Now and Always- Chapter 6
On we go...
Previous parts can be found here.
Chapter 6
“Day 108: I could have sworn that I saw Spike tonight. I was out on a patrol with about 5 other Slayers, and I saw a man in black with bleached hair. I took off after him, and he ran. I know I shouldn’t have ditched my patrol group, but I was so sure… When I finally caught up to him, he turned out to be just another vampire, and he didn’t look anything like Spike up close. Wes reamed me out later in private. He accused me of trying to get myself killed, but it’s not like that.” ~Excerpt from the diary of Buffy Summers
Spike was feeling more and more uncertain about this. Things had been awkward enough in Los Angeles, but he just knew that it was going to get worse. At least at the hotel they had been surrounded by Slayers; during the trip to England, he kept getting paired up with Buffy.
And since the other four were clearly coupled up, the inference was that he and Buffy were, too.
She’d withdrawn from him, and Spike couldn’t blame her. He knew that he wasn’t the man she’d been looking for-how could he be? A person was the sum total of their experiences, and he was missing well over a hundred years of experience.
“Wait.” Buffy held him back from entering Council headquarters. She had lingered by the vehicle, as had he, although Spike suspected that their reasons were different. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“What’s that?”
“Some of the Slayers in there-you were pretty attached to them and vice versa. A lot of them have lost parents.”
Spike thought he knew where she was going with this. “You’re suggesting that I keep my memory problems to myself?”
“I think it would be best. Harry and Nora are the youngest, and we were the ones who rescued them. It’s been bad enough that we’ve been gone so long, but I think they understood that much.”
“Harry and Nora,” he repeated, trying to burn the names in his memory. “Got it.”
“I’ll help,” Buffy promised. She hesitated, then added, “We’re probably going to be sharing a room again. It will cut down on the questions.”
Spike nodded. “I think I can handle that.”
She forced a smile. “Great. Come on.”
He squared his shoulders, feeling a sense of dread pressing down. Buffy stepped inside before he did, and Spike saw the reunion taking place. A well-built man with an eye patch was hugging Buffy and Willow at the same time, with a tall, dark skinned woman looking on with affection. There were half a dozen young teens in the hallway, boys and girls, all of them clamoring for attention.
Suddenly feeling overwhelmed and claustrophobic, Spike looked around for an escape route.
“Here.” A middle-aged woman took his arm and led him aside, into a book-lined study with a large wooden desk and overstuffed furniture. “Sit down, Spike.”
“I don’t-”
“I’m Miriam, and I already know. Ellen warned me.”
He sank back into the cushions of the couch. “She told you that I don’t remember a bloody thing?”
“You’re having flashbacks, aren’t you?”
Spike shrugged. “Yeah. Just two so far, an’ they didn’t tell me anything.”
“Hm.” Miriam handed him a drink before sitting down next to him. “Drink. You look as though you could use it.”
Spike quite literally didn’t remember the last time he’d had anything other than blood to drink, but the alcohol had a familiar burn, and he felt his muscles uncoiling. “Ta.”
“You’re quite welcome.” Miriam rose. “Why don’t you stay in here and get your bearings? I’ll tell Buffy where you are.”
Spike nodded. “Yeah. Appreciate that.”
“Don’t mention it.”
He leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes, wondering how on earth he was going to cope with a week like this, surrounded by strangers who knew him.
Sensing that he was being watched, Spike opened his eyes to see a small boy standing in front of him. Remembering what Buffy had said, he smiled as reassuringly as he could. “H’lo, Harry.”
A grin blossomed on the child’s face. “You remembered me!”
“Sure I did,” Spike lied, sensing that it was an important fiction. “Why wouldn’t I have?”
The child frowned. “We haven’t heard from you! You promised to write.”
“What did Miriam tell you about that?” Spike asked, hoping that his guess was correct.
Harry shrugged, pushing auburn hair out of his eyes. “She said you were somewhere bad, but that you’d come back when you could.”
“She was right. I’d have written if I could have.”
The smile he received told Spike that he’d managed to avoid bollocksing up this reunion. “Do you want to see something?” Harry asked.
“Yeah.” Spike thought this might be one thing that he could do right, when the lack of memory wouldn’t end up ruining it all.
~~~~~
Buffy pushed down a wave of panic as she realized that Spike had disappeared. Looking around, she saw no sign of him. Before she could leave to look for him, Xander grabbed her arm and steered her into a study. “I wanted to talk to you.”
