If this is non fiction travel story I think the time line and thrush of what happened when you could tell the story with say a footnote to explain this museum section was a merge of two separate visits. Would that work?
I'm not sure I follow, are you suggesting I keep it more or less as is with a footnote saying it happened at a different time?
In another piece I wrote about Ethiopia for a magazine, that got rejected, I had just bounced back and forth in time, ie flash forward to this 2014 visit, and telling them thats what we were doing. In fact that one bounces back and forth in time rather a bit. I felt it was a bit confusing so am trying to smooth it over more this time.
I don't see a problem with weaving two visits into one. I just wondered if that was really bothering you and thinking it would bother your readers the way around might be by way of footnote. Maybe just a short sweet acknowledgement in a bracket or parenthesis would work? I am wondering why the entry is entitled day three but the account begins day 18. I personally thought it read beautifully as a mix of some history and your experience seems to cement you as in the place looking at the history of where you are and yet showing you are not simply choosing what history you should see. The willingness to have a citizen of the country select the museums and locations and the age range of the citizens who shared their stories woven into the history of their country is a smart and self aware choice.
Thanks! Yes you caught some of the things I'm going for here, trying to have the history of the places I visit be essentially part of the story, pinned by the contemporary. And yes, thats why I didn't want to replace the locals who showed me around with paid guides or something, because them showing me "organically" what they thought was important I felt was an important part of the story.
As for the "day 18," that's continuing from the first day in Ethiopia which starts with "Sunday, April 22nd, 2012, Day 16 in Africa -" since it's back-to-back with the previous Nigeria trip. I want to maintain that sense of how long I've been traveling, though I'm thinking I might take it out of the daily "timestamp" and just reference it occasionally because it is a bit confusing. Also I've always kind of liked the feel of old timey journal entries (or are they all joke parodies of old timey journals) that begin "day 18 - we're running out of food and the natives are looking at us hungrily" or whatever whatever. (:
I think you did well with the history, minor as it is, but I have to say, I think you're overthinking Addis. The fact that you had a female offer to take you to some tourist destinations does not imply a romantic link-up in any way, whether it takes place in 2012 or in 2014. It could as easily been a hired guide who happened to be female. Lord knows I've had enough male tour guides here and there on my travels around and outside the USA.
I agree with this feedback. Inserting a conversation about a girlfriend makes this past-you read as insecure in how you relate to other women. It doesn’t add anything. I think you’re going for something like Paul Theroux’s travel writing. If you want to add an internal observation that Addis was very attractive, and that you regretted you couldn’t spend more time with her, that’s fine. If she was a guide whose time you paid for, or if you thanked her by paying for lunch, you can say that too.
Yes Paul Theroux's travel writing is very much in the line of what I aspire to. Are you saying you think he would have an internal monologue about her being attractive versus just saying she was? I feel like he'd be more likely to say she was than to have himself thinking it.
I guess part of the reason I'm picking apart this specific thing is one of my first beta readers commented that she didn't like me saying Addis was attractive, but I'm thinking now she was an outlier. (though also I couldn't think of any very good ways to describe Addis and think in general wish I was better at character descriptions. Maybe the key is just to describe her more thoroughly but I'm not sure how)
Don’t have the fake written conversation about the girlfriend waiting for you at home, and don’t make it creepy that a woman offered to guide you around the city. Whether she found you attractive is irrelevant for the reader trying to follow your travels. Cut that out, and you could allude to enjoying Addis’s smile or something if you think it’s important to frame your relation to her.
I think I want to put the history of the place in more than it currently is. I'm thinking of maybe inserting it between days again, either as "dreams" like in the first Nigeria chapter or perhaps just like an extended epigraph between each day (the days themselves being like mini chapters). But I don't think I can do it as "scenes" like in Nigeria, it might just be the best expository writing I can manage about it. Still grappling with this undertaking in my head.
I agree that you can write a true story without being a slave to the precise factual details. I think your lunch mention of your girlfriend worked well. Also, my husband and I have always had friends of the opposite sex and have gone out with them one on one so I see no issue with having a local female take you on a tour. I realize some people do have issues with that . . . I once was out to lunch with a male friend from graduate school, and saw an elderly church member in the restaurant and introduced her. The following Sunday, she asked to talk to me privately. She began, "Sweetie, you're married." I was like, "I know?" And she explained that I shouldn't be having lunch with a man who wasn't my husband. I told my husband that and he just rolled his eyes, lol.
