Top of the World 10/18
愛の意味? Ai no imi?
Have you ever thought about the meaning of death?
…the meaning of life?
…the meaning of love?
Ruki
The alarm goes off and this time miraculously I don’t roll over Reita to turn it off. Once wake I realize this is because he isn’t in bed. Where could he have gone this early?
“Did he have an appointment?” I say aloud.
I sit up and yawn. Another day, there’s something I have to do. My eyes fall on my laptop sitting on the dresser. I need to check my calendar. I come back to the bed with it. Waiting for it to load up I have an interview with Aoi in an hour. Why did I only leave myself an hour? I wouldn’t do that. Reita must have changed the time on the alarm. The laptop is pushed off my lap as I make a note of my evening hair appointment.
I pick up my phone and dial to Reita. It’s a second before he answers.
“Yeah,”
“Did you change the time on the alarm?”
“What are you talking about?”
“The alarm clock.”
“What about it?”
“Haven’t you been listening?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Did you change the time?”
“No…”
“Fucking bitch,” he says suddenly and the phone cuts off.
Quickly I dial back, wondering what his problem is.
“Reita?”
“Ruki, I’m trying to drive.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why are you driving if you don’t know?”
“You’re going to be late.”
“No thanks to you.”
“Goodbye Ruki,” he says sternly and it sounds like he’s dropped the phone.
“He’s such a bitch. Why would I care about every little problem he’s having.”
“Rei, your phone’s still on.”
Then it shuts off.
I’m almost out the door still messing in the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. I drink from the cup quickly glancing at the note Reita left. What would he be doing today? I stop as I hear a loud pounding at the door.
“Ruki, are you ready to leave?”
I grab my things and go to the entrance to slip on my shoes. I open the door.
“I didn’t know you were picking me up. I was going to take the train.”
I follow him out the door.
“I told you last night.”
“Really?” I ask not remembering.
The ride there is silent besides the radio. I feel uncomfortable like he’s still mad. My thoughts slip back to Reita’s rudeness this morning. What reason would he have to be sneaking around like that? It couldn’t be anything good not if he had someone else in the car. Who was it?
“Aoi?”
He turns the music down and glances at me. Once I have his attention, “Did Reita say anything about what he was doing today?”
The dark haired main thinks for a minute.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know.”
I sigh.
“He snuck off early and when I called he wouldn’t tell me.”
“Reita went home with you last night?”
“Yeah,”
“It went well?”
“Uh-huh.”
“You’re lucky then, don’t worry about it.”
I don’t feel relief, Aoi doesn’t understand the situation.
“He went off with someone else; I heard another voice when we were on the phone.”
“So? We’re going something together right now. I’m sure he has friends.”
“But when he thought he had hung up the phone I heard them talking, he says, ‘he’s such a bitch. Why does he think I care about his problems?’ and it hurt my feelings.”
“Maybe he just needed to vent for a minute.”
He’s frustrating me.
“Aoi, if you overheard Kai saying really mean things about you to someone else, how would you feel?”
“It’s not that bad, he called you a worthless slut on the phone to Kai.”
I frown; it was all really starting to hurt.
Did Reita still feel that way? When he came home, I wasn’t thinking. I never asked if he forgave me.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I ask with a shaky voice.
He ignores me and turns the music off. I sigh and close my eyes for a minute. I try to think about something else. Suddenly I feel his hand over mine.
“You can’t cry now,” he says as we pull into the parking lot of the place.
“I know,” I say.
“He’s really trying for you.”
Aoi puts his arm around me as we walk in.
“It will be okay.”
The interview is long and I’m apathetic. I’m not myself at all. No long explanation where the length starts to make them hard to follow. I just gave short answers and left the talking to Aoi. He seems to want me to answer though. I wish it was Kai instead of him. Kai loves talking; he’ll even answer your questions for you if you let him.
I have more sitting to do after the interview. Aoi was nice enough to drop me off at the hair salon. The girl who does my hair is shocked and disappointed with its current condition.
“What did you do?” she asks.
I raise my eyebrows at her. But then offer a smile.
“Can you fix it, please?”
She laughs. “Sure, but you better not come in again with your hair like this.”
I love going to get my hair done. It’s relaxing even if it takes forever, which it will today because I’m going blonde again. The girl who cuts my hair is good at selecting colors for my skin. Plus I like having someone wash my hair for me. It feels nice.
I’m glad to be home it feels like I’ve been gone forever. Really, it was only about five hours. My hair looks and feels really nice so I’m anxious for Reita to see it. He’s been gone all day, what the hell? I go to the fridge and grab something to eat. I open the garbage to throw away the wrapper. It’s empty beside some pieces of notebook paper that is folded. I set the wrapper down on the counter and reach in.
