I will never get better because I am unwilling to let go entirely. I will purge on and off again like I do when I'm "better" now. I will starve sometimes. I will over-exercise. I will cope.
I always tell myself, "I'll be recovered in ten years! No more of this bullshit." But having learned to purge very successfully and without causing any suspicion, I have the sinking feeling that even a decade down the road, whenever I gain weight I will start purging again.
I've "recovered," and I still purge. I still binge occasionally. I still restrict. (Am I really recovered at all? My current attempt at recovery isn't authentic, so why should I think ten more years will make a difference?)
Overall, I just don't think I can ever not be obsessed with food. It will always be there, even if just in some small way.
I feel kind of torn on this, and it's actually something I've been thinking about lately. On the one hand, I don't want to be unrealistic and say that I'll be "totally normal" one day, but on the other side of that, I've been working really hard in recovery lately and feel that maybe it might be possible. I had an epiphany the other night: I was about to binge, and as I was starting, I actually said out loud, "I don't want to do this"- and just like that, threw away the food and went back into my room. I want to believe that after years of having my eating disorder in charge, I'm finally starting to take control of my own life and not blaming everything that goes wrong on it. So, in 10 years, I don't know where I'll be, but I feel that if I continue in the pattern I am, I'll have a pretty good semblance of being "normal".
-Yes, I think that I am moving toward anorexia. -I don't think that I will be recovered, and I'm not sure if I want to be at this point. -I don't think that my hatred and subsequent fear of being fat or full will ever go away. -Unhappy. I don't think that I will be happy in 10 years.
Comments 13
Reply
I've "recovered," and I still purge. I still binge occasionally. I still restrict. (Am I really recovered at all? My current attempt at recovery isn't authentic, so why should I think ten more years will make a difference?)
Overall, I just don't think I can ever not be obsessed with food. It will always be there, even if just in some small way.
Reply
On the one hand, I don't want to be unrealistic and say that I'll be "totally normal" one day, but on the other side of that, I've been working really hard in recovery lately and feel that maybe it might be possible. I had an epiphany the other night: I was about to binge, and as I was starting, I actually said out loud, "I don't want to do this"- and just like that, threw away the food and went back into my room. I want to believe that after years of having my eating disorder in charge, I'm finally starting to take control of my own life and not blaming everything that goes wrong on it.
So, in 10 years, I don't know where I'll be, but I feel that if I continue in the pattern I am, I'll have a pretty good semblance of being "normal".
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
I'm surprised I've made it to age 21.
Reply
-I don't think that I will be recovered, and I'm not sure if I want to be at this point.
-I don't think that my hatred and subsequent fear of being fat or full will ever go away.
-Unhappy. I don't think that I will be happy in 10 years.
Reply
Leave a comment