Technical Difficulties 1/2
Title: TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES (1/2)
Pairing: Yunho/Changmin
Author: vaguelynormal and enigmaxempress
Rating: NC-17
Warning: loads of crack, WTF-ery, sexy times - oh, and a vibrating cock.
Summary: In which, Yunho buys a robot. Chaos ensues.
A/N: Another collab!fic. We’ve become rather shameless and are quite proud :D
Yunho splutters his way through another shot of whiskey.
Jaejoong claps him on the back, ‘Toughen up, princess.’
Yunho just nods, peering around the room through teary eyes. The party is large enough to lose track of friends, people filling the rooms of the house but there are no wild antics like Yunho’s seen in the movies. People talk in groups, but Yunho doesn’t recognise anyone besides Junsu whose already passed out and sporting a drawn on moustache with matching sideburns.
After a few drinks, Junsu’s new look is almost sexy to Yunho.
Jaejoong throws an arm around his shoulders and leads Yunho into the next room, whispering into his ear, ‘Now there are a few people you should meet,’ Jaejoong takes a swig from his beer and hands it to Yunho. ‘That’s Yoochun, major sleaze bag,’ Jaejoong nods in the direction of a thin man with wavy hair about to pitch backwards over the arm of the couch.
‘Over there, looking like a retarded puppy, that’s Ryeowook- he totally wants me,’ Jaejoong smirks, and when the tiny male looks their way, Jaejoong leans forward and licks Yunho’s cheek in a vulgar fashion. Yunho wipes at his cheek, grimacing but let’s the man swing them round another corner, coming to stop in front of a couch.
‘And this,’ Jaejoong says loudly, ‘Is Changmin. He’s a robot.’ Jaejoong nods sagely and then Yunho is being shoved forward until he tumbles on top of the young man on the couch, completely lacking coordination and letting out an unmanly yelp.
‘Ooh and that’s Daesung!’ Jaejoong squeals, ‘He totally wants me too,’ Jaejoong flees the scene.
A robot? Yunho stalls his initial reaction to scramble away and gives in to curiosity. The body he'd landed on was hard - like metal? - and lean. It's also warm, not at all cold like he'd imagined robots to be but then again he'd never been this close to one before. There weren't that many in Gwangju and those looked ancient and were very obviously not human. But he's learned on his way out of the countryside that Seoul was teeming with them. Still he'd never encountered one up close; there was always a screen or glass in the middle and he'd never had a proper look. The one beneath him seemed so real and life-like! Yunho takes a moment to awe at the wonders of technology.
"A-are you really a r-robot?" he asks stupidly, cursing his stammer for the nth time. It only seemed to get worse after he'd left the comfort and security of home for the big city. And did the "robot's" eyebrow just twitch?
"What do you think?"
"I-"
Changmin’s face is overtly handsome, his skin like flawless silk- a real work of art and Yunho leans in closer, looking for seams. The robot doesn’t flinch at the proximity but something about the man’s face makes Yunho question the credibility of Jaejoong’s statement. His mouth mere centimeters from the other man’s lips, Yunho makes a decision: when in doubt, check the wiring.
Yunho swallows back his nerves, letting the alcohol take over as he slides a hand down and gropes between the robot’s legs. A strange quiet falls over the both of them as they maintain eye contact, Yunho’s hand more than full with Changmin’s…equipment.
Yunho blinks and swears that in the cocoon of awkward silence he can hear the wet sound of his eyeballs. That and a few stray tumbleweeds rolling by, but the man doesn’t even wince and Yunho’s never come across anyone that big so he lets out a triumphant, ‘A-ha!’
Changmin opens his mouth to say something when they are interrupted.
‘Ooh handsy!’ Yoochun suddenly swaggers onto the scene, ‘I like it,’ and he jumps forward, tackling Yunho until he’s lying sprawled on Changmin’s lap, Yoochun’s tongue down his throat.
The sudden switch from vertical to horizontal has Yunho reeling. One minute he’s got a hand on Changmin’s rather impressive penis and the next he’s clutching at air. There are kneecaps digging painfully into his back and Yoochun’s skinny frame doesn’t do much for his front except for the thigh Yoochun’s got pressed up against his crotch. That much pressure along with the jeans in a size too small that Jaejoong had forced onto him and the alcohol throwing him in loops leave Yunho no choice but to moan in response to Yoochun’s enthusiastic ministrations.
It’s all tongue: wet and sloppy. Yoochun smells like cigarettes and tastes like nicotine and whiskey, a combination that’d usually have Yunho running in the other direction, but having the same things running through his veins have him doing the opposite. The tiny, more rational part of him protests the way he cants his hips into Yoochun’s drunken frotting, but his earlier shots of whiskey start to kick in and after that it’s doing anything to relieve the building ache in his groin.
Maybe it’s being drunk or his cock waiting to explode any second but Yoochun’s technique seems to improve. Yoochun’s got a hand cupping his erection and his mouth is sucking something horrendous at his throat. Outside the haze of alcohol and lust Yunho’s aware of catcalls and whoops - all of which only spur Yunho on. He’s close - so close - he doesn’t even notice painful jab of knees underneath him. There’s a sort of rhythm to the forceful prodding and Yunho rides it, using it to bring him that much closer to the edge Yoochun’s got him walking. Yoochun squeezes particularly hard and -
Yunho cries out in release the same time he and Yoochun are shoved forcefully off the couch. Someone yelps - Yunho isn’t sure if its him - then there’s a crash and dull pain in his side.
Everything goes black.
When Yunho comes to, it’s to the sound of shouting voices.
‘Why does the slut have to sleep on my bed?’ Changmin whines.
‘You’re the one who probably gave him concussion!’ Jaejoong reasons.
‘And Yoochun probably gave him STDs- I don’t see why we have to look after him,’ Changmin yells.
‘I have diseases now?’ Yunho sits up, looking horrified, mouth agape.
‘No,’ Yoochun denies as Junsu laughs and says, ‘Totally!’
Jaejoong just nods along until Yoochun pushes him out the way, sitting on the bed beside Yunho, ‘Yah, you guys are assholes! Yunbaby,’ Yoochun croons, letting his hand crawl up Yunho’s thigh, ‘Don’t listen to their lies, they’re jealous of what we share together.’
‘Chlamydia?’ Changmin deadpans and there’s an awkward squawking as Junsu doubles over, trying to muffle his laughter.
Yunho looks distressed as he looks back and forth between Yoochun’s unsettling sleazy smile and the floor Junsu is denting with the force of his slaps as he laughs hysterically. Jaejoong takes a seat, pushing Yoochun to join Junsu on the floor.
‘Yunho, I’m sure Changmin will help you out- he does medical tests and stuff,’ Jaejoong grins.
‘Robots can do those tests too?” Yunho asks incredulously, ‘How?’
‘You bend over,’ Yoochun chirps from his spot on the carpet, ‘And then-‘
‘Okay,’ Jaejoong interjects, ‘So Yunho, you seem to remember Changmin despite your potential concussion and now that Min has met our new roommate, I think we should all retire for the evening. Changmin, you're relegated to the couch until we get the newbie a mattress. Stay classy, ladies,’ Jaejoong pats Yunho on the back and saunters from the room.
When Jaejoong exits Yunho stares at Yoochun wide eyed and hesitates before asking, “Do we really - ?”
Yoochun rolls his eyes and sighs in exasperation. “No. I don’t have Chlamydia or any other STDs and neither do you.”
“He doesn’t,” Junsu agrees, still looking breathless from his earlier hilarity. “Just crabs. Oh wait.” Junsu bursts out laughing. Again.
“That I got from you!” Yoochun protests, outraged. He tackles Junsu by the middle and they wrestle each other on the floor.
“Why is this my life?” Changmin mutters as he watches YooSu rape the rug his mother had sent him as a house-warming present when he’d first moved out.
“C-crabs?”
Changmin scowls at the usurper, glaring as he grabs a feather duster from under his bed and chucks it at the two still rolling around violently on the floor. It hits Yoochun on the wide expanse of his forehead before bouncing off Junsu’s ass.
“Ow!” Yoochun exclaims, slapping a hand against his forehead. “You wanna give me a concussion too?!”
“GET. OUT.” Changmin declares imperiously with the eye of the devil. He focuses it on Yunho. “You too.”
“B-but Jaejoong said - ”
“I know what Jaejoong said,” Changmin cuts in. “But if you think I’m going to let you sleep on my sheets with genital warts or whatever sexually transmitted diseases Yoochun’s infected with these days - ”
“You’ve got genitals warts now, too?” Junsu interrupts.
Yoochun splutters. “For the last time, I DO NOT HAVE STDs!”
From somewhere else in the apartment, Jaejoong yells, “Acceptance is the first step to recovery!”
Changmin sighs loudly in exasperation, pinching the bridge of his nose with two fingers. “Don’t you two have places you need to be? Other people you have to annoy? Go home.” He throws a scathing look at Yunho. “I need to clear some of my stuff before I let you use my room.”
Junsu wrinkles his nose at Changmin, dislodging himself from the cage of Yoochun’s legs around his middle. “Way to channel your inner grumpy old man Changmin-ah, we’ve got to leave anyway.”
“We do?” Yoochun asks, looking lonely by himself on the floor.
“Didn’t you say you wanted to stop by Heechul’s shop?” Yoochun’s face brightens.
“Oh, yeah! You should come with, Yunho.” Yoochun says, getting up and pulling Yunho out of Changmin’s bed. “Changmin probably wants to be left alone to ‘plug in’ or whatever it is that robots do by themselves these days.”
“I’m not - ”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Yoochun says, waving away his words with a hand while simultaneously steering Yunho out the door. “You’ll really like Heechul, Yunho. He’s got a collection of feather boas I just know will look good on you.”
A week later Yunho sits awkwardly at the kitchen table. Changmin had just kicked him out the bathroom for leaving toothpaste on the floor again and Yunho can't help but pout at how he always seems to be upsetting the robot. Jaejoong pats him on the head, secretly thinking he’d do much more than just scold Yunho for the toothpaste incident if Changmin hadn’t gotten there first.
‘I don’t know why anyone would want a robot to be that cranky,’ Yunho says sulkily, ‘We can’t all be perfect.’
‘You think Changmin is perfect?’ Jaejoong smiles, ideas forming in his marvelously attractive head.
‘Well yeah, he’s tall and handsome and really good with words- he has a nice voice too. He’s good at everything but why would you program him with that attitude, Jae?’ Yunho asks, brows furrowing in confusion. ‘If it were my robot, I would want him nice and friendly.’