I sit at the table and open the notes. Both are in Reita’s handwriting and addressed to me. My eyes are glued to the paper as I read the first one. I set it down and hold my head. The tears flow out freely. Reita was really thinking to leave me this morning. He seemed so sad in the letter. There are a few good minutes that I just cry.
Unable to stop myself I pick up the other letter. The one I never should have read. He’s angry blaming everything on me. He talks about Uruha and the rape thing. How I had wanted both things. Most of the letter is talking about how ungrateful and selfish I am. He’s picking on every insecurity and doubt I have. He closes saying he can’t ever think about coming back to me. I’m filthy used up whore, he adds.
I stand up and take the papers to the garbage. Angrily, I tear them up. Screw this. So Reita isn't home because he’s not coming. I grab my cell phone and call him. I must have been ten times until I leave a message.
“Reita….”
I leave a long message letting the machine cut me off.
I’ve never felt this crazy. The hot water of the shower should feel good but it doesn’t. I feel so out of it. The knife in my hand is glistening. My body doesn’t stop shaking. I’m scared to death. If I cut it up and it heals then it’s clean.
My breathing is ragged as I turn the knife up between my spread legs. The knife plunged in and I bite my hand to keep from screaming. The pain is intense. Again and again I do it; blood is flowing quickly coloring the water red.
Reita
I pull the door open, the locks clang. I look back at Saga.
“I really think Ruki will feel better if you talk to him.”
Saga laughs.
“The two of us together is too outrageous of a thought. Why didn’t you tell him you wanted to know what it felt like to kiss someone with a lip ring?”
“He was so angry then I wasn’t saying anything.”
Saga and I just finished having dinner. I go in the kitchen to plug my phone in to charge. The battery died earlier.
“Sounds like he’s showering, Let’s watch TV?”
We sit on the couch and I let him flip through the channels. We end up stopping on 24 hr television for some classic comedy. There’s always something weird going on. You know the hosts don’t ever really sleep. It is really for 24 hours and live, so they can just take naps.
Ruki
Something is wrong. I feel it as I shove it in this time. The knife drops as I try to not scream. My knees fall hard to the floor. I think Reita is yelling at me to see if I’m alright. I can’t answer.
Trying to grab the knife, I slice my hand. Blood spurts from it. I look down realizing something is really wrong. Blood is flowing from my penis. This isn’t right. The blood is so slippery as I try to move. I should call for Reita. I can’t die. My body is so cold. I lay back against the tub and it goes blank.
After our laughing at the show I look at the bathroom door.
“He’s been in there a while.”
“It sounded like he might have fallen.”
“But Ruki’s clumsy. He probably just dropped something,” I say as I stand up going to the bathroom.
“Ru-babe, are you alright?”
I open the door and walk in. The scent of blood hits me so hard. Oh god, I’m going to vomit. I stumble to the toilet and throw up. The realization hits me, is Ruki dead? Is he bleeding? I can’t do this. I can’t, I think as I head to the shower.
Adrenaline is rushing through my body. I can’t stand the smell of blood. It’s so thick; I don’t have the courage to pull it open.
“Baby?”
I stand in front of it. I can’t lose Ruki. Not now, not ever. I pull the curtain open and I scream. Because oh my god I think Ruki is lying in there dead.
“Saga! Saga, you need to call an ambulance.”
What the fucking hell? This can’t really be happening. My body is shaking, I don’t feel calm. He comes in the room.
“What’s going on?”
“Just call an ambulance.”
I reach into the tub to pick him up. My arms slip under his, he’s so damn heavy. I pull him out banging his legs on the side. I hope he isn’t dead.
I lay him on the ground.
“Baby…Ruki….”
I feel his neck for a heartbeat. He’s alive. My hand goes over his mouth to see if he’s breathing. And he is.
“Ruki… Ruki wake up, what did you do?”
Saga comes in and turns the water off.
“They’re on their way. Reita there’s a knife in the tub.”
I pull him into my lap; he’s so cold that his skin is purple. Saga comes over with some towels and he’s drying him off.
“Are you okay?”
I realize that I’m crying. My press my head against Ruki’s and cry. I notice that he did his hair today. My mind races. What changed? Did something happen today?
Saga is wrapping up his hand. Ruki’s head bobs into mine and he squeals. “Ow.”
“Ruki, baby,” his head lolls to the side. I start to help Saga; he brings a blanket to wrap around him. We have a few towels around his bottom to catch the blood.
“They’ll be here soon,” Saga assures me.
I hold Ruki tight trying to keep him warm. I kiss his cheek.
“Ruki, please,” I whisper begging him to not slip away.
