We Are Going to Make It: Chapter 13/16
A light snow began to fall as Quinn Fabray walked down the sidewalks of Lima, Ohio towards her house on a chilled winter morning.
Her hands were shoved into her jacket pockets and her hair was still slightly messed up from the night prior. A small smile resided on her face as she recalled about twenty minutes earlier.
“I want so much more,” she said softly, hoping that she wasn’t making a fool of herself.
The wide and bright smile she received proved to her that she hadn’t made a fool of herself.
“You do?” Rachel whispered, her body moving closer to Quinn’s with each second.
The blonde nodded as her thumb traced reassuring circles on the hand in hers. She did want more; she wanted everything. Their foreheads were touching, warm skin on warm skin, and all that could be heard was the steady beating of their hearts which was synchronized as their lips moved closer and closer with each passing second. Quinn’s lips tingled, longing to taste the pair just a few centimeters away from her. She felt her heart beat accelerate as she saw Rachel’s tongue moisten her bottom lip.
Then something changed. She thought of Finn and her sophomore year in high school. She remembered how much it hurt her knowing that while they were together he had kissed Rachel on more than one occasion. She remembered how much it hurt Finn when he found out that he was not the true father of her daughter.
“Rachel,” she breathed.
The brunette sensed her hesitance and pulled away slowly. Somehow she always knew what Quinn was feeling.
“I know,” Rachel whispered, her hot breath enveloping the blonde.
Quinn felt the warm hand in hers give a squeeze, a silent understanding.
“Soon,” Quinn said with a look of newfound conviction.
Rachel nodded and ran her thumb over her cheek once more. It sent shivers down her spine as she felt the longing for the woman in front of her intensify exponentially. There was nothing more she wanted in this moment than to kiss Rachel, to hold her in her arms and stroke her hair and just be with her. Being with Rachel might as well have been heaven. There was only one thing stopping her.
“I should talk to Sam,” she said quietly as she pulled Rachel back over to sit on the bed.
Rachel nodded solemnly, knowing how hard it would be for Quinn to face her husband.
“You should,” she replied as Quinn wrapped her arm around the tiny brunette.
They sighed, neither wanting to face the world outside of Rachel’s bedroom. Neither wanted to face Sam, nor Quinn’s parents, nor anyone that would threaten the peace felt whenever they were together; but they knew they’d have to eventually.
“What about your father?” Rachel asked quietly, her voice resembling that of a small, scared child.
Quinn stroked her luscious brown locks gently with her fingers and pulled the woman closer into her.
“How are you going to convince him? How are we going to do this? How are we going to survive your divorce and your parents hatred and -,”
“Rachel,” Quinn interrupted.
The brunette blushed.
“Listen to me, we’ll figure it out. I don’t really know what’s going to happen with my parents or Sam; but I know that I don’t want to lose you. I’ll do anything to prevent that from happening, even if it means losing Sam and my parents. So we’re going to make it. We’re going to get through all of this crap so I can kiss you, okay?”
Rachel beamed and placed a chaste kiss on her burning cheek.
“Okay.”
So now Quinn was off to face one of her two demons: her husband, Sam. The previous night she had stupidly ran off without a car to Rachel’s home not thinking about what would happen the next morning. Although she was stuck walking for a good twenty minutes in the freezing cold, she did not regret anything she had done. A feeling of dread swirled around in the pit of her stomach as she approached the house. In the back of her mind, she had always known this moment would come, the moment she told her husband that she really didn’t love him anymore. Though she never had the guts to say it, Quinn only married him because her parents had forced her. If Sam had proposed the real way, she would probably still have said yes, but not out of love; she would have said yes out of fear, fear of dying alone, fear of never having children again, fear of failure.
Eventually Quinn arrived at her home frozen and staring dumbly at the front door. With a deep breath, the blonde turned the doorknob and entered silently into the quiet home knowing it would probably be her last time calling it hers. She took off her coat, hung it inside of the closet, and kicked off her shoes.
“Sam?” she called nervously, knowing there was no way any of this would end well.
