Empty Spaces Chapter 6
Sorry for the delay!
Jared talks a lot. It isn’t a surprise -Jensen’s been listening to him for over three months but now it’s different. It feels like it doesn’t hurt to just listen and enjoy: no twisted sense of wrongness closes his throat like it did before, when he knew he didn’t have the right to make friend.
The car is going fast on the desert road. After the first ten minutes, Jensen is drenched in sweat, wearing his brand new hoodie and one of Jared’s old winter coat over it. He fights a little to take if off without unfastening his seatbelt, feeling Jared’s gaze on him.
“I was hot,” he says and then winces because yeah, contorting his bruised body wasn’t the idea of the year.
“Tylenol isn’t that effective, huh?”
“S’okay.”
But it’s not. Jensen has always been lulled by the movement of a car, feeling soothed and comfortably passive. Tonight, though, it doesn’t sooth any of the turmoil raging into his mind. He needs the pills, whatever they are, Valium or Morphine. His whole body thrums with pulsating pain and the still unbelievable, surreal thought of what he did. As hard as Jensen tries to let go, not to feel anything anymore, it doesn’t work.
The pills take everything away. The pills… The pills are back home, with Eric.
The only thing keeping Jensen from completely losing it is his fear of his boyfriend -of his ex, maybe- retaliation.
Home with Eric isn’t home anymore. A very quiet voice in the back of Jensen’s mind keeps pleading for going back, because even though Eric can hurt him so much, Jensen’s relationship with him is all he knows. It’s familiar, it’s what he understands about life.
Somewhere along the way you gave up, Jensen. You just stopped fighting and trying and just went with everything Eric wanted.
And now there is no going back. Jensen knows. His boyfriend (ex? Is it wrong to think “ex”? ) would kill him.
What have I done? He keeps thinking, and can’t help it. It’s like a loop in his head.
You saved yourself.
Then why can’t he be at peace?
Because he said he’d never let you go.
It doesn’t make sense. Eric can’t know where he is, but whenever Jared is out of sight, Jensen feels like he’s losing the only thing that keeps him grounded in the here and now. Whatever Jensen may think, Jared seems to believe he took the right decision. Jared sees Eric as the bad guy and doesn’t acknowledge Jensen’s own flaws. It seems so simple through his friend’s eyes.
“Do you like music? Want me to turn the radio on?”
“I…”
He wasn’t listening, damn it. Why can’t he just listen?
“It’s okay if you don’t want to. I mean… We’re okay, right? Am I talking too much? I bet I am.”
“No you’re not. It…”
Fills the empty spaces in my head. Where does that come from? But hasn’t it been like this since the beginning? Jensen was dragged to Jared despite the danger of making a friend because Jared took so much space, literally as well as figuratively; it gave Jensen the impression to be full, to be complete, like he could just dissolve in the warm shadow of Jared and feel safe, protected.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. Sorry,” Jensen finally blurts out.
“You’re tired. We both are.”
Jared has had so many things to do so that they could leave as soon as possible. The worst has probably been when he’d had to go back to his apartment to pack stuff and then stop for grocery shopping. Jensen understood on a purely intellectual level that Jared would be alright, that imagining Eric hiding in the shadows was a little farfetched -even more: thinking that he might follow Jared’s car to Genevieve’s apartment. Still, Jensen just couldn’t get himself to calm down and had been a shivering crying mess comforted by a woman he barely knew but that seemed to love him so much. He’d fallen asleep again when Jared had been back, his fish bowl between its hands, short of breath and assuring him that he hadn’t seen Eric anywhere.
It’s hard to believe that, twenty four hours earlier, Jensen was barely conscious while Eric made love to (raped) him after having beaten him up so bad Jensen had started to believe that this… this would the time where Eric wouldn’t be able to get his control back and kill him.
“… According to the GPS we’re only twenty minutes from Greeley Pond.”
“Good,” Jensen says.
::: :::
The cabin is more like a small two stories wooden house, looking clean and standing proud through dark pines covered in frosted snow. It will be cold inside for a while even if Kathie keeps the electric heat running when they aren’t there in the winter. There is supposed to be a fireplace, though. Jared’s plan is to settle Jensen in front of it and to get everything inside and ready right after.
Jensen has trouble staying up right. He looks as bad as the night before, even if the swelling on his face has started to subside. He’s in bad shape, seems hollow and haunted, so frail in Jared’s winter coat.
The cabin is tidy and looks comfortable enough. Jared spots the large fireplace and makes Jensen sit on the couch nearby, immediately getting the fire going. He still remembers camping trips with his father and his brother, listening avidly to everything Gerry would teach him. As it turned out, neither Jared nor Jeff had developed a taste for the outdoors when they got in their teens. It must have disappointed their father so much, even if he never said anything.
Jared feels like a crappy son, suddenly. He misses his dad.
He finds himself telling all of this to Jensen while the small flames grow in the fireplace. Jensen nods, trying to keep his teeth from chattering.
“I miss my mom,” he whispers, which makes Jared gasps discreetly because Jensen had never mentioned her before.
“Where is she?” Jared asks as softly as he can.
“Don’t know. I haven’t seen her since I was a kid.”
