three days in a row
Title: three days in a row
Author: dutch_ chick aka Jenny
Rated: NC-17
Word Count: 10.328
Pairing: Jared/ Jensen
Disclaimer: This is not real.
Genre: au
Summary: Jensen is heart broken when he is left by his fiancee. Then he meets a stranger... how much can change in three days?
Beta: ]cowboyangel and
letsgetstarted who are my hero's.
It was supposed to be a beautiful day in July. They were suppose to stand in the garden underneath a tree. It was supposed to be a small ceremony in front of a small group of family and friends.
Jensen had seen it all in his mind’s eye before asking Danneel.
Danneel had gone crazy. No, really, like you see on those TV shows called brides from hell, crazy. Planning the wedding. And yes they planned it on a day in July.
It was pouring big wet raindrops soaking the 500 guests Danneel had invited. Jensen searched the guests looking for Danneel. He was standing at the altar, his best man Chris holding an umbrella to keep Jensen dry. Danneel was supposed to be walking down the aisle - the quartet they hired started playing ´here comes the bride´ for the third time.
She didn´t show up.
Four months later.
Jensen glares around his house, which was filled with people. He recognized no-one since everyone was wearing masks and such. Really he didn’t want to recognize anyone. He just wanted to get through this evening without interacting too much. It was bad enough that Chris and Steve forced this party on him. It was All Hallows Eve and Chris wanted to throw a party, when Jensen refused to go Chris just brought the party to him. It was a freaking costume party and Jensen hated it.
All he could think about was how he wanted to go back to bed and lay down on Danneel’s pillow that still smells like her.
Jensen shakes his head, Chris and Steve were trying to help him over it. But it was all too soon. Jensen was making it in his own time. Sure they had to drag him out of his bed after two months, forcing him to go back to work. Yes Jensen wasn’t afraid to admit that he might need a little push. But right now he had had enough of all the god damn pushing.
Jensen was deep in thought when a woman dressed like a cat comes walking towards him. She tries to purr at him and Jensen groans internally. He gives her a bored look and then walks away. He knows it’s rude, but right now he doesn’t care.
“Here, you look like you could use this.”
Jensen looks up at the man standing in front of him holding out a beer. He was tall, like insane tall. Jensen's eyes travel up that body scanning over tight black jeans, a bright red button down only to stop at a masked face. The guy smiles and Jensen can see dimples appear in his cheeks.
Stupid Zorro like mask.
Jensen takes the beer and drinks it in two gulps the guy does the same. Jensen makes a face he hates keg beer.
“You look like you don’t want to be here,” the guy says his voice a bit rough from the alcohol.
Jensen shrugs, “Not really in the partying mood,” he answers in a monotone voice.
The guy just shrugs. Jensen figures that either the guy knew who he was or he didn’t and just accepted that it was none of his business.
“It’s your house isn’t it?”
This time Jensen shrugs, a bit surprised about the guy's reaction. The guy knew who he was but still acted, well, normal. The whole thing between him and Danneel had been in the media a lot since he was about to star in a big movie. He was surprised that the guy just ignored Jensen’s opening and didn’t remark on it. He didn’t even look sympathetic.
“Huh you know who I am?”
The guys just gives Jensen a big dimples smile, “Really? You’re just wearing fangs and a cape. It’s not much of a disguise Jensen.”
Jensen gives the stranger a little smile.
“Oh god, Jensen was that a smile? Really, rumors are you forgot how to do that, but here it is. Jensen Ackles smiling!”
Jensen looks at the guy suspiciously, “Who are you anyway?”
“Can't you see?” the guy asks, smiling, pointing at his clothes, “I’m the Devil.”
Jensen thinks that he wouldn’t mind hanging with this guy some more. At least he wasn’t trying to comfort Jensen like his friends had been trying. And he was nothing at all like the slutty girls that kept offering sex to get over Danneel.
“So mister Devil what are you doing here?”
“Well mister Ackles I was sent here, you obviously don’t belong here.”
Jensen frowns, “You really stay in character don’t you?”
The guy just nods and takes Jensen's hand leading him to the dance floor. Jensen feels weird for the first few steps, he never danced with a guy before. Well sure he goofed around with Chris, but didn’t dance seriously like this. The guy’s arms wrap around his waist and his arms automatically sneak around the guy’s neck. It feels weirdly intimate, Jensen feels heat pool in his stomach.
The guy nuzzles Jensen neck pulling back a little, “You shouldn’t think so much,” his mouth curves up into a sarcastic smile, “you might hurt yourself.”