Jaejoong chuckles at Yunho’s pouting face, ‘I think that can be arranged,’ Jaejoong grins malevolently, ’Yunho, you remember our friend Heechul don’t you?’
Changmin drops his empty glass a few days later when he finds himself face to face with himself and an arm wrapped around Yunho. It shatters to the ground, turning both Yunho and his doppelganger’s attention his way.
‘Changmin!’ Yunho looks concerned and steps forward, unmindful of the broken glass and his bare feet.
His doppelganger however, shoots out his arms to prevent Yunho from moving, lifting the man from the floor in one swift movement. Yunho giggles and Changmin mentally combusts, ‘Yunho, I shall move you to safety,’ The fake Changmin says.
‘What the fuck-‘
‘Oh Changmin, I see you’ve met Yunho’s new robot, Max,’ Jaejoong pipes in, sliding into the kitchen along with Yoochun.
‘Really though, breaking glasses?’ Yoochun tuts, ‘I suppose it’s to be expected with these old models.’
Changmin shoots Yoochun a dirty glare as Max pushes past him, lowering Yunho gently onto the bench top, ‘It’s true,’ the robot says, ‘My creator frequently complains of the older model’s impotency.’ Max crouches to pick up shards of glass.
‘Yes, sadly Changmin has ceased to function, he’s redundant,’ Yoochun cries dramatically, ‘He is outdated and no longer relevant! Like a blemish upon society-‘
Changmin delivers a sharp elbow to Yoochun’s ribs, ‘Why the fuck does it look like me?’ He seethes.
‘Yunho said he liked your model the best,’ Jaejoong brings a hand to his mouth in an attempt to stifle the forthcoming laughter, ‘Despite your renowned impotence.’
‘I gave Heechul a photo,’ Yunho smiles, ‘And he made Max for me!’
It figures, Changmin thinks, Heechul always hated him. He scowls at the robot.
‘Now, now- don’t be upset,’ Yoochun claps him on the shoulder, ‘You’ve been upgraded!’
‘Yes,’ Jaejoong grins wickedly, ‘With all sorts of new skills,’ He wiggles his eyebrows.
‘Like a vibrating cock!’ Yoochun chimes in happily.
‘That shoots lubricant at different temperatures!’ Jaejoong adds enthusiastically.
‘It’s also safe for human consumption and full of nutrients,’ The robot smiles at Changmin in a way he can only describe as menacing yet gleeful.
Changmin feels like fainting.
The first encounter is just the beginning. That same night as Changmin’s brushing his teeth at the bathroom sink, Yunho enters and starts rifling through the medicine cabinet over the toilet bowl. Changmin’s about to start yelling about an invasion of privacy when he notices that Yunho looks harried; he’s almost tempted to ask what the other man is looking for. Yunho saves him the trouble.
“Do we have any lubricant?” Changmin chokes on his spit.
“What the fuck do you need lube for?!” he almost shouts.
Yunho looks at him bewildered. “Well Max needs to recharge. He says he needs lube to ‘plug in.’” Yunho’s brow furrows in confusion for a moment and Changmin’s mildly horrified to realize that the expression is sort of adorable. “I’m not sure if that’s the proper term though. I’m not familiar with robot lingo.”
Changmin tries not to gape. “’Plug in’ to what exactly?”
“I don’t know,” Yunho shrugs. “You’re the robot, you tell me.”
Changmin’s attempt at not gaping fails. “Oh, for fuck’s sake I am not-”
“Hey, Yunho-yah, I found the lube. You need it right?” Jaejoong sticks his head into the bathroom, holding up a tube. He tosses it at Yunho, who catches it with both hands. Grinning at Changmin with eyes glinting in mischief, he says, “You think I can watch you plug Max in? I’m thinking of upgrading.”
“Oh goody, thanks Jaejoong!” Yunho says as he practically skips his way out of the bathroom before Changmin can get another word in. “And sure you can. You know where to find us!”
Jaejoong isn’t as fast. Changmin hauls him by the back of the collar just as he’s about to escape.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“You heard the guy, Max needs to recharge! I want to watch. Might be able to pick up a new trick or two.” Jaejoong reasons. Changmin isn’t in the mood to humor him.
“Explain to me why everyone insists on pretending I’m a robot.”
“You are one?” Jaejoong deadpans. Changmin tightens the grip on his collar just a smidgeon. “Ow! All right, all right already. It’s because it’s funny!”
“Are you trying to tell me we’re pretending I’m a walking chunk of metal because you think it’s funny?”
“Now, when you say it like that it just sounds mean.” Jaejoong loses the ability to breathe for a moment. “Dammit fine! There may or may not be ulterior motives involved.”
“And what might those be?” Changmin asks with narrowed eyes. He loosens his grip so Jaejoong could speak with more ease.
“You’re either blind or heterosexual,” Jaejoong answers with the tiniest hint of exasperation. Changmin’s still got a hold of his collar; Jaejoong is going to play it safe. “The country bumpkin is hot. I want in his pants.”
‘Jaejoong,’ Changmin’s tone is one of warning.
Jaejoong smoothes his collar, inspecting his nails, ‘Changmin,’ He mimics, ‘I take it back, you’re not blind or heterosexual, you’re just an idiot robot.’
Jaejoong flicks him in the middle of the forehead and Changmin blinks in shock.
‘We done here? Even if I miss the start, I set up a live webcam in Yunho’s room and I definitely want to witness all the new skills Heechul programmed,’ Jaejoong grins, sliding past a stiff Changmin into the hallway. ‘If you’re nice to me, I’ll let you know the name of the website.’
Changmin snaps out of his daze as he realizes the implications of Jaejoong’s words. Yunho’s essentially making a porno, with a robot that looks exactly like him. He bolts, anger boiling in his veins as he rips Yunho’s bedroom door open.
‘You!’ He points accusingly at Yunho who is tangled in the midst of removing his shirt over his head.
Yunho turns towards his voice, arms trapped by the cloth over his head and blind as he wrestles with the tshirt in an effort to pull it off, ‘Umm could I have some help, please?’ Yunho asks shyly.
Changmin is about to step forward and rip the material off so that he can properly yell at Yunho when the robot pushes him aside and begins unbuttoning the fly of Yunho’s jeans. Yunho hobbles about as the action pitches him forward blindly into Max’s chest, face still covered by the tshirt.
‘Ah,’ Yunho pants, wriggling his arms uselessly, ‘I meant my shirt.’
‘I understand, bend over so that I can assist you,’ The robot advises, pushing Yunho to bend over the dressing table.
Max is about to tug the waist of the Yunho’s jeans down, lube in one hand when Changmin spies the laptop in prime position on the desk, ‘Yah! He shouts, stepping in, taking the lube from the robot and yanking the shirt until Yunho is pulled free from the confines with his other hand. Yunho pops out, hair disheveled and a little flushed. He takes in Max, standing innocently to the side and Changmin who holds the bottle of lubricant in one hand and Yunho’s t-shirt in the other.
‘Did you want to plug in too?’ Yunho’s eyes widen.
Changmin’s mouth gapes open at the implication, jaw dropping to unbelievable lengths when the robot says calmly, ‘It will be a tight fit but I’ve been installed with all the best software so I’m certain we could manage.’
“Are you an idiot?” Changmin asks in disbelief. “Do you have any idea what you’re doing?”
Yunho stares at him. “So you don’t want to?”
“Do you know what that means?
“What, plugging in? Well,” Yunho starts ruffling through some papers on the nightstand. “It says here on the instructor’s manual - “
“That’s not what I meant!”
“Oh. Then am I doing it wrong? Should I take off more clothes?” Yunho starts to shimmy out of his pants.
“Let me help you with that,” the robot interjects, ever so helpful as he pulls on the belt loops of Yunho’s jeans.
“Do you realize you’re being watched?” Changmin exclaims, flabbergasted. He points at the very suspiciously angled laptop.
Yunho follows the direction of the finger and cocks his head. There’s a solemn, sort of confused look on his face as he takes a step towards the computer and for a moment Changmin thinks that there’s hope for him yet.
The thought is premature.
“Jaejoongie, is that you?” Yunho says, moving towards the desk and bending over to look into the tiny camera and waving cheerfully. “Annyeong! Can you hear me?”
Changmin gapes He’s done it more in the last 24 hours than he has in his whole life, but it never seems to get old. He gawks. His jaw unhinges and there’s no picking it up off the floor.
“Oh. My. Fuck. You are an idiot.”
“Well that’s not very nice,” Yunho throws over his shoulder, brow furrowed.
“Indeed,” The robot interjects, approaching Changmin in a way that can only be described as menacing. “Shall I dispose of him?”
‘I’m beginning to think you’re just a bit of a meanie, Changmin,’ Yunho pouts, ‘You’re always telling me off and you’re not even nice to Max either- I mean you could be like, robot brothers or something!’ Yunho waves his arms in defeat, ‘But I know it’s not your fault you were just programmed that way, I just wish you were a little gentler.’
‘I can be gentle,’ The robot interjects yet again, ‘It’s within my programming to do so upon request, should I change my settings to ‘sensitive’? Do you wish to be held afterwards?’
‘That is completely irrelevant to our conversation!’ Changmin shouts at Max before turning to Yunho, ‘And are you accusing me of lacking a sensitivity chip?! If you weren’t too stupid to process my insults I swear I’d-‘
The robot merely pushes Changmin aside, ‘It all makes sense now, Yunho,’ Max nods solemnly, placing his hands on Yunho’s shoulders, ‘Many of the old models are quite clandestine in their processing of human emotions, you should advise your friend Jaejoong to have his robot recalled and upgraded.’
Yunho looks at Changmin with a pitying gaze that only enrages him further, but once again he is pushed away by the robot when he moves to confront Yunho.
‘Now Yunho, we must discuss settings before plug-in,’ Max says sternly, ‘Of course, even permitting a change to ‘sensitive’, with my sheer size it shall be difficult to remain gentle…’
Yunho blinks, looking up at the robot confused, ‘Because you’re tall?’
‘Because my peni-‘ They’re interrupted by Jaejoong and Yoochun bursting into the room.
Jaejoong shouts, ‘ABORT MISSION, ABORT MISSION,’ as he drags Changmin from the room. Yoochun stands at the doorway, glancing around the room before whispering into a walkie-talkie, sliding out the room in a poor imitation of a spy before returning to close the door behind him.
Changmin finds himself deposited in Jaejoong’s room where Junsu and Heechul sit, munching away on popcorn in front of the computer.
