Reactions: The Girl in the Fireplace
Featuring this episode's special guest commentators...
Blaine Edwards and Antoine Merriweather.
We are sooooo glad to be here for this one ladies.
Yes, yes, yes.
Many thanks must be given to
obsessive_capsfor the lovvvvely pictures...
And special thanks to the fabbbbbbbbbbbbulous
larissa_j for inviting us! You get an around-the-world-and-back snap, sister!
*SNAAAAAAAAAAP* *SNAAAAAAAAAAP*
Anyway, *unfolds paper*
principia_coh would like everyone to know that she did not mean to diss School Reunion by not posting about it, but that she felt her post would be redundant to the excellent observations already made by other posters. (Although if you'd like to read how Miss Sarah Janie Jane really made her original exit, that's here.
*takes paper* And further, that the views expressed here by Blaine and myself are not necessarily those of our transcriptionist. She says that while it presents some intriguing ideas, was lovingly shot, and features excellent performances from its regulars, in addition to having a certain romantic glow from the little somethin' somethin' that blossomed during filming between David Tennant and Sophia Myles, the seeming vacuum in which this episode was written makes it stick out from the rest of the series like a sore thumb.
And you know we hate sore thumbs! They make snapping very difficult!
Ahem. As to the frankly piggish statements made by the episode's writer in multiple interviews, well, she thinks Mark Gatiss should be the one to replace RTD as head writer when he leaves and she's gonna leave it at that.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyhoo. Now for today's episode, The Bitch in the Barbecue.
*gasp* Blaine, you behave yourself!
The Witch in the Weber?
How about The Temptress in the Tandoor?
Ooh, I like that one. Very multicultural. And you know we are all about tolerance here at Men on Film.
If y'all wanna know the real name, it's called The Girl in the Fireplace.
*folds arms, rolls eyes* Shall we get on with it?
Let's.
Versailles.
Lovely Versailles.
Until you get inside. And then there's all kinda people running around and screaming...
You would think that someone who could afford a place this de-luxe would keep their clocks working. Or at least replace the glass.
I know. And what is up with this?
The flower petals all over the bed? With this many people in the house? Whatchu think's gonna happen tonight?
They need some better maids up in there.
I think the King's a little too busy ignoring his queen so he can argue with his girlfriend to worry about the housekeeping. That's what Kings have people for.
And now she's screaming into the fireplace. I think it's meant to be intriguing.
I just wanna know if there's a telephone in the back or something. If she hadn't'a mentioned the Doctor, I'd've thought she was gonna yell for Santa!
Now why do you think they feel the need to tell us it's 3000 years later? It's not as if they ain't gonna mention it two minutes from now.
I think it looks like a giant version of the Doctor's sonic thingy with some spinny handles.
Oh, delights unfold before my eyes. Here comes my Doctor-man.
Your Doctor-man?
Oh, yes. I was calling him that way before Miss High Queen of the Spider-Butts got there.
It's true.
And look, it's Miss Rosie and M&M.
I'm sure y'all want to know why we call him M&M.
I'm sure they do.
Because he's chocolate that melts in your mouth, not in your hand!
*giggles* *giggles*
That deserves a snap!
Oh, yes.
*SNAP* *SNAP*
Oh, my. And we thought the broken clock was ghetto.
This looks like Sanford and Son in space. *duh duh DUH duh*
*duh duh DUH duh duh duh duh*
And there are no lights on.
I'm not sure I can make a family-friendly comment here.
Maybe a little light will improve things.
What, did somebody forget to pay the electric bill, or did they just all go space crazy?
Doctor-man says apparently it was cowboys.
Space Cowboys? Do you think we'll get to see Captain Tight Pants?
Oh, you stop it with the multi-fandom references. Although that might have turned this episode into simply the best thing in the history of...
Ever.
No doubt!
Two snaps up and a circle!
*SNAP SNAP swish* *SNAP SNAP swish*
Lady Inara could've totally given Miss Rosie some pointers.
