Oh. I don't know whether to be glad or sad now. He should be ready to move on, but take the glad with him. But somehow it was sad as there was just an empty box but for a few words - from a dusty memory.
I think it's sad but also exciting as he has so much to find out before he can join her. But then after three years he really should be moving on, he's hurting himself more by clinging on to something he cannot change.
I couldn't decide on the note, it's either about her death or it suggests that she had a child that Jeremy didn't know about. I wanted to keep it open to add suspense and mystery so I suppose I achieved this! Thank you for reading and good luck this week! :)
dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pausesbardiphoukaSeptember 22 2012, 23:12:23 UTC
Allo, I am one of your editors this week.
I love stories that can leave me with more questions than answers. Such as ..why is Jeremy ransacking the place now, years later. Is the chest magic, thus explaining why he had not noticed it before. What was in the note? And last but certainly not least, is Alice dead or has she disappeared? Curious minds want to know.
I also like the description of her slowly fading out of his mind as a presence. Very succint. Cannot wait to read more.
yeehaw, grammar and no holds barredribcagerebelSeptember 23 2012, 18:25:23 UTC
Your other editor, here! Let's dive right in! I'm going to be very rote with the grammar and perhaps lengthy with the content, so I hope you enjoy because I like being thorough and receiving thorough attention myself. NHB! Whee!
--GRAMMAR/SPELLING-- makeshift* is one word, and I personally prefer to spell new found as new-found, but whatever.
"Although unsure of what he was looking for" add comma after "for"
"The make shift office was already a mess;" I thought the "already" was referring to all of Jeremy's rifling around at first, but then the semicolon didn't make sense. I realized you meant that it was a mess before he started because of his wife so perhaps phrase that differently. Maybe say the mess wasn't new. I like the ring of "more important things to do than tidy."
six by three foot easy comma after "easy" one for keeping secrets comma after "secrets." I'm noticing a pattern. Check your conjunctions. Commas before them if connecting a series of items or independent clauses. So I won't correct anymore of these unless you
( ... )
Re: yeehaw, grammar and no holds barrededenieSeptember 26 2012, 22:20:01 UTC
Wow! Thank you for the great edit!
I'm terrible with commas, forever putting them in then taking them straight back out. I need to work on them. I have a whole thing with starting sentences with 'but' and 'and'. I know most people don't like it but it seems to fit with my writing so I do it anyway.
I so wanted to continue this for week three but life (as usual) got in the way. I'll be picking Jeremy and Alice up this week but I don't think I'll be revealing what the note said. :D
Comments 9
Interesting indeed! Blue.
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Thank you for reading it! :)
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Thank you for reading and good luck this week! :)
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I love stories that can leave me with more questions than answers. Such as ..why is Jeremy ransacking the place now, years later. Is the chest magic, thus explaining why he had not noticed it before. What was in the note? And last but certainly not least, is Alice dead or has she disappeared? Curious minds want to know.
I also like the description of her slowly fading out of his mind as a presence. Very succint. Cannot wait to read more.
Reply
Reply
--GRAMMAR/SPELLING--
makeshift* is one word, and I personally prefer to spell new found as new-found, but whatever.
"Although unsure of what he was looking for" add comma after "for"
"The make shift office was already a mess;" I thought the "already" was referring to all of Jeremy's rifling around at first, but then the semicolon didn't make sense. I realized you meant that it was a mess before he started because of his wife so perhaps phrase that differently. Maybe say the mess wasn't new. I like the ring of "more important things to do than tidy."
six by three foot easy comma after "easy"
one for keeping secrets comma after "secrets." I'm noticing a pattern. Check your conjunctions. Commas before them if connecting a series of items or independent clauses. So I won't correct anymore of these unless you ( ... )
Reply
I'm terrible with commas, forever putting them in then taking them straight back out. I need to work on them.
I have a whole thing with starting sentences with 'but' and 'and'. I know most people don't like it but it seems to fit with my writing so I do it anyway.
I so wanted to continue this for week three but life (as usual) got in the way. I'll be picking Jeremy and Alice up this week but I don't think I'll be revealing what the note said. :D
Reply
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