Schrodinger Sex, or Why Mainstream Dating is Way Too Kinky for Me.

[emanix]

Dear world, I am a hardcore kinkster and 'vanilla' dating is way too kinky for me.

Content note: Explicit discussion of sexual assault, 'vanilla' culture, and rape. Also some incredibly heteronormative pronoun use in some paragraphs (because cultural critique).

I'm bent over a table amidst a group of strangers, with my skirt somewhere up

Comments

Schrodinger Sex

[edm]

My impression (both from what you say, and also from Relevant Personal Experience as the person being asked to do such things) is that the fear of "asking for what you want" (or even "asking for what you'd like to try a little bit to find out if you like it") is sufficiently strong for some (many?) people that the chance of something bad happening seems... less scary (at least in advance). That's... all kinds of problematic.

Possibly with a side of "I can't figure out/describe what it is that I want", and any actual research/introspection is scary too, so the result is "exploration of interests" becomes "do what you want, I'll let you know later if I like(d) it" combined with a hope that maybe something will happen that was "hey, awesome, I'm glad that happened" before something bad happens. And maybe a side of "lack of imagination" (certainly in at least a few of the times I've literally being told "rape me" or words to the effect of "do anything" I strongly suspected lack of imagination).

As someone who is really not a fan of

[spiralflames]

this.

[gizzy]

Interesting post and a great read, thanks for sharing you thoughts. I wonder whether a lot of the issues on the 'vanilla' side is that sex, and talking up front about it with people you know (let alone those you've just met) is still something of a taboo?

[emanix]

Oh absolutely, I think that's very much a source of a lot of this. It just terrifies me that the result of people being shy where it comes to just talking about a topic is that it opens the door to so many people getting hurt.

[alexmc]

Absolutely. The biggest problems in my life are related to the fact that talking about emotions, desires and fears are seriously taboo.

[world_rim_walke]

& the pervasiveness of rape culture makes a whole lot more sense now.

I'm not sure I've ever dated a woman who believed that, & I think I will actively avoid doing so.

I recently overheard a woman advising another woman to "play hard to get", & a nearby sorority just got in trouble for having a chant which promoted rape culture.

[alexmc]

This article needs to be published in Cosmo - or some other vanilla "ladies' magazine" because here, I suspect, you are preaching to people who are just nodding their heads saying, "Yes, yes, exactly this."