Doctor Who / House: The Doctors
Title: The Doctors
Author's Name: violet_quill
Recipient's name: cherryfeather
Fandom: House/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Ninth Doctor, Rose, Jack, House, Wilson, Cuddy, ducklings
Pairings: If you count innuendo, then it's Jack/everyone
Summary: Rose becomes ill, so the Doctor and Jack take her to the person most likely to help her.
Notes: Takes place between "Boomtown" and "Bad Wolf" in S1 of Doctor Who, and some time after the S3 House episode "Half-Wit." I've taken some liberties with medical details for the benefit of storytelling, so don't analyze too carefully! My undying gratitude to S for helping me remember what Nine sounds like.
Rose coughed again.
Jack glanced up from where he'd been tinkering with a section of the TARDIS controls and asked, "You okay, doll? You don't sound so good."
"She's probably just ill from you calling her doll," the Doctor said, his Northern accent still slightly thicker from their time in Scotland. He'd just stepped back inside, after taking a few minutes to 'tie up some loose ends with the natives', whatever that meant. Rose had commented that it still struck her as odd to refer to the inhabitants of 1903 Scotland as "natives." Still, probably best they got on before the Doctor made good on his promise to just "leave Jack here if he likes men in kilts so much."
"Is that so, sweet cheeks?" Jack replied with a grin, popping up to his feet. "I think we're all ready to go in any case. Where to next?"
"Someplace with a pharmacy I can pop into and get some cold meds?" Rose suggested hopefully.
"Even better!" bellowed the Doctor, taking over Jack's place at the controls. "Now, what year exactly was it that they developed the cure for the common cold…"
Jack rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, Doctor. She's a twentieth century gal. That stuff might wreck her immune system."
"Oh, you're the doctor now, are you?"
"Just as much as you!"
Rose coughed again and slumped into a chair, groaning. "I think I have a fever. Feels like the flu."
Jack shot the Doctor a murderous look.
"Hey!" the Doctor began defensively. "I've been traveling with companions for a long time. I'm very careful where I take them. There's absolutely no way she's been anywhere near someone infected with smallpox or the Spanish Flu or something."
"Smallpox?" Rose looked up, eyes widening.
"No! Definitely not Smallpox! You've got a cold, Rose. Come on, why don't you have a lie down." The Doctor steered her away, but returned a few minutes later with a worried expression on his face.
"I had the TARDIS do a bioscan," he said. "Her heartbeat's irregular and there's fluid in her lungs."
"Well we've got to get her to a doctor!" Jack looked alarmed. "Where are the best ones? I've always been fond of the cat ladies myself…"
"No… no, you were right. It's probably best not to put her in the hands of medicine too alien unless absolutely necessary. Humans evolve, even the smallest difference in her physiology could… for instance, I'd hate to see her reaction to all the stuff that was pumped into your body at birth."
"I'm practically disease-resistant," Jack said proudly.
"Well I have thirteen lives. Moving on."
"So what, you want to just take her to some random hospital? What if she's picked up something alien from traveling with you?"
"Quite right," the Doctor said, looking off to some middle place above them. "We were just in Scotland. Before that, Raxacoricofallapatorius, and she couldn't have possibly picked up anything there, she didn't even get out of the TARDIS."
"Funny how they didn't throw out the welcoming mat."
"And Cardiff, of course. Before that was the stop in Russia, which was right after we picked you up during World War II. I don't see how she could possibly have anything alien. It's probably just some perfectly normal Earth ailment."
"Yeah, except it might be an ailment more common to 1903. Or to the forties. Some early twenty-first century doc is going to give her some Aspirin for her fever and send her on her way, and meanwhile she'll be infecting everyone with Smallpox."
"It's not Smallpox!"
"Well you know what I mean. She can't just see a normal doctor, they wouldn't take into account the more unusual - " Jack paused. Then he grinned and grabbed the Doctor's shoulders. "I know just the guy!"
The Doctor frowned. "You do?"
"Yeah! I remember reading about him in a medical history text at some point - early twentieth century, right around Rose's time, he'll be the doctor to diagnose the first reported case of Spanish Flu in that century. Stories go he can diagnose anything."
"Before or after the autopsy?" the Doctor commented dryly.
Jack frowned at him. "Do you have a better idea? Maybe it is just a cold, but do you really want to take that chance?"
The Doctor glanced back in the direction where Rose was sleeping. "Okay. You're right. Where to?"
"First decade of the twenty-first century," said Jack. "Princeton. New Jersey."
"You know," said the Doctor, "I've always underestimated the staggering draw of the garden state."
*
"House!"
His cane popped up to press the "close door" button on the elevator just as Cuddy shouted his name across the hospital lobby. "I used to run track, you know," he called, watching her with some amusement as she sprinted towards him. "I could have made it in time!"
Miraculously, she did. Though it did involve sticking a hand in just before the doors closed and then shoving then open bodily with her shoulder. "Field hockey," she said, out of breath.
"Oh, very butch."
She glared at him. "Do you want a case?"
"Is that a trick question?" House's eyes flicked up to the floor numbers lighting as the elevator climbed.
"Well since you don't actually have any," Cuddy said irritably, "I thought you might be bored."
"You'd be amazed how easily I find ways to entertain myself."
The elevator stopped on four and a nurse in turquoise scrubs got on.
"They're asking for you specifically," said Cuddy, holding out a file.
House rolled his eyes. "Well, gosh. That's unusual. Do you know how many letters I get? Why do you think I taught Cameron to sign my name? I'm like the Santa Claus of diagnostics."
"Well this one didn't send you a letter. She's already here."
"Good for her."
"Admitted."
"Oh, I see. So one of your other precious doctors dropped the ball, and…"
"No, she's admitted as your patient. It's in the computer and everything. And she's in a bed as of this morning. Only no one actually remembers doing the paperwork."
The elevator stopped again and the nurse got out.
"What, so because there's some sort of computer glitch I have to take a random patient? What's wrong with her?"
