Echoes, Part 1: Chapter 4
Title: Echoes (Part 1)
Author: ecstaticdance
Word Count: 40,000
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Lee/Kara
Warnings: Smut. Mysticism. Spoilers through Season 3 for part 1 (to be safe), ultimately through Daybreak.
Summary:All of this has happened before, now we're going to see it happen again. But the Lords of Kobol want to see if they can possibly change it, so key characters have retained the echoes of memories which cause them to make different decisions, or experience things at different times, than in previous cycles.
Notes: This is a completed story. But it's a monster. Somewhere 150,000 words (pre-editing). I'm posting Part 1 now. The rest will be posted... as it's available, probably.
Also (and more importantly) THANK YOU! To christ_chexx_4u for doing such a fabulous beta job for me. And many, many thanks to those of you who cheered me on and supported me from the very beginning of this story. You inspire me.
Finally, thank you to redsmirch for the beautiful painting. She's offered to create some more for me, which I'll post links to as it becomes available. The image included here is a point I'm driving toward, which... comes later in the story. So it probably won't make much sense next to what you're reading just yet. But it's beautiful and needs to be shared.
Artist: redsmirch
Link to Art: And the darkness behind her pearled and flushed
Return to Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Lee managed, just barely, to close his father's hatch without slamming it. He marched purposefully through the corridors of Galactica, toward the hanger deck, where his Raptor awaited his return, his face a careful mask of control. Inside, he was screaming her name, a mantra to keep her alive and safe until he could reach her. He had to reach her. He just couldn't see how, yet. Not with his father's command to stay behind and start searching for Earth.
He climbed into his Raptor and slammed the hatch down. “Son of a bitch,” he muttered under his breath, then strapped himself in, giving the terse command to return to the Pegasus as soon as they were cleared for take-off. His father never had been willing to listen to alternatives when he thought he knew the answer. Lee set his jaw and steeled himself. He'd gambled his pins before, and for much lower stakes.
﴿﴾
Ellen walked into the middle of their meeting. She knew they'd be planning something, and probably something important enough to get her off the hook with Cavil. Sam folded up a piece of paper as she entered the tent, then continued the thought her entrance had interrupted. The paper was handed to Saul, who added it to another sheet and started getting up to burn it.
“Let me!” She forced a smile as she grabbed the papers hastily from him, then walked over to the stove to warm her hands. Opening the stove, she separated the papers and tossed in one. The other, a map she held close while she loosened her coat enough to tuck it into an inner pocket.
Her hand paused halfway to its destination. Her breath caught in her throat. She saw herself pinned under rubble in a bright, dusty haze and holding Saul's hand. He was weeping and struggling to pull her out. “We'll see each other again, Saul,” she promised him. She felt in her heart that it was true. The scene shifted; the walls were suddenly dark and the light dim. She felt Saul's arms around her, felt sleep washing through her body. Then she felt a shock of air and water and confusion. She was naked, surrounded by Cylons, unafraid and strangely calm. Even when the Cavil showed up.
We'll see each other again. She clung to the thought and forced herself to believe everything would be alright, no matter what choice she made. But she also knew how fragile Saul could be. What she had to do would tear him apart, but letting him die would be worse. She quickly stuffed the map into her coat, then tightened her belt. For his sake, she would follow through.
﴿﴾
Kara had managed to find Doc Cottle and hand the antibiotics over to him before the Cylons had detained her. She remembered that much. She remembered the shock as she was pushed into a near reproduction of her old apartment. She remembered the first time he had come to visit her.
Since then, everything had blurred.
Kara couldn't tell the difference between waking and sleeping any more. It didn't matter what state she was in, or how many times she killed him. He kept coming to her. Over and over and over again. He taunted her, tempted her, reasoned with her, guided her. When she was asleep, he said nothing. When she was awake, she killed him.
She'd lost track of how many times and ways he'd died at her hands. Knives, forks, chopsticks, toilet parts; no sharp edges remained within her reach, because she'd used all of them to dispatch him at least once. And it was always the same Leoben that came back to her. She could kill his body, but she couldn't kill him. She could feel sanity slipping away from her, could feel that dark abyss opening in front of her and drawing nearer. Backing away from it seemed impossible, and reality kept slipping through her fingers like so much fine sand. All she wanted was for this to end.
At the moment, she was sitting in a chair in her supposed living room. His corpse lay in the middle of the floor, haunting her. The soul was supposed to go to the Gods when the body died. She jumped when she heard the door open, even though she'd known he would be back.
He sauntered down the stairs, cool and infuriatingly calm. On his face, he wore the same sly, superior grin he always wore. He'd won, again. He couldn't loose. Kara wanted to scream and run at him, tear his eyes out, anything. Instead, she sat still and silent, watching him. He paused at the bottom of the stairs and took in the scene, then sighed and shook his head.
