[tvd - stefan/elena] everything to ashes (1/1)
Everything to Ashes
By: White Rain
Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries.
Genre: Giving Stefan a narrative
Character/Pairing: Stefan/Elena, Damon/Stefan, ensemble cameos
Word Count: 4848
Rating: NC-17
Warnings/Contains: Abuse, fire, incestuous overtones, rape
Notes: For softly_me. Stefan, Wanna make a monster? Take the parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable - your weaknesses, bad thoughts, vanities, and hungers - and pretend they're across the room.
Summary: Stefan promised Elena he was hers. She makes sure he keeps it.
-
Damon waited until Stefan failed to find a way to stop Elena from transitioning before truly lashing out.
He bid Stefan to follow him into the backyard of the Boarding House with a crook of his index finger. Stefan was exhausted, so he didn't bother to put up even token resistance.
"I don't want to wreck the furniture," Damon said. His tone was light but his face was dark.
Stefan was in luck. For once, Damon didn't seem to want him to fight back so Stefan was able to just simply endure the beating.
Stefan was tired of fighting.
-
The next morning, just before dawn, Stefan woke up in the lawn. The grass itched and against his skin was a thin layer of dew. His clothes were in shambles and stained with blood. He walked inside, past his brother, nursing a drink, up the stairs and into his room. He changed into fresh clothes and got a match out of his desk. Then, with his ruined clothes in hand, he walked back outside and lit the match.
As he watched the clothing burn, he thought about just letting the flame spread and turn everything around him into ashes.
He put out the fire when it was done with his clothing and turned around and went back inside.
-
Stefan told Damon he would regret his choice at the bottom of the river for the rest of his life. What he didn't tell his brother, however, was that if he could turn back time and go back to that moment, he would have made the same exact choice.
-
Elena tried to sleep in her room. She tried to sleep in Stefan's bed. She tried to sleep on Jeremy's floor with a sleeping bag. She tried to sleep on her couch with Jenna's favorite blanket. She tried to sleep burrowed under Caroline's covers. She tried to sleep in Bonnie's arms. She tried to sleep next to Matt while she listened to his steady heartbeat. Stefan even took her to the lake house and she tried to sleep in every inch of the cabin.
In the end, Stefan bought her a small house miles away from any other building and she was finally able to fall asleep in a new bed in a new room with Stefan lying beneath her, his fingers stroking her hair.
-
Caroline decorated the new house with Tyler and Matt as her minions. Bonnie laced it with protection spells. Jeremy left some blank sketch pads and a few change of clothes in the spare room he hadn't accepted as his own and when Bonnie and Caroline helped Elena shop in order to start making a new wardrobe, he left an old Vulpix doll on her bed.
Damon didn't bother to even show up for the housewarming party Caroline insisted was necessary. Stefan was relieved but Elena was hurt so he held her and reassured in whispers that he'd come around, eventually.
He thought about fire as she cried in his arms.
-
"Do you think my dad would come back to life in order to strangle me if I dropped out of school?"
Stefan watched as Elena pulled on a brand new pair of jeans. Her hands shook as she pulled her hair up into a ponytail. When her back tensed like she was about to cry as she stared at the new shirts in her closet, he got off their bed and set his hands on her hips. He pressed a kiss on her shoulder and she leaned into him. "I don't think we'd be that lucky."
Elena laughed.
"It's okay if you want to," Stefan said, "you could get a GED or wait until you're feeling better to finish up at a new high school."
"Or not bother at all," Elena said. She took a deep breath and picked a top at random. "Which would be a great message to send to Jeremy." She turned around, grabbed his face and pulled him down for a quick kiss.
"I'll do your homework," Stefan said, grinning into her lips and rubbing his hands up and down her arms.
A mistake.
Elena dug her nails into his cheeks and pierced the skin. As blood slipped down his face, he stared at the cold anger in her eyes and swallowed as she said, "That was never in question."
He knew she'd been spending the last few days as her family and friends rebuilt her life trying to figure out where she wanted to go next. And now she decided what she wanted. Control.
With relief, he took a deep breath and folded his hands behind his back, body open and ready for any necessary rebuke, as his father had taught him. "It's your choice."
"Clean up and met me in the car," Elena said.
Stefan walked into her bathroom.
-
"Go home," Elena said when the final bell rang.
"I'll wait for you," Stefan said and pressed a kiss on her forehead when he saw Caroline walking up to them.
Stefan felt a surge of warmth flow through his body when Elena squeezed his shoulder gently before handing him her backpack.
Stefan had always been a good student.
-
When Stefan got to her house, he set both his and Elena's bags on the table. He did Elena's homework. He did his own homework. He walked over to the refrigerator and took out a blood bag. Then, he hesitated.
He should ask Elena what she wanted him to eat.
He put the blood bag back on the shelf.
Stefan went into Elena's room, took out his diary, sat on her bed and wrote about how Elena's wrists felt under his hands when he had been too weak to put more effort into pushing her away like he should have as he waited for her to return.
-
Around nightfall, Stefan heard Elena walk into the house and to the refrigerator. Stefan closed his diary and shoved it into the nightstand next to his side of her bed that she allowed him.
When she walked into the bedroom, she was carrying a mug of blood. Stefan lowered his head to hide the fact he was licking his lips at the scent of blood consuming her room.
"You didn't eat," Elena said as she sat down next to him and set the mug on her nightstand. "Why not?"
"I think you know," Stefan said.
"Look at me," Elena said and Stefan did, "and tell me."
"You made it clear where we stand this morning," Stefan said.
