Now and Always- Chapter 7
On we go.
Previous parts can be found here.
Chapter 7
“Day 112: I had this dream last night, or maybe it was more like a memory. Spike and I were in the Lake District again, in the little house that Dawn had rented for us. It all felt so real-I could even smell him. When I woke up this morning and realized that it was just a dream, I gave serious thought to jumping off the roof of the hotel.” ~Excerpt from the diary of Buffy Summers
Dawn sat down next to Oliver in the window seat of the Council library. The east-facing window generally had a spectacular view of the sunrise, assuming that it wasn’t overcast, and he was more of a morning person. Then again, he didn’t have to be out late patrolling, so he had the opportunity.
“Ready to go back?” she asked softly. Cleveland definitely felt like home now, although being back in England was nice, and having the opportunity to see everyone again was even better. Dawn knew that Giles had spoken to Willow and Oz about going to Cleveland with them, at least for a little while. Faith and Wes appeared to have things under control in L.A., and Zoë and Arnold were doing really well in Brazil.
In a couple of days, they would all disperse, and her sister would take Spike north, where he would hopefully recover his memories sooner, rather than later.
“I am.”
“I wondered if you would want to,” she admitted. “I mean, England is home for you.”
Oliver shook his head. “No, not really. My parents are gone, and we didn’t have a lot of family here.” He smiled. “Besides, you’re in Cleveland.”
“You’re sweet.”
He snorted. “Hardly.”
Dawn didn’t respond; they’d had this argument in the past. “How are you feeling?”
“Better, actually. Miriam had the coven working on some new medications that took care of most of the pain. Since they’re topical applications, I don’t have to be concerned with having my wits dulled.”
“You certainly can’t afford to have your wits any duller,” Dawn teased.
Oliver moved quickly, his fingers finding the most ticklish place on her sides, causing her to shriek with laughter. Dawn quickly stifled it, and tried to get away from his merciless assault. When Oliver finally stopped, he was half on top of her, his thumb just brushing the underside of her breast.
Their laughter died, the mood changing entirely. His lips were bare centimeters from hers when Dawn heard a cough. She glanced over to see Spike standing there, clearly torn between amusement and embarrassment.
“Sorry,” he said. “Didn’t realize the room was occupied.”
Oliver sat up quickly. “It’s, uh, not. We were just…”
“Going back to our room,” Dawn filled in, giving Spike a brilliant smile. “Excuse us.”
Dawn felt slightly guilty for leaving the room, knowing that she was going back to Cleveland the next day, and that it would likely be quite some time before she saw Spike again. He wasn’t really Spike anymore, however. He looked like Spike, and sounded like Spike, but there was no recognition in his gaze, no affection in his smile.
In a way, Dawn was grateful that she could leave and allow Spike to recover his memories without having to be around in the interim. She suspected that Buffy would prefer to do the same.
~~~~~
“How long do you think you’ll be there?” Giles asked, pouring himself a drink.
Buffy’s sigh was loud in the quiet study. “A week? A month? Hell, I don’t know. It depends.”
He hesitated to press her, knowing that they had not yet completely repaired their relationship. “I don’t want you to think that I’m requiring you to set a timeframe, Buffy. I’m just curious as to what sort of criteria you’re setting as far as when you’ll be ready to return.”
“I don’t know.” She sounded frustrated, but Giles sensed that it wasn’t in relation to him. “I guess it depends on how things go. If being away isn’t helping, we’ll probably come back sooner.”
“And what will you do if it doesn’t help?” he asked gently.
Buffy looked stricken. “If it doesn’t help, I’ll probably ask you to find somewhere else for me to go.”
Giles felt an enormous sympathy for his Slayer. He could sense her sadness and her fear, and he wished there was something he could do to ease her pain-but there wasn’t.
“I’ll do whatever you ask, Buffy.”
“Thanks.” She rose. “I should make sure we’re packed.”
