After the fact
Who: Aelan, Jiann, Essdara
Where: Lower Caverns, HRW
When: After Yevide's death at the party
Comment: Dara breaks, Aelan puts her at least a little bit back together.
Aelan slips away from a caucus instructor to follow after Dara, looking concerned. "Dara," she calls after the other girl again, though her voice is still muted.
Jiann likewise follows Essdara, but does not call out to her. She's undemonstrative like that, a veritable mystery woman in this Weyr. Or something of that nature. Her stride slows, and she looks over her shoulder as Aelan calls.
Essdara doesn't turn at the sound of her name, but she does stop. She is staring at the floor, hands clenched at her side as she lets Aelan and Jiann approach. She speaks as they do, her voice trembling and anguish evident. "It's not fair. It's just not fair. Even knowing, even with warning, people just wouldn't listen..."
Aelan nods to Jiann, an acknowledgement of a greeting, before she continues towards Dara. "What do you mean, Dara?" she asks quietly, glancing back towards Jiann uncertainly.
"She means," Jiann says as she picks up her pace again, drawing to Essdara's side, "Threats kept comin', an' things kept happenin', but nobody did nothin'." She lifts a hand, and but lightly touches the (other) kitchen worker's arm.
Essdara nods, softly, at Jiann's words. "Wasn't even subtle. When they cornered me, when they threatened my friends, they all but said they were leading to this. And noone listened. All people wanted was their hate, all they wanted was for her to leave. Noone wanted to knwo her, to talk to her, to give her a chance. Well, they got what they wanted, didn't they?"
"But- You don't think- She was right there..." Here is where a sheltered life is limiting to Aelan, as she utterly fails to comprehend what's happened through her shock. "Dara, you don't know yet what happened..." she says once she gets her words in order yet. "It could have just been one of those, what do they call them? People die suddenly sometimes."
Jiann makes her thoughts on that option known: she snorts. Since Essdara did not react terribly much to the contact, she next touches the other woman's hand. "I don't think /nothin'/ was done. Didn't the guards step up patrols an' such? 'Til that whole mess with the captain, I guess. An' it's true nobody knifed 'er or kidnapped 'er. 'Least, she didn't go missin', an' jus' now I didn't see no blood."
Essdara shakes her head slowly. "Medina said it wasn't her heart, and that she didn't die naturally. Aelan, you were close, you must have heard that. She was healthy, fit. There's no reason she would have just gone like that, with no warning. And Vanya, she was very careful to fidn the weyrwoman's glass..." A sigh, and a shudder. Briefly, her hand touches Jiann's. "It's not fair. She was wonderful, and she treated me so well, and then I couldn't see her. Things were supposed to get better, settle down, and we could talk again and it would be ok, and now... Now she's..." Trembling, now, her voice trails off as she struggles to stay coherent.
Aelan seems to slump, finding a place to lean one shoulder against the wall near Dara as her spirits fall. "Dara, it's not..." She stops then, sighing softly and reaching out to try to set a hand on her friend's shoulder, settling for silent comfort in her inability to do anything more.
"It ain't," Jiann agrees, and she briefly leans her head against Essdara's, a little more contact for comfort, or so she hopes. "But it does go on. It will, once y'done grievin'. S'alright t' mourn, now." She gives her friend's hand a little squeeze, then draws back slowly, just in case the nearness /isn't/ appreciated. After all, maybe Aelan and Essdara can better comfort each other, who knows.
Essdara doesn't seem to be in a place to argue over who is comforting her. As Jiann pulls away, Aelan away against a wall, Dara starts to cry, and to do a good job of it. Sobs, the full body kind, are quick to come as she slumps to her knees and just kneels there, letting the grief take over.
"Oh, hey," Aelan winces, pushing away from the wall and moving towards Dara, kneeling next to her. She's awkward, uncertain about how to deal with all of this, though she reaches out an arm to put it around the other girl's shoulders, looking up towards Jiann as though she make sure she's doing this right.