It seems almost like taking advantage of him to keep on asking questions while Jensen struggles to stay awake and not to freeze in place. Jared to turn up the electric heat and to get the stuff inside. They have all week, after all.
It doesn’t take long to get everything ready. Jared follows the instructions Kathie had given Genevieve: lower the temperature of the fridge, get the water going to be sure it isn’t frozen. Then, he explores a little. The rooms are upstairs. There are two of them: One with twin beds bunks, probably for the kids, and the other with a king size bed. Jared wonders if he’d fit in one of the bunks because he’s reluctant to have Jensen sleep on his own. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to force Jensen to share a bed with him, even in the most platonic way, even if that’s what the young man had asked the previous night.
Jared finally drops the bags in the master bedroom and goes back downstairs. It’s seven o’clock in the evening and Jensen hasn’t eaten anything since the few mouthfuls of soup he had at Genevieve’s.
It’s already getting warmer. Jensen is sleeping, half sitting, half lying on the couch, tucked into Jared’s coat. Jared leaves him to be. He seems warm and almost comfortable.
Jared boils spaghettis and heat Bolognese sauce in the silence of the cabin, smiling to himself as he remembers his conversation with his superior earlier in the afternoon, when he had called to say he needed the week off. Patrick wasn’t happy. He’d start yelling that unless one of Jared’s immediate family members had died, he would drag his ass to work the next morning. They’re already short on employees at the customer’s service and Patrick hadn’t find it especially funny that Jared and Genevieve had called sick the same day. “It’s personal,” Jared had said. “I wouldn’t ask for it if I didn’t need it.”
“Fuck your personal stuff, Padalecki. If you’re not there tomorrow, you might as well find another fucking job!”
Very well, Jared had said before hanging up. He should have been upset but he doubted Patrick had really been serious. His boss was known for his bad, impulsive temper. Even then, the idea of finding himself without a job, instead of bothering Jared, is somewhat stimulating.
The dinner is almost ready when Jensen stumbles in the kitchen, cheeks red from being exposed to the fire, eyes glassy with confusion. He’s taken the coat off. “Sorry I fell asleep once again.” He whispers, voice a bit scratchy.
“It’s okay. Dinner’s ready. How do you feel? Need some Advil for the pain?”
“Yeah. You bring some?”
“F’course. Wait here.”
When Jared comes back with the pills, he’s surprised to see Jensen serving two plates of Bolognese spaghettis with assured gestures: his portion his way to small and Jared’s way too generous but this is the first spontaneous “normal” behavior Jensen displays since the previous night and Jared is more relieved than he can tell.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” Jensen asks, sitting himself while avoiding Jared’s eyes. “You… After what you did for me…”
He shrugs and swallows the Advil quickly.
“Come on, we’re friends. That’s what friends are for.”
They eat in silence for a few minutes. Jensen’s appetite seems to be better. He looks around himself pensively while eating until Jared just can’t stand the silence anymore.
“It’s a nice cabin, right?”
“Yes, it is. It really is. You huh… It’s the first time in four years I’ve left Augusta.”
“You… You never went away? For anything? Eric never took you… I don’t know, in vacation?”
Jared curses himself, wishing to swallows his words back. He wants Jensen to relax and he’s the one bringing back the Eric in the conversation.
“He never takes vacation. He’s a general surgeon. Very busy.”
“But do you know his family, did he ever-“
“No!” Jensen cuts harshly, putting his fork down. “Geez, I’m s-s-sorry. I don’t… I don’t know what I’m doing here I can’t… I need my pills, Jared, I need not to feel anything.”
Jared feels his heart clenching at the sight. Jensen is shaking again, covering his face with his hands.
“Jensen. Hey, Jensen. What you’re doing here is only spending some time with a friend so that you can think about the next step in your life, okay?”
Jesus, since when Jared has become a motivational speaker?
“I can’t do this,” Jensen cries. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t, Jared, I don’t know why I called you I w-whu-was out of my mind.”
Jensen stands up so fast his chair flips back and falls on the floor. Startled by the noise, the young man flinches and begins to walk back and forth near the table, back and forth, pressing his hands together.
“Jensen.”
“Stop!” Jensen screams. “Stop being so nice, stop making me feel like… like I’m important to you. And -and- I wouldn’t have called, wouldn’t have called if I had known but you… YOU!”
Jensen points a shaking finger at Jared who’s getting up too, still a little baffled at how this quiet dinner has suddenly become the source of another one of Jensen’s break down.
“What? Are you mad at me? God, Jensen, you can say it if-“
“N-n-nhu-NO! I’m not… WHY did you become my friend? Before you I was okay. I… I just listened to what he said and tried to be good to him and most of the time I was okay with it. Because I’m messed up, Jared! My father threw me out when I was sixteen and he- He must have had good reasons, right? And -and Eric. He can lose his temper sometimes but he didn’t reject me. He took care of me because I’m irresponsible and I’m unstable and-
“Jensen, damn it!” Jared says loud enough to startle him.
He can help it, he’s so angry it burst out of him suddenly, and everything he bottled up since he went to get Jensen can’t be contained anymore. He’s mad at Eric Johnson, wants to go back there and beat him up until he cries for mercy. He’s mad at Jensen’s father. He’s even mad at his mother whom he doesn’t know nothing about.