Jensen pulls away from his touch and just walks away. Before he’s out of hearing range however he says, “No more than I already do.”
He sneaks a look back at the guy expecting him to look maybe a bit disappointed but the guy is just standing there waving at him a knowing smile on his lips. It only made him more mysterious.
Later that night Jensen was still glaring at everyone and everything that crossed his path. Chris comes to stand next to him at some point.
“Hey Jensen, how are you doing?” Chris asks.
Jensen just glares at him. He wants to scream, ‘How the hell do you think I’m doing? The girl I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with left me! At the altar.’ But he doesn’t. Instead he just walks out of his house. He needed some air, some space. Jensen just wanted to be left alone, why didn’t anyone understand that?
Today would have been his four month anniversary, this should have been a party for him and Danneel. Jensen sighs, he should have been part of the people partying.
“If only,” Jensen sighs looking at the moon.
“If only the moon was the sun it’d be day right now.”
Jensen spins around seeing a familiar face. Well a partly familiar face since half of it was covered by a mask. It was that guy from before, it was the Devil.
“What are you doing here? Are you trying to cheer me up? Because really, it won’t work. My heart is ripped into a million pieces and it will never heal again,” Jensen sighs.
The guys gives him a long stern look, “Let me get my violin to play some sad music to go with your self-pity.”
Jensen glares at him and the guy just shakes his head.
“I meant what I said about taking you away,” he says taking Jensen hand again.
He pulls Jensen towards a park near his house. Jensen follows feeling a little silly being dragged by the arm for the second time this evening. When the guy stops at the beginning of the park Jensen looks at him questioning.
“Let’s just walk, you and me,” the guy says in the most steady voice Jensen has ever heard.
Jensen imagines that if Angels did exist they would sound like this calm and steady. They start walking and after a while Jensen finds himself telling the stranger things. Things he would have never told anyone.
“They keep asking me if I am gay. She kept asking me. In the end she just left me a note. A note on our wedding day. Saying that she was hoping I would stop this charade, but since I wasn’t manning up she would.”
The guy just listens and nods.
“I mean, she left me because she thinks I’m gay,” Jensen says standing still to look at the guy.
The guy’s expression didn’t betray anything. He had the most neutral look Jensen had ever seen.
“I didn’t tell anyone this. I mean if rumors got out that I might be gay. It would ruin my career.”
“So you were going to marry her for your career?” the guy asks.
Jensen looks long and hard at him. He didn’t know how to read this guy. Normally Jensen never had trouble reading people, but this guy kept his emotions well hidden. If he had any.
“No! of course not!”
The guy nods, “But you are gay.”
“I loved her!”Jensen squeaks.
The guy gives Jensen a small all knowing smile, “That wasn’t the question,” he says and they continue walking.
“Danneel was perfect. Really she was beautiful and loving, I could really see me marrying her and having a couple of kids. Sure there were some down sides of our relationship, we didn’t see each other that much really,” Jensen continues.
He thinks about it. At the time it hadn’t really bothered him that he didn’t see Danneel much. She had been the one always complaining. He was perfectly happy. He was secure enough that she wouldn’t cheat on him and they talked on the phone almost every night. Jensen hadn’t really felt the need to see her every day.
“I really wanted to marry her,” Jensen says softly.
The guy’s fingers find his chin and pushes Jensen head back. His eyes meet hazel ones full of understanding.
“Hey big boys don’t cry remember,” his big thumb stroking Jensen’s cheek.
Jensen closes his eyes leaning into the touch a little. It offered Jensen more comfort than all the things his friends had tried.
Then the guy steps away and sits down on a nearby bench. Jensen follows his example flopping down next to him.
Jensen sits there for a while taking in the scenery. It was a beautiful clear night the full moon hung high in the sky with a few grey clouds surrounding it. It was a light night, you could easily see where you were going even without a lamp.
“I waited more than a month to tell her I loved her you know. Even though I loved her all along.”
The guy just looks at him with a hint of sadness in his eyes. He never noticed a guy’s eyes like that before. Maybe it was because the rest of his face was mostly covered.
“I can’t help but wonder why she did it you know,” Jensen says looking down at the ground, “I mean if she wanted to leave me why wait until I was standing at the altar?”
The guy stands up, “Let’s go back,” he says taking Jensen's hand again.