“I'm trying to help you, Kara.” Ignoring his own corpse, he crouched down in front of her, close enough to place a hand on her knee if he wanted to. This time, he chose not to. “I only want you to see the truth of your life. The reason why you struggled and you suffered for so long. That's why God sent me to you, and that's why God wants us to be together.”
She knew it was his favorite game. Trick Kara Thrace into acknowledging her love for Leoben Conoy. She was relatively certain that she wouldn't cave to him this time. She thought she only bent to that particular whim of his in her dreams. Instead of responding, she closed her eyes, and pulled up a different memory. Piercing blue eyes, strong hands, a firm voice. Lee. She opened her eyes, calmer, and still said nothing.
Leoben seemed put out, as if she weren't acting the script the way she was supposed to. He stood up and walked toward the door, stopping next to his dead body. He looked over his shoulder and sneered, “I hope you enjoy spending the night with me.”
He left the door partially open when he walked out, and she followed him half a minute later, running up the stairs, hoping against hope. She ran out of her door, and turned into the locked gate. Panic won, and she grasped the bars with white knuckled hands. She shook the gate, screaming incoherently until the tears took over, and all she could do was sink down against the bars of her cage and let them fall.
﴿﴾
Leoben watched Kara sitting at her dining room table, nothing in front of her, waiting. He couldn't see her eyes, but her entire posture spoke so loudly of exhaustion and defeat that he didn't need to. It was time. He walked quietly up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders.
“Life means something to us, Kara, so I've decided to show you just how precious life can be. How, even in the worst of times, it can restore your faith.” He felt her stiffen under his hands and reached around to grasp her chin, turning her face toward his. He looked into her eyes for a moment, then turned and walked back up the stairs.
﴿﴾
Kara turned in her seat, looked up the stairs, waiting again. The night before had been filled with dreams of her mother's screaming, of Leoben ravishing her, of images and sounds that had vanished like mist in the morning sun and left behind nothing but panic and pain. When Leoben had entered the apartment, just moments ago, she'd been recovering from seeing her own, battered, childhood face. She hadn't felt this kind of primal fear since then, since those worst days of her mother's abuse. The realization was like a trigger, so she pushed the fear away, and turned it into anger. Anger kept you alive. Fear killed you. Two sides of the same coin, she heard her own words in a corner of her mind, and stifled those as well.
Her blood turned to ice when Leoben reappeared, her mind freeze-framing what she saw so that she analyzed each step as it happened. His feet, followed by his legs, then his waist. But it was the new, smaller legs entering the picture that shocked her. She stopped registering Leoben, and was consumed by the young child he carried.
“Who is that?” Her terrified whisper carried through the otherwise silent room.
“This is Kacey. Our daughter.” The pride in Leoben's voice was unmistakable. “We managed to save your ovary when you burned down the medical facility we'd been treating you in on Caprica.”
Kara shook her head as Leoben walked past her to put the girl down on the couch. “What are you doing?” She jumped up, frantic, “No, you can't leave her here. I don't want her, I never even liked babysitting!”
Leoben just smiled and walked back up the stairs. “Give it a night, Kara. Maybe you'll change your mind.”
﴿﴾
Sharon Agathon landed her Raptor half a klick from the designated rendez-vous coordinates. The details had been sparse, but accurate. Taking along a few marines for backup, she'd found the spot without trouble, then called out the agreed upon phrase. “Go Panthers!”
A tense moment followed as she waited for Sam's expected response. “C-bucks rule!”
Sharon allowed herself a deep breath and small smile as she headed toward Sam. They hugged, briefly and as she pulled back, she shook her head. “It's been a long time.” Seeing him felt, somehow, like meeting an old friend, though they'd spent little enough time together.
His returned smile was weary and sarcastic. “Funny, seems like I see you every day.”
She winced and sighed as they turned toward the shore, leaving her marines behind. She should have known she wouldn't be greeted with open ams and enthusiasm. Putting aside her own disappointment, she settled in with Sam's team to discuss the plan that had been developed for getting her into and around the settlement on New Caprica. Halfway through the briefing, a crackle in the distant underbrush caught their attention. It was all the warning they got before Centurion bullets started to splash down around them. They managed to escape with only two casualties. She'd have to wait until she returned to her Raptor to see how her marines had fared.
Night fell, and Sam filled Sharon in on the finer details, or at least precautions, of the New Caprica end of her operation as they walked back toward the settlement, continuing as she changed into the civilian outfit that had been scrounged up for her. She left the tent and traveled quickly and carefully through the human settlement. Her destination was guarded solely by centurion model Cylons. This meant she should be able to walk in, get the codes she was after, and be gone before anyone was any the wiser.
She found the building she needed, and entered unchallenged. Accessing the proper vault and drawer numbers went equally smoothly. She pulled out the Colonial launch keys, turned and froze.
