Star Trek Reverse Bang Fic Part 1
Title: Unneeded Ritual
Author: Dysnomia
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Bones/Kirk
Word Count: ~ 13,000
Warnings: angst, language, mentions of torture, more porn then actual plot.
Summary: Jim has started a tradition of using the shower in Sickbay after away missions gone wrong. Bones finally catches on, and is determined to stop the ritual.
Leonard McCoy was tired, which really he figured he should be used to by now. After med school, Jocelyn and Joanna, and his practice, not to mention life at the Academy with Jim Kirk, long days and even longer nights were a given. He had however, spent both Alpha and Beta shifts on duty in Sickbay, the away mission earlier in the day had been a disaster, and the majority of the away team had needed to be treated for injuries. He had now spent most of Gamma shift in the lab as well. The long hours in Sickbay hadn't bothered him, but the last five hours in the lab had been spent watching nearly self sufficient but still delicate experiments. Doing nothing but staring at the specimens had made boredom set in, and the inactivity was what had worn him down, had him yawning a little too frequently.
He was perched on a stool, foot curled around one of the legs, the other foot dangling in the air. He was leaning on the desk with his head propped up on one hand. Which, judging by how often lately he's been having to blink himself back awake, was probably not the wisest of positions. Thankfully, the computer chirped then, to let Leonard know everything was finished. Stifling yet another yawn, Leonard pushed himself to his feet, needing to check the results. Just how tired he was became apparent when the readouts on the computer screen swam before his eyes, and he had to blink rapidly to get them back into focus.
He felt a rush of satisfaction as the positive numbers registered with his sleepy brain. Everything was progressing even better then he'd anticipated, and it looked like the the numbers were only going to improve. He'd told M'Benga that it would work, and the man had dared to doubt him. Leonard set the next batch of parameters into the computer, with high hopes for even greater success. Luckily this next group of experiments could be done unobserved, so he'd be able to get some sleep.
Leonard made his way through the lab back to what should have been a Sickbay empty except for Christine Chapel. Except that wasn't what he found when the doors swished open. Who he found instead, was a Jim Kirk coming from the back of the room, freezing in place when he spotted Leonard. There was only one thing that the other man could have been doing back there, there was only one piece of equipment back there. Leonard wasn't sure how long Jim had been abusing the shower in Sickbay, but judging by the guilty expression coupled with the caught in the headlights look, this wasn't the first time. “What the hell do you think you're doing?”
Blue eyes widened in false innocence. Something else flashing quickly through those eyes, too quick for Leonard to catch. “I wasn't doing anything Bones.”
Leonard raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Why do I not believe that at all?”
“Because you have no trust in people?” Jim's response sounded like more of a question then a statement.
“Well yes, but I think it has more to do with the fact that a Jim Kirk skulking around Sickbay during Gamma shift has to be up to something.”
“Can't I just be wandering around the ship?”
“There's a few things wrong with that theory Jim. First, that while I can believe the idea of you wandering the ship, I can count on one hand the number of times I've voluntarily seen you enter Sickbay.”
Jim cut in then, “Maybe I was looking for you.”
Leonard continued like Jim hadn't even spoken, starting to tick off his points on his fingers. “Second, you seemed too surprised to see me to have actually been looking for me. Third, and probably most damning of evidence is your still shower damp hair.”
Jim's hand flew to his head, running over the water darkened blonde hair. A sheepish grin crossed his face when he realized he was caught. “But it's water, Bones.”
He rolled his eyes, knowing Jim figured that was all the explanation that was needed. “Dammit Jim, that's the decontamination shower. You know, for actual emergencies, not just for your personal use.”
The pout came out then, but luckily Bones had over three years experience at trying to ignore the effects of that tempting bottom lip. “I miss having a shower with hot water.” There was a definite whine etched into those words. “I don't like the sonics, I never trust that I'm clean.”
“There's nothing wrong with the sonics, they do the job just the same. I don't want to see you in here again, or next time I'm going to steal your clothes.” All he got in response was a smirk, so shaking his head he continued. “Now get out of here and get some sleep, since I know you have Alpha shift in another couple of hours.”
Jim wasted no time in getting out of Sickbay then, grateful he was able to avoid a full blown rant from the Doctor. He breezed out the door with a quick, “Night Bones.” and then he was gone.
