Theodore Darymple agrees with me.
A decade ago, in response to someone bragging about his high self-esteem, I noted the following important distinction: In the Oxford English Dictionary there's an interesting difference between "esteem" and "respect." Both definitions start the same, "To hold in high regard," but respect has an addition: "for accomplishments or actions.
The difference is subtle, but important. "Self-esteem" is the act of holding yourself valuable; on the other hand, "self-respect" is the act of holding yourself valuable because of your past, your accomplishments and actions. To me, being able to be a part of society, to be responsible for your own actions and to understand why you are a part of society, is an activity worthy of respect, not "esteem."
The dictionary appears to be aware of this distinction, as the same concept can be found in the entry for pride: pride: the quality or state of being proud: as
The difference is subtle, but important. "Self-esteem" is the act of holding yourself valuable; on the other hand, "self-respect" is the act of holding yourself valuable because of your past, your accomplishments and actions. To me, being able to be a part of society, to be responsible for your own actions and to understand why you are a part of society, is an activity worthy of respect, not "esteem."
The dictionary appears to be aware of this distinction, as the same concept can be found in the entry for pride: pride: the quality or state of being proud: as
- inordinate self-esteem : CONCEIT
- a reasonable or justifiable self-respect
Imagine my delight when my favorite living curmudgeon offered today his own essay on self-esteem vs. self-respect: With the coyness of someone revealing a bizarre sexual taste, my patients would often say to me, "Doctor, I think I'm suffering from low self-esteem."
...
Self-esteem is but a division of self-importance, which is seldom an attractive quality. That person is best who never thinks of his own importance: to think about it, even, is to be lost to morality.
Self-respect is another quality entirely. Where self-esteem is entirely egotistical, requiring that the world should pay court to oneself whatever oneself happens to be like or do, and demands nothing of the person who wants it, self-respect is a social virtue, a discipline, that requires an awareness of and sensitivity to the feelings of others. It requires an ability and willingness to put oneself in someone else's place; it requires dignity and fortitude, and not always taking the line of least resistance.
As the saying goes, read it all.