AN: That was really hard to write.
Have you ever thought about the meaning of death?
…the meaning of life?
…the meaning of love?
Ruki
The alarm goes off and this time miraculously I don’t roll over Reita to turn it off. Once wake I realize this is because he isn’t in bed. Where could he have gone this early?
“Did he have an appointment?” I say aloud.
I sit up and yawn. Another day, there’s something I have to do. My eyes fall on my laptop sitting on the dresser. I need to check my calendar. I come back to the bed with it. Waiting for it to load up I have an interview with Aoi in an hour. Why did I only leave myself an hour? I wouldn’t do that. Reita must have changed the time on the alarm. The laptop is pushed off my lap as I make a note of my evening hair appointment.
I pick up my phone and dial to Reita. It’s a second before he answers.
“Yeah,”
“Did you change the time on the alarm?”
“What are you talking about?”
“The alarm clock.”
“What about it?”
“Haven’t you been listening?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Did you change the time?”
“No…”
“Fucking bitch,” he says suddenly and the phone cuts off.
Quickly I dial back, wondering what his problem is.
“Reita?”
“Ruki, I’m trying to drive.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why are you driving if you don’t know?”
“You’re going to be late.”
“No thanks to you.”
“Goodbye Ruki,” he says sternly and it sounds like he’s dropped the phone.
“He’s such a bitch. Why would I care about every little problem he’s having.”
“Rei, your phone’s still on.”
Then it shuts off.
I’m almost out the door still messing in the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. I drink from the cup quickly glancing at the note Reita left. What would he be doing today? I stop as I hear a loud pounding at the door.
“Ruki, are you ready to leave?”
I grab my things and go to the entrance to slip on my shoes. I open the door.
“I didn’t know you were picking me up. I was going to take the train.”
I follow him out the door.
“I told you last night.”
“Really?” I ask not remembering.
The ride there is silent besides the radio. I feel uncomfortable like he’s still mad. My thoughts slip back to Reita’s rudeness this morning. What reason would he have to be sneaking around like that? It couldn’t be anything good not if he had someone else in the car. Who was it?
“Aoi?”
He turns the music down and glances at me. Once I have his attention, “Did Reita say anything about what he was doing today?”
The dark haired main thinks for a minute.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know.”
I sigh.
“He snuck off early and when I called he wouldn’t tell me.”
“Reita went home with you last night?”
“Yeah,”
“It went well?”
“Uh-huh.”
“You’re lucky then, don’t worry about it.”
I don’t feel relief, Aoi doesn’t understand the situation.
“He went off with someone else; I heard another voice when we were on the phone.”
“So? We’re going something together right now. I’m sure he has friends.”
“But when he thought he had hung up the phone I heard them talking, he says, ‘he’s such a bitch. Why does he think I care about his problems?’ and it hurt my feelings.”
“Maybe he just needed to vent for a minute.”
He’s frustrating me.
“Aoi, if you overheard Kai saying really mean things about you to someone else, how would you feel?”
“It’s not that bad, he called you a worthless slut on the phone to Kai.”
I frown; it was all really starting to hurt.
Did Reita still feel that way? When he came home, I wasn’t thinking. I never asked if he forgave me.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I ask with a shaky voice.
He ignores me and turns the music off. I sigh and close my eyes for a minute. I try to think about something else. Suddenly I feel his hand over mine.
“You can’t cry now,” he says as we pull into the parking lot of the place.
“I know,” I say.
“He’s really trying for you.”
Aoi puts his arm around me as we walk in.
“It will be okay.”
The interview is long and I’m apathetic. I’m not myself at all. No long explanation where the length starts to make them hard to follow. I just gave short answers and left the talking to Aoi. He seems to want me to answer though. I wish it was Kai instead of him. Kai loves talking; he’ll even answer your questions for you if you let him.
I have more sitting to do after the interview. Aoi was nice enough to drop me off at the hair salon. The girl who does my hair is shocked and disappointed with its current condition.
“What did you do?” she asks.
I raise my eyebrows at her. But then offer a smile.
“Can you fix it, please?”
She laughs. “Sure, but you better not come in again with your hair like this.”
I love going to get my hair done. It’s relaxing even if it takes forever, which it will today because I’m going blonde again. The girl who cuts my hair is good at selecting colors for my skin. Plus I like having someone wash my hair for me. It feels nice.
I’m glad to be home it feels like I’ve been gone forever. Really, it was only about five hours. My hair looks and feels really nice so I’m anxious for Reita to see it. He’s been gone all day, what the hell? I go to the fridge and grab something to eat. I open the garbage to throw away the wrapper. It’s empty beside some pieces of notebook paper that is folded. I set the wrapper down on the counter and reach in.