Elena grabbed the mug and took a long drink. Stefan wanted to push her down, crawl all over her and lick up the blood from her mouth. He kept still. "And you took that to mean that I'm going to starve you?"
"The only thing I took was that I shouldn't take anything for granted," Stefan said. He'd thought Elena had wanted him soft and gentle, lying open before her to take comfort in. But maybe she wanted him as a punching bag when they were alone instead. Or both. He didn't know for sure.
Elena drained the last of the blood. "You said I have you." She set the mug down on the nightstand hard enough to shatter it. "This, right here, is the only out I'm going to give you."
"You have me," Stefan said, making his voice steady.
Elena shoved him down. She took his wrists and pinned them above his head. He stared at her unblinking eyes as she leaned down so that their faces were a hair away from touching. "If you try and walk away, I will lock you down and leave you to rot." She crushed his bones in his wrists and kept her grip tight with inhuman strength so that he couldn't heal.
Stefan clenched his jaw and then bit his lips in order to hold in his cries. But the constant sharp pain reverberating through his body and her cold gaze quickly broke his resolve.
"Damon won't rescue you," Elena continued through Stefan's hoarse gasps, "Lexi won't fix you. Klaus won't give you an easy out. Katherine won't be around to help you keep up your defenses." She relaxed her hold and Stefan's body would have slumped in relief if she hadn't been leaning down to press her lips against his ear. "And, after at least a year of starvation and hallucinations, when you can't lift up your own arms even if they weren't chained down, I will come to you and really start punishing you."
Stefan closed his eyes tightly. His mouth was dry and throat was sore but his voice didn't break when he said, "You have me."
Elena sealed him with a kiss then pushed him to the ground. "If you want human blood or to sleep in my bed, you'll have to earn it."
Stefan was content to sleep on the floor and was sure he could handle living off of animal blood for the rest of his life if he just worked hard enough at it, but the thought of disappointing her made him feel like all the air had been sucked out of his lungs.
He curled up and vowed to try.
-
That night, Stefan dreamed he was staring at a house on fire like it was a person bleeding from the neck. He started to walk toward it but his arm was grabbed and he was thrown on the dirt. Then he was looking up to Damon. He felt dazed when his brother bent his head down to feed from him.
-
As Elena covered up the dark circles with expertly applied makeup, Stefan watched her and wished he could wrap his arms around her. He wished that she would melt into his arms in order to regain the strength she needed. He wished he could love her.
"You should use me," Stefan said from the floor after she stared in the mirror for nearly an hour without moving.
"I am," Elena said, voice tart and sharp.
"You shouldn't harm yourself just to punish me," Stefan clarified.
Elena turned around. "Are you giving me tips?"
"I just don't want you to suffer," Stefan said. He lifted his head slightly. "You're tired."
"I'm always tired," Elena said and she strode over to Stefan and knelt down. She set her palm on the side of his face. In the same flirty tone he fell in love with, she asked, "What do you propose I do instead, Mr. Salvatore?"
Stefan hadn't thought Elena would ask for his opinion so he didn't have any idea how to answer that. But she was looking at him like she was expecting an answer so he said the first thing that came to his mind, "Ground me?"
"You'd enjoy that," Elena said, lips quirking into a smile, "holed up in here and brooding all day."
"Ban me from brooding?" Stefan said.
Her eyes were sparkling when she pushed him onto his back and climbed over him. He arched into her, needing to feel her everywhere in order to face the next second. "I think I'd rather ban you from wearing clothing." Stefan tilted his head to the side as she kissed up the line of his neck. "Make it easier for me to spank you."
"And you could make it hurt," Stefan said and his eyes slipped close when she began to nibble on his earlobe.
She hummed in agreement and pinned his shoulders down. "Stay right here," Elena said, spreading his legs with hers, "and maybe you can earn my bed again."
The only thing Stefan could think to say when Elena moved her hands down to peel off his underwear was, "Please."
-
The next night, sex with Elena hurt. From the way she held him down and didn't care if he struggled, squirmed or froze or if his cries were soft or loud, he knew she didn't want anything from him beside his body.
-
He dreamt of Damon feeding on him again. They were at the creek where they played as children and Stefan's head was thrown back and his hair was mingling in the mud as Damon held him down and tore into Stefan's neck like he was the one who was the ripper.
-
"Is that Damon?" Elena asked when Stefan's phone rang.
"Yes."
"Press ignore."
Stefan kept his eyes on hers as he obeyed with shaking fingers.
"If he wants to talk to you, he'll have to go through me," Elena said.
Stefan swallowed his protests before they rose in his throat and looked down to stare at his phone.
-
Every couple of days, when Stefan was alone in her house, he would stand in front of the open refrigerator and stare at the bags of human blood. His mouth would water and his stomach would growl and he would think about the look of horror in Elena's eyes as he stared at his blood marking his face. How he had pressed his foot on the gas and thought about driving her off the bridge even though Klaus had given into his demand.
He'd wanted Klaus to think he was bluffing until the moment Elena's heart stopped beating.
He'd wanted everything to finally fucking end.
He should never want anything again.
-
Stefan dreamt he was at a bar with Damon. They were playing a drinking game. Stefan was drinking bourbon and Damon was drinking Stefan. Everything felt right until he woke up.
-
Stefan spent the next two weeks eating little, going to school, doing homework Elena assigned him, cleaning her house when she decided to send him home or spending the afternoons in the park or at the mall with Caroline and Bonnie when she decided to keep him with her, and spending the nights beneath her as they slept.
