No Need To Cry 3/?
Title: Twist The Knife
Pairing: Callie/Erica
Rating: PG-13 for now (will go up in further chapters)
Summary: Callie has a lot to deal with and doesn't really know how to deal with any of it.
Discalimer: In my journal.
It’s nearing 5:00 by the time that I make it to Arizona’s apartment. The doorman lets me up with a smile because he’s seen me come in with her on numerous occasions. This is usually where we spend the night together. I’m not sure if it’s because of Cristina or what, but we always end up here. And I’m not sure whether it’s always me or her that insists on that. I never realized that before.
I ride the elevator up trying to count the number of times that we have actually been in my bed at home. The number is very low and I haven’t even gotten to another hand when the elevator dings, letting me know that I’ve reached Arizona’s floor. I have to tell her… what? I still haven’t figured that out. I don’t know what to tell myself let alone someone else. I really don’t want to hurt her but I know that inevitable.
I step out of the lift and the doors close quickly, making me jump a little from the unexpected noise. It should be expected but I’ve been so inside my head today, I wouldn’t expect for the sun to set and night to fall. So, I guess I’ve also learned to expect the unexpected and vice versa. Why am I thinking about expecting things? Arizona certainly isn’t expecting me to break up with her. Or is she?
That thought runs through my head. What if she already heard that Erica is going to be my father’s surgeon? What if she is expecting me to break up with her? Or worse, for me to take her with me to see my father. I don’t think that she would expect that, though. She knows how my father handled the fact that I was even dating her, but to bring her with me while his life is still in danger is out of the question. But like I said, expect the unexpected.
The only way to find out is to knock on the door and talk to her. That sounds like an easy task but it’s really so much more. Like Mark pointed out to me, we’ve only been dating four months and we’re already having serious problems. It’s been almost a week since we’ve had a real, full out conversation. It’s been almost two weeks since we’ve spent time together outside of work and it was to go out to dinner that ended very badly.
I had mentioned that I loved Thai food but there were only a few Thai restaurants around us that I liked. I told her about two different places and that I liked one but not the other. It was a lie because that one I told her I didn’t like was my favorite. Erica and I would always go there. That’s why it was my favorite. Arizona tried to surprise me by taking me to dinner but took me to that Thai place. She said she got the names mixed up. I was so upset but I couldn’t tell her why. I felt bad for making her think it was her that I was upset about but I just wasn’t thinking about anyone other than Erica and how much I missed being there with her. So we ended up taking food home instead of staying and I went home before she could offer me anything for dessert.
That’s why it’s a little difficult to talk to her right now. But I know that it’s something I have to do in order to go to Miami. I have to do this in order to be around Erica. I stand in front of her door with my hand raised to knock when it opens. I pull my hand back from being startled and look at Arizona. She doesn’t look that upset so she isn’t expecting me to break up with her but I can tell that she wasn’t expecting to even see me at all.
Her hair is down and I can tell that she has just finished curling it because it bounces when she takes a step back from the door as well. She reapplied her makeup and went a little darker around her eyes. I can tell that she is ready to go out for the evening.
“Hi,” she says to me. I can tell she’s a little startled by seeing me because her voice isn’t as confidant as usual.
“Hey. Good timing, huh?” I tried to joke but I quickly discovered it was not the right thing to do.
“Umm, actually, no it’s not. I was just on my way out.”
“Oh. Is there any way that you could talk to me before you leave? I really need to talk to you.”
“Not really, Calliope. I’ve been waiting for over two weeks for you to decide when you’re going to need to talk to me and I don’t want to wait anymore. So you’ll have to be the one to wait this time.” She’s pissed and I know she’s pissed. She has a right to be pissed.
“I’m sorry. This can’t really wait,” I say. I know I’m just going to get her angrier with me but I have to tell her something.
“Too bad! I’m leaving, move so I can close the door behind me.” She goes to walk around me but I step in her way. “Calliope, I have to go!”
“I’m leaving for Miami tonight. I need to talk to you before I leave.” I don’t think trying to reason with her is going too well.
“Why do you all of a sudden need to talk to me? I need to leave. This can wait until you get back. You won’t be gone for very long.”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” It comes out of my mouth before I know what’s going on. That halts her movement completely. She looks at me from where she was trying to get past me and I feel terrible. I must look as lost as I feel because her eyes are moving so fast it’s hard to keep track of them. They are trying to read me or judge my expression but she must not be able to do either because she soon gives up and takes a step back.
“You don’t mean that, Calliope. I know that you’re upset about your father, but you’re going to need someone to be there for you. I can be that person.”
“I can’t have you be that person and this isn’t even about my father.”
