Ramblings (One-Shot, Brothers Karamazov)
Title: Ramblings
Fandom: Brothers Karamazov
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Pavel Smerdyakov
Synopsis: A glimpse into the mind of Pavel Smerdyakov.
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, I am merely borrowing them for the purpose of this fic.
A/N: This version of Pavel is a mixture of the book, the musical by Takarazuka Kagekidan and my own version. Heavy influence from the musical in the name spelling and honorifics attached to names.
Warning: Swearing.
---
No-one understands. No-one ever understands. Not Maria, who follows me around so loyally. Not Marfa, nor Grigory, those who raised me like a son. Not Fyodor, my so called master. Not even Ivan-sama truly understands.
I am a most unusual fellow. Even I, Pavel Smerdyakov, will readily admit that. My mind is not the most stable. But even someone as unhinged as myself has more intelligence in my little finger than most of that cursed family that I serve. Ivan-sama and Little Alyosha not included. So maybe it's more just half of the family, the two members of the family who are so alike that they would eventually kill each other.
Dmitri-san... Why I show him respect sometimes is beyond me. He does not deserve any of my respect in the slightest. All that brute ever does is drink, give in to his vices and abuse people. I still hold many a scar from that swine. Everytime he comes anywhere in the same vicinty as me recently, he's taken to hitting me. He is nothing but a brute. There is no intelligence or thought within that large head of his. He speaks with his fists more than his mouth. I sometimes question how the true brothers are ever related to him, but alas they are. There is no mistaking his relation to his father though.
Fyodor... my blood boils at the mere mention of that man. Every time my eyes land on that slimey bastard I just want to take whatever is nearest at hand and slam it into the back of his head. That man has brought me nothing but pain. He is the real reason I am the way I am today. It is his fault. Many suspect that he is my father... that I am a Fyodorvitch... a Karamazov. And unfortunately I would have to agree with them... there are some similarities between us all that cannot be passed over as mere coincidence. But I would never call that man my father.
What he did to my mother... he killed her. She was an innocent, and he defiled her in the worst possible way. I never knew my mother but I heard the stories. I know she was practically a mute. I knew they all thought her stupid. I've heard all the stories about what happenned to her. But I never knew her. Growing up not knowing your true mother... do you have any idea what that does to a man? And knowing that that bastard who harmed her is walking around scott free without a care in the world?
People spit at me because I am a bastard child. They call me the lowest of the low. But they don't know. They don't realise that it is in fact them who is the lowest of the low. For I have something on my side that they could only dream about. Intelligence. A brain. If I wanted to I could easily remove myself from the pit that I currently live in. I remain simply for one, no two reasons...
One... to bring justice for what happenned to my mother. Two... for Ivan-sama.
I am not sure why but Ivan-sama has this strange pull about him and I find myself drawn to him constantly. I want nothing more than for that man to be happy. Why? I am not overly sure. He has never really shown me outright concern. But out of everyone he is the one to actually notice me. He knows. He can see my position. He doesn't understand me completely but he understands more than everyone else. There is no-one else he can have a real conversation with.
I would do anything for that man. Anything. I would steal money for him if he needed it. I would go to another country to get him something he wanted. I would stab myself in the eye if he asked me to.
I would commit murder if he asked me to.
I am ready and waiting for him to say the words and I will do it. Oh I will do it.
Anything for him.
For Ivan-sama.
Fandom: Brothers Karamazov
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Pavel Smerdyakov
Synopsis: A glimpse into the mind of Pavel Smerdyakov.
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, I am merely borrowing them for the purpose of this fic.
A/N: This version of Pavel is a mixture of the book, the musical by Takarazuka Kagekidan and my own version. Heavy influence from the musical in the name spelling and honorifics attached to names.
Warning: Swearing.
---
No-one understands. No-one ever understands. Not Maria, who follows me around so loyally. Not Marfa, nor Grigory, those who raised me like a son. Not Fyodor, my so called master. Not even Ivan-sama truly understands.
I am a most unusual fellow. Even I, Pavel Smerdyakov, will readily admit that. My mind is not the most stable. But even someone as unhinged as myself has more intelligence in my little finger than most of that cursed family that I serve. Ivan-sama and Little Alyosha not included. So maybe it's more just half of the family, the two members of the family who are so alike that they would eventually kill each other.
Dmitri-san... Why I show him respect sometimes is beyond me. He does not deserve any of my respect in the slightest. All that brute ever does is drink, give in to his vices and abuse people. I still hold many a scar from that swine. Everytime he comes anywhere in the same vicinty as me recently, he's taken to hitting me. He is nothing but a brute. There is no intelligence or thought within that large head of his. He speaks with his fists more than his mouth. I sometimes question how the true brothers are ever related to him, but alas they are. There is no mistaking his relation to his father though.
Fyodor... my blood boils at the mere mention of that man. Every time my eyes land on that slimey bastard I just want to take whatever is nearest at hand and slam it into the back of his head. That man has brought me nothing but pain. He is the real reason I am the way I am today. It is his fault. Many suspect that he is my father... that I am a Fyodorvitch... a Karamazov. And unfortunately I would have to agree with them... there are some similarities between us all that cannot be passed over as mere coincidence. But I would never call that man my father.
What he did to my mother... he killed her. She was an innocent, and he defiled her in the worst possible way. I never knew my mother but I heard the stories. I know she was practically a mute. I knew they all thought her stupid. I've heard all the stories about what happenned to her. But I never knew her. Growing up not knowing your true mother... do you have any idea what that does to a man? And knowing that that bastard who harmed her is walking around scott free without a care in the world?
People spit at me because I am a bastard child. They call me the lowest of the low. But they don't know. They don't realise that it is in fact them who is the lowest of the low. For I have something on my side that they could only dream about. Intelligence. A brain. If I wanted to I could easily remove myself from the pit that I currently live in. I remain simply for one, no two reasons...
One... to bring justice for what happenned to my mother. Two... for Ivan-sama.
I am not sure why but Ivan-sama has this strange pull about him and I find myself drawn to him constantly. I want nothing more than for that man to be happy. Why? I am not overly sure. He has never really shown me outright concern. But out of everyone he is the one to actually notice me. He knows. He can see my position. He doesn't understand me completely but he understands more than everyone else. There is no-one else he can have a real conversation with.
I would do anything for that man. Anything. I would steal money for him if he needed it. I would go to another country to get him something he wanted. I would stab myself in the eye if he asked me to.
I would commit murder if he asked me to.
I am ready and waiting for him to say the words and I will do it. Oh I will do it.
Anything for him.
For Ivan-sama.