He let her go and went back to his planning. Although things were better than they had been, there was still much to consider. Slayers had to be rotated in and out of hot zones. He’d learned the importance of giving the girls time for rest and recreation after his years as Buffy’s Watcher, and he did his best to apply those principles now.
Audra and Vi would be arriving shortly; they would take Fred and Gunn’s places as that pair went back to Los Angeles. Dawn and Oliver would be fine in Cleveland with Willow and Oz, and things in Brazil and Munich were going well.
There were other Hellmouths, of course, other places in the world where Slayers were required. Giles focused on those areas, wanting to be sure that the available talent pool was distributed in the most effective manner.
As always, he could forget how he’d failed his Slayer by concentrating on the task at hand, at least for a short time.
~~~~~
In a way, it had been like old times, hanging out with Willow, Oz, and Xander, even with the addition of Corey. Buffy liked Xander’s girlfriend; she was smart, funny, and really good for him; Buffy would have liked her for that reason alone.
So much had happened in the last couple of years, though, and they faced separation once again at the end of the week, that the feeling was noticeably different. Buffy noticed it, anyway, even if the others hadn’t.
Plus, Buffy couldn’t quite shake the melancholy that had settled over her. She and Spike were doing okay; she was growing used to his standoffishness and the way he kept to his own side of the bed. She no longer felt a pang of regret every time he looked at her with that strange, unfamiliar expression.
Buffy had decided that a large part of her problem was that Spike had never been indifferent to her; he had hated her, and he had loved her, but he had never treated her with the casual regard one might give an acquaintance.
She wondered if they were doing the right thing by leaving; this vacation could easily end up driving them apart, rather than bringing them together.
“You ready to go?”
She turned to see Willow lingering in the doorway. “Yeah, I think so. That shopping trip helped.”
It had been a girls-only trip with her, Willow, Dawn and Corey, and it had given her a much-needed break from thinking about all that had happened, and everything that had changed. It had also allowed her to restock her depleted wardrobe.
Buffy didn’t think she’d ever been reduced to a few pairs of well-worn jeans and a few shirts before, not to mention how many pairs of shoes had been ruined in L.A.
“Same here.” Willow entered the room and sat on the bed hesitantly. “How are you feeling?”
“Honestly? I’m wondering why I even bother.”
Willow didn’t ask her to clarify; Buffy knew that the other woman understood. “Because when Spike regains his memories, it will all be worth it?”
“If he does,” Buffy muttered.
Willow was silent, clearly sensing that Buffy had had her fill of platitudes and reassuring comments about how much Spike had loved her, and how he was a fighter. “What will you do if he doesn’t?”
No one other than Giles had asked her that question yet, and Buffy was absurdly grateful to finally have someone else acknowledge the possibility. “I don’t know.” She snorted. “I’ve been saying that a lot lately.”
“It makes sense. All you’ve really had to think about was fighting demons for the last year. Now there are all kinds of options.”
Buffy forced a smile. “Yeah. I definitely have options now.”
A brief knock sounded on the door, and Nora poked her head in. “Giles said to tell you that the car is ready, Buffy.”
“Thanks, Nora.”
Buffy met Willow’s eyes, and they hugged. “Thanks.”
Willow pulled back. “For what?”
“For staying with me.”
The witch smiled. “What else are friends for?”
~~~~~
Spike stared out the window of the train, not really seeing the scenery. The last week had been strange, and almost surreal. He didn’t think that anyone who had not been informed of his memory loss would have sensed any difference, but his relationship with Buffy had become strained.
He knew that the more time went by without him regaining his memories, the harder it became for her, and Spike sensed that if they left the Lake District with things the way they were now, Buffy wouldn’t stay with him.
“Are you okay?”
He turned to face her. She was sitting in the seat next to him, her expression inscrutable. “Sure. You?”
She nodded, looking past him to the scenery whizzing by. “Yeah. It’s been a long time since I had a vacation. This should be great.”
