Second autumn leaf: Three questions
“Red or black?”
The scarf is big and a little fuzzy: he likes it. But what he likes the most is the deep, rich, and dark ruby color. Looks like wine, like heavy and dry wine.
Heavy and dry. Well, heavy and him seems more like a joke: yet there is this “seems”. Deep inside, Shinya knows: once, there was a time when he felt that unbelievable, indescribable heaviness of both his limbs and his mind. Back then, he believed that the only way to survive was to sleep. To sleep because sleeping meant he wasn’t forced to think.
Your mind is heavy, he said about him once and Shinya being the careful voyeur he is noticed the half-bitter, half-touched expression on his face. Back then, the thought of their leader being jealous of him - HIM! - seemed so funny to Shinya that Shinya lost it and started to chuckle and eventually, he laughed aloud: it took Shinya two years until he was able to be left alone with Kaoru again and not having another attack of white hysteria.)
Heavy and dry. I love your dry humor, he said to him once after leaving the studio. Shinya never understood the context of those words.
Heavy and dry.
The darkness outside is black: such indigo darkness of November. Shinya sits on the sofa, with Miyu sleeping in his lap: along with heavy raindrops, silence is falling into November evening, too. Shinya likes silence. But he, too, has learned: sometimes, silence smells like sadness and wet, half rotten leaves. Shinya inhales softly: half rotten leaves are falling along with rain and silence, too.
Shinya looks down: brownish golden bundle of joy in his black lap. White hands against black duvet.
Shinya reaches for his cell phone and dials up Die’s number.
*
The best thing about Die is: Die’s mouth never stops. Shinya doesn’t need to think much whenever Die is around. He thinks too much nonetheless, Die complaines way too often.
Black jeans. Black jacket. Red scarf. Heavy and dry.
Red or black?
…yellow. Because of that sunflower smile.
# Second breath
“Truth or dare?”
Dare. Of course dare: this is Shinya.
Shinya doesn’t like the sparkle in Toshiya’s eyes. Toshiya is dangerous because Toshiya is not stupid. Immediately, Shinya recognizes the mistake: he should have picked up the truth.
And Toshiya dares him.
*
He has never thought he needed to drink three beers to gather some (LOADS OF) courage. Shinya’s logic: he can always blame it on alcohol.
*
Shinya’s hand freezes in the air. For a second. Never longer.
Thank gods for his hair falling into his face and shielding him from Die’s eyes - for Shinya is sure Die’s eyes are never leaving him, even if Die pretends he’s focused on studying his guitar: Shinya has noticed that Die lets his hair grow this long purposely. Die needs a shelter to hide himself behind while stalking Shinya’s every step.
Yet right now, Die doesn’t even bother to hide behind his hair. Shinya knows even without looking at him that Die’s eyes perceive every little detail of Shinya: Die’s eyes are the most perfect memory.
Finally, Die gives out a soft sigh. Thank gods Die reaches for a cigarette.
“Are you drunk?”
Just a little. He can handle three beers quite well.
“Then, I think I shouldn’t take an advan -“
Shinya’s lips are slick and they taste like sour cherries: damn Shinya’s lip balm. Die’s cigarette breaks as his hands come to rest on Shinya’s hips. Die’s belt buckle pokes Shinya uncomfortably as Die’s hands pulls him closer.
Die tastes like cassis and mint: the chewing gum.
Mentally, Shinya sighs: this is going to be a long way to happy.
*
A weekend is long enough to forget but too short to re-experience certain moments.
*
Monday morning:
“Truth or dare?”
He won’t make the same mistake twice. “Truth.”
“Well? Did you like your little lovey dovey kissing session?”
Shinya grits his teeth. “I did.”
Screw Toshiya.
# Third breath
Now or never, Shinya reads in Die’s eyes. And only Shinya knows this is no statement: it’s a question. He can’t blame Die, he seriously can’t: after all, Die was patient enough. Shinya really appreciates that.
I want you so much, Shin, you have no idea, I want you so much like I never wanted anyone before, I never felt this way, I never felt so confused nor so sweetly scared nor so impatient I can’t even explain…
As if Shinya wanted him to explain: Shinya never cared for any explanations. Maybe because he’s scared that if he did, some explanations would be expected from him to be made, too.
Besides: it would be just sex, right? No big deal. Through years, Shinya noticed: people have this weird habit of sleeping together when being in love.
Shinya’s hand grips firmly at Die’s wrist. Die hisses: it hurts. Sometimes, Shinya can’t estimate his physical power.
Shinya’s eyes soften a little and his long left index finger strokes Die’s right one.
“Sorry.”
It may be an answer to both. When Shinya’s face hides against Die’s nape, Die sighs: it WAS an answer to both.
This is going to be a long way to happy…
*
Two months and thirteen days later.
I want you so much, Dai, you have no idea, I want you so much like I never wanted anyone before, I never felt this way, I never felt so confused nor so sweetly scared nor so impatient I can’t even explain…
Finally, it’s time for now.
