New RPS fic - Jensen/Chad, Jared - All Talk and No Action
I have no defense for this. None.
Written for the Kink/Cliche challenge. Thanks to antheia for the beta!
Title - All Talk and No Action
Pairing - JA/CMM, JP
Rating - PG
Prompt used - Character is secretly a virgin
Word Count - 1900
All Talk and No Action
Entertainment Weekly - July, 25th 2006
Is a certain CW star all talk and no action? According to the ex-wife of the star of this hit teen drama: "It's kind of sad, actually. You could tell that sex was just something he was never comfortable with. That must explain why we never had any." The young stud's most recent ex-fiancé had this to add: "Listen to me, baby. Buying someone a Benz doesn't make up for the fact that you can't XXCENSOREDXX in bed, all right?" Well! One has to wonder, following the network name change from the WB to the CW, will there also be a name change for this poor guy's show? Maybe to One Blue Pill?
*
"Jared, man, read this."
Jared opened his eyes and the girl trying to do his face makeup huffed. He tried smiling. He was always moving around too much in the makeup chair. "Whoops. Sorry," he said, turning to look at Jensen in the chair next to him. Jensen was hitting Jared on the arm with a rolled up magazine. The makeup girl rolled her eyes and walked away.
"Dude, what?" He took the magazine from Jensen and shook his head. "I can't believe you read this crap."
"Shut up. Read this." Jensen leaned over and traced down to the blurb at the bottom right of the page.
Jared laughed. Whatever Jensen wanted, right? He'd read whatever it was and then he could- "You've got to be fucking kidding me," Jared said. He read it three more times, and it still made no sense.
Jensen whistled softly and grabbed the magazine back. His face was tinged orange from the face makeup, so when he smiled his teeth gleamed ever whiter. "Chad should sue, man. Shit's not right."
It really wasn't. There were things that happened after a breakup, a divorce, Jared realized that. But this - ragging on a guy's manhood - that shit just wasn't done.
"It's got to be about Chad, right?" Jared thought as hard as he could, but the only other person he could think of on a teen drama that had been married was Welling. Who was still married. Who Jared had seen fucking some other chick in the back of a bar six months ago, so he was out.
"Got to be," Jensen agreed.
Jared smirked and pulled his phone from his pocket. Because shit like this didn't happen every day. This was something good. Something to take advantage of.
He glanced at Jensen as he punched in Chad's number. "I really fucking love you, man," he told Jensen, because there was no way in hell Jared would have seen that article for himself. And missing that would have been something Jared never would have gotten over. "I owe you one."
"I'll remember that," Jensen answered with a smile.
The phone rang three, four, five times, before Chad's voice mail picked up. Jared said, "Call me back, you ball less wonder," and hung up.
Less than a minute later, his phone rang.
"You give me shit about this, Padalecki, and I fucking swear-"
"Chad, man," Jared laughed and Jensen joined in. Jared shot a grin over his shoulder and Jensen gave him a big thumbs up. "You should learn better control over your women."
"Ex- women," Chad corrected, "And fuck you very much, Jared. I really appreciate the call."
Chad wasn't happy. He had that snippy, pissy tone that Jared only heard when Chad was really at the end of his patience. Jared tried to force the smile off his face, and said, "All right, all right. Listen. I'm sorry, you fucking pussy. That better?"
Jared could hear Jensen mutter, "Oh, god," and saw the shadow of his hand flapping by the side of Jared's head. Jared batted Jensen's arm away. He didn't need to be hearing shit from both sides.
Chad was quiet, so Jared asked, "You call your lawyer yet?"
"Nah."
"Your publicist?"
"Nope."
Jared sighed. "Dude, you gotta stop this shit before it spreads, you know that, right? I mean, lies like this get in the wrong hands and-"
"Well, you know, that's the thing," Chad interrupted.
Jared blinked. He had no idea what that meant. "What's the thing?"
"You know." Chad cleared his throat. There was a weird pause between them, just long enough for Jared to replay that last few lines of the conversation in his head. "I mean, the thing is, they're not really-"
"Wait. They're not lies?" Jared heard a thump, which was either Jensen falling off his chair, or Jared's brain exploding. He wasn't sure which.