"Well she presented with flu-like symptoms…" Cuddy was still holding out the file, so she jabbed him in the chest with it.
House snatched it from her. "Gosh, maybe it's the flu."
"Except shortly after she got here, her heart stopped."
That was enough to get House to open the file.
"And she's only nineteen."
That was enough to get him to read it.
"If it's progressed far enough, certain strains of flu can present with - "
"Yes, I realize that," Cuddy said impatiently. "And you're probably right, it probably is the flu. But I've got to have someone confirm that and it might as well be you. Her, uh… companions are very adamant that you see her."
House lifted an eyebrow. "There, that. The way you just said companions. Like there's something fishy about them."
Cuddy scratched the back of her neck. "Fishy?"
"Yeah, like maybe they're a lesbian voodoo cult or something."
Cuddy rolled her eyes. "House, if they were a lesbian voodoo cult, that's the first thing I would have mentioned to you."
He grinned. "Good girl." He glanced back down at the chart. "Okay, fine. But if it turns out to be flu, I'm not doing clinic duty for a week."
"Two days."
"Four days."
"Three."
"Deal."
*
Cameron's eyes lit up as soon as she saw House start scrawling symptoms on the white board. "We've got a new patient?"
"You betcha!" House mocked, affecting an exaggeration of her higher pitched voice. "It's just like Christmas, except with heart palpitations and vomiting! Oh goody!"
Looking slightly deflated, Cameron glanced at the set of symptoms and suggested, "…Lupus?"
House threw up his hands, his cane clattering to the floor. "Why do I even bother? Do I need a team anymore? I could hire some actors for this job. You there - " He pointed at Foreman. "You just disagree with everything I say. And you - " At Cameron. "You suggest Lupus. And you - " He paused when he got to Chase. "I don't know. You sit there and look pretty until you occasionally come up with a right answer."
Chase actually looked pleased at that. But before Cameron or Foreman could protest, someone else chimed in from the doorway, "Funny, usually it's my job to sit somewhere and look pretty."
Jack Harkness was leaning against the doorframe, with the Doctor standing behind him.
House rolled his eyes. "Sorry, position's filled. Can I help you?"
Cameron was sitting closest to the door, so when Jack stepped inside, she was first in the line of fire. "Captain Jack Harkness," he said smoothly, offering her his hand and giving her a look that was somehow both charming and scandalous at the same time.
"Stop that," the Doctor snapped, stepping in behind him.
"What? I was just - "
The Doctor pushed past him and walked over to House. "I understand that you've taken on Rose Tyler's case."
"Is that her name?" House glanced down at the chart.
"Yes."
"So then you two must be the…" House looked at Jack and back to the Doctor, skepticism evident. "Companions."
"No," said the Doctor. "Jack and Rose are my companions. I am - "
"That's right," said Jack, walking up to them, and he gave House pretty much the exact same once-over that he'd just given to Cameron. "Captain Jack Harkness," he purred. "I've heard a lot about you."
"Jack," warned the Doctor.
House just stared. "Is this guy for real?"
"Unfortunately, yes," said the Doctor. "But don't hold it against him."
"And you are?" House sighed.
"Captain Ja - "
"Got that, thanks," House said irritably. "Him."
"I'm the Doctor."
"The doctor."
"Yes."
House pointed at himself. "A doctor." And then pointed at the other man. "The doctor."
The Doctor looked impatient. "Yes."
"Like the butcher, the baker, the candlestick - "
"Is there anything I can do to force this information more quickly into your thick ape-like skull so that we can move on?"
"Nah, I think I've got it. Now unless you have anything relevant to add to your companion's medical history, Mister The Doctor, then we have work to do." He picked up the whiteboard marker and brandished it menacingly.
Jack nudged the Doctor with his elbow. "I like him."
Chase snorted from the conference table.
"You would. Probably fancy them all." The Doctor started back towards the door. "If there's any news, we'll be in the coffee shop."
"Right," said Jack with a grin, and winked at Cameron as he passed. "Coffee. You know, if you're not busy later - " His eyes started to drift to Chase, but the Doctor grabbed his arm.
"Stop that," he snapped, and practically yanked Jack out of the room.
Cameron looked after them, and then turned back to House, blinking. "Well that was interesting."
"That was… weird," Foreman agreed, looking out at the pair as they retreated down the hallway. "The doctor? And a captain? What's he a captain of?"
"Captain of lame," Chase muttered, sinking a little in his chair.
"Oh, snap," said Foreman dryly, and rolled his eyes.
"Well look at that," House mocked, walking over to the table and stopping in front of Chase. "Our little wombat is feeling unloved."
"House, that's not - "
"What's wrong, are you intimidated?"
"Shut up."
"Don't worry," House said condescendingly, as he reached over and grabbed the pad of post-its beside Cameron's folder. He scrawled something on it and then peeled up the top one and stuck it to Chase's forehead.
In large, clear letters, it read: STILL THE PRETTIEST.
*
"I think he's sexy," said Jack. "I think it's the voice. And those hands. Did you see his hands?"
"Oh, for god's sake," the Doctor muttered. "Rose is sick. Remember? We did not come here to date."
"He doesn't strike me as the dating type anyway," Jack said cheerfully. "More the pull you into an empty examining room and bend you over a counter type."
The Doctor made a face and straightened the cuffs on his leather jacket. "Let's pretend for a moment that you're a normal person, shall we? And take his sex appeal out of the equation. How does he seem as, oh, say, a doctor?"
"More useful than you've been so far," Jack said with a shrug. "Trust me on this one. The guy's brilliant. Hey, maybe that's what's so - "
The Doctor cut him off. "Found the new strain of the Spanish Flu, you say?"
Jack nodded. "He will."
They reached the counter, and Jack flirted with the barrista before ordering a black coffee. The Doctor asked for a banana.
"God, you're so repressed," Jack muttered, rolling his eyes. "You think I'm the one with a problem, but you and your bananas…"
"What?" asked the Doctor as if he hadn't heard. He dug around in his jacket pocket for change.