As for history, I find it fascinating, so if you want to put in more you certainly can, but I don't think you would need to.
Yeah it sounds like everyone here agrees I was overthinking it. For the record I personally think its the normal-ist thing to have friends of the opposite sex, my best friend here is a girl (Billie) after all. I was just really worried about readers thinking the protagonist-me was philandering around but I think it looks like I was overthinking that.
I do want to give the readers a feeling for the history of the places I've visited. I'm thinking now I want to insert more into this chapter. I'm thinking of maybe inserting it between days again, either as "dreams" like in the first Nigeria chapter or perhaps just like an extended epigraph between each day (the days themselves being like mini chapters). But I don't think I can do it as "scenes" like in Nigeria, it might just be the best expository writing I can manage about it. Still grappling with this undertaking in my head.
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If this is non fiction travel story I think the time line and thrush of what happened when you could tell the story with say a footnote to explain this museum section was a merge of two separate visits. Would that work?
Reply
In another piece I wrote about Ethiopia for a magazine, that got rejected, I had just bounced back and forth in time, ie flash forward to this 2014 visit, and telling them thats what we were doing. In fact that one bounces back and forth in time rather a bit. I felt it was a bit confusing so am trying to smooth it over more this time.
Reply
I don't see a problem with weaving two visits into one. I just wondered if that was really bothering you and thinking it would bother your readers the way around might be by way of footnote. Maybe just a short sweet acknowledgement in a bracket or parenthesis would work? I am wondering why the entry is entitled day three but the account begins day 18. I personally thought it read beautifully as a mix of some history and your experience seems to cement you as in the place looking at the history of where you are and yet showing you are not simply choosing what history you should see. The willingness to have a citizen of the country select the museums and locations and the age range of the citizens who shared their stories woven into the history of their country is a smart and self aware choice.
Reply
As for the "day 18," that's continuing from the first day in Ethiopia which starts with "Sunday, April 22nd, 2012, Day 16 in Africa -" since it's back-to-back with the previous Nigeria trip. I want to maintain that sense of how long I've been traveling, though I'm thinking I might take it out of the daily "timestamp" and just reference it occasionally because it is a bit confusing. Also I've always kind of liked the feel of old timey journal entries (or are they all joke parodies of old timey journals) that begin "day 18 - we're running out of food and the natives are looking at us hungrily" or whatever whatever. (:
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- Erulisse (one L)
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I guess part of the reason I'm picking apart this specific thing is one of my first beta readers commented that she didn't like me saying Addis was attractive, but I'm thinking now she was an outlier. (though also I couldn't think of any very good ways to describe Addis and think in general wish I was better at character descriptions. Maybe the key is just to describe her more thoroughly but I'm not sure how)
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I think Theroux mostly travels alone. ;)
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I've always been interested in Ethiopia and its history,
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I think I want to put the history of the place in more than it currently is. I'm thinking of maybe inserting it between days again, either as "dreams" like in the first Nigeria chapter or perhaps just like an extended epigraph between each day (the days themselves being like mini chapters). But I don't think I can do it as "scenes" like in Nigeria, it might just be the best expository writing I can manage about it. Still grappling with this undertaking in my head.
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I agree that you can write a true story without being a slave to the precise factual details. I think your lunch mention of your girlfriend worked well. Also, my husband and I have always had friends of the opposite sex and have gone out with them one on one so I see no issue with having a local female take you on a tour. I realize some people do have issues with that . . . I once was out to lunch with a male friend from graduate school, and saw an elderly church member in the restaurant and introduced her. The following Sunday, she asked to talk to me privately. She began, "Sweetie, you're married." I was like, "I know?" And she explained that I shouldn't be having lunch with a man who wasn't my husband. I told my husband that and he just rolled his eyes, lol.
As for history, I find it fascinating, so if you want to put in more you certainly can, but I don't think you would need to.
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I do want to give the readers a feeling for the history of the places I've visited. I'm thinking now I want to insert more into this chapter. I'm thinking of maybe inserting it between days again, either as "dreams" like in the first Nigeria chapter or perhaps just like an extended epigraph between each day (the days themselves being like mini chapters). But I don't think I can do it as "scenes" like in Nigeria, it might just be the best expository writing I can manage about it. Still grappling with this undertaking in my head.
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