"Amanda" - BtVS (Dawn/Amanda) - PG-13
Dawn Summers’ Journal -- August 24
I took Buffy for a ride today.
I don’t know if this is some kind of deep-down racial centaur thing, but I really have a problem with the idea of letting just anyone ride me. (Yeah, I know… har-dee-har-har). As much as the two of us had been fighting, I don’t think Buffy would have qualified until pretty recently. Lately, though, she seems to have gotten more of a grip.
Her being with Satsu is part of the improvement, I’m sure. Also, ever since that trip to the future she seems to be thinking a lot more about her friendships… with Xander, with me, and especially with Willow. Maybe someday I’ll even find out the whole story of what went on there in future-land.
Going riding was my idea. Buffy nearly ruined it by threatening to yell “Hi ho Sister,” but I pointed the ditch out to her and explained how quickly she could be in it, if she did any such thing. She reconsidered.
So we’re riding along, talking, and finally Buffy brings up the subject of what do I think about her recently… evolving… love life. Does it bother me?
I tell her I think Satsu is the coolest, and that they’re totally beautiful together. I make the point to her that she’s still hooked up with more vampires than women, and the Crazy Train of her relationships left the station a long time ago. Her being with Satsu is positively normal by comparison.
“So the idea of your sister being with another woman doesn’t freak you out?” she asks.
And I think for a little bit, and decide it’s finally time I told her about Amanda…
* * * * *
Dawn wondered if any of the Potentials would get any actual sleep that night. It was getting late and most of them had already turned in, occupying their various sleeping bags, futons, sofas, recliners, or just spots on the floor.
Lying down and closing their eyes was one thing, sleeping quite another. Tomorrow they would all troop over to Sunnydale High and do their best to defeat the First Evil of the world, and its vast army of super-vampires.
Not much to ask of a bunch of teenaged girls.
Dawn found Amanda sitting cross-legged in a little nook, with a blanket and three pillows, reading a book.
“Getting in a little last minute demonology homework?” Dawn asked, sitting down beside her.
Amanda looked up, startled, and gave Dawn a little smile.
“Just boning up on Rogues, actually,” she said. Dawn looked at her blankly. “I’ve been gaming with Mr. Giles and Andrew and Xander. I had a kick-ass Sorceress, but Andrew killed her with a grudge monster because I nailed his stupid Burninator with a time flux.” She rolled her eyes. “So I’m thinking Rogue is my best choice for my next character.”
Dawn laughed. “I always knew nerds would save the world someday.”
Amanda smiled and put down her book. The two girls looked at each other in silence for a bit.
“So,” said Amanda after a while. “Gonna be in on the fighting tomorrow?”
“I don’t know. I think my Mighty Fire Extinguisher of Doom is in the shop. I’ll have to make do with a sword or something. I’ll be with Xander. Not down in the hole with you guys.”
“Good. I mean, good that you won’t be in the heavy fighting. Not that you aren’t good at it - you can kick ass, especially when you’re pissed off. I just… I’ll be a lot happier knowing you’re safe. Or safer, at least. I guess it’s up to us whether anybody’s safe ever again.”
“It’ll be okay,” Dawn said.
“No it won’t,” Amanda said softly. “Some of us are gonna die tomorrow, Dawn. Maybe all of us. I mean… I’m sixteen years old. I’m supposed to be in school, going to swing choir practice and not getting asked on dates and getting sent to Mr. Wood’s office for fighting with bullies.”
“I think about it, and it’s like… how can this really be happening? Am I really gonna have to go fight an army of demons tomorrow? For real? Can’t I just… you know, say I have a stomach ache and go lie down in the nurse’s office?”
Dawn couldn’t think of anything to do but put her arms around Amanda and hold her tight. She wished she knew what to say. But the skin of Amanda’s face and neck felt so soft and warm, and her long brown hair mingled with Dawn’s to form a chestnut cascade that hid them from the world outside for just a little while. Neither of them were in any hurry to let go.
“….Dawn?”
“Hmm?”