“Right.”
The awkward silence that fell had Spike searching for something, anything to say. They could hardly get to know one another again if they couldn’t speak to each other. “Have you spoken with anyone in Los Angeles?”
Buffy appeared startled, as though she hadn’t been expecting him to initiate conversation. Now that he thought about it, Spike realized that he hadn’t. “I emailed Faith before we left Bath,” she admitted. “The reopening of their section went off without a hitch, and Fred and Gunn got back okay. She said it was probably a good thing that Abby had to stay in England for school right now, though. Things at the hotel are still unsettled.”
Spike cleared his throat. “Someone in L.A. mentioned something about Abby being with me right before I disappeared.”
“Angel figured out that the Black Thorn was going to start an apocalypse, and you guys made a preemptive strike. She went with you to rescue a baby and kill the Fell Brethren.”
“Is that all I ever was?”
“What?” Her brow furrowed in concern.
“A killer?”
Buffy opened her mouth to reply, then shut it again just as quickly. “No,” she said finally. “From what I know, you were a good man before you were turned, and even before you got your soul, you were doing the right thing. Most of the time.”
The last bit was said wryly, with a nostalgic smile that made Spike wish he knew what she was referring to. It was a little like being in a room full of people who knew one another and continued to use inside jokes. When she did that, Spike felt as though the walls between them were too thick to ever break through.
Then again, there were other times that he got the impression that they had been two united against the world, and that Buffy believed herself to be completely alone now.
“What were you like before you were the Slayer?”
Buffy let out a little laugh. “You never asked me about that before.”
For some reason, that pleased him. “Oh?”
“I guess there was never a reason for you to ask.” Buffy leaned back in her seat, a little smile playing around her lips. “I was pretty awful, really.”
He shifted so that he was facing her as much as possible. “I find that hard to believe.”
She flushed a little with pleasure and shook her head. “Believe me. I was incredibly shallow.” Pausing, she added, “I’m not sure how to explain it, really. There isn’t a reference point. All I cared about were clothes, boys, and how popular I was.”
“And then what?”
“Then I became the Slayer, and suddenly it was all life and death, all the time.”
“Do you regret it?”
Buffy blinked, looking a little teary. “You did ask me that before.”
“And what did you say?”
“That I couldn’t regret being the Slayer because I wouldn’t have had Dawn-or you-otherwise.”
Spike reached for her hand, interlacing their fingers, pleased when she squeezed his hand and leaned her head against his shoulder.
~~~~~
Giles had somehow managed to rent the same small cottage that Dawn had, and Buffy wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. There were memories in every corner of the time they’d spent there-making love, talking, lying in comfortable silence.
And yet being here again gave her hope. If it had been that good then, what was to say it couldn’t be that good again? They had dealt with so many obstacles and overcome every one. They could do it again.
“There’s only one bedroom,” she said apologetically as he put his bag down by the bed. When Spike didn’t answer right away, Buffy took a step towards him. “Spike?”
He stood, frozen, and she moved to stand in front of him. His eyes were very far away, and Buffy touched his arm. He had reached for her on the train, which gave her hope that they would somehow manage to bridge the gulf between them. “Spike?”
“We came here.”
Hope leapt in her chest. “Yes.”
“And then-then we went to get Harry and Nora.”
Buffy nodded. “Yes. You remember?”
“I remember that much.” He glanced at the bed, and his eyes darkened with desire, a sight so familiar that Buffy felt her breath catch. “How long were we here?”
“Five nights, four days. I made Giles let you come to Scotland with me to get Nora and Harry.” She took a breath. “What else?”
He shook his head. “That’s all.” Spike raised his eyebrows. “Did we go anywhere else while we were here?”
“The pub down in the village,” Buffy admitted. “Do you-do you want to go?”
“Maybe later.” Spike wandered away from her. “Where else were we together?”
