Fic: Tangled and Dark (GH, Robin)
Title: Tangled and Dark
Author: empressearwig
Rating: G
Disclaimer: If I owned GH or its characters, I would actually be able to watch the show. Alas, I can’t.
Spoilers: Vague ones for what happens this week. Otherwise, just what has currently has aired.
Author's Notes: Thanks to normative_jean for making this better.
Gonna get into it
Down where it's tangled and dark
Way on into it, Baby
Down where your fears are parked.
Gonna tell the truth about it,
Honey that's the hardest part.
When we get through it, baby
You're gonna give up your heart.
~ Bonnie Raitt, Tangled and Dark
You never meant to lie to Patrick.
Whatever else the two of you had, you always told each other the truth. No matter if a lie would have been kinder, safer; the two of you valued the truth.
And a lie of this kind, especially with your past, was never your intention.
But you lied.
Somehow you have to figure out what to do with that.
*
When Kelly first told you about the baby, you didn’t know what to think or feel.
It was one thing to want a child, to know the statistics, to be willing to take a calculated risk with a child’s life in the abstract. But the instant it became real, so too did the risks, and you’re suddenly overwhelmed with terror because of what your disease could do to this child that you already love so fiercely.
You instantly want Patrick.
You want him to reassure you in the same way you did for him during his HIV scare. You want him to hold you, to tell you everything is going to be alright, that the baby will be alright.
But you’re scared for him, too.
Besides hurting the baby, you could have hurt Patrick. The two people you love most in the world, and you’re helpless to protect them from yourself.
You know you have to tell him immediately. Before Kelly’s even done talking to you, you know you have to make sure he’s safe, that you haven’t hurt him.
When you overhear him telling Leo that he knew the condom broke, that he kept it from you to keep some “drama” out of your lives, you’re stunned.
The Patrick that you know, the Patrick that you still love, could not, would not, be so cavalier with your health.
The news that he’s been tested and is fine is enough to send you away, reeling. You need time to think about what to do next.
You still mean to tell him, though.
*
When you’re forced to tell everyone, and Cassius makes the assumption that it’s Patrick’s baby, you don’t mean to have the lie come tumbling out.
But then, you didn’t expect the terror and denial you saw in Patrick’s eyes, either. He’s a world-class mind, and surely he should be able to draw the connection between a broken condom and your sudden pregnancy.
It’s that look that has the lie tumbling off your lips.
The palpable relief when he hears your denial is like a slap in the face.
You press your hand protectively over your stomach, and wish things were different.
*
Even after you lie for the first time, you still mean to tell Patrick eventually.
He is the baby’s father, he has a right to know. You believe that absolutely.
But as you watch him compete with Ian for nurses’ phone numbers, as you watch him continue to sleep with Leyla under your nose, you start to wonder if maybe you inadvertently did the right thing.
You know what it’s like to be rejected by your parents, even better than he does. Sure, your mother might not have meant to abandon you the first time, but since she came back into your life, she’s always chosen her life of adventure over you. Your father may have stayed dead to keep you safe, but even after the threat had passed he chose to stay that way. He chose to stay out of your life even after being forced to reveal he’d been alive all along.
You never want your child, the one that was conceived out of the deepest love you’ve ever felt, to feel anything less.
It’s a rationalization, but it makes the lie a little easier.
*
Patrick confuses you, though.
Sometimes he acts like he knows, but the next moment he’s back to seeming oblivious. One moment he’ll be defending you against Ian’s insults, and the next he’ll be avoiding you.
He does incredibly sweet things, like bring you flowers for Valentine’s Day, and you can literally feel yourself ache to tell him the truth.
But you also worry now about what the truth will do to your fragile relationship. He may have lied too, but you’re not sure the lies are of the same magnitude. And even if they are, would that matter?
His trust in you had been so complete that he’d accepted your lie without hesitation, and with a few words, you’ve given him reason to never trust you again.
You wonder somehow if the weight of the guilt you carry isn’t karmic payback for outing the lies Carly told as easily as she breathed.
You don’t want to lie, but you don’t know how to tell the truth, either.
*
One afternoon, Patrick corners you in the locker room and asks outright if he’s the baby’s father.
You stare at him, aghast. Your mind races a mile a minute. Every thought and feeling that you’ve experienced since you told the lie wells up inside you, and all you can do is say what you’ve always meant to.