"Oh. Nothing."
*
After House sent off Foreman and Chase to run various tests to rule out most types of the flu on their patient, Cameron was the only one left in the conference room with him. "Well?" she asked. "What about me?"
"You remember when you thought I had brain cancer?"
She frowned. "Strangely enough, I do."
"Remember that little trick with the kiss and the syringe?"
She didn't look happy with where this was going. "Yes…"
"I want you to do that on Captain Jack. Get some blood, run every STD test known to man."
Cameron crossed her arms over her chest. "Why don't we just ask him for a blood sample?"
"Because he might say no?"
"Well why don't we ask Rose if she's slept with him? She's a little out of it from the fever, but she can probably still…"
"She'd just lie," House said. "And besides, it's a pretty pointless question. You met that guy. He's probably slept with everything with a zip code and a hole."
Cameron made a face.
"Oh, don't act like it's such a hardship. He's cute. Now go."
"It didn't work on you," she pointed out.
"I'm smart," House said. "And immune to your feminine wiles."
"Uh huh."
"Go."
She went.
*
Rose had spent most of her time in the hospital bed so far sleeping or completely out of it from the fever. When House came by to see her for the first time, she was somewhere in between.
"Hi," he said, limping over to her. "I'm Doctor House. So are you fucking both of them or just Captain Lame?"
Rose blinked up at him. "Are you my mummy?"
House rolled his eyes and checked the level of her medication. "You're not even doped up, you're just tired and slightly delusional," he said. "I don't mind waiting. I brought a book." He pulled out a copy of Lesbian Prison Stories IV and hooked his cane around the leg of a chair, pulling it over to him.
He sank down into it. "So any time you want to tell me why you think you might be sick, just speak up."
"Sick?" she murmured, turning her head. "I really don't want to be stretched out on a frame. Moisturize me, moisturize me, what sort of life is that?"
House sighed and started to read.
A few minutes later, the Doctor stood in the doorway, frowning. "Hard at work are you?"
House yawned a little and looked up at him. "I sent my minions off to do the real work." He wondered if the Doctor being alone meant that Cameron had gotten to Jack. "I'm just waiting to see if your friend has anything useful to offer."
"Is there anything I can tell you?"
"Probably not," said House. "Everybody lies, anyway. Nice travel itinerary, though."
"That's what we do."
House grabbed Rose's chart and read off of the medical history. "London, Russia, Cardiff, Scotland…"
"That's correct."
"Well, I haven't heard of any outbreaks of any interesting strains of flu in any of those places lately," said House.
"Lately?" The Doctor affected a look of innocence that he didn't pull off well.
House started to respond, but was interrupted by Jack entering the room. "You sent your underling to seduce me!" he accused, pointing a finger at House.
House rolled his eyes. "You would have rather I sent all of them?"
Jack blinked, and then the corner of his mouth quirked up a little. "Well, now that you mention it…"
"Oh, please," the Doctor said irritably. But then he looked over at House, his head inclined slightly in confusion. "Excuse me, but how is sending a doctor to snog Jack helping Rose?"
"She was supposed to get a blood sample," said House.
"A blood… because you… oh, fantastic." The Doctor looked really annoyed now. "She hasn't caught something from Jack. She's just sick. Now is there anything that I can possibly do to get you to do your bloody job and fix her?"
"Hey," said House defensively, "I start with the most plausible and work my way down. After meeting Jack, that seemed highly plausible."
"She didn't catch anything from me because I don't have anything," Jack said, his former charming demeanor having regressed into something resembling petulance. "Go ahead, test my blood if you - "
"No, don't," the Doctor blurted.
"Why not?" asked House suspiciously.
"Because it's… not necessary," Jack said, casting his eyes down when the Doctor gave him a chastising face. "Look. Can't we just find out if it's something else first? I always figured it was just some sort of cold, what with all her trampling around in the mud in those barns in…"
House spun and looked at him harshly. "Barns? What barns?"
"In Scotland. We were there last, it was - "
House turned his ire back to the Doctor. "No, no, no, you said nothing about the countryside. All those places you gave me - London, Cardiff, that city in Russia, the area of Scotland - all commercial areas. All cities. Even in Scotland. Commercial, I double-checked."
"Not in 1903 it wasn't," Jack muttered.
"What?"
"Yes," the Doctor snapped, "we might have done some traveling in the country. As if that makes a difference."
"It could," House returned, equally irritable, and glanced up to Rose's heart monitor again. "I had this one theory…" He flipped open his cell phone. "Foreman. You've probably already done some of these tests. For the ones you haven't, do them now. And get the results to me ASAP in the conference room. I need a CBC count, checking for an elevated erythrocyte sedimentation rate, a rheumatologic screening, and a test for elevated cardiac enzymes as well as serum viral antibody titers. And get another ECG."
He closed the phone, obviously without giving the person on the other end a chance to respond. "Well I've got to go do my job now," he said. "Stay here, I'll be back if this pans out."
Remarkably, neither the Doctor nor Jack argued with that. Maybe because they were too busy looking annoyed with each other.
*
"Well," said Foreman, handing House a stack of test results. "Looks like you were right. Myocarditis. And a pretty nasty case, too."
Cameron rubbed her temples. "What on earth made you think of that? Even with the heart issue, it's so rare, and most prominent among older men…"
"Yeah, but it's also usually caused by a viral infection," said House.
"Which we already ruled out," Cameron added.
"Right. But this time it wasn't. It was fungal. Actinomycosis probably. I ruled out that kind of fungus before because her stupid companions said they'd only been in urban areas in the last few months."
"Since when do you listen to what people say?" Chase asked.
House just shot him a dirty look. "Start her on an intravenous anti-fungal, an ACE inhibitor, and get another - "
He was cut off by the Doctor and Jack bounding into the room. "Myocarditis," Jack blurted. "That's her heart. People die from that."
House just looked at them in disbelief for a second. "What, were you listening at the door?"