-
Once, when Stefan was tipsy and brave, he told Lexi that he liked it when he was on lockdown. She looked almost horrified so he grabbed her hands and shook his head. "Not the pain," he explained, because he knew it was wrong to feel safe dressed in chains and soaked in blood, "being with you."
She shook her head and her smile made him feel whole. She kissed his hair and nudged him to lie his head in her lap. "Just enjoy the movie, already, birthday boy."
-
Stefan had been mentally plotting out an essay on South Korea's economic growth in the past sixty years for Elena's social studies class when he walked into her room with their backpacks to find Damon lounging on her bed with the Vulpix doll in his lap.
"What are you doing here?" Stefan asked, dropping the bags on the floor next to the desk.
Damon crooked his finger and patted on the bed next to him. Stefan folded his arms and buried the desire to heed him. "I'm just checking up on my little brother."
"I'm fine," Stefan said, "so you can leave now."
Damon moved and then he was right in front of Stefan with both of his hands on Stefan's shoulders. Unwillingly, Stefan found himself relaxing a little under his strong palms. "Come on, we haven't done anything together in almost a month."
Stefan knew he should push away from his brother. "You made it clear where you stood with me, brother."
"Just because I'll never forgive you for being an idiot and getting Elena killed doesn't mean I kicked you out of the house," Damon said, sounding so reasonable that Stefan couldn't help but hope the beating was all the punishment Damon was going to dole out. Damon jerked his head to the door. "It's time to go home, Stef."
Okay was on the tip of his tongue, but his promise to Elena was branded on every inch of his body. "I can't."
"Come on," Damon said with a smile shaped like a smirk, "your room is getting dusty and all the ridiculous whole grain bread you buy has started to get moldy."
"I can't," Stefan repeated, "and you need to leave."
Damon curled his fingers in Stefan's shoulders and jerked him forward. "Why?"
"You hurt Elena," Stefan said and hoped Damon would, for once in his life, actually listen to what Stefan was saying, "and you need to make it up to her."
Damon's eyes flashed as he grabbed Stefan's throat with one hand. "Do I need to break your neck?" He shoved Stefan against the wall and leaned to Stefan's ear. "Because I'm done asking you."
Stefan tried to push Damon away, but Damon just pressed his body fully against Stefan's, cut off Stefan's air supply with a twitch of his hand, and stared Stefan down. Stefan knew he should stop struggling in order calm Damon down enough to reason with him, but it was the rage shaping Damon's face that made Stefan freeze in shame.
"I promised Elena I would stay here," Stefan said, sounding almost as weak as he felt when Damon loosened his hold but did not remove his hand on his throat.
"Don't worry about that," Damon said, almost gentle, "I'm not giving you a choice."
Before Stefan could reply, Damon snapped his neck.
-
Stefan woke up on his brother's bed to the sound of Elena and Damon shouting. From the library, he guessed, from the volume of their voices and how Damon spent much of his time in there drinking when he was miserable.
Stefan did not allow himself to bury his face in Damon's pillow and find comfort in hiding under the covers, under Damon's protection.
He'd promised Elena.
So he crept out of Damon's room and home and returned as fast as he could to Elena's house. Hands trembling, he texted Elena in order to inform her he was back at the house.
-
An hour later, Elena walked into the room and the first thing Stefan said was, "I'm sorry."
She stared at him, sitting on the floor, and folded her arms. "Get on the bed."
Stefan did. She walked up to him and set her hands on his shoulders. "Tell me what you did wrong."
"I left without your permission," Stefan said.
Elena pushed down on his shoulders. It didn't hurt much, but it served to remind Stefan of his place with her. "Damon knocked you out. You didn't have a choice." She leaned down and he could see nothing but her. "What did you do wrong?"
"I should have left or called you when I saw him," Stefan said.
"What would Damon have done if you tried that?"
"He would have stopped me," Stefan responded before he thought it.
"Good," Elena said with a nod, "what did you do wrong?"
Stefan looked up at her, helpless.
She moved her hands up and down his arms, an act of comfort. Her face was of the monster he made her, "Nothing. You did nothing wrong."
Stefan nodded then looked down. "What should I do about Damon, then?"
"I'll take care of Damon," Elena's hands suddenly felt safe and then they weren't when she continued, "all you have to do is give up on being with him."
Stefan almost laughed. All he had to do. "I'm yours," he said, dully, and his head fell against her abdomen. He squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could as she began to rub his back.
-
That night, as Elena slept atop him and he stroked her hair, Stefan thought about how his father needed to whip him regularly and how he would try to grit his teeth and bare it quietly like Damon did but wouldn't be able to. Because each lick was a blaze of disappointment and he could do nothing to make up for his mistakes. The only thing he could do was stay still, as required, and cry until his father decided his point had been made.
-
One night, Katherine had kissed up the bruises his father gave him and he wondered if she ever missed getting marks from her parents. Sometimes he couldn't stop thinking about how she lost her family to fire in a place that should have been safe. Home.
A few days later, after she'd made him ask her through compulsion, she pressed him down on the bed and set her lips on his. "It's not something I can afford to do."
He thought that meant yes, but Katherine liked him quiet save for her name whimpered when she had him on his back between her legs, so he didn't get to ask.
-
After the tenth straight day of endless texts from Damon, Stefan gave Elena his phone. "I think I'll need a new one."
Elena turned around on the bed in order to face Stefan, arm curled around the Vulpix doll, took the phone and crushed it. "We'll replace it tomorrow."
"That'll probably only help for a few days," Stefan said.
Elena crawled on top of him, pressing the doll between their chests. She nestled her head against his neck. Stefan began to stroke her hair as she closed her eyes. "He'll just have to get over it."