‘You!’ He points accusingly at Heechul, ‘You made that piece of shit!’
‘He is hardly a piece of shit,’ Heechul replies scathingly, ‘despite sharing a majority of your physical aspects. He is a vastly superior version of yourself and extremely advanced technology. He’s going to make me millions.’
‘What do you mean “majority”? Please tell me you’re referring to the fact that I have organs and that he’s full of hardware.’ Changmin scowls furiously.
Jaejoong laughs amusedly, ‘If by “hardware’ you mean his massive, vibrating co-‘
‘And what are you so angry about? That you have less empathy than a robot? Do you know how much free publicity and advertising you just cost me? You had better hope they continue despite your interruption,’ Heechul glares, eyes turning back to the screen where Yunho is trying to wiggle out of tight jeans.
‘I thought you had failsafe programming for that Hee?’ Yoochun asks, shoveling popcorn unattractively.
‘Oh yeah… I forgot about that,’ Heechul scratches his chin thoughtfully, ‘Well Yunho hasn’t changed the settings yet has he?’
They all watch the monitor where Max is yanking the offending jeans from Yunho’s legs in a manner that could never be described as gentle.
‘Nope,’ Junsu reaches to unbutton his own jeans, ‘I’d say we’re good to go and Max is still set to RRR.’
‘Wait? What do you mean “failsafe”? What the fuck is RRR?’ Changmin is growing increasingly agitated and impatient.
‘It stands for Rough and Ready Rapist,’ Jaejoong grins, ‘Max doesn’t process the word no.’
They all turn back to the screen.
Changmin’s eye twitches before he whips from the room, quickly yanking the robot from Yunho’s room and shutting the man’s laptop closed.
“Hey! What are you doing?” Yunho exclaims, hopping around with one ankle still caught in the confines of his jeans. “Where are you taking Max?”
“Stay here and don’t you dare move!” Changmin commands as he hauls his metal doppelganger out of the room. The stupid robot is resisting.
“Please remove your hands from my person or I will resort to force.”
“Shut up,” Changmin replies scathingly as he successfully slams the bedroom door behind him. “Don’t make me restore you to factory settings. I don’t want to have to grab you by the balls to do that.”
“I would not be adverse to that,” the robot says with a very good impression of Yoochun’s leer. Changmin suppresses a shudder.
“You’ve created a monster.” He announces when he stands in the threshold of Jaejoong’s room with the robot in tow. The occupants stare at him for a moment before all hell breaks loose.
“Maxie!” Heechul squeals, nearly upending the bowl of popcorn in his hands as he leaps from the bed.
“Chullie!” the robot exclaims, equally excited and Changmin has to endure his replica launch himself at the other man.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” he mutters as cooing between creator and created ensues. It is sort of horrifying to watch himself cuddle with Heechul on Jaejoong’s rainbow patterned sheets. It’s not something he’d ever contemplate much less actually do, so actually seeing it happen with his very own eyes makes his stomach churn.
“That is kind of disgusting.” Yoochun observes from his position against the headboard.
“Definitely gross,” Junsu agrees beside him, somehow still able to shove a handful of popcorn into his mouth even while Heechul and the robot begin to roll around the mattress giggling sweet nothings into each other’s ear.
“You’re gross,” Yoochun retorts, stealing back the bowl.
“Shut up,” Junsu replies just as quickly. “Don’t get me started Mr. Syphilis.”
‘Well you-‘
‘Why are you both always here when neither of you pay rent?’ Changmin’s voice booms, a dark aura of frustration and anger settling over the room causing even Heechul and Max’s incessant chatter to cease.
‘We’re invited guests?’ Yoochun ventures tentatively, quickly withering underneath Changmin’s intense glare.
‘Get out,’ Changmin orders and Yoochun and Junsu scramble to collect their things, rushing out the door.
Changmin grabs Heechul by the collar, dragging him towards the hallway, ‘You can leave too, unless you’re here to take that stupid robot back, I don’t want to see you.’ Changmin shoves the man out of the apartment.
‘It’s hardly stupid, Changmin! You’re just jealous-‘ The door slams and Changmin slides the bolt, ‘Everyone likes him more!’ Heechul screams from outside the apartment.
‘Yeah well, who wants to be liked anyway,’ Changmin mutters, ‘All it gets you is freaking robotic replicas and a bad case of the clap.’ Changmin pauses at Jaejoong’s room to yell at his doppelganger and chaos inducing roommate, ‘And you!’ He points, ‘Yunho ordered you to stay here for the night! He also said to tell you that you should plug in with Jaejoong.’
Jaejoong turns, eyes wide to face the robot, ‘No!’
The robot leers; advancing as Changmin quietly closes the door behind him and retires to his own room for some much needed rest.
“What are you doing here?” Yunho asks with an audible sniffle. He’s kneeling on Changmin’s bed, fluffing the pillows and looking dejected and wary. He turns his nose up in a haughty manner when Changmin enters and it’s only by sheer force of will that Changmin refuses to stand awkwardly in his own doorway.
“This is my room, it’s only right that I sleep here.” He answers brusquely, eyes unable to look away from Yunho’s choice of sleep wear. They look oddly familiar. “Are those my boxers?”
“Oh, yeah, Jaejoong said I could borrow some of yours since mine are so horrible looking they burn his eyes.” Yunho’s cheeks warm as he’s unable to meet Changmin’s scandalized gaze. “It was either this or… some kind of frilled pink dressing gown.”
Changmin’s seen that particular ensemble and grudgingly has to sympathize. “Well, whatever. You’re only sleeping. It doesn’t matter what you wear.”
“I actually don’t wear anything to bed but I thought that would be kind of weird since this isn’t really my bed, but if you don’t mind me sleeping in the nude then - ”
“OKAY, you know what? On second thought go ahead and borrow them.” Changmin interrupts. “But I expect you to wash those out. Particularly with a lot of bleach. Who knows what diseases Yoochun might spread,” he adds muttering.
“You’re really sleeping here?” Yunho asks, genuinely surprised when Changmin strips off his shirt and climbs into bed.
“My bed, remember? And will you scoot over, I’m about to fall off here.”
“But - don’t you need to plug-in or something? Recharge? Do you want me to help?”
Changmin sighs heavily and stares a hole into his ceiling before answering, “No, I do not need to ‘plug-in’ or ‘recharge’ and I most certainly do not need your help to do it. But thanks for the offer. Now will you just please shut up and go to sleep?”
“Yeah, sure. Okay.”
Changmin’s got his eyes closed, but his bed isn’t exactly huge and he can feel every move Yunho makes, all of it awkward and stilted. He can feel the tension in the other man when their shoulders brush under the covers and it sends a jolt of something sharp and electric down his arm. Abruptly, Changmin turns on his side and tries to ignore the sudden, inexplicable heat the room has plunged into. He focuses the rest of his attention throwing daggers at his door, just daring that stupid robot to come barging in. He’ll relish grabbing it by the balls and shutting the thing off once and for all.
Changmin doesn’t relax his vigil until the wee hours of the morning when faint thuds against the wall and a load, prolonged moan in a high pitch Jaejoong was capable of only while in the throes of passion disturbs the quiet of 3 a.m. His lips quirk in a smile as he’s finally able to burrow into his covers, satisfied with his little bit of revenge.
A week later and Changmin plays witness to his shirtless self lifting new furniture with ease into Yunho’s bedroom. He’s both slightly glad to get relief from both Yunho pressing against his back as he sleeps and his annoying mechanical doppelganger, whilst the smallest part of him knows he’ll miss making fun Yunho’s stupid sleeping expression in the mornings.
He catches Yoochun leering at the robot’s chest, ‘Hey sleazebag, stop it! You’ll give everyone a disease with that look,’ Changmin reprimands.
His words don’t phase Yoochun though, the man merely making a lewd gesture with his tongue, ‘I’d like to give you a disease…or rather Max,’ Yoochun grabs at the robot’s behind, causing Max to turn.
‘Don’t you dare even think about it,’ Changmin threatens, utterly horrified with the image of himself copulating with Yoochun. ‘And why is he shirtless? Robots don’t sweat!’
‘Max didn't want to get his clothes dirty,’ Yunho shrugs as he tries to help his robot move a large box.
The robot pushes Yunho aside gently, ‘Allow me,’ he lifts the largest box with ease and Changmin swears it flexes its biceps intentionally. ‘I still think we should have gotten the water bed,’ Max pouts disappointedly at the box of bed pieces he has to construct.
‘But what if you got wet?!’ Yunho asks, full of concern and eyes wide.
‘I am designed for all conditions, for the more adventurous partner,’ Max winks at Yunho, smiling seductively, ‘Perhaps you would be interested in a round of pool se-‘
Changmin quickly shoves his robotic counterpart aside, feigning interest in the instruction booklet, ‘I’ll help you put this together.’
‘No need! My superior intellect and processing chip will allow me to assemble Yunho and I a sturdy support for all traditional positions of intercourse,’ The robot nods confidently before eyeing the mattress sceptically, ‘Though I have my doubts the manufacturing quality of that mattress will withhold the intensity and impetus of my thrusts.’
The robot looks grave as he contemplates the matter before nodding firmly at Yunho, ‘Yunho! For all particularly enthusiastic sessions we should relocate to the floor first for safety!’
Yunho blinks; once, then twice before tilting his head to the side, ‘You mean like a safety drill? Isn’t the fire escape over there?’ Yunho points.
‘Well I am rather like a drill,’ Max leers, ‘But the fire escape seems most impractical…I did not know you were into exhibitionism. I’m sure we can arrange something- perhaps that nice park we walked through yesterday?’
“Ooh the park.” Yoochun practically oozes. “Kinky. I like. Any chance I can get in on that?”
“You want to come?” Yunho asks brightly, pausing in his attempt at lifting another box to smile eagerly at Yoochun. “I’m trying to get into the habit of going for nightly runs. You can join us if you want. The more the merrier.”
Yoochun smiles, the expression closer to a leer. There’s been a lot of leering recently. “Oh, definitely. The more the merrier indeed.”
Junsu snorts loudly from his place in front of the television, thumbs not missing a beat on the controller as he says, “Yoochun going for nightly runs? Are you kidding? He has about as much stamina as a sloth - which means none. Trust me, I speak from experience.”
“That doesn’t explain why my stash of condoms was horribly depleted that one time I left my duffel bag at your apartment,” Jaejoong muses with an arched brow while staring unabashedly at Max’s flexing biceps. He’s sprouted some strange affinity towards the robot since Changmin had taken up arms with Yunho in his room and Max been relegated to sleeping in Jaejoong’s bed and plugging-in there instead.
