
“Biking, wanna go to that place you took me the other day.”
“Alright.”
First, they go inside so that Jensen can say hi to Jared’s parents. They grab a bag of chips and some sodas. Jared’s mom tells them twice to be careful, and then they’re off, Jensen on Jared’s old bike, Jared on his new one. It stills look just like it did at the store, not a scuff on its shiny paint. Jared doesn’t use it a lot, except when Jensen is there, or his mom insists he needs the exercise.
A couple of streets away from where Jared lives is a small wooded area with paths made for mountain biking and hiking. Jensen and he didn’t go far last time. They had found a large flat rock under the cover of trees, and had sat there for the most part of the afternoon. This time doesn’t seem any different, because Jensen takes the lead and bikes through the trees, stopping the bike near the same rock and letting it fall on the ground. Jared is slower. When he gets off and joins his friend, Jensen’s already sitting, following a couple of ants running through the cracks of the rock with his index finger.
“You wanna eat the chips now?”
“Not that hungry,” Jensen frowns. “You can go ahead.”
“No, s’okay. Hey, you know my friend Felicia? She’s in the hospital. Broke her arm.”
Jared is used to talking when Jensen comes to visit. Jensen is always quiet at first, like he needs some time to feel comfortable with Jared again. It’s okay. Jared babbles about everything that’s happened to him during the week, stories he thinks Jensen would like. Jensen has met Felicia once and they got along well, so Jared tells him how Fel had tried her brother’s skateboard and had headed down the street, going faster and faster until she’d been thrown off. Jared had been there. Felicia had gotten up, bleeding from both knees and with her right arm all twisted and wrong. She hadn’t realized it at first, mostly preoccupied by the blood, but Jared had seen it and had pointed her arm to her. Felicia’s face had become slack and her eyes had rolled back. Jared had made her sit on the sidewalk while he ran to the house to warn her mom.
“She had to have surgery, and now she’s got a small metal plate inside her arm. It will always stay there.”
“She must have cried a lot,” Jensen says, scratching at an old scab on his arm.
“Yes, a little, but she made me swear not to tell.”
Jensen sighs and licks the small blood drop on his arm. “I’m moving away.”
“What?”
“My mom lost her job at the clinic. She decided we should move to stay with my gran.”
Jared feels like a cold, heavy stone just dropped in his stomach. He swallows hard. “Your granny in Vermont?”
“Yeah.” Jensen smiles and sniffs. He’s anxious, Jared can tell; he always does this nervous sniffing thing when he feels anxious. “She told me yesterday, and I got angry and yelled at her, and that’s why I couldn’t come.”
“When are you moving?”
“When school will be over.”
Jared waits for the rest. He doesn’t trust himself to talk without crying, and he can’t allow it. He’s twelve, not a kid anymore. He can’t go on crying whenever he’s sad.
“It’s not that far from Rhode Island,” Jensen adds. “We can still see each other sometime. Mom said I could. Only… not as often.”
“It sucks,” Jared's voice drops.
“I hate her,” Jensen whispers.
He follows another ant with his finger and crushes it suddenly, then hits the hard rock with the palm of his hand.
“Well, maybe she doesn’t have a choice.”
“You keep defending her,” Jensen replies. “You know how she is. She never wanted me to see you in the first place. She doesn’t like you, or your family, and I don’t know why, and it’s like all she wants is for me to be mad at her.”
“I’m sorry, Jensen,” Jared tells him because this time, he doesn’t feel like defending Jensen’s mother anymore. True, she's always made it difficult for him and Jensen to see each other. Once, Jared heard his parents talking about it. His mom had been mad. It was just before that camping trip last year when they had wanted to invite Jensen to come along with them. Mrs. Ackles had said yes at the end, but it had been a close call.
“I don’t understand her, it’s like she thinks Jared is responsible for the abduction and the abuse. It makes me want to yell at her sometimes. They have a special bond, we can’t even begin to understand it. Does she even realize what she’s putting her own son through?” Sherry Padalecki had spit.
Then, Jared’s father had told her to calm down, but Jared had heard enough to feel angry and upset. The idea of being disliked for something so horrible that had happened to him was more than he could bear. He had spoken about it with Alaina at their next session.
“Jared, it’s not that simple. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Donna Ackles, but you have to understand that she does love her son, very deeply. She associates you with the terrible events you both have been through, that’s all. She would like for Jensen to move on and forget about it.”
Jared can’t even begin to understand what that means. All that he knows is that Jensen and him are friends, and he can’t get past this: why would a mom forbid a friendship that’s so important?
And now, Mrs. Ackles is doing something way much worse than making it difficult. She’s taking Jensen away.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Jensen declares. “Can you give me a soda?”
Jared opens his bag. They share sodas and chips. They don’t talk much.
::: :::
Jensen’s last visit before the move is a sad one. He’s allowed to sleep over, which rarely happens, and although Jared’s mom does everything she can for this visit to be special, there’s a sense of dread floating in the air that no one can overcome. Jensen is silent and broody, despite Jared’s efforts to make him laugh.