She reminded herself that Spike was a big boy and would be fine. Worrying about him was stupid. “What’s up?” Buffy tried to keep her voice cheerful, as though she hadn’t a care in the world.
“How are you?”
“Fine. Great, actually.” She gave him a bright smile. “Everything is great.”
Xander gave her a look and nudged her towards the couch. “Come on, Buf. I know you better than that. Willow filled me in on what’s going on with Spike.”
“He doesn’t remember anything. There wasn’t anything we could do about that.” Buffy sat on the edge of the couch cushions, hands between her knees. Talking about what was going on between her and Spike was the last thing she wanted.
Xander put a hand on her knee. “Buffy… I know we haven’t seen each other in awhile, but you don’t have to pretend for my sake. Nobody thinks this is easy.”
She shook her head vehemently. “I can’t talk about this with you, Xander. I can’t talk about this, period. If I do-”
If she did, it would be too real, too overwhelming. The thought that Spike might never remember, that she would never get back what they had before he went missing, would cause her world to collapse. Buffy knew she was barely hanging on as it was.
In response, Xander pulled her into a tight hug, and Buffy returned the gesture, feeling his chin resting on the top of her head. “Then we won’t talk about it,” he murmured. “It’s gonna be okay, Buffy.”
She took a deep breath and pulled back. “What about you? You brought Corey back with you this time, huh?”
“Whit’s capable of holding down the fort for a week,” he replied, not answering the question. When she raised her eyebrows, Xander gave her a sheepish grin. “Things are really good. No wedding bells yet, but-it’s really good.”
“I’m so happy for you, Xander,” Buffy said sincerely.
Xander rose. “Come on. Let’s go find Willow. We can have a real Scooby meeting again now that everyone is here.”
Buffy nodded and pushed all thoughts of Spike out of her head. This week was about her friends, seeing people she loved for the first time in years. For a time, she would try to forget.
~~~~~
“What did you think?” Giles asked softly. He didn’t think that Spike knew that they were watching. He was standing in the paddock with Harry and Nora as the children fed the horses carrots.
Miriam shook her head. “If Ellen was able to do no more for him, the same certainly holds true for me. She’s the best there is at this sort of thing.”
“Do you think he’ll remember?”
“According to Ellen, he’s already beginning to have flashbacks. I think that’s a good sign.”
“How is Buffy?”
Miriam shook her head. “That I couldn’t tell you, I’m afraid. Ellen’s report suggests that her emotional state is extremely fragile. She’s had to deal with a lot in the last few years with no breaks.”
“I want both her and Spike here after their vacation,” Giles admitted. “They both deserve the break, and she’s been on the front lines all too often in the last years.”
“I think that’s a wise decision.” Miriam began to walk towards Spike and the children. “I’ll let them know that it’s time for dinner.”
Giles watched her go, deciding to wait where he was. He had no idea how Miriam had managed it, but he’d grown quite fond of Harry and Nora. Having them around was a tangible reminder of what they were fighting for.
Although he couldn’t hear what they were saying, he watched as Spike bent down far enough to allow Harry to scramble onto his back. The sight gave Giles some hope that the vampire would eventually remember and return to his old self; he didn’t seem to be that different.
And if he didn’t-Giles feared what that would do to Buffy.
~~~~~
Abby straightened her spine before knocking on Giles’ door. She’d noticed at dinner that he seemed to be in a particularly good mood, probably because the mess in L.A. had finally been cleared up. She knew that Gunn and Fred were talking about going back as soon as Spike and Buffy went back to teaching full time.
She wanted to go back with them.
“Come in!” Giles looked up as she entered, his eyebrows going up. “Abigail. I was wondering when you would be coming by.”
Her carefully prepared speech went flying out of her head. “What?”
“You want to go back to Los Angeles, don’t you?”
Abby sat down across from him. “How did you know?”
“Because you’ve made the same request half a dozen times, and things are beginning to settle down to the point where there is actually the possibility that you could.” Giles smiled. “I could see you watching Spike tonight.”
“I heard he doesn’t remember anything,” Abby said, curiosity getting the better of her.
The head Watcher frowned. “Where did you hear that?”
Abby had the grace to blush. “Gunn was telling Fred about it, and I overheard. I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “You’re hardly the first Slayer with a propensity towards eavesdropping.” His tone was severe, but she could see the twinkle in his eyes that indicated that he wasn’t too upset. “Please don’t pass that information along. We’d like to keep it quiet.”
“I haven’t told anybody,” she assured him. “So, can I go back?”
“Do you not like it here?”