Junsu’s on screen self promptly self-destructs. Junsu’s face is an odd shade of maroon and he’s suddenly all too engrossed in his spiralling number of points. “I have no idea what you’re talking about! And that’s not what I meant about stamina!”
“Sure you didn’t.” Changmin retorts with unnecessary heat. He’s been inexplicably irritable and easily annoyed these days. Changmin blames it on Yunho and that horrible excuse for a robot. “Why are you two here anyway? Haven’t we established the fact that neither of you pay rent, therefore you are not welcome?”
“Now, now, Changmin. Don’t be rude,” Jaejoong reprimands, taking his eyes off Max’s impressive musculature to spare Yoochun a very obvious wink. “I live here too and I say they’re more than welcome. Besides, they’re here to help Yunho move the rest of his stuff into his new room.”
“No, they’re here to mooch off our food and add to our power bill,” Changmin seethes as Junsu wanders into the kitchen and starts to rifle through the fridge. Yoochun takes his place in front of the TV, successfully running his character into a ditch with a press of a button.
“Why are you always so... prickly?” Junsu asks, coming back into the living room with a bowl of something that looks suspiciously like Changmin’s stash of frozen mochi.
“Yeah, and not in the good way,” Yoochun agrees, immediately making crude gestures with his hands and pointing at his crotch to make it obvious what he meant by ‘the good way.’
“First, if you want to live to see the next five minutes, then those had better not be my mochi you’re shoving into your mouth,” Changmin threatens, eyes narrowed at Junsu. “Second, prickly? I’m not prickly. What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you need to get laid but can’t because of your lack of personality or effort and so you’re taking out your sexual frustrations on poor innocent people,” Jaejoong comments flippantly, licking his lips when Max bends over to put down a box. “Like us.”
“I hardly think you’re innocent -”
“Did someone say sexual frustrations?” Max says as he straightens, another ready leer on his face. “How may I be of service?”
‘I’m almost certain Yunho requires your assistance in that department,’ Yoochun gropes Yunho’s bottom casually.
Jaejoong pouts, ‘I want it too- Yunho, why don’t we swap? You can have Changmin and I’ll have your robot for a while if you’re not going to use him.’
Yunho looks at Changmin, clearly startled by the offer, ‘N-No thank you, I like Max.’
‘I like you too,’ The robot crowds Yunho from behind, wrapping arms around the man and not so subtly pressing his crotch against Yunho’s ass. ‘Let me show you how much.’
‘Yah! I’m not going to switch either! I don’t belong to you Jaejoong, stop being such a jerk,’ Changmin fumes.
‘Changmin’s an independent robot?’ Yunho asks, a bewildered expression on his face. ‘They have those here?’
‘Oh yeah, there’s a couple of group movements about these days,’ Junsu says, still stuffing his face with mochi, ‘They’re surprisingly good at business enterprises.’
Yoochun nods, ‘They run some of the strip clubs too,’ Yoochun looks wistful.
‘Naturally, robots make for very good disciplinarians and therefore very efficient pimps,’ Max says simply.
‘But aren’t they just programmed to behave and do their jobs?’ Yunho asks, eyes wide with curiosity.
‘No, no- they keep the humans in line,’ Max’s hand slides lower, towards Yunho’s belt, ‘Perhaps I could give you a demonstration,’ he whispers against Yunho’s ear.
‘Or perhaps you could actually be useful and build the stupid bed so that the rest of us may use the hallway freely once again,’ Changmin scowls in distaste.
‘I sense hostility from this robot,’ Max turns to Yunho, ‘I can run a detailed psychological analysis later but it would not be unreasonable to assume he is feeling threatened and inadequate by my presence and superior skill and good looks. I believe it is customary to comfort others during such times.’
Yunho bites his lip, nodding before shooting Changmin a sympathetic glance, ‘Don’t worry, Changmin. You make a very nice robot- and you could always upgrade!’ Yunho adds thoughtfully.
Jaejoong and Yoochun snicker as Junsu adds, ‘It’s not your fault you’re inadequate! We still love you!’
‘We promise not to sell you for scrap,’ Jaejoong grins, patting Changmin’s head condescendingly.
Changmin splutters indignantly, ‘We look exactly the same! What do you mean by superior good looks? And for the last time, I am NOT a r-‘
‘Redundant piece of machinery?’ Jaejoong interrupts.
‘Rhythmically challenged idiot?’ Yoochun supplies, ‘I’m sorry Changmin, but I’ve seen you dancing.’
‘Ridiculously designed android?’ Junsu pipes in, ‘I mean have you seen those ears? Of course you have…who could miss them?’ He shakes his head gravely, ‘I just hope they function better than the rest of him.’
‘A retard?’ Max guesses, ‘All evidence suggests serious malfunctioning errors in your programming…’
Changmin let’s out a frustrated sigh before pushing past Yunho and slamming the door of his bedroom behind him.
He stays in his room for the rest of the day, refusing to make an appearance, even when Jaejoong tries to lure him out with food. He’s sulking; Jaejoong calls him out on it but Changmin will never admit to it. For now he’s content to diminish his stash of emergency food, indulging in more mochi and chocolate turtles than he’s ever had in one sitting. It’s comfort food and Changmin refuses to even think about why he might need comforting.
He makes sure everyone’s gone to bed, watching for all the lights to shut off one by one through the slit under his door. He must have fallen asleep while waiting, Yoochun and Junsu’s raucous presence no longer evident when he gets up. Jaejoong also seems to have stopped making himself a nuisance at Changmin’s door and there doesn’t seem to be any more movement outside. Changmin is tempted to stay in bed like he’s done for most of the day, but then his stomach growls, protesting at the neglect and Changmin has no choice but to brave the outside world.
Changmin peeks out first, stealthily poking his head out before deeming the darkened hallway safe from annoying roommates and awkward robots. He’s just about to turn the corner into the kitchen when he spies a triangle of light cutting across the floor. Quickly, he presses himself silently against the adjoining wall.
“Here?” a voice says, too low for Changmin to immediately identify. Changmin strains his ears to hear who else could be awake at such an ungodly hour.
“Lower,” another answers, and Changmin freezes. He’d know that voice anywhere; it was his own after all.
“Did I get it all?” Yunho’s voice is unmistakable now.
“Not quite. You must… keep rubbing or else it might be painful.”
What? Rub what?! Changmin screams in his head, explicit images flashing through his head. Curiosity and burning outrage have him inching quietly towards the bathroom door.
“I don’t understand why I can’t just use my hands. Wouldn’t it be better if - ”
“Nonsense,” Max cuts in. “You mustn’t waste food. Do you know how many children go hungry every day?”
“No, no. You’re right. I’m sorry. Let me just- the angle’s a bit wrong.”
“You should just kneel. If you get any on the floor, Jaejoong will be very angry.”
“Oh - ” There’s a muffled thud as Yunho’s knees presumably hit the rug on the bathroom floor. He’s saying something else but that too, comes out garbled and for Changmin, it’s the final straw.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!”
He bursts into the bathroom to find Yunho with his pink tongue extended, on his knees in front of Max who has his fly unbuttoned. His nostrils flare as he fumes, taking in the sight of the robot’s stomach covered in a creamy substance that drips down its abdomen.
Yunho barely remembers to recede his tongue before he says innocently, ‘Cleaning?’
The robot nods, a satisfied smile on its face as it says, ‘He squeezed too hard.’
Yunho’s leans in to drag his tongue through the thick, white fluid and Changmin swallows hard when the man moans, licking his lips before returning for more. Changmin feels his cock twitch as Yunho laps eagerly at the mess over Max’s stomach but when the robot begins to lower his pants and push Yunho’s head down he snaps, yanking his roommate roughly to his feet and away from Max.
‘Use a fucking towel,’ Changmin yells, glaring viciously, ‘That’s not food!’
‘You’re right, I guess,’ The robot concedes, holding out a tube of condensed milk and inspecting the label, ‘One would normally consume it in confectionary goods but Yunho loves it so much.’
‘Please don’t tell Jaejoong,’ Yunho pleads from behind him, ‘He always makes me diet.’
It clicks over in Changmin’s brain half a second later, ‘You’re fucking kidding me!’
‘Presently I’m not fucking or kidding anyone,’ The robot’s eyes seem to flash menacingly, ‘You interrupted.’
‘You were taking advantage!’ Changmin points accusingly, ‘of an idiot too! Really, it’s worse than a child!’ He gestures at Yunho who looks confused.
‘I am unsure as to why that’s your concern.’
Changmin flushes, stumbling over words, ‘It’s -I - You-“
‘Did you call me an idiot, Changmin?’ Yunho looks at him, hurt in his eyes and Changmin feels both guilt and anger build in him.
‘You think I’m a robot!’ He explodes, incredulous.
‘You aren’t?’ Yunho looks startled and Changmin swears his eyes look watery.
‘Of course I’m not,’ He quiets down, ‘I’m human, always have been.’
‘Oh,’ Yunho leans against the washing machine, ‘So why did you pretend to be one?’
‘I never did! Jaejoong just made up shit and you didn’t listen when I tried to tell you.’
‘Oh,’ Yunho says again, ‘Well I’d better finish cleaning Max up now.’ He grabs a cloth and rinses it under the tap.
‘You're not angry?’ Changmin thinks Yunho’s back looks small as he wrings out the washcloth.
‘I’m not mad,’ Yunho says, turning to swipe the cloth over Max’s skin, ‘I do feel stupid though, so I guess you were right about that part.’
‘I’m sorry?’ Changmin’s really never been good at basic human interaction, let alone an upset Yunho.
Yunho rinses off the last of the condensed milk in the sink, drying Max and handing him back a t-shirt. He sighs, ‘No, I’m sorry Changmin, because before when you were being mean I could just write it off as bad programming- now I know it’s just you.’ Yunho holds onto Max’s hand as he leads them out the bathroom, the robot smirking as it looks back over its shoulder at Changmin.
The whole thing makes Changmin feel hollow, like a void had somehow taken up residence in his chest. Changmin came out of his room with an empty stomach and goes back with an empty heart.
A/N: This is to celebrate our community reaching 100 members in the first month! So much thanks to everyone who joined <3 We appreciate the support.
To think this was originally going to be a serious collaboration… well it was far more fun seeing what ridiculous new feature Max had developed every couple of paragraphs. Any differences in spelling and grammar are because of long raging battles between the Empress's country and my own- it's a bloody fight to the death over the correct use of the letter 'Z' and the additional 'U'. Next part up soon.
