I really liked this, and it's funny that your guy is also somewhat trapped, like mine, but comes to a different decision about it. I'm glad he could be talked out of it-- there's nothing more unfair than someone being wronged, and committing the final wrong against themselves.
I liked the details-- which to me made more clear what Robert thought he had (at the beginning) and how very much he then thought he'd lost. It helps make his devastation seem plausible.
But most of all, I liked (or perhaps this is only my own reading of this) the idea that sometimes guardian angels are very much regular, mortal people. They're just the ones who take the time to help someone who needs it, and to ignore their refusal for as long as it takes.
so once Robert got his head on straight, you can understand why he thought giving Maggie another chance was *NOT* an option.
Oh, I think leaving was the right option entirely. She deceived, and she did so maliciously. Once one party no longer loves, it is over. I was just sorry he blamed himself for the wrongs other people (including the boss who fired him!) did to him.
But just because Robert doesn't believe in such entities doesn't mean that they don't exist. Or that they are necessarily supernatural beings. What if they ARE simply human beings who care when extra caring is the most important thing of all?
Though, from your partner's entry, it turned out to be something slightly different and all the more unexpected. I really liked how you two worked together on this project. :)
You didn't see the earlier draft, which was 50% longer than what you just read. In retrospect, I agree that was far too much detail... but I don't think Robert's epiphany would have been believable unless I stated the options which were still available to him.
And long or short, detailed or sparse, no story will completely please every reader. But the feedback on this one has been overwhelmingly positive, and that's what I'm focusing on.
Gosh, you guys made for an awesome pairing this week. The way this moves from a pile of totally unfair events to pure retribution and renewed validation is beautiful.
Granted, nobody has called my piece a "worthless pile of sludge"; the reviews have *ALL* been positive. But I was getting a little tired of the "con crit", telling me how it could have been better. (I know they were trying to help when they said that; I'm just suffering from "overload".)
I think you're the first person to call my piece "beautiful".
I like how this all culminates into a list of things that feel routine, like life will just go on normally, as if same as always. Interesting journey following the flight of the stream of consciousness here.
Robert is a man who desperately needs order and stability -- if The Straw Man is pure Zen, then Robert is almost pure Tao.
Robert's biggest problem, though, was that he was fixated on "playing it safe" to "keep what he had" -- he gave up at least one opportunity for career growth because of it, and was clueless about how his wife had emotionally slipped away from him.
I know that in Real Life, a guy like Robert might have much more agita over Maggie's betrayal and getting fired from his job... and Robert is aware that he still needs to deal with the fallout from all that. But at least the piece ends with him realizing that there are realistic options open to him. Having suffered through deep bouts of despair myself, I can tell you that being tossed *ANY* "lifeline" can cause an amazingly positive mood swing.
Then again, maybe that weird white-haired guy had something to do with Robert's reaction. ;)
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Dan
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I'm glad you gave the piece a chance... and I'm very glad I eventually "pulled you in".
Thanks for the feedback.
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I liked the details-- which to me made more clear what Robert thought he had (at the beginning) and how very much he then thought he'd lost. It helps make his devastation seem plausible.
But most of all, I liked (or perhaps this is only my own reading of this) the idea that sometimes guardian angels are very much regular, mortal people. They're just the ones who take the time to help someone who needs it, and to ignore their refusal for as long as it takes.
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Oh, I think leaving was the right option entirely. She deceived, and she did so maliciously. Once one party no longer loves, it is over. I was just sorry he blamed himself for the wrongs other people (including the boss who fired him!) did to him.
But just because Robert doesn't believe in such entities doesn't mean that they don't exist.
Or that they are necessarily supernatural beings. What if they ARE simply human beings who care when extra caring is the most important thing of all?
Though, from your partner's entry, it turned out to be something slightly different and all the more unexpected. I really liked how you two worked together on this project. :)
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And long or short, detailed or sparse, no story will completely please every reader. But the feedback on this one has been overwhelmingly positive, and that's what I'm focusing on.
PS: Thanks for your feedback!
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Granted, nobody has called my piece a "worthless pile of sludge"; the reviews have *ALL* been positive. But I was getting a little tired of the "con crit", telling me how it could have been better. (I know they were trying to help when they said that; I'm just suffering from "overload".)
I think you're the first person to call my piece "beautiful".
Thank you. I needed that.
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Robert's biggest problem, though, was that he was fixated on "playing it safe" to "keep what he had" -- he gave up at least one opportunity for career growth because of it, and was clueless about how his wife had emotionally slipped away from him.
I know that in Real Life, a guy like Robert might have much more agita over Maggie's betrayal and getting fired from his job... and Robert is aware that he still needs to deal with the fallout from all that. But at least the piece ends with him realizing that there are realistic options open to him. Having suffered through deep bouts of despair myself, I can tell you that being tossed *ANY* "lifeline" can cause an amazingly positive mood swing.
Then again, maybe that weird white-haired guy had something to do with Robert's reaction. ;)
Thanks so much for the feedback.
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