Sighing in exasperation, Leonard turned and ventured into the main area of Sickbay, in search of his suspiciously absent head nurse. Gazing around, Leonard called out, “Chapel? Where are you hiding?”
Her light voice rang out from the other side of the room. “I'm in the storage room Doctor McCoy.”
Her blonde head poked around the corner, smiling when she caught sight of him. “Why haven't you gone off to bed yet?” It was a gentle admonishment that colored her words.
Ignoring her question, he asked one of his own instead. “Are you aware that the Captain has been using the decom shower for his personal use?”
She avoided his eyes, biting into her bottom lip and chewing thoughtfully. Leonard took her silence as an affirmative, and automatically started to complain. “Christine, just because he's the Captain doesn't mean you can let Kirk sweet talk you into letting him do whatever he wants.
She huffed in annoyance, head cocked to the side, which meant that somehow Leonard had screwed up. The tilted head and huff only appeared when he was being an ass, and normally unjustly. Wondering what important bit of information he was missing now, he simply arched an eyebrow expectantly, waiting for her explanation. “Do you even have any idea why he uses the shower?”
He had a feeling that this was a more important question then it seemed, that whatever he answered was either going to please her, or annoy her further. “I don't know. Before five minutes ago I didn't even know he'd used it before.”
Christine's lips twisted in unhappiness, but she didn't share whatever unpleasant thoughts she was currently entertaining about him. “He's used it a few times over the last few months. Always late at night, and never when you're around. The Captain's always very careful to ensure that you are absent from Sickbay. I'd caught him he first time he'd tried it, and after a lot of cajoling and finally threatening to tell you, I managed to get the reason out of him.”
Christine paused then. Watching him intently, and Leonard knew she was hoping he'd put it together himself, that she wouldn't have to betray Jim's confidence. He just shook his head, still completely lost. After all the time he's known Jim, Leonard still couldn't come close to claiming he knew how Jim's genius brain worked. “You're gonna have to help me out here Christine.”
She looked disappointed for a brief moment before schooling her features back into something resembling neutral. “Come on Leonard. How could the Captain have been all but guaranteed that he wouldn't have run into you tonight?”
“Because I was already here for almost eighteen hours.” This wasn't telling him what he needed to know, he wasn't sure why Christine was taking him in circles. “Just get to the point already.”
She sighed, her patience nearing its end. “I'm already at the point Leonard, you're just not getting it. What did you spend most of those eighteen hours doing?”
Everything clicked into place then, and Leonard could have hit himself for how obvious it seemed. He had to talk it out though, hoping he was wrong, hoping he hadn't missed something so obvious involving his best friend. “Surgery. The away team today, and those two Ensigns.”
Christine nodded slowly, encouragingly. “He does this every time there's serious injuries to the crew, doesn't he?”
The blonde shook her head in the negative. “You're almost right Leonard. It always happens after an away mission, but only the ones that the Captain has been planet side for. And always when he's not the one injured. When he comes back healthy and someone else doesn't, the shower is his ritual. If he's been hurt, then I don't see him after he's been released from Sickbay.”
Guilt was starting to eat at Leonard now. He didn't understand how he could have missed Jim beating himself up so badly after away missions gone wrong. He knew Jim had taken it personally whenever someone got hurt, and Leonard supposed that the shower is his way of trying to wash away, to purge, all those negative emotions. Leonard wasn't sure how long he stood there, still as a statue and just as silent, before Christine's hand landed on his arm. The gentle touch startled him back into awareness. Christine's face was sympathetic and her voice soft as she murmured. “Go get some rest Leonard. Try not to think too much about what you've found out tonight. You didn't know because Jim didn't want you to know. He thinks the world of you, you know, and didn't want you to think badly of him.”
I wouldn't-” His vehement denial was immediately cut off.
“I know you wouldn't and I'm sure the Captain knows that as well, subconsciously at the very least, but we both know he doesn't accept needing help from anyone. Now go, and I don't want to see you again until Beta Shift.”
He must have looked like he was going to protest further, because she scowled at him, turning him bodily around and pushing him towards the door. Just before he got to the doors, Christine called out. “And Leonard, if it ever comes up, I never said a word to you tonight.”