"No." Jack looked insulted. "I planted a bug." He walked past House and plucked a small silver disk from the top of the white board.
"Hey!" Foreman jumped to his feet. "You can't - "
"Oh, calm down, it's gone now," said the Doctor. "Now would someone please just tell us what's going on with Rose?"
"You're not supposed to be in here," Chase said irritably.
"Oh, shut up, Chase," said House, and turned, lifting his cane and poking the Doctor once in the chest. "Look. I'm going to tell you what's wrong with her, I'm going to tell you how we're going to fix it, and then you're going to go wait and get the hell out of my way. Okay?"
The Doctor just stared at the tip of the cane for a second, as if he couldn't possibly believed that someone had dared to poke him. But then he took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a second as if centering himself, and said, "Agreed."
Jack rolled his eyes and sank into the free chair at the conference table beside Cameron, kicking his feet up onto the table. Cameron's cheeks tinged slightly pink, and Chase slumped farther down in his chair.
"Myocarditis," said House, "is an inflammation of the muscular part of the - "
"He already knows this," Jack said. "The Doctor knows everything."
"Well he didn't know the difference between flu symptoms and Myocarditis now did he?" House snapped. "Now shut up and let me talk. As I was saying, an inflammation of the muscular part of the heart. It's usually caused by a viral infection, which is why it presents with flu-like symptoms. In your friend, we ruled out most viruses early, and I didn't consider other sources of Myocarditis right away because most of them don't cause flu-like symptoms. But some of the more obscure fungal sources do. And if she's been in a place where she might contract them - like, I don't know, slopping around in muddy barns in Scotland - then that suddenly made a lot more sense."
"So she got a fungus that screwed up her heart?" Jack clarified. "Ew."
House rolled his eyes. "Anyway, we've got her on an anti-fungal treatment, and the ECG indicated that we caught it early enough that the inflammation shouldn't cause any permanent damage. A few days on various medications will take care of it, no surgery necessary."
"So… she's going to be fine," the Doctor said cautiously.
"Yes," House sighed, sounding exasperated. "She's going to be fine."
"And she doesn't have the Spanish Flu or anything?" Jack piped in.
"No. The Spanish Flu? What is with you guys?"
"Just something to think on," Jack said with a wink.
House gave him a look like he'd gone insane, and then just shook his head. "There. Now go. She'll be here for a few days, so get yourselves a hotel room or something."
Jack got to his feet and looked like he was about to argue, but the Doctor stopped him. "Not a bad idea. I think we're parked on a meter."
Jack lifted an eyebrow, but then just shrugged. "Well," he said, "I for one had complete faith in you guys." He leaned down, took Cameron's face between his hands, and kissed her squarely on the mouth. She blinked in surprise at him.
Then he strode across the room and reached out towards House.
"Don't even think about it," House warned. "Or I will shove this cane - "
Jack laughed and held up his hands. "Okay, okay! Well, thanks anyway." Then he jerked his head towards the door. "Ready, Doctor?"
"Here," said the Doctor. "High in potassium." And he handed House a banana before walking out of the conference room with Jack.
Once they were gone, Foreman and Chase went off to start Rose's treatment, but Cameron lingered behind. "Um. House?"
He was already unscrewing the top of the Vicodin bottle. "Yes?"
"So, uh, about that blood sample from Harkness…"
House shrugged before popping a pill into his mouth and swallowing. "Unless you've noticed any other symptoms, there's really no reason to run it."
Cameron cleared her throat. "I was thinking we should anyway."
House just looked at her for a moment. "You didn't."
Her lips set in a straight line. "I don't know what you're talking about."
He laughed. "You did! Christ, Cameron. I sent you to kiss him and you just couldn't keep your clothes on?"
Her cheeks colored. "I did not say that. Oh…. Nevermind. Forget it."
House snorted. "Fine, run some tests if you want. I would if I were you."
"Fine. Can I have the sample?" she asked tightly.
"Why are you asking me?"
"I put it in the test tube holder in the lab but it's not there anymore. I assumed you'd taken it."
"Nope. I'm apparently the only one who doesn't want anywhere near his bodily fluids."
Cameron looked pained. "Oh. I…"
House rolled his eyes and turned back to the white board, grabbing the eraser to wipe it clean of Rose's symptoms. "Well he did say he was clean. Where's your faith in people, Cameron?"
She turned on her heels and left, slamming the conference room door so hard that the white board shook.
*
"So I hear you released your heart patient today," said Wilson. He and House were on the balcony outside their offices, looking out over the hospital parking lot.
"About half an hour ago, actually," House said. "Can't say I'm sorry to get rid of them. The only thing more annoying than patients are their loved ones."
"Did you ever figure out what the deal is with those two guys?"
"One of them tried to kiss me," said House.
Wilson started laughing so hard that he nearly choked.
House glared. "It's not that funny."
"No, I just… I think it's funny that the only people who ever seem to hit on you are illegal, over eighty, or of the wrong gender…"
"Well at least he's hot," House said irritably.
Wilson laughed again. "Oh is he?"
"Shut up. You're the one who blow dries his hair, cooks, and can't seem to hold down a wife."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I just don't think you should be laughing at - hey - " House suddenly looked out over the parking lot, to the row of meters in front of the hospital. "That's them!"
Wilson peered in that direction. "There? Huh. He is hot. Kind of big ears, though."
"Not him, the other one."
"Oh. Okay, yeah. Why are they walking into a phone booth?"
"Is that what that is? It's blue. I thought it was a porta-potty."
The two of them watched Rose, Jack, and the Doctor walk into the blue box. They watched the door close behind the Doctor. And then they watched as the thing flickered and then disappeared.
House was already reaching for a Vicodin.
"So we're just going to pretend we didn't see that, right?" said Wilson.
"…right," said House.
They turned back and looked at each other, and then started walking back into the hospital.
"Hey, how about you start calling me the doctor," suggested House.
"How about the asshole?"
"The man?"
"The jerk."
"The most awesome of the awesomest ever."
"The incredibly big, unjustified ego."