“You!” D'Anna's shock cost her enough time to allow Sharon to pull her weapon out and train it on the other Cylon.
“I'm not going to kill you, but I'm not going to let you stop me, either.” Sharon's heart raced, but her voice was steady and unconflicted.
“Why? Why do you want to stay with them?” She knew D'Anna was looking for any crack in her resolve.
“I gave my word, made my choice. I'm a colonial officer, now.” She'd offer none.
“But why that choice?” D'Anna persisted.
Sharon thought for a moment, her heart in her throat and a steady parade of the humans she cared about in her mind. When she finally spoke, her answer was simple. “For love,” she said.
“And what do you know about love?” D'Anna's voice was thick with disbelief, but her eyes filled with a completely unexpected longing.
That it tears you apart, she thought to herself, and then recreates you. That it will destroy you in the process of making you whole. Examples flashed through her head until, finally, she spoke. “I know that love will make you forgive things you never thought forgivable, and allow you to kill those you never expected to kill.” Sharon calmly took aim and shot both of D'Anna's feet. Then she returned, hands shaking, as quickly and directly as she dared, to the tent where she'd last seen Sam.
﴿﴾
Lee paced the floor in his quarters, trying to ignore Dee's recitation of all the requests being made of him now that he had officially been assigned the command of the Fleet. He needed to decide which crew members he could trust enough to bring with him, and which to leave guarding the remaining civilians. He grunted noncommittally when she seemed to pause for an answer.
“Permission to speak freely, sir.”
Lee blinked, stopped pacing and turned to face his communications officer. He was skeptical, but decided to hear her out. “Granted.”
Dee hesitated before jumping in. “Lee, your father gave you command of this Fleet because he believes in you. He believes that you can bring the rest of us to Earth.” She paused, as if searching for the right words.
Lee stepped into the void, “Is that so? Do you believe that?” When she nodded, he asked, “Why?”
Her answer was simple. “Because you're an Adama.”
“Yeah. Because I'm an Adama.” He grimaced, looking past her, and then nodded. Bitterness over the expectations that came with that name flooded through him. He would be the good soldier. He would put orders and chain-of-command ahead of his heart. He would do the right thing and make everything appear to work out, because he was an Adama. He had neither the energy nor the patience for the patronizing dribble that would follow if he engaged Dualla on the topic. “Advise the Fleet's captains that they will be waiting at the rendez-vous coordinates until the 18 hours designated by Admiral Adama have passed. Further discussion of our path will resume at that time. You're dismissed, Lt. Dualla.”
He waited until the door had closed behind Dee to call in his CAG. He would inform the Fleet's captains, personally, that the Pegasus would not be staying behind with the Vipers standing guard over them. His father may have accepted a one-way mission to die trying to save the humans on New Caprica, but Lee couldn't accept the possibility of not seeing Kara again, and he couldn't just let his last surviving family die. He was an Adama, after all, and he'd be damned if he was going to stand back and do nothing. Picking up his phone, he started calling officers and soldiers to his quarters.
﴿﴾
Kara paced back and forth. The kid was driving her nuts. Bouncing all over the couch, running around instead of staying put while she tried to figure out how she was going to cope with this new burden. She stopped, suddenly, as the little girl danced in front of her. Lee wanted one of these? Shaking her head, she picked the girl up and placed her back on the couch with a firm order to stay put.
She practically ran to the bathroom and closed the door, her breath short. Deep breaths, Kara, deep breaths. She was just starting to calm down when she heard the high pitched squeal, followed by a dull thump and absolute silence.
Terrified beyond what little reason or logic remained to her, Kara rushed back out into the apartment, and called the child's name, “Kacey? Kacey!” She turned and froze as she saw the small body crumpled in a pool of blood at the foot of the stairs.
What followed would forever after linger in her memory as a haze of personal guilt and fury with her mother. Her concern for the tiny figure lying so still beneath the sheets pushed all her other worries aside, and pulled up a storm of emotions and resentments she had thought she'd left far behind her. Socrata Thrace, Kara was sure, would not have spent the day hovering at her daughter's bedside, wondering whether or not the girl would wake up. She would simply have gone about her business, then berated Kara for taking so long deciding to either die or live. Kara was not her mother, and despite all her bluster to the contrary before Kacey's accident, she couldn't imagine spending her own time anywhere other than at the child's bedside while she was suffering. She berated herself for not remaining vigilant, for not caring when it would have mattered.
Kacey had woken up before night had fallen. Kara was vaguely concerned that she might have misled Leoben when she'd instinctively reached out to the body next to hers as Kacey's eyes had opened. It didn't matter. She almost understood where Lee's comment those many months before had come from, his admission that he'd considered the possibility of children and a quiet home. The new understanding she'd gained frightened her as much or more than the Cylon's refusal to stay dead. Between that realization and a day of swimming through memories of her mother, she should have expected the dreams.