"Jared, I swear to god, I will beat the fucking snot out of you if-"
"Oh my god. Chad, I gotta go." Jared was laughing too hard to talk. He hung up the phone as Chad was shouting at him and cursing. When it rang again a minute later, Jared pressed the power button and tossed it on the counter in front of him.
"Dude, what the fuck was he saying?" Jensen poked Jared on the arm. His eyes were wide.
"That it's the truth." Jared nodded at the rolled up magazine on Jensen's chair. "All of it, about him never having-"
"Jared, that's retarded." Jensen shook his head and flapped a hand in the air. "He's been married fifteen fucking times."
Jared chuckled and sat back in his seat. This was priceless. "Yeah, well, apparently he's never fucked any of them," he said.
*
Jared sat on his couch and stared at Chad sitting next to him. It was like he didn't even know the guy. Every single thing he'd ever thought ever, was complete and utter crap.
"Dude, none of them?" Jared shook his head. Chad had been with some hot chicks.
"It's a thing," Chad tried to explain. He rubbed a hand over his head and slouched back. Jensen walked out of the kitchen and handed Chad a beer before sitting on the chair across from them. "Hey, Jensen," Chad said.
"Hey."
"What kind of thing?" Jared didn't understand this. Any of it. What kind of thing could keep someone from fucking Sophia Bush if they could? A no dick thing?
"It's like…" Chad trailed off. Jared never realized his best friend was so fucking stupid. "Ok, it's like this," Chad explained. "You know how in baseball a guy will be in a slump, so then he'll start making all sorts of shit errors, right? And then the papers give him shit for that, so he makes more errors, cause he's nervous, so the papers give him more shit, and it's just a vicious cycle."
Chad was staring at Jared, expecting him to get it. Jared said, "Man, I watch football. Does that happen in football?"
Chad fell back into the couch and groaned, but Jensen leaned forward and pointed at Jared as he spoke. "No, but it's like when Shaq couldn't throw free throws, back when he was on the Lakers, remember that?"
Jared snickered. "He still can't hit free throws."
"Right, but that's not the point." Jensen turned to Chad. "It's the whole pressure thing, right?"
"Right." Chad's cheeks were flushed bright pink. Jared thought he looked like a dork. "I can't believe I'm fucking talking to you about this."
"Look, this is easy." Jared couldn't believe how stupid his friends were. The answer was simple. "We set you up with someone just for sex, and you bang them. That way it's no expectations, no pressure."
"Sure. No problem." Chad rolled his eyes. "And who do you know that's gonna do this?"
Christ, he was technical. "I'll have Sandy ask one of her friends," Jared told him. Chad moaned and Jensen just snickered. "What?"
"Dude, maybe hooking him up with one of your porn star girlfriend's best friends isn't exactly pressure free," Jensen explained.
Jared felt his face heat. "I keep telling you she's not a porn star."
"She licked another chick's nipples on camera, Jared," Chad said, sitting back up. "She kinda is."
Which, whatever. "That's not the fucking point." Jared shot Jensen a glare as he started to laugh. Jensen held his hands palms up and tried to hide his laugh behind a lame throat-clearing. "The point is-"
"I'll do it."
Jared wasn't sure whose head whipped around quicker when Jensen spoke: his or Chad's.
"You'll do what?" Jared asked.
Jensen smiled slowly and leaned back. His legs were spread wide, fingers tapping lightly on the arms of the chair. Jared was trying to get his attention, see if Jensen had recently lost his mind, but Jensen was watching Chad, staring at Chad, who was staring right back.
Before Jared could even figure out what was going on, Chad was leaning forward, licking is lips and watching Jensen as he breathed, "Ok, yeah."
Jensen stood up. "Cool. You want to fuck or get fucked? You ever done either?"
Jared's head swung back and forth between the two of them. Chad was standing up now, ducking his head and smiling and holy fucking shit, flirting with Jensen, who was flirting right the fuck back. Jared had no idea when he'd so totally lost control of the situation, but it was clear that he had.
