Fic: Dating the Cleverest Boy in the World. Chapter 34.
How has it been almost a month? Sorry. Hope this was worth waiting for. (It is so strange writing this, as it's something that's been in my head for years and years, and has been woven through the fic from the start...)
Fic index here if anyone wants to catch up, or just follow the tags. Also on AO3 and The Teaspoon.
Summary: Allison had always thought that university would be an adventure. But she'd not imagined that she'd end up dating Harold Saxon's son.
Setting: Summer 2029
Characters: Allison, Alex.
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 4200 approx
Feedback: Makes my world go round... No really. You have no idea.
Chapter 34
“It was my eighteenth birthday, and I’d been given the best gift ever. I’m not sure how to explain it, really... I’d had my teleport pendant for two years by then, but that was very much a practical thing. I used it for travelling between my planet and Earth, juggling my A-Levels with world building, constantly mindful of every second. And then suddenly - freedom. Not just a spaceship, but one that could travel in time. And it was mine. I thought I’d explode from joy. Anywhere, anywhen, at my fingertips...”
There were green leaves outlined against an orange sky above her head, and Allison had to fight against the urge to pinch herself. And yet... Being on his planet again had brought home on a whole different level just how much time had passed for him. The tree they were sitting under was the self-same cutting her mother had given him for Christmas a few years ago - it was now a fitting centre for his garden, its bulk wide and solid as she leaned against it.
Not that she’d thought he was lying, but the tree was real in a way she could measure and understand more easily than a new face. Maybe that’s why he’d brought her here again... Or maybe he just felt unsettled, and wanted somewhere familiar to ground himself.
Although while counting up 'things that had changed', his whole attitude to having her as a visitor was now completely different. Last time he had been eager to show off, the whole place exciting and still a work in progress (much like himself she supposed) - by now he barely gave the incredible surroundings a second glance.
She realised that she had zoned out, and he was studying her, blue eyes waiting for her to focus.
“You with me? You’re the one that wanted the story, so you better pay attention, cause I’m not telling it twice.”
The hint of reproach was unwelcome, and made her feel very young. It wasn’t a nice feeling. Especially as she could almost pretend that he was only a few years older than her, if she only focussed on his face.
“Yes, I’m listening,” she replied. “It’s just strange being back here.”
His eyes flickered momentarily, then he continued his story, as if nothing had happened. Although she could guess that it was far stranger for him...
“I took Jack with me on the maiden voyage. As I was trying to decide where to go first, he stopped me. 'I’ve not given you your present yet,' he said. We were all alone, hanging above Earth, the Milky Way spread out in front of us... I remember it so clearly still. I had just about finished school, and my whole life was in front of me, ready to be picked up and lived. Everything was bright and wonderful and I was free.”
A soft sigh, so quiet she almost didn’t hear it over the rustle in the tree above them. Some sort of small bird peeked out, then disappeared again.
“I was so young. So very, very young... I had no idea. Anyway, Jack’s present was not so much a ‘thing’ as an... experience.”
The previous hint of amusement was once more colouring his voice, and she shot him a sharp look. She found him very difficult to read, and it made things difficult.
“What do you mean? Stop being so cryptic!”
A droll look, impossible to misunderstand:
“It was Jack. What do you think he got me?”
Before she could answer (he’d vehemently denied anything ever happening between them, so she wasn’t sure what he was getting at), he swiftly carried on:
“You remember Inara on Firefly, and the whole idea of specially trained ‘companions’ - people skilled in pleasure? Well, people like that are perfectly real. Except they’re not all human... It’s a weird and wonderful universe out there, and most species have some way or other of transmitting physical - or mental - bliss. And some make a living out of their talents. Jack’s present was a visit to one of these places. The best one, according to him, and well, who’d argue? I’d been less than interested in sex - had barely kissed anyone, except a date once for a prom. I think. It certainly hadn’t left any kind of impression. Being a Time Lord, I didn’t have any of the involuntary physical urges of the average human teenager (much to my relief), and besides I didn’t have time for a relationship. But I knew Jack liked sex very much, so there had to be something to it - and if I could try it, I could cross it off my list, as it were, and not worry about it again.”
He stopped at the look on her face, and she shook her head, their surroundings by now forgotten:
“Cross it off your list?”
He smiled, but there was a sadness in his eyes.
“Like I said, I was young. I thought of it as a particular kind of pleasure, and nothing more. Had no idea about the difference between sex and lovemaking... You taught me that.”
Her throat was suddenly feeling too tight, and he swiftly carried on, his eyes focussing on a spectacular bush-like thing with silver leaves and trailing blue flowers.
“Anyway, I said yes and please and thank you, and Jack gave me the co-ordinates. It was a beautiful place, cocooned in a special kind of lock, so you needed passwords and things to get in. It was all very discreet and exciting, and I felt terribly grown-up. I think Jack might even have said ‘I give you the boy, bring me back the man’ when he handed me over.” A soft chuckle. “He is a walking cliché - which is of course one reason I love him so.”