He’s mad at Jensen. For not seeing the reality as it is.
Come on, man, get a hold of yourself. It’s not his fault.
But Jared is already taking Jensen’s hand and dragging him in the bathroom. Jensen doesn’t fight, just whimpers and keep his head down.
Jared puts him in front of the mirror and stands behind him. “Look, Jensen.”
“Stop, let me go,” Jensen rasps.
Jared has released his hand as soon as they were positioned. “I’m not holding you. You can leave the bathroom if you want.”
Jensen shivers but doesn’t move. He’s still shaking badly, arms wrapped around himself to protect his already broken body.
“Look at yourself, please,” Jared says, feeling the anger leaving him as suddenly as it came.
Jensen lifts his head slowly. At first, he keeps his eyes lowered down, like he can’t even stand his own reflection. Jared asks once more and Jensen’s long eyelashes flutter before he finally obeys.
“There. See. This, this is what Eric did to you.”
“Don’t do this, Jared,” Jensen whispers, looking at him through the mirror.
“You are scared out of your mind, Jensen. You didn’t want me to go back to my apartment because you feared Eric would be there waiting for me. This is the man you’re still defending. He almost broke your nose. He bit you. He crushed your wrist so hard his freaking fingerprints are there on the skin.”
“Jared,” Jensen protests feebly.
“Now look at yourself and try to convince me that you really want to go back living with him.”
New tears slide down Jensen’s cheeks. He takes a long shuddering breath and leans back against Jared’s chest.
“I know,” he says. “It’s not rational. I don’t want to go back. I’m a freaking mess, Jared.”
“This isn’t about you, Jense. It’s about a guy that’s been controlling you in every possible way for the past four years. You are the victim here. And somewhere, deep down, you know that. You knew and tried to find some help before, calling a suicide help center. You became my friend even though you knew Eric wouldn’t take it well. You called me last night. You wanted someone to help you.”
“It’s too hard,” Jensen protest without energy. “What am I gonna do, Jared?”
“I said it before: give yourself a little time. All of this is overwhelming, for me as well, you know? We’re here for now. You’re safe. You’re angry because you know it doesn’t make sense wanting to go back to Eric. Stop being angry at yourself. Be angry at him.”
Jensen snorts in derision. He’s still breathing way too fast and his eyes have this wounded animal shadow in them but the worst of the anxiety attack is over, Jared can tell.
“I ruined dinner,” Jensen whispers.
Jared barks out a laugh -can’t help himself. “No you didn’t. I bought desert. Let’s stuff ourselves with sugar, what do you say? ”
“Okay,” Jensen nods, sniffing.
“Okay.”
::: :::
Jensen is quiet after this, but it doesn’t surprise Jared. He’s starting to see a pattern in his friend’s behavior: his anxiety rises and recedes like a wave. It leaves him exhausted and passive but at least he’s calm. The peaks don’t seem to last for long. If Jared can be there and help when they happen, maybe, just maybe, Jensen will be able to get back some control over the days to come.
Jensen insists to help with the dishes and to go get some woods in the shed for the fireplace. He seems to need the distraction and Jared gives him simple tasks to get his mind out of the heaviness of his situation. It’s only eight thirty when Jared proposes that they go to bed. Jensen keeps yawning. His eyelids are heavy, his eyes glassy. It’s more than time to get some rest.
They get ready quickly. Jared takes care of the wound of Jensen’s shoulder and offers him some Tylenol. Kerry once told him that sometimes, alternating between ibuprofen and acetaminophen gives a better control over the pain. Of course, it seems almost ridiculous considering that Jensen was giving high dosage of morphine before but really, Jared will do everything he can to soothes his friend in any way possible.
Jared makes sure both doors and the windows are locked downstairs -and that Jensen is aware of it. Then, when they get to the master bedroom, he explains that they could as well sleep in the other room, each on a bunk bed.
“You won’t fit,” Jensen says, a small smile on his still swollen lips. “Or you’re going to break it. Fall on me during the night with the mattress and frame.”
“I’m not that-“
“Yeah, you totally are.”
“Okay,” Jared smiles too, can’t help it, hearing the soft but unmistakable playful tone of Jensen. “Listen, Jense. I kind of want to offer you to sleep with me in this bed because that’s what we did last night and you needed it. But I don’t want you to be uneasy with it or… think that I would in any way take advantage of you.”
“Don’t think I can’t sleep alone,” Jensen answers simply. “Are you uneasy about it?”
“No.”
Jared makes sure the hallway light stays open and splits the blankets so that Jensen and him can each have their own. He lies down first, careful to stay on his side of the bed. Jensen does the same. Here they are, on their back ,next to each other without moving, without touching. After a while, Jensen sights deeply and fumbles to find Jared’s hand under the covers. Jared presses back softly.
“I really like it here,” Jensen whispers. “It’s quiet. It… seems so far away from everything.”
“It is quiet. I like it too.”
“Jared?”
“What?”
“You’re… you’re my f-fhu-friend, right?”
“You haven’t been listening the first hundred times I told you? I am your friend.”
“Because I… S’just hard for me to believe it.”
Jared doesn’t answer back. Jensen is biting his lower lip, visibly thinking about adding something and Jared doesn’t want to be in the way.
