Empty Spaces Chapter Two
Chapter 2
It takes three months for Jared to achieve what he’ll later refer to as his “taming Jensen Ackles” period. When he finds out that he’s crazy in love with the guy, probably somewhere between the fourth and sixth week of said taming, he knows he’s ready to endure being “just friend” with him for the rest of his life. That’s how quickly he gets attached.
It starts slowly. The first week, Jared just figures out how often Jensen works and how much a latte costs in a little pompous coffee shop with a French word in its name.
A lot. Jared has to cut off on his candy supplies.
As it turns out, Jensen works only three shifts a week -always Saturday and Sunday morning from nine to one, then Thursday or Friday nights from six to eleven.
The very first time Jared enters the coffee while Jensen works, he’s busy cleaning a table. When he notices him, the young man freezes again -but this time, it’s not in fear. There is surprise, and maybe Jared is just imagining things, but there seem to be some happiness too somewhere in the deep blush that creeps up his face and the smile quirking his lips as he lowers his eyes.
That’s a victory.
Jensen works quickly, in silence. He doesn’t take orders. He works the barista and cleans up the tables. He never looks at anyone in the eyes, even his boss, a sweet middle aged woman who always talks to him very gently. Her name is Angela and she befriends Jared after a couple of visits. She seems to have a soft spot for him, letting Jared under the impression it has something to do with the way he treats Jensen.
The first month, Jensen and Jared barely exchange a couple of words. Jensen blushes and stutters and becomes nervous around him, but he’s always eager to prepare his table or to greet him when Jared enters the coffee.
Then, toward the beginning of October, on a quiet Thursday night, Jared hears Angela telling Jensen to take a break and he jumps on the opportunity. Waving at him from his table close to the barista machine, Jared invites Jensen to sit with him. The young man bites his lips, then nods, pouring himself a glass of water before joining him.
He sits awkwardly and murmurs a “thank you.”
“Come on, we’re becoming friends, right?”
“We are?” Jensen asks, rising an eyebrow.
Jared smiles. “Well, the coffee here is good but why do you think I keep coming back?”
Something passes in Jensen’s eyes. He looks upset suddenly. “I… Jared, I… I’m with someone, you know.”
“I know. He’s freaking lucky if you ask me but hey, we still can be friends, right?”
Jensen nods, still unsure, but his tensed body seems to relax a little.
“So, what’s new?” Jared asks. “What are you up to these days?”
“Hum. Nothing. Nothing special.”
“Oh. Well, as for me, I’ve succeeded in keeping a goldfish alive for more than a month. That’s a personal record.
Half a smile is pulling on Jensen’s lips. He frowns. “What do you mean?”
“They kept on dying. Don’t know why. I would come back from work and they would be floating on their little fish bellies.”
“Oh. Maybe you fed them too much, or not enough?”
“I don’t know man, but this one, he’s in for the long haul, I can tell.”
Jensen is visibly trying to repress a larger smile, biting hard on his lower lip. “Does it have a name?”
“Yeah. Fuzzy Peach the Fourth.”
“What?” Jensen snorts despite himself.
“They’re the color of fuzzy peaches. You know the candies. Well, goldfishes. Fuzzy peaches color.”
“Kind of,” Jensen agrees, his eyes bright with amusement. “And the number, I guess it’s your fourth fish?”
“Bingo.”
Before Jared can add anything, Jensen has to get back to work when a group of four enters the coffee shop and all of them order lattes. Still, this is definitely a step forward. On Jared’s next visit, Jensen comes to sit with him for ten whole minutes. It becomes a habit.
It’s incredibly hard to make Jensen talk about himself. He gets defensive, starts to stutter and looks so upset Jared never presses the issue for long. Still, over the weeks, he manages to gather some information. Jensen is twenty years old and doesn’t have anyone. He’s from Portland. He’s been living with his boyfriend for four years. He was sixteen -a kid- Jared thinks, hiding his surprise. The boyfriend, Eric Johnson, is a doctor, which should put him at least in his late twenties. “He saved my life, literally,” Jensen whispers. “He took me in when I had nowhere to go.”