He nodded dumbly before leaving for his quarters. On the way to his own, just down the corridor, he found himself stopping in front of Jim's quarters. He almost entered the code to let himself in, had his hand hovering over the keypad, before letting his arm drop back down to his side. No, he wouldn't confront Jim about this, he'd let the damn fool continue to torture himself over his command decisions. For now anyway, although Leonard had already decided that he wasn't going to let this take place for much longer.
When he made it back to his quarters, and had collapsed into bed, sleep still didn't come easily to him. He kept picturing Jim's face during their encounter in Sickbay, kept second guessing himself, wondering if he should have been able to see past Jim's deception to see how distressed he must have actually been. He laid there, staring at the ceiling, accompanied by nothing but his thoughts, for long hours into Alpha shift before finally drifting off.
**
The second time Bones caught Jim using the shower was almost two months later. While on an away mission on an uncharted planet, Spock had stupidly thrown himself in front of Jim when the natives had proved less then friendly. His First Officer had taken the shot in his stead, had staggered into Jim after being hit with the old style projectile bullet. Looking at his hands, Jim could swear he could still see Spock's blood, the green staining his skin.
It was 03:00 hours, and as he snuck his way into Sickbay, he kept a careful eye out for Bones, but as he expected, the only one there at this time was Nurse Chapel. As soon as she spotted him she grabbed a PADD and headed off to the storage room. Jim hoped she knew just how much he appreciated the privacy she gave him every time he showed up. It had definitely been worth baring his soul the first night he'd come in search of the hot water.
Jim stripped down quickly, leaving his clothes in a pile near the shower, within easy reach of the door. The decontamination shower wasn't like a normal stall, it was built to accommodate multiple crew members at once, so it also had multiple shower heads. Thankfully, so he didn't waste more water then necessary, Jim could turn on only one or as many as he desired. One would be more then enough though, and he set the water to be as hot as he could stand it before stepping under the spray.
His eyes slid shut as the water washed over him, the close to scalding water reddening his skin almost right away. Jim stood there, arms braced against the wall as steam rose around him, and he bowed his head. He didn't move, didn't need to actually wash while in here, being dirty had little to do with what he did in here. Head still lowered, Jim opened his eyes, watching as the water swirled down the drain at his feet. He tried to allow his guilt to follow the same route, trying to let the water wash away the way it felt to have Spock injured in his place. For whatever reason, these showers were the easiest way for him to let go of that guilt that piled up with every decision he had to make as Captain. Able to let go of the feelings of unworthiness that plagued him every time one of his crew put his safety before their own.
Finally Jim shut off the water, unsure of exactly how long he'd stood there motionless. He grabbed the towel that was left on the back of the frosted glass doors. He didn't bother drying off his hair, he'd simply let it air dry. He dried off quickly, scrubbing himself roughly. Jim cracked open the door, groping outside for his clothes, unable to see through all the steam. He blinked as his hand failed to encounter any fabric, patting around to see if he'd put them further away then he had thought. When he still couldn't find anything, Jim knew what had happened, there was only one explanation for the missing clothing.
Jim sighed, wrapping the blue towel around his waist. He sighed deeply again, not in the mood to try and fool Bones into thinking he was fine. But then, what was a little more acting in front of his best friend. He had already spent every day of the past two or so years pretending he wasn't in love with the older man, so pretending to be okay and just obnoxious should be no problem. Taking a deep breath he exited the shower in a cloud of steam, carefree smirk plastered on his face.
Like he'd expected, Bones was leaning against the nearby wall, Jim's clothes however, were nowhere in sight. It looked like Bones was really going to make good on his threat from last time. Annoyance was written all over the Doctor's face, his entire posture screaming irritation. Jim allowed his smirk to widen, stretching his right arm above his head, daring to wink at the exasperated man.
Bones didn't explode into a rant though. Instead, he went stock still for the briefest moment, before his eyes squeezed shut and a hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Bones' reaction managed to startle an actual laugh out of Jim, something he didn't think he'd have been capable of at the moment. The sight of his best friend lightened his mood enough that Jim actually thought he'd be able to go through with this now. “I don't suppose you're going to give me back my clothes, are you Bones?”
“Dammit Jim, I warned you about using this shower again, so no, you won't be getting your clothes back.”