“Of course it is! You were so upset by his reaction to us dating that you were thinking about telling him that you broke up with me. You can still tell him that if you think it’s going to make him feel better. But we don’t really have to break up.” She’s going on and on about something that happened months ago. And something that has nothing to do with what’s going on right now.
We’ve made our way back into her apartment by now where she threw her purse down on the closest chair. The jacket that was in her hands quickly follows. She continues walking into the room and starts to pace a little. I want her to stop and look at me when I speak to her but I can see that’s not going to happen so I talk to her while she’s pacing.
“I’m not breaking up with you because I want to please my father. If I wanted to do that, I would have done it a long time ago. Arizona, this has to do with you and me. And it has nothing to do with my father or even that he’s sick. I can’t do this anymore.”
She stops then. She just sort of freezes. Not looking at me and not looking away from me. Her hands are still in mid air because I have a feeling she was going to try to make another point and what I said to her caught her a little off guard. She finally turns to look at me.
“Do what, Calliope? We haven’t been doing much of anything lately.”
“Exactly! That’s my point. We haven’t and the only thing we do seem to do when we’re together is fight. I don’t like to fight with people and I try to avoid it so I’ve been avoiding you. That’s no way to have a relationship. I’m sorry.” I don’t know what else to say.
She’s still standing and looks like she’s trying to digest the information that I’m telling her. I have to wonder if she’s even noticed this pattern because it happens every time we argue about something. She’ll get angry and I won’t talk to her about it and I continue to avoid her so she can’t bring it up again. She must just think that I’m angry with her from the fight and avoid because of that. I guess I can understand that. She walks over to me and takes my hand to lead me to the couch in the sitting area.
“But we can fix that. We can work on that. Every relationship has things that you can work on,” she tries to reason with me. There is no reasoning with me on this, though. I’ve made up my mind.
“I really care about you, I do, and I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I don’t know if I have it in me to try that hard. I can’t make my feelings for you stronger. I thought that they would grow as we moved forward in our relationship, but they haven’t. I do care about you, but not enough to be your partner.”
“What does that mean?” She sounds so lost and I hate that I know I’m the one who made her feel that way.
“It means, I would love to stay your friend but I can’t be your girlfriend.”
“Oh,” she says in a small voice. I hate to look at her now because she has tears in her eyes. “Can you at least tell me something? You owe it to me to be honest with me.”
“Anything,” I say.
“Is this about Erica? I heard that she’s going to be operating on your father. Is she the reason you’re doing this?”
“I’m going to be honest with you because I do owe you that much. I won’t lie and say that it has nothing to do with her because it does. Not just that she’s operating on my father. I think that she’s been there in the back of my head since the day she left. I think that she’s the reason I can’t move forward with you. Because I wanted to do that with her and I never got the chance.”
“Oh.”
“And I’m doing this because we haven’t really been happy with the way things are between us. We deserve better than that. You deserve a girl who is so totally into you because you’re so great. I wish I could be that girl, but I can’t.”
“If Erica weren’t in the picture, would we stand a chance?” she asked softly.
“I’m not sure. I never even knew I liked women until Erica so I have no idea. Maybe, maybe not. I do care about you though. You do have to know that.”
I want to make her believe that she meant something more to me than just a place holder. I feel like I’ve been using her to try and get over Erica, which would and could never happen. Erica is and always will be first and foremost in my mind.
“I do know that. I just feel so stupid.”
“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong. I know that you’re the one being hurt here, but it has nothing to do with something you did. It’s what I did to Erica. That’s what this is all about and I’m sorry that you’re the one that has to get hurt. That’s the last thing I wanted.”
“I hope that you get to be happy. It’s going to take a little while, but I hope that we can stay friends, but please give me time. I don’t know if I can see you happy with Erica right away.” There’s a tremor in her voice that makes me so sad to hear. She’s shaking as she speaks almost as if the thought scares her that much.
“I don’t think that’s going to be happening anytime soon. I just know that I have to try to change the way everything ended between us because I can’t live with myself if I don’t. She was the first person to really love me and see me for who I am. I need that person back in my life.” That’s as honest as I can be with her.
I don’t want to prolong any kind of emotional pain on Arizona, so I make the rest of our Goodbye, quick. I give her a hug and tell her that she means a lot to me and thank her for helping me deal with Erica not being there. It’s strange to think of it as a pattern but it seems that I’ve fallen into one. I’m hurt by one person and picked up by another only to fall in love with that person and then get hurt again. Only this time I’m the one doing the hurting. Erica picked me up after George and then threw me down twice as hard for Arizona to pick me up again. I hate that I have to hurt her, but there’s no other way.