When they come back to the house the party is still going on. Jensen catches Chris’ eye and Chris nods then notices the guy holding Jensen’s hand and raises one eyebrow. Jensen lets go of the hand and smiles feeling a blush creep up his cheeks. He didn’t know what had gotten into him, but he wanted to go somewhere quiet so that he could talk to this guy. He wanted to know who he was. He takes the lead and lets the guy follow him to his bedroom up the stairs.
Jensen sits down on the bed looking at the guy, “Who are you?” he asks him for the second time that evening.
The guy just smiles crawling up Jensen's bed and lying down on his back, “Who are you?”
Jensen frowns at him. The guy knew who Jensen was so it was kind of a stupid question. Or rather a really stupid way to avoid Jensen’s question. The guy lays there while Jensen thinks things over. He wondered why the guy was spending so much time with him. It wasn’t like he was buckets of fun and downstairs there was a party going on. Sure the guy could find someone there who was willing to do whatever the guy wanted.
Jensen hears the bed rustle as he keeps staring at a spot on the wall. He really needed to re-paint this room.
“You can lay down with me, I promise I won’t try anything,” Jensen’s gaze snaps back at the guy.
He feels shock and a tiny exited tingle as the guy smiles brightly at him.
“Are you gay?” he asks and really Jensen doesn’t know where that question is coming from. It’s not like he’s homophobic, or interested. He couldn’t care less really and still he asks.
The guys shrugs, “I don’t believe in hetero or homo really. You don’t fall in love with a body do you? Well you’re attracted to it at first but you fall in love with the person in it. The body I mean. You fall in love with a soul.”
Jensen lets himself fall back onto the bed so that he is lying)next to the guy, “Yeah maybe, but the sex must be uncomfortable.”
The guy chuckles, “Okay so maybe a body is part of it. So I guess I’m bi.”
They lay there for a while without talking. Jensen feels himself drifting to sleep. He was tired, he hadn’t had a good night sleep in four months and he was so comfortable right now. He lets his eyes fall close.
“It’s almost midnight,” the guys says his voice deeper than it was before.
Jensen opens one eye and is met by the guy’s masked face, “You know Cinderella had to leave at midnight. Is your dress going to change into a rag?” he jokes.
The guy gives him a small smile, “I’m not really Cinderella.”
Jensen turns so that he is facing the guy. He really had warm eyes, the deep brown in them radiated love and comfort. It was almost like looking into a sad puppy’s eyes, without the dog breath. Jensen breathed in deeply, he was so tired.
The next morning Jensen wakes up alone. He blinks a couple of times at the empty spot next to him wondering if he dreamed the whole thing. Then he sees a small note on top of the pillow.
He smiles, but is disappointed when he folds it open.
Jensen,
Don’t dwell on the past too much, maybe you should live a little.
J.
When Jensen enters the kitchen a few moments later he was still feeling a bit strange. He'd never felt this way before, maybe it was because he thought he really could be friends with the guy. Yeah, he was disappointed that he never was going to see him again because of that.
“Morning,” Chris says from a bowl of cereal.
Jensen just glares at him. He hadn’t forgotten what Chris did to him. Inviting people over having a freaking Halloween party without his consent. God Jensen didn’t even want to know how the rest of his house looked. He just wanted to get something to eat and go back to his room. Chris could deal with the mess.
“So looked like you had fun tonight,” Chris states looking at Jensen.
“What do you mean?”
Chris shrugs, “You spent half the night with some guy and I saw lover boy leave your room this morning.”
Jensen looks at his friend in surprise. He assumed that the guy left as soon as Jensen fell asleep. The fact that he didn’t made Jensen feel a little bit better.
“Did you invite him?” Jensen asks, maybe Chris knew who this guy was.
Chris shakes his head. Jensen grunts, he can’t seem to get a break.
“So did you guys uh,” Chris asks.
Jensen shakes his head, “No of course not!”
Chris shrugs again, “It’s not like I would care if you did. Man I would even be happy for you.”
Jensen just glares at him some more. Why does everyone think he is gay?
Then he thinks back at what the guy said. About falling in love with a soul and not a body. And truth be told, that made sense.
Day one
It’s early January and Jensen is still mourning. He hasn’t left the house much. His friends stopped by every weekend. Jensen figured out their schedule, this Saturday it’s Tom’s turn to check up on him. It annoys him beyond words that his friends are treating him like a baby. He was fine most of the time.
Okay maybe he stopped hanging out with his friends, but that was just because he hasn’t really been in the mood to just hang out. He was still getting used to his life without Danneel. Hell it was normal for him to have some adjustment issues, he was suppose to be married by now.