Chad said, "No. I'll do…whatever. Both, I guess?"
Jensen smirked and grabbed Chad's wrist. "Cool."
"Ok, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait just a fucking minute." Jared stood up and waved his hands in the air, stopping the two of them as they - the fucking nerve - were heading back toward Jared's bedroom. "You two are going to fuck."
Jensen looked at Chad and grinned. "Right."
"Because Chad's a virgin."
Chad raised his chin. "Will you stop fucking saying it like that?"
"And you're going to do it in my bed?" Jared never knew his friends were insane.
Jensen leered and took a step towards him. "Why? You wanna come too? 'Cause you can, if you want-"
"No! God, no, I just…" In the time it took Jared to think of the ending of his sentence, Jensen and Chad had already gone into Jared's bedroom and shut the door.
*
Jared huffed and stared at the closed door of his bedroom. He could hear the two of them talking, laughing, and then they were quiet.
A few minutes passed, and then-
"Jesus Christ!" Jared shouted, jumping up to turn on the TV. "I hate you both," he added, turning the volume up to twenty.
*
Jared watched one hour of the Food Network, then a second. Halfway through the third, he heard a loud thump, then a crash, then Chad's voice, high-pitched and laughing, "Dude, I'm so sorry."
Jared turned the TV up higher.
*
By the time they came out, Jared was tired, cranky, and fucking hungry. And he wanted to bang Rachael Ray.
Chad's face was flushed pink, the tails of his shirt hanging from his jeans, and he was walking funny. Jensen followed him, looking even more fucked out than Chad.
Jared hated them both.
"Are you done?" he snapped. "Can I call the papers and tell them Chad Michael Murray was deflowered in my bedroom by my co-star?"
"Please, Jared," Chad said, pretending to sniffle and wipe his eyes. "You're tainting the beautiful and touching memory of my first time."
Chad and Jensen looked at each other and cracked up laughing. Jared threw his hands in the air, rolled his eyes, and promised himself he'd get new friends as soon as possible.
-end-
Written for the Kink/Cliche challenge. Thanks to antheia for the beta!
Title - All Talk and No Action
Pairing - JA/CMM, JP
Rating - PG
Prompt used - Character is secretly a virgin
Word Count - 1900
All Talk and No Action
Entertainment Weekly - July, 25th 2006
Is a certain CW star all talk and no action? According to the ex-wife of the star of this hit teen drama: "It's kind of sad, actually. You could tell that sex was just something he was never comfortable with. That must explain why we never had any." The young stud's most recent ex-fiancé had this to add: "Listen to me, baby. Buying someone a Benz doesn't make up for the fact that you can't XXCENSOREDXX in bed, all right?" Well! One has to wonder, following the network name change from the WB to the CW, will there also be a name change for this poor guy's show? Maybe to One Blue Pill?
*
"Jared, man, read this."
Jared opened his eyes and the girl trying to do his face makeup huffed. He tried smiling. He was always moving around too much in the makeup chair. "Whoops. Sorry," he said, turning to look at Jensen in the chair next to him. Jensen was hitting Jared on the arm with a rolled up magazine. The makeup girl rolled her eyes and walked away.
"Dude, what?" He took the magazine from Jensen and shook his head. "I can't believe you read this crap."
"Shut up. Read this." Jensen leaned over and traced down to the blurb at the bottom right of the page.
Jared laughed. Whatever Jensen wanted, right? He'd read whatever it was and then he could- "You've got to be fucking kidding me," Jared said. He read it three more times, and it still made no sense.
Jensen whistled softly and grabbed the magazine back. His face was tinged orange from the face makeup, so when he smiled his teeth gleamed ever whiter. "Chad should sue, man. Shit's not right."
It really wasn't. There were things that happened after a breakup, a divorce, Jared realized that. But this - ragging on a guy's manhood - that shit just wasn't done.
"It's got to be about Chad, right?" Jared thought as hard as he could, but the only other person he could think of on a teen drama that had been married was Welling. Who was still married. Who Jared had seen fucking some other chick in the back of a bar six months ago, so he was out.