"The most…"
THE END.
Author's Name: violet_quill
Recipient's name: cherryfeather
Fandom: House/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Ninth Doctor, Rose, Jack, House, Wilson, Cuddy, ducklings
Pairings: If you count innuendo, then it's Jack/everyone
Summary: Rose becomes ill, so the Doctor and Jack take her to the person most likely to help her.
Notes: Takes place between "Boomtown" and "Bad Wolf" in S1 of Doctor Who, and some time after the S3 House episode "Half-Wit." I've taken some liberties with medical details for the benefit of storytelling, so don't analyze too carefully! My undying gratitude to S for helping me remember what Nine sounds like.
Rose coughed again.
Jack glanced up from where he'd been tinkering with a section of the TARDIS controls and asked, "You okay, doll? You don't sound so good."
"She's probably just ill from you calling her doll," the Doctor said, his Northern accent still slightly thicker from their time in Scotland. He'd just stepped back inside, after taking a few minutes to 'tie up some loose ends with the natives', whatever that meant. Rose had commented that it still struck her as odd to refer to the inhabitants of 1903 Scotland as "natives." Still, probably best they got on before the Doctor made good on his promise to just "leave Jack here if he likes men in kilts so much."
"Is that so, sweet cheeks?" Jack replied with a grin, popping up to his feet. "I think we're all ready to go in any case. Where to next?"
"Someplace with a pharmacy I can pop into and get some cold meds?" Rose suggested hopefully.
"Even better!" bellowed the Doctor, taking over Jack's place at the controls. "Now, what year exactly was it that they developed the cure for the common cold…"
Jack rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, Doctor. She's a twentieth century gal. That stuff might wreck her immune system."
"Oh, you're the doctor now, are you?"
"Just as much as you!"
Rose coughed again and slumped into a chair, groaning. "I think I have a fever. Feels like the flu."
Jack shot the Doctor a murderous look.
"Hey!" the Doctor began defensively. "I've been traveling with companions for a long time. I'm very careful where I take them. There's absolutely no way she's been anywhere near someone infected with smallpox or the Spanish Flu or something."
"Smallpox?" Rose looked up, eyes widening.
"No! Definitely not Smallpox! You've got a cold, Rose. Come on, why don't you have a lie down." The Doctor steered her away, but returned a few minutes later with a worried expression on his face.
"I had the TARDIS do a bioscan," he said. "Her heartbeat's irregular and there's fluid in her lungs."
"Well we've got to get her to a doctor!" Jack looked alarmed. "Where are the best ones? I've always been fond of the cat ladies myself…"
"No… no, you were right. It's probably best not to put her in the hands of medicine too alien unless absolutely necessary. Humans evolve, even the smallest difference in her physiology could… for instance, I'd hate to see her reaction to all the stuff that was pumped into your body at birth."
"I'm practically disease-resistant," Jack said proudly.
"Well I have thirteen lives. Moving on."
"So what, you want to just take her to some random hospital? What if she's picked up something alien from traveling with you?"
"Quite right," the Doctor said, looking off to some middle place above them. "We were just in Scotland. Before that, Raxacoricofallapatorius, and she couldn't have possibly picked up anything there, she didn't even get out of the TARDIS."
"Funny how they didn't throw out the welcoming mat."
"And Cardiff, of course. Before that was the stop in Russia, which was right after we picked you up during World War II. I don't see how she could possibly have anything alien. It's probably just some perfectly normal Earth ailment."
"Yeah, except it might be an ailment more common to 1903. Or to the forties. Some early twenty-first century doc is going to give her some Aspirin for her fever and send her on her way, and meanwhile she'll be infecting everyone with Smallpox."
"It's not Smallpox!"
"Well you know what I mean. She can't just see a normal doctor, they wouldn't take into account the more unusual - " Jack paused. Then he grinned and grabbed the Doctor's shoulders. "I know just the guy!"
The Doctor frowned. "You do?"
"Yeah! I remember reading about him in a medical history text at some point - early twentieth century, right around Rose's time, he'll be the doctor to diagnose the first reported case of Spanish Flu in that century. Stories go he can diagnose anything."
"Before or after the autopsy?" the Doctor commented dryly.
Jack frowned at him. "Do you have a better idea? Maybe it is just a cold, but do you really want to take that chance?"
The Doctor glanced back in the direction where Rose was sleeping. "Okay. You're right. Where to?"
"First decade of the twenty-first century," said Jack. "Princeton. New Jersey."
"You know," said the Doctor, "I've always underestimated the staggering draw of the garden state."
*
"House!"
His cane popped up to press the "close door" button on the elevator just as Cuddy shouted his name across the hospital lobby. "I used to run track, you know," he called, watching her with some amusement as she sprinted towards him. "I could have made it in time!"
Miraculously, she did. Though it did involve sticking a hand in just before the doors closed and then shoving then open bodily with her shoulder. "Field hockey," she said, out of breath.
"Oh, very butch."
She glared at him. "Do you want a case?"
"Is that a trick question?" House's eyes flicked up to the floor numbers lighting as the elevator climbed.
"Well since you don't actually have any," Cuddy said irritably, "I thought you might be bored."
"You'd be amazed how easily I find ways to entertain myself."
The elevator stopped on four and a nurse in turquoise scrubs got on.
"They're asking for you specifically," said Cuddy, holding out a file.
House rolled his eyes. "Well, gosh. That's unusual. Do you know how many letters I get? Why do you think I taught Cameron to sign my name? I'm like the Santa Claus of diagnostics."
"Well this one didn't send you a letter. She's already here."
"Good for her."
"Admitted."
"Oh, I see. So one of your other precious doctors dropped the ball, and…"
"No, she's admitted as your patient. It's in the computer and everything. And she's in a bed as of this morning. Only no one actually remembers doing the paperwork."
The elevator stopped again and the nurse got out.
"What, so because there's some sort of computer glitch I have to take a random patient? What's wrong with her?"