“And I don’t… I don’t say anything about myself because I’m ashamed. I huh… What you did for me, it… It counts, it’s important to me. You w-whu-wanna know how I ended up with Eric in the first place?”
“Only if you feel like telling me.”
Jensen huffs then turns on his side to look at Jared. He doesn’t let go of his hand. “T’was true when I said I don’t give anything back. And this, what I’m going to tell you, it’s something, okay? You deserve to know how messed up I am. It’s unfair for you to believe I’m just a victim.”
You are, god damn it. Eric spent four years convincing you that you were some kind of monster but he was the monstrous one.
Jared doesn’t say any of this, not if he wants Jensen to open up to him.
“I’m listening,” he answers instead, turning on his side too, facing Jensen.
“So huh… Yeah. It was just me and my dad at home. My mom left when I was five, or six -I don’t really know, dad didn’t want me to talk about her. He was… I mean, he was a good father, took care of me. He was just quiet. Anyway, my best friend Chris was living next door and although he was a little older than me we were always together. I figured out I was gay soon enough, maybe around thirteen. Chris… I don’t know. I’ve seen him with girls but-
Jensen stops to clear his throat. It’s the more Jared has heard him saying in one shot, and apparently he’s not done.
“That afternoon, when I was sixteen, we started messing around in my room. Chris and me. I don’t know how it shifted to something else but we… you know, started touching each other. And of course that’s when my dad comes in early from work and when he saw us, he got madder than I've ever saw him.”
“That’s why he threw you out?”
Jensen nods. “Yeah he… said to pack my things, that it wasn’t my home anymore. Called me a fag, that kind of things. I huh… I begged him but he wouldn’t listen. I think there was already something going on because he said that he knew this would happen, that he couldn’t stand to look at me anymore.”
“What a fucking moron.”
Jensen shrugs. “In the end, he packed my stuff in this garbage bag and I left. Chris was waiting for me. He said… He said he had some stuff to do but that he would leave with me. I couldn’t stay right in front of my dad’s house so I went somewhere in town to wait for him, under an old bridge where we would hang up sometimes.”
“What happened then?”
Jensen swallows loudly. Jared is aware of the effort he makes to go through with the story. “He huh… never came. Was supposed to be there in the evening and he wasn’t. I waited until I fell asleep and come morning, he was still not there. I found a pay phone -didn’t have a cell, my dad didn’t want me to. Chris’ mom answered and she told me Chris didn’t want to speak with me. She told me to get lost.”
“Jense, maybe she wasn’t saying the truth, you get this, right? Maybe Chris…”
“Doesn’t change anything,” Jensen sobs softly. “I waited another day and then a cop came by and told me I was loitering and I ran. Never went back. My dad had been pretty clear and the only other family member I knew was an aunt -his sister, living in Missouri. And I figured… If my dad told her that I was a freaking fagot and what he did, she wouldn’t want me either. There was nowhere else to go.”
“Must have been scary.”
Jensen presses Jared’s hand a little harder. “I bought a bus ticket. Didn’t know what else to do. At least, I’d be warm in a bus. Maybe I’d think of something. I was stupid, I couldn’t think of any other solution, you know?”
“You were young.”
“Arrived here. Didn’t have any more money for the bus. It was October and getting cold and huh… I tried to find a job but who’s going to hire someone who can’t even give an address and who carries his stuff in a freaking garbage bag. For a couple of weeks I stayed downtown and tried to sleep where I could, to get my head around the fact that I was, basically, homeless. And then one night… one night it was freaking freezing and I was walking on the side of the road and fuck, I was hungry -hadn’t eaten in two days. So this car slows down and the window lowers and there is this guy -in his forties, maybe, and -and…”
Jensen stops abruptly and covers his mouth with the back of his hand. His chest is shaking convulsively, like he’s trying to hold back a sob. Jared is almost certain of what will come next and thinks maybe Jensen has done enough for one night. He spoke for a long time, without even stuttering.
“I don’t want to tell you,” Jensen murmurs behind his hand. “I can’t.”
“S’okay. I’m in no hurry. That was a big chunk of your life you just let out.”
“Never talked about it, not once, in four years.”
“What happened to you was horrible, Jensen.”
Jensen shrugs then tries to stifle a yawn. “I don’t know. My dad, he was a nice man, Jared. He wouldn’t have-“
Jared gets closer to Jensen until he can wrap his arm around his shoulders. “You were a kid. You were his fucking responsibility. Being gay isn’t a crime, you know that.”
“Yeah,” Jensen trails out, settling on his back with his head resting in the crook of Jared’s shoulder. “But dad, he said some other things, so maybe…”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Wait until you know the rest, you won’t be so eager to take my defense.”
Jared lets it go for the time being. Jensen is losing his battle against sleep. The bed is comfortable and warm. It feels good, having Jensen so close to him, and not in a sexual way. Jared still feels the same intense love for him -of course he does. If anything, it has only gotten more intense in the last twenty four hours- but right now he’s never been less interested in sex.
Jensen needs him, not in that way, maybe not ever, but somewhere along the lines, Jared has found out he’s okay with it.
“Sleep,” he whispers. “I’m here.”
Jensen closes his eyes and sleeps.