Frowning at the blue flowers, he shook his head, before slowly turning and catching her eyes again. She hoped he wasn’t waiting for a reply, because she didn’t have a clue what to say. Thankfully he just kept talking.
“So, this is where it gets... complicated. First of all, they asked me what I wanted. And I said... ‘Everything’. Because I am me, and I wanted everything I could get. Like - oh, like when I did all those drugs, remember? And ended up sitting on the Red Lion, getting everyone to sing? Same sort of deal, except...”
He tilted his head, clearly trying to work out which way to best describe what he was trying to explain.
“When I said they weren’t human, I really mean that. Different species experience pleasure in different ways. And they catered for everyone. The ‘everything’ I asked for was so much more than you can imagine, and they weren’t happy. I told them I was a Time Lord, that I was practically immortal, but even so I had to sign at least half a dozen legal document to ensure I couldn’t sue them in case anything happened to me. Which was understandable...”
“O...K,” she said slowly, slightly confused, and he suddenly bit his lip, eyes dancing.
“Do you remember that time at NASA?” A swift dart of his eyes. “Sorry, I’m stupid, of course you do. Now imagine that feeling in every single cell of your body - every sense straining to breaking point with sheer, undiluted pleasure. A thousand, thousand touches, each eliciting sensations impossible to explain; sound and taste and vision and scent all overwhelmed; every strand of your mind being played upon, like an instrument, vibrating down to the core of your being... I’m not explaining it very well I’m afraid, but it was utterly incredible and - it almost killed me. Took me a few days before I could even use my legs. Jack was there when I came to, telling me I was an idiot and that I’d destroyed his bank balance for the next millennia (‘everything’ don’t come cheap), but he was also proud, I think. Or at least impressed.”
She was nearly speechless at this confession - yet she eventually managed to find her voice:
“You nearly died. From sex?”
That laughter again.
“Sex is a hopelessly inadequate word, but essentially - yes. I’m sure you understand why I never told you back then? Apart from the whole alien thing, of course. I... didn’t quite see the funny side then. Mostly because of the aftermath. Because oh, there was an aftermath...”
His mood shifted, the laughter replaced by something that wasn’t quite anger - more like an old echo of an unhappy memory, shadows of the past causing his brow to draw together.
“When we left the protective shield, my controls suddenly didn’t work. And before I knew it, my ship had been dragged to a nearby asteroid - dull and empty, but with enough of an atmosphere and gravity to breathe and stand upright. My father and the Doctor were waiting for us. It was, to say the least, a most unpleasant way to find out they’d put a tracker in the ship. I thought I’d been free, but they didn’t trust me at all - still keeping tabs. I was furious. As were they... Although at first they directed it all at Jack.”
He shot her a serious look. The two suns were causing the leaves overhead to cast multiple shadows across his face, every shade duplicated. Like him. The same, yet only overlapping partially.
“Now you must understand, that when I say I was young, I was still very much a child by Time Lord standards. Smarter, and more... aware than any human my age, but many, many years away from being an adult. To give you an idea of the scale, imagine if someone had taken your little niece - what’s her name, Ronia? - to a hardcore porn shop, or a live sex show. The Doctor was utterly livid because Jack had destroyed my innocence (he might have used the words ‘cheap whores’ which wasn’t just hugely offensive but also factually incorrect) - and my father was livid because if anyone was going to destroy my innocence it should be him, not Jack...”
A sigh.
“I’d always avoided arguments, and I avoided them even more after that. But on that day I decided that I wasn’t going to budge or compromise. As you know, I get very stubborn. I’d just had the most incredible, mind-blowing experience of my life and they were turning it into something sordid and wrong, intruding into my personal, private life in ways they had no right to. Of course I later understood some of the concerns... Having such a deep and all-encompassing experience as my very first sexual experience affected me far more than I realised. You had a taste of it, that day at NASA. Josh and Jamie got the full blast...”
A pensive moment, as he looked out into the garden again. A soft breeze played with his hair, and she once more wondered how he could have turned into someone so severe looking. There seemed so very, very little left of the playful boy she remembered. Or maybe this had always been hidden inside? He’d lied to her for so long, and so thoroughly... How well had she known him?
“I didn’t know how to separate anything... Wasn’t aware that whatever natural barriers my mind might once have had were no longer there, so if I ever did anything using my mind and not just my body... It all bled together. Of course the Doctor didn’t actually explain any of this, he was just angry and deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed. Did his whole ‘I am older and I know better’ routine which sets any youngster’s teeth on edge. Also it didn’t help that they blamed Jack, deciding that he’d ‘led me astray’ and I didn’t understand what I’d done. Of course they were right - I didn’t have a clue as to any of the consequences - but that was entirely beside the point. I was angry about how they dismissed me, and told them that I was old enough to make my own decisions - if they wanted to hold anyone accountable, it should be me, not Jack. He was honest with me, not sneaking behind my back, spying. It all sort of went downhill from there... The upshot was that I declared that if I couldn’t use my ship as I wanted, what was the point of me having it at all? To which the Doctor said that in that case they might as well confiscate it and put me somewhere I could think things over in peace and quiet. And thus - Cambridge. For three years. They figured that would probably be long enough for me to learn something about standing on my own feet, and responsibility and so forth.”