...That, Jiann did not expect. With a quiet sigh of sympathy for Essdara, she steps back close and sinks down to the ground by the younger woman. A slight twitch with one hand rearranges her skirts so she's not tripping over them, and then she takes Essdara's hand into both of her own, rubbing gently.
Essdara doesn't resist the attempts at comfort from either woman, going so far as to lean into the arm around her a bit, holding tightly to Jiann's hand as she cries. Once or twice, she tries to say something but it's lost in the sobs and sniffles and whimpers that seem to have taken over the cook.
As it seems the comforting isn't a complete failure, Aelan puts her other arm around Essdara as well, quiet. She sets her chin on the other girl's shoulder, rocking gently.
** Jiann ICly departs about here **
Essdara leans into Aelan more, cobbing against her for a long while. After a good quarter hour of crying, Dara finally starts to get some of herself back, the sobs subsiding into much softer whimpers. "I just... She was like... Like a mother, in so many ways, so much closer than my own... And all I wanted was for things to settle down, to get back to normal. Now they never can..."
"Oh, Dara," Aelan says softly, sympathetic. "I know...I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things will settle down. Things always settle down, eventually." She still rocks gently, rubbing a hand over Dara's back in a soothing motion. "It won't make her come back. Nothing can do that. But...the world won't end. Things will move on. Hopefully for the better, if-" She pauses, sobering. "We should talk to the Headmaster."
Essdara blinks, lifting her head a bit. The suggestion is so confusing to her that she stops crying at all to address it. "Sefton? Why would I want to talk to him? What's he got to do with any of this? He's never brought me anything but discomfort." She sighs, and leans back agaisnt Aelan. "Shards. I just... I feel so helpless, powerless. T'zen attacked, Aida kidnapped, the htreats I've gotten, this... I just want to run away. To leave the weyr and never come back. It's not home anymore, it's not safe, and I have nothing here now to make me want to live here."
"We should talk to the Headmaster because the Headmaster's likely to be the only person around here with his head still solidly on his shoulders," Aelan muses analytically. "All the bronzeriders and goldriders - well, it's just Sinopa left now, isn't it? Anyhow, all of them are going to be /massively/ effected by this. Brains all out of whack. If you want a spin on this so that it goes the way Yevide would have wanted it to, you need to talk to someone who knows how to spin, and can do it before the rest of them come out of their shock. And while the Caucus may be independent from the Weyr, he's the...Of everyone left, he's got the best likely chance of influencing how people think." She stops then, letting out a slow breath. "Dara, you can't leave. If you leave...they win. The isolationist bigots who made all these threats win. Is that what you want?"
Essdara's voice is anguished and angry all at once. "They already won! They wo months ago, Aelan! They won when this all started! Why should I stay? What have I got to stay for? What do I even have to live for here? To cook for a bunch of people who are so short-sigted, bigoted, and egocentric that they will let a wonderful person die just to prove a point?" A sigh. "Sefton... He will have his head on, but I don't trust him, and never will, Aelan. No, there's nothing for me there. There's nothing I can do but stay out of the way, not make myself a target, and... Be somewhere else."
"Dara, how do you expect anything to change if you run away?" Aelan asks, leaning back to put a hand on each of Dara's shoulders and hold her at arm's length. "Do you think the problem will just go away? Or is it okay to leave that sort of thing in the world just because you don't have to have any part in it? Is that any less short-sighted or egocentric, Dara?" she asks, firm.
Essdara punches her leg through her dress, "I don't /care/ anymore! I tried, Aelan, you have no idea how hard I tried to keep this from happened! /THEY TOLD ME/ they were going to do this! And noone would listen, noone took it seriously, and now she's /gone/. Noone would listen to me before, and they sure as between won't listen to me now, even if I had something to say! Sinopa will take over the Weyr, she'll have a new weyrleader soon enough, adn the whole lot can go between for all I care. I'm tired of it, Ae. Tired of fighting, tired of failing. Tired of tryingf to struggle for an ounce of recognition or love, and always ending up hurt and alone, and I just plain give up!"
