Myshuno! 2012 Prompt: “The making of Goldberg & Silent Lady” (310 words)
The prompt for this story was “The making of Goldberg & Silent Lady,” submitted by katrisims. This story fits into Chapter 52 of Already in Progress, which hasn’t happened yet, but it isn’t really spoilery.
Rating: PG for crude language
Background
Goldberg & Silent Lady is a TV show written by one of my Sims. I use bits and pieces of an episode as transition markers/spacers in my story Already in Progress, and I wrote a full episode for the Go Fish! event.
Dramatis Personae
Richard Tellerman, who plays detective/lawyer Aaron Goldberg.
Rowena Hartford, who plays Goldberg’s secretary Silent Lady (she lives up to the name).
Abhijeet Fujiyama, who plays Goldberg's friend, kitsune homicide detective Akira Murakame.
Jimmy-Bob McCletus III, who plays Goldberg's nemesis, the aristocratic, powerful elf lord Ælfric Thornleaf.
Normally we would see that actors only in character, but this time they are being themselves.
Setting
The canteen of the Goldberg & Silent Lady studio during a filming break.
RICHARD (squinting at the script): “Adze dee boo - ” Oh, wait, I know that one. “Adze dee BUBbee volts hay hot, er, bay sim give aine - ”
ROWENA: That can’t be right. Lemme see. (reads) “Ass de BUBee vault gay hat bets him - ”
RICHARD: There isn’t an H in there.
ROWENA: Well, how do you pronounce that T-S combination, then?
ABHIJEET: “Zzzzz.” Like in “tsar.” “Zzzzzar.”
RICHARD: That doesn’t seem right. “Bay zzzzim give aine mane - ”
ROWENA: I think it’s “give vain.”
RICHARD: No, then there would be more letters.
ROWENA: “Gee vain”?
RICHARD: Or maybe “ghee vain”?
ABHIJEET: Are we sure it’s a hard G, like in “giddyup”? Maybe it’s a soft G, like in “George.” “Jeh VAIN.”
RICHARD: It’s Yiddish, not French.
ROWENA: Back of the throat. Not through the nose.
(Jimmy-Bob arrives and sits down)
JIMMY-BOB: Oh, are we havin’ a contest to see who kin shoot milk further out their nose? My record’s two foot. Who’s got a straw?
ROWENA: No, we’re trying to help Rick with his line.
JIMMY-BOB: Which one?
RICHARD: This one. (points) “Ahss de BUBee, er, vault - ”
JIMMY-BOB: (glances at script, then, dismissively) “As di bubbe volt gehat beytsim gevain mayn zaideh.”
RICHARD: Come again?
JIMMY-BOB: “As di bubbe volt gehat beytsim gevain mayn zaideh.”
(Everyone looks at him blankly)
JIMMY-BOB: (slowly) “As di bubbe volt gehat beytsim gevain mayn zaideh.” (as they keep staring) “If my grandmother had balls, she’d be my grandfather.” (as the staring continues) Oh, come on! Don’t tell me y’all never heard that!
(Everyone shakes their heads)
RICHARD: I hate to ask, but…
JIMMY-BOB: (heaves a huge, put-upon sigh) A’right, a’right, I’ll help ya with the pronunciation. (rolls his eyes) First it’s Abhijeet an’ his Japanese an’ now it’s you. Honestly what y’all would do without me, I do not know.
Note
The phrase quoted is a real Yiddish phrase, and the translation is accurate. However, I learned it from an Italian friend, who would rattle it off at lightning speed, so please don’t ask me how to pronounce it really.