An insect settled on Allison’s knee, shimmering in all the colours of the rainbow. Simple and beautiful, without a care... It was strange, knowing the story. She'd thought it'd help, but it didn't change a thing, really. Or maybe she only felt like that because it was all now in the past.
“They didn’t see you coming. Heck, the Doctor was thrilled when he first found out I was seeing someone, as I’m sure you remember? Never thought how hurt or damaged we might get. I suppose he was mostly considering how I’d learn something about love and relationships. Which I did...”
One of the suns was now setting, one half of the duplicate shadows lengthening. The Seeker reached out and took her hand, and she was shocked at the sudden touch. His hand was cool, his grip light, yet she could tell how much it was costing him.
“Meeting the love of your life when you’re eighteen isn’t a very good idea. Well, it’s... complicated. I don’t think the Doctor had a clue - and anyway, he’s forever picking up new strays when he’s left the old ones behind... I was never like that, and he didn’t realise. Maybe you imprinted on me, or something, but there was only ever you.”
Two hundred years... And only her? She looked into blue eyes and could almost fool herself into thinking they were brown.
“There’s never been anyone else?”
He shook his head.
“I never let myself love again. I only had you for a few years, but losing you hurt too much to risk it again. Besides, there’s something else... Come with me?”
He stood, pulling her up with him and then led her through winding paths to a sheltered, mostly hidden, part of the garden. She marvelled at how much it had changed - not that two hundred years wasn't plenty of time, but she was sure the whole layout was different to what it had been before. She had seen her mother pore over enough garden designs to notice. And the garden was... she struggled to put her finger on it, but ‘human’ was the best approximation. She recalled it being all circles before, but now the order was more like something in a stately home, if more artistic. The 'artistic' part being another puzzle - the garden was far too whimsical to have been designed by him.
Then he stopped, and she realised where he’d led her. By the wall, surrounded by impeccably tended rose buses, was a gravestone, bearing his mother’s name...
“I brought her here, when she got older. My father... didn’t know what to do. I think he loved her, in his own, strange way - but he only knows how to break things, how to dominate. Being involved with someone of a different species is difficult enough, but there is a reason he’s always broken his toys in the past, a reason the Doctor leaves everyone behind - human decay and death, it is...”
His brow furrowed, and she thought he might be speaking more to himself than to her.
“... unnatural, to us. As strange and alien as I suspect regeneration is to you. But she was my mother, and I did what any son would do - looked after her, until the end. I think she was happy here. She redesigned the whole garden in her last years, creating this legacy of beauty. Maybe it was her way of atoning... Still. Watching her, caring for her-”
He closed his eyes, and for a moment bowed his head, as Allison waited for what was coming.
“-it made me grateful that you left. It was hard enough to watch my mother die, but imagining it happening to you...”
He swallowed, and when he turned to her, his blue eyes were once more unshielded, the emotion they held staggering.
“I don’t know how I would have coped. In my mind you are always young, always bright and wonderful and happy, so full of potential and vision. You gave me that legacy to hold onto, and I want to thank you for that. If that’s selfish of me, I’m sorry. But I’m trying to be honest with you - never thought I’d have the chance.”
Maybe it was due to the impossibility of their situation; the fact that there could never have been a solution - that love could have hurt him more than leaving. Maybe it was another glimpse of the boy she’d loved revealed in the man beside her. Maybe the realisation, bonedeep and final, that she really had lost him... Whatever the cause, the result was the same.
Impulsively she stepped closer, put her hands on his face - and kissed him.
For a second he froze in surprise; but then he leaned into the kiss, gently wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer. His lips were cool and soft, and she could feel a tremor running through him as he deepened the kiss...
When they finally pulled apart, he cupped her face with both hands, searching her eyes.
“Stay with me,” he said, voice barely above a breath. “A day, a week, a month - you have time, now. I could even-”
“No,” she cut him off. Not moving away, but shaking her head firmly. She couldn’t do this. “You’re not - you’re not him. And I have a life to get back to - most specifically a symposium.”
His eyes shuttered again, like a light being extinguished.
“Of course. I’m sorry. Rassilon knows I’m old enough not to be so foolish. Follow me, I can transmat you back.”
Feeling oddly shell-shocked, although she wasn’t quite sure why, she let him lead her back into the house, through semi-circuitous routes ending up in the centre. It was a different path to the one taken earlier on, or at least she thought so - it was hard to be sure. The building was a maze, although a thoroughly furnished and lived-in maze. Through open doors she - as before - glimpsed rooms and spaces, no longer empty or with basic IKEA-like furniture, but eclectic and old enough to warrant two hundred years of existence... She was sure most items (like the giant rug she spotted in a large sitting room) came with their own story. Stories she would never know, as this was when their paths diverged.