Pairing: Callie/Erica
Rating: PG-13 for now (will go up in further chapters)
Summary: Callie has a lot to deal with and doesn't really know how to deal with any of it.
Discalimer: In my journal.
It’s nearing 5:00 by the time that I make it to Arizona’s apartment. The doorman lets me up with a smile because he’s seen me come in with her on numerous occasions. This is usually where we spend the night together. I’m not sure if it’s because of Cristina or what, but we always end up here. And I’m not sure whether it’s always me or her that insists on that. I never realized that before.
I ride the elevator up trying to count the number of times that we have actually been in my bed at home. The number is very low and I haven’t even gotten to another hand when the elevator dings, letting me know that I’ve reached Arizona’s floor. I have to tell her… what? I still haven’t figured that out. I don’t know what to tell myself let alone someone else. I really don’t want to hurt her but I know that inevitable.
I step out of the lift and the doors close quickly, making me jump a little from the unexpected noise. It should be expected but I’ve been so inside my head today, I wouldn’t expect for the sun to set and night to fall. So, I guess I’ve also learned to expect the unexpected and vice versa. Why am I thinking about expecting things? Arizona certainly isn’t expecting me to break up with her. Or is she?
That thought runs through my head. What if she already heard that Erica is going to be my father’s surgeon? What if she is expecting me to break up with her? Or worse, for me to take her with me to see my father. I don’t think that she would expect that, though. She knows how my father handled the fact that I was even dating her, but to bring her with me while his life is still in danger is out of the question. But like I said, expect the unexpected.
The only way to find out is to knock on the door and talk to her. That sounds like an easy task but it’s really so much more. Like Mark pointed out to me, we’ve only been dating four months and we’re already having serious problems. It’s been almost a week since we’ve had a real, full out conversation. It’s been almost two weeks since we’ve spent time together outside of work and it was to go out to dinner that ended very badly.
I had mentioned that I loved Thai food but there were only a few Thai restaurants around us that I liked. I told her about two different places and that I liked one but not the other. It was a lie because that one I told her I didn’t like was my favorite. Erica and I would always go there. That’s why it was my favorite. Arizona tried to surprise me by taking me to dinner but took me to that Thai place. She said she got the names mixed up. I was so upset but I couldn’t tell her why. I felt bad for making her think it was her that I was upset about but I just wasn’t thinking about anyone other than Erica and how much I missed being there with her. So we ended up taking food home instead of staying and I went home before she could offer me anything for dessert.
That’s why it’s a little difficult to talk to her right now. But I know that it’s something I have to do in order to go to Miami. I have to do this in order to be around Erica. I stand in front of her door with my hand raised to knock when it opens. I pull my hand back from being startled and look at Arizona. She doesn’t look that upset so she isn’t expecting me to break up with her but I can tell that she wasn’t expecting to even see me at all.
Her hair is down and I can tell that she has just finished curling it because it bounces when she takes a step back from the door as well. She reapplied her makeup and went a little darker around her eyes. I can tell that she is ready to go out for the evening.
“Hi,” she says to me. I can tell she’s a little startled by seeing me because her voice isn’t as confidant as usual.
“Hey. Good timing, huh?” I tried to joke but I quickly discovered it was not the right thing to do.
“Umm, actually, no it’s not. I was just on my way out.”
“Oh. Is there any way that you could talk to me before you leave? I really need to talk to you.”
“Not really, Calliope. I’ve been waiting for over two weeks for you to decide when you’re going to need to talk to me and I don’t want to wait anymore. So you’ll have to be the one to wait this time.” She’s pissed and I know she’s pissed. She has a right to be pissed.
“I’m sorry. This can’t really wait,” I say. I know I’m just going to get her angrier with me but I have to tell her something.
“Too bad! I’m leaving, move so I can close the door behind me.” She goes to walk around me but I step in her way. “Calliope, I have to go!”
“I’m leaving for Miami tonight. I need to talk to you before I leave.” I don’t think trying to reason with her is going too well.
“Why do you all of a sudden need to talk to me? I need to leave. This can wait until you get back. You won’t be gone for very long.”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” It comes out of my mouth before I know what’s going on. That halts her movement completely. She looks at me from where she was trying to get past me and I feel terrible. I must look as lost as I feel because her eyes are moving so fast it’s hard to keep track of them. They are trying to read me or judge my expression but she must not be able to do either because she soon gives up and takes a step back.
“You don’t mean that, Calliope. I know that you’re upset about your father, but you’re going to need someone to be there for you. I can be that person.”
“I can’t have you be that person and this isn’t even about my father.”