Thing is, it scared him how much being alone hadn’t bothered him. Well not really. Yes he was hurt when he thought about what Danneel had done to him, but her not being around all the time was like normal every day business. It wasn’t like they spent every day together when they were still a couple. They both worked too much for that and always in different places.
It didn’t mean that Jensen wasn’t heartbroken or upset. 'Cause he was. He loved Danneel and he still couldn’t believe she would do that to him.
So here he was sitting at home thinking all this over.
It was Friday so tomorrow he had the day off. He was currently shooting a movie in which he played a single dad falling in love. It wasn’t really the best movie he had ever made, but it paid the bills nonetheless.
Jensen was enjoying some peace and quiet. He had ordered himself a pizza and he was about to watch a dvd.
The bell rang and Jensen grabbed the money he had ready and walked to the door. Opening it with pizza on his mind.
He is greeted by familiar brown hair and a dimply smile, “Hi Jensen.”
Jensen blinks, rubs his eyes and blinks again. No the guy was still standing there holding two pizza boxes. Jensen order just one pizza so why would he have two?
“I figured you could use some company,” the guy says.
Jensen lets his eyes travel up and down the body before him. He remembers the guy, he was at the Halloween party a couple of months ago. The two of them had clicked on some level and then Jensen managed to fall asleep in the same bed as the guy. To be honest it still was the best he'd slept in ages and Jensen was longing to have a good nights sleep like that again. But that was beside the point.
The guy was standing here, in front of his house telling him that he needed company. The last thing he needed was that, he wanted to have some alone time. He thinks back to what he has done the last couple of days, well some more alone time.
The guy pushes Jensen aside after a while and Jensen realizes he still hasn’t spoken.
“W-what are you doing here?’ it wasn’t really the question he wanted to ask but it was close enough.
The guy smiles at Jensen again and this time Jensen is hit by it full force. He wasn’t wearing a mask anymore so Jensen could see his whole face. Could see how it brightens when he smiles like that. He look at the guy's face some more. It was an average male face, except for the cute nose and the little mole beside it. Oh yeah and his eyes. Those beautiful hazel eyes, not that Jensen would really call them beautiful, well not out loud anyway.
The guy walks into the living room and takes a seat on the couch. Jensen follows him mentally shrugging. It isn’t like he can kick the guy out now, and if he wanted to steal anything he could have done it at the party, when Jensen was asleep.
“You work at the pizza place?” Jensen questions.
The guys gives Jensen a shy smile, “No not really.”
“Are you a stalker?” He asks still not sitting down, just kind of standing in front of the guy.
This time the guys lets out a full body laugh, throwing his head back and clapping one hand on his knee. Jensen can’t help the small smile forming on his own lips and the tingle he feels in his stomach. What? The guys has a contagious laugh that’s all.
“Eh, really dude this is kind of strange,” Jensen whispers looking down at the floor.
The guy laughs again, “Well actually it isn’t the strangest thing I’ve done.”
Jensen looks up feeling his cheek burn as he meets the guys gaze. The guy gives him another shy smile.
Jensen shakes his head, “I’m afraid to ask. No really what are you doing here?”
The smile fades from the guy's face and he gives Jensen a stern serious look, “You need company.”
“What? No way! My friends come by every day and,” Jensen rubs his neck looking down again, he feels like he’s lying, “I really don’t need company I’m fine.”
Jensen feels a hand on his arm and then someone is pulling his hand down. He looks up frowning and sees the guy standing in front of him, right inside his personal bubble.
“You’re not fine. If you slip down any further you’ll end up on antidepressants or having a nervous breakdown.”
Jensen feels a little stab of anger, who was this guy telling him how he feels. But he can’t really get angry. He hasn’t been feeling like himself lately, it’s true. Jensen still thinks time will heal all wounds, and he will get over Danneel eventually.
“It isn’t about getting over Danneel, well not really,” the guy says like he’s been reading Jensen's mind.
Jensen just looks at the guy with questioning eyes and the guy just shrugs, “You stopped living.”
“My girlfriend dumped me, I’m mourning!” Jensen shouts.
The guy shrugs again, “Before that. You just didn’t seem alive.”
Jensen glares at the guy. What the hell does the other man want from him? Jensen feels annoyed and strangely excited. Jensen hadn’t really been feeling alive, he just figured that it would go away eventually. He and Danneel would get married and then live happily ever after. Jensen had been content with that idea. But yeah he hasn’t felt alive for a long time.
Thing is he doesn’t know what to do with that realization so he gets angry.
“You- you have no right to come in my house and say that shit,” Jensen says trying to push the guy away.