"Well she presented with flu-like symptoms…" Cuddy was still holding out the file, so she jabbed him in the chest with it.
House snatched it from her. "Gosh, maybe it's the flu."
"Except shortly after she got here, her heart stopped."
That was enough to get House to open the file.
"And she's only nineteen."
That was enough to get him to read it.
"If it's progressed far enough, certain strains of flu can present with - "
"Yes, I realize that," Cuddy said impatiently. "And you're probably right, it probably is the flu. But I've got to have someone confirm that and it might as well be you. Her, uh… companions are very adamant that you see her."
House lifted an eyebrow. "There, that. The way you just said companions. Like there's something fishy about them."
Cuddy scratched the back of her neck. "Fishy?"
"Yeah, like maybe they're a lesbian voodoo cult or something."
Cuddy rolled her eyes. "House, if they were a lesbian voodoo cult, that's the first thing I would have mentioned to you."
He grinned. "Good girl." He glanced back down at the chart. "Okay, fine. But if it turns out to be flu, I'm not doing clinic duty for a week."
"Two days."
"Four days."
"Three."
"Deal."
*
Cameron's eyes lit up as soon as she saw House start scrawling symptoms on the white board. "We've got a new patient?"
"You betcha!" House mocked, affecting an exaggeration of her higher pitched voice. "It's just like Christmas, except with heart palpitations and vomiting! Oh goody!"
Looking slightly deflated, Cameron glanced at the set of symptoms and suggested, "…Lupus?"
House threw up his hands, his cane clattering to the floor. "Why do I even bother? Do I need a team anymore? I could hire some actors for this job. You there - " He pointed at Foreman. "You just disagree with everything I say. And you - " At Cameron. "You suggest Lupus. And you - " He paused when he got to Chase. "I don't know. You sit there and look pretty until you occasionally come up with a right answer."
Chase actually looked pleased at that. But before Cameron or Foreman could protest, someone else chimed in from the doorway, "Funny, usually it's my job to sit somewhere and look pretty."
Jack Harkness was leaning against the doorframe, with the Doctor standing behind him.
House rolled his eyes. "Sorry, position's filled. Can I help you?"
Cameron was sitting closest to the door, so when Jack stepped inside, she was first in the line of fire. "Captain Jack Harkness," he said smoothly, offering her his hand and giving her a look that was somehow both charming and scandalous at the same time.
"Stop that," the Doctor snapped, stepping in behind him.
"What? I was just - "
The Doctor pushed past him and walked over to House. "I understand that you've taken on Rose Tyler's case."
"Is that her name?" House glanced down at the chart.
"Yes."
"So then you two must be the…" House looked at Jack and back to the Doctor, skepticism evident. "Companions."
"No," said the Doctor. "Jack and Rose are my companions. I am - "
"That's right," said Jack, walking up to them, and he gave House pretty much the exact same once-over that he'd just given to Cameron. "Captain Jack Harkness," he purred. "I've heard a lot about you."
"Jack," warned the Doctor.
House just stared. "Is this guy for real?"
"Unfortunately, yes," said the Doctor. "But don't hold it against him."
"And you are?" House sighed.
"Captain Ja - "
"Got that, thanks," House said irritably. "Him."
"I'm the Doctor."
"The doctor."
"Yes."
House pointed at himself. "A doctor." And then pointed at the other man. "The doctor."
The Doctor looked impatient. "Yes."
"Like the butcher, the baker, the candlestick - "
"Is there anything I can do to force this information more quickly into your thick ape-like skull so that we can move on?"
"Nah, I think I've got it. Now unless you have anything relevant to add to your companion's medical history, Mister The Doctor, then we have work to do." He picked up the whiteboard marker and brandished it menacingly.
Jack nudged the Doctor with his elbow. "I like him."
Chase snorted from the conference table.
"You would. Probably fancy them all." The Doctor started back towards the door. "If there's any news, we'll be in the coffee shop."
"Right," said Jack with a grin, and winked at Cameron as he passed. "Coffee. You know, if you're not busy later - " His eyes started to drift to Chase, but the Doctor grabbed his arm.
"Stop that," he snapped, and practically yanked Jack out of the room.
Cameron looked after them, and then turned back to House, blinking. "Well that was interesting."
"That was… weird," Foreman agreed, looking out at the pair as they retreated down the hallway. "The doctor? And a captain? What's he a captain of?"
"Captain of lame," Chase muttered, sinking a little in his chair.
"Oh, snap," said Foreman dryly, and rolled his eyes.
"Well look at that," House mocked, walking over to the table and stopping in front of Chase. "Our little wombat is feeling unloved."
"House, that's not - "
"What's wrong, are you intimidated?"
"Shut up."
"Don't worry," House said condescendingly, as he reached over and grabbed the pad of post-its beside Cameron's folder. He scrawled something on it and then peeled up the top one and stuck it to Chase's forehead.
In large, clear letters, it read: STILL THE PRETTIEST.
*
"I think he's sexy," said Jack. "I think it's the voice. And those hands. Did you see his hands?"
"Oh, for god's sake," the Doctor muttered. "Rose is sick. Remember? We did not come here to date."
"He doesn't strike me as the dating type anyway," Jack said cheerfully. "More the pull you into an empty examining room and bend you over a counter type."
The Doctor made a face and straightened the cuffs on his leather jacket. "Let's pretend for a moment that you're a normal person, shall we? And take his sex appeal out of the equation. How does he seem as, oh, say, a doctor?"
"More useful than you've been so far," Jack said with a shrug. "Trust me on this one. The guy's brilliant. Hey, maybe that's what's so - "
The Doctor cut him off. "Found the new strain of the Spanish Flu, you say?"
Jack nodded. "He will."
They reached the counter, and Jack flirted with the barrista before ordering a black coffee. The Doctor asked for a banana.
"God, you're so repressed," Jack muttered, rolling his eyes. "You think I'm the one with a problem, but you and your bananas…"
"What?" asked the Doctor as if he hadn't heard. He dug around in his jacket pocket for change.