Jim shrugged one bare shoulder. “No big deal, if you remember I had to walk around campus naked that one time, so this is nothing. Not really much of a threat Bones, you have to be more creative, man.”
Bones scowled at him, flinging a hand out in the direction of the door. “Get out, and I don't want to catch you again or so help me I'll figure out a way to get the towel from you as well.”
“That doesn't sound so bad. “ His voice was teasing, light hearted.
“I'll make sure the water is freezing first, and ensure that early in your trip back to your quarters you run across Uhura while certain parts of you are still shrunken.”
Jim brought out the pout. “That's real harsh Bones. Truly the work of an evil genius.”
Bones shook his hand at the exit again. “Out, Jim!” He was starting to raise his voice, so Jim recognized that it was time to stop playing with the other man now, but he couldn't resist one last dig.
“I'm going, I'm going, no need to get your panties in a twist.”
He booked it out of there then, only staying in earshot long enough to hear another, “Dammit Jim!”
**
It was a few months later that Leonard once again found himself standing in front of Jim's door, readying himself to ring the chime. He wasn't going to even bother pretending to catch Jim in the shower again, since he didn't think this time would actually count and he wasn't about the take that chance. There was no way he was going to let Jim be alone right now, he needed someone right now, more then he has through this entire tour so far.
Leonard had to gather his courage before he could do this. It was still hard looking at Jim right now, all he kept seeing was the wreck that had been beamed back aboard with Chekov. Leonard couldn't even begin to imagine how awful things had been for them, during what had to have been an infinitely long three weeks. No one on board would be able to fully understand just how bad they'd had things compared to everyone back on the ship. What had been a hellish three weeks for Jim and Chekov, had merely been three days for the rest of them.
The initial survey of the planet hadn't yielded any information about the fact that time went by so much faster on the planet. Spock had come up with some theory about particles in the atmosphere reacting with the radiation of the nearby sun. Leonard didn't care about any scientific explanation the Hobgoblin could come up with. All Leonard had cared about was rushing the two of them to Sickbay once Scotty had figured out how to get the transporters to work through the surface of the planet to reach Jim and Chekov in the underground caves that they had been held captive in.
Leonard was positive that the moment both men had rematerialized in the transporter room he'd gone white as a ghost when he took in the state Jim was in. The blonde had been naked from the waist up, missing his boots, and simply drenched in blood. Whatever Leonard could see of Jim's skin, underneath all of the gore, was black and blue. Chekov was the complete opposite though, still fully clothed but paler then Leonard thought the kid capable of. He didn't look harmed at all, just exhausted. Both of them however, looked painfully malnourished, thin to the point that Leonard could guess they might have been fed only once a week, just enough so that they wouldn't die. Jim had always been slim, but now the light muscle definition he'd had was all but gone, and the word scrawny could now be almost kind when applied to him.
Once they'd been in Sickbay, M'Benga had looked over Chekov, but other then being extremely malnourished and dehydrated, then teen had been deemed healthy. Jim on the other hand, was going to take some work. The majority of the blood that covered him was dry, although there were still wounds that were seeping fresh blood. Jim's chest and abdomen had been covered in cuts, long slices that looked like they had been made by a knife. They must have started torturing him as soon as they got their hands on him, because a quick scan with a tri-corder told Leonard that some of the cuts were nearly three weeks old. He'd set to work with a regenerator right away, but he was already weeks late. Jim's body had already begun to heal the older of the marks, no now, no matter what he did, there would be a scar.
When he'd finished, and washed away the remaining blood staining Jim's once again pale flesh, there was still more then a dozen lines criss-crossing his torso. All the regenerator had been able to do was help finish the already started healing process, leaving the cuts as white in the majority and pink in a few, but they were scars none the less. Leonard hoped, that with time, most of them would fade, although he had the feeling about half would be permanent. The ones that had been deeper, that had cut jagged lines in Jim's flesh, would be the ones he would bear forever.
Leonard had to shake his head to dispel the awful memory of Jim laying so still and covered with so much blood. He would gladly put up with Jim never entering Sickbay again if it resulted in never seeing the blonde on one of his biobeds again. Taking a deep breath Leonard finally pressed the chime, waiting anxiously for Jim to answer. There was no reply for so long that Leonard almost pressed the chime again, but finally he heard Jim call out, “Come in.”
