THE REAL LJ IDOL SEASON 8 BREAK -- FREE TOPIC -- ZOMBIE CHRISTMAS
DEAD MAN WALKING
I shuffle into my sister's house, straining under the weight of two large shopping bags filled with presents for my nieces and nephews. I make sure I smile as my burdens are taken from me by my relatives. Greetings, kisses and handshakes are quickly exchanged, and I am soon directed to the den where drink and hors d'oeuvres lie waiting. The holiday tree is festive and bright, and every member of my extended family is with me, experiencing joy just from being all together once more.
I feel nothing. In every way that matters, I am dead inside.
Long before I officially declared myself an atheist, "The Holiday Season" had meant little to me... but at least I felt something. Granted, some years the only emotions I felt were agita and frustration over holiday shopping and travel... but I often experienced happiness and good cheer at times. I assume it's that way with most families that celebrate the holidays -- life is always a mixed bag, and one must take the sweet with the sour.
This season, I have been stressed by multiple issues in my personal and professional life... and in response, my emotions have buried themselves deep within me. I feel hollow, a vacant shell of a man, going through the motions but not understanding why I do the things I do. Even when the wine is poured and I drink the glass of cheer that is offered to me, I fail to taste it. The marvelously prepared feast interests me not at all, but as a dutiful guest I clean my plate twice and make sure I compliment my hostess... yet I wouldn't be able to tell you what I ate even if you put a gun to my head and threatened to blow my brains out.
I've been telling various people in LJ in recent weeks that "Xmas is just another day for me". Now the days have started to blur together, to the point that none of them are notable... and therefore, none of them are meaningful. I do what needs to be done to keep myself alive and well, and I strive to keep my family, friends and neighbors happy... but I'm just going through the motions out of training and habit, and everything I do seems an empty gesture.
The table is cleared, and the gift exchange begins. Months before, I had planned an extra-special surprise for this occasion, which now comes to fruition: I have given all my nieces and nephews a copy of a newly released book of articles and short stories, and the volume contains two pieces written by me. I have successfully kept this news a secret from my family, and they are amazed and delighted at the revelation that I am now a published author. All of my nieces and nephews sit and read the shorter of my two tales, and they give me high praise on the quality of the work. Several of them ask me for my autograph.
It is a genuinely sincere and touching moment... and it still means nothing to me.
The family gathering ended about two hours ago. I am sitting alone in my apartment now, typing all this up. I look back on the events of the day, and my lack of feelings about them... and I recognize that something is seriously wrong. But even that is purely an intellectual exercise. On an emotional level... I just don't care.
I don't know what I'll do about it. I may not do anything at all.
That's all I've got right now.
DISCLAIMER: This work, while based on actual events, is a piece of fiction. I won't deny I had some ambivalence regarding the family gathering this year, but overall I did find it to be a pleasant experience... especially when I passed out copies of IDOL MEANDERINGS to my nieces and nephews. And to show you what I liar I am: the meal consisted of ham, kielbasa, candied carrots and asparagus... and dessert was a choice of two pies: mixed berries or pumpkin.
I'm OK... and I'm working on making sure I stay OK.