"Oh. Nothing."
*
After House sent off Foreman and Chase to run various tests to rule out most types of the flu on their patient, Cameron was the only one left in the conference room with him. "Well?" she asked. "What about me?"
"You remember when you thought I had brain cancer?"
She frowned. "Strangely enough, I do."
"Remember that little trick with the kiss and the syringe?"
She didn't look happy with where this was going. "Yes…"
"I want you to do that on Captain Jack. Get some blood, run every STD test known to man."
Cameron crossed her arms over her chest. "Why don't we just ask him for a blood sample?"
"Because he might say no?"
"Well why don't we ask Rose if she's slept with him? She's a little out of it from the fever, but she can probably still…"
"She'd just lie," House said. "And besides, it's a pretty pointless question. You met that guy. He's probably slept with everything with a zip code and a hole."
Cameron made a face.
"Oh, don't act like it's such a hardship. He's cute. Now go."
"It didn't work on you," she pointed out.
"I'm smart," House said. "And immune to your feminine wiles."
"Uh huh."
"Go."
She went.
*
Rose had spent most of her time in the hospital bed so far sleeping or completely out of it from the fever. When House came by to see her for the first time, she was somewhere in between.
"Hi," he said, limping over to her. "I'm Doctor House. So are you fucking both of them or just Captain Lame?"
Rose blinked up at him. "Are you my mummy?"
House rolled his eyes and checked the level of her medication. "You're not even doped up, you're just tired and slightly delusional," he said. "I don't mind waiting. I brought a book." He pulled out a copy of Lesbian Prison Stories IV and hooked his cane around the leg of a chair, pulling it over to him.
He sank down into it. "So any time you want to tell me why you think you might be sick, just speak up."
"Sick?" she murmured, turning her head. "I really don't want to be stretched out on a frame. Moisturize me, moisturize me, what sort of life is that?"
House sighed and started to read.
A few minutes later, the Doctor stood in the doorway, frowning. "Hard at work are you?"
House yawned a little and looked up at him. "I sent my minions off to do the real work." He wondered if the Doctor being alone meant that Cameron had gotten to Jack. "I'm just waiting to see if your friend has anything useful to offer."
"Is there anything I can tell you?"
"Probably not," said House. "Everybody lies, anyway. Nice travel itinerary, though."
"That's what we do."
House grabbed Rose's chart and read off of the medical history. "London, Russia, Cardiff, Scotland…"
"That's correct."
"Well, I haven't heard of any outbreaks of any interesting strains of flu in any of those places lately," said House.
"Lately?" The Doctor affected a look of innocence that he didn't pull off well.
House started to respond, but was interrupted by Jack entering the room. "You sent your underling to seduce me!" he accused, pointing a finger at House.
House rolled his eyes. "You would have rather I sent all of them?"
Jack blinked, and then the corner of his mouth quirked up a little. "Well, now that you mention it…"
"Oh, please," the Doctor said irritably. But then he looked over at House, his head inclined slightly in confusion. "Excuse me, but how is sending a doctor to snog Jack helping Rose?"
"She was supposed to get a blood sample," said House.
"A blood… because you… oh, fantastic." The Doctor looked really annoyed now. "She hasn't caught something from Jack. She's just sick. Now is there anything that I can possibly do to get you to do your bloody job and fix her?"
"Hey," said House defensively, "I start with the most plausible and work my way down. After meeting Jack, that seemed highly plausible."
"She didn't catch anything from me because I don't have anything," Jack said, his former charming demeanor having regressed into something resembling petulance. "Go ahead, test my blood if you - "
"No, don't," the Doctor blurted.
"Why not?" asked House suspiciously.
"Because it's… not necessary," Jack said, casting his eyes down when the Doctor gave him a chastising face. "Look. Can't we just find out if it's something else first? I always figured it was just some sort of cold, what with all her trampling around in the mud in those barns in…"
House spun and looked at him harshly. "Barns? What barns?"
"In Scotland. We were there last, it was - "
House turned his ire back to the Doctor. "No, no, no, you said nothing about the countryside. All those places you gave me - London, Cardiff, that city in Russia, the area of Scotland - all commercial areas. All cities. Even in Scotland. Commercial, I double-checked."
"Not in 1903 it wasn't," Jack muttered.
"What?"
"Yes," the Doctor snapped, "we might have done some traveling in the country. As if that makes a difference."
"It could," House returned, equally irritable, and glanced up to Rose's heart monitor again. "I had this one theory…" He flipped open his cell phone. "Foreman. You've probably already done some of these tests. For the ones you haven't, do them now. And get the results to me ASAP in the conference room. I need a CBC count, checking for an elevated erythrocyte sedimentation rate, a rheumatologic screening, and a test for elevated cardiac enzymes as well as serum viral antibody titers. And get another ECG."
He closed the phone, obviously without giving the person on the other end a chance to respond. "Well I've got to go do my job now," he said. "Stay here, I'll be back if this pans out."
Remarkably, neither the Doctor nor Jack argued with that. Maybe because they were too busy looking annoyed with each other.
*
"Well," said Foreman, handing House a stack of test results. "Looks like you were right. Myocarditis. And a pretty nasty case, too."
Cameron rubbed her temples. "What on earth made you think of that? Even with the heart issue, it's so rare, and most prominent among older men…"
"Yeah, but it's also usually caused by a viral infection," said House.
"Which we already ruled out," Cameron added.
"Right. But this time it wasn't. It was fungal. Actinomycosis probably. I ruled out that kind of fungus before because her stupid companions said they'd only been in urban areas in the last few months."
"Since when do you listen to what people say?" Chase asked.
House just shot him a dirty look. "Start her on an intravenous anti-fungal, an ACE inhibitor, and get another - "
He was cut off by the Doctor and Jack bounding into the room. "Myocarditis," Jack blurted. "That's her heart. People die from that."
House just looked at them in disbelief for a second. "What, were you listening at the door?"
"No." Jack looked insulted. "I planted a bug." He walked past House and plucked a small silver disk from the top of the white board.