I sit at the table and open the notes. Both are in Reita’s handwriting and addressed to me. My eyes are glued to the paper as I read the first one. I set it down and hold my head. The tears flow out freely. Reita was really thinking to leave me this morning. He seemed so sad in the letter. There are a few good minutes that I just cry.
Unable to stop myself I pick up the other letter. The one I never should have read. He’s angry blaming everything on me. He talks about Uruha and the rape thing. How I had wanted both things. Most of the letter is talking about how ungrateful and selfish I am. He’s picking on every insecurity and doubt I have. He closes saying he can’t ever think about coming back to me. I’m filthy used up whore, he adds.
I stand up and take the papers to the garbage. Angrily, I tear them up. Screw this. So Reita isn't home because he’s not coming. I grab my cell phone and call him. I must have been ten times until I leave a message.
“Reita….”
I leave a long message letting the machine cut me off.
I’ve never felt this crazy. The hot water of the shower should feel good but it doesn’t. I feel so out of it. The knife in my hand is glistening. My body doesn’t stop shaking. I’m scared to death. If I cut it up and it heals then it’s clean.
My breathing is ragged as I turn the knife up between my spread legs. The knife plunged in and I bite my hand to keep from screaming. The pain is intense. Again and again I do it; blood is flowing quickly coloring the water red.
Reita
I pull the door open, the locks clang. I look back at Saga.
“I really think Ruki will feel better if you talk to him.”
Saga laughs.
“The two of us together is too outrageous of a thought. Why didn’t you tell him you wanted to know what it felt like to kiss someone with a lip ring?”
“He was so angry then I wasn’t saying anything.”
Saga and I just finished having dinner. I go in the kitchen to plug my phone in to charge. The battery died earlier.
“Sounds like he’s showering, Let’s watch TV?”
We sit on the couch and I let him flip through the channels. We end up stopping on 24 hr television for some classic comedy. There’s always something weird going on. You know the hosts don’t ever really sleep. It is really for 24 hours and live, so they can just take naps.
Ruki
Something is wrong. I feel it as I shove it in this time. The knife drops as I try to not scream. My knees fall hard to the floor. I think Reita is yelling at me to see if I’m alright. I can’t answer.
Trying to grab the knife, I slice my hand. Blood spurts from it. I look down realizing something is really wrong. Blood is flowing from my penis. This isn’t right. The blood is so slippery as I try to move. I should call for Reita. I can’t die. My body is so cold. I lay back against the tub and it goes blank.
After our laughing at the show I look at the bathroom door.
“He’s been in there a while.”
“It sounded like he might have fallen.”
“But Ruki’s clumsy. He probably just dropped something,” I say as I stand up going to the bathroom.
“Ru-babe, are you alright?”
I open the door and walk in. The scent of blood hits me so hard. Oh god, I’m going to vomit. I stumble to the toilet and throw up. The realization hits me, is Ruki dead? Is he bleeding? I can’t do this. I can’t, I think as I head to the shower.
Adrenaline is rushing through my body. I can’t stand the smell of blood. It’s so thick; I don’t have the courage to pull it open.
“Baby?”
I stand in front of it. I can’t lose Ruki. Not now, not ever. I pull the curtain open and I scream. Because oh my god I think Ruki is lying in there dead.
“Saga! Saga, you need to call an ambulance.”
What the fucking hell? This can’t really be happening. My body is shaking, I don’t feel calm. He comes in the room.
“What’s going on?”
“Just call an ambulance.”
I reach into the tub to pick him up. My arms slip under his, he’s so damn heavy. I pull him out banging his legs on the side. I hope he isn’t dead.
I lay him on the ground.
“Baby…Ruki….”
I feel his neck for a heartbeat. He’s alive. My hand goes over his mouth to see if he’s breathing. And he is.
“Ruki… Ruki wake up, what did you do?”
Saga comes in and turns the water off.
“They’re on their way. Reita there’s a knife in the tub.”
I pull him into my lap; he’s so cold that his skin is purple. Saga comes over with some towels and he’s drying him off.
“Are you okay?”
I realize that I’m crying. My press my head against Ruki’s and cry. I notice that he did his hair today. My mind races. What changed? Did something happen today?
Saga is wrapping up his hand. Ruki’s head bobs into mine and he squeals. “Ow.”
“Ruki, baby,” his head lolls to the side. I start to help Saga; he brings a blanket to wrap around him. We have a few towels around his bottom to catch the blood.
“They’ll be here soon,” Saga assures me.
I hold Ruki tight trying to keep him warm. I kiss his cheek.
“Ruki, please,” I whisper begging him to not slip away.
AN: That was really hard to write.