Pairing: Yunho/Changmin
Author: vaguelynormal and enigmaxempress
Rating: NC-17
Warning: loads of crack, WTF-ery, sexy times - oh, and a vibrating cock.
Summary: In which, Yunho buys a robot. Chaos ensues.
A/N: Another collab!fic. We’ve become rather shameless and are quite proud :D
Yunho splutters his way through another shot of whiskey.
Jaejoong claps him on the back, ‘Toughen up, princess.’
Yunho just nods, peering around the room through teary eyes. The party is large enough to lose track of friends, people filling the rooms of the house but there are no wild antics like Yunho’s seen in the movies. People talk in groups, but Yunho doesn’t recognise anyone besides Junsu whose already passed out and sporting a drawn on moustache with matching sideburns.
After a few drinks, Junsu’s new look is almost sexy to Yunho.
Jaejoong throws an arm around his shoulders and leads Yunho into the next room, whispering into his ear, ‘Now there are a few people you should meet,’ Jaejoong takes a swig from his beer and hands it to Yunho. ‘That’s Yoochun, major sleaze bag,’ Jaejoong nods in the direction of a thin man with wavy hair about to pitch backwards over the arm of the couch.
‘Over there, looking like a retarded puppy, that’s Ryeowook- he totally wants me,’ Jaejoong smirks, and when the tiny male looks their way, Jaejoong leans forward and licks Yunho’s cheek in a vulgar fashion. Yunho wipes at his cheek, grimacing but let’s the man swing them round another corner, coming to stop in front of a couch.
‘And this,’ Jaejoong says loudly, ‘Is Changmin. He’s a robot.’ Jaejoong nods sagely and then Yunho is being shoved forward until he tumbles on top of the young man on the couch, completely lacking coordination and letting out an unmanly yelp.
‘Ooh and that’s Daesung!’ Jaejoong squeals, ‘He totally wants me too,’ Jaejoong flees the scene.
A robot? Yunho stalls his initial reaction to scramble away and gives in to curiosity. The body he'd landed on was hard - like metal? - and lean. It's also warm, not at all cold like he'd imagined robots to be but then again he'd never been this close to one before. There weren't that many in Gwangju and those looked ancient and were very obviously not human. But he's learned on his way out of the countryside that Seoul was teeming with them. Still he'd never encountered one up close; there was always a screen or glass in the middle and he'd never had a proper look. The one beneath him seemed so real and life-like! Yunho takes a moment to awe at the wonders of technology.
"A-are you really a r-robot?" he asks stupidly, cursing his stammer for the nth time. It only seemed to get worse after he'd left the comfort and security of home for the big city. And did the "robot's" eyebrow just twitch?
"What do you think?"
"I-"
Changmin’s face is overtly handsome, his skin like flawless silk- a real work of art and Yunho leans in closer, looking for seams. The robot doesn’t flinch at the proximity but something about the man’s face makes Yunho question the credibility of Jaejoong’s statement. His mouth mere centimeters from the other man’s lips, Yunho makes a decision: when in doubt, check the wiring.
Yunho swallows back his nerves, letting the alcohol take over as he slides a hand down and gropes between the robot’s legs. A strange quiet falls over the both of them as they maintain eye contact, Yunho’s hand more than full with Changmin’s…equipment.
Yunho blinks and swears that in the cocoon of awkward silence he can hear the wet sound of his eyeballs. That and a few stray tumbleweeds rolling by, but the man doesn’t even wince and Yunho’s never come across anyone that big so he lets out a triumphant, ‘A-ha!’
Changmin opens his mouth to say something when they are interrupted.
‘Ooh handsy!’ Yoochun suddenly swaggers onto the scene, ‘I like it,’ and he jumps forward, tackling Yunho until he’s lying sprawled on Changmin’s lap, Yoochun’s tongue down his throat.
The sudden switch from vertical to horizontal has Yunho reeling. One minute he’s got a hand on Changmin’s rather impressive penis and the next he’s clutching at air. There are kneecaps digging painfully into his back and Yoochun’s skinny frame doesn’t do much for his front except for the thigh Yoochun’s got pressed up against his crotch. That much pressure along with the jeans in a size too small that Jaejoong had forced onto him and the alcohol throwing him in loops leave Yunho no choice but to moan in response to Yoochun’s enthusiastic ministrations.
It’s all tongue: wet and sloppy. Yoochun smells like cigarettes and tastes like nicotine and whiskey, a combination that’d usually have Yunho running in the other direction, but having the same things running through his veins have him doing the opposite. The tiny, more rational part of him protests the way he cants his hips into Yoochun’s drunken frotting, but his earlier shots of whiskey start to kick in and after that it’s doing anything to relieve the building ache in his groin.
Maybe it’s being drunk or his cock waiting to explode any second but Yoochun’s technique seems to improve. Yoochun’s got a hand cupping his erection and his mouth is sucking something horrendous at his throat. Outside the haze of alcohol and lust Yunho’s aware of catcalls and whoops - all of which only spur Yunho on. He’s close - so close - he doesn’t even notice painful jab of knees underneath him. There’s a sort of rhythm to the forceful prodding and Yunho rides it, using it to bring him that much closer to the edge Yoochun’s got him walking. Yoochun squeezes particularly hard and -
Yunho cries out in release the same time he and Yoochun are shoved forcefully off the couch. Someone yelps - Yunho isn’t sure if its him - then there’s a crash and dull pain in his side.
Everything goes black.
When Yunho comes to, it’s to the sound of shouting voices.
‘Why does the slut have to sleep on my bed?’ Changmin whines.
‘You’re the one who probably gave him concussion!’ Jaejoong reasons.
‘And Yoochun probably gave him STDs- I don’t see why we have to look after him,’ Changmin yells.
‘I have diseases now?’ Yunho sits up, looking horrified, mouth agape.
‘No,’ Yoochun denies as Junsu laughs and says, ‘Totally!’
Jaejoong just nods along until Yoochun pushes him out the way, sitting on the bed beside Yunho, ‘Yah, you guys are assholes! Yunbaby,’ Yoochun croons, letting his hand crawl up Yunho’s thigh, ‘Don’t listen to their lies, they’re jealous of what we share together.’
‘Chlamydia?’ Changmin deadpans and there’s an awkward squawking as Junsu doubles over, trying to muffle his laughter.
Yunho looks distressed as he looks back and forth between Yoochun’s unsettling sleazy smile and the floor Junsu is denting with the force of his slaps as he laughs hysterically. Jaejoong takes a seat, pushing Yoochun to join Junsu on the floor.
‘Yunho, I’m sure Changmin will help you out- he does medical tests and stuff,’ Jaejoong grins.
‘Robots can do those tests too?” Yunho asks incredulously, ‘How?’
‘You bend over,’ Yoochun chirps from his spot on the carpet, ‘And then-‘
‘Okay,’ Jaejoong interjects, ‘So Yunho, you seem to remember Changmin despite your potential concussion and now that Min has met our new roommate, I think we should all retire for the evening. Changmin, you're relegated to the couch until we get the newbie a mattress. Stay classy, ladies,’ Jaejoong pats Yunho on the back and saunters from the room.
When Jaejoong exits Yunho stares at Yoochun wide eyed and hesitates before asking, “Do we really - ?”
Yoochun rolls his eyes and sighs in exasperation. “No. I don’t have Chlamydia or any other STDs and neither do you.”
“He doesn’t,” Junsu agrees, still looking breathless from his earlier hilarity. “Just crabs. Oh wait.” Junsu bursts out laughing. Again.
“That I got from you!” Yoochun protests, outraged. He tackles Junsu by the middle and they wrestle each other on the floor.
“Why is this my life?” Changmin mutters as he watches YooSu rape the rug his mother had sent him as a house-warming present when he’d first moved out.
“C-crabs?”
Changmin scowls at the usurper, glaring as he grabs a feather duster from under his bed and chucks it at the two still rolling around violently on the floor. It hits Yoochun on the wide expanse of his forehead before bouncing off Junsu’s ass.
“Ow!” Yoochun exclaims, slapping a hand against his forehead. “You wanna give me a concussion too?!”
“GET. OUT.” Changmin declares imperiously with the eye of the devil. He focuses it on Yunho. “You too.”
“B-but Jaejoong said - ”
“I know what Jaejoong said,” Changmin cuts in. “But if you think I’m going to let you sleep on my sheets with genital warts or whatever sexually transmitted diseases Yoochun’s infected with these days - ”
“You’ve got genitals warts now, too?” Junsu interrupts.
Yoochun splutters. “For the last time, I DO NOT HAVE STDs!”
From somewhere else in the apartment, Jaejoong yells, “Acceptance is the first step to recovery!”
Changmin sighs loudly in exasperation, pinching the bridge of his nose with two fingers. “Don’t you two have places you need to be? Other people you have to annoy? Go home.” He throws a scathing look at Yunho. “I need to clear some of my stuff before I let you use my room.”
Junsu wrinkles his nose at Changmin, dislodging himself from the cage of Yoochun’s legs around his middle. “Way to channel your inner grumpy old man Changmin-ah, we’ve got to leave anyway.”
“We do?” Yoochun asks, looking lonely by himself on the floor.
“Didn’t you say you wanted to stop by Heechul’s shop?” Yoochun’s face brightens.
“Oh, yeah! You should come with, Yunho.” Yoochun says, getting up and pulling Yunho out of Changmin’s bed. “Changmin probably wants to be left alone to ‘plug in’ or whatever it is that robots do by themselves these days.”
“I’m not - ”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Yoochun says, waving away his words with a hand while simultaneously steering Yunho out the door. “You’ll really like Heechul, Yunho. He’s got a collection of feather boas I just know will look good on you.”
A week later Yunho sits awkwardly at the kitchen table. Changmin had just kicked him out the bathroom for leaving toothpaste on the floor again and Yunho can't help but pout at how he always seems to be upsetting the robot. Jaejoong pats him on the head, secretly thinking he’d do much more than just scold Yunho for the toothpaste incident if Changmin hadn’t gotten there first.
‘I don’t know why anyone would want a robot to be that cranky,’ Yunho says sulkily, ‘We can’t all be perfect.’
‘You think Changmin is perfect?’ Jaejoong smiles, ideas forming in his marvelously attractive head.
‘Well yeah, he’s tall and handsome and really good with words- he has a nice voice too. He’s good at everything but why would you program him with that attitude, Jae?’ Yunho asks, brows furrowing in confusion. ‘If it were my robot, I would want him nice and friendly.’