You look him in the eye and say, “Yes.”
Author: empressearwig
Rating: G
Disclaimer: If I owned GH or its characters, I would actually be able to watch the show. Alas, I can’t.
Spoilers: Vague ones for what happens this week. Otherwise, just what has currently has aired.
Author's Notes: Thanks to normative_jean for making this better.
Gonna get into it
Down where it's tangled and dark
Way on into it, Baby
Down where your fears are parked.
Gonna tell the truth about it,
Honey that's the hardest part.
When we get through it, baby
You're gonna give up your heart.
~ Bonnie Raitt, Tangled and Dark
You never meant to lie to Patrick.
Whatever else the two of you had, you always told each other the truth. No matter if a lie would have been kinder, safer; the two of you valued the truth.
And a lie of this kind, especially with your past, was never your intention.
But you lied.
Somehow you have to figure out what to do with that.
*
When Kelly first told you about the baby, you didn’t know what to think or feel.
It was one thing to want a child, to know the statistics, to be willing to take a calculated risk with a child’s life in the abstract. But the instant it became real, so too did the risks, and you’re suddenly overwhelmed with terror because of what your disease could do to this child that you already love so fiercely.
You instantly want Patrick.
You want him to reassure you in the same way you did for him during his HIV scare. You want him to hold you, to tell you everything is going to be alright, that the baby will be alright.
But you’re scared for him, too.
Besides hurting the baby, you could have hurt Patrick. The two people you love most in the world, and you’re helpless to protect them from yourself.
You know you have to tell him immediately. Before Kelly’s even done talking to you, you know you have to make sure he’s safe, that you haven’t hurt him.
When you overhear him telling Leo that he knew the condom broke, that he kept it from you to keep some “drama” out of your lives, you’re stunned.
The Patrick that you know, the Patrick that you still love, could not, would not, be so cavalier with your health.
The news that he’s been tested and is fine is enough to send you away, reeling. You need time to think about what to do next.
You still mean to tell him, though.
*
When you’re forced to tell everyone, and Cassius makes the assumption that it’s Patrick’s baby, you don’t mean to have the lie come tumbling out.
But then, you didn’t expect the terror and denial you saw in Patrick’s eyes, either. He’s a world-class mind, and surely he should be able to draw the connection between a broken condom and your sudden pregnancy.
It’s that look that has the lie tumbling off your lips.
The palpable relief when he hears your denial is like a slap in the face.
You press your hand protectively over your stomach, and wish things were different.
*
Even after you lie for the first time, you still mean to tell Patrick eventually.
He is the baby’s father, he has a right to know. You believe that absolutely.
But as you watch him compete with Ian for nurses’ phone numbers, as you watch him continue to sleep with Leyla under your nose, you start to wonder if maybe you inadvertently did the right thing.
You know what it’s like to be rejected by your parents, even better than he does. Sure, your mother might not have meant to abandon you the first time, but since she came back into your life, she’s always chosen her life of adventure over you. Your father may have stayed dead to keep you safe, but even after the threat had passed he chose to stay that way. He chose to stay out of your life even after being forced to reveal he’d been alive all along.
You never want your child, the one that was conceived out of the deepest love you’ve ever felt, to feel anything less.
It’s a rationalization, but it makes the lie a little easier.
*
Patrick confuses you, though.
Sometimes he acts like he knows, but the next moment he’s back to seeming oblivious. One moment he’ll be defending you against Ian’s insults, and the next he’ll be avoiding you.
He does incredibly sweet things, like bring you flowers for Valentine’s Day, and you can literally feel yourself ache to tell him the truth.
But you also worry now about what the truth will do to your fragile relationship. He may have lied too, but you’re not sure the lies are of the same magnitude. And even if they are, would that matter?
His trust in you had been so complete that he’d accepted your lie without hesitation, and with a few words, you’ve given him reason to never trust you again.
You wonder somehow if the weight of the guilt you carry isn’t karmic payback for outing the lies Carly told as easily as she breathed.
You don’t want to lie, but you don’t know how to tell the truth, either.
*
One afternoon, Patrick corners you in the locker room and asks outright if he’s the baby’s father.
You stare at him, aghast. Your mind races a mile a minute. Every thought and feeling that you’ve experienced since you told the lie wells up inside you, and all you can do is say what you’ve always meant to.
You look him in the eye and say, “Yes.”