-
He dreamt of Damon making him feed on a human and forcing him to stop before he could possibly get full by throwing him on the ground. He pressed his body fully against Stefan's and sunk his fangs into Stefan's shoulder. When Stefan started to scream, he woke up in silence.
-
When Elena stormed in the house only a few hours after she'd sent him away after school, Stefan knew the day wasn't going to end well.
Her face was red, like she'd been crying. She sat down on the desk chair for exactly a minute before getting up and pacing. Then she plopped down on the bed and grabbed the Vulpix doll and stared at it for a little while before dropping it on the bed and pacing some more.
"Elena," Stefan said, standing up and walking over her to put his hands on her face. "What's wrong?"
Elena pushed him down on the bed and fell down on top of him. She kissed him like she was trying to devour him whole. Stefan set his hands on her face and gently, but mostly carefully, pulled her away. "Please, Elena, talk to me."
She grabbed his wrists and pinned them to the bed. "I didn't say you could talk."
Stefan's first thought was to keep his mouth shut until she ordered otherwise. But she looked so close to crying that he had to swallow it down. "Please don't shut me out."
Elena stood up, pulling Stefan with her. Then she hit his face with the back of her hand hard enough to make the bones in his face shatter. He heard it before he felt it. "Look at your watch." Stefan did. Five o'clock. "Don't drink any blood at all until at least seventy-two hours have passed."
The bones weren't healing very well. It was his own fault, he should have been hunting more. He swallowed and cradled his face as he watched her gather up her purse and coat. "Don't leave this room," she ordered, "don't write in your diary." She was in front of him and she knocked his hand away from his face. She slapped the injury to reinforce the sting. "Just think about how disappointing you are."
"I will," Stefan said through his broken jaw.
She walked away and he curled his legs up to his chest and thought.
-
With Klaus, Stefan was a poor student. For the first two weeks, everything he said, everything he did, and even how he killed was incorrect. Klaus would end up breaking a bone or two before shoving Stefan on his knees and towering over and drilling him until he was satisfied that Stefan understood that he was just one thing: wrong.
When Stefan finally said to a question, "I don't know," Klaus grinned and pulled Stefan off his knees, in front of him. Stefan had swallowed.
"Now we're getting somewhere," Klaus said and pushed some sweaty hair out of Stefan's face, behind his ear.
Stefan tried not to hope.
-
After the final bell rang, Elena grabbed Stefan's arm and he flinched. But he didn't pull away. He kept his gaze down as followed her out of the school.
Damon was waiting for them.
"Go," Elena said.
As Stefan obeyed, he could feel Damon's eyes burning into him.
-
"Are you going to ask about Damon?" Elena asked.
Stefan remembered the bones she broke, the disappointment he caused, and the fact he wasn't allowed to eat for fifty more hours. "No."
"Good," Elena said and Stefan found himself smiling a little. She guided him onto his back on soft blankets and pillows. She straddled his hips and cupped his face before leaning down to give him a firm kiss. She pierced her wrist with her fingernail and pressed it against his mouth. "You're still restricted from blood for two more days, but you earned this."
Stefan grabbed hold of her arm with both hands buried his teeth into her veins. Her blood poured into his mouth and it tasted perfect. He closed his eyes and dug his fingers into her skin and fed and bucked against her and fed and thought that if he could just have a few more mouthfuls he'd be sated for the first time in a hundred and sixty three years.
"That's enough," Elena said, too soon. But Stefan withdrew his fangs and looked up at her as she stroked his hair and bent down to kiss his forehead.
Elena moved her hands down and Stefan opened himself up for her. Hesitant, aware she'd break his fingers if it was the wrong move, he reached up under her shirt and unclipped her bra. She grinned and kissed him with open lips. He pulled her down over him. He needed more than her teeth and tongue mapping his mouth.
When she paused for breath he nuzzled her neck with the top of his head and she laughed breathlessly and tore off his clothes with one swift move. He pulled down her panties as she pulled up her skirt and she pushed down on him.
He felt warm and loved and thought he might do anything to earn her like this again.
-
They were in their old home and it was on fire. Damon was draining the life from him with his fangs and need as the flames began to dance across Stefan's skin. One or the other would kill him; the only question was which. He thought he'd prefer it be Damon, would like for his last sensation to be blanketed by his brother, who was burrowing inside of him.
-
Before Stefan could find out if died by Damon's hands or the burn of a flame, Elena shook him awake. "Pack. We're leaving." Dazed and confused by what was happening, Stefan still did as he was told. Elena watched him put what they needed into their backpacks, because Elena hadn't bought suitcases yet. When he picked up the Vulpix doll Elena shook her head. "Drop it."
There was no more confusion. Elena had lost Jeremy.
"Come on," she said when he was done and he followed her out of the house and into a car she'd bought one day when Stefan was confided in her house.
He thought about asking about Damon. But he knew what her answer would be. So he shoved the backpacks into the back seat without a word.
-
When Elena slid into the driver's seat Stefan found he wasn't able move into the passenger's seat, where he belonged. With a loud sigh, she got out of the car and slammed the door. "What is it?"
"Damon," Stefan said, "please let me say goodbye."
For a moment, Stefan thought she'd say no. But she was better than him so she nodded. "You have exactly ten minutes."
Stefan didn't waste time thanking her.
-
Stefan got a matchbox box out of his desk. One by one, he lit each one of them and dropped them on the ground. For about five minutes, he watched the fire destroy every memory he'd ever wanted to keep.