Buffy had never wished that Sunnydale was still in existence more than in that moment. “We weren’t. A few days in Osmotherley, a little time in Bath, a long weekend in Munich. That’s about it since you came back.”
She had told him about his death and the amulet, and she’d told him about Sunnydale. She wondered if he understood how little time they’d had together.
~~~~~
Spike had thought that it was all coming back to him for a moment. For one, brief flash, he could see it all-their time in the cottage, the trip to Dumfries, collecting Harry and Nora. He’d almost been able to recapture all those old feelings, too, including the love and easy camaraderie he’d shared with Buffy.
But it had passed, leaving him feeling even emptier when it was gone.
When Buffy had prodded him about going to the pub, clearly in the hope that it would bring back more of his memories, Spike had finally agreed. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how they were supposed to spend the next days or weeks together alone, and being around other people could only help in his mind.
They were hailed by the proprietor cheerfully when they entered, although Spike didn’t think it was because the woman remembered them. Buffy ordered drinks for both of them, and they found a quiet corner.
“How long are you two staying?” the barmaid asked when she brought their drinks.
Buffy smiled, and Spike wondered if the woman saw how forced the expression was. “We’re not sure yet. We’ve both got a lot of vacation saved up.”
They made more pleasant conversation about the weather and sightseeing opportunities, although Spike soon tuned them out, too lost in his own thoughts to pay attention to small talk.
“Earth to Spike.” He glanced up to see Buffy watching him. “Penny for your thoughts?”
“I’m not really thinking of much of anything, to be honest.” He hesitated. “Is there something we didn’t ever do?”
“What do you mean?”
“I feel as though I’m trying to fill someone else’s shoes. Maybe if we did something new, something we’ve never done before.”
Her expression turned considering. “We never went dancing.”
“Really? I find that hard to believe.”
“You said all we’d ever done was dance,” Buffy murmured. “And we never dated, not in any usual sense.”
Spike suddenly saw how he might manage this-how he might forge a connection with her that was his alone, with no thought for the man he had been.
“Then maybe it’s time to start.”
Previous parts can be found here.
Chapter 7
“Day 112: I had this dream last night, or maybe it was more like a memory. Spike and I were in the Lake District again, in the little house that Dawn had rented for us. It all felt so real-I could even smell him. When I woke up this morning and realized that it was just a dream, I gave serious thought to jumping off the roof of the hotel.” ~Excerpt from the diary of Buffy Summers
Dawn sat down next to Oliver in the window seat of the Council library. The east-facing window generally had a spectacular view of the sunrise, assuming that it wasn’t overcast, and he was more of a morning person. Then again, he didn’t have to be out late patrolling, so he had the opportunity.
“Ready to go back?” she asked softly. Cleveland definitely felt like home now, although being back in England was nice, and having the opportunity to see everyone again was even better. Dawn knew that Giles had spoken to Willow and Oz about going to Cleveland with them, at least for a little while. Faith and Wes appeared to have things under control in L.A., and Zoë and Arnold were doing really well in Brazil.
In a couple of days, they would all disperse, and her sister would take Spike north, where he would hopefully recover his memories sooner, rather than later.
“I am.”
“I wondered if you would want to,” she admitted. “I mean, England is home for you.”
Oliver shook his head. “No, not really. My parents are gone, and we didn’t have a lot of family here.” He smiled. “Besides, you’re in Cleveland.”
“You’re sweet.”
He snorted. “Hardly.”
Dawn didn’t respond; they’d had this argument in the past. “How are you feeling?”
“Better, actually. Miriam had the coven working on some new medications that took care of most of the pain. Since they’re topical applications, I don’t have to be concerned with having my wits dulled.”
“You certainly can’t afford to have your wits any duller,” Dawn teased.
Oliver moved quickly, his fingers finding the most ticklish place on her sides, causing her to shriek with laughter. Dawn quickly stifled it, and tried to get away from his merciless assault. When Oliver finally stopped, he was half on top of her, his thumb just brushing the underside of her breast.