(He remembered her as young, clearly he wasn’t going to pop by on a regular basis once she’d broken up with him.)
When they reached the central room he motioned towards an empty space by the wall.
“Please stand on that black square?” he asked. “I need to calibrate everything quite carefully so the timing’s correct, and your exact details are important.”
She stood still, watching him traipse back and forth between different consoles pressing buttons and typing commands; now and again consulting his watch, or stopping to calibrate something in his mind.
The changes to this room - the hub around which everything else turned - were less pronounced, although there were more instruments, and the workbenches had neat piles to overflowing. And the arched doorway in the very centre now led to a tower, just like he’d planned back then. He’d taken her up there when they’d landed, the view being spectacular although somewhat vertiginous. From their vantage point he’d pointed out other, newer buildings, explaining what they contained, and what work he’d been doing. She understood enough to understand how complex it was - how little need he had of her when it came to his life’s work.
It was all too late now, of course, but could there ever have been a way to make it work? To bridge the chasm between their worlds, where one of them would die, and the other be re-born...
Then she was distracted by the images she could glimpse on the screen nearest to her - they very clearly showed the car park where she had parked earlier in the evening (how long had it been - two, three hours? Seemed so much longer) and she couldn’t stop herself asking what he was doing. He looked up, apparently surprised at the interruption, yet explained readily enough:
“I’m going to send you back to where you were, but at a point in time after the fight and Torchwood’s cleanup. It’s rather a complex thing, as Torchwood has already been busy wiping the CCTV footage. Not that I can’t detect what they’ve done, and where, but it’s just taking that bit longer - keeping links open over two centuries is annoyingly awkward.”
She nodded. As a plan that made sense, although...
“Right. But can’t you just... I dunno, call Jack and find out where people are and when?”
This lengthening of their goodbye wasn’t doing her any good. He had something to focus on. She didn’t.
Turning away from the consoles completely, he hesitated.
“Not really, it’s... complicated.”
She didn’t reply, and he - momentarily hesitating for reasons she didn’t understand immediately - began elaborating.
“My Jack - the one I came with, whom I’m presuming is more or less linear with me - will have alerted Torchwood, the current Torchwood that is. Probably without revealing who he is - there is a standard code for ‘Clean up operation needed’, they might think it’s the police that’s called them. And whilst the team - and current Jack - are out, my Jack will have gone to ‘borrow’ Ianto for a while.”
It took her a moment to process what he was getting at, after which she must have made some sort of indication to show that she got it, as he tilted his head, smiling that sad, but very shielded smile he’d worn a lot.
“Yes, we’re both visiting the past tonight. Must be greater gluttons for punishment that I thought...”
Avoiding her eyes, he once more focussed on his instruments, and she tried to hold onto her emotions. If she started crying now... No, she couldn’t let herself. It would just make everything worse.
Then all of a sudden everything was ready - except her. Because this was the end, this was where it all stopped. Screwed over by time, the life they might have had just... stolen away and gone. Vanished in a puff of possible paradoxes and time that couldn’t be rewritten.
He surveyed everything one last time, then laid a hand on a switch before catching her eyes.
“One last thing - if you ever need me, just call. I’m always here.”
The irony didn’t pass her by, and she took a deep breath. This was it.
“Goodbye,” she said, and he swallowed. She knew she would always remember him the way he was now. The hair like fire, the sharp, stylish cut of the coat, the cool exterior, belied by the hidden pain in his eyes.
“Goodbye my love.”
It was more of a whisper, the softest of echoes in her ears as the world turned to white-out.
A moment later she found herself in the selfsame spot she had occupied when she first arrived. The rented car was next to her, the lighting was still dim, the concrete barriers still blocking movement and visibility.
As if in a dream she sorted out a ticket for the car, fetched her bag and set off towards the symposium.
She carried her future in her hands, and she was going to be brilliant, that part she had no doubt about. And tonight was the beginning - she would turn some heads, make them take notice, make sure they remembered her. She could finally commit, even if it felt like half of her was dying.
(She had lived with a broken heart for a long time. She knew how to cope. Knew how to shine when the pain threatened to overwhelm her. She’d been standing on Mars but a few hours earlier. She’d be goddamn inspirational tonight.)
Walking through the streets, she looked up at the dark sky. She could hardly see the stars from where she was, but she knew they were there. Like him...
Since she was tiny she had looked up at the skies, intrigued. Was it any wonder that she had fallen in love with a boy from the stars? Was it any wonder that he had - in the end - proved as elusive as they?
Would she spend her whole life looking up, remembering her golden boy? Would she become like him... Singular, but lonely? The two of them forever separated by time and space, torn apart by random events - the Time Lord defeated by time itself. She felt angry and hurt and helpless; forced into accepting choices she wasn't sure she would have made, one final question in her mind.
Would she ever see him again?