Abby shook her head. “No! This place has been great. It’s just-I feel like I owe them.”
“That you owe whom?”
Abby wasn’t sure how to explain it. Wesley had been the one to rescue her, the one to convince her father to let her go. It was because of him that she’d experienced some of the happiest times in her life. “I don’t know.”
Apparently taking pity on her inability to voice her feelings, Giles nodded. “When Fred and Gunn return, you may go with them if that’s your desire. You’ll still be required to go to school, however. Wesley and Faith will continue your training, but there won’t be nearly as many Slayers your age around. You understand that if you do return, I’ll be making a special dispensation. You’re still underage.”
“I’m nearly fifteen!” she protested. “And I helped Spike on his assassination mission. I would have-”
“Your bravery is not in question,” Giles said gently. “But the age restrictions are there for a reason. If you go back, you’ll have to abide by Faith and Wesley’s rules in that area. Do you think you can do that?”
Abby nodded. “Of course.”
“Very well. I’ll discuss the matter with Fred and Gunn.”
Abby knew a dismissal when she heard one, and she headed out of the office, waiting until she was in the hallway before she grinned. There was no question in her mind that she was going home.
~~~~~
“How long do you think it’ll be?”
“You sound anxious to get back.”
“You know I have permission to start up my doctorate again. I’ve just been waiting.” Fred rolled over to look at Gunn. “I just wanted to see what happened with everybody first.”
Gunn sighed. “I know.”
Fred shut her mouth, knowing that it had been harder on Gunn than on her in many ways. Giles had asked them to accompany Abby back to England, and to bring whatever information she had gathered on Slayer blood. With that information, the coven had been able to concoct a spell that would locate Slayers as soon as they were called. There was a team of active Slayers and Watchers who were responsible just for contacting those girls and their families.
Once they had finished that, however, it had become obvious that Spike and Buffy weren’t coming back for a while, and Giles had been short of teachers. They had agreed to teach until Spike and Buffy returned, or until Giles could find replacements.
She had loved their time in England, but Gunn had missed the action he knew they would have seen in Los Angeles.
Fred was ready to go back now, though. They had been gone long enough, and she did want to finish her doctorate. Now that her old professor was dead, there would be no fear that she would get sucked into another hell dimension.
“Did you get a chance to talk to Spike at all?” she asked, changing the subject.
“No. Didn’t know him all that well, and there were plenty of other demands for his time.” Gunn tugged her closer. “Promise you won’t forget me.”
Fred buried her face in his shoulder, feeling strong arms pulling her close. “I promise.”
~~~~~
Spike stared at the double bed in some consternation. No one had asked whether he and Buffy wanted to share a room, and he had no idea if there was even an extra room to be had. At the hotel, the bed had been bigger, and there had been a number of nights where one or the other of them found another room.
“I can stay with one of the other Slayers if you want.”
He turned to see Buffy shut the door behind her, standing just inside. “Most of your clothes are still here,” she explained. “Mine are still in my suitcase.”
“You didn’t leave clothing here?”
“I had Giles send most of it to L.A. And we went through clothes pretty quickly.” She looked down at her jeans, t-shirt, and heavy boots with a self-deprecating expression. “I should probably go shopping.”
Spike walked over to the wardrobe and opened the doors. He could see a sparse collection of men’s clothing that he was certain would fit him. There were a few blouses and skirts that obviously belonged to Buffy. “Some of your stuff is still here.”
“I left the nice things behind. There wasn’t anybody who was going to care if I dressed up.”
Spike faced her, comparing the face of the woman standing in front of him to the face he remembered from his flashback. She looked older, but that wasn’t surprising; time had passed. Buffy looked more worn, however, and she wore little makeup. With a flash of insight, Spike realized that she hadn’t put much thought into her appearance over the past two weeks that he actually remembered spending time with her.
He suddenly understood the concerned looks that Xander and Giles had given her. Spike might not know them well anymore, but he’d been able to read that much.
“What do you want, Buffy?” he asked.
Her lips tightened. “That doesn’t matter.”
“Tell me.”
There was a flash of anger in her eyes, then it was gone, replaced by a deeply profound sadness. “You can’t give me what I want, Spike.”
“Then name something I can give you.” Nothing made sense to him these days, but Spike knew one thing in that moment-maybe he couldn’t remember her, but he could try to love her. It’s what she seemed to want, and he’d loved her once before.
Maybe he could again.
“Just-stay with me tonight?” she asked, a pleading note in her voice.
Spike smiled. “I can do that.”