Their laughter died, the mood changing entirely. His lips were bare centimeters from hers when Dawn heard a cough. She glanced over to see Spike standing there, clearly torn between amusement and embarrassment.
“Sorry,” he said. “Didn’t realize the room was occupied.”
Oliver sat up quickly. “It’s, uh, not. We were just…”
“Going back to our room,” Dawn filled in, giving Spike a brilliant smile. “Excuse us.”
Dawn felt slightly guilty for leaving the room, knowing that she was going back to Cleveland the next day, and that it would likely be quite some time before she saw Spike again. He wasn’t really Spike anymore, however. He looked like Spike, and sounded like Spike, but there was no recognition in his gaze, no affection in his smile.
In a way, Dawn was grateful that she could leave and allow Spike to recover his memories without having to be around in the interim. She suspected that Buffy would prefer to do the same.
~~~~~
“How long do you think you’ll be there?” Giles asked, pouring himself a drink.
Buffy’s sigh was loud in the quiet study. “A week? A month? Hell, I don’t know. It depends.”
He hesitated to press her, knowing that they had not yet completely repaired their relationship. “I don’t want you to think that I’m requiring you to set a timeframe, Buffy. I’m just curious as to what sort of criteria you’re setting as far as when you’ll be ready to return.”
“I don’t know.” She sounded frustrated, but Giles sensed that it wasn’t in relation to him. “I guess it depends on how things go. If being away isn’t helping, we’ll probably come back sooner.”
“And what will you do if it doesn’t help?” he asked gently.
Buffy looked stricken. “If it doesn’t help, I’ll probably ask you to find somewhere else for me to go.”
Giles felt an enormous sympathy for his Slayer. He could sense her sadness and her fear, and he wished there was something he could do to ease her pain-but there wasn’t.
“I’ll do whatever you ask, Buffy.”
“Thanks.” She rose. “I should make sure we’re packed.”
He let her go and went back to his planning. Although things were better than they had been, there was still much to consider. Slayers had to be rotated in and out of hot zones. He’d learned the importance of giving the girls time for rest and recreation after his years as Buffy’s Watcher, and he did his best to apply those principles now.
Audra and Vi would be arriving shortly; they would take Fred and Gunn’s places as that pair went back to Los Angeles. Dawn and Oliver would be fine in Cleveland with Willow and Oz, and things in Brazil and Munich were going well.
There were other Hellmouths, of course, other places in the world where Slayers were required. Giles focused on those areas, wanting to be sure that the available talent pool was distributed in the most effective manner.
As always, he could forget how he’d failed his Slayer by concentrating on the task at hand, at least for a short time.
~~~~~
In a way, it had been like old times, hanging out with Willow, Oz, and Xander, even with the addition of Corey. Buffy liked Xander’s girlfriend; she was smart, funny, and really good for him; Buffy would have liked her for that reason alone.
So much had happened in the last couple of years, though, and they faced separation once again at the end of the week, that the feeling was noticeably different. Buffy noticed it, anyway, even if the others hadn’t.
Plus, Buffy couldn’t quite shake the melancholy that had settled over her. She and Spike were doing okay; she was growing used to his standoffishness and the way he kept to his own side of the bed. She no longer felt a pang of regret every time he looked at her with that strange, unfamiliar expression.
Buffy had decided that a large part of her problem was that Spike had never been indifferent to her; he had hated her, and he had loved her, but he had never treated her with the casual regard one might give an acquaintance.
She wondered if they were doing the right thing by leaving; this vacation could easily end up driving them apart, rather than bringing them together.
“You ready to go?”
She turned to see Willow lingering in the doorway. “Yeah, I think so. That shopping trip helped.”
It had been a girls-only trip with her, Willow, Dawn and Corey, and it had given her a much-needed break from thinking about all that had happened, and everything that had changed. It had also allowed her to restock her depleted wardrobe.