Chapter 7
--- ---
Jared talks a lot. It isn’t a surprise -Jensen’s been listening to him for over three months but now it’s different. It feels like it doesn’t hurt to just listen and enjoy: no twisted sense of wrongness closes his throat like it did before, when he knew he didn’t have the right to make friend.
The car is going fast on the desert road. After the first ten minutes, Jensen is drenched in sweat, wearing his brand new hoodie and one of Jared’s old winter coat over it. He fights a little to take if off without unfastening his seatbelt, feeling Jared’s gaze on him.
“I was hot,” he says and then winces because yeah, contorting his bruised body wasn’t the idea of the year.
“Tylenol isn’t that effective, huh?”
“S’okay.”
But it’s not. Jensen has always been lulled by the movement of a car, feeling soothed and comfortably passive. Tonight, though, it doesn’t sooth any of the turmoil raging into his mind. He needs the pills, whatever they are, Valium or Morphine. His whole body thrums with pulsating pain and the still unbelievable, surreal thought of what he did. As hard as Jensen tries to let go, not to feel anything anymore, it doesn’t work.
The pills take everything away. The pills… The pills are back home, with Eric.
The only thing keeping Jensen from completely losing it is his fear of his boyfriend -of his ex, maybe- retaliation.
Home with Eric isn’t home anymore. A very quiet voice in the back of Jensen’s mind keeps pleading for going back, because even though Eric can hurt him so much, Jensen’s relationship with him is all he knows. It’s familiar, it’s what he understands about life.
Somewhere along the way you gave up, Jensen. You just stopped fighting and trying and just went with everything Eric wanted.
And now there is no going back. Jensen knows. His boyfriend (ex? Is it wrong to think “ex”? ) would kill him.
What have I done? He keeps thinking, and can’t help it. It’s like a loop in his head.
You saved yourself.
Then why can’t he be at peace?
Because he said he’d never let you go.
It doesn’t make sense. Eric can’t know where he is, but whenever Jared is out of sight, Jensen feels like he’s losing the only thing that keeps him grounded in the here and now. Whatever Jensen may think, Jared seems to believe he took the right decision. Jared sees Eric as the bad guy and doesn’t acknowledge Jensen’s own flaws. It seems so simple through his friend’s eyes.
“Do you like music? Want me to turn the radio on?”
“I…”
He wasn’t listening, damn it. Why can’t he just listen?
“It’s okay if you don’t want to. I mean… We’re okay, right? Am I talking too much? I bet I am.”
“No you’re not. It…”
Fills the empty spaces in my head. Where does that come from? But hasn’t it been like this since the beginning? Jensen was dragged to Jared despite the danger of making a friend because Jared took so much space, literally as well as figuratively; it gave Jensen the impression to be full, to be complete, like he could just dissolve in the warm shadow of Jared and feel safe, protected.
“I don’t know what I’m saying. Sorry,” Jensen finally blurts out.
“You’re tired. We both are.”
Jared has had so many things to do so that they could leave as soon as possible. The worst has probably been when he’d had to go back to his apartment to pack stuff and then stop for grocery shopping. Jensen understood on a purely intellectual level that Jared would be alright, that imagining Eric hiding in the shadows was a little farfetched -even more: thinking that he might follow Jared’s car to Genevieve’s apartment. Still, Jensen just couldn’t get himself to calm down and had been a shivering crying mess comforted by a woman he barely knew but that seemed to love him so much. He’d fallen asleep again when Jared had been back, his fish bowl between its hands, short of breath and assuring him that he hadn’t seen Eric anywhere.
It’s hard to believe that, twenty four hours earlier, Jensen was barely conscious while Eric made love to (raped) him after having beaten him up so bad Jensen had started to believe that this… this would the time where Eric wouldn’t be able to get his control back and kill him.
“… According to the GPS we’re only twenty minutes from Greeley Pond.”
“Good,” Jensen says.
::: :::
The cabin is more like a small two stories wooden house, looking clean and standing proud through dark pines covered in frosted snow. It will be cold inside for a while even if Kathie keeps the electric heat running when they aren’t there in the winter. There is supposed to be a fireplace, though. Jared’s plan is to settle Jensen in front of it and to get everything inside and ready right after.
Jensen has trouble staying up right. He looks as bad as the night before, even if the swelling on his face has started to subside. He’s in bad shape, seems hollow and haunted, so frail in Jared’s winter coat.
The cabin is tidy and looks comfortable enough. Jared spots the large fireplace and makes Jensen sit on the couch nearby, immediately getting the fire going. He still remembers camping trips with his father and his brother, listening avidly to everything Gerry would teach him. As it turned out, neither Jared nor Jeff had developed a taste for the outdoors when they got in their teens. It must have disappointed their father so much, even if he never said anything.
Jared feels like a crappy son, suddenly. He misses his dad.
He finds himself telling all of this to Jensen while the small flames grow in the fireplace. Jensen nods, trying to keep his teeth from chattering.
“I miss my mom,” he whispers, which makes Jared gasps discreetly because Jensen had never mentioned her before.
“Where is she?” Jared asks as softly as he can.
“Don’t know. I haven’t seen her since I was a kid.”