He just hoped that someday he’d be able to do more.
Previous parts can be found here.
Chapter 6
“Day 108: I could have sworn that I saw Spike tonight. I was out on a patrol with about 5 other Slayers, and I saw a man in black with bleached hair. I took off after him, and he ran. I know I shouldn’t have ditched my patrol group, but I was so sure… When I finally caught up to him, he turned out to be just another vampire, and he didn’t look anything like Spike up close. Wes reamed me out later in private. He accused me of trying to get myself killed, but it’s not like that.” ~Excerpt from the diary of Buffy Summers
Spike was feeling more and more uncertain about this. Things had been awkward enough in Los Angeles, but he just knew that it was going to get worse. At least at the hotel they had been surrounded by Slayers; during the trip to England, he kept getting paired up with Buffy.
And since the other four were clearly coupled up, the inference was that he and Buffy were, too.
She’d withdrawn from him, and Spike couldn’t blame her. He knew that he wasn’t the man she’d been looking for-how could he be? A person was the sum total of their experiences, and he was missing well over a hundred years of experience.
“Wait.” Buffy held him back from entering Council headquarters. She had lingered by the vehicle, as had he, although Spike suspected that their reasons were different. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“What’s that?”
“Some of the Slayers in there-you were pretty attached to them and vice versa. A lot of them have lost parents.”
Spike thought he knew where she was going with this. “You’re suggesting that I keep my memory problems to myself?”
“I think it would be best. Harry and Nora are the youngest, and we were the ones who rescued them. It’s been bad enough that we’ve been gone so long, but I think they understood that much.”
“Harry and Nora,” he repeated, trying to burn the names in his memory. “Got it.”
“I’ll help,” Buffy promised. She hesitated, then added, “We’re probably going to be sharing a room again. It will cut down on the questions.”
Spike nodded. “I think I can handle that.”
She forced a smile. “Great. Come on.”
He squared his shoulders, feeling a sense of dread pressing down. Buffy stepped inside before he did, and Spike saw the reunion taking place. A well-built man with an eye patch was hugging Buffy and Willow at the same time, with a tall, dark skinned woman looking on with affection. There were half a dozen young teens in the hallway, boys and girls, all of them clamoring for attention.
Suddenly feeling overwhelmed and claustrophobic, Spike looked around for an escape route.
“Here.” A middle-aged woman took his arm and led him aside, into a book-lined study with a large wooden desk and overstuffed furniture. “Sit down, Spike.”
“I don’t-”
“I’m Miriam, and I already know. Ellen warned me.”
He sank back into the cushions of the couch. “She told you that I don’t remember a bloody thing?”
“You’re having flashbacks, aren’t you?”
Spike shrugged. “Yeah. Just two so far, an’ they didn’t tell me anything.”
“Hm.” Miriam handed him a drink before sitting down next to him. “Drink. You look as though you could use it.”
Spike quite literally didn’t remember the last time he’d had anything other than blood to drink, but the alcohol had a familiar burn, and he felt his muscles uncoiling. “Ta.”
“You’re quite welcome.” Miriam rose. “Why don’t you stay in here and get your bearings? I’ll tell Buffy where you are.”
Spike nodded. “Yeah. Appreciate that.”
“Don’t mention it.”
He leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes, wondering how on earth he was going to cope with a week like this, surrounded by strangers who knew him.
Sensing that he was being watched, Spike opened his eyes to see a small boy standing in front of him. Remembering what Buffy had said, he smiled as reassuringly as he could. “H’lo, Harry.”
A grin blossomed on the child’s face. “You remembered me!”
“Sure I did,” Spike lied, sensing that it was an important fiction. “Why wouldn’t I have?”
The child frowned. “We haven’t heard from you! You promised to write.”
“What did Miriam tell you about that?” Spike asked, hoping that his guess was correct.
Harry shrugged, pushing auburn hair out of his eyes. “She said you were somewhere bad, but that you’d come back when you could.”
“She was right. I’d have written if I could have.”
The smile he received told Spike that he’d managed to avoid bollocksing up this reunion. “Do you want to see something?” Harry asked.
“Yeah.” Spike thought this might be one thing that he could do right, when the lack of memory wouldn’t end up ruining it all.
~~~~~
Buffy pushed down a wave of panic as she realized that Spike had disappeared. Looking around, she saw no sign of him. Before she could leave to look for him, Xander grabbed her arm and steered her into a study. “I wanted to talk to you.”