-
With that done, made only of ashes and promises, Stefan returned to Elena.
By: White Rain
Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries.
Genre: Giving Stefan a narrative
Character/Pairing: Stefan/Elena, Damon/Stefan, ensemble cameos
Word Count: 4848
Rating: NC-17
Warnings/Contains: Abuse, fire, incestuous overtones, rape
Notes: For softly_me. Stefan, Wanna make a monster? Take the parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable - your weaknesses, bad thoughts, vanities, and hungers - and pretend they're across the room.
Summary: Stefan promised Elena he was hers. She makes sure he keeps it.
-
Damon waited until Stefan failed to find a way to stop Elena from transitioning before truly lashing out.
He bid Stefan to follow him into the backyard of the Boarding House with a crook of his index finger. Stefan was exhausted, so he didn't bother to put up even token resistance.
"I don't want to wreck the furniture," Damon said. His tone was light but his face was dark.
Stefan was in luck. For once, Damon didn't seem to want him to fight back so Stefan was able to just simply endure the beating.
Stefan was tired of fighting.
-
The next morning, just before dawn, Stefan woke up in the lawn. The grass itched and against his skin was a thin layer of dew. His clothes were in shambles and stained with blood. He walked inside, past his brother, nursing a drink, up the stairs and into his room. He changed into fresh clothes and got a match out of his desk. Then, with his ruined clothes in hand, he walked back outside and lit the match.
As he watched the clothing burn, he thought about just letting the flame spread and turn everything around him into ashes.
He put out the fire when it was done with his clothing and turned around and went back inside.
-
Stefan told Damon he would regret his choice at the bottom of the river for the rest of his life. What he didn't tell his brother, however, was that if he could turn back time and go back to that moment, he would have made the same exact choice.
-
Elena tried to sleep in her room. She tried to sleep in Stefan's bed. She tried to sleep on Jeremy's floor with a sleeping bag. She tried to sleep on her couch with Jenna's favorite blanket. She tried to sleep burrowed under Caroline's covers. She tried to sleep in Bonnie's arms. She tried to sleep next to Matt while she listened to his steady heartbeat. Stefan even took her to the lake house and she tried to sleep in every inch of the cabin.
In the end, Stefan bought her a small house miles away from any other building and she was finally able to fall asleep in a new bed in a new room with Stefan lying beneath her, his fingers stroking her hair.
-
Caroline decorated the new house with Tyler and Matt as her minions. Bonnie laced it with protection spells. Jeremy left some blank sketch pads and a few change of clothes in the spare room he hadn't accepted as his own and when Bonnie and Caroline helped Elena shop in order to start making a new wardrobe, he left an old Vulpix doll on her bed.
Damon didn't bother to even show up for the housewarming party Caroline insisted was necessary. Stefan was relieved but Elena was hurt so he held her and reassured in whispers that he'd come around, eventually.
He thought about fire as she cried in his arms.
-
"Do you think my dad would come back to life in order to strangle me if I dropped out of school?"
Stefan watched as Elena pulled on a brand new pair of jeans. Her hands shook as she pulled her hair up into a ponytail. When her back tensed like she was about to cry as she stared at the new shirts in her closet, he got off their bed and set his hands on her hips. He pressed a kiss on her shoulder and she leaned into him. "I don't think we'd be that lucky."
Elena laughed.
"It's okay if you want to," Stefan said, "you could get a GED or wait until you're feeling better to finish up at a new high school."
"Or not bother at all," Elena said. She took a deep breath and picked a top at random. "Which would be a great message to send to Jeremy." She turned around, grabbed his face and pulled him down for a quick kiss.
"I'll do your homework," Stefan said, grinning into her lips and rubbing his hands up and down her arms.
A mistake.
Elena dug her nails into his cheeks and pierced the skin. As blood slipped down his face, he stared at the cold anger in her eyes and swallowed as she said, "That was never in question."
He knew she'd been spending the last few days as her family and friends rebuilt her life trying to figure out where she wanted to go next. And now she decided what she wanted. Control.
With relief, he took a deep breath and folded his hands behind his back, body open and ready for any necessary rebuke, as his father had taught him. "It's your choice."
"Clean up and met me in the car," Elena said.
Stefan walked into her bathroom.
-
"Go home," Elena said when the final bell rang.
"I'll wait for you," Stefan said and pressed a kiss on her forehead when he saw Caroline walking up to them.
Stefan felt a surge of warmth flow through his body when Elena squeezed his shoulder gently before handing him her backpack.
Stefan had always been a good student.
-
When Stefan got to her house, he set both his and Elena's bags on the table. He did Elena's homework. He did his own homework. He walked over to the refrigerator and took out a blood bag. Then, he hesitated.
He should ask Elena what she wanted him to eat.
He put the blood bag back on the shelf.
Stefan went into Elena's room, took out his diary, sat on her bed and wrote about how Elena's wrists felt under his hands when he had been too weak to put more effort into pushing her away like he should have as he waited for her to return.
-
Around nightfall, Stefan heard Elena walk into the house and to the refrigerator. Stefan closed his diary and shoved it into the nightstand next to his side of her bed that she allowed him.
When she walked into the bedroom, she was carrying a mug of blood. Stefan lowered his head to hide the fact he was licking his lips at the scent of blood consuming her room.
"You didn't eat," Elena said as she sat down next to him and set the mug on her nightstand. "Why not?"
"I think you know," Stefan said.
"Look at me," Elena said and Stefan did, "and tell me."
"You made it clear where we stand this morning," Stefan said.