﴿﴾
Leoben stood next to her as she watched a younger version of herself, dressed in a fresh, crisp officer's uniform, walk into her mother's home. The expression on her face was composed of equal parts excitement and trepidation.
Leoben's voice sounded muffled, rising through her memory. You confused the messenger with the message. Your mother was trying to teach you something else.
“So you made officer. Says here you're the best natural pilot they've ever seen.” Socrata paused and looked up at the younger Kara. “So why did you place 16th in your class?”
“16 out of 117--” She watched herself trying to will her mother to be proud of her.
“That's not good enough!” The older woman shouted.
Young Kara's back went up, “I'm sorry you never made officer, Mom, really I am, but I can't make up for that.” Kara winced, watching the scene. She'd known all of her mother's buttons, and exactly how to push them. She'd pushed them purposely, trying to force the reminder.
The only destiny I have is as a world-class frak up who hurts everyone she cares about. I was born to suffer. I'm bad luck, a cancer that needs to be removed. Kara shook her head to clear her thoughts.
“'Cause you're a quitter.” Socrata's quiet disdain still cut like a knife, and the old ounds on her heart felt new again. As did the bitterness that filled the conversation they'd shared immediately after, as Kara learned her mother was dying of cancer. She watched herself promise to not return, then run out the door, slamming it behind her.
“Your mother died alone, 5 weeks later.” Leoben's voice held surprisingly little accusation.
Kara nodded quietly, tears glistening in her eyes. “I was afraid to watch her.”
“We can change that.” They didn't seem to have moved, but suddenly they were in her mother's bedroom. Socrata was near death, surrounded by school records, art projects, papers and cards - Kara's own written legacy.
Her heart opened a little at the sight, and when she spoke her awe expressed itself freely. “You kept all this?” She didn't expect her mother to hear her, but wasn't surprised when she heard the response.
“Always,” the older woman's words were soft, maybe even gentle.
“I don't know if I can do that thing you were trying to prepare me for, Mom.” She walked to stand next to her mother's bed, to hold the withered hand, trying desperately to draw strength from the one person whose love she should never have had a reason to doubt.
“Yes, you can,” there was no derision in that familiar voice.
“How do you know?” Kara's voice cracked with emotion.
“Because you're my daughter,” the words whispered through dying lips. Kara let her tears fall freely, her heart breaking for this woman who had caused her so much pain. She didn't know if she could ever forgive her mother, but she knew that she couldn't stop loving her.
“There's nothing so terrible about love. When you face it, it's beautiful. You are special, Kara, and God loves you. You're free, now.” The voice was calm and filled with peace.
Kara looked at him, the beginnings of understanding dawning, emotions hovering on the verge of terror and fury but unable to grasp anything beyond peace. “You're not Leoben.”
Leoben's face smiled gently at her. “Never said I was.”
﴿﴾
Ellen thought back to the premonition she'd had as she'd grabbed the map from her husband the day before. She was certain that the information she'd given the Cylons would be traced back to her. Tears streamed down her face as she wrote a note to him, then poured herself a drink. She hated the idea of dying alone, but her vision had left her confident that she'd feel Saul's arms around her again. She found a jagged sort of peace in that knowledge as she emptied her cup and lay down.
﴿﴾
Saul had just finished debriefing Cally and Laura on their rescue, and the Cylons' failed mass assassinations, when Sam walked into the tent. He carried an air of aggravation about him that put Saul's back up. “Fine soldier you make,” he muttered, then turned to burn the notes he'd just made.
“Saul,” Sam started and then paused. “Saul, we went to your tent to find Ellen. We were going to charge her with treason. No one else could have known about our rendez-vous point, but there were Cylon guns there.” He stopped again, as if he didn't know how to continue. “We found this.”
Saul grabbed roughly at the note Sam shoved in his face. He scowled at Sam for daring to think his wife was a traitor. Then he read the familiar, flowing script of his Ellen's handwriting:
Dear Saul,
Please, you have to forgive me for the choices I've made. You have to understand. I need you to know that everything I've done has always been for you, to make sure that you got absolutely everything that you deserve. You've always been there for me, no matter what I've done or what I've said or how I've hurt you. When they took you away from me and put you into that cage and tortured you, I couldn't see how I would survive if I lost you again. I went to the Cylons and found the leader, one of the Brother Cavil's, and I got him to notice me. It made me ill, but I slept with him, just so that he would release you, because I couldn't stand to think of how they were hurting you. But then, he threatened to kill you if I didn't give him something more, some information. I couldn't let you die, it would have killed me! I did it all for you, because I love you. I know we'll see each other again, Saul, I promise we will.
Yours always,
Ellen
Saul dropped the paper and ran to his own tent. When he saw her body, he fell to his knees, crying bitterly, whispering her name over and over, the only prayer he'd ever said in his life.
