FIC: Due South Park, 1/1 (thank god), R
Title: Due South Park
Author: Anonymous
Rating: R for language
Notes: I’m going to hell for this particular crossover. I already know it, so there’s no need to remind me of this fact if you should be so foolish as to click on the link. However, malnpudl is going with me, because she forced me to post it. Just shy of 700 words of damnation.
ACT I:
CARTMAN: I’m telling you, they’re up here. I can smell them.
STAN: You asshole. You dragged us up the side of the mountain for no reason. I’m going home.
(Two adults appear from left, one with dark hair and a snazzy suit and tie, the other wearing a weird-looking hat and bright red jacket)
FRASER: Excuse me children, I wonder if I might have a word with you.
CARTMAN: Dude! What’s with the red jacket? Are you gay or something?
FRASER: Well, no. At the moment, I’m not particularly happy. My partner, Detective Ray Vecchio -
VECCHIO: Can we get on with this?
FRASER: - and I have come to South Park on the trail of the thieves of the donuts of my half-wolf, Diefenbaker.
(Morbidly obese dog rolls in from left)
KYLE: Hey Cartman, you think that’s what you’ve -
(Cartman claps hand over Kyle’s mouth)
CARTMAN: We haven’t seen any donuts here. Guess you’ll have to look someplace else.
KENNY: So tell me, Vecchio. Do you like it better up the ass from the dog or the Mountie?
VECCHIO: You little fucker!
FRASER: Ray, language!
KENNY: Or do you like blowing the dog instead?
(Vecchio backhands Kenny off the mountain)
STAN: Oh my god! He killed Kenny. You bastard!
VECCHIO: He deserved it. Come on, Benny. Let’s go back to town.
ACT II:
GARRISON: Class, today, I have a special treat for you! Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police has kindly offered -
KYLE: How do we know he’s actually a Mountie?
CARTMAN: Yeah! Anybody can dress up in a red coat and call themselves a Mountie.
STAN: No shit. And do you see those buttons on his jacket? They look like fire department buttons, not RCMP buttons.
GARRISON: Class, I assure you that -
CARTMAN: I know how we can tell!
KYLE: How?
CARTMAN: Make him sing. All Mounties can sing. Everyone knows that.
FRASER: Very well.
(Fraser pulls guitar from back of pants and starts singing just as another man, blond and wearing blue jeans and a Bulls shirt, enters the classroom)
Well, I was born up north of Denver
In a land so filled with farts,
That I lost my son Virgil -
KOWALSKI: Oh, man, not the fart song. Anything but the fart song.
KYLE: Who are you?
KOWALSKI: I’m Ray Vecchio.
CARTMAN: No you aren’t. We met Vecchio last night, and you’re not him.
STAN: He killed Kenny. That bastard.
KYLE: Vecchio has dark hair.
CARTMAN: What’s left of it.
KOWALSKI: You never heard of the Hair Dye Club for Men?
STAN: And he has this really big nose.
KOWALSKI: Plastic surgery.
CARTMAN: No way you’re Vecchio, asshole.
GARRISON: Class, this is hardly the -
KOWALSKI: I don’t have time for this. I gotta catch up with my ex so I can get some quality stalking time in. Pitter patter, Fraser. I got a lead on those donuts.
FRASER: Of course Ray.
(Garrison cops a feel of Fraser’s ass as he passes Garrison to leave)
ACT III:
CHEF: These ain’t no donuts. These are my salty balls.
FRASER: Yes, but -
CHEF: Here. Take a lick.
KOWALSKI: Oh no you don’t. You do not lick those things and expect to kiss me later on.
CARTMAN: Hah! You are gay! I knew it!
(Diefenbaker rolls in from right at a high rate of speed, knocking Cartman on his ass).
DIEFENBAKER: Woof!
FRASER: Are you sure?
KOWALSKI: What’s he saying?
FRASER: Apparently, Ray Vecchio has left Diefenbaker for some blond bitch he met early this morning.
KOWALSKI: So he knocked down the kid because of distempered anger?
FRASER: No, he knocked down the kid because the kid is holding Diefenbaker’s donuts. Young man, I think you and I need to have a discussion about the evils of theft.
KOWALSKI: Now you’re in for it.
CHEF (to Fraser, who ignores him): You sure you don’t want to lick my salty balls?
KOWALSKI: Give it up. Once he gets started on stories from the northeast Aries constellation, you can’t get him to stop. Hey - you got any chocolate coffee around here?