Jaejoong chuckles at Yunho’s pouting face, ‘I think that can be arranged,’ Jaejoong grins malevolently, ’Yunho, you remember our friend Heechul don’t you?’
Changmin drops his empty glass a few days later when he finds himself face to face with himself and an arm wrapped around Yunho. It shatters to the ground, turning both Yunho and his doppelganger’s attention his way.
‘Changmin!’ Yunho looks concerned and steps forward, unmindful of the broken glass and his bare feet.
His doppelganger however, shoots out his arms to prevent Yunho from moving, lifting the man from the floor in one swift movement. Yunho giggles and Changmin mentally combusts, ‘Yunho, I shall move you to safety,’ The fake Changmin says.
‘What the fuck-‘
‘Oh Changmin, I see you’ve met Yunho’s new robot, Max,’ Jaejoong pipes in, sliding into the kitchen along with Yoochun.
‘Really though, breaking glasses?’ Yoochun tuts, ‘I suppose it’s to be expected with these old models.’
Changmin shoots Yoochun a dirty glare as Max pushes past him, lowering Yunho gently onto the bench top, ‘It’s true,’ the robot says, ‘My creator frequently complains of the older model’s impotency.’ Max crouches to pick up shards of glass.
‘Yes, sadly Changmin has ceased to function, he’s redundant,’ Yoochun cries dramatically, ‘He is outdated and no longer relevant! Like a blemish upon society-‘
Changmin delivers a sharp elbow to Yoochun’s ribs, ‘Why the fuck does it look like me?’ He seethes.
‘Yunho said he liked your model the best,’ Jaejoong brings a hand to his mouth in an attempt to stifle the forthcoming laughter, ‘Despite your renowned impotence.’
‘I gave Heechul a photo,’ Yunho smiles, ‘And he made Max for me!’
It figures, Changmin thinks, Heechul always hated him. He scowls at the robot.
‘Now, now- don’t be upset,’ Yoochun claps him on the shoulder, ‘You’ve been upgraded!’
‘Yes,’ Jaejoong grins wickedly, ‘With all sorts of new skills,’ He wiggles his eyebrows.
‘Like a vibrating cock!’ Yoochun chimes in happily.
‘That shoots lubricant at different temperatures!’ Jaejoong adds enthusiastically.
‘It’s also safe for human consumption and full of nutrients,’ The robot smiles at Changmin in a way he can only describe as menacing yet gleeful.
Changmin feels like fainting.
The first encounter is just the beginning. That same night as Changmin’s brushing his teeth at the bathroom sink, Yunho enters and starts rifling through the medicine cabinet over the toilet bowl. Changmin’s about to start yelling about an invasion of privacy when he notices that Yunho looks harried; he’s almost tempted to ask what the other man is looking for. Yunho saves him the trouble.
“Do we have any lubricant?” Changmin chokes on his spit.
“What the fuck do you need lube for?!” he almost shouts.
Yunho looks at him bewildered. “Well Max needs to recharge. He says he needs lube to ‘plug in.’” Yunho’s brow furrows in confusion for a moment and Changmin’s mildly horrified to realize that the expression is sort of adorable. “I’m not sure if that’s the proper term though. I’m not familiar with robot lingo.”
Changmin tries not to gape. “’Plug in’ to what exactly?”
“I don’t know,” Yunho shrugs. “You’re the robot, you tell me.”
Changmin’s attempt at not gaping fails. “Oh, for fuck’s sake I am not-”
“Hey, Yunho-yah, I found the lube. You need it right?” Jaejoong sticks his head into the bathroom, holding up a tube. He tosses it at Yunho, who catches it with both hands. Grinning at Changmin with eyes glinting in mischief, he says, “You think I can watch you plug Max in? I’m thinking of upgrading.”
“Oh goody, thanks Jaejoong!” Yunho says as he practically skips his way out of the bathroom before Changmin can get another word in. “And sure you can. You know where to find us!”
Jaejoong isn’t as fast. Changmin hauls him by the back of the collar just as he’s about to escape.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“You heard the guy, Max needs to recharge! I want to watch. Might be able to pick up a new trick or two.” Jaejoong reasons. Changmin isn’t in the mood to humor him.
“Explain to me why everyone insists on pretending I’m a robot.”
“You are one?” Jaejoong deadpans. Changmin tightens the grip on his collar just a smidgeon. “Ow! All right, all right already. It’s because it’s funny!”
“Are you trying to tell me we’re pretending I’m a walking chunk of metal because you think it’s funny?”
“Now, when you say it like that it just sounds mean.” Jaejoong loses the ability to breathe for a moment. “Dammit fine! There may or may not be ulterior motives involved.”
“And what might those be?” Changmin asks with narrowed eyes. He loosens his grip so Jaejoong could speak with more ease.
“You’re either blind or heterosexual,” Jaejoong answers with the tiniest hint of exasperation. Changmin’s still got a hold of his collar; Jaejoong is going to play it safe. “The country bumpkin is hot. I want in his pants.”
‘Jaejoong,’ Changmin’s tone is one of warning.
Jaejoong smoothes his collar, inspecting his nails, ‘Changmin,’ He mimics, ‘I take it back, you’re not blind or heterosexual, you’re just an idiot robot.’
Jaejoong flicks him in the middle of the forehead and Changmin blinks in shock.
‘We done here? Even if I miss the start, I set up a live webcam in Yunho’s room and I definitely want to witness all the new skills Heechul programmed,’ Jaejoong grins, sliding past a stiff Changmin into the hallway. ‘If you’re nice to me, I’ll let you know the name of the website.’
Changmin snaps out of his daze as he realizes the implications of Jaejoong’s words. Yunho’s essentially making a porno, with a robot that looks exactly like him. He bolts, anger boiling in his veins as he rips Yunho’s bedroom door open.
‘You!’ He points accusingly at Yunho who is tangled in the midst of removing his shirt over his head.
Yunho turns towards his voice, arms trapped by the cloth over his head and blind as he wrestles with the tshirt in an effort to pull it off, ‘Umm could I have some help, please?’ Yunho asks shyly.
Changmin is about to step forward and rip the material off so that he can properly yell at Yunho when the robot pushes him aside and begins unbuttoning the fly of Yunho’s jeans. Yunho hobbles about as the action pitches him forward blindly into Max’s chest, face still covered by the tshirt.
‘Ah,’ Yunho pants, wriggling his arms uselessly, ‘I meant my shirt.’
‘I understand, bend over so that I can assist you,’ The robot advises, pushing Yunho to bend over the dressing table.
Max is about to tug the waist of the Yunho’s jeans down, lube in one hand when Changmin spies the laptop in prime position on the desk, ‘Yah! He shouts, stepping in, taking the lube from the robot and yanking the shirt until Yunho is pulled free from the confines with his other hand. Yunho pops out, hair disheveled and a little flushed. He takes in Max, standing innocently to the side and Changmin who holds the bottle of lubricant in one hand and Yunho’s t-shirt in the other.
‘Did you want to plug in too?’ Yunho’s eyes widen.
Changmin’s mouth gapes open at the implication, jaw dropping to unbelievable lengths when the robot says calmly, ‘It will be a tight fit but I’ve been installed with all the best software so I’m certain we could manage.’
“Are you an idiot?” Changmin asks in disbelief. “Do you have any idea what you’re doing?”
Yunho stares at him. “So you don’t want to?”
“Do you know what that means?
“What, plugging in? Well,” Yunho starts ruffling through some papers on the nightstand. “It says here on the instructor’s manual - “
“That’s not what I meant!”
“Oh. Then am I doing it wrong? Should I take off more clothes?” Yunho starts to shimmy out of his pants.
“Let me help you with that,” the robot interjects, ever so helpful as he pulls on the belt loops of Yunho’s jeans.
“Do you realize you’re being watched?” Changmin exclaims, flabbergasted. He points at the very suspiciously angled laptop.
Yunho follows the direction of the finger and cocks his head. There’s a solemn, sort of confused look on his face as he takes a step towards the computer and for a moment Changmin thinks that there’s hope for him yet.
The thought is premature.
“Jaejoongie, is that you?” Yunho says, moving towards the desk and bending over to look into the tiny camera and waving cheerfully. “Annyeong! Can you hear me?”
Changmin gapes He’s done it more in the last 24 hours than he has in his whole life, but it never seems to get old. He gawks. His jaw unhinges and there’s no picking it up off the floor.
“Oh. My. Fuck. You are an idiot.”
“Well that’s not very nice,” Yunho throws over his shoulder, brow furrowed.
“Indeed,” The robot interjects, approaching Changmin in a way that can only be described as menacing. “Shall I dispose of him?”
‘I’m beginning to think you’re just a bit of a meanie, Changmin,’ Yunho pouts, ‘You’re always telling me off and you’re not even nice to Max either- I mean you could be like, robot brothers or something!’ Yunho waves his arms in defeat, ‘But I know it’s not your fault you were just programmed that way, I just wish you were a little gentler.’
‘I can be gentle,’ The robot interjects yet again, ‘It’s within my programming to do so upon request, should I change my settings to ‘sensitive’? Do you wish to be held afterwards?’
‘That is completely irrelevant to our conversation!’ Changmin shouts at Max before turning to Yunho, ‘And are you accusing me of lacking a sensitivity chip?! If you weren’t too stupid to process my insults I swear I’d-‘
The robot merely pushes Changmin aside, ‘It all makes sense now, Yunho,’ Max nods solemnly, placing his hands on Yunho’s shoulders, ‘Many of the old models are quite clandestine in their processing of human emotions, you should advise your friend Jaejoong to have his robot recalled and upgraded.’
Yunho looks at Changmin with a pitying gaze that only enrages him further, but once again he is pushed away by the robot when he moves to confront Yunho.
‘Now Yunho, we must discuss settings before plug-in,’ Max says sternly, ‘Of course, even permitting a change to ‘sensitive’, with my sheer size it shall be difficult to remain gentle…’
Yunho blinks, looking up at the robot confused, ‘Because you’re tall?’
‘Because my peni-‘ They’re interrupted by Jaejoong and Yoochun bursting into the room.
Jaejoong shouts, ‘ABORT MISSION, ABORT MISSION,’ as he drags Changmin from the room. Yoochun stands at the doorway, glancing around the room before whispering into a walkie-talkie, sliding out the room in a poor imitation of a spy before returning to close the door behind him.
Changmin finds himself deposited in Jaejoong’s room where Junsu and Heechul sit, munching away on popcorn in front of the computer.
‘You!’ He points accusingly at Heechul, ‘You made that piece of shit!’