This relationship seems shady, at least, but Jensen doesn’t say anything else and changes the subject each time Jared tries to bring it up. Once, Jared asks to meet Eric. “Boyfriend of my friend should be my friend too,” he says clumsily.
This put Jensen in a great agitation state. His lower lip start shaking and he’s breathing deep and quick like he can’t get enough air. “Eric… he doesn’t… he’s not really interested in m-m-meeting my f-f-f… Damn it! My friends. I d-duh-“
“Hey whoa, it’s okay. I don’t have to meet him if you think it’s better this way.” Jared coaxes softly.
Jensen nods and excuses himself. When he comes out of the bathroom, his eyes are red, like he’s been crying. Jared feels like a jerk. The young man is still a mystery to him but he’s growing on him with an intensity Jared can’t really understand. Still, he can’t stand the thought of being the one responsible for making him cry. He doesn’t know what Jensen has been through exactly and guesses it will take some time before he begins to unravel it himself.
What Jared does know is that he’s fragile and vulnerable; anxious. At the same time, he’s always so eager to laugh at Jared’s lame jokes, seems perpetually surprised that Jared keeps coming back, keeps wanting his company like he wants to snatch every tiny piece of happiness he can get from life. It’s kind of heartbreaking.
Jared isn’t blind, though. There is much more to Jensen’s relationship with Eric Johnson than he lets Jared know. Jared has begun to suspect some form of abuse early on but what can he do? Jensen won’t talk about it, they don’t know each other well enough for Jared to ask frankly and Jensen doesn’t show any evident signs of abuse, physically. Knowing nothing about the situation and unable to meet Eric Johnson, all Jared can do is speculate for the time being. When he gets to know Jensen better, when the young man will open up himself a little more, Jared has the very firm intention to make sure he’s not in a situation where he’s suffering.
In the meantime, all Jared can do is worry about it.
::: :::
It’s mid-October when Genevieve figures out where Jared spends his weekends. On a quiet afternoon at the office, she starts asking questions and doesn’t let go until Jared has spilled everything. When he’s done, she remains silent for a long time, enough for Jared to blush under her gaze -he doesn’t even know why. Or maybe he does, maybe he’s been scared of what she would think of this.
“I figured you’d met someone,” Gen finally says. “But this… don’t you think it’s a bit fucked up, Jared?”
“Kind of. I guess.”
“The guy doesn’t think you’re some weirdo stalking him? Some kind of suicide watch?”
“Maybe in the beginning. Maybe he did. He’s lonely, Gen, and…”
She raises her hand in a soothing gesture. “Hey, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’m not judging. It’s just… I don’t want you to get hurt. He is with someone and according to you, he may be in some kind of trouble.”
“I know that.”
“Okay. But fuck, Jay, talk to me. I’m not your mother, I’m your friend.”
“Well,” Jared clears his throat and readjust his head phone set. “We’ve been working together for almost two years now, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And you never got to know me before I… I was a different guy when I arrived in Augusta. Told you about Ethan, right?
Gen nods. Ethan had been the reason Jared had chosen to start college here, so far from home. They were together for six month when Jared’s boyfriend decided to move here to get closer to his family. Jared was young and stupid and didn’t think life would ever be anything else than kind to him.
“It’s my fault. When my father couldn’t pay my college fund anymore I acted like my life was over. Ethan, he tried to encourage me. He’d help if I find a job and maybe I could’ve gotten a loan from the bank after a while. I was difficult. Didn’t want him to help me, thought I couldn’t do it and when I found a job here I dropped everything and decided that my college years were over, that my life would be like it is now forever. Of course Ethan split up with me. I was acting like a freaking kid throwing a temper tantrum. He said I had been spoon fed for too long and he was right.”
“It was hard for you, Jay.”