The guy takes his hands and gives him a long stern look. Jensen feels the anger drain from him. Which leads him to feel slightly annoyed. He frowns at the guy.
“Why are you here,” he asks again.
The guy gives him a small smile, “Remember that night in October? You felt the same connection as me right? You liked me.”
Jensen nods slowly, the guy was right. He did feel something that night. He had written it off as too much alcohol and a sleep clouded mind. But now that the guy was here in front of him Jensen must admit that the guy had some special effect on him. Maybe they could be friends. But still, that wasn’t a good reason to search out a complete stranger.
“It remains strange.”
The guy smiles again, “No really,” he shrugs, “it’s just, it’s been almost six months and you just. Well you seem miserable.”
Jensen wonders for a long time how the hell the guy knows these things, “You sure you’re not a stalker?” he asks because he really believed that he has done a good job hiding his feelings in public.
The guy just shrugs again walking over to the pizza boxes that are on the salon table, “If you really want me to go just say the word. For now let’s just eat.”
Jensen glares at the guy one more time and then just sits down.
Both of them lean back on the couch after they’ve finished their pizza. Jensen sneaks a peak at the guy next to him. Then he realizes how weird it is to keep thinking about him as that guy.
“What’s your name?” he asks softly.
The guy looks at him through his bangs, “Jay,” he speaks softly like it’s a secret.
“Jay,” Jensen tries the name and decides he likes it.
“Why were you there that night?” Jensen asks, he wonders if Jay was there only for him. The thought excites him for some reason.
“I was there with a friend, he knew Chris. I know you from some movies and wanted to meet you. When we first talked you radiated I don’t know sadness maybe? And then later when we talked, well I got to know more about your personal life and yeah. And we did hit it off right away.”
“As friends,” Jensen adds.
Jay looks like he wants to object but then just says, “Yeah like friends.”
It is almost dark when Jensen wakes up. He doesn’t really remember falling asleep, one minute he was watching some TV show with Jay and the next he’s waking up on the couch. He throws off the blanket someone (probably Jay) had laid over him and looked around the room. Something was off he just didn’t know what.
A couple of minutes later Jay comes walking into the room with two steaming cups. Jensen looks at him with a mixture of grumpy and confused and Jay just smiles at him like he’s the cutest thing ever.
“I cleaned up a bit and made hot chocolate. I figured you needed your sleep,” Jared explains sitting down on the couch.
Jensen just looks at him some more. He never was talkative the first moments after he’d just woken up, right now was no different. Jay just took it in his stride and smiled brightly at him again. This time Jensen feels the corner of his mouth twitch in reaction to Jay’s smile.
“So you mind me staying a couple of days? I noticed you had a guest room and well yeah.” Jay doesn’t finish the sentence and Jensen has no idea what Jay was trying to say but he nods anyway.
He would like Jay to stay a bit. Actually the thought of him leaving right now made something constrict in this chest. He liked Jay, felt himself relax around him. Jensen didn’t even know you could have that with people you only just met but he doesn’t really care anyway. All he knows is that it feels like he hasn’t been able to breathe properly for quite some time and that Jay makes it possible for him to inhale right again.
Yeah even to himself it sounded weird.
Jensen probably had abandonment issues, even with strangers apparently. Jensen thinks that’s a good enough reason for his current behavior. And he ignored the little voice inside his head asking him that, if that was true, why he wasn’t acting the same way with Chris or Tom or the rest of his friends.
Jensen takes the hot chocolate and looks at Jay drinking his. His eyes fixed on where Jay’s lips meet the rim of the cup. The way they pout to fit against it and then the way his throat works when he swallows. When Jay puts the cup back down Jensen closes his eyes and takes big sip of his own drink.
Chris was right he has been alone too much. He needs to be around people some more. And Jay counts as people or at least a person. Jensen decides that yeah it was a good idea to let Jay stay over he would love to get to know the man better. Really one could never have too many friends, right?
“I’m thinking we could keep each other company really. I wasn’t joking before, you look like you could use it.”
Jensen nods again, “I, eh, sure,” he says not really sure how to respond he just wanted Jay to know that he was okay with him staying.
“So tell me, are you working tomorrow?” Jay asks.
Jensen shakes his head again, he had a long weekend but he wasn’t telling Jay that just yet. He needed to clear his mind first. Beside he hasn’t been able to get out more than one sentence at a time and he thinks it might stay that way for at least the rest of the day.