‘He is hardly a piece of shit,’ Heechul replies scathingly, ‘despite sharing a majority of your physical aspects. He is a vastly superior version of yourself and extremely advanced technology. He’s going to make me millions.’
‘What do you mean “majority”? Please tell me you’re referring to the fact that I have organs and that he’s full of hardware.’ Changmin scowls furiously.
Jaejoong laughs amusedly, ‘If by “hardware’ you mean his massive, vibrating co-‘
‘And what are you so angry about? That you have less empathy than a robot? Do you know how much free publicity and advertising you just cost me? You had better hope they continue despite your interruption,’ Heechul glares, eyes turning back to the screen where Yunho is trying to wiggle out of tight jeans.
‘I thought you had failsafe programming for that Hee?’ Yoochun asks, shoveling popcorn unattractively.
‘Oh yeah… I forgot about that,’ Heechul scratches his chin thoughtfully, ‘Well Yunho hasn’t changed the settings yet has he?’
They all watch the monitor where Max is yanking the offending jeans from Yunho’s legs in a manner that could never be described as gentle.
‘Nope,’ Junsu reaches to unbutton his own jeans, ‘I’d say we’re good to go and Max is still set to RRR.’
‘Wait? What do you mean “failsafe”? What the fuck is RRR?’ Changmin is growing increasingly agitated and impatient.
‘It stands for Rough and Ready Rapist,’ Jaejoong grins, ‘Max doesn’t process the word no.’
They all turn back to the screen.
Changmin’s eye twitches before he whips from the room, quickly yanking the robot from Yunho’s room and shutting the man’s laptop closed.
“Hey! What are you doing?” Yunho exclaims, hopping around with one ankle still caught in the confines of his jeans. “Where are you taking Max?”
“Stay here and don’t you dare move!” Changmin commands as he hauls his metal doppelganger out of the room. The stupid robot is resisting.
“Please remove your hands from my person or I will resort to force.”
“Shut up,” Changmin replies scathingly as he successfully slams the bedroom door behind him. “Don’t make me restore you to factory settings. I don’t want to have to grab you by the balls to do that.”
“I would not be adverse to that,” the robot says with a very good impression of Yoochun’s leer. Changmin suppresses a shudder.
“You’ve created a monster.” He announces when he stands in the threshold of Jaejoong’s room with the robot in tow. The occupants stare at him for a moment before all hell breaks loose.
“Maxie!” Heechul squeals, nearly upending the bowl of popcorn in his hands as he leaps from the bed.
“Chullie!” the robot exclaims, equally excited and Changmin has to endure his replica launch himself at the other man.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” he mutters as cooing between creator and created ensues. It is sort of horrifying to watch himself cuddle with Heechul on Jaejoong’s rainbow patterned sheets. It’s not something he’d ever contemplate much less actually do, so actually seeing it happen with his very own eyes makes his stomach churn.
“That is kind of disgusting.” Yoochun observes from his position against the headboard.
“Definitely gross,” Junsu agrees beside him, somehow still able to shove a handful of popcorn into his mouth even while Heechul and the robot begin to roll around the mattress giggling sweet nothings into each other’s ear.
“You’re gross,” Yoochun retorts, stealing back the bowl.
“Shut up,” Junsu replies just as quickly. “Don’t get me started Mr. Syphilis.”
‘Well you-‘
‘Why are you both always here when neither of you pay rent?’ Changmin’s voice booms, a dark aura of frustration and anger settling over the room causing even Heechul and Max’s incessant chatter to cease.
‘We’re invited guests?’ Yoochun ventures tentatively, quickly withering underneath Changmin’s intense glare.
‘Get out,’ Changmin orders and Yoochun and Junsu scramble to collect their things, rushing out the door.
Changmin grabs Heechul by the collar, dragging him towards the hallway, ‘You can leave too, unless you’re here to take that stupid robot back, I don’t want to see you.’ Changmin shoves the man out of the apartment.
‘It’s hardly stupid, Changmin! You’re just jealous-‘ The door slams and Changmin slides the bolt, ‘Everyone likes him more!’ Heechul screams from outside the apartment.
‘Yeah well, who wants to be liked anyway,’ Changmin mutters, ‘All it gets you is freaking robotic replicas and a bad case of the clap.’ Changmin pauses at Jaejoong’s room to yell at his doppelganger and chaos inducing roommate, ‘And you!’ He points, ‘Yunho ordered you to stay here for the night! He also said to tell you that you should plug in with Jaejoong.’
Jaejoong turns, eyes wide to face the robot, ‘No!’
The robot leers; advancing as Changmin quietly closes the door behind him and retires to his own room for some much needed rest.
“What are you doing here?” Yunho asks with an audible sniffle. He’s kneeling on Changmin’s bed, fluffing the pillows and looking dejected and wary. He turns his nose up in a haughty manner when Changmin enters and it’s only by sheer force of will that Changmin refuses to stand awkwardly in his own doorway.
“This is my room, it’s only right that I sleep here.” He answers brusquely, eyes unable to look away from Yunho’s choice of sleep wear. They look oddly familiar. “Are those my boxers?”
“Oh, yeah, Jaejoong said I could borrow some of yours since mine are so horrible looking they burn his eyes.” Yunho’s cheeks warm as he’s unable to meet Changmin’s scandalized gaze. “It was either this or… some kind of frilled pink dressing gown.”
Changmin’s seen that particular ensemble and grudgingly has to sympathize. “Well, whatever. You’re only sleeping. It doesn’t matter what you wear.”
“I actually don’t wear anything to bed but I thought that would be kind of weird since this isn’t really my bed, but if you don’t mind me sleeping in the nude then - ”
“OKAY, you know what? On second thought go ahead and borrow them.” Changmin interrupts. “But I expect you to wash those out. Particularly with a lot of bleach. Who knows what diseases Yoochun might spread,” he adds muttering.
“You’re really sleeping here?” Yunho asks, genuinely surprised when Changmin strips off his shirt and climbs into bed.
“My bed, remember? And will you scoot over, I’m about to fall off here.”
“But - don’t you need to plug-in or something? Recharge? Do you want me to help?”
Changmin sighs heavily and stares a hole into his ceiling before answering, “No, I do not need to ‘plug-in’ or ‘recharge’ and I most certainly do not need your help to do it. But thanks for the offer. Now will you just please shut up and go to sleep?”
“Yeah, sure. Okay.”
Changmin’s got his eyes closed, but his bed isn’t exactly huge and he can feel every move Yunho makes, all of it awkward and stilted. He can feel the tension in the other man when their shoulders brush under the covers and it sends a jolt of something sharp and electric down his arm. Abruptly, Changmin turns on his side and tries to ignore the sudden, inexplicable heat the room has plunged into. He focuses the rest of his attention throwing daggers at his door, just daring that stupid robot to come barging in. He’ll relish grabbing it by the balls and shutting the thing off once and for all.
Changmin doesn’t relax his vigil until the wee hours of the morning when faint thuds against the wall and a load, prolonged moan in a high pitch Jaejoong was capable of only while in the throes of passion disturbs the quiet of 3 a.m. His lips quirk in a smile as he’s finally able to burrow into his covers, satisfied with his little bit of revenge.
A week later and Changmin plays witness to his shirtless self lifting new furniture with ease into Yunho’s bedroom. He’s both slightly glad to get relief from both Yunho pressing against his back as he sleeps and his annoying mechanical doppelganger, whilst the smallest part of him knows he’ll miss making fun Yunho’s stupid sleeping expression in the mornings.
He catches Yoochun leering at the robot’s chest, ‘Hey sleazebag, stop it! You’ll give everyone a disease with that look,’ Changmin reprimands.
His words don’t phase Yoochun though, the man merely making a lewd gesture with his tongue, ‘I’d like to give you a disease…or rather Max,’ Yoochun grabs at the robot’s behind, causing Max to turn.
‘Don’t you dare even think about it,’ Changmin threatens, utterly horrified with the image of himself copulating with Yoochun. ‘And why is he shirtless? Robots don’t sweat!’
‘Max didn't want to get his clothes dirty,’ Yunho shrugs as he tries to help his robot move a large box.
The robot pushes Yunho aside gently, ‘Allow me,’ he lifts the largest box with ease and Changmin swears it flexes its biceps intentionally. ‘I still think we should have gotten the water bed,’ Max pouts disappointedly at the box of bed pieces he has to construct.
‘But what if you got wet?!’ Yunho asks, full of concern and eyes wide.
‘I am designed for all conditions, for the more adventurous partner,’ Max winks at Yunho, smiling seductively, ‘Perhaps you would be interested in a round of pool se-‘
Changmin quickly shoves his robotic counterpart aside, feigning interest in the instruction booklet, ‘I’ll help you put this together.’
‘No need! My superior intellect and processing chip will allow me to assemble Yunho and I a sturdy support for all traditional positions of intercourse,’ The robot nods confidently before eyeing the mattress sceptically, ‘Though I have my doubts the manufacturing quality of that mattress will withhold the intensity and impetus of my thrusts.’
The robot looks grave as he contemplates the matter before nodding firmly at Yunho, ‘Yunho! For all particularly enthusiastic sessions we should relocate to the floor first for safety!’
Yunho blinks; once, then twice before tilting his head to the side, ‘You mean like a safety drill? Isn’t the fire escape over there?’ Yunho points.
‘Well I am rather like a drill,’ Max leers, ‘But the fire escape seems most impractical…I did not know you were into exhibitionism. I’m sure we can arrange something- perhaps that nice park we walked through yesterday?’
“Ooh the park.” Yoochun practically oozes. “Kinky. I like. Any chance I can get in on that?”
“You want to come?” Yunho asks brightly, pausing in his attempt at lifting another box to smile eagerly at Yoochun. “I’m trying to get into the habit of going for nightly runs. You can join us if you want. The more the merrier.”
Yoochun smiles, the expression closer to a leer. There’s been a lot of leering recently. “Oh, definitely. The more the merrier indeed.”
Junsu snorts loudly from his place in front of the television, thumbs not missing a beat on the controller as he says, “Yoochun going for nightly runs? Are you kidding? He has about as much stamina as a sloth - which means none. Trust me, I speak from experience.”
“That doesn’t explain why my stash of condoms was horribly depleted that one time I left my duffel bag at your apartment,” Jaejoong muses with an arched brow while staring unabashedly at Max’s flexing biceps. He’s sprouted some strange affinity towards the robot since Changmin had taken up arms with Yunho in his room and Max been relegated to sleeping in Jaejoong’s bed and plugging-in there instead.