Go to Chapter 5
Author: ecstaticdance
Word Count: 40,000
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Lee/Kara
Warnings: Smut. Mysticism. Spoilers through Season 3 for part 1 (to be safe), ultimately through Daybreak.
Summary:All of this has happened before, now we're going to see it happen again. But the Lords of Kobol want to see if they can possibly change it, so key characters have retained the echoes of memories which cause them to make different decisions, or experience things at different times, than in previous cycles.
Notes: This is a completed story. But it's a monster. Somewhere 150,000 words (pre-editing). I'm posting Part 1 now. The rest will be posted... as it's available, probably.
Also (and more importantly) THANK YOU! To christ_chexx_4u for doing such a fabulous beta job for me. And many, many thanks to those of you who cheered me on and supported me from the very beginning of this story. You inspire me.
Finally, thank you to redsmirch for the beautiful painting. She's offered to create some more for me, which I'll post links to as it becomes available. The image included here is a point I'm driving toward, which... comes later in the story. So it probably won't make much sense next to what you're reading just yet. But it's beautiful and needs to be shared.
Artist: redsmirch
Link to Art: And the darkness behind her pearled and flushed
Return to Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Lee managed, just barely, to close his father's hatch without slamming it. He marched purposefully through the corridors of Galactica, toward the hanger deck, where his Raptor awaited his return, his face a careful mask of control. Inside, he was screaming her name, a mantra to keep her alive and safe until he could reach her. He had to reach her. He just couldn't see how, yet. Not with his father's command to stay behind and start searching for Earth.
He climbed into his Raptor and slammed the hatch down. “Son of a bitch,” he muttered under his breath, then strapped himself in, giving the terse command to return to the Pegasus as soon as they were cleared for take-off. His father never had been willing to listen to alternatives when he thought he knew the answer. Lee set his jaw and steeled himself. He'd gambled his pins before, and for much lower stakes.
﴿﴾
Ellen walked into the middle of their meeting. She knew they'd be planning something, and probably something important enough to get her off the hook with Cavil. Sam folded up a piece of paper as she entered the tent, then continued the thought her entrance had interrupted. The paper was handed to Saul, who added it to another sheet and started getting up to burn it.
“Let me!” She forced a smile as she grabbed the papers hastily from him, then walked over to the stove to warm her hands. Opening the stove, she separated the papers and tossed in one. The other, a map she held close while she loosened her coat enough to tuck it into an inner pocket.
Her hand paused halfway to its destination. Her breath caught in her throat. She saw herself pinned under rubble in a bright, dusty haze and holding Saul's hand. He was weeping and struggling to pull her out. “We'll see each other again, Saul,” she promised him. She felt in her heart that it was true. The scene shifted; the walls were suddenly dark and the light dim. She felt Saul's arms around her, felt sleep washing through her body. Then she felt a shock of air and water and confusion. She was naked, surrounded by Cylons, unafraid and strangely calm. Even when the Cavil showed up.
We'll see each other again. She clung to the thought and forced herself to believe everything would be alright, no matter what choice she made. But she also knew how fragile Saul could be. What she had to do would tear him apart, but letting him die would be worse. She quickly stuffed the map into her coat, then tightened her belt. For his sake, she would follow through.
﴿﴾
Kara had managed to find Doc Cottle and hand the antibiotics over to him before the Cylons had detained her. She remembered that much. She remembered the shock as she was pushed into a near reproduction of her old apartment. She remembered the first time he had come to visit her.
Since then, everything had blurred.
Kara couldn't tell the difference between waking and sleeping any more. It didn't matter what state she was in, or how many times she killed him. He kept coming to her. Over and over and over again. He taunted her, tempted her, reasoned with her, guided her. When she was asleep, he said nothing. When she was awake, she killed him.
She'd lost track of how many times and ways he'd died at her hands. Knives, forks, chopsticks, toilet parts; no sharp edges remained within her reach, because she'd used all of them to dispatch him at least once. And it was always the same Leoben that came back to her. She could kill his body, but she couldn't kill him. She could feel sanity slipping away from her, could feel that dark abyss opening in front of her and drawing nearer. Backing away from it seemed impossible, and reality kept slipping through her fingers like so much fine sand. All she wanted was for this to end.
At the moment, she was sitting in a chair in her supposed living room. His corpse lay in the middle of the floor, haunting her. The soul was supposed to go to the Gods when the body died. She jumped when she heard the door open, even though she'd known he would be back.
He sauntered down the stairs, cool and infuriatingly calm. On his face, he wore the same sly, superior grin he always wore. He'd won, again. He couldn't loose. Kara wanted to scream and run at him, tear his eyes out, anything. Instead, she sat still and silent, watching him. He paused at the bottom of the stairs and took in the scene, then sighed and shook his head.