"Got to be," Jensen agreed.
Jared smirked and pulled his phone from his pocket. Because shit like this didn't happen every day. This was something good. Something to take advantage of.
He glanced at Jensen as he punched in Chad's number. "I really fucking love you, man," he told Jensen, because there was no way in hell Jared would have seen that article for himself. And missing that would have been something Jared never would have gotten over. "I owe you one."
"I'll remember that," Jensen answered with a smile.
The phone rang three, four, five times, before Chad's voice mail picked up. Jared said, "Call me back, you ball less wonder," and hung up.
Less than a minute later, his phone rang.
"You give me shit about this, Padalecki, and I fucking swear-"
"Chad, man," Jared laughed and Jensen joined in. Jared shot a grin over his shoulder and Jensen gave him a big thumbs up. "You should learn better control over your women."
"Ex- women," Chad corrected, "And fuck you very much, Jared. I really appreciate the call."
Chad wasn't happy. He had that snippy, pissy tone that Jared only heard when Chad was really at the end of his patience. Jared tried to force the smile off his face, and said, "All right, all right. Listen. I'm sorry, you fucking pussy. That better?"
Jared could hear Jensen mutter, "Oh, god," and saw the shadow of his hand flapping by the side of Jared's head. Jared batted Jensen's arm away. He didn't need to be hearing shit from both sides.
Chad was quiet, so Jared asked, "You call your lawyer yet?"
"Nah."
"Your publicist?"
"Nope."
Jared sighed. "Dude, you gotta stop this shit before it spreads, you know that, right? I mean, lies like this get in the wrong hands and-"
"Well, you know, that's the thing," Chad interrupted.
Jared blinked. He had no idea what that meant. "What's the thing?"
"You know." Chad cleared his throat. There was a weird pause between them, just long enough for Jared to replay that last few lines of the conversation in his head. "I mean, the thing is, they're not really-"
"Wait. They're not lies?" Jared heard a thump, which was either Jensen falling off his chair, or Jared's brain exploding. He wasn't sure which.
"Jared, I swear to god, I will beat the fucking snot out of you if-"
"Oh my god. Chad, I gotta go." Jared was laughing too hard to talk. He hung up the phone as Chad was shouting at him and cursing. When it rang again a minute later, Jared pressed the power button and tossed it on the counter in front of him.
"Dude, what the fuck was he saying?" Jensen poked Jared on the arm. His eyes were wide.
"That it's the truth." Jared nodded at the rolled up magazine on Jensen's chair. "All of it, about him never having-"
"Jared, that's retarded." Jensen shook his head and flapped a hand in the air. "He's been married fifteen fucking times."
Jared chuckled and sat back in his seat. This was priceless. "Yeah, well, apparently he's never fucked any of them," he said.
*
Jared sat on his couch and stared at Chad sitting next to him. It was like he didn't even know the guy. Every single thing he'd ever thought ever, was complete and utter crap.
"Dude, none of them?" Jared shook his head. Chad had been with some hot chicks.
"It's a thing," Chad tried to explain. He rubbed a hand over his head and slouched back. Jensen walked out of the kitchen and handed Chad a beer before sitting on the chair across from them. "Hey, Jensen," Chad said.
"Hey."
"What kind of thing?" Jared didn't understand this. Any of it. What kind of thing could keep someone from fucking Sophia Bush if they could? A no dick thing?
"It's like…" Chad trailed off. Jared never realized his best friend was so fucking stupid. "Ok, it's like this," Chad explained. "You know how in baseball a guy will be in a slump, so then he'll start making all sorts of shit errors, right? And then the papers give him shit for that, so he makes more errors, cause he's nervous, so the papers give him more shit, and it's just a vicious cycle."
Chad was staring at Jared, expecting him to get it. Jared said, "Man, I watch football. Does that happen in football?"
Chad fell back into the couch and groaned, but Jensen leaned forward and pointed at Jared as he spoke. "No, but it's like when Shaq couldn't throw free throws, back when he was on the Lakers, remember that?"