Chapter 35
(If you want to know how the Seeker coped with losing Allison for the second time, please read Timely Lovers.)
Fic index here if anyone wants to catch up, or just follow the tags. Also on AO3 and The Teaspoon.
Summary: Allison had always thought that university would be an adventure. But she'd not imagined that she'd end up dating Harold Saxon's son.
Setting: Summer 2029
Characters: Allison, Alex.
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 4200 approx
Feedback: Makes my world go round... No really. You have no idea.
Chapter 34
“It was my eighteenth birthday, and I’d been given the best gift ever. I’m not sure how to explain it, really... I’d had my teleport pendant for two years by then, but that was very much a practical thing. I used it for travelling between my planet and Earth, juggling my A-Levels with world building, constantly mindful of every second. And then suddenly - freedom. Not just a spaceship, but one that could travel in time. And it was mine. I thought I’d explode from joy. Anywhere, anywhen, at my fingertips...”
There were green leaves outlined against an orange sky above her head, and Allison had to fight against the urge to pinch herself. And yet... Being on his planet again had brought home on a whole different level just how much time had passed for him. The tree they were sitting under was the self-same cutting her mother had given him for Christmas a few years ago - it was now a fitting centre for his garden, its bulk wide and solid as she leaned against it.
Not that she’d thought he was lying, but the tree was real in a way she could measure and understand more easily than a new face. Maybe that’s why he’d brought her here again... Or maybe he just felt unsettled, and wanted somewhere familiar to ground himself.
Although while counting up 'things that had changed', his whole attitude to having her as a visitor was now completely different. Last time he had been eager to show off, the whole place exciting and still a work in progress (much like himself she supposed) - by now he barely gave the incredible surroundings a second glance.
She realised that she had zoned out, and he was studying her, blue eyes waiting for her to focus.
“You with me? You’re the one that wanted the story, so you better pay attention, cause I’m not telling it twice.”
The hint of reproach was unwelcome, and made her feel very young. It wasn’t a nice feeling. Especially as she could almost pretend that he was only a few years older than her, if she only focussed on his face.
“Yes, I’m listening,” she replied. “It’s just strange being back here.”
His eyes flickered momentarily, then he continued his story, as if nothing had happened. Although she could guess that it was far stranger for him...
“I took Jack with me on the maiden voyage. As I was trying to decide where to go first, he stopped me. 'I’ve not given you your present yet,' he said. We were all alone, hanging above Earth, the Milky Way spread out in front of us... I remember it so clearly still. I had just about finished school, and my whole life was in front of me, ready to be picked up and lived. Everything was bright and wonderful and I was free.”
A soft sigh, so quiet she almost didn’t hear it over the rustle in the tree above them. Some sort of small bird peeked out, then disappeared again.
“I was so young. So very, very young... I had no idea. Anyway, Jack’s present was not so much a ‘thing’ as an... experience.”
The previous hint of amusement was once more colouring his voice, and she shot him a sharp look. She found him very difficult to read, and it made things difficult.
“What do you mean? Stop being so cryptic!”
A droll look, impossible to misunderstand:
“It was Jack. What do you think he got me?”
Before she could answer (he’d vehemently denied anything ever happening between them, so she wasn’t sure what he was getting at), he swiftly carried on:
“You remember Inara on Firefly, and the whole idea of specially trained ‘companions’ - people skilled in pleasure? Well, people like that are perfectly real. Except they’re not all human... It’s a weird and wonderful universe out there, and most species have some way or other of transmitting physical - or mental - bliss. And some make a living out of their talents. Jack’s present was a visit to one of these places. The best one, according to him, and well, who’d argue? I’d been less than interested in sex - had barely kissed anyone, except a date once for a prom. I think. It certainly hadn’t left any kind of impression. Being a Time Lord, I didn’t have any of the involuntary physical urges of the average human teenager (much to my relief), and besides I didn’t have time for a relationship. But I knew Jack liked sex very much, so there had to be something to it - and if I could try it, I could cross it off my list, as it were, and not worry about it again.”
He stopped at the look on her face, and she shook her head, their surroundings by now forgotten:
“Cross it off your list?”
He smiled, but there was a sadness in his eyes.
“Like I said, I was young. I thought of it as a particular kind of pleasure, and nothing more. Had no idea about the difference between sex and lovemaking... You taught me that.”
Her throat was suddenly feeling too tight, and he swiftly carried on, his eyes focussing on a spectacular bush-like thing with silver leaves and trailing blue flowers.
“Anyway, I said yes and please and thank you, and Jack gave me the co-ordinates. It was a beautiful place, cocooned in a special kind of lock, so you needed passwords and things to get in. It was all very discreet and exciting, and I felt terribly grown-up. I think Jack might even have said ‘I give you the boy, bring me back the man’ when he handed me over.” A soft chuckle. “He is a walking cliché - which is of course one reason I love him so.”