Well so could Madame de PomPom.
But Inara is a Companion.
And you told me to stop!
Okay, okay, don't have an earthquake in your undies. Moving on...
They are just trying to get us in trouble, aren't they?
And now, a fireplace.
On a wooden wall, in a spaceship.
I think Miss Rosie agrees with you.
I'm sure there must be a perrrrrfectly logical explanation for all this.
*titters* *guffaws*
Surpriiiiiiiiiise! There's people livin' inside your fireplace little white girl!
It's like The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe with a fire hazard.
Aw, Miss Rosie sees him bein' all cute with that girl and her ovaries are melting!
I know mine are spontaneously combusting and I don't even have any.
Did you ever see that movie Village of the Damned? That's all I'm sayin'.
I cannot say that I have.
That's all right, sweetie. You get your beauty sleep while a strange man is sneaking into your bedroom.
That pretty, pretty one right there.
Well you awake now, ain't ya?
It's like that Blair Witch Project without the junk coming out of her nose.
I see something furry under there. Is that bowl for her little poodle or something?
I think that's her toi-let.
Oh, look, it's the Quaker Oats man.
How did he get up from under there so fast without moving the bed?
Kilroy was here!
Ooh, look, he's Mr. Spock now. If Miss Rosie could only see this, she might be impressed.
How do you know he doesn't just have really good eyesight?
Besides the glasses? Now how is he going to see inside her brain through the back of her eyeball and her skull? Think before you speak.
Hmph.
Yeah, I wouldn't be real happy about that either, girl.
Maybe Doctor-man can reprogram him like the Terminator or something.
Don't let the clock thingy cut that pretty face! No no no.
Giant Clockwork Man Things, now with double the frosting!
Heh. He needs some little marshmallows to go with that.
I like that Miss Rosie's the one holding the gun fire extinguisher. Whatevah. You go, girl!
Oh, no.
What?
He put on the glasses.
That he did.
He is far, far too scrumptious with those things on.
The only thing that would be better is if he had his sonic thingy.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *squeak* *thud*
If you could just excuse us for a moment, y'all, Antoine has fainted. Let me get the smelling salts.
...
We're back!
Why does he bother telling people things like that? They never say 'Okay, Mr. Doctor-man, I'm just going to go sit in the TARDIS and have some cookies while I wait for you to get back.'
Biscuits.
Why would you snack on biscuits?
The English word for that kinda cookie is biscuit. Honestly.
You know from that face Miss Rosie ain't stayin' home to feed the chickens and churn the butter.
What do you think this is, Little House on the Prairie?
This looks a lit-tle different from the last time we saw it.
How can you tell? It was pitch dark before.
There's no more dollhouse and there's a harp in the corner. So there.
Doctor, hasn't anybody ever told you not to go plucking other people's strings without their permission?
*snicker*
He is just so delectable here.
I know. I don't know how Miss Rosie keeps herself from spending all day working on that mouth.
Look out, here comes trouble.
Quit staring down her chest!
He does do that between four and a half-dozen times during this scene. I lost count.
Why bother counting? It's just one long stare interrupted by his occasional glance to her face. He's so not paying attention he's staring at her forehead half the time.
And yet she does not slap him.
Well of course not! She's a teenage girl!
How do you know that?
Because she got married when she was 19. Meaning she can't be anything but barely legal at this point.
Ooh, Doctor-man, you so bad!
She's the one who tries to suck his face off. It's not his fault.
Raise your hand if you think this should be Miss Rosie!
*raises hand* *raises hand*
Two snaps up in a zig-zag!
*SNAP swoosh SNAP swoosh* *SNAP swoosh SNAP swoosh*
She's like one of those face-huggers from the Alien movies.
You watch some very disturbing material.
It's all in a day's work for a film critic. Which you would know if you ever watched movies besides when we're together.
See, I told you. His brain's gone.