Part 2
Author: Dysnomia
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Bones/Kirk
Word Count: ~ 13,000
Warnings: angst, language, mentions of torture, more porn then actual plot.
Summary: Jim has started a tradition of using the shower in Sickbay after away missions gone wrong. Bones finally catches on, and is determined to stop the ritual.
Leonard McCoy was tired, which really he figured he should be used to by now. After med school, Jocelyn and Joanna, and his practice, not to mention life at the Academy with Jim Kirk, long days and even longer nights were a given. He had however, spent both Alpha and Beta shifts on duty in Sickbay, the away mission earlier in the day had been a disaster, and the majority of the away team had needed to be treated for injuries. He had now spent most of Gamma shift in the lab as well. The long hours in Sickbay hadn't bothered him, but the last five hours in the lab had been spent watching nearly self sufficient but still delicate experiments. Doing nothing but staring at the specimens had made boredom set in, and the inactivity was what had worn him down, had him yawning a little too frequently.
He was perched on a stool, foot curled around one of the legs, the other foot dangling in the air. He was leaning on the desk with his head propped up on one hand. Which, judging by how often lately he's been having to blink himself back awake, was probably not the wisest of positions. Thankfully, the computer chirped then, to let Leonard know everything was finished. Stifling yet another yawn, Leonard pushed himself to his feet, needing to check the results. Just how tired he was became apparent when the readouts on the computer screen swam before his eyes, and he had to blink rapidly to get them back into focus.
He felt a rush of satisfaction as the positive numbers registered with his sleepy brain. Everything was progressing even better then he'd anticipated, and it looked like the the numbers were only going to improve. He'd told M'Benga that it would work, and the man had dared to doubt him. Leonard set the next batch of parameters into the computer, with high hopes for even greater success. Luckily this next group of experiments could be done unobserved, so he'd be able to get some sleep.
Leonard made his way through the lab back to what should have been a Sickbay empty except for Christine Chapel. Except that wasn't what he found when the doors swished open. Who he found instead, was a Jim Kirk coming from the back of the room, freezing in place when he spotted Leonard. There was only one thing that the other man could have been doing back there, there was only one piece of equipment back there. Leonard wasn't sure how long Jim had been abusing the shower in Sickbay, but judging by the guilty expression coupled with the caught in the headlights look, this wasn't the first time. “What the hell do you think you're doing?”
Blue eyes widened in false innocence. Something else flashing quickly through those eyes, too quick for Leonard to catch. “I wasn't doing anything Bones.”
Leonard raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Why do I not believe that at all?”
“Because you have no trust in people?” Jim's response sounded like more of a question then a statement.
“Well yes, but I think it has more to do with the fact that a Jim Kirk skulking around Sickbay during Gamma shift has to be up to something.”
“Can't I just be wandering around the ship?”
“There's a few things wrong with that theory Jim. First, that while I can believe the idea of you wandering the ship, I can count on one hand the number of times I've voluntarily seen you enter Sickbay.”
Jim cut in then, “Maybe I was looking for you.”
Leonard continued like Jim hadn't even spoken, starting to tick off his points on his fingers. “Second, you seemed too surprised to see me to have actually been looking for me. Third, and probably most damning of evidence is your still shower damp hair.”
Jim's hand flew to his head, running over the water darkened blonde hair. A sheepish grin crossed his face when he realized he was caught. “But it's water, Bones.”
He rolled his eyes, knowing Jim figured that was all the explanation that was needed. “Dammit Jim, that's the decontamination shower. You know, for actual emergencies, not just for your personal use.”
The pout came out then, but luckily Bones had over three years experience at trying to ignore the effects of that tempting bottom lip. “I miss having a shower with hot water.” There was a definite whine etched into those words. “I don't like the sonics, I never trust that I'm clean.”
“There's nothing wrong with the sonics, they do the job just the same. I don't want to see you in here again, or next time I'm going to steal your clothes.” All he got in response was a smirk, so shaking his head he continued. “Now get out of here and get some sleep, since I know you have Alpha shift in another couple of hours.”
Jim wasted no time in getting out of Sickbay then, grateful he was able to avoid a full blown rant from the Doctor. He breezed out the door with a quick, “Night Bones.” and then he was gone.