Frowning at the blue flowers, he shook his head, before slowly turning and catching her eyes again. She hoped he wasn’t waiting for a reply, because she didn’t have a clue what to say. Thankfully he just kept talking.
“So, this is where it gets... complicated. First of all, they asked me what I wanted. And I said... ‘Everything’. Because I am me, and I wanted everything I could get. Like - oh, like when I did all those drugs, remember? And ended up sitting on the Red Lion, getting everyone to sing? Same sort of deal, except...”
He tilted his head, clearly trying to work out which way to best describe what he was trying to explain.
“When I said they weren’t human, I really mean that. Different species experience pleasure in different ways. And they catered for everyone. The ‘everything’ I asked for was so much more than you can imagine, and they weren’t happy. I told them I was a Time Lord, that I was practically immortal, but even so I had to sign at least half a dozen legal document to ensure I couldn’t sue them in case anything happened to me. Which was understandable...”
“O...K,” she said slowly, slightly confused, and he suddenly bit his lip, eyes dancing.
“Do you remember that time at NASA?” A swift dart of his eyes. “Sorry, I’m stupid, of course you do. Now imagine that feeling in every single cell of your body - every sense straining to breaking point with sheer, undiluted pleasure. A thousand, thousand touches, each eliciting sensations impossible to explain; sound and taste and vision and scent all overwhelmed; every strand of your mind being played upon, like an instrument, vibrating down to the core of your being... I’m not explaining it very well I’m afraid, but it was utterly incredible and - it almost killed me. Took me a few days before I could even use my legs. Jack was there when I came to, telling me I was an idiot and that I’d destroyed his bank balance for the next millennia (‘everything’ don’t come cheap), but he was also proud, I think. Or at least impressed.”
She was nearly speechless at this confession - yet she eventually managed to find her voice:
“You nearly died. From sex?”
That laughter again.
“Sex is a hopelessly inadequate word, but essentially - yes. I’m sure you understand why I never told you back then? Apart from the whole alien thing, of course. I... didn’t quite see the funny side then. Mostly because of the aftermath. Because oh, there was an aftermath...”
His mood shifted, the laughter replaced by something that wasn’t quite anger - more like an old echo of an unhappy memory, shadows of the past causing his brow to draw together.
“When we left the protective shield, my controls suddenly didn’t work. And before I knew it, my ship had been dragged to a nearby asteroid - dull and empty, but with enough of an atmosphere and gravity to breathe and stand upright. My father and the Doctor were waiting for us. It was, to say the least, a most unpleasant way to find out they’d put a tracker in the ship. I thought I’d been free, but they didn’t trust me at all - still keeping tabs. I was furious. As were they... Although at first they directed it all at Jack.”
He shot her a serious look. The two suns were causing the leaves overhead to cast multiple shadows across his face, every shade duplicated. Like him. The same, yet only overlapping partially.
“Now you must understand, that when I say I was young, I was still very much a child by Time Lord standards. Smarter, and more... aware than any human my age, but many, many years away from being an adult. To give you an idea of the scale, imagine if someone had taken your little niece - what’s her name, Ronia? - to a hardcore porn shop, or a live sex show. The Doctor was utterly livid because Jack had destroyed my innocence (he might have used the words ‘cheap whores’ which wasn’t just hugely offensive but also factually incorrect) - and my father was livid because if anyone was going to destroy my innocence it should be him, not Jack...”
A sigh.
“I’d always avoided arguments, and I avoided them even more after that. But on that day I decided that I wasn’t going to budge or compromise. As you know, I get very stubborn. I’d just had the most incredible, mind-blowing experience of my life and they were turning it into something sordid and wrong, intruding into my personal, private life in ways they had no right to. Of course I later understood some of the concerns... Having such a deep and all-encompassing experience as my very first sexual experience affected me far more than I realised. You had a taste of it, that day at NASA. Josh and Jamie got the full blast...”
A pensive moment, as he looked out into the garden again. A soft breeze played with his hair, and she once more wondered how he could have turned into someone so severe looking. There seemed so very, very little left of the playful boy she remembered. Or maybe this had always been hidden inside? He’d lied to her for so long, and so thoroughly... How well had she known him?
“I didn’t know how to separate anything... Wasn’t aware that whatever natural barriers my mind might once have had were no longer there, so if I ever did anything using my mind and not just my body... It all bled together. Of course the Doctor didn’t actually explain any of this, he was just angry and deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed. Did his whole ‘I am older and I know better’ routine which sets any youngster’s teeth on edge. Also it didn’t help that they blamed Jack, deciding that he’d ‘led me astray’ and I didn’t understand what I’d done. Of course they were right - I didn’t have a clue as to any of the consequences - but that was entirely beside the point. I was angry about how they dismissed me, and told them that I was old enough to make my own decisions - if they wanted to hold anyone accountable, it should be me, not Jack. He was honest with me, not sneaking behind my back, spying. It all sort of went downhill from there... The upshot was that I declared that if I couldn’t use my ship as I wanted, what was the point of me having it at all? To which the Doctor said that in that case they might as well confiscate it and put me somewhere I could think things over in peace and quiet. And thus - Cambridge. For three years. They figured that would probably be long enough for me to learn something about standing on my own feet, and responsibility and so forth.”