"Dara..." Aelan trails off, letting out a heavy sigh and raising both hands. "Fine. You know, far be it from me to tell anyone else what they should or shouldn't do. Me, I'm stuck here for a few more years. So you know, it works for me to figure that something can be done. That something /will/ be done. The other Weyrs won't let High Reaches limp along with one queen. They can't afford to. Which means someone else will come in. And I'm guessing that when the morons behind all this anti-Igen sentiment realize that they're now being run by Sinopa? They'll rethink their tactics. But if you want to run away somewhere, I hear Igen's real pleasant. I can find you a place in Keroon or at the Beastcrafthall if you want, too. Just let me know."
Essdara growls in frustration. "Why should I care? Why should I, Aelan? What reason has anyone given for me to care? They dug their hole, why should I lie down it it?" She sighs and looks down. "All I have is people like you, my friends. And how many of them will still be there? Even you, you said yourself you have another three years here. After that... You'll just be gone." She sighs, and it's obvious she's trying not to cry more. "I wasn't alone when she was around. And now I am again."
"Dara, we're only as alone as we allow ourselves to be, haven't you told me that?" Aelan says quietly. "When I'm here and I feel like it's all a waste of time, like no one here gives a weyrling's muck-pile whether I'm here or not, hasn't it been you that's told me there are people here worth meeting, value to be found in all of this? Can you give that up for yourself?"
Essdara sighs. "I don't know, Aelan. I just... It hurts so much, and I just want to run away from it, and not have to feel it anymore. I just... It doesn't feel like home here, anyway. One of my best friends was kidnapped. Another, stabbed. A woman I loved more than anything was just killed, and I couldn't do a thing about it. I just... It's not home, all I feel is fear and despair."
"Do you truly believe that will change if you change your location, Dara?" Aelan asks, and she seems entirely serious about it. "Because if you want, I can talk to some people. Igen Weyr, Beastcraft Hall, Fishercraft Hall. Fisher'd at least be closer to here, if you changed your mind." She shifts, leaning back against the wall again as she watches you. "I'm sorry, Dara," she says after a moment, tipping her head back and looking away. "I'm not- I've never been good at this kind of thing. If you want something, you take it. You do something about it. So if what you want is gone, if that's what will make you feel better, than I'll do what I can. And if it's something else, then I'll do what I can for that, too. I just...I don't think running away will fix it."
Essdara says, softly, "You come from a different world than me, Aelan. You come from a world where what you want is only ever an asking away. I've struggled every day of my life just to be where I am, and mostly alone being there." She sighs, and moves over to sit next to her against the wall, leaning her head on Aelan's shoulder if allowed. "It's so hard to fight for every scrap. I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I just... Part of me wishes I hadn't been born, so then I wouldn't have to hurt all the time."
"Not everything I want, Dara," Aelan says quietly, resting her cheek against the top of Dara's head as she lets out a soft sigh. "And trust me, I know what you mean. Maybe it's been a little different, but the essence of it's the same. You just...You have to keep pushing. Somehow or another, you make it happen. You work over the hurt, until the hurt...goes away. Not that it ever does completely. But you can forget, for a time."
Essdara lapses quiet, resting against her friend with a soft sigh. She closes her eyes and puts her arm around the Holder's back, nestling closer, and for a few minutes all is quiet. Eventually, though, she does speak. "I'm sorry, Ae. I dunno if I have the strength to fight like you would. I... I will try, but I don't know. But... Thank you, for trying to help me."
"Sure you do, Dara," Aelan says, a brief, short laugh escaping. "You? Shards, Dara, you're stronger than I am. You've had a chance to actually live life, to build up those calluses. You've gone and gotten into things while I've just...avoided all of it. Dara, it hurts more because you took bigger chances. But remember that the payoff if bigger that way, too."
Essdara snorts, "Me? No, Aelan. I'm as weak as they come. Else I'd've not spent weeks not visiting someone dear to me, just cause of a few threats, you know?" She rubs her cheek lightly against Aelan's shoulder. "We could just both agree we're both strong, or both weak, I guess. I just... It hurts, and I want it to stop. DOn't care about rewards, just care about not hurting anymore."