She reminded herself that Spike was a big boy and would be fine. Worrying about him was stupid. “What’s up?” Buffy tried to keep her voice cheerful, as though she hadn’t a care in the world.
“How are you?”
“Fine. Great, actually.” She gave him a bright smile. “Everything is great.”
Xander gave her a look and nudged her towards the couch. “Come on, Buf. I know you better than that. Willow filled me in on what’s going on with Spike.”
“He doesn’t remember anything. There wasn’t anything we could do about that.” Buffy sat on the edge of the couch cushions, hands between her knees. Talking about what was going on between her and Spike was the last thing she wanted.
Xander put a hand on her knee. “Buffy… I know we haven’t seen each other in awhile, but you don’t have to pretend for my sake. Nobody thinks this is easy.”
She shook her head vehemently. “I can’t talk about this with you, Xander. I can’t talk about this, period. If I do-”
If she did, it would be too real, too overwhelming. The thought that Spike might never remember, that she would never get back what they had before he went missing, would cause her world to collapse. Buffy knew she was barely hanging on as it was.
In response, Xander pulled her into a tight hug, and Buffy returned the gesture, feeling his chin resting on the top of her head. “Then we won’t talk about it,” he murmured. “It’s gonna be okay, Buffy.”
She took a deep breath and pulled back. “What about you? You brought Corey back with you this time, huh?”
“Whit’s capable of holding down the fort for a week,” he replied, not answering the question. When she raised her eyebrows, Xander gave her a sheepish grin. “Things are really good. No wedding bells yet, but-it’s really good.”
“I’m so happy for you, Xander,” Buffy said sincerely.
Xander rose. “Come on. Let’s go find Willow. We can have a real Scooby meeting again now that everyone is here.”
Buffy nodded and pushed all thoughts of Spike out of her head. This week was about her friends, seeing people she loved for the first time in years. For a time, she would try to forget.
~~~~~
“What did you think?” Giles asked softly. He didn’t think that Spike knew that they were watching. He was standing in the paddock with Harry and Nora as the children fed the horses carrots.
Miriam shook her head. “If Ellen was able to do no more for him, the same certainly holds true for me. She’s the best there is at this sort of thing.”
“Do you think he’ll remember?”
“According to Ellen, he’s already beginning to have flashbacks. I think that’s a good sign.”
“How is Buffy?”
Miriam shook her head. “That I couldn’t tell you, I’m afraid. Ellen’s report suggests that her emotional state is extremely fragile. She’s had to deal with a lot in the last few years with no breaks.”
“I want both her and Spike here after their vacation,” Giles admitted. “They both deserve the break, and she’s been on the front lines all too often in the last years.”
“I think that’s a wise decision.” Miriam began to walk towards Spike and the children. “I’ll let them know that it’s time for dinner.”
Giles watched her go, deciding to wait where he was. He had no idea how Miriam had managed it, but he’d grown quite fond of Harry and Nora. Having them around was a tangible reminder of what they were fighting for.
Although he couldn’t hear what they were saying, he watched as Spike bent down far enough to allow Harry to scramble onto his back. The sight gave Giles some hope that the vampire would eventually remember and return to his old self; he didn’t seem to be that different.
And if he didn’t-Giles feared what that would do to Buffy.
~~~~~
Abby straightened her spine before knocking on Giles’ door. She’d noticed at dinner that he seemed to be in a particularly good mood, probably because the mess in L.A. had finally been cleared up. She knew that Gunn and Fred were talking about going back as soon as Spike and Buffy went back to teaching full time.
She wanted to go back with them.
“Come in!” Giles looked up as she entered, his eyebrows going up. “Abigail. I was wondering when you would be coming by.”
Her carefully prepared speech went flying out of her head. “What?”
“You want to go back to Los Angeles, don’t you?”
Abby sat down across from him. “How did you know?”
“Because you’ve made the same request half a dozen times, and things are beginning to settle down to the point where there is actually the possibility that you could.” Giles smiled. “I could see you watching Spike tonight.”
“I heard he doesn’t remember anything,” Abby said, curiosity getting the better of her.
The head Watcher frowned. “Where did you hear that?”
Abby had the grace to blush. “Gunn was telling Fred about it, and I overheard. I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “You’re hardly the first Slayer with a propensity towards eavesdropping.” His tone was severe, but she could see the twinkle in his eyes that indicated that he wasn’t too upset. “Please don’t pass that information along. We’d like to keep it quiet.”
“I haven’t told anybody,” she assured him. “So, can I go back?”
“Do you not like it here?”
Abby shook her head. “No! This place has been great. It’s just-I feel like I owe them.”
