The Old Maidenhood
Right, so I promised you a Sexual Revelation. These butterflies in my tummy are amusing me to no end . . . I'm feeling somewhat like I did just before Coming Out (as Bi- telling my dad about my Poly life came much later) to my parents. I know you guys are open-minded, I doubt there will be any negative reactions to what I'm about to say, but . . . fuck it. All I ask is that you read this entire entry before posting a comment. I'll try to do a little FAQ, answer all the questions I normally get on this issue.
This is my own personal definition of sex:
Sex occurs when I have an orgasm in the presence of at least one other person.
There are lots of reasons (besides my self-centrism) why I have settled on that particular definition of sex, but they aren't particularly relevant right now.
If I were to use the "standard" definition of sex (Sex occurs when the penis or penislike implement penetrates a womyn's vagina, and the male/weilder of the implement comes to orgasm), then I . . . yes, 35% Sexually Pure me, would be forced to call herself a virgin.
The main reason I stopped calling myself a virgin is the implications of that word. I am not a sexual innocent. I have had experiences that some married conservatives can't even imagine. I have stories of personal adventures that make some of my kinkier friends whimper in envy.
But, if you get right down to it, I've never had a penis in my vagina. I've not had much of anything in my vagina other than tampons an an occasional exploratory finger- pretty much always my own. When extremely wet and relaxed, I can slide a finger, sometimes two, into myself without difficulty. I always feel the same thing . . . a sense of detachment, a vague feeling that there's something inside me, and mild nausea. I've read that there are very few nerve endings inside the vagina itself- that the pleasure many womyn get from penetration has to do with pressure or having their os knocked by long penises/objects or G-spot stimulation, or the plain old joy of seeing their partner enjoying the hell out of their bodies. I'm vaguely curious about this G-spot thing (and what that deeper-feeling vaginal orgasm is like), but it's mainly the last of those that makes me wish, sometimes, I had a more normal female sexuality. But the fact that I can hardly feel anything that's inside me makes me think I have even fewer nerve endings than normal. Well, there's some psychological factors to this whole thing, too. Let's start this FAQ.
I'm sure the FAQ should be longer, but I'm hungry. So ask away. As ever, there are very few things I consider too personal to discuss.
This is my own personal definition of sex:
Sex occurs when I have an orgasm in the presence of at least one other person.
There are lots of reasons (besides my self-centrism) why I have settled on that particular definition of sex, but they aren't particularly relevant right now.
If I were to use the "standard" definition of sex (Sex occurs when the penis or penislike implement penetrates a womyn's vagina, and the male/weilder of the implement comes to orgasm), then I . . . yes, 35% Sexually Pure me, would be forced to call herself a virgin.
The main reason I stopped calling myself a virgin is the implications of that word. I am not a sexual innocent. I have had experiences that some married conservatives can't even imagine. I have stories of personal adventures that make some of my kinkier friends whimper in envy.
But, if you get right down to it, I've never had a penis in my vagina. I've not had much of anything in my vagina other than tampons an an occasional exploratory finger- pretty much always my own. When extremely wet and relaxed, I can slide a finger, sometimes two, into myself without difficulty. I always feel the same thing . . . a sense of detachment, a vague feeling that there's something inside me, and mild nausea. I've read that there are very few nerve endings inside the vagina itself- that the pleasure many womyn get from penetration has to do with pressure or having their os knocked by long penises/objects or G-spot stimulation, or the plain old joy of seeing their partner enjoying the hell out of their bodies. I'm vaguely curious about this G-spot thing (and what that deeper-feeling vaginal orgasm is like), but it's mainly the last of those that makes me wish, sometimes, I had a more normal female sexuality. But the fact that I can hardly feel anything that's inside me makes me think I have even fewer nerve endings than normal. Well, there's some psychological factors to this whole thing, too. Let's start this FAQ.
- Why?
There's a lot of answers to this, but the most important one is: I don't want to. If I ever wanted to have intercourse, I'd ask my loving Julius to start stretching me immediately. I vigorously defend an individual's right to have whatever kind of sex life they want to shape for themselves. If you want to cut holes in stuffed animals and fuck them, I don't have a problem with that. Anything goes, as long as it's done with the other person or animal's free and voluntary consent, and with respect to that person or animal. And if there's things you really don't want to do . . . oral and anal sex are pretty common ones . . . then there's no reason that anybody should question you about your limits. But since I have such an unusual limit, I get a lot of questions. I don't mind answering them, I've done a lot of thinking about this. - Did you have a bad experience early on?