Which is why he comes back and he's all 'Woo hoo, guess what Rosie, I just played tonsil hockey with this really famous girl! She even wears dresses! I could see all the way down the front! How come you don't ever wear dresses where I can see all the way down the front?'
'Because I'm not a ho?'
DAMN!
Doctor-man has most certainly seen some very strange things in his day. What would make him freeze like that?
Besides his brain being sucked out by Madame de PomPom?
It's a horse on a spaceship. Clearly he does not watch Firefly. *sob*
If he doesn't watch Firefly because it's not a television program, then maybe this show and that show are real together!
That could be, but you know what Fox is like.
What is he playing, Metal Gear Stupid?
Be nice to the M&M now.
I'm sorry, but that floor is not padded. Do not hurt yourself, my tasty little treat!
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
What he said!
And that!
Why did you make me watch this?
I made you. I don't think so.
Something cute. Thank you!
It's like that old Split Enz video for One Step Ahead. But he's being followed by a horse instead of a lady.
Why on Earth would this scene make you think of that video?
Because I think my Doctor-man bears a striking resemblance to a young Neil Finn, that's why.
So you're saying he should never take Miss Rosie back to an old Split Enz concert or she might end up going home with the wrong fella?
Don't put words in my mouth. Not when there are much better things to be put there!
A extra-tasty snap!
*SNAP mmmm* *SNAP mmmm*
I cannot believe he just told a horse to talk to the hand.
Even the horse knows it's a bad idea to go. He'll upset Miss Rosie!
He sure likes doing that Kilroy thing, doesn't he?
Aw, look, she's got a sistah with her!
Yeah, but they're laughing it up over some woman dying.
If it were her I doubt she'd find it quite so hilarious.
You wouldn't be smiling if you knew what he'd been doing.
Probably the only man who preens more than you.
You mean more than you.
Oh, honey, he's the king. He could look like a warthog and she's still gonna spread 'em for him.
*gasp*
A very special effect, but what is with that jewelry?
Girl, you're gonna put an eye out if you spin around too fast.
Girl (I think), you know they have a cream for that now, don't you?
She's so ashy Cormac McCarthy wrote The Road after spending a weekend at her house.
A literary snap! Quick, let me grab something. *fishes out a paperback*
*SNAP* *SNAP* (both over the top of the book)
Just a picture of my yummy Doctor-man. Even if he is trying to have it both ways.
So unfair. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Topic: a man should be able to work up his appetite however he wants, so long as he eats at home. Discuss.
Yeah, but he ain't supposed to have the soup and salad one place and then his dinner and dessert somewhere else!
They look so fierce here. And Miss Rosie is the one asking the important questions.
So where is Wichita Falls, anyway?
You would think it's in Kansas, but I heard it's in Texas or something.
Now get out so I can keep macking on Queen of the Cheerleaders.
My Doctor-man is taking this very seriously.
Do you think he ever did this to/for Miss Rosie?
She remembers the Dalek Emperor, doesn't she?
But our little M&M thinks it's about the funniest thing ever. Poor Miss Rosie.
Doctor-man better hurry his ass up with his little Frenchy thing on the side.
I don't like needles.
Thank you, Blaine.
You peeked! That's cheating!
Not as cheating as poking around in his brain without asking. Rude thing.
And then he dances with her anyway. I do mean dance dance, thankyouverymuch.
Talk about mixed messages!
Now would be a good time for you to come on back, Doctor-man!
But not if he can barely stand up!
Ooh, look, he's got his tie off!
That has got to affect the resale value!
Giiiiiiirl, how come you in some big fancy gown and the woman in the blue jeans makes you look trashay? Why is that?
Mmm-hmm. I don't know what is wrong with that Doctor-man. Girl musta spiked his punch or somethin'.
I would not say that making faces like this one when Miss Rosie is just trying to help you is recommended.
And Miss Rosie feels sorry for her anyway.
I do not remember who said it first, but you know that rule about putting on accessories and then checking yourself in the mirror and taking off all but two of them?
