How to be a Knight In Shining Armor
I will likely add to this as I think of things, but this is the most important stuff, I think. I've learned a lot over the years about what it does and doesn't mean to be a healer, to help people, what is enabling and what is teaching, what is helping and what is hurting. I've had a lot of those lessons reinforced recently, and I thought it might do me some good to record some of what I've learned.
How to be a Knight In Shining Armor
Lessons from the front lines
Do not drain yourself to fill another. This is the first rule of healing. Energy, Love, and Life are not zero-sum games. There is always a way to arrange for everyone to have enough. Especially if you don't assume you are solely responsible for the well-being of anyone but yourself. If you do not have a resource to spare, you need to stop and take care of yourself first. You are no use to the people you love if you run yourself into the ground.
Don't help - Teach!. Helping the Helpless does not make them less helpless. Far better for them to attempt to help themselves and slip than for you to catch them before they fall. Help comes in when they are too frightened to attempt the climb. But do not fall into the trap of continuing to help once they are climbing. Like riding a bicycle with somebody holding it up - the rider will never get up to speed with you holding on like that. Whether or not they want you to, whether or not it hurts you to do so, If you want to see the fruits of your labor, let go.
Beware the difference between can't and won't. If the problem is that they can't and you can, by all means get involved. But once they know they can learn to take care of themselves, your job is done. It's now up to them to choose the way, and learn from the natural consequences of their choices. If they need something, they need to ask. If they want something, they need to negotiate for it. If they can't fall they have no reason to get a grip. (Just be sure to remind them that one who chooses to fall may never find the bottom - only the end.)
It's better to be wanted than to be needed. If you catch yourself helping others out of a drive to be needed, re-examine your own priorities. If you create a situation where they need you, you're not helping them, you're using them to rescue you from your fears. Moreover, you're cheating yourself; A person who needs does not need personally. If they seem to need you it is only because they need somebody who is willing to do what you do for them. Another person who is equally capable and willing can easily replace you. Want is personal - it isn't affected by other relationships the same way. It's also less controlling. A person who wants you but doesn't need you can afford to let you be who you are. A person who wants you will not stop wanting you because of what somebody else thinks, does, or has - only their own situation and your behavior will change want. If you would rather be needed, you are probably afraid that nobody would want you, and are selling yourself short.
Everybody has limits. Don't be ashamed of them. Learn what they are and how to work with and around them. If you miscalculate sometimes and need help getting it together again, that's ok. The difference between a Child and an Adult is not that Adults take care of themselves and Children don't. The difference between a Child and an Adult is that Adults are responsible for arranging for the help they need to care for themselves.
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This one is for society as a whole, and for people who work with young children. I suspect by adulthood it's too late:
A person who always feels bad has no reason to be good. It's not enough to teach somebody to feel bad about themselves when they do bad things. It's not enough to teach somebody to feel good about themselves when they do good things. Without both there is no contrast, and thus no motivation. A person who feels bad about themselves regardless of their actions may be suicidal, passive-aggressive, and destructive. A person who feels good about themselves regardless of their actions may be manipulative, abusive, and sociopathic. Fear of external consequences can make up some of the difference for either of these people, but good judgement must come from within, and Guilt and Esteem must correlate to events in the real world. Otherwise the moral compass merely spins until somebody else walks up with the magnets of Approval and Shame to direct them.
----------------------
All of this is, of course, just a revisiting of old themes:
A knight in shining armor sits astride a silver steed
In all our children's fairy tales that's what the maidens need
but they forgot to tell you when they handed you your shield
the knight is just as in distress when fighting on that field
and he still he cannot rescue her, for she's the only one
to mend the pieces of her life when all is said and done.
Remember this, I beg of you, before she breaks your heart...
I understand, I've been there too - I've played the hero's part.
(From The Hero's Part, by me.)
--Ember--
How to be a Knight In Shining Armor
Lessons from the front lines
Do not drain yourself to fill another. This is the first rule of healing. Energy, Love, and Life are not zero-sum games. There is always a way to arrange for everyone to have enough. Especially if you don't assume you are solely responsible for the well-being of anyone but yourself. If you do not have a resource to spare, you need to stop and take care of yourself first. You are no use to the people you love if you run yourself into the ground.
Don't help - Teach!. Helping the Helpless does not make them less helpless. Far better for them to attempt to help themselves and slip than for you to catch them before they fall. Help comes in when they are too frightened to attempt the climb. But do not fall into the trap of continuing to help once they are climbing. Like riding a bicycle with somebody holding it up - the rider will never get up to speed with you holding on like that. Whether or not they want you to, whether or not it hurts you to do so, If you want to see the fruits of your labor, let go.
Beware the difference between can't and won't. If the problem is that they can't and you can, by all means get involved. But once they know they can learn to take care of themselves, your job is done. It's now up to them to choose the way, and learn from the natural consequences of their choices. If they need something, they need to ask. If they want something, they need to negotiate for it. If they can't fall they have no reason to get a grip. (Just be sure to remind them that one who chooses to fall may never find the bottom - only the end.)
It's better to be wanted than to be needed. If you catch yourself helping others out of a drive to be needed, re-examine your own priorities. If you create a situation where they need you, you're not helping them, you're using them to rescue you from your fears. Moreover, you're cheating yourself; A person who needs does not need personally. If they seem to need you it is only because they need somebody who is willing to do what you do for them. Another person who is equally capable and willing can easily replace you. Want is personal - it isn't affected by other relationships the same way. It's also less controlling. A person who wants you but doesn't need you can afford to let you be who you are. A person who wants you will not stop wanting you because of what somebody else thinks, does, or has - only their own situation and your behavior will change want. If you would rather be needed, you are probably afraid that nobody would want you, and are selling yourself short.
Everybody has limits. Don't be ashamed of them. Learn what they are and how to work with and around them. If you miscalculate sometimes and need help getting it together again, that's ok. The difference between a Child and an Adult is not that Adults take care of themselves and Children don't. The difference between a Child and an Adult is that Adults are responsible for arranging for the help they need to care for themselves.
----------------------
This one is for society as a whole, and for people who work with young children. I suspect by adulthood it's too late:
A person who always feels bad has no reason to be good. It's not enough to teach somebody to feel bad about themselves when they do bad things. It's not enough to teach somebody to feel good about themselves when they do good things. Without both there is no contrast, and thus no motivation. A person who feels bad about themselves regardless of their actions may be suicidal, passive-aggressive, and destructive. A person who feels good about themselves regardless of their actions may be manipulative, abusive, and sociopathic. Fear of external consequences can make up some of the difference for either of these people, but good judgement must come from within, and Guilt and Esteem must correlate to events in the real world. Otherwise the moral compass merely spins until somebody else walks up with the magnets of Approval and Shame to direct them.
----------------------
All of this is, of course, just a revisiting of old themes:
A knight in shining armor sits astride a silver steed
In all our children's fairy tales that's what the maidens need
but they forgot to tell you when they handed you your shield
the knight is just as in distress when fighting on that field
and he still he cannot rescue her, for she's the only one
to mend the pieces of her life when all is said and done.
Remember this, I beg of you, before she breaks your heart...
I understand, I've been there too - I've played the hero's part.
(From The Hero's Part, by me.)
--Ember--