An insect settled on Allison’s knee, shimmering in all the colours of the rainbow. Simple and beautiful, without a care... It was strange, knowing the story. She'd thought it'd help, but it didn't change a thing, really. Or maybe she only felt like that because it was all now in the past.
“They didn’t see you coming. Heck, the Doctor was thrilled when he first found out I was seeing someone, as I’m sure you remember? Never thought how hurt or damaged we might get. I suppose he was mostly considering how I’d learn something about love and relationships. Which I did...”
One of the suns was now setting, one half of the duplicate shadows lengthening. The Seeker reached out and took her hand, and she was shocked at the sudden touch. His hand was cool, his grip light, yet she could tell how much it was costing him.
“Meeting the love of your life when you’re eighteen isn’t a very good idea. Well, it’s... complicated. I don’t think the Doctor had a clue - and anyway, he’s forever picking up new strays when he’s left the old ones behind... I was never like that, and he didn’t realise. Maybe you imprinted on me, or something, but there was only ever you.”
Two hundred years... And only her? She looked into blue eyes and could almost fool herself into thinking they were brown.
“There’s never been anyone else?”
He shook his head.
“I never let myself love again. I only had you for a few years, but losing you hurt too much to risk it again. Besides, there’s something else... Come with me?”
He stood, pulling her up with him and then led her through winding paths to a sheltered, mostly hidden, part of the garden. She marvelled at how much it had changed - not that two hundred years wasn't plenty of time, but she was sure the whole layout was different to what it had been before. She had seen her mother pore over enough garden designs to notice. And the garden was... she struggled to put her finger on it, but ‘human’ was the best approximation. She recalled it being all circles before, but now the order was more like something in a stately home, if more artistic. The 'artistic' part being another puzzle - the garden was far too whimsical to have been designed by him.
Then he stopped, and she realised where he’d led her. By the wall, surrounded by impeccably tended rose buses, was a gravestone, bearing his mother’s name...
“I brought her here, when she got older. My father... didn’t know what to do. I think he loved her, in his own, strange way - but he only knows how to break things, how to dominate. Being involved with someone of a different species is difficult enough, but there is a reason he’s always broken his toys in the past, a reason the Doctor leaves everyone behind - human decay and death, it is...”
His brow furrowed, and she thought he might be speaking more to himself than to her.
“... unnatural, to us. As strange and alien as I suspect regeneration is to you. But she was my mother, and I did what any son would do - looked after her, until the end. I think she was happy here. She redesigned the whole garden in her last years, creating this legacy of beauty. Maybe it was her way of atoning... Still. Watching her, caring for her-”
He closed his eyes, and for a moment bowed his head, as Allison waited for what was coming.
“-it made me grateful that you left. It was hard enough to watch my mother die, but imagining it happening to you...”
He swallowed, and when he turned to her, his blue eyes were once more unshielded, the emotion they held staggering.
“I don’t know how I would have coped. In my mind you are always young, always bright and wonderful and happy, so full of potential and vision. You gave me that legacy to hold onto, and I want to thank you for that. If that’s selfish of me, I’m sorry. But I’m trying to be honest with you - never thought I’d have the chance.”
Maybe it was due to the impossibility of their situation; the fact that there could never have been a solution - that love could have hurt him more than leaving. Maybe it was another glimpse of the boy she’d loved revealed in the man beside her. Maybe the realisation, bonedeep and final, that she really had lost him... Whatever the cause, the result was the same.
Impulsively she stepped closer, put her hands on his face - and kissed him.
For a second he froze in surprise; but then he leaned into the kiss, gently wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer. His lips were cool and soft, and she could feel a tremor running through him as he deepened the kiss...
When they finally pulled apart, he cupped her face with both hands, searching her eyes.
“Stay with me,” he said, voice barely above a breath. “A day, a week, a month - you have time, now. I could even-”
“No,” she cut him off. Not moving away, but shaking her head firmly. She couldn’t do this. “You’re not - you’re not him. And I have a life to get back to - most specifically a symposium.”
His eyes shuttered again, like a light being extinguished.
“Of course. I’m sorry. Rassilon knows I’m old enough not to be so foolish. Follow me, I can transmat you back.”
Feeling oddly shell-shocked, although she wasn’t quite sure why, she let him lead her back into the house, through semi-circuitous routes ending up in the centre. It was a different path to the one taken earlier on, or at least she thought so - it was hard to be sure. The building was a maze, although a thoroughly furnished and lived-in maze. Through open doors she - as before - glimpsed rooms and spaces, no longer empty or with basic IKEA-like furniture, but eclectic and old enough to warrant two hundred years of existence... She was sure most items (like the giant rug she spotted in a large sitting room) came with their own story. Stories she would never know, as this was when their paths diverged.