She made her way into the living room, where she heard the muffled sound of a football game emanating from their television set. Sam sat in his arm chair with a beer in hand and dark circles under his eyes. He didn’t turn around when he heard Quinn enter the room.
“Sam?” Quinn repeated once more.
There were several empty beer bottles littering the hardwood floor which were accompanied by two empty pizza boxes.
“I know what’s going on,” he said as he finally turned around to face his wife.
He was a mess. His eyes were puffy and tired and hurt. The normally well-groomed hair on his head was tossed in every direction. Her heart wrenched, but she knew she couldn’t keep feeling sorry for him. She had to end it.
“You do?” she asked nervously.
He nodded and rose from the chair.
“Yeah I do,” he said monotonously as he walked over to their kitchen table.
Quinn followed and sat opposite the man she had married, her hands clasped together.
“What do you know?”
“I was out for lunch with a few guys from the office last week. We were right by that little bowling alley we used to go to and I remembered you saying you’d be there so I ditched the guys and ran over to the alley with a coffee for you. When I got there I saw you and Rachel. You were teaching her how to bowl and she was laughing and she had this big smile on her face. People were staring at you guys but I don’t think you noticed at all. But what really surprised me was that you were laughing too. You were smiling in a way I’ve never seen you smile before. And that’s when I realized the reason I have never seen you smile that way before. It’s because I can’t make you smile like that. Only she can.”
The blonde gulped as Sam sighed and ran his fingers through his blonde mop of hair, trying to compose himself but failing miserably; it was obvious that he was a wreck.
“I also know why you’re here, Quinn,” he said barely above a whisper.
She stared at him, waiting for him to continue; when he didn’t, she spoke up.
“I live here,” she said rather coolly.
He winced and she immediately regretted the comment; it was a bit harsh.
“Quinn, look, I know what’s going on with you and Rachel.”
The blonde was at a loss for words. How did he know? More importantly, what did he know?
“You do?” she asked weakly.
Sam looked up and into Quinn’s hazel eyes, revealing the pain the revelation was causing him.
“Yes,” he breathed and his eyes cast downwards towards his fingers.
Quinn braced herself for the yelling, cursing, and screaming; but they never came. When her eyes returned to Sam, he was simply staring at her as a few tears fell from his deep blue eyes. His large frame shook momentarily.
“Sam, I-,” she began, but he cut her off.
“Please, Quinn,” he begged, “just be honest with me. Did you kiss her? Have you…done it with her? Do you love her?”
Her facial expression faltered at the last question. Did she love Rachel Berry? Did she love the woman that never failed to make her smile? Did she love the woman that day in and day out refused to let her feel an ounce of sadness? Did she love the woman who had spent the previous night holding her until the sun came up as she cried like a baby for hours? Did she love the woman who made her feel alive? A shooting pain rippled through her heart. She had no idea how hard this was going to be.
“We haven’t kissed or done anything but,” she took a deep breath, “yes. I love her,” she managed to get out, her breathing raged as she awaited his response.
“Tell me about her,” he whispered desperately.
“Sam, I don’t think that’s a good-,”
“Please,” he croaked.
She swallowed thickly.
“Rachel is my…” she had no idea what to say.
Then it hit her suddenly; she thought of Rachel and began to speak.
“Rachel is that kind of person that lights up a room the moment she enters it. I have never seen her without a smile on her face. I know she’s crazy sometimes and a bit of a diva, but she is one of the most remarkable people I know. Infectious, I think, is the word for her personality. Yes, it is infectious. Her smile, her laugh, her happiness is contagious to all around her, spreading faster than wild fire, without the immediate damage, but rather immediate warmth. I-,” her speech wavered as she heard Sam release a sob.
The room was silent. Quinn reached out and took one of his shaking hands giving it a squeeze.
“Did you ever love me like that?” he asked, his baby blue eyes gazing at her hopefully, though he had a feeling the answer was no.