Elena grabbed the mug and took a long drink. Stefan wanted to push her down, crawl all over her and lick up the blood from her mouth. He kept still. "And you took that to mean that I'm going to starve you?"
"The only thing I took was that I shouldn't take anything for granted," Stefan said. He'd thought Elena had wanted him soft and gentle, lying open before her to take comfort in. But maybe she wanted him as a punching bag when they were alone instead. Or both. He didn't know for sure.
Elena drained the last of the blood. "You said I have you." She set the mug down on the nightstand hard enough to shatter it. "This, right here, is the only out I'm going to give you."
"You have me," Stefan said, making his voice steady.
Elena shoved him down. She took his wrists and pinned them above his head. He stared at her unblinking eyes as she leaned down so that their faces were a hair away from touching. "If you try and walk away, I will lock you down and leave you to rot." She crushed his bones in his wrists and kept her grip tight with inhuman strength so that he couldn't heal.
Stefan clenched his jaw and then bit his lips in order to hold in his cries. But the constant sharp pain reverberating through his body and her cold gaze quickly broke his resolve.
"Damon won't rescue you," Elena continued through Stefan's hoarse gasps, "Lexi won't fix you. Klaus won't give you an easy out. Katherine won't be around to help you keep up your defenses." She relaxed her hold and Stefan's body would have slumped in relief if she hadn't been leaning down to press her lips against his ear. "And, after at least a year of starvation and hallucinations, when you can't lift up your own arms even if they weren't chained down, I will come to you and really start punishing you."
Stefan closed his eyes tightly. His mouth was dry and throat was sore but his voice didn't break when he said, "You have me."
Elena sealed him with a kiss then pushed him to the ground. "If you want human blood or to sleep in my bed, you'll have to earn it."
Stefan was content to sleep on the floor and was sure he could handle living off of animal blood for the rest of his life if he just worked hard enough at it, but the thought of disappointing her made him feel like all the air had been sucked out of his lungs.
He curled up and vowed to try.
-
That night, Stefan dreamed he was staring at a house on fire like it was a person bleeding from the neck. He started to walk toward it but his arm was grabbed and he was thrown on the dirt. Then he was looking up to Damon. He felt dazed when his brother bent his head down to feed from him.
-
As Elena covered up the dark circles with expertly applied makeup, Stefan watched her and wished he could wrap his arms around her. He wished that she would melt into his arms in order to regain the strength she needed. He wished he could love her.
"You should use me," Stefan said from the floor after she stared in the mirror for nearly an hour without moving.
"I am," Elena said, voice tart and sharp.
"You shouldn't harm yourself just to punish me," Stefan clarified.
Elena turned around. "Are you giving me tips?"
"I just don't want you to suffer," Stefan said. He lifted his head slightly. "You're tired."
"I'm always tired," Elena said and she strode over to Stefan and knelt down. She set her palm on the side of his face. In the same flirty tone he fell in love with, she asked, "What do you propose I do instead, Mr. Salvatore?"
Stefan hadn't thought Elena would ask for his opinion so he didn't have any idea how to answer that. But she was looking at him like she was expecting an answer so he said the first thing that came to his mind, "Ground me?"
"You'd enjoy that," Elena said, lips quirking into a smile, "holed up in here and brooding all day."
"Ban me from brooding?" Stefan said.
Her eyes were sparkling when she pushed him onto his back and climbed over him. He arched into her, needing to feel her everywhere in order to face the next second. "I think I'd rather ban you from wearing clothing." Stefan tilted his head to the side as she kissed up the line of his neck. "Make it easier for me to spank you."
"And you could make it hurt," Stefan said and his eyes slipped close when she began to nibble on his earlobe.
She hummed in agreement and pinned his shoulders down. "Stay right here," Elena said, spreading his legs with hers, "and maybe you can earn my bed again."
The only thing Stefan could think to say when Elena moved her hands down to peel off his underwear was, "Please."
-
The next night, sex with Elena hurt. From the way she held him down and didn't care if he struggled, squirmed or froze or if his cries were soft or loud, he knew she didn't want anything from him beside his body.
-
He dreamt of Damon feeding on him again. They were at the creek where they played as children and Stefan's head was thrown back and his hair was mingling in the mud as Damon held him down and tore into Stefan's neck like he was the one who was the ripper.
-
"Is that Damon?" Elena asked when Stefan's phone rang.
"Yes."
"Press ignore."
Stefan kept his eyes on hers as he obeyed with shaking fingers.
"If he wants to talk to you, he'll have to go through me," Elena said.
Stefan swallowed his protests before they rose in his throat and looked down to stare at his phone.
-
Every couple of days, when Stefan was alone in her house, he would stand in front of the open refrigerator and stare at the bags of human blood. His mouth would water and his stomach would growl and he would think about the look of horror in Elena's eyes as he stared at his blood marking his face. How he had pressed his foot on the gas and thought about driving her off the bridge even though Klaus had given into his demand.
He'd wanted Klaus to think he was bluffing until the moment Elena's heart stopped beating.
He'd wanted everything to finally fucking end.
He should never want anything again.
-
Stefan dreamt he was at a bar with Damon. They were playing a drinking game. Stefan was drinking bourbon and Damon was drinking Stefan. Everything felt right until he woke up.
-
Stefan spent the next two weeks eating little, going to school, doing homework Elena assigned him, cleaning her house when she decided to send him home or spending the afternoons in the park or at the mall with Caroline and Bonnie when she decided to keep him with her, and spending the nights beneath her as they slept.