Author: Anonymous
Rating: R for language
Notes: I’m going to hell for this particular crossover. I already know it, so there’s no need to remind me of this fact if you should be so foolish as to click on the link. However, malnpudl is going with me, because she forced me to post it. Just shy of 700 words of damnation.
ACT I:
CARTMAN: I’m telling you, they’re up here. I can smell them.
STAN: You asshole. You dragged us up the side of the mountain for no reason. I’m going home.
(Two adults appear from left, one with dark hair and a snazzy suit and tie, the other wearing a weird-looking hat and bright red jacket)
FRASER: Excuse me children, I wonder if I might have a word with you.
CARTMAN: Dude! What’s with the red jacket? Are you gay or something?
FRASER: Well, no. At the moment, I’m not particularly happy. My partner, Detective Ray Vecchio -
VECCHIO: Can we get on with this?
FRASER: - and I have come to South Park on the trail of the thieves of the donuts of my half-wolf, Diefenbaker.
(Morbidly obese dog rolls in from left)
KYLE: Hey Cartman, you think that’s what you’ve -
(Cartman claps hand over Kyle’s mouth)
CARTMAN: We haven’t seen any donuts here. Guess you’ll have to look someplace else.
KENNY: So tell me, Vecchio. Do you like it better up the ass from the dog or the Mountie?
VECCHIO: You little fucker!
FRASER: Ray, language!
KENNY: Or do you like blowing the dog instead?
(Vecchio backhands Kenny off the mountain)
STAN: Oh my god! He killed Kenny. You bastard!
VECCHIO: He deserved it. Come on, Benny. Let’s go back to town.
ACT II:
GARRISON: Class, today, I have a special treat for you! Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police has kindly offered -
KYLE: How do we know he’s actually a Mountie?
CARTMAN: Yeah! Anybody can dress up in a red coat and call themselves a Mountie.
STAN: No shit. And do you see those buttons on his jacket? They look like fire department buttons, not RCMP buttons.
GARRISON: Class, I assure you that -
CARTMAN: I know how we can tell!
KYLE: How?
CARTMAN: Make him sing. All Mounties can sing. Everyone knows that.
FRASER: Very well.
(Fraser pulls guitar from back of pants and starts singing just as another man, blond and wearing blue jeans and a Bulls shirt, enters the classroom)
Well, I was born up north of Denver
In a land so filled with farts,
That I lost my son Virgil -
KOWALSKI: Oh, man, not the fart song. Anything but the fart song.
KYLE: Who are you?
KOWALSKI: I’m Ray Vecchio.
CARTMAN: No you aren’t. We met Vecchio last night, and you’re not him.
STAN: He killed Kenny. That bastard.
KYLE: Vecchio has dark hair.
CARTMAN: What’s left of it.
KOWALSKI: You never heard of the Hair Dye Club for Men?
STAN: And he has this really big nose.
KOWALSKI: Plastic surgery.
CARTMAN: No way you’re Vecchio, asshole.
GARRISON: Class, this is hardly the -
KOWALSKI: I don’t have time for this. I gotta catch up with my ex so I can get some quality stalking time in. Pitter patter, Fraser. I got a lead on those donuts.
FRASER: Of course Ray.
(Garrison cops a feel of Fraser’s ass as he passes Garrison to leave)
ACT III:
CHEF: These ain’t no donuts. These are my salty balls.
FRASER: Yes, but -
CHEF: Here. Take a lick.
KOWALSKI: Oh no you don’t. You do not lick those things and expect to kiss me later on.
CARTMAN: Hah! You are gay! I knew it!
(Diefenbaker rolls in from right at a high rate of speed, knocking Cartman on his ass).
DIEFENBAKER: Woof!
FRASER: Are you sure?
KOWALSKI: What’s he saying?
FRASER: Apparently, Ray Vecchio has left Diefenbaker for some blond bitch he met early this morning.
KOWALSKI: So he knocked down the kid because of distempered anger?
FRASER: No, he knocked down the kid because the kid is holding Diefenbaker’s donuts. Young man, I think you and I need to have a discussion about the evils of theft.
KOWALSKI: Now you’re in for it.
CHEF (to Fraser, who ignores him): You sure you don’t want to lick my salty balls?
KOWALSKI: Give it up. Once he gets started on stories from the northeast Aries constellation, you can’t get him to stop. Hey - you got any chocolate coffee around here?