Quinn thought back to high school, trying to remember if she had ever had these feelings for that new kid who had joined Glee her junior year. She remembered his love for Avatar, his obsession with the planets and stars, the way he played the guitar effortlessly. She remembered cleaning him off that first day, their first date, and their many duets. But the moment that stood out was the day in that astronomy classroom when Sam proposed to be her boyfriend, to be true, to honor her and never pressure her, and to love her forever. The instant he lowered himself onto one knee, her heart had begun to race. His hair fell just above his sparkling blue eyes as he pulled his lip in between his teeth, his hands shaking and holding a simple promise ring. The afternoon sunlight streamed through the open window causing his skin to glow and his eyes to shine. And she had answered maybe because she was too scared to admit that she might actually have the same feelings for him. She was too scared to repeat the past.
“Yes,” she said quietly, “I did. You were the first boy to treat me right. You were the first boy that wanted to be with me for something other than my popularity. Although towards the end of high school, I had a feeling you were using me.”
His head shot up, ready to defend himself but she hushed his petty excuses.
“It’s okay, Sam. We are being honest right?”
He nodded.
“Well, towards the end of it I think I began to use you too. And I am so sorry for that; but there was a reason I dated you in the first place. The man I fell in love with was so much better than the man I am staring at now.”
“What do you mean?”
“The Sam I fell in love with wasn’t afraid of what my parents thought of him. He loved Avatar and made goofy impressions and knew how to make me smile. He didn’t take himself so seriously and wasn’t afraid to joke around and be a total goofball. He was the kind of guy who made grand, sometimes stupid, gestures of love like proposing with a promise ring after dating for only a month or getting an absurd haircut and singing Justin Bieber to me in front of the entire Glee club. The Sam I fell in love with wasn’t afraid to be who he was.”
Sam wiped his eyes with his sleeve.
“What changed?”
“W e changed. We’re not the quarterback and head cheerleader anymore, Sam. This isn’t high school. This is life. We’ve grown up.”
“I know,” he said, his voice heavy with regret.
Their hands were still together but it didn’t seem to give Quinn that warm feeling she felt when she held hands with Rachel.
“So, now what?” she dared to ask, though she knew what she wanted.
Sam pulled his hand out of hers.
“We get a divorce,” he said matter-of-factly.
Her eyes widened
What?
Yes, Quinn wanted a divorce but she was expecting some grandiose fight complete with plate throwing, yelling, perhaps some expletives. She was certainly not expecting Sam to be okay with getting a divorce.
“A divorce?” she asked in disbelief.
“Look, Quinn, you know I love you, probably always will,” he said softly, his voice cracking on the word love, “but this marriage isn’t working. I know it, you know it, hell even Rachel knows it. She’s known from the start. I’m not good for you anymore, Quinn. I used to be, and I know you are good for me, but not like this. I can’t be with you if you’re in love with someone else. You’re better off without me. I make your life miserable. You won’t have sex with me anymore. We never kiss or go out alone together. I work, you hang out with Rachel. The only time we’re together is at your parents’ house for dinner every week. We’re not happy anymore. We’re not in love.”
Quinn couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“I’m so sorry, Sam.”
He tried to smile, his large lips curling upwards but immediately falling downwards. Quinn’s heart broke as she broke his heart. She couldn’t imagine what she was putting him through, even if it was for the best. The only thing she could do to comfort the man was to take his hand and bring it up to her lips. Softly, she kissed the extremity, letting her lips linger as she felt a sigh of relief escape her husband’s lips. It was that sigh that enabled Quinn to know that she could move on. She had to know that Sam was going to be okay. She released his hand with a squeeze and smiled sadly at the man in front of her. He had really grown since their first encounter, such a different person than the boy she had dated in high school.
“Hey, Quinn?” Sam asked quietly, his voice dripping with vulnerability.
“Yes?”
He looked into her eyes, a tear traveling down his cheek silently, on the verge of a meltdown.
“Can you just do one last thing for me?”
“Anything,” she whispered.
“Can-,” he began, “can you just stay here tonight? Just one more night with you, no sex, just-,” his voice broke, “I just want to hold you one more time before I let you go.”
She felt the sting of hot fresh tears running down her cheeks as she nodded furiously. His composure finally broke and he enveloped the woman in what would be their last embrace as a married couple, as husband and wife. If that was all that Sam wanted, than she’d give it to him. If that was all she needed to do in order to be with Rachel, then she’d do it.