No. I was a late bloomer, only becoming sexually active in the sophmore year of college. By then, my confidence and self-assuredness were high enough that I knew if I met up with a lover who just wanted to have intercourse with me, I could say "my way or the highway, and I don't give a fuck about your blue balls!" In the early years of my sex life, I assumed that intercourse was something I would want eventually. Now I'm not so sure. Like a large number of straight men feel about their anus, I have a hard time imagining my vagina as something other than exit-only. I may well try anal intercourse before I get around to trying vaginal. I may never try vaginal intercourse (and there's no biological reason to, I don't want to bear children), and I'm now completely comfortable with that.
Related to this, Otto used to think I was the victim of sexual abuse in childhood. Though it's possible (who can say if you haven't completely blocked out something horrible that happened to you when you were tiny), I highly doubt this hypothesis. First of all, I don't even have the shadows of memories of anything nefarious or icky- my childhood was pleasant, for the most part. Second of all, I don't have any of the patterns of abuse I've witnessed in my friends who really have been sexually or physically abused. - You mentioned nausea- could this just be a phobia?
Yes, it could. I have two phobias that this touches on. But as I think about my phobias, I wonder about the wisdom of trying to overcome them, especially just for having-no-phobias' sake. I think both of my major phobias are present for good reasons. The first is my phobia of pregancy. I'm not afraid of pregnant womyn, but I'm terrified of becoming pregnant. This is why I almost always perform outercourse (genital-to-genital nonpenetrative contact) with a condom over the guy's dick. I know the risk is small of a sperm making it past all the various guardians of my vaginal entrance and up into the correct fallopian tube . . . but I don't want to risk it. I'm looking seriously into getting my tubes tied in Canada.
My other major phobia is a generalized phobia of being punctured. So I'm not afraid of rattlesnakes . . . but I'm not surprised that my reaction to meeting one face-to-face in the plateaus of Oregon was to leap backwards 6 or 7 feet. I'm afraid of being bitten by a poisonous creature. I'm afraid of being stung by a poisonous insect. Mosquitos are just annoying, and I fully expect hamsters and other bad-tempered rodents to bite me, but I was hyperventilating when they took a test for mono, last time I went into the doctor's office. And that was just a finger-prick. I fainted the last time I had blood taken from my arm. And every time I feel myself becoming annoyed that I can't use my right hand on planes, I remind myself that Julius is to flying what I am to a doctor's office, with a needle coming towards my body. Needless to say, I don't give blood. My body boundaries are solid, fully black lines. Stuff gets pushed out of the two holes I sit on, but only the hole I talk through is a two-way gate. I am covered with skin. Noone gets to come in. - But how do you know you won't like it if you've never tried it?
If the very concept makes my stomach turn over, why on Earth would I be motivated to try it out? Also, I don't want the muscles around my vaginal entrance to relax. I really enjoy outercourse, and there are a few positions where a dick might slip in accidentally, if I was loose. I like having my entire vulva region stimulated, I just can't imagine that having something moving in and out of that hole would feel better. Also, if I try it, I have to enter the nightmare that is current birth control. As you've already read, I'm rather disgusted with that whole scene, glad to be on the periphery. - Do you think that you'll want to do it someday, when you find The One?
Like I said, if I suddenly wanted to do intercourse, I'd immediately ask my husband to start preparing my body. But this isn't about love or "saving myself for my soulmate". It's simply about me and my desires. - Wait a minute . . . are you telling me that you kept two male lovers happy, for a year and a half, without having intercourse with either of them?
Yep. My husband would still be a "virgin" too, if not for his other lover. They both had her to have intercourse with, and me to do the oddball kinky things that I sometimes like. It was something of a strain between me and Otto: if I fucked him three times in the same week, sometime during that third time he'd have this look in his eyes of frustration. But to his credit, he verbalized that frustration pretty rarely. It's never been a problem with Julius. I had a slight insecurity, that once Julius tried intercourse he'd see our sex life as petty, but he considers intercourse nothing more or less than another form of sex. Not intrinsically better or worse than the others. - Are you sure you're not a dyke?
If I'm a dyke, I'm a dyke who's been deeply in love with a handsome, hairy, large-dicked man for seven and a half years. I think it's safe to say I like boys, I just don't have any wish for them to stick their bits in me.
I'm sure the FAQ should be longer, but I'm hungry. So ask away. As ever, there are very few things I consider too personal to discuss.