“Of course it is! You were so upset by his reaction to us dating that you were thinking about telling him that you broke up with me. You can still tell him that if you think it’s going to make him feel better. But we don’t really have to break up.” She’s going on and on about something that happened months ago. And something that has nothing to do with what’s going on right now.
We’ve made our way back into her apartment by now where she threw her purse down on the closest chair. The jacket that was in her hands quickly follows. She continues walking into the room and starts to pace a little. I want her to stop and look at me when I speak to her but I can see that’s not going to happen so I talk to her while she’s pacing.
“I’m not breaking up with you because I want to please my father. If I wanted to do that, I would have done it a long time ago. Arizona, this has to do with you and me. And it has nothing to do with my father or even that he’s sick. I can’t do this anymore.”
She stops then. She just sort of freezes. Not looking at me and not looking away from me. Her hands are still in mid air because I have a feeling she was going to try to make another point and what I said to her caught her a little off guard. She finally turns to look at me.
“Do what, Calliope? We haven’t been doing much of anything lately.”
“Exactly! That’s my point. We haven’t and the only thing we do seem to do when we’re together is fight. I don’t like to fight with people and I try to avoid it so I’ve been avoiding you. That’s no way to have a relationship. I’m sorry.” I don’t know what else to say.
She’s still standing and looks like she’s trying to digest the information that I’m telling her. I have to wonder if she’s even noticed this pattern because it happens every time we argue about something. She’ll get angry and I won’t talk to her about it and I continue to avoid her so she can’t bring it up again. She must just think that I’m angry with her from the fight and avoid because of that. I guess I can understand that. She walks over to me and takes my hand to lead me to the couch in the sitting area.
“But we can fix that. We can work on that. Every relationship has things that you can work on,” she tries to reason with me. There is no reasoning with me on this, though. I’ve made up my mind.
“I really care about you, I do, and I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I don’t know if I have it in me to try that hard. I can’t make my feelings for you stronger. I thought that they would grow as we moved forward in our relationship, but they haven’t. I do care about you, but not enough to be your partner.”
“What does that mean?” She sounds so lost and I hate that I know I’m the one who made her feel that way.
“It means, I would love to stay your friend but I can’t be your girlfriend.”
“Oh,” she says in a small voice. I hate to look at her now because she has tears in her eyes. “Can you at least tell me something? You owe it to me to be honest with me.”
“Anything,” I say.
“Is this about Erica? I heard that she’s going to be operating on your father. Is she the reason you’re doing this?”
“I’m going to be honest with you because I do owe you that much. I won’t lie and say that it has nothing to do with her because it does. Not just that she’s operating on my father. I think that she’s been there in the back of my head since the day she left. I think that she’s the reason I can’t move forward with you. Because I wanted to do that with her and I never got the chance.”
“Oh.”
“And I’m doing this because we haven’t really been happy with the way things are between us. We deserve better than that. You deserve a girl who is so totally into you because you’re so great. I wish I could be that girl, but I can’t.”
“If Erica weren’t in the picture, would we stand a chance?” she asked softly.
“I’m not sure. I never even knew I liked women until Erica so I have no idea. Maybe, maybe not. I do care about you though. You do have to know that.”
I want to make her believe that she meant something more to me than just a place holder. I feel like I’ve been using her to try and get over Erica, which would and could never happen. Erica is and always will be first and foremost in my mind.
“I do know that. I just feel so stupid.”
“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong. I know that you’re the one being hurt here, but it has nothing to do with something you did. It’s what I did to Erica. That’s what this is all about and I’m sorry that you’re the one that has to get hurt. That’s the last thing I wanted.”
“I hope that you get to be happy. It’s going to take a little while, but I hope that we can stay friends, but please give me time. I don’t know if I can see you happy with Erica right away.” There’s a tremor in her voice that makes me so sad to hear. She’s shaking as she speaks almost as if the thought scares her that much.
“I don’t think that’s going to be happening anytime soon. I just know that I have to try to change the way everything ended between us because I can’t live with myself if I don’t. She was the first person to really love me and see me for who I am. I need that person back in my life.” That’s as honest as I can be with her.
I don’t want to prolong any kind of emotional pain on Arizona, so I make the rest of our Goodbye, quick. I give her a hug and tell her that she means a lot to me and thank her for helping me deal with Erica not being there. It’s strange to think of it as a pattern but it seems that I’ve fallen into one. I’m hurt by one person and picked up by another only to fall in love with that person and then get hurt again. Only this time I’m the one doing the hurting. Erica picked me up after George and then threw me down twice as hard for Arizona to pick me up again. I hate that I have to hurt her, but there’s no other way.