"You can't stop hurting, Dara. The hurting lets you know you're alive." Aelan reaches out to wrap an arm around Dara's shoulders, rubbing firmly. "If you give up the hurt, you also give up the joy. That's how ups and downs work. You wouldn't hurt if you never knew joy."
Essdara sighs, softly. "Not had any of /that/ lately, I guess, which isn't helping. All in all, this turn has been... Terrible beyond words." A soft laugh. "And twice now, twice I put all my effort into being pretty and danceworthy, and in both cases, nothing came of it. Ah, well. At least that lesson is learned."
"Oh, shells," Aelan laughs at that. "That's never a sure bet. Trust me, they've trussed me up in these things often enough, and it hasn't yet ended up with an offer to Father. Or anything more interesting, for that matter."
Essdara rolls her eyes, sighing. "I didn't mean that - though you and N'tai looked good together, I add, and he's the type to offer more interesting as needed. I just meant dancing, and looking pretty and trying to be noticed. Not worth it, and since the first time, one of my friends was attacked, and the second time, this... I think I will give future parties a miss."
"Well, you could maybe stop wearing green," Aelan suggests with a faint, wry smile, flicking a finger at Dara's sleeve. "It looks great on you, but it's not the luckiest choice. And this coming from someone whose colors include it," she adds, flicking another finger at her own earring.
Essdara blushes a bit. "I didn't choose it." She mumbles. "It was a gift. Vanya's brother is a Weaver, and he has some things that, for whatever reason, the person they were meant for turned down. So when she asked for one for her, she got me one, too. Else I'd be wearing the same thing I did at turn's end, and that would have just been boring." A sigh, and she closes her eyes. "Thank you, Aelan." She says, quietly.
"Nothing to thank me for, Dara," Aelan dismisses gently. "I should be thanking you. I needed something useful to do as much as you needed a shoulder to cry on," she admits softly, still a little off-balance from the events of the evening, waiting for it all to sink in.
Essdara gives a little squeeze. "I do need one. Probably will for a while. I can still feel it there, trying to get out. But... I can ignore it, for now." She sighs. "I wonder, though... Do you get a failing grade in etiquette, for having someone murdered at your party?"
Aelan groans through a laugh, dropping her brow to Dara's shoulder. "I really hope not. Because if that was the case, then I'd have to cry, too. I don't think it counts if the party isn't the reason they got murdered," she decides.
"Probably not." Dara agrees, with a sound that is almost a laugh, but not quite. A brief, chaste peck in Aelan's hair, and a sigh. "It'll be remembered, that's for sure." Eyes close again and she rests against the wall. "I suppose." she says, in a voice that says whatever she is saying is unwelcome. "That I should go change out of this, and maybe think about sleeping."
"Or something," Aelan murmurs, sighing softly. "Something tells me there's going to be a lot of talking at the barracks tonight. I might wander around a bit myself."
Essdara makes a face. "Don't want to go back? Can't blame you. If you let me change, I'd be happy to stay with you... But I need out of this stuff, need to be... More like myself." A small shrug.
"No, I'll be all right," Aelan says with a small smile, gathering herself for a moment before pushing up carefully, brushing off her skirts, and offering down a hand. "You think you'll be all right?"
Essdara accepts the hand, and the help in standing up. She looks over at her friend for a long moment, then shrugs. "I dunno, Aelan. I really don't. Ask me again in a few months, and I will tell you if I am or not?" She steps in, hugging the other girl hard. "But I am trying, I promise. I won't run away."
"Good," Aelan approves, returning the hug tightly. "Because that would be another thing that would make me cry, and as soon as it gets cold here again, I'd totally be taking my life in my hands trying to ride out after you," she notes with a faint, wry smile before stepping back. "Take care, Dara."
"You'd never cry over me and you know it." Dara says, with a smirk. "You'd find me and make /me/ cry. Seeya around!" She turns, then, and dissapears into the dormatories, to change and, presumably, sleep.