It seems almost like taking advantage of him to keep on asking questions while Jensen struggles to stay awake and not to freeze in place. Jared to turn up the electric heat and to get the stuff inside. They have all week, after all.
It doesn’t take long to get everything ready. Jared follows the instructions Kathie had given Genevieve: lower the temperature of the fridge, get the water going to be sure it isn’t frozen. Then, he explores a little. The rooms are upstairs. There are two of them: One with twin beds bunks, probably for the kids, and the other with a king size bed. Jared wonders if he’d fit in one of the bunks because he’s reluctant to have Jensen sleep on his own. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to force Jensen to share a bed with him, even in the most platonic way, even if that’s what the young man had asked the previous night.
Jared finally drops the bags in the master bedroom and goes back downstairs. It’s seven o’clock in the evening and Jensen hasn’t eaten anything since the few mouthfuls of soup he had at Genevieve’s.
It’s already getting warmer. Jensen is sleeping, half sitting, half lying on the couch, tucked into Jared’s coat. Jared leaves him to be. He seems warm and almost comfortable.
Jared boils spaghettis and heat Bolognese sauce in the silence of the cabin, smiling to himself as he remembers his conversation with his superior earlier in the afternoon, when he had called to say he needed the week off. Patrick wasn’t happy. He’d start yelling that unless one of Jared’s immediate family members had died, he would drag his ass to work the next morning. They’re already short on employees at the customer’s service and Patrick hadn’t find it especially funny that Jared and Genevieve had called sick the same day. “It’s personal,” Jared had said. “I wouldn’t ask for it if I didn’t need it.”
“Fuck your personal stuff, Padalecki. If you’re not there tomorrow, you might as well find another fucking job!”
Very well, Jared had said before hanging up. He should have been upset but he doubted Patrick had really been serious. His boss was known for his bad, impulsive temper. Even then, the idea of finding himself without a job, instead of bothering Jared, is somewhat stimulating.
The dinner is almost ready when Jensen stumbles in the kitchen, cheeks red from being exposed to the fire, eyes glassy with confusion. He’s taken the coat off. “Sorry I fell asleep once again.” He whispers, voice a bit scratchy.
“It’s okay. Dinner’s ready. How do you feel? Need some Advil for the pain?”
“Yeah. You bring some?”
“F’course. Wait here.”
When Jared comes back with the pills, he’s surprised to see Jensen serving two plates of Bolognese spaghettis with assured gestures: his portion his way to small and Jared’s way too generous but this is the first spontaneous “normal” behavior Jensen displays since the previous night and Jared is more relieved than he can tell.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” Jensen asks, sitting himself while avoiding Jared’s eyes. “You… After what you did for me…”
He shrugs and swallows the Advil quickly.
“Come on, we’re friends. That’s what friends are for.”
They eat in silence for a few minutes. Jensen’s appetite seems to be better. He looks around himself pensively while eating until Jared just can’t stand the silence anymore.
“It’s a nice cabin, right?”
“Yes, it is. It really is. You huh… It’s the first time in four years I’ve left Augusta.”
“You… You never went away? For anything? Eric never took you… I don’t know, in vacation?”
Jared curses himself, wishing to swallows his words back. He wants Jensen to relax and he’s the one bringing back the Eric in the conversation.
“He never takes vacation. He’s a general surgeon. Very busy.”
“But do you know his family, did he ever-“
“No!” Jensen cuts harshly, putting his fork down. “Geez, I’m s-s-sorry. I don’t… I don’t know what I’m doing here I can’t… I need my pills, Jared, I need not to feel anything.”
Jared feels his heart clenching at the sight. Jensen is shaking again, covering his face with his hands.
“Jensen. Hey, Jensen. What you’re doing here is only spending some time with a friend so that you can think about the next step in your life, okay?”
Jesus, since when Jared has become a motivational speaker?
“I can’t do this,” Jensen cries. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t, Jared, I don’t know why I called you I w-whu-was out of my mind.”
Jensen stands up so fast his chair flips back and falls on the floor. Startled by the noise, the young man flinches and begins to walk back and forth near the table, back and forth, pressing his hands together.
“Jensen.”
“Stop!” Jensen screams. “Stop being so nice, stop making me feel like… like I’m important to you. And -and- I wouldn’t have called, wouldn’t have called if I had known but you… YOU!”
Jensen points a shaking finger at Jared who’s getting up too, still a little baffled at how this quiet dinner has suddenly become the source of another one of Jensen’s break down.
“What? Are you mad at me? God, Jensen, you can say it if-“
“N-n-nhu-NO! I’m not… WHY did you become my friend? Before you I was okay. I… I just listened to what he said and tried to be good to him and most of the time I was okay with it. Because I’m messed up, Jared! My father threw me out when I was sixteen and he- He must have had good reasons, right? And -and Eric. He can lose his temper sometimes but he didn’t reject me. He took care of me because I’m irresponsible and I’m unstable and-
“Jensen, damn it!” Jared says loud enough to startle him.
He can help it, he’s so angry it burst out of him suddenly, and everything he bottled up since he went to get Jensen can’t be contained anymore. He’s mad at Eric Johnson, wants to go back there and beat him up until he cries for mercy. He’s mad at Jensen’s father. He’s even mad at his mother whom he doesn’t know nothing about.