“Did you know you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen?”
Dawn laughed, surprised. “What? You’re crazy.”
“I know. But you’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”
Dawn took Amanda’s hands in her own and smiled at her. “Thank you,” she said. “That’s so sweet of you to say.”
“Thanks for coming to see me tonight.”
Dawn looked into Amanda’s eyes. Amanda wasn’t considered very pretty - at least by the boys of Sunnydale High - but she had the loveliest blue eyes. Dawn remembered evenings when they’d gotten together to do homework. Amanda would be poring over her books, quietly singing a song that her choir had been rehearsing. She’d look up from her books at Dawn, and Dawn would wonder how anyone couldn’t be enchanted with those eyes and that voice.
Tonight has to be special, Dawn decided. What am I gonna do, after all? Wait for the right time? She leaned forward and kissed Amanda softly on the lips.
Amanda made a noise that made Dawn smile, and looked at her in astonishment. “Did… did you just do that?”
“Yep. I just did that.”
Amanda stared at her.
“I think…” But whatever Dawn had been going to say was lost as Amanda’s mouth was suddenly on hers, kissing her so hard it took her breath away.
Dawn’s head swam. She’d never been kissed like this before, and she was pretty sure Amanda never had either. Amanda’s arms groped around as if searching for something to hold on to for dear life. Without breaking the kiss, Dawn caught them up and guided them around her own waist.
Trembling, the two girls lost themselves in each other. Dawn couldn’t imagine ever wanting it to end. There was the exciting, forbidden thrill of feeling another girl’s tongue in her mouth, of course, but there was an extra special warm something too. She loved the way this made her feel, all over.
Several times Dawn was aware of Potentials passing by in the hallway. They couldn’t help but notice the two girls in the nook, but none of them said anything. They know tonight is special too. Regular rules don’t apply.
When the kiss finally ended, Amanda swallowed hard. She kept her eyes closed for a while, as if opening them might cause the spell to break. Dawn smiled at her, and leaned in and nuzzled Amanda’s nose with her own until she got a smile in return.
“Can I spend the night here with you?” Dawn asked.
“Yes, please.” Amanda smiled gratefully.
As they curled up in each other’s arms under Amanda’s blanket, still in the same clothes they’d worn all day, Dawn thought about how this was the first time she’d ever sleep snuggled up next to someone, not counting Mom and Dad or Buffy on those childhood nights when thunderstorms or bad dreams came calling.
Still makes my lower lip wobble when I think about how none of those memories are real, she thought. But this one is.
“Dawn?” came Amanda’s small voice in the darkness.
“What is it, Amanda?”
“I think I… I…”
“What?” Dawn stroked Amanda’s cheek, and felt a kiss on her fingers.
“…I’ll tell you tomorrow. After the fight.”
Dawn was quiet for a long moment. “Promise me you will, Amanda. Promise you’ll come see me right after the fight’s over and tell me what you want to say.”
“I promise.”
The two girls lay there, entwined in silence, until the merciless morning arrived.
* * * * *
And that’s about all there is to say, I told Buffy. The next day we went to the fight at the Hellmouth. We won. But Amanda didn’t come back to see me.
Buffy cried then. She put her arms tight around me and told me how she never knew… how Amanda was so brave and how much she missed her and how sorry she was. And then Buffy told me she loved me more than anything else in the whole world.
I cried a little too. Not over Amanda… I’d already shed as many tears over her as anyone ever could. I cried because of Buffy hugging me and telling me she loved me. It’s so nice to have her back… my big sister who loves me, who died for me, who’s always been my hero even when I was at my brattiest. It’s nice to have her back at least for a little while.
Buffy says people really do go to Heaven when they die. She knows because she’s been there. I hope that Amanda is there now, nice and safe and happy. And I like to think that maybe, she’s allowed to come and see me, like she promised.
Because sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason, and even though I’m alone it feels like someone’s been there with me. There’s that hush like when someone has just finished singing. I can’t remember the song, but somehow I know it was for me.
And I say, “I love you too, Amanda.”