Where: Lower Caverns, HRW
When: After Yevide's death at the party
Comment: Dara breaks, Aelan puts her at least a little bit back together.
Aelan slips away from a caucus instructor to follow after Dara, looking concerned. "Dara," she calls after the other girl again, though her voice is still muted.
Jiann likewise follows Essdara, but does not call out to her. She's undemonstrative like that, a veritable mystery woman in this Weyr. Or something of that nature. Her stride slows, and she looks over her shoulder as Aelan calls.
Essdara doesn't turn at the sound of her name, but she does stop. She is staring at the floor, hands clenched at her side as she lets Aelan and Jiann approach. She speaks as they do, her voice trembling and anguish evident. "It's not fair. It's just not fair. Even knowing, even with warning, people just wouldn't listen..."
Aelan nods to Jiann, an acknowledgement of a greeting, before she continues towards Dara. "What do you mean, Dara?" she asks quietly, glancing back towards Jiann uncertainly.
"She means," Jiann says as she picks up her pace again, drawing to Essdara's side, "Threats kept comin', an' things kept happenin', but nobody did nothin'." She lifts a hand, and but lightly touches the (other) kitchen worker's arm.
Essdara nods, softly, at Jiann's words. "Wasn't even subtle. When they cornered me, when they threatened my friends, they all but said they were leading to this. And noone listened. All people wanted was their hate, all they wanted was for her to leave. Noone wanted to knwo her, to talk to her, to give her a chance. Well, they got what they wanted, didn't they?"
"But- You don't think- She was right there..." Here is where a sheltered life is limiting to Aelan, as she utterly fails to comprehend what's happened through her shock. "Dara, you don't know yet what happened..." she says once she gets her words in order yet. "It could have just been one of those, what do they call them? People die suddenly sometimes."
Jiann makes her thoughts on that option known: she snorts. Since Essdara did not react terribly much to the contact, she next touches the other woman's hand. "I don't think /nothin'/ was done. Didn't the guards step up patrols an' such? 'Til that whole mess with the captain, I guess. An' it's true nobody knifed 'er or kidnapped 'er. 'Least, she didn't go missin', an' jus' now I didn't see no blood."
Essdara shakes her head slowly. "Medina said it wasn't her heart, and that she didn't die naturally. Aelan, you were close, you must have heard that. She was healthy, fit. There's no reason she would have just gone like that, with no warning. And Vanya, she was very careful to fidn the weyrwoman's glass..." A sigh, and a shudder. Briefly, her hand touches Jiann's. "It's not fair. She was wonderful, and she treated me so well, and then I couldn't see her. Things were supposed to get better, settle down, and we could talk again and it would be ok, and now... Now she's..." Trembling, now, her voice trails off as she struggles to stay coherent.
Aelan seems to slump, finding a place to lean one shoulder against the wall near Dara as her spirits fall. "Dara, it's not..." She stops then, sighing softly and reaching out to try to set a hand on her friend's shoulder, settling for silent comfort in her inability to do anything more.
"It ain't," Jiann agrees, and she briefly leans her head against Essdara's, a little more contact for comfort, or so she hopes. "But it does go on. It will, once y'done grievin'. S'alright t' mourn, now." She gives her friend's hand a little squeeze, then draws back slowly, just in case the nearness /isn't/ appreciated. After all, maybe Aelan and Essdara can better comfort each other, who knows.
Essdara doesn't seem to be in a place to argue over who is comforting her. As Jiann pulls away, Aelan away against a wall, Dara starts to cry, and to do a good job of it. Sobs, the full body kind, are quick to come as she slumps to her knees and just kneels there, letting the grief take over.
"Oh, hey," Aelan winces, pushing away from the wall and moving towards Dara, kneeling next to her. She's awkward, uncertain about how to deal with all of this, though she reaches out an arm to put it around the other girl's shoulders, looking up towards Jiann as though she make sure she's doing this right.