“I'm trying to help you, Kara.” Ignoring his own corpse, he crouched down in front of her, close enough to place a hand on her knee if he wanted to. This time, he chose not to. “I only want you to see the truth of your life. The reason why you struggled and you suffered for so long. That's why God sent me to you, and that's why God wants us to be together.”
She knew it was his favorite game. Trick Kara Thrace into acknowledging her love for Leoben Conoy. She was relatively certain that she wouldn't cave to him this time. She thought she only bent to that particular whim of his in her dreams. Instead of responding, she closed her eyes, and pulled up a different memory. Piercing blue eyes, strong hands, a firm voice. Lee. She opened her eyes, calmer, and still said nothing.
Leoben seemed put out, as if she weren't acting the script the way she was supposed to. He stood up and walked toward the door, stopping next to his dead body. He looked over his shoulder and sneered, “I hope you enjoy spending the night with me.”
He left the door partially open when he walked out, and she followed him half a minute later, running up the stairs, hoping against hope. She ran out of her door, and turned into the locked gate. Panic won, and she grasped the bars with white knuckled hands. She shook the gate, screaming incoherently until the tears took over, and all she could do was sink down against the bars of her cage and let them fall.
﴿﴾
Leoben watched Kara sitting at her dining room table, nothing in front of her, waiting. He couldn't see her eyes, but her entire posture spoke so loudly of exhaustion and defeat that he didn't need to. It was time. He walked quietly up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders.
“Life means something to us, Kara, so I've decided to show you just how precious life can be. How, even in the worst of times, it can restore your faith.” He felt her stiffen under his hands and reached around to grasp her chin, turning her face toward his. He looked into her eyes for a moment, then turned and walked back up the stairs.
﴿﴾
Kara turned in her seat, looked up the stairs, waiting again. The night before had been filled with dreams of her mother's screaming, of Leoben ravishing her, of images and sounds that had vanished like mist in the morning sun and left behind nothing but panic and pain. When Leoben had entered the apartment, just moments ago, she'd been recovering from seeing her own, battered, childhood face. She hadn't felt this kind of primal fear since then, since those worst days of her mother's abuse. The realization was like a trigger, so she pushed the fear away, and turned it into anger. Anger kept you alive. Fear killed you. Two sides of the same coin, she heard her own words in a corner of her mind, and stifled those as well.
Her blood turned to ice when Leoben reappeared, her mind freeze-framing what she saw so that she analyzed each step as it happened. His feet, followed by his legs, then his waist. But it was the new, smaller legs entering the picture that shocked her. She stopped registering Leoben, and was consumed by the young child he carried.
“Who is that?” Her terrified whisper carried through the otherwise silent room.
“This is Kacey. Our daughter.” The pride in Leoben's voice was unmistakable. “We managed to save your ovary when you burned down the medical facility we'd been treating you in on Caprica.”
Kara shook her head as Leoben walked past her to put the girl down on the couch. “What are you doing?” She jumped up, frantic, “No, you can't leave her here. I don't want her, I never even liked babysitting!”
Leoben just smiled and walked back up the stairs. “Give it a night, Kara. Maybe you'll change your mind.”
﴿﴾
Sharon Agathon landed her Raptor half a klick from the designated rendez-vous coordinates. The details had been sparse, but accurate. Taking along a few marines for backup, she'd found the spot without trouble, then called out the agreed upon phrase. “Go Panthers!”
A tense moment followed as she waited for Sam's expected response. “C-bucks rule!”
Sharon allowed herself a deep breath and small smile as she headed toward Sam. They hugged, briefly and as she pulled back, she shook her head. “It's been a long time.” Seeing him felt, somehow, like meeting an old friend, though they'd spent little enough time together.
His returned smile was weary and sarcastic. “Funny, seems like I see you every day.”
She winced and sighed as they turned toward the shore, leaving her marines behind. She should have known she wouldn't be greeted with open ams and enthusiasm. Putting aside her own disappointment, she settled in with Sam's team to discuss the plan that had been developed for getting her into and around the settlement on New Caprica. Halfway through the briefing, a crackle in the distant underbrush caught their attention. It was all the warning they got before Centurion bullets started to splash down around them. They managed to escape with only two casualties. She'd have to wait until she returned to her Raptor to see how her marines had fared.
Night fell, and Sam filled Sharon in on the finer details, or at least precautions, of the New Caprica end of her operation as they walked back toward the settlement, continuing as she changed into the civilian outfit that had been scrounged up for her. She left the tent and traveled quickly and carefully through the human settlement. Her destination was guarded solely by centurion model Cylons. This meant she should be able to walk in, get the codes she was after, and be gone before anyone was any the wiser.
She found the building she needed, and entered unchallenged. Accessing the proper vault and drawer numbers went equally smoothly. She pulled out the Colonial launch keys, turned and froze.
