It's good. I'd like a little more of Holly's thoughts. And a description of the table of her DQ friends wouldn't be a bad thing. It's kind of hard to critique it as a whole because I'm not sure where you're going with it, and it's awfully short. But so far, the characters are intriguing and your skill at setting the scene works well.
I often have some trouble getting into Holly's head, actually. Maybe it's because for so long she was consigned to being known as "Main CHaracter #2", maybe it's because I didn't start off with including many thought balloons in the comic scripts. :/
I'm not sure where I'd go with this scene, exactly, so you aren't alone there. I somehow suspect this is before Holly met Alice (formerly known as Main Character #1).
Ultimately, I as pretty tired when I wrote this, and i wrote it too fast, I think. I might develop it more - maybe describe those tall dramatic ladies at the table, hey, maybe even describe Holly a bit more fully...
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I'd like a little more of Holly's thoughts. And a description of the table of her DQ friends wouldn't be a bad thing.
It's kind of hard to critique it as a whole because I'm not sure where you're going with it, and it's awfully short.
But so far, the characters are intriguing and your skill at setting the scene works well.
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I'm not sure where I'd go with this scene, exactly, so you aren't alone there. I somehow suspect this is before Holly met Alice (formerly known as Main Character #1).
Ultimately, I as pretty tired when I wrote this, and i wrote it too fast, I think. I might develop it more - maybe describe those tall dramatic ladies at the table, hey, maybe even describe Holly a bit more fully...
Yay, setting the scene!
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You seem to have a much easier time making them into coherent words than I do, though, ye sneaky bugger :P
*teh ebil*
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(Never research .EXE and KH and Srun simultaneously, then sleep. Bad bad hamster ... *scrubs out brain* )
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