Jared shakes his head. “No, it wasn’t that hard. I acted like it was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me and now I realize I was selfish, stupid and lazy. It’s like… I fell asleep when I dropped out of college and never woke up. I don’t like my life, I keep complaining but I don’t do anything to change it. And the first time I met Jensen it’s… Fuck, don’t laugh.”
“I wouldn’t.”
“It’s like I felt like I was waking up and huh… I’m empty, Gen. I’m empty and Jensen fills some space and it feels good. I know he’s with someone but I can’t even care. When he smiles at me I don’t care about anything.”
Saying these words out loud is like realizing their true meaning for the first time and Jared is ridiculously close to tears. Gen smiles kindly at him and rubs his left arm.
“So I’m getting to know the real Jared right now?”
“I don’t know. I supposed the younger me was kind of stupid and took everything for granted. Maybe you wouldn’t have liked him.”
“I love every freaking Jared that can be living inside this head,” Genevieve laughs, pointing Jared’s temple. “You big wuss,” she adds with affection.
::: :::
The beginning of December brings a little snow in Augusta. Jared missed Jensen’s Thursday night shift to attend a stupid office party. He wakes up early Saturday morning, eager to see him again.
When Jensen walks in to the café to start his shift, Jared is already there, waiting. His mouth drops open and he has to think about it consciously for it to close.
Jensen’s cheeks are red from the cold and there are snowflakes in his hair, he shakes his feet near the door and rubs his hands together. He doesn’t have any gloves and the vest he’s wearing seems worn off, way too light for this kind of weather. Still, he’s stunning, and when he sees Jared, a smile lightens up his face.
Jared can’t wait for Jensen’s break and spends the next two hours watching him work, catching a shy smile each time Jensen looks in his direction.
When the young man finally sits in front of him, the smile widens.
“Wow. You’re in a good mood.”
“I love it when it’s snowing,” Jensen says, looking out the window. “When we were young, my friend Chris and I we used to…”
He stops as a shadow passes on his face.
“You what?”
“We would climb the small hill behind his house and slide on old cardboard boxes for hours. It was… fun.”
“Must have been. I sadly don’t have the same love as you for this cold white shit. Geez, I miss Texas.”
“Don’t be like this. Snow is fun,” Jensen protests forcefully, like Jared personally insulted him. It’s adorable.
“Meh.”
“Come on, walking under the snow when those huge flakes are falling…” Jensen coos.
He seems so engrossed by the idea that Jared acts on an impulse. “Well, show me. We should go for a walk after your shift is over… Or maybe a little later? They say it’s going to go on like this for most of the day.”
Jensen observes him under his lashes, biting his lower lip. The dreamy smile that was on his face slowly dies. “I… I can’t, I’m sorry.”
“Okay, no problems. Maybe another time?”
Jared does his best to hide his deception. It’s not the first time he’s trying to convince Jensen to do something with him but he’s always received the same negative response. Still, lately, there had been some visible regrets accompanying it and Jared has learned to be patient since he met the young man. Understanding how uneasy Jensen seems, Jared gives him the latest news about Fuzzy Peach the Fourth, exaggerating his adventures. Five minutes later, Jensen is hiding his mouth behind his hand, shaken by a fit of laughter. And that’s enough for Jared.
Later that afternoon, Jared is home, talking with his sister on Skype. Megan tells him their parents are doing okay so far. Jared’s mom has been promoted to head cashier, which is great since she won’t have to work for the minimum wage anymore. Still, it’s a shame that she and her husband both have to work long hours to meet month’s ends. Sherry has adjusted quickly to their new situation after the bankruptcy. Jared’s father… Not so much. Maybe because he feels personally responsible -like he has anything to do with a whole country going into recession. After he had to shut down his company, Gerry Padalecki had a rough time finding a new job and is now employed by a construction group, working on different sites sometimes up to 60 hours a week. He comes home tired and depressed. The laughing and proud father Jared used to know is gone forever, he sometimes think.
He’s about to end the conversation with Megan when his cell phone rings. He waves at her and ends the Skype connection, answering without looking who’s calling.