…
The scarf is big and a little fuzzy: he likes it. But what he likes the most is the deep, rich, and dark ruby color. Looks like wine, like heavy and dry wine.
Heavy and dry. Well, heavy and him seems more like a joke: yet there is this “seems”. Deep inside, Shinya knows: once, there was a time when he felt that unbelievable, indescribable heaviness of both his limbs and his mind. Back then, he believed that the only way to survive was to sleep. To sleep because sleeping meant he wasn’t forced to think.
Your mind is heavy, he said about him once and Shinya being the careful voyeur he is noticed the half-bitter, half-touched expression on his face. Back then, the thought of their leader being jealous of him - HIM! - seemed so funny to Shinya that Shinya lost it and started to chuckle and eventually, he laughed aloud: it took Shinya two years until he was able to be left alone with Kaoru again and not having another attack of white hysteria.)
Heavy and dry. I love your dry humor, he said to him once after leaving the studio. Shinya never understood the context of those words.
Heavy and dry.
The darkness outside is black: such indigo darkness of November. Shinya sits on the sofa, with Miyu sleeping in his lap: along with heavy raindrops, silence is falling into November evening, too. Shinya likes silence. But he, too, has learned: sometimes, silence smells like sadness and wet, half rotten leaves. Shinya inhales softly: half rotten leaves are falling along with rain and silence, too.
Shinya looks down: brownish golden bundle of joy in his black lap. White hands against black duvet.
Shinya reaches for his cell phone and dials up Die’s number.
*
The best thing about Die is: Die’s mouth never stops. Shinya doesn’t need to think much whenever Die is around. He thinks too much nonetheless, Die complaines way too often.
Black jeans. Black jacket. Red scarf. Heavy and dry.
Red or black?
…yellow. Because of that sunflower smile.
# Second breath
“Truth or dare?”
Dare. Of course dare: this is Shinya.
Shinya doesn’t like the sparkle in Toshiya’s eyes. Toshiya is dangerous because Toshiya is not stupid. Immediately, Shinya recognizes the mistake: he should have picked up the truth.
And Toshiya dares him.
*
He has never thought he needed to drink three beers to gather some (LOADS OF) courage. Shinya’s logic: he can always blame it on alcohol.
*
Shinya’s hand freezes in the air. For a second. Never longer.
Thank gods for his hair falling into his face and shielding him from Die’s eyes - for Shinya is sure Die’s eyes are never leaving him, even if Die pretends he’s focused on studying his guitar: Shinya has noticed that Die lets his hair grow this long purposely. Die needs a shelter to hide himself behind while stalking Shinya’s every step.
Yet right now, Die doesn’t even bother to hide behind his hair. Shinya knows even without looking at him that Die’s eyes perceive every little detail of Shinya: Die’s eyes are the most perfect memory.
Finally, Die gives out a soft sigh. Thank gods Die reaches for a cigarette.
“Are you drunk?”
Just a little. He can handle three beers quite well.
“Then, I think I shouldn’t take an advan -“
Shinya’s lips are slick and they taste like sour cherries: damn Shinya’s lip balm. Die’s cigarette breaks as his hands come to rest on Shinya’s hips. Die’s belt buckle pokes Shinya uncomfortably as Die’s hands pulls him closer.
Die tastes like cassis and mint: the chewing gum.
Mentally, Shinya sighs: this is going to be a long way to happy.
*
A weekend is long enough to forget but too short to re-experience certain moments.
*
Monday morning:
“Truth or dare?”
He won’t make the same mistake twice. “Truth.”
“Well? Did you like your little lovey dovey kissing session?”
Shinya grits his teeth. “I did.”
Screw Toshiya.
# Third breath
Now or never, Shinya reads in Die’s eyes. And only Shinya knows this is no statement: it’s a question. He can’t blame Die, he seriously can’t: after all, Die was patient enough. Shinya really appreciates that.
I want you so much, Shin, you have no idea, I want you so much like I never wanted anyone before, I never felt this way, I never felt so confused nor so sweetly scared nor so impatient I can’t even explain…
As if Shinya wanted him to explain: Shinya never cared for any explanations. Maybe because he’s scared that if he did, some explanations would be expected from him to be made, too.
Besides: it would be just sex, right? No big deal. Through years, Shinya noticed: people have this weird habit of sleeping together when being in love.
Shinya’s hand grips firmly at Die’s wrist. Die hisses: it hurts. Sometimes, Shinya can’t estimate his physical power.
Shinya’s eyes soften a little and his long left index finger strokes Die’s right one.
“Sorry.”
It may be an answer to both. When Shinya’s face hides against Die’s nape, Die sighs: it WAS an answer to both.
This is going to be a long way to happy…
*
Two months and thirteen days later.
I want you so much, Dai, you have no idea, I want you so much like I never wanted anyone before, I never felt this way, I never felt so confused nor so sweetly scared nor so impatient I can’t even explain…
Finally, it’s time for now.
…