Jared snickered. "He still can't hit free throws."
"Right, but that's not the point." Jensen turned to Chad. "It's the whole pressure thing, right?"
"Right." Chad's cheeks were flushed bright pink. Jared thought he looked like a dork. "I can't believe I'm fucking talking to you about this."
"Look, this is easy." Jared couldn't believe how stupid his friends were. The answer was simple. "We set you up with someone just for sex, and you bang them. That way it's no expectations, no pressure."
"Sure. No problem." Chad rolled his eyes. "And who do you know that's gonna do this?"
Christ, he was technical. "I'll have Sandy ask one of her friends," Jared told him. Chad moaned and Jensen just snickered. "What?"
"Dude, maybe hooking him up with one of your porn star girlfriend's best friends isn't exactly pressure free," Jensen explained.
Jared felt his face heat. "I keep telling you she's not a porn star."
"She licked another chick's nipples on camera, Jared," Chad said, sitting back up. "She kinda is."
Which, whatever. "That's not the fucking point." Jared shot Jensen a glare as he started to laugh. Jensen held his hands palms up and tried to hide his laugh behind a lame throat-clearing. "The point is-"
"I'll do it."
Jared wasn't sure whose head whipped around quicker when Jensen spoke: his or Chad's.
"You'll do what?" Jared asked.
Jensen smiled slowly and leaned back. His legs were spread wide, fingers tapping lightly on the arms of the chair. Jared was trying to get his attention, see if Jensen had recently lost his mind, but Jensen was watching Chad, staring at Chad, who was staring right back.
Before Jared could even figure out what was going on, Chad was leaning forward, licking is lips and watching Jensen as he breathed, "Ok, yeah."
Jensen stood up. "Cool. You want to fuck or get fucked? You ever done either?"
Jared's head swung back and forth between the two of them. Chad was standing up now, ducking his head and smiling and holy fucking shit, flirting with Jensen, who was flirting right the fuck back. Jared had no idea when he'd so totally lost control of the situation, but it was clear that he had.
Chad said, "No. I'll do…whatever. Both, I guess?"
Jensen smirked and grabbed Chad's wrist. "Cool."
"Ok, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait just a fucking minute." Jared stood up and waved his hands in the air, stopping the two of them as they - the fucking nerve - were heading back toward Jared's bedroom. "You two are going to fuck."
Jensen looked at Chad and grinned. "Right."
"Because Chad's a virgin."
Chad raised his chin. "Will you stop fucking saying it like that?"
"And you're going to do it in my bed?" Jared never knew his friends were insane.
Jensen leered and took a step towards him. "Why? You wanna come too? 'Cause you can, if you want-"
"No! God, no, I just…" In the time it took Jared to think of the ending of his sentence, Jensen and Chad had already gone into Jared's bedroom and shut the door.
*
Jared huffed and stared at the closed door of his bedroom. He could hear the two of them talking, laughing, and then they were quiet.
A few minutes passed, and then-
"Jesus Christ!" Jared shouted, jumping up to turn on the TV. "I hate you both," he added, turning the volume up to twenty.
*
Jared watched one hour of the Food Network, then a second. Halfway through the third, he heard a loud thump, then a crash, then Chad's voice, high-pitched and laughing, "Dude, I'm so sorry."
Jared turned the TV up higher.
*
By the time they came out, Jared was tired, cranky, and fucking hungry. And he wanted to bang Rachael Ray.
Chad's face was flushed pink, the tails of his shirt hanging from his jeans, and he was walking funny. Jensen followed him, looking even more fucked out than Chad.
Jared hated them both.
"Are you done?" he snapped. "Can I call the papers and tell them Chad Michael Murray was deflowered in my bedroom by my co-star?"
"Please, Jared," Chad said, pretending to sniffle and wipe his eyes. "You're tainting the beautiful and touching memory of my first time."
Chad and Jensen looked at each other and cracked up laughing. Jared threw his hands in the air, rolled his eyes, and promised himself he'd get new friends as soon as possible.
-end-