“You!” D'Anna's shock cost her enough time to allow Sharon to pull her weapon out and train it on the other Cylon.
“I'm not going to kill you, but I'm not going to let you stop me, either.” Sharon's heart raced, but her voice was steady and unconflicted.
“Why? Why do you want to stay with them?” She knew D'Anna was looking for any crack in her resolve.
“I gave my word, made my choice. I'm a colonial officer, now.” She'd offer none.
“But why that choice?” D'Anna persisted.
Sharon thought for a moment, her heart in her throat and a steady parade of the humans she cared about in her mind. When she finally spoke, her answer was simple. “For love,” she said.
“And what do you know about love?” D'Anna's voice was thick with disbelief, but her eyes filled with a completely unexpected longing.
That it tears you apart, she thought to herself, and then recreates you. That it will destroy you in the process of making you whole. Examples flashed through her head until, finally, she spoke. “I know that love will make you forgive things you never thought forgivable, and allow you to kill those you never expected to kill.” Sharon calmly took aim and shot both of D'Anna's feet. Then she returned, hands shaking, as quickly and directly as she dared, to the tent where she'd last seen Sam.
﴿﴾
Lee paced the floor in his quarters, trying to ignore Dee's recitation of all the requests being made of him now that he had officially been assigned the command of the Fleet. He needed to decide which crew members he could trust enough to bring with him, and which to leave guarding the remaining civilians. He grunted noncommittally when she seemed to pause for an answer.
“Permission to speak freely, sir.”
Lee blinked, stopped pacing and turned to face his communications officer. He was skeptical, but decided to hear her out. “Granted.”
Dee hesitated before jumping in. “Lee, your father gave you command of this Fleet because he believes in you. He believes that you can bring the rest of us to Earth.” She paused, as if searching for the right words.
Lee stepped into the void, “Is that so? Do you believe that?” When she nodded, he asked, “Why?”
Her answer was simple. “Because you're an Adama.”
“Yeah. Because I'm an Adama.” He grimaced, looking past her, and then nodded. Bitterness over the expectations that came with that name flooded through him. He would be the good soldier. He would put orders and chain-of-command ahead of his heart. He would do the right thing and make everything appear to work out, because he was an Adama. He had neither the energy nor the patience for the patronizing dribble that would follow if he engaged Dualla on the topic. “Advise the Fleet's captains that they will be waiting at the rendez-vous coordinates until the 18 hours designated by Admiral Adama have passed. Further discussion of our path will resume at that time. You're dismissed, Lt. Dualla.”
He waited until the door had closed behind Dee to call in his CAG. He would inform the Fleet's captains, personally, that the Pegasus would not be staying behind with the Vipers standing guard over them. His father may have accepted a one-way mission to die trying to save the humans on New Caprica, but Lee couldn't accept the possibility of not seeing Kara again, and he couldn't just let his last surviving family die. He was an Adama, after all, and he'd be damned if he was going to stand back and do nothing. Picking up his phone, he started calling officers and soldiers to his quarters.
﴿﴾
Kara paced back and forth. The kid was driving her nuts. Bouncing all over the couch, running around instead of staying put while she tried to figure out how she was going to cope with this new burden. She stopped, suddenly, as the little girl danced in front of her. Lee wanted one of these? Shaking her head, she picked the girl up and placed her back on the couch with a firm order to stay put.
She practically ran to the bathroom and closed the door, her breath short. Deep breaths, Kara, deep breaths. She was just starting to calm down when she heard the high pitched squeal, followed by a dull thump and absolute silence.
Terrified beyond what little reason or logic remained to her, Kara rushed back out into the apartment, and called the child's name, “Kacey? Kacey!” She turned and froze as she saw the small body crumpled in a pool of blood at the foot of the stairs.
What followed would forever after linger in her memory as a haze of personal guilt and fury with her mother. Her concern for the tiny figure lying so still beneath the sheets pushed all her other worries aside, and pulled up a storm of emotions and resentments she had thought she'd left far behind her. Socrata Thrace, Kara was sure, would not have spent the day hovering at her daughter's bedside, wondering whether or not the girl would wake up. She would simply have gone about her business, then berated Kara for taking so long deciding to either die or live. Kara was not her mother, and despite all her bluster to the contrary before Kacey's accident, she couldn't imagine spending her own time anywhere other than at the child's bedside while she was suffering. She berated herself for not remaining vigilant, for not caring when it would have mattered.
Kacey had woken up before night had fallen. Kara was vaguely concerned that she might have misled Leoben when she'd instinctively reached out to the body next to hers as Kacey's eyes had opened. It didn't matter. She almost understood where Lee's comment those many months before had come from, his admission that he'd considered the possibility of children and a quiet home. The new understanding she'd gained frightened her as much or more than the Cylon's refusal to stay dead. Between that realization and a day of swimming through memories of her mother, she should have expected the dreams.