Buffy didn’t think she’d ever been reduced to a few pairs of well-worn jeans and a few shirts before, not to mention how many pairs of shoes had been ruined in L.A.
“Same here.” Willow entered the room and sat on the bed hesitantly. “How are you feeling?”
“Honestly? I’m wondering why I even bother.”
Willow didn’t ask her to clarify; Buffy knew that the other woman understood. “Because when Spike regains his memories, it will all be worth it?”
“If he does,” Buffy muttered.
Willow was silent, clearly sensing that Buffy had had her fill of platitudes and reassuring comments about how much Spike had loved her, and how he was a fighter. “What will you do if he doesn’t?”
No one other than Giles had asked her that question yet, and Buffy was absurdly grateful to finally have someone else acknowledge the possibility. “I don’t know.” She snorted. “I’ve been saying that a lot lately.”
“It makes sense. All you’ve really had to think about was fighting demons for the last year. Now there are all kinds of options.”
Buffy forced a smile. “Yeah. I definitely have options now.”
A brief knock sounded on the door, and Nora poked her head in. “Giles said to tell you that the car is ready, Buffy.”
“Thanks, Nora.”
Buffy met Willow’s eyes, and they hugged. “Thanks.”
Willow pulled back. “For what?”
“For staying with me.”
The witch smiled. “What else are friends for?”
~~~~~
Spike stared out the window of the train, not really seeing the scenery. The last week had been strange, and almost surreal. He didn’t think that anyone who had not been informed of his memory loss would have sensed any difference, but his relationship with Buffy had become strained.
He knew that the more time went by without him regaining his memories, the harder it became for her, and Spike sensed that if they left the Lake District with things the way they were now, Buffy wouldn’t stay with him.
“Are you okay?”
He turned to face her. She was sitting in the seat next to him, her expression inscrutable. “Sure. You?”
She nodded, looking past him to the scenery whizzing by. “Yeah. It’s been a long time since I had a vacation. This should be great.”
“Right.”
The awkward silence that fell had Spike searching for something, anything to say. They could hardly get to know one another again if they couldn’t speak to each other. “Have you spoken with anyone in Los Angeles?”
Buffy appeared startled, as though she hadn’t been expecting him to initiate conversation. Now that he thought about it, Spike realized that he hadn’t. “I emailed Faith before we left Bath,” she admitted. “The reopening of their section went off without a hitch, and Fred and Gunn got back okay. She said it was probably a good thing that Abby had to stay in England for school right now, though. Things at the hotel are still unsettled.”
Spike cleared his throat. “Someone in L.A. mentioned something about Abby being with me right before I disappeared.”
“Angel figured out that the Black Thorn was going to start an apocalypse, and you guys made a preemptive strike. She went with you to rescue a baby and kill the Fell Brethren.”
“Is that all I ever was?”
“What?” Her brow furrowed in concern.
“A killer?”
Buffy opened her mouth to reply, then shut it again just as quickly. “No,” she said finally. “From what I know, you were a good man before you were turned, and even before you got your soul, you were doing the right thing. Most of the time.”
The last bit was said wryly, with a nostalgic smile that made Spike wish he knew what she was referring to. It was a little like being in a room full of people who knew one another and continued to use inside jokes. When she did that, Spike felt as though the walls between them were too thick to ever break through.
Then again, there were other times that he got the impression that they had been two united against the world, and that Buffy believed herself to be completely alone now.
“What were you like before you were the Slayer?”
Buffy let out a little laugh. “You never asked me about that before.”
For some reason, that pleased him. “Oh?”
“I guess there was never a reason for you to ask.” Buffy leaned back in her seat, a little smile playing around her lips. “I was pretty awful, really.”
He shifted so that he was facing her as much as possible. “I find that hard to believe.”
She flushed a little with pleasure and shook her head. “Believe me. I was incredibly shallow.” Pausing, she added, “I’m not sure how to explain it, really. There isn’t a reference point. All I cared about were clothes, boys, and how popular I was.”