Sighing in exasperation, Leonard turned and ventured into the main area of Sickbay, in search of his suspiciously absent head nurse. Gazing around, Leonard called out, “Chapel? Where are you hiding?”
Her light voice rang out from the other side of the room. “I'm in the storage room Doctor McCoy.”
Her blonde head poked around the corner, smiling when she caught sight of him. “Why haven't you gone off to bed yet?” It was a gentle admonishment that colored her words.
Ignoring her question, he asked one of his own instead. “Are you aware that the Captain has been using the decom shower for his personal use?”
She avoided his eyes, biting into her bottom lip and chewing thoughtfully. Leonard took her silence as an affirmative, and automatically started to complain. “Christine, just because he's the Captain doesn't mean you can let Kirk sweet talk you into letting him do whatever he wants.
She huffed in annoyance, head cocked to the side, which meant that somehow Leonard had screwed up. The tilted head and huff only appeared when he was being an ass, and normally unjustly. Wondering what important bit of information he was missing now, he simply arched an eyebrow expectantly, waiting for her explanation. “Do you even have any idea why he uses the shower?”
He had a feeling that this was a more important question then it seemed, that whatever he answered was either going to please her, or annoy her further. “I don't know. Before five minutes ago I didn't even know he'd used it before.”
Christine's lips twisted in unhappiness, but she didn't share whatever unpleasant thoughts she was currently entertaining about him. “He's used it a few times over the last few months. Always late at night, and never when you're around. The Captain's always very careful to ensure that you are absent from Sickbay. I'd caught him he first time he'd tried it, and after a lot of cajoling and finally threatening to tell you, I managed to get the reason out of him.”
Christine paused then. Watching him intently, and Leonard knew she was hoping he'd put it together himself, that she wouldn't have to betray Jim's confidence. He just shook his head, still completely lost. After all the time he's known Jim, Leonard still couldn't come close to claiming he knew how Jim's genius brain worked. “You're gonna have to help me out here Christine.”
She looked disappointed for a brief moment before schooling her features back into something resembling neutral. “Come on Leonard. How could the Captain have been all but guaranteed that he wouldn't have run into you tonight?”
“Because I was already here for almost eighteen hours.” This wasn't telling him what he needed to know, he wasn't sure why Christine was taking him in circles. “Just get to the point already.”
She sighed, her patience nearing its end. “I'm already at the point Leonard, you're just not getting it. What did you spend most of those eighteen hours doing?”
Everything clicked into place then, and Leonard could have hit himself for how obvious it seemed. He had to talk it out though, hoping he was wrong, hoping he hadn't missed something so obvious involving his best friend. “Surgery. The away team today, and those two Ensigns.”
Christine nodded slowly, encouragingly. “He does this every time there's serious injuries to the crew, doesn't he?”
The blonde shook her head in the negative. “You're almost right Leonard. It always happens after an away mission, but only the ones that the Captain has been planet side for. And always when he's not the one injured. When he comes back healthy and someone else doesn't, the shower is his ritual. If he's been hurt, then I don't see him after he's been released from Sickbay.”
Guilt was starting to eat at Leonard now. He didn't understand how he could have missed Jim beating himself up so badly after away missions gone wrong. He knew Jim had taken it personally whenever someone got hurt, and Leonard supposed that the shower is his way of trying to wash away, to purge, all those negative emotions. Leonard wasn't sure how long he stood there, still as a statue and just as silent, before Christine's hand landed on his arm. The gentle touch startled him back into awareness. Christine's face was sympathetic and her voice soft as she murmured. “Go get some rest Leonard. Try not to think too much about what you've found out tonight. You didn't know because Jim didn't want you to know. He thinks the world of you, you know, and didn't want you to think badly of him.”
I wouldn't-” His vehement denial was immediately cut off.
“I know you wouldn't and I'm sure the Captain knows that as well, subconsciously at the very least, but we both know he doesn't accept needing help from anyone. Now go, and I don't want to see you again until Beta Shift.”
He must have looked like he was going to protest further, because she scowled at him, turning him bodily around and pushing him towards the door. Just before he got to the doors, Christine called out. “And Leonard, if it ever comes up, I never said a word to you tonight.”