Junsu’s on screen self promptly self-destructs. Junsu’s face is an odd shade of maroon and he’s suddenly all too engrossed in his spiralling number of points. “I have no idea what you’re talking about! And that’s not what I meant about stamina!”
“Sure you didn’t.” Changmin retorts with unnecessary heat. He’s been inexplicably irritable and easily annoyed these days. Changmin blames it on Yunho and that horrible excuse for a robot. “Why are you two here anyway? Haven’t we established the fact that neither of you pay rent, therefore you are not welcome?”
“Now, now, Changmin. Don’t be rude,” Jaejoong reprimands, taking his eyes off Max’s impressive musculature to spare Yoochun a very obvious wink. “I live here too and I say they’re more than welcome. Besides, they’re here to help Yunho move the rest of his stuff into his new room.”
“No, they’re here to mooch off our food and add to our power bill,” Changmin seethes as Junsu wanders into the kitchen and starts to rifle through the fridge. Yoochun takes his place in front of the TV, successfully running his character into a ditch with a press of a button.
“Why are you always so... prickly?” Junsu asks, coming back into the living room with a bowl of something that looks suspiciously like Changmin’s stash of frozen mochi.
“Yeah, and not in the good way,” Yoochun agrees, immediately making crude gestures with his hands and pointing at his crotch to make it obvious what he meant by ‘the good way.’
“First, if you want to live to see the next five minutes, then those had better not be my mochi you’re shoving into your mouth,” Changmin threatens, eyes narrowed at Junsu. “Second, prickly? I’m not prickly. What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you need to get laid but can’t because of your lack of personality or effort and so you’re taking out your sexual frustrations on poor innocent people,” Jaejoong comments flippantly, licking his lips when Max bends over to put down a box. “Like us.”
“I hardly think you’re innocent -”
“Did someone say sexual frustrations?” Max says as he straightens, another ready leer on his face. “How may I be of service?”
‘I’m almost certain Yunho requires your assistance in that department,’ Yoochun gropes Yunho’s bottom casually.
Jaejoong pouts, ‘I want it too- Yunho, why don’t we swap? You can have Changmin and I’ll have your robot for a while if you’re not going to use him.’
Yunho looks at Changmin, clearly startled by the offer, ‘N-No thank you, I like Max.’
‘I like you too,’ The robot crowds Yunho from behind, wrapping arms around the man and not so subtly pressing his crotch against Yunho’s ass. ‘Let me show you how much.’
‘Yah! I’m not going to switch either! I don’t belong to you Jaejoong, stop being such a jerk,’ Changmin fumes.
‘Changmin’s an independent robot?’ Yunho asks, a bewildered expression on his face. ‘They have those here?’
‘Oh yeah, there’s a couple of group movements about these days,’ Junsu says, still stuffing his face with mochi, ‘They’re surprisingly good at business enterprises.’
Yoochun nods, ‘They run some of the strip clubs too,’ Yoochun looks wistful.
‘Naturally, robots make for very good disciplinarians and therefore very efficient pimps,’ Max says simply.
‘But aren’t they just programmed to behave and do their jobs?’ Yunho asks, eyes wide with curiosity.
‘No, no- they keep the humans in line,’ Max’s hand slides lower, towards Yunho’s belt, ‘Perhaps I could give you a demonstration,’ he whispers against Yunho’s ear.
‘Or perhaps you could actually be useful and build the stupid bed so that the rest of us may use the hallway freely once again,’ Changmin scowls in distaste.
‘I sense hostility from this robot,’ Max turns to Yunho, ‘I can run a detailed psychological analysis later but it would not be unreasonable to assume he is feeling threatened and inadequate by my presence and superior skill and good looks. I believe it is customary to comfort others during such times.’
Yunho bites his lip, nodding before shooting Changmin a sympathetic glance, ‘Don’t worry, Changmin. You make a very nice robot- and you could always upgrade!’ Yunho adds thoughtfully.
Jaejoong and Yoochun snicker as Junsu adds, ‘It’s not your fault you’re inadequate! We still love you!’
‘We promise not to sell you for scrap,’ Jaejoong grins, patting Changmin’s head condescendingly.
Changmin splutters indignantly, ‘We look exactly the same! What do you mean by superior good looks? And for the last time, I am NOT a r-‘
‘Redundant piece of machinery?’ Jaejoong interrupts.
‘Rhythmically challenged idiot?’ Yoochun supplies, ‘I’m sorry Changmin, but I’ve seen you dancing.’
‘Ridiculously designed android?’ Junsu pipes in, ‘I mean have you seen those ears? Of course you have…who could miss them?’ He shakes his head gravely, ‘I just hope they function better than the rest of him.’
‘A retard?’ Max guesses, ‘All evidence suggests serious malfunctioning errors in your programming…’
Changmin let’s out a frustrated sigh before pushing past Yunho and slamming the door of his bedroom behind him.
He stays in his room for the rest of the day, refusing to make an appearance, even when Jaejoong tries to lure him out with food. He’s sulking; Jaejoong calls him out on it but Changmin will never admit to it. For now he’s content to diminish his stash of emergency food, indulging in more mochi and chocolate turtles than he’s ever had in one sitting. It’s comfort food and Changmin refuses to even think about why he might need comforting.
He makes sure everyone’s gone to bed, watching for all the lights to shut off one by one through the slit under his door. He must have fallen asleep while waiting, Yoochun and Junsu’s raucous presence no longer evident when he gets up. Jaejoong also seems to have stopped making himself a nuisance at Changmin’s door and there doesn’t seem to be any more movement outside. Changmin is tempted to stay in bed like he’s done for most of the day, but then his stomach growls, protesting at the neglect and Changmin has no choice but to brave the outside world.
Changmin peeks out first, stealthily poking his head out before deeming the darkened hallway safe from annoying roommates and awkward robots. He’s just about to turn the corner into the kitchen when he spies a triangle of light cutting across the floor. Quickly, he presses himself silently against the adjoining wall.
“Here?” a voice says, too low for Changmin to immediately identify. Changmin strains his ears to hear who else could be awake at such an ungodly hour.
“Lower,” another answers, and Changmin freezes. He’d know that voice anywhere; it was his own after all.
“Did I get it all?” Yunho’s voice is unmistakable now.
“Not quite. You must… keep rubbing or else it might be painful.”
What? Rub what?! Changmin screams in his head, explicit images flashing through his head. Curiosity and burning outrage have him inching quietly towards the bathroom door.
“I don’t understand why I can’t just use my hands. Wouldn’t it be better if - ”
“Nonsense,” Max cuts in. “You mustn’t waste food. Do you know how many children go hungry every day?”
“No, no. You’re right. I’m sorry. Let me just- the angle’s a bit wrong.”
“You should just kneel. If you get any on the floor, Jaejoong will be very angry.”
“Oh - ” There’s a muffled thud as Yunho’s knees presumably hit the rug on the bathroom floor. He’s saying something else but that too, comes out garbled and for Changmin, it’s the final straw.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!”
He bursts into the bathroom to find Yunho with his pink tongue extended, on his knees in front of Max who has his fly unbuttoned. His nostrils flare as he fumes, taking in the sight of the robot’s stomach covered in a creamy substance that drips down its abdomen.
Yunho barely remembers to recede his tongue before he says innocently, ‘Cleaning?’
The robot nods, a satisfied smile on its face as it says, ‘He squeezed too hard.’
Yunho’s leans in to drag his tongue through the thick, white fluid and Changmin swallows hard when the man moans, licking his lips before returning for more. Changmin feels his cock twitch as Yunho laps eagerly at the mess over Max’s stomach but when the robot begins to lower his pants and push Yunho’s head down he snaps, yanking his roommate roughly to his feet and away from Max.
‘Use a fucking towel,’ Changmin yells, glaring viciously, ‘That’s not food!’
‘You’re right, I guess,’ The robot concedes, holding out a tube of condensed milk and inspecting the label, ‘One would normally consume it in confectionary goods but Yunho loves it so much.’
‘Please don’t tell Jaejoong,’ Yunho pleads from behind him, ‘He always makes me diet.’
It clicks over in Changmin’s brain half a second later, ‘You’re fucking kidding me!’
‘Presently I’m not fucking or kidding anyone,’ The robot’s eyes seem to flash menacingly, ‘You interrupted.’
‘You were taking advantage!’ Changmin points accusingly, ‘of an idiot too! Really, it’s worse than a child!’ He gestures at Yunho who looks confused.
‘I am unsure as to why that’s your concern.’
Changmin flushes, stumbling over words, ‘It’s -I - You-“
‘Did you call me an idiot, Changmin?’ Yunho looks at him, hurt in his eyes and Changmin feels both guilt and anger build in him.
‘You think I’m a robot!’ He explodes, incredulous.
‘You aren’t?’ Yunho looks startled and Changmin swears his eyes look watery.
‘Of course I’m not,’ He quiets down, ‘I’m human, always have been.’
‘Oh,’ Yunho leans against the washing machine, ‘So why did you pretend to be one?’
‘I never did! Jaejoong just made up shit and you didn’t listen when I tried to tell you.’
‘Oh,’ Yunho says again, ‘Well I’d better finish cleaning Max up now.’ He grabs a cloth and rinses it under the tap.
‘You're not angry?’ Changmin thinks Yunho’s back looks small as he wrings out the washcloth.
‘I’m not mad,’ Yunho says, turning to swipe the cloth over Max’s skin, ‘I do feel stupid though, so I guess you were right about that part.’
‘I’m sorry?’ Changmin’s really never been good at basic human interaction, let alone an upset Yunho.
Yunho rinses off the last of the condensed milk in the sink, drying Max and handing him back a t-shirt. He sighs, ‘No, I’m sorry Changmin, because before when you were being mean I could just write it off as bad programming- now I know it’s just you.’ Yunho holds onto Max’s hand as he leads them out the bathroom, the robot smirking as it looks back over its shoulder at Changmin.
The whole thing makes Changmin feel hollow, like a void had somehow taken up residence in his chest. Changmin came out of his room with an empty stomach and goes back with an empty heart.
A/N: This is to celebrate our community reaching 100 members in the first month! So much thanks to everyone who joined <3 We appreciate the support.
To think this was originally going to be a serious collaboration… well it was far more fun seeing what ridiculous new feature Max had developed every couple of paragraphs. Any differences in spelling and grammar are because of long raging battles between the Empress's country and my own- it's a bloody fight to the death over the correct use of the letter 'Z' and the additional 'U'. Next part up soon.