...That, Jiann did not expect. With a quiet sigh of sympathy for Essdara, she steps back close and sinks down to the ground by the younger woman. A slight twitch with one hand rearranges her skirts so she's not tripping over them, and then she takes Essdara's hand into both of her own, rubbing gently.
Essdara doesn't resist the attempts at comfort from either woman, going so far as to lean into the arm around her a bit, holding tightly to Jiann's hand as she cries. Once or twice, she tries to say something but it's lost in the sobs and sniffles and whimpers that seem to have taken over the cook.
As it seems the comforting isn't a complete failure, Aelan puts her other arm around Essdara as well, quiet. She sets her chin on the other girl's shoulder, rocking gently.
** Jiann ICly departs about here **
Essdara leans into Aelan more, cobbing against her for a long while. After a good quarter hour of crying, Dara finally starts to get some of herself back, the sobs subsiding into much softer whimpers. "I just... She was like... Like a mother, in so many ways, so much closer than my own... And all I wanted was for things to settle down, to get back to normal. Now they never can..."
"Oh, Dara," Aelan says softly, sympathetic. "I know...I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things will settle down. Things always settle down, eventually." She still rocks gently, rubbing a hand over Dara's back in a soothing motion. "It won't make her come back. Nothing can do that. But...the world won't end. Things will move on. Hopefully for the better, if-" She pauses, sobering. "We should talk to the Headmaster."
Essdara blinks, lifting her head a bit. The suggestion is so confusing to her that she stops crying at all to address it. "Sefton? Why would I want to talk to him? What's he got to do with any of this? He's never brought me anything but discomfort." She sighs, and leans back agaisnt Aelan. "Shards. I just... I feel so helpless, powerless. T'zen attacked, Aida kidnapped, the htreats I've gotten, this... I just want to run away. To leave the weyr and never come back. It's not home anymore, it's not safe, and I have nothing here now to make me want to live here."
"We should talk to the Headmaster because the Headmaster's likely to be the only person around here with his head still solidly on his shoulders," Aelan muses analytically. "All the bronzeriders and goldriders - well, it's just Sinopa left now, isn't it? Anyhow, all of them are going to be /massively/ effected by this. Brains all out of whack. If you want a spin on this so that it goes the way Yevide would have wanted it to, you need to talk to someone who knows how to spin, and can do it before the rest of them come out of their shock. And while the Caucus may be independent from the Weyr, he's the...Of everyone left, he's got the best likely chance of influencing how people think." She stops then, letting out a slow breath. "Dara, you can't leave. If you leave...they win. The isolationist bigots who made all these threats win. Is that what you want?"
Essdara's voice is anguished and angry all at once. "They already won! They wo months ago, Aelan! They won when this all started! Why should I stay? What have I got to stay for? What do I even have to live for here? To cook for a bunch of people who are so short-sigted, bigoted, and egocentric that they will let a wonderful person die just to prove a point?" A sigh. "Sefton... He will have his head on, but I don't trust him, and never will, Aelan. No, there's nothing for me there. There's nothing I can do but stay out of the way, not make myself a target, and... Be somewhere else."
"Dara, how do you expect anything to change if you run away?" Aelan asks, leaning back to put a hand on each of Dara's shoulders and hold her at arm's length. "Do you think the problem will just go away? Or is it okay to leave that sort of thing in the world just because you don't have to have any part in it? Is that any less short-sighted or egocentric, Dara?" she asks, firm.
Essdara punches her leg through her dress, "I don't /care/ anymore! I tried, Aelan, you have no idea how hard I tried to keep this from happened! /THEY TOLD ME/ they were going to do this! And noone would listen, noone took it seriously, and now she's /gone/. Noone would listen to me before, and they sure as between won't listen to me now, even if I had something to say! Sinopa will take over the Weyr, she'll have a new weyrleader soon enough, adn the whole lot can go between for all I care. I'm tired of it, Ae. Tired of fighting, tired of failing. Tired of tryingf to struggle for an ounce of recognition or love, and always ending up hurt and alone, and I just plain give up!"