Sweetie, that entire dress is nothing but a series of accessories.
'We are French.' What exactly does that mean?
They're like Vulcans, only with sexing.
Don't panic, Doctor-man, I'm sure you'll think of something fantabulous!
While that is indeed a fabulous entrance, is it very practical?
I guess pre-revolutionary France didn't have the SPCA.
You are entitled to look a little cocky.
Mmm, in that suit do you think he can avoid it?
Oh, no, and who would want him to?
That's a finger-licking snap!
*lick SNAP* *lick SNAP*
Well of course she's happy. She thinks she's got herself a little piece on the side.
On the side of what? She ain't slept with him since 1750.
Brick? What?
Doctor-man, you have completely scared the little M&M, and you've made Miss Rosie cry. I hope you're happy.
Or NOT!
*Somewhere out there...*
*...out where dreams come true...*
That does not include a visit to Madame de PomPom's room for practicing with a new dance partner.
She's trying to do the right thing. Or maybe at least the thing she believes won't end in the King finding an excuse to behead him or something.
Or thinks if she's all noble he'll feel guilty and stay.
If that was the idea, she chose poorly.
Doctor has only just now realized that maybe this whole extreme-long-distance thing with a known historical figure isn't going to work out.
But he wants to be sure to leave her with a smile on her face.
Or at least off his conscience, naughty man.
Look at Miss Rosie. She's so adorable here.
She's always adorable.
I mean she looks very young and cute.
Did she cry away her mascara and not put any back on after washing the raccoon tracks off her face?
He actually looks choked up to see our M&M.
Maybe he has learned something from this after all.
Yeah, like to be grateful they didn't leave his ass to catch a ride back to 2007 London.
There are no flower petals on the bed. Either the maid staff has changed, or this is a Very Bad Sign.
I guess that depends on your definition of bad.
Hush, you!
No, he is not going to read a personal letter from your semi-wife in front of you. Act like you got the sense God gave a goose.
If this was meant to be some sort of after school special for the Doctor, he doesn't seem to have learned his lesson.
Why depend on friends you've just dumped all over when you can sulk and fuss on your own?
Maybe Doctor-man just thinks he doesn't deserve their support.
Maybe he doesn't.
Now if he did not feel guilty, why is he waiting until he's sure they're gone and sneaking that letter out?
My Doctor-man is certainly not happy. Although he's not nearly as sad as we've seen him later on.
Why is there a portrait of Madame de PomPom on board this spaceship?
Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
So that was it.
Yes.
She wasn't some long-lost Gallifreyan woman...
You mean like Romana or Leela and Andred's theoretical child?
Yes. I wish they'd kept the original explanation for what happened. Just CUZ doesn't quite cut the mustard.
I guess if y'all want to find out what that was, you'd have to ask our transcriptionist or listen to the episode commentaries. That change is probably the one thing in this episode that ain't all Mr. Moffat's fault.
You know what this episode was really missing?
What?
My Jack-Jack.
Your Jack-Jack.
Yes. If fine Mr. Harkness...
Captain Harkness.
Captain Naked As Often As Possible had been there, he woulda swept Madame de PomPom off her feet...
And maybe that yummy King too.
Mayyyyyyybe, and he'd'a helped Miss Rosie into one of those ball gowns and honey...
Yes?
You know the Doctor would have loved Miss Rosie in one of those.
My Doctor-man? He would drop M&M back off home, and he and Miss Rosie would never leave the TARDIS again!
Neatly avoiding Doomsday.
*smacks Blaine*
Ouch! What was that for?
*dabbing eyes with tissue, sniffling* You said that word.
Oh. Ohhh. I'm sorry, ladies, he's very sensitive.
*teary* No, no, that's all right. Just give me a moment to compose myself. *BLAAAAAAAT!*
I am Blaine Edwards.
And I am Antoine Merriweather.
And we are Men on Film! Thank you and good night!