During the night, Jared wakes up to go to the bathroom and he finds Jensen wide awake, sitting on his desk and staring out the window. “Do you still dream about him sometimes?” Jensen asks.
Jared knows what he means, of course he does. They rarely speak about Benton Glass. It’s difficult for the both of them.
“Yeah, all the time,” he answers frankly.
“I didn’t, for a long time,” Jensen murmurs. “And now it’s starting again. I didn’t think I remembered his face well, but I do.”
Jared does too. The bald head with the heavy eyebrows, the jutting lower lip, the round cheeks, and the small, always moving dark eyes. He feels like he’s going to puke.
In his memory, Glass was huge. He doesn’t know if it’s because he was so small himself at the time, and he'll never find out. Glass, known as The Monster of Rhode Island, is in prison and is to be forgotten.
“He called me his little angel,” Jensen croaks, and he sounds like he’s crying. “I always dream of his voice repeating it. Little angel.”
“He’s in jail, won’t ever get out,” Jared tells him.
“Yeah, I know.” Jensen sniffs and rubs his eyes with the palm of his hands. “I just wish he would leave me alone when I’m asleep.”
“That’d be nice,” Jared agrees. “You comin’ back to bed?”
“Yeah. You think… Maybe we could share yours? Just for this time?”
Jensen sounds ashamed to ask. He usually sleeps on an air mattress at the foot of Jared’s bed. Jared really doesn’t mind. Maybe just for this one time they can act as scared little kids, just like before.
“Don’t take all the covers,” he jokes, trying to alleviate the tension in the air.
“Shut up.” Jensen’s smile can be heard in his voice. He drops onto the mattress and hits Jared with his elbow, trying to take up the entire space. Jared fights back and tries to push him off the bed, then he farts under the covers, a very loud one, and Jensen laughs so hard he can’t even speak anymore and starts hiccupping, which makes Jared giggle uncontrollably. His father has to come to warn them to be quiet.
It’s almost morning when they finally fall asleep. When Jared wakes up, Jensen’s head is resting on his chest and they’re holding hands, just like before. Jared stays very still for a long time and tries not to cry.
::: :::
Things change. That’s one of Alaina’s favorite sentences. Things change around you, Jared, and for most of it, you’ve got little to no control. You like being in control, and that’s normal. You’re still dealing with the aftermath of what happened to you. I know it was a long time ago, but by now, I know you realize that it will always be with you.
It doesn’t mean Jared has to accept it easily. For the first time in five years, he doesn’t get to see Jensen for six months in a row. They talk on the phone, send each other emails, but it isn’t the same.
Jensen has his mom's permission to come spend a couple of days during the Christmas holidays. His mother sends him on a bus, which gets Jared’s mom so upset his father has to calm her down so that she doesn’t scare Meggie. Jared doesn’t really get what’s so terrible about it. Buses aren’t safe, his mom says. Greyhound doesn’t give a shit about its passengers, she says.
They wait nervously at the bus station, even though Jensen had taken his mother’s cell phone and called once to say he was okay.
He's changed in six months, and looks even more serious and withdrawn than before. Seeing Jared, he smiles almost shyly and tells him he’s going to grow to be a giant. Jared shrugs. He has been dealing with his own problems lately, and the fact that he seems to be on an never-ending growth spurt is the least of his worries.
Puberty is a bitch. Jared sometimes wakes up hard in the morning, or with his sheets stained and his balls still throbbing. He doesn’t know what to do about it. It leaves him ashamed, disgusted with himself, and he wishes he could just forget that part of his body.
He can’t even bring himself to talk about this with Alaina. He doesn’t especially want to share this with Jensen either. They have a lot to catch on. All of Jensen’s emails were about how his new school sucked, and living with his granny sucked, and how the small town of Underhill is a shitty place to stay.
This time, it takes Jensen most of the first day to get comfortable enough to participate in the conversation. Then it’s better, even if there aren’t a lot of positive things he has to say. Jared works hard for them to have a good time, though, and he thinks he succeeded.
On the day Jensen has to take the bus back to Vermont, though, it’s another game entirely. They’re in Jared’s room, and Jensen piles up his things in his bag, shoving them with way more strength than necessary.
“I don’t wanna go back,” he mumbles. “Shit, I don’t want to go back. It fucking sucks.”
And yes, Jared might be a little shocked by his friend’s language, but he doesn’t show it. He missed Jensen. A lot. He too wishes he didn’t have to go.
“I’m sorry. You’re right, it sucks.”
“Who knows when she’ll allow me to visit again. And now my granny’s on my back too.”
“Is your mom looking for another job? Aren’t you guys supposed to find your own place to stay then?”
“No.” Jensen zips his back pack and throws it against the door. “Mom says gran needs us now because she has diabetes and she’s getting old, but that’s bullshit.”
Jensen is agitated and Jared is at loss as to how to get him to calm down. Jensen continues, “I can’t do anything ‘cause I’m just a freaking kid, and she doesn’t care. Doesn’t care at all about what I want.”