He nodded dumbly before leaving for his quarters. On the way to his own, just down the corridor, he found himself stopping in front of Jim's quarters. He almost entered the code to let himself in, had his hand hovering over the keypad, before letting his arm drop back down to his side. No, he wouldn't confront Jim about this, he'd let the damn fool continue to torture himself over his command decisions. For now anyway, although Leonard had already decided that he wasn't going to let this take place for much longer.
When he made it back to his quarters, and had collapsed into bed, sleep still didn't come easily to him. He kept picturing Jim's face during their encounter in Sickbay, kept second guessing himself, wondering if he should have been able to see past Jim's deception to see how distressed he must have actually been. He laid there, staring at the ceiling, accompanied by nothing but his thoughts, for long hours into Alpha shift before finally drifting off.
**
The second time Bones caught Jim using the shower was almost two months later. While on an away mission on an uncharted planet, Spock had stupidly thrown himself in front of Jim when the natives had proved less then friendly. His First Officer had taken the shot in his stead, had staggered into Jim after being hit with the old style projectile bullet. Looking at his hands, Jim could swear he could still see Spock's blood, the green staining his skin.
It was 03:00 hours, and as he snuck his way into Sickbay, he kept a careful eye out for Bones, but as he expected, the only one there at this time was Nurse Chapel. As soon as she spotted him she grabbed a PADD and headed off to the storage room. Jim hoped she knew just how much he appreciated the privacy she gave him every time he showed up. It had definitely been worth baring his soul the first night he'd come in search of the hot water.
Jim stripped down quickly, leaving his clothes in a pile near the shower, within easy reach of the door. The decontamination shower wasn't like a normal stall, it was built to accommodate multiple crew members at once, so it also had multiple shower heads. Thankfully, so he didn't waste more water then necessary, Jim could turn on only one or as many as he desired. One would be more then enough though, and he set the water to be as hot as he could stand it before stepping under the spray.
His eyes slid shut as the water washed over him, the close to scalding water reddening his skin almost right away. Jim stood there, arms braced against the wall as steam rose around him, and he bowed his head. He didn't move, didn't need to actually wash while in here, being dirty had little to do with what he did in here. Head still lowered, Jim opened his eyes, watching as the water swirled down the drain at his feet. He tried to allow his guilt to follow the same route, trying to let the water wash away the way it felt to have Spock injured in his place. For whatever reason, these showers were the easiest way for him to let go of that guilt that piled up with every decision he had to make as Captain. Able to let go of the feelings of unworthiness that plagued him every time one of his crew put his safety before their own.
Finally Jim shut off the water, unsure of exactly how long he'd stood there motionless. He grabbed the towel that was left on the back of the frosted glass doors. He didn't bother drying off his hair, he'd simply let it air dry. He dried off quickly, scrubbing himself roughly. Jim cracked open the door, groping outside for his clothes, unable to see through all the steam. He blinked as his hand failed to encounter any fabric, patting around to see if he'd put them further away then he had thought. When he still couldn't find anything, Jim knew what had happened, there was only one explanation for the missing clothing.
Jim sighed, wrapping the blue towel around his waist. He sighed deeply again, not in the mood to try and fool Bones into thinking he was fine. But then, what was a little more acting in front of his best friend. He had already spent every day of the past two or so years pretending he wasn't in love with the older man, so pretending to be okay and just obnoxious should be no problem. Taking a deep breath he exited the shower in a cloud of steam, carefree smirk plastered on his face.
Like he'd expected, Bones was leaning against the nearby wall, Jim's clothes however, were nowhere in sight. It looked like Bones was really going to make good on his threat from last time. Annoyance was written all over the Doctor's face, his entire posture screaming irritation. Jim allowed his smirk to widen, stretching his right arm above his head, daring to wink at the exasperated man.
Bones didn't explode into a rant though. Instead, he went stock still for the briefest moment, before his eyes squeezed shut and a hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Bones' reaction managed to startle an actual laugh out of Jim, something he didn't think he'd have been capable of at the moment. The sight of his best friend lightened his mood enough that Jim actually thought he'd be able to go through with this now. “I don't suppose you're going to give me back my clothes, are you Bones?”
“Dammit Jim, I warned you about using this shower again, so no, you won't be getting your clothes back.”