-
Once, when Stefan was tipsy and brave, he told Lexi that he liked it when he was on lockdown. She looked almost horrified so he grabbed her hands and shook his head. "Not the pain," he explained, because he knew it was wrong to feel safe dressed in chains and soaked in blood, "being with you."
She shook her head and her smile made him feel whole. She kissed his hair and nudged him to lie his head in her lap. "Just enjoy the movie, already, birthday boy."
-
Stefan had been mentally plotting out an essay on South Korea's economic growth in the past sixty years for Elena's social studies class when he walked into her room with their backpacks to find Damon lounging on her bed with the Vulpix doll in his lap.
"What are you doing here?" Stefan asked, dropping the bags on the floor next to the desk.
Damon crooked his finger and patted on the bed next to him. Stefan folded his arms and buried the desire to heed him. "I'm just checking up on my little brother."
"I'm fine," Stefan said, "so you can leave now."
Damon moved and then he was right in front of Stefan with both of his hands on Stefan's shoulders. Unwillingly, Stefan found himself relaxing a little under his strong palms. "Come on, we haven't done anything together in almost a month."
Stefan knew he should push away from his brother. "You made it clear where you stood with me, brother."
"Just because I'll never forgive you for being an idiot and getting Elena killed doesn't mean I kicked you out of the house," Damon said, sounding so reasonable that Stefan couldn't help but hope the beating was all the punishment Damon was going to dole out. Damon jerked his head to the door. "It's time to go home, Stef."
Okay was on the tip of his tongue, but his promise to Elena was branded on every inch of his body. "I can't."
"Come on," Damon said with a smile shaped like a smirk, "your room is getting dusty and all the ridiculous whole grain bread you buy has started to get moldy."
"I can't," Stefan repeated, "and you need to leave."
Damon curled his fingers in Stefan's shoulders and jerked him forward. "Why?"
"You hurt Elena," Stefan said and hoped Damon would, for once in his life, actually listen to what Stefan was saying, "and you need to make it up to her."
Damon's eyes flashed as he grabbed Stefan's throat with one hand. "Do I need to break your neck?" He shoved Stefan against the wall and leaned to Stefan's ear. "Because I'm done asking you."
Stefan tried to push Damon away, but Damon just pressed his body fully against Stefan's, cut off Stefan's air supply with a twitch of his hand, and stared Stefan down. Stefan knew he should stop struggling in order calm Damon down enough to reason with him, but it was the rage shaping Damon's face that made Stefan freeze in shame.
"I promised Elena I would stay here," Stefan said, sounding almost as weak as he felt when Damon loosened his hold but did not remove his hand on his throat.
"Don't worry about that," Damon said, almost gentle, "I'm not giving you a choice."
Before Stefan could reply, Damon snapped his neck.
-
Stefan woke up on his brother's bed to the sound of Elena and Damon shouting. From the library, he guessed, from the volume of their voices and how Damon spent much of his time in there drinking when he was miserable.
Stefan did not allow himself to bury his face in Damon's pillow and find comfort in hiding under the covers, under Damon's protection.
He'd promised Elena.
So he crept out of Damon's room and home and returned as fast as he could to Elena's house. Hands trembling, he texted Elena in order to inform her he was back at the house.
-
An hour later, Elena walked into the room and the first thing Stefan said was, "I'm sorry."
She stared at him, sitting on the floor, and folded her arms. "Get on the bed."
Stefan did. She walked up to him and set her hands on his shoulders. "Tell me what you did wrong."
"I left without your permission," Stefan said.
Elena pushed down on his shoulders. It didn't hurt much, but it served to remind Stefan of his place with her. "Damon knocked you out. You didn't have a choice." She leaned down and he could see nothing but her. "What did you do wrong?"
"I should have left or called you when I saw him," Stefan said.
"What would Damon have done if you tried that?"
"He would have stopped me," Stefan responded before he thought it.
"Good," Elena said with a nod, "what did you do wrong?"
Stefan looked up at her, helpless.
She moved her hands up and down his arms, an act of comfort. Her face was of the monster he made her, "Nothing. You did nothing wrong."
Stefan nodded then looked down. "What should I do about Damon, then?"
"I'll take care of Damon," Elena's hands suddenly felt safe and then they weren't when she continued, "all you have to do is give up on being with him."
Stefan almost laughed. All he had to do. "I'm yours," he said, dully, and his head fell against her abdomen. He squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could as she began to rub his back.
-
That night, as Elena slept atop him and he stroked her hair, Stefan thought about how his father needed to whip him regularly and how he would try to grit his teeth and bare it quietly like Damon did but wouldn't be able to. Because each lick was a blaze of disappointment and he could do nothing to make up for his mistakes. The only thing he could do was stay still, as required, and cry until his father decided his point had been made.
-
One night, Katherine had kissed up the bruises his father gave him and he wondered if she ever missed getting marks from her parents. Sometimes he couldn't stop thinking about how she lost her family to fire in a place that should have been safe. Home.
A few days later, after she'd made him ask her through compulsion, she pressed him down on the bed and set her lips on his. "It's not something I can afford to do."
He thought that meant yes, but Katherine liked him quiet save for her name whimpered when she had him on his back between her legs, so he didn't get to ask.
-
After the tenth straight day of endless texts from Damon, Stefan gave Elena his phone. "I think I'll need a new one."
Elena turned around on the bed in order to face Stefan, arm curled around the Vulpix doll, took the phone and crushed it. "We'll replace it tomorrow."
"That'll probably only help for a few days," Stefan said.
Elena crawled on top of him, pressing the doll between their chests. She nestled her head against his neck. Stefan began to stroke her hair as she closed her eyes. "He'll just have to get over it."