He’s mad at Jensen. For not seeing the reality as it is.
Come on, man, get a hold of yourself. It’s not his fault.
But Jared is already taking Jensen’s hand and dragging him in the bathroom. Jensen doesn’t fight, just whimpers and keep his head down.
Jared puts him in front of the mirror and stands behind him. “Look, Jensen.”
“Stop, let me go,” Jensen rasps.
Jared has released his hand as soon as they were positioned. “I’m not holding you. You can leave the bathroom if you want.”
Jensen shivers but doesn’t move. He’s still shaking badly, arms wrapped around himself to protect his already broken body.
“Look at yourself, please,” Jared says, feeling the anger leaving him as suddenly as it came.
Jensen lifts his head slowly. At first, he keeps his eyes lowered down, like he can’t even stand his own reflection. Jared asks once more and Jensen’s long eyelashes flutter before he finally obeys.
“There. See. This, this is what Eric did to you.”
“Don’t do this, Jared,” Jensen whispers, looking at him through the mirror.
“You are scared out of your mind, Jensen. You didn’t want me to go back to my apartment because you feared Eric would be there waiting for me. This is the man you’re still defending. He almost broke your nose. He bit you. He crushed your wrist so hard his freaking fingerprints are there on the skin.”
“Jared,” Jensen protests feebly.
“Now look at yourself and try to convince me that you really want to go back living with him.”
New tears slide down Jensen’s cheeks. He takes a long shuddering breath and leans back against Jared’s chest.
“I know,” he says. “It’s not rational. I don’t want to go back. I’m a freaking mess, Jared.”
“This isn’t about you, Jense. It’s about a guy that’s been controlling you in every possible way for the past four years. You are the victim here. And somewhere, deep down, you know that. You knew and tried to find some help before, calling a suicide help center. You became my friend even though you knew Eric wouldn’t take it well. You called me last night. You wanted someone to help you.”
“It’s too hard,” Jensen protest without energy. “What am I gonna do, Jared?”
“I said it before: give yourself a little time. All of this is overwhelming, for me as well, you know? We’re here for now. You’re safe. You’re angry because you know it doesn’t make sense wanting to go back to Eric. Stop being angry at yourself. Be angry at him.”
Jensen snorts in derision. He’s still breathing way too fast and his eyes have this wounded animal shadow in them but the worst of the anxiety attack is over, Jared can tell.
“I ruined dinner,” Jensen whispers.
Jared barks out a laugh -can’t help himself. “No you didn’t. I bought desert. Let’s stuff ourselves with sugar, what do you say? ”
“Okay,” Jensen nods, sniffing.
“Okay.”
::: :::
Jensen is quiet after this, but it doesn’t surprise Jared. He’s starting to see a pattern in his friend’s behavior: his anxiety rises and recedes like a wave. It leaves him exhausted and passive but at least he’s calm. The peaks don’t seem to last for long. If Jared can be there and help when they happen, maybe, just maybe, Jensen will be able to get back some control over the days to come.
Jensen insists to help with the dishes and to go get some woods in the shed for the fireplace. He seems to need the distraction and Jared gives him simple tasks to get his mind out of the heaviness of his situation. It’s only eight thirty when Jared proposes that they go to bed. Jensen keeps yawning. His eyelids are heavy, his eyes glassy. It’s more than time to get some rest.
They get ready quickly. Jared takes care of the wound of Jensen’s shoulder and offers him some Tylenol. Kerry once told him that sometimes, alternating between ibuprofen and acetaminophen gives a better control over the pain. Of course, it seems almost ridiculous considering that Jensen was giving high dosage of morphine before but really, Jared will do everything he can to soothes his friend in any way possible.
Jared makes sure both doors and the windows are locked downstairs -and that Jensen is aware of it. Then, when they get to the master bedroom, he explains that they could as well sleep in the other room, each on a bunk bed.
“You won’t fit,” Jensen says, a small smile on his still swollen lips. “Or you’re going to break it. Fall on me during the night with the mattress and frame.”
“I’m not that-“
“Yeah, you totally are.”
“Okay,” Jared smiles too, can’t help it, hearing the soft but unmistakable playful tone of Jensen. “Listen, Jense. I kind of want to offer you to sleep with me in this bed because that’s what we did last night and you needed it. But I don’t want you to be uneasy with it or… think that I would in any way take advantage of you.”
“Don’t think I can’t sleep alone,” Jensen answers simply. “Are you uneasy about it?”
“No.”
Jared makes sure the hallway light stays open and splits the blankets so that Jensen and him can each have their own. He lies down first, careful to stay on his side of the bed. Jensen does the same. Here they are, on their back ,next to each other without moving, without touching. After a while, Jensen sights deeply and fumbles to find Jared’s hand under the covers. Jared presses back softly.
“I really like it here,” Jensen whispers. “It’s quiet. It… seems so far away from everything.”
“It is quiet. I like it too.”
“Jared?”
“What?”
“You’re… you’re my f-fhu-friend, right?”
“You haven’t been listening the first hundred times I told you? I am your friend.”
“Because I… S’just hard for me to believe it.”
Jared doesn’t answer back. Jensen is biting his lower lip, visibly thinking about adding something and Jared doesn’t want to be in the way.