﴿﴾
Leoben stood next to her as she watched a younger version of herself, dressed in a fresh, crisp officer's uniform, walk into her mother's home. The expression on her face was composed of equal parts excitement and trepidation.
Leoben's voice sounded muffled, rising through her memory. You confused the messenger with the message. Your mother was trying to teach you something else.
“So you made officer. Says here you're the best natural pilot they've ever seen.” Socrata paused and looked up at the younger Kara. “So why did you place 16th in your class?”
“16 out of 117--” She watched herself trying to will her mother to be proud of her.
“That's not good enough!” The older woman shouted.
Young Kara's back went up, “I'm sorry you never made officer, Mom, really I am, but I can't make up for that.” Kara winced, watching the scene. She'd known all of her mother's buttons, and exactly how to push them. She'd pushed them purposely, trying to force the reminder.
The only destiny I have is as a world-class frak up who hurts everyone she cares about. I was born to suffer. I'm bad luck, a cancer that needs to be removed. Kara shook her head to clear her thoughts.
“'Cause you're a quitter.” Socrata's quiet disdain still cut like a knife, and the old ounds on her heart felt new again. As did the bitterness that filled the conversation they'd shared immediately after, as Kara learned her mother was dying of cancer. She watched herself promise to not return, then run out the door, slamming it behind her.
“Your mother died alone, 5 weeks later.” Leoben's voice held surprisingly little accusation.
Kara nodded quietly, tears glistening in her eyes. “I was afraid to watch her.”
“We can change that.” They didn't seem to have moved, but suddenly they were in her mother's bedroom. Socrata was near death, surrounded by school records, art projects, papers and cards - Kara's own written legacy.
Her heart opened a little at the sight, and when she spoke her awe expressed itself freely. “You kept all this?” She didn't expect her mother to hear her, but wasn't surprised when she heard the response.
“Always,” the older woman's words were soft, maybe even gentle.
“I don't know if I can do that thing you were trying to prepare me for, Mom.” She walked to stand next to her mother's bed, to hold the withered hand, trying desperately to draw strength from the one person whose love she should never have had a reason to doubt.
“Yes, you can,” there was no derision in that familiar voice.
“How do you know?” Kara's voice cracked with emotion.
“Because you're my daughter,” the words whispered through dying lips. Kara let her tears fall freely, her heart breaking for this woman who had caused her so much pain. She didn't know if she could ever forgive her mother, but she knew that she couldn't stop loving her.
“There's nothing so terrible about love. When you face it, it's beautiful. You are special, Kara, and God loves you. You're free, now.” The voice was calm and filled with peace.
Kara looked at him, the beginnings of understanding dawning, emotions hovering on the verge of terror and fury but unable to grasp anything beyond peace. “You're not Leoben.”
Leoben's face smiled gently at her. “Never said I was.”
﴿﴾
Ellen thought back to the premonition she'd had as she'd grabbed the map from her husband the day before. She was certain that the information she'd given the Cylons would be traced back to her. Tears streamed down her face as she wrote a note to him, then poured herself a drink. She hated the idea of dying alone, but her vision had left her confident that she'd feel Saul's arms around her again. She found a jagged sort of peace in that knowledge as she emptied her cup and lay down.
﴿﴾
Saul had just finished debriefing Cally and Laura on their rescue, and the Cylons' failed mass assassinations, when Sam walked into the tent. He carried an air of aggravation about him that put Saul's back up. “Fine soldier you make,” he muttered, then turned to burn the notes he'd just made.
“Saul,” Sam started and then paused. “Saul, we went to your tent to find Ellen. We were going to charge her with treason. No one else could have known about our rendez-vous point, but there were Cylon guns there.” He stopped again, as if he didn't know how to continue. “We found this.”
Saul grabbed roughly at the note Sam shoved in his face. He scowled at Sam for daring to think his wife was a traitor. Then he read the familiar, flowing script of his Ellen's handwriting:
Dear Saul,
Please, you have to forgive me for the choices I've made. You have to understand. I need you to know that everything I've done has always been for you, to make sure that you got absolutely everything that you deserve. You've always been there for me, no matter what I've done or what I've said or how I've hurt you. When they took you away from me and put you into that cage and tortured you, I couldn't see how I would survive if I lost you again. I went to the Cylons and found the leader, one of the Brother Cavil's, and I got him to notice me. It made me ill, but I slept with him, just so that he would release you, because I couldn't stand to think of how they were hurting you. But then, he threatened to kill you if I didn't give him something more, some information. I couldn't let you die, it would have killed me! I did it all for you, because I love you. I know we'll see each other again, Saul, I promise we will.
Yours always,
Ellen
Saul dropped the paper and ran to his own tent. When he saw her body, he fell to his knees, crying bitterly, whispering her name over and over, the only prayer he'd ever said in his life.
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