"Hey!" Foreman jumped to his feet. "You can't - "
"Oh, calm down, it's gone now," said the Doctor. "Now would someone please just tell us what's going on with Rose?"
"You're not supposed to be in here," Chase said irritably.
"Oh, shut up, Chase," said House, and turned, lifting his cane and poking the Doctor once in the chest. "Look. I'm going to tell you what's wrong with her, I'm going to tell you how we're going to fix it, and then you're going to go wait and get the hell out of my way. Okay?"
The Doctor just stared at the tip of the cane for a second, as if he couldn't possibly believed that someone had dared to poke him. But then he took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a second as if centering himself, and said, "Agreed."
Jack rolled his eyes and sank into the free chair at the conference table beside Cameron, kicking his feet up onto the table. Cameron's cheeks tinged slightly pink, and Chase slumped farther down in his chair.
"Myocarditis," said House, "is an inflammation of the muscular part of the - "
"He already knows this," Jack said. "The Doctor knows everything."
"Well he didn't know the difference between flu symptoms and Myocarditis now did he?" House snapped. "Now shut up and let me talk. As I was saying, an inflammation of the muscular part of the heart. It's usually caused by a viral infection, which is why it presents with flu-like symptoms. In your friend, we ruled out most viruses early, and I didn't consider other sources of Myocarditis right away because most of them don't cause flu-like symptoms. But some of the more obscure fungal sources do. And if she's been in a place where she might contract them - like, I don't know, slopping around in muddy barns in Scotland - then that suddenly made a lot more sense."
"So she got a fungus that screwed up her heart?" Jack clarified. "Ew."
House rolled his eyes. "Anyway, we've got her on an anti-fungal treatment, and the ECG indicated that we caught it early enough that the inflammation shouldn't cause any permanent damage. A few days on various medications will take care of it, no surgery necessary."
"So… she's going to be fine," the Doctor said cautiously.
"Yes," House sighed, sounding exasperated. "She's going to be fine."
"And she doesn't have the Spanish Flu or anything?" Jack piped in.
"No. The Spanish Flu? What is with you guys?"
"Just something to think on," Jack said with a wink.
House gave him a look like he'd gone insane, and then just shook his head. "There. Now go. She'll be here for a few days, so get yourselves a hotel room or something."
Jack got to his feet and looked like he was about to argue, but the Doctor stopped him. "Not a bad idea. I think we're parked on a meter."
Jack lifted an eyebrow, but then just shrugged. "Well," he said, "I for one had complete faith in you guys." He leaned down, took Cameron's face between his hands, and kissed her squarely on the mouth. She blinked in surprise at him.
Then he strode across the room and reached out towards House.
"Don't even think about it," House warned. "Or I will shove this cane - "
Jack laughed and held up his hands. "Okay, okay! Well, thanks anyway." Then he jerked his head towards the door. "Ready, Doctor?"
"Here," said the Doctor. "High in potassium." And he handed House a banana before walking out of the conference room with Jack.
Once they were gone, Foreman and Chase went off to start Rose's treatment, but Cameron lingered behind. "Um. House?"
He was already unscrewing the top of the Vicodin bottle. "Yes?"
"So, uh, about that blood sample from Harkness…"
House shrugged before popping a pill into his mouth and swallowing. "Unless you've noticed any other symptoms, there's really no reason to run it."
Cameron cleared her throat. "I was thinking we should anyway."
House just looked at her for a moment. "You didn't."
Her lips set in a straight line. "I don't know what you're talking about."
He laughed. "You did! Christ, Cameron. I sent you to kiss him and you just couldn't keep your clothes on?"
Her cheeks colored. "I did not say that. Oh…. Nevermind. Forget it."
House snorted. "Fine, run some tests if you want. I would if I were you."
"Fine. Can I have the sample?" she asked tightly.
"Why are you asking me?"
"I put it in the test tube holder in the lab but it's not there anymore. I assumed you'd taken it."
"Nope. I'm apparently the only one who doesn't want anywhere near his bodily fluids."
Cameron looked pained. "Oh. I…"
House rolled his eyes and turned back to the white board, grabbing the eraser to wipe it clean of Rose's symptoms. "Well he did say he was clean. Where's your faith in people, Cameron?"
She turned on her heels and left, slamming the conference room door so hard that the white board shook.
*
"So I hear you released your heart patient today," said Wilson. He and House were on the balcony outside their offices, looking out over the hospital parking lot.
"About half an hour ago, actually," House said. "Can't say I'm sorry to get rid of them. The only thing more annoying than patients are their loved ones."
"Did you ever figure out what the deal is with those two guys?"
"One of them tried to kiss me," said House.
Wilson started laughing so hard that he nearly choked.
House glared. "It's not that funny."
"No, I just… I think it's funny that the only people who ever seem to hit on you are illegal, over eighty, or of the wrong gender…"
"Well at least he's hot," House said irritably.
Wilson laughed again. "Oh is he?"
"Shut up. You're the one who blow dries his hair, cooks, and can't seem to hold down a wife."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I just don't think you should be laughing at - hey - " House suddenly looked out over the parking lot, to the row of meters in front of the hospital. "That's them!"
Wilson peered in that direction. "There? Huh. He is hot. Kind of big ears, though."
"Not him, the other one."
"Oh. Okay, yeah. Why are they walking into a phone booth?"
"Is that what that is? It's blue. I thought it was a porta-potty."
The two of them watched Rose, Jack, and the Doctor walk into the blue box. They watched the door close behind the Doctor. And then they watched as the thing flickered and then disappeared.
House was already reaching for a Vicodin.
"So we're just going to pretend we didn't see that, right?" said Wilson.
"…right," said House.
They turned back and looked at each other, and then started walking back into the hospital.
"Hey, how about you start calling me the doctor," suggested House.
"How about the asshole?"
"The man?"
"The jerk."
"The most awesome of the awesomest ever."
"The incredibly big, unjustified ego."
"The most…"
THE END.