"Dara..." Aelan trails off, letting out a heavy sigh and raising both hands. "Fine. You know, far be it from me to tell anyone else what they should or shouldn't do. Me, I'm stuck here for a few more years. So you know, it works for me to figure that something can be done. That something /will/ be done. The other Weyrs won't let High Reaches limp along with one queen. They can't afford to. Which means someone else will come in. And I'm guessing that when the morons behind all this anti-Igen sentiment realize that they're now being run by Sinopa? They'll rethink their tactics. But if you want to run away somewhere, I hear Igen's real pleasant. I can find you a place in Keroon or at the Beastcrafthall if you want, too. Just let me know."
Essdara growls in frustration. "Why should I care? Why should I, Aelan? What reason has anyone given for me to care? They dug their hole, why should I lie down it it?" She sighs and looks down. "All I have is people like you, my friends. And how many of them will still be there? Even you, you said yourself you have another three years here. After that... You'll just be gone." She sighs, and it's obvious she's trying not to cry more. "I wasn't alone when she was around. And now I am again."
"Dara, we're only as alone as we allow ourselves to be, haven't you told me that?" Aelan says quietly. "When I'm here and I feel like it's all a waste of time, like no one here gives a weyrling's muck-pile whether I'm here or not, hasn't it been you that's told me there are people here worth meeting, value to be found in all of this? Can you give that up for yourself?"
Essdara sighs. "I don't know, Aelan. I just... It hurts so much, and I just want to run away from it, and not have to feel it anymore. I just... It doesn't feel like home here, anyway. One of my best friends was kidnapped. Another, stabbed. A woman I loved more than anything was just killed, and I couldn't do a thing about it. I just... It's not home, all I feel is fear and despair."
"Do you truly believe that will change if you change your location, Dara?" Aelan asks, and she seems entirely serious about it. "Because if you want, I can talk to some people. Igen Weyr, Beastcraft Hall, Fishercraft Hall. Fisher'd at least be closer to here, if you changed your mind." She shifts, leaning back against the wall again as she watches you. "I'm sorry, Dara," she says after a moment, tipping her head back and looking away. "I'm not- I've never been good at this kind of thing. If you want something, you take it. You do something about it. So if what you want is gone, if that's what will make you feel better, than I'll do what I can. And if it's something else, then I'll do what I can for that, too. I just...I don't think running away will fix it."
Essdara says, softly, "You come from a different world than me, Aelan. You come from a world where what you want is only ever an asking away. I've struggled every day of my life just to be where I am, and mostly alone being there." She sighs, and moves over to sit next to her against the wall, leaning her head on Aelan's shoulder if allowed. "It's so hard to fight for every scrap. I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I just... Part of me wishes I hadn't been born, so then I wouldn't have to hurt all the time."
"Not everything I want, Dara," Aelan says quietly, resting her cheek against the top of Dara's head as she lets out a soft sigh. "And trust me, I know what you mean. Maybe it's been a little different, but the essence of it's the same. You just...You have to keep pushing. Somehow or another, you make it happen. You work over the hurt, until the hurt...goes away. Not that it ever does completely. But you can forget, for a time."
Essdara lapses quiet, resting against her friend with a soft sigh. She closes her eyes and puts her arm around the Holder's back, nestling closer, and for a few minutes all is quiet. Eventually, though, she does speak. "I'm sorry, Ae. I dunno if I have the strength to fight like you would. I... I will try, but I don't know. But... Thank you, for trying to help me."
"Sure you do, Dara," Aelan says, a brief, short laugh escaping. "You? Shards, Dara, you're stronger than I am. You've had a chance to actually live life, to build up those calluses. You've gone and gotten into things while I've just...avoided all of it. Dara, it hurts more because you took bigger chances. But remember that the payoff if bigger that way, too."
Essdara snorts, "Me? No, Aelan. I'm as weak as they come. Else I'd've not spent weeks not visiting someone dear to me, just cause of a few threats, you know?" She rubs her cheek lightly against Aelan's shoulder. "We could just both agree we're both strong, or both weak, I guess. I just... It hurts, and I want it to stop. DOn't care about rewards, just care about not hurting anymore."