He drags the sleeve of his shirt up to his elbow and starts scratching at what appear to be a series of old, small cuts, some still covered with scabs. It’s strange: they’re lined up very neatly, one upon the other.
“Hey, did you hurt yourself?”
Jensen seems to realize what he's doing and blushes violently, lowering his sleeve. “That’s nothing, it’s better now.”
“But-“
“We’re going to be late,” Jensen cuts him off.
Jared thinks about the small, neat cuts for a long time after Jensen is gone. He knows some people like to hurt themselves, and the thought that Jensen could be doing this to himself is making him sick to his stomach. He speaks about it with Alaina who looks as worried as he does.
“I’d like to help you, Jared, I really do, but Jensen isn’t my patient anymore. What you can do, though, is try to make him talk about it. You guys talk on the phone and on the internet, right? Maybe you’re interpreting this the wrong way, have you thought about it?”
It’s easier to ask this kind of question via email. Jared is still nervous when he’s about to hit the “send” button.
Jensen sends him back an emoticon rolling its eyes. “I’d never do that. Relax. I hurt myself with this tool at school, in the carpentry class.”
Jared’s got no clue as to what kind of tool can cause the kind of wound he saw, but if Jensen says that’s what happened, he has no reason not to believe him. They’ve always been frank with each other.
Jared doesn’t see Jensen until Easter, then summer comes and his friend is allowed to spend a whole week with Jared’s family. That summer, he looks better. Maybe he got used to his new life in Vermont, maybe things are really getting better with his mom.
There’s something else, though. Jared senses a new distance between them. Jared thinks maybe it’s the fact that they don’t see each other as often as they used to. Maybe it’s his own fault. Jensen doesn’t talk anymore about how things are back home, even in his emails and phone calls. There are no more commentaries about his mother, or his school, or anything that used to make him upset. He speaks mostly about little things, like this skateboard he bought, or the new band he loves. He’s cheerful, although it’s a nervous cheerfulness.
Things have definitely changed, though, and Jared has to adjust. It’s okay, he keeps telling himself. They’re both growing up, putting the past behind them. Alaina helps Jared coming to terms with it. He has his own life to live, too. Does he think about the future? What does he want to do, how he’s seeing himself in ten years from now? Jared doesn’t know what to say. “You have to start thinking about you as a whole individual, not only as Jensen’s friend. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be important for you. I’m saying you can’t live his life. You have to let go a little. What about you, Jared Padalecki, almost fourteen years old? Who are you?”
He’s him, that’s all. He’s his parent’s son, his brother and sister's sibling. He’s Jensen's friend. Can’t this be enough?
::: :::
When Jared is fifteen, Alaina wants him to see another psychologist. He feels rejected and scared as hell, but she tries her best to reassure him. The man she's thinking about referring Jared to is a good psychiatrist and a psychologist. Misha Collins is the kind of man who wears a double hat so that he can care for his patients in all aspects of their mental health. He’s used to taking Alaina’s cases when the kids she cares for are growing into adulthood, and don’t need a psychologist specializing in children anymore, although they still need follow-up and even therapy. Jared still can’t wrap his head around it. Alaina reassures him that she won’t let him down. Maybe, she suggests gently, he should think about it. There are some issues she misses the competency to help Jared with.
He knows she’s referring to his puberty problems, and it makes him ashamed, although he’s sure Alaina would never judge him.
See, the thing is… Jared still hates the fact that he gets hard sometimes, even though it rarely happens now. He’s never been able to experience physical pleasure, and has no interest in it. At his age, some guys already have girlfriends, or are seriously starting to think about it, bringing skin mags to school or whispering between them about how hot a girl is. Jared can’t even bring himself to show interest. He sees the kids from school like familiar figures, others are friends, but none of them, boy or girl, trigger that little spark in him that should drive him to have the same ideas and desires as the others. Alaina says maybe he just needs some more time. The sexual abuse he has suffered can make it difficult for him to feel sexual desire. It frustrates Jared -not that he can’t be normal in this aspect of his life, but that he has to care about it at all. He doesn’t want to jerk himself off, doesn’t want to kiss a girl -or a boy. He doesn’t see the appeal.
Alaina says they can wait another year before thinking of transferring Jared to her colleague. He’s okay with it. After all, he only sees her once a month now, even though he still feels he needs it.
He only sees Jensen once that year. He comes to visit in the summer, showing off the piercing he now has in his right nostril. “Your mom let you do it?” Jared asks, impressed.
“No, but I did it anyway,” Jensen shrugs. He’s thirteen, is going through Jared’s too-long arm phase by then. He’s skinny, his blond hair is a little darker and he’s still way shorter than Jared. He smokes cigarettes when they’re both alone.
They don’t write to each other as often as they used to. Things change. Jared is busy with school and his friends. Busy living his own life. Jensen has tales about how he got suspended from telling one of his teachers to shut up or how he sneaks out of his room sometimes at night to meet some friend at the park nearby. He’s learning how to draw graffiti.
Jared wonders when exactly they’ve become so estrange to each other.
Chapter 4
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