-
He dreamt of Damon making him feed on a human and forcing him to stop before he could possibly get full by throwing him on the ground. He pressed his body fully against Stefan's and sunk his fangs into Stefan's shoulder. When Stefan started to scream, he woke up in silence.
-
When Elena stormed in the house only a few hours after she'd sent him away after school, Stefan knew the day wasn't going to end well.
Her face was red, like she'd been crying. She sat down on the desk chair for exactly a minute before getting up and pacing. Then she plopped down on the bed and grabbed the Vulpix doll and stared at it for a little while before dropping it on the bed and pacing some more.
"Elena," Stefan said, standing up and walking over her to put his hands on her face. "What's wrong?"
Elena pushed him down on the bed and fell down on top of him. She kissed him like she was trying to devour him whole. Stefan set his hands on her face and gently, but mostly carefully, pulled her away. "Please, Elena, talk to me."
She grabbed his wrists and pinned them to the bed. "I didn't say you could talk."
Stefan's first thought was to keep his mouth shut until she ordered otherwise. But she looked so close to crying that he had to swallow it down. "Please don't shut me out."
Elena stood up, pulling Stefan with her. Then she hit his face with the back of her hand hard enough to make the bones in his face shatter. He heard it before he felt it. "Look at your watch." Stefan did. Five o'clock. "Don't drink any blood at all until at least seventy-two hours have passed."
The bones weren't healing very well. It was his own fault, he should have been hunting more. He swallowed and cradled his face as he watched her gather up her purse and coat. "Don't leave this room," she ordered, "don't write in your diary." She was in front of him and she knocked his hand away from his face. She slapped the injury to reinforce the sting. "Just think about how disappointing you are."
"I will," Stefan said through his broken jaw.
She walked away and he curled his legs up to his chest and thought.
-
With Klaus, Stefan was a poor student. For the first two weeks, everything he said, everything he did, and even how he killed was incorrect. Klaus would end up breaking a bone or two before shoving Stefan on his knees and towering over and drilling him until he was satisfied that Stefan understood that he was just one thing: wrong.
When Stefan finally said to a question, "I don't know," Klaus grinned and pulled Stefan off his knees, in front of him. Stefan had swallowed.
"Now we're getting somewhere," Klaus said and pushed some sweaty hair out of Stefan's face, behind his ear.
Stefan tried not to hope.
-
After the final bell rang, Elena grabbed Stefan's arm and he flinched. But he didn't pull away. He kept his gaze down as followed her out of the school.
Damon was waiting for them.
"Go," Elena said.
As Stefan obeyed, he could feel Damon's eyes burning into him.
-
"Are you going to ask about Damon?" Elena asked.
Stefan remembered the bones she broke, the disappointment he caused, and the fact he wasn't allowed to eat for fifty more hours. "No."
"Good," Elena said and Stefan found himself smiling a little. She guided him onto his back on soft blankets and pillows. She straddled his hips and cupped his face before leaning down to give him a firm kiss. She pierced her wrist with her fingernail and pressed it against his mouth. "You're still restricted from blood for two more days, but you earned this."
Stefan grabbed hold of her arm with both hands buried his teeth into her veins. Her blood poured into his mouth and it tasted perfect. He closed his eyes and dug his fingers into her skin and fed and bucked against her and fed and thought that if he could just have a few more mouthfuls he'd be sated for the first time in a hundred and sixty three years.
"That's enough," Elena said, too soon. But Stefan withdrew his fangs and looked up at her as she stroked his hair and bent down to kiss his forehead.
Elena moved her hands down and Stefan opened himself up for her. Hesitant, aware she'd break his fingers if it was the wrong move, he reached up under her shirt and unclipped her bra. She grinned and kissed him with open lips. He pulled her down over him. He needed more than her teeth and tongue mapping his mouth.
When she paused for breath he nuzzled her neck with the top of his head and she laughed breathlessly and tore off his clothes with one swift move. He pulled down her panties as she pulled up her skirt and she pushed down on him.
He felt warm and loved and thought he might do anything to earn her like this again.
-
They were in their old home and it was on fire. Damon was draining the life from him with his fangs and need as the flames began to dance across Stefan's skin. One or the other would kill him; the only question was which. He thought he'd prefer it be Damon, would like for his last sensation to be blanketed by his brother, who was burrowing inside of him.
-
Before Stefan could find out if died by Damon's hands or the burn of a flame, Elena shook him awake. "Pack. We're leaving." Dazed and confused by what was happening, Stefan still did as he was told. Elena watched him put what they needed into their backpacks, because Elena hadn't bought suitcases yet. When he picked up the Vulpix doll Elena shook her head. "Drop it."
There was no more confusion. Elena had lost Jeremy.
"Come on," she said when he was done and he followed her out of the house and into a car she'd bought one day when Stefan was confided in her house.
He thought about asking about Damon. But he knew what her answer would be. So he shoved the backpacks into the back seat without a word.
-
When Elena slid into the driver's seat Stefan found he wasn't able move into the passenger's seat, where he belonged. With a loud sigh, she got out of the car and slammed the door. "What is it?"
"Damon," Stefan said, "please let me say goodbye."
For a moment, Stefan thought she'd say no. But she was better than him so she nodded. "You have exactly ten minutes."
Stefan didn't waste time thanking her.
-
Stefan got a matchbox box out of his desk. One by one, he lit each one of them and dropped them on the ground. For about five minutes, he watched the fire destroy every memory he'd ever wanted to keep.
-
With that done, made only of ashes and promises, Stefan returned to Elena.