"You can't stop hurting, Dara. The hurting lets you know you're alive." Aelan reaches out to wrap an arm around Dara's shoulders, rubbing firmly. "If you give up the hurt, you also give up the joy. That's how ups and downs work. You wouldn't hurt if you never knew joy."
Essdara sighs, softly. "Not had any of /that/ lately, I guess, which isn't helping. All in all, this turn has been... Terrible beyond words." A soft laugh. "And twice now, twice I put all my effort into being pretty and danceworthy, and in both cases, nothing came of it. Ah, well. At least that lesson is learned."
"Oh, shells," Aelan laughs at that. "That's never a sure bet. Trust me, they've trussed me up in these things often enough, and it hasn't yet ended up with an offer to Father. Or anything more interesting, for that matter."
Essdara rolls her eyes, sighing. "I didn't mean that - though you and N'tai looked good together, I add, and he's the type to offer more interesting as needed. I just meant dancing, and looking pretty and trying to be noticed. Not worth it, and since the first time, one of my friends was attacked, and the second time, this... I think I will give future parties a miss."
"Well, you could maybe stop wearing green," Aelan suggests with a faint, wry smile, flicking a finger at Dara's sleeve. "It looks great on you, but it's not the luckiest choice. And this coming from someone whose colors include it," she adds, flicking another finger at her own earring.
Essdara blushes a bit. "I didn't choose it." She mumbles. "It was a gift. Vanya's brother is a Weaver, and he has some things that, for whatever reason, the person they were meant for turned down. So when she asked for one for her, she got me one, too. Else I'd be wearing the same thing I did at turn's end, and that would have just been boring." A sigh, and she closes her eyes. "Thank you, Aelan." She says, quietly.
"Nothing to thank me for, Dara," Aelan dismisses gently. "I should be thanking you. I needed something useful to do as much as you needed a shoulder to cry on," she admits softly, still a little off-balance from the events of the evening, waiting for it all to sink in.
Essdara gives a little squeeze. "I do need one. Probably will for a while. I can still feel it there, trying to get out. But... I can ignore it, for now." She sighs. "I wonder, though... Do you get a failing grade in etiquette, for having someone murdered at your party?"
Aelan groans through a laugh, dropping her brow to Dara's shoulder. "I really hope not. Because if that was the case, then I'd have to cry, too. I don't think it counts if the party isn't the reason they got murdered," she decides.
"Probably not." Dara agrees, with a sound that is almost a laugh, but not quite. A brief, chaste peck in Aelan's hair, and a sigh. "It'll be remembered, that's for sure." Eyes close again and she rests against the wall. "I suppose." she says, in a voice that says whatever she is saying is unwelcome. "That I should go change out of this, and maybe think about sleeping."
"Or something," Aelan murmurs, sighing softly. "Something tells me there's going to be a lot of talking at the barracks tonight. I might wander around a bit myself."
Essdara makes a face. "Don't want to go back? Can't blame you. If you let me change, I'd be happy to stay with you... But I need out of this stuff, need to be... More like myself." A small shrug.
"No, I'll be all right," Aelan says with a small smile, gathering herself for a moment before pushing up carefully, brushing off her skirts, and offering down a hand. "You think you'll be all right?"
Essdara accepts the hand, and the help in standing up. She looks over at her friend for a long moment, then shrugs. "I dunno, Aelan. I really don't. Ask me again in a few months, and I will tell you if I am or not?" She steps in, hugging the other girl hard. "But I am trying, I promise. I won't run away."
"Good," Aelan approves, returning the hug tightly. "Because that would be another thing that would make me cry, and as soon as it gets cold here again, I'd totally be taking my life in my hands trying to ride out after you," she notes with a faint, wry smile before stepping back. "Take care, Dara."
"You'd never cry over me and you know it." Dara says, with a smirk. "You'd find me and make /me/ cry. Seeya around!" She turns, then, and dissapears into the dormatories, to change and, presumably, sleep.