“That you owe whom?”
Abby wasn’t sure how to explain it. Wesley had been the one to rescue her, the one to convince her father to let her go. It was because of him that she’d experienced some of the happiest times in her life. “I don’t know.”
Apparently taking pity on her inability to voice her feelings, Giles nodded. “When Fred and Gunn return, you may go with them if that’s your desire. You’ll still be required to go to school, however. Wesley and Faith will continue your training, but there won’t be nearly as many Slayers your age around. You understand that if you do return, I’ll be making a special dispensation. You’re still underage.”
“I’m nearly fifteen!” she protested. “And I helped Spike on his assassination mission. I would have-”
“Your bravery is not in question,” Giles said gently. “But the age restrictions are there for a reason. If you go back, you’ll have to abide by Faith and Wesley’s rules in that area. Do you think you can do that?”
Abby nodded. “Of course.”
“Very well. I’ll discuss the matter with Fred and Gunn.”
Abby knew a dismissal when she heard one, and she headed out of the office, waiting until she was in the hallway before she grinned. There was no question in her mind that she was going home.
~~~~~
“How long do you think it’ll be?”
“You sound anxious to get back.”
“You know I have permission to start up my doctorate again. I’ve just been waiting.” Fred rolled over to look at Gunn. “I just wanted to see what happened with everybody first.”
Gunn sighed. “I know.”
Fred shut her mouth, knowing that it had been harder on Gunn than on her in many ways. Giles had asked them to accompany Abby back to England, and to bring whatever information she had gathered on Slayer blood. With that information, the coven had been able to concoct a spell that would locate Slayers as soon as they were called. There was a team of active Slayers and Watchers who were responsible just for contacting those girls and their families.
Once they had finished that, however, it had become obvious that Spike and Buffy weren’t coming back for a while, and Giles had been short of teachers. They had agreed to teach until Spike and Buffy returned, or until Giles could find replacements.
She had loved their time in England, but Gunn had missed the action he knew they would have seen in Los Angeles.
Fred was ready to go back now, though. They had been gone long enough, and she did want to finish her doctorate. Now that her old professor was dead, there would be no fear that she would get sucked into another hell dimension.
“Did you get a chance to talk to Spike at all?” she asked, changing the subject.
“No. Didn’t know him all that well, and there were plenty of other demands for his time.” Gunn tugged her closer. “Promise you won’t forget me.”
Fred buried her face in his shoulder, feeling strong arms pulling her close. “I promise.”
~~~~~
Spike stared at the double bed in some consternation. No one had asked whether he and Buffy wanted to share a room, and he had no idea if there was even an extra room to be had. At the hotel, the bed had been bigger, and there had been a number of nights where one or the other of them found another room.
“I can stay with one of the other Slayers if you want.”
He turned to see Buffy shut the door behind her, standing just inside. “Most of your clothes are still here,” she explained. “Mine are still in my suitcase.”
“You didn’t leave clothing here?”
“I had Giles send most of it to L.A. And we went through clothes pretty quickly.” She looked down at her jeans, t-shirt, and heavy boots with a self-deprecating expression. “I should probably go shopping.”
Spike walked over to the wardrobe and opened the doors. He could see a sparse collection of men’s clothing that he was certain would fit him. There were a few blouses and skirts that obviously belonged to Buffy. “Some of your stuff is still here.”
“I left the nice things behind. There wasn’t anybody who was going to care if I dressed up.”
Spike faced her, comparing the face of the woman standing in front of him to the face he remembered from his flashback. She looked older, but that wasn’t surprising; time had passed. Buffy looked more worn, however, and she wore little makeup. With a flash of insight, Spike realized that she hadn’t put much thought into her appearance over the past two weeks that he actually remembered spending time with her.
He suddenly understood the concerned looks that Xander and Giles had given her. Spike might not know them well anymore, but he’d been able to read that much.
“What do you want, Buffy?” he asked.
Her lips tightened. “That doesn’t matter.”
“Tell me.”
There was a flash of anger in her eyes, then it was gone, replaced by a deeply profound sadness. “You can’t give me what I want, Spike.”
“Then name something I can give you.” Nothing made sense to him these days, but Spike knew one thing in that moment-maybe he couldn’t remember her, but he could try to love her. It’s what she seemed to want, and he’d loved her once before.
Maybe he could again.
“Just-stay with me tonight?” she asked, a pleading note in her voice.
Spike smiled. “I can do that.”
He just hoped that someday he’d be able to do more.