“And then what?”
“Then I became the Slayer, and suddenly it was all life and death, all the time.”
“Do you regret it?”
Buffy blinked, looking a little teary. “You did ask me that before.”
“And what did you say?”
“That I couldn’t regret being the Slayer because I wouldn’t have had Dawn-or you-otherwise.”
Spike reached for her hand, interlacing their fingers, pleased when she squeezed his hand and leaned her head against his shoulder.
~~~~~
Giles had somehow managed to rent the same small cottage that Dawn had, and Buffy wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. There were memories in every corner of the time they’d spent there-making love, talking, lying in comfortable silence.
And yet being here again gave her hope. If it had been that good then, what was to say it couldn’t be that good again? They had dealt with so many obstacles and overcome every one. They could do it again.
“There’s only one bedroom,” she said apologetically as he put his bag down by the bed. When Spike didn’t answer right away, Buffy took a step towards him. “Spike?”
He stood, frozen, and she moved to stand in front of him. His eyes were very far away, and Buffy touched his arm. He had reached for her on the train, which gave her hope that they would somehow manage to bridge the gulf between them. “Spike?”
“We came here.”
Hope leapt in her chest. “Yes.”
“And then-then we went to get Harry and Nora.”
Buffy nodded. “Yes. You remember?”
“I remember that much.” He glanced at the bed, and his eyes darkened with desire, a sight so familiar that Buffy felt her breath catch. “How long were we here?”
“Five nights, four days. I made Giles let you come to Scotland with me to get Nora and Harry.” She took a breath. “What else?”
He shook his head. “That’s all.” Spike raised his eyebrows. “Did we go anywhere else while we were here?”
“The pub down in the village,” Buffy admitted. “Do you-do you want to go?”
“Maybe later.” Spike wandered away from her. “Where else were we together?”
Buffy had never wished that Sunnydale was still in existence more than in that moment. “We weren’t. A few days in Osmotherley, a little time in Bath, a long weekend in Munich. That’s about it since you came back.”
She had told him about his death and the amulet, and she’d told him about Sunnydale. She wondered if he understood how little time they’d had together.
~~~~~
Spike had thought that it was all coming back to him for a moment. For one, brief flash, he could see it all-their time in the cottage, the trip to Dumfries, collecting Harry and Nora. He’d almost been able to recapture all those old feelings, too, including the love and easy camaraderie he’d shared with Buffy.
But it had passed, leaving him feeling even emptier when it was gone.
When Buffy had prodded him about going to the pub, clearly in the hope that it would bring back more of his memories, Spike had finally agreed. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how they were supposed to spend the next days or weeks together alone, and being around other people could only help in his mind.
They were hailed by the proprietor cheerfully when they entered, although Spike didn’t think it was because the woman remembered them. Buffy ordered drinks for both of them, and they found a quiet corner.
“How long are you two staying?” the barmaid asked when she brought their drinks.
Buffy smiled, and Spike wondered if the woman saw how forced the expression was. “We’re not sure yet. We’ve both got a lot of vacation saved up.”
They made more pleasant conversation about the weather and sightseeing opportunities, although Spike soon tuned them out, too lost in his own thoughts to pay attention to small talk.
“Earth to Spike.” He glanced up to see Buffy watching him. “Penny for your thoughts?”
“I’m not really thinking of much of anything, to be honest.” He hesitated. “Is there something we didn’t ever do?”
“What do you mean?”
“I feel as though I’m trying to fill someone else’s shoes. Maybe if we did something new, something we’ve never done before.”
Her expression turned considering. “We never went dancing.”
“Really? I find that hard to believe.”
“You said all we’d ever done was dance,” Buffy murmured. “And we never dated, not in any usual sense.”
Spike suddenly saw how he might manage this-how he might forge a connection with her that was his alone, with no thought for the man he had been.
“Then maybe it’s time to start.”