(He remembered her as young, clearly he wasn’t going to pop by on a regular basis once she’d broken up with him.)
When they reached the central room he motioned towards an empty space by the wall.
“Please stand on that black square?” he asked. “I need to calibrate everything quite carefully so the timing’s correct, and your exact details are important.”
She stood still, watching him traipse back and forth between different consoles pressing buttons and typing commands; now and again consulting his watch, or stopping to calibrate something in his mind.
The changes to this room - the hub around which everything else turned - were less pronounced, although there were more instruments, and the workbenches had neat piles to overflowing. And the arched doorway in the very centre now led to a tower, just like he’d planned back then. He’d taken her up there when they’d landed, the view being spectacular although somewhat vertiginous. From their vantage point he’d pointed out other, newer buildings, explaining what they contained, and what work he’d been doing. She understood enough to understand how complex it was - how little need he had of her when it came to his life’s work.
It was all too late now, of course, but could there ever have been a way to make it work? To bridge the chasm between their worlds, where one of them would die, and the other be re-born...
Then she was distracted by the images she could glimpse on the screen nearest to her - they very clearly showed the car park where she had parked earlier in the evening (how long had it been - two, three hours? Seemed so much longer) and she couldn’t stop herself asking what he was doing. He looked up, apparently surprised at the interruption, yet explained readily enough:
“I’m going to send you back to where you were, but at a point in time after the fight and Torchwood’s cleanup. It’s rather a complex thing, as Torchwood has already been busy wiping the CCTV footage. Not that I can’t detect what they’ve done, and where, but it’s just taking that bit longer - keeping links open over two centuries is annoyingly awkward.”
She nodded. As a plan that made sense, although...
“Right. But can’t you just... I dunno, call Jack and find out where people are and when?”
This lengthening of their goodbye wasn’t doing her any good. He had something to focus on. She didn’t.
Turning away from the consoles completely, he hesitated.
“Not really, it’s... complicated.”
She didn’t reply, and he - momentarily hesitating for reasons she didn’t understand immediately - began elaborating.
“My Jack - the one I came with, whom I’m presuming is more or less linear with me - will have alerted Torchwood, the current Torchwood that is. Probably without revealing who he is - there is a standard code for ‘Clean up operation needed’, they might think it’s the police that’s called them. And whilst the team - and current Jack - are out, my Jack will have gone to ‘borrow’ Ianto for a while.”
It took her a moment to process what he was getting at, after which she must have made some sort of indication to show that she got it, as he tilted his head, smiling that sad, but very shielded smile he’d worn a lot.
“Yes, we’re both visiting the past tonight. Must be greater gluttons for punishment that I thought...”
Avoiding her eyes, he once more focussed on his instruments, and she tried to hold onto her emotions. If she started crying now... No, she couldn’t let herself. It would just make everything worse.
Then all of a sudden everything was ready - except her. Because this was the end, this was where it all stopped. Screwed over by time, the life they might have had just... stolen away and gone. Vanished in a puff of possible paradoxes and time that couldn’t be rewritten.
He surveyed everything one last time, then laid a hand on a switch before catching her eyes.
“One last thing - if you ever need me, just call. I’m always here.”
The irony didn’t pass her by, and she took a deep breath. This was it.
“Goodbye,” she said, and he swallowed. She knew she would always remember him the way he was now. The hair like fire, the sharp, stylish cut of the coat, the cool exterior, belied by the hidden pain in his eyes.
“Goodbye my love.”
It was more of a whisper, the softest of echoes in her ears as the world turned to white-out.
A moment later she found herself in the selfsame spot she had occupied when she first arrived. The rented car was next to her, the lighting was still dim, the concrete barriers still blocking movement and visibility.
As if in a dream she sorted out a ticket for the car, fetched her bag and set off towards the symposium.
She carried her future in her hands, and she was going to be brilliant, that part she had no doubt about. And tonight was the beginning - she would turn some heads, make them take notice, make sure they remembered her. She could finally commit, even if it felt like half of her was dying.
(She had lived with a broken heart for a long time. She knew how to cope. Knew how to shine when the pain threatened to overwhelm her. She’d been standing on Mars but a few hours earlier. She’d be goddamn inspirational tonight.)
Walking through the streets, she looked up at the dark sky. She could hardly see the stars from where she was, but she knew they were there. Like him...
Since she was tiny she had looked up at the skies, intrigued. Was it any wonder that she had fallen in love with a boy from the stars? Was it any wonder that he had - in the end - proved as elusive as they?
Would she spend her whole life looking up, remembering her golden boy? Would she become like him... Singular, but lonely? The two of them forever separated by time and space, torn apart by random events - the Time Lord defeated by time itself. She felt angry and hurt and helpless; forced into accepting choices she wasn't sure she would have made, one final question in her mind.
Would she ever see him again?
Chapter 35
(If you want to know how the Seeker coped with losing Allison for the second time, please read Timely Lovers.)