“Yes?”
“Hum…”
Jared is surprised to recognize Jensen’s voice, even though Jensen has his phone number. Jared had given it to him about a month after their first meeting, but he never used it before.
“Hey, Jensen?”
A long pause.
“Jense?”
“Yeah, hi.”
“Hi. You okay?”
“I was hum… I… you know what? It’s nothing I…”
“Hey. Whoa. Calm down,” Jared says very gently not to scare him off. “Just tell me why you called.”
Come on, he thinks. You can do it.
“The hum… The walk.”
“The what?”
“You wanted to take a walk and I said no but I changed my mind and yeah you’re probably busy doing something and I’m sorry if I-“
Jared smiles and stops Jensen before he chokes on his never ending sentence.
“That’s great. I’m ready. Want us to meet at your place?”
“No! Huh… Let’s… meet halfway. The Café, maybe?”
“Alright. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”
“Okay. I… You sure you wanna…”
Jared can practically hearJensen blushing.
“Yeah, I’m sure, Jensen. I was the one asking in the first place.”
“…Right.”
It is still snowing when Jared joins Jensen, small, lazy flakes that keep floating in the air like they won’t ever hit the ground. The temperature has lowered too. Jensen has added an old hoodie to his morning outfit under the vest and has his hands shoved in his pockets, which surely means he still doesn’t have gloves. Jared feels like a wuss with his hat and scarf and mittens and damn winter boots, like he’s ready to walk until he reaches the North Pole or something.
He changes his mind when he sees Jensen’s teeth chattering despite his smile.
“You cold?” He asks a little stupidly.
“M’alright,” Jensen shrugs. “Which direction?”
Jared looks around himself for a moment. “Well it’s your neighborhood, you choose.”
“East, to follow the river road,” Jensen says quickly. “If you want.” He adds, lowering his head.
“It’s perfect for me.”
They walk in silence, shoulder to shoulder, for the first few minutes. Jared takes deep breaths and tries to enjoy the snow as much as Jensen does, even if he keeps shaking from the cold.
“Look, come on, take my scarf, it’s ridiculous: you’re cold and I’m way too dressed,” Jared insist after a while.
Before Jensen can refuse, Jared is wrapping his knitted scarf around his neck. The young man doesn’t move, tensed, jaw clenched, and Jared figures it must be from the shyness.
“I… thanks.”
“You look good in it.”
Jensen shakes his head and starts walking again. He doesn’t look like he’s enjoying himself anymore. Jared wonders if the scarf has been a mistake and doesn’t know how to get him back in a more cheerful mood. He’s still pondering what’s the best thing to do when Jensen begins to walk a little quicker, frowning.
“Why are you doing this?” He asks without looking at Jared.
His voice is still soft but there’s an hint of disenchantment in it.
“What? Lending you my scarf?”
Jensen’s frown deepens. “You know what I mean. Being my friend and…”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Don’t… Don’t make me say it. I’m… I can’t give anything back.”
It’s like someone else is talking with the voice of Jensen, someone older, who’s seen and has been through too many things “You are giving back,” Jared murmurs.
“I’m not gonna kill myself, if that’s what you’re worrying about.” Jensen all but spits.
Jared knows he’s walking a thin line here. He chooses his words carefully. “Well, good to know. But I’m not some kind of savior, that’s not why I keep going back to the café.”
“Then why?”
“Hum…” Jared smiles to himself, a little embarrassed. “Because you’re so damn gorgeous when you laugh. And you’re kind, and sweet… And I’m lonely, and when I see you I don’t feel that lonely anymore.”
“Jared-“
“I know you’re with someone and I would never try anything, but it’s more than a freaking crush. I don’t know, man. I want us to be friend. I feel good, feel fucking alive when you’re around.”
Jensen snorts and bites his lips. His features relax slowly. He turns his head and smile, his eyes searching Jared’s ones.
“Okay, then,” he says, not a hint of the previous roughness in his voice anymore. “Okay.”