“And I don’t… I don’t say anything about myself because I’m ashamed. I huh… What you did for me, it… It counts, it’s important to me. You w-whu-wanna know how I ended up with Eric in the first place?”
“Only if you feel like telling me.”
Jensen huffs then turns on his side to look at Jared. He doesn’t let go of his hand. “T’was true when I said I don’t give anything back. And this, what I’m going to tell you, it’s something, okay? You deserve to know how messed up I am. It’s unfair for you to believe I’m just a victim.”
You are, god damn it. Eric spent four years convincing you that you were some kind of monster but he was the monstrous one.
Jared doesn’t say any of this, not if he wants Jensen to open up to him.
“I’m listening,” he answers instead, turning on his side too, facing Jensen.
“So huh… Yeah. It was just me and my dad at home. My mom left when I was five, or six -I don’t really know, dad didn’t want me to talk about her. He was… I mean, he was a good father, took care of me. He was just quiet. Anyway, my best friend Chris was living next door and although he was a little older than me we were always together. I figured out I was gay soon enough, maybe around thirteen. Chris… I don’t know. I’ve seen him with girls but-
Jensen stops to clear his throat. It’s the more Jared has heard him saying in one shot, and apparently he’s not done.
“That afternoon, when I was sixteen, we started messing around in my room. Chris and me. I don’t know how it shifted to something else but we… you know, started touching each other. And of course that’s when my dad comes in early from work and when he saw us, he got madder than I've ever saw him.”
“That’s why he threw you out?”
Jensen nods. “Yeah he… said to pack my things, that it wasn’t my home anymore. Called me a fag, that kind of things. I huh… I begged him but he wouldn’t listen. I think there was already something going on because he said that he knew this would happen, that he couldn’t stand to look at me anymore.”
“What a fucking moron.”
Jensen shrugs. “In the end, he packed my stuff in this garbage bag and I left. Chris was waiting for me. He said… He said he had some stuff to do but that he would leave with me. I couldn’t stay right in front of my dad’s house so I went somewhere in town to wait for him, under an old bridge where we would hang up sometimes.”
“What happened then?”
Jensen swallows loudly. Jared is aware of the effort he makes to go through with the story. “He huh… never came. Was supposed to be there in the evening and he wasn’t. I waited until I fell asleep and come morning, he was still not there. I found a pay phone -didn’t have a cell, my dad didn’t want me to. Chris’ mom answered and she told me Chris didn’t want to speak with me. She told me to get lost.”
“Jense, maybe she wasn’t saying the truth, you get this, right? Maybe Chris…”
“Doesn’t change anything,” Jensen sobs softly. “I waited another day and then a cop came by and told me I was loitering and I ran. Never went back. My dad had been pretty clear and the only other family member I knew was an aunt -his sister, living in Missouri. And I figured… If my dad told her that I was a freaking fagot and what he did, she wouldn’t want me either. There was nowhere else to go.”
“Must have been scary.”
Jensen presses Jared’s hand a little harder. “I bought a bus ticket. Didn’t know what else to do. At least, I’d be warm in a bus. Maybe I’d think of something. I was stupid, I couldn’t think of any other solution, you know?”
“You were young.”
“Arrived here. Didn’t have any more money for the bus. It was October and getting cold and huh… I tried to find a job but who’s going to hire someone who can’t even give an address and who carries his stuff in a freaking garbage bag. For a couple of weeks I stayed downtown and tried to sleep where I could, to get my head around the fact that I was, basically, homeless. And then one night… one night it was freaking freezing and I was walking on the side of the road and fuck, I was hungry -hadn’t eaten in two days. So this car slows down and the window lowers and there is this guy -in his forties, maybe, and -and…”
Jensen stops abruptly and covers his mouth with the back of his hand. His chest is shaking convulsively, like he’s trying to hold back a sob. Jared is almost certain of what will come next and thinks maybe Jensen has done enough for one night. He spoke for a long time, without even stuttering.
“I don’t want to tell you,” Jensen murmurs behind his hand. “I can’t.”
“S’okay. I’m in no hurry. That was a big chunk of your life you just let out.”
“Never talked about it, not once, in four years.”
“What happened to you was horrible, Jensen.”
Jensen shrugs then tries to stifle a yawn. “I don’t know. My dad, he was a nice man, Jared. He wouldn’t have-“
Jared gets closer to Jensen until he can wrap his arm around his shoulders. “You were a kid. You were his fucking responsibility. Being gay isn’t a crime, you know that.”
“Yeah,” Jensen trails out, settling on his back with his head resting in the crook of Jared’s shoulder. “But dad, he said some other things, so maybe…”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Wait until you know the rest, you won’t be so eager to take my defense.”
Jared lets it go for the time being. Jensen is losing his battle against sleep. The bed is comfortable and warm. It feels good, having Jensen so close to him, and not in a sexual way. Jared still feels the same intense love for him -of course he does. If anything, it has only gotten more intense in the last twenty four hours- but right now he’s never been less interested in sex.
Jensen needs him, not in that way, maybe not ever, but somewhere along the lines, Jared has found out he’s okay with it.
“Sleep,” he whispers. “I’m here.”
Jensen closes his eyes and sleeps.
Chapter 7
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