Right now he wanted to sit back enjoy his chocolate and watch TV. Preferably with Jay next to him. And by the sound of it he was getting his wish.
Day two
The next morning Jensen wakes up to the smell of pancakes. Jensen wonders why he let Jay stay. He realizes that letting a complete stranger stay in your house without any question is not the safest or most logical decision, but Jay being here feels so right, almost normal.
Jensen hadn’t slept much last night, but then again nor did he any night before. But he did wake up without the dreadful ache in his heart, sure it was still there but not as persistent like it was every single morning since Danneel left him. Jensen lets out a small self-deprecating chuckle rolling back on his back.
After laying there for a moment he steps out of the bed and goes downstairs finding Jay standing in his kitchen wearing the same jeans as yesterday. Jay has slept in the spare room and he looked like he had a good night sleep. At least better than Jensen had.
“Morning,” Jay grumbles.
Jensen smiles as he sits down at the kitchen table. Jay turned putting a plate with a big pile of pancakes in from of him and then moved to sit across of Jensen. Jensen lets his eyes roam over Jay’s face. He had a little stubble, so he hasn’t shaved this morning. Jensen had to admit that he thought that the 5 o'clock shadow looked good on Jay. But if Jensen was honest with himself, Jay was a handsome man no matter what.
Jay catches Jensen just when Jensen is staring at his mouth and gives the other man a shy almost seductive smile. Jensen doesn’t want to think what it does to his body.
“Don’t you have to work?” Jensen asks trying to distract from the tension between the two of them.
Jay shrugs, “I took some days off actually.”
Jensen frowns for a minute, “What kind of work do you do?”
Jay shrugs again, “It really isn’t that interesting,” he mumbles.
Well, Jensen thinks it is interesting or else he wouldn’t have asked. Jensen found Jay intriguing, the man just showed up on his doorstep and well he made Jensen feel, something. Jay stretches and his shirt rides up revealing bronzed skin, Jensen feels a flare of heat rise inside him.
Jensen leans back really looking at Jay.
Jensen never felt like this. He was never really turned on by a body. For him it was all about the act, what he was doing to a person or what that person was doing to him. But this, this flare of heat, this sudden urge to pin Jay down and, and do, do something. Well Jensen never had that with anyone. He just figured that it wasn’t for everyone, lusting like that. Maybe he had just been alone for a long time. Or maybe it was just the connection that he felt with Jay.
“Who was your first love,” Jensen asks out of no were.
Jay looks up from his pancakes shocked, “Eh,”
“You don’t have to answer,”
“Adam,” Jay answers before Jensen can continue.
“You-you told me before that you think a person falls for a soul not a body.”
Jay nods slowly.
“Well then how do you know. I mean it’s not like love at first sight. Did you never, eh, have just lust, like a one night stand.”
Jay seems to consider the question taking a sip of coffee, “Well,” he says after he swallows, “yeah, you fall in love after you really get to know the person. And yes I did have a one night stand.”
“Well how does that work. I mean you can’t just date everyone, how do you know that you could fall in love with someone?” Jensen wonders out loud.
“Well with Dave I was his friend before we fell in love. After that there was Sandy and well with her I just felt a connection from day one. So I guess, you just feel it?” Jay answers.
Jensen didn’t expect him to answer really, but yeah it did make sense. Jensen thinks about his relationship with Danneel. They were friends too, before they started dating. And then, well Jensen didn’t really know how it happened, from one day to the next they were more than friends. Jensen just thought it was normal. And before Danneel, he never really had a relationship. So that connection Jay was talking about, he had no idea what it was like.
“Why did you ask?”Jay says after a while.
Jensen shrugs, he really had no idea why he was asking all this.
“You know it isn’t bad if you’re attracted to a man, to me,” Jay whispers.
“I’m not,” Jensen begins trying to deny it then stops and thinks, “That connection you were talking about, I never had that with anyone.”
Jay’s eyebrow shoot up, “But you were about to be married?”
Jensen doesn’t answer and they eat the rest of the breakfast in silence.
“Yeah take that!” Jensen yells as he kills Jay’s character.
They have been playing mortal combat for almost half an hour now. Jensen knows that it is an old game but really nothing beats the classics. Beside Jay didn’t complain when he offered to play so Jensen figures it is all good.
Jay growls taking Jensen in a headlock before Jensen even knows what is happening. He struggles against Jay laughing. The man was really immature.
“Dude you really are a sore loser,” he mumbles against Jay’s shirt when he can’t get loose.
Jay laughs and Jensen feels the vibrations against his face. He feels