The only one who maybe should have.

[errantways]

I've been feeling a bit off for the last 24 hours or so. Visited some hard memories last night, thought some painful thoughts. I thought the processing I did last night might be enough, in conjunction with sleeping in, to get away from the raw sense of it, but I woke up still feeling the faintest sting behind my eyes, one of the surest signs that

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I just wonder . . .

[miss_whiplash]

Was your dad any older than you are now when he had you?

I just wonder if he had a similar story to yours to tell, and whether you have survived better and made a better recovery than he did.

It's hard to see when you are young, but parents are really only older children.

In other thoughts . . there is a passivity in waiting to be chosen. I had a friend with just that attitude, she couldn't see that a relationship is something you work hard at. She doesn't speak to me now, and hasn't for over a decade because I told her that she couldn't just pick a man and make plans for him and then get upset when he didn't move in but instead someone else.

Re: I just wonder . . .

[errantways]

My father was 48 when I was born, we were his second family. I understand what you mean with your "parents are older children" comment. The more I remember these things the more I wonder what his story is. We'll see what happens, because I still haven't made a move towards talking to him.

Agree as well that waiting to be chosen is inherently passive and not, in general, a good way to go about it. That's why I have conceded that all the people I placed that expectation on, I shouldn't have. With my dad, the argument can't escape me that simply due to my youth and reliance on him as a parent, he might be the only person that had any degree of responsibility in making sure I didn't feel rejected by him, that I didn't ever have to feel like he didn't "choose" me. He (arguably) failed in his duty as a father.