Jim shrugged one bare shoulder. “No big deal, if you remember I had to walk around campus naked that one time, so this is nothing. Not really much of a threat Bones, you have to be more creative, man.”
Bones scowled at him, flinging a hand out in the direction of the door. “Get out, and I don't want to catch you again or so help me I'll figure out a way to get the towel from you as well.”
“That doesn't sound so bad. “ His voice was teasing, light hearted.
“I'll make sure the water is freezing first, and ensure that early in your trip back to your quarters you run across Uhura while certain parts of you are still shrunken.”
Jim brought out the pout. “That's real harsh Bones. Truly the work of an evil genius.”
Bones shook his hand at the exit again. “Out, Jim!” He was starting to raise his voice, so Jim recognized that it was time to stop playing with the other man now, but he couldn't resist one last dig.
“I'm going, I'm going, no need to get your panties in a twist.”
He booked it out of there then, only staying in earshot long enough to hear another, “Dammit Jim!”
**
It was a few months later that Leonard once again found himself standing in front of Jim's door, readying himself to ring the chime. He wasn't going to even bother pretending to catch Jim in the shower again, since he didn't think this time would actually count and he wasn't about the take that chance. There was no way he was going to let Jim be alone right now, he needed someone right now, more then he has through this entire tour so far.
Leonard had to gather his courage before he could do this. It was still hard looking at Jim right now, all he kept seeing was the wreck that had been beamed back aboard with Chekov. Leonard couldn't even begin to imagine how awful things had been for them, during what had to have been an infinitely long three weeks. No one on board would be able to fully understand just how bad they'd had things compared to everyone back on the ship. What had been a hellish three weeks for Jim and Chekov, had merely been three days for the rest of them.
The initial survey of the planet hadn't yielded any information about the fact that time went by so much faster on the planet. Spock had come up with some theory about particles in the atmosphere reacting with the radiation of the nearby sun. Leonard didn't care about any scientific explanation the Hobgoblin could come up with. All Leonard had cared about was rushing the two of them to Sickbay once Scotty had figured out how to get the transporters to work through the surface of the planet to reach Jim and Chekov in the underground caves that they had been held captive in.
Leonard was positive that the moment both men had rematerialized in the transporter room he'd gone white as a ghost when he took in the state Jim was in. The blonde had been naked from the waist up, missing his boots, and simply drenched in blood. Whatever Leonard could see of Jim's skin, underneath all of the gore, was black and blue. Chekov was the complete opposite though, still fully clothed but paler then Leonard thought the kid capable of. He didn't look harmed at all, just exhausted. Both of them however, looked painfully malnourished, thin to the point that Leonard could guess they might have been fed only once a week, just enough so that they wouldn't die. Jim had always been slim, but now the light muscle definition he'd had was all but gone, and the word scrawny could now be almost kind when applied to him.
Once they'd been in Sickbay, M'Benga had looked over Chekov, but other then being extremely malnourished and dehydrated, then teen had been deemed healthy. Jim on the other hand, was going to take some work. The majority of the blood that covered him was dry, although there were still wounds that were seeping fresh blood. Jim's chest and abdomen had been covered in cuts, long slices that looked like they had been made by a knife. They must have started torturing him as soon as they got their hands on him, because a quick scan with a tri-corder told Leonard that some of the cuts were nearly three weeks old. He'd set to work with a regenerator right away, but he was already weeks late. Jim's body had already begun to heal the older of the marks, no now, no matter what he did, there would be a scar.
When he'd finished, and washed away the remaining blood staining Jim's once again pale flesh, there was still more then a dozen lines criss-crossing his torso. All the regenerator had been able to do was help finish the already started healing process, leaving the cuts as white in the majority and pink in a few, but they were scars none the less. Leonard hoped, that with time, most of them would fade, although he had the feeling about half would be permanent. The ones that had been deeper, that had cut jagged lines in Jim's flesh, would be the ones he would bear forever.
Leonard had to shake his head to dispel the awful memory of Jim laying so still and covered with so much blood. He would gladly put up with Jim never entering Sickbay again if it resulted in never seeing the blonde on one of his biobeds again. Taking a deep breath Leonard finally pressed the chime, waiting anxiously for Jim to answer. There was no reply for so long that Leonard almost pressed the chime again, but finally he heard Jim call out, “Come in.”
Part 2