And a sweet warmness invades Jared’s chest. He feels young and vibrating with energy, crazy… high and drunk on the other’s man presence next to him.
Jensen is right, the snow falling is beautiful. Jared doesn’t know how he missed it before.
::: :::
It’s almost four in the afternoon when Jared and him part in front of the café. Jensen knows Eric won’t be back home until after six but he keeps up a good pace, nervous but still smiling like the idiot it is.
What he’s doing, it doesn’t hurt anyone. He’s making a new friend, that’s all there is to it.
Eric doesn’t have to know. If he knew, he wouldn’t understand how sweet and inoffensive Jared is. Eric keeps saying Jensen can’t be trusted. He’s too fragile, too emotional to have a good instinct about those things. That’s how Jensen found himself on the streets four years ago, after all.
Eric doesn’t want Jensen to see other people because he can’t always be there to protect him. It took him three years before he allowed Jensen to find a job and even then, he’d made the search himself and met Angela at the Café even before Jensen could go on with his interview. He had not allowed more than fifteen hours a week and given instruction to Jensen to focus on the job and not to try and be friendly with the patrons.
Not because his boyfriend is a bad person, but because he doesn’t want Jensen to be misled or abused by anyone.
Jensen gets it. He’s not worth all the time and energy Eric is giving to him. He’s vulnerable, unable to care for himself. He’d be dead if Eric hadn’t been the one working at the E.R. the night he overdosed.
Still, from the beginning, Jensen hadn’t been able to stay away from Jared. He’s not in love with him -he doesn’t really know what love is about, Eric had told him numerous times. He’s a fool, ready to fall for the first person giving him some attention.
Like the little attention whore you are. You don’t realize it, love, but you are. I can see it. Only I can see you for who you really are.
Jensen knows he hasn’t done anything to get Jared’s attention -not after the wrong number humiliation anyway- and he doesn’t want it to end, the thing they have, how good it feels inside when he sees him, how everything seems brighter, less painful, when Jared is there.
It’s a secret. A precious secret. A giant secret with long hair and dimples and eyes like the sun is shining through them.
Jensen blushes at his own thoughts. He’s not a good person, Eric is right. He tried to follow the rules but he couldn’t resist in the end. When he’d call Jared this afternoon, he’d felt dirty and wrong but at the same time, the need to do this, to spend some time alone with Jared, couldn’t keep him away.
Eric doesn’t have to know.
Walking up Exeter Road, Jensen doesn’t have to wait long before he sees Eric’s Volvo parked in their alley.
Jensen stops walking so suddenly he almost falls forward, tripping on his own feet. He tries to suck a breath in but it’s getting caught in his throat, swelling painfully.
Of course. Of course Eric would be home early. How did Jensen even allowed himself to think he could keep his secret.
And now there will be hell to pay. There always is.
He doesn’t have to know, a small voice rises up in Jensen’ head. You just went out for a walk. That’s all there is to it. Eric knows how much you love it when it’s snowing. Just behave normally and everything will be fine. Your secret will be safe.
Bracing himself, Jensen walks up the rest of the way at a normal pace. His hands are shaking. He shoves them in his pocket and tries to keep a calm composure even if his heat is hammering in his chest so hard it hurts.
Eric has just arrived home. He’s still in the lobby, taking his shoes off. He smiles at Jensen when the young man steps inside and closes the door behind him.
“I knew you wouldn’t resist the temptation to be outside by this weather,” he tells Jensen, kissing his forehead.
“Yeah I… went for a walk,” Jensen murmurs, lowering his eyes. Eric doesn’t like it when Jensen stares.
He bends down to take off his wet sneakers, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he’ll be able to pull this off.
When he straightens up, he finds himself face to face with Eric, their nose almost brushing. Eric smiles softly.
“Love?”
“Yeah?”
Something… Something’s off. Jensen can’t figure out what exactly, doesn’t even have the time to panic because Eric’s bending his head toward him and murmuring in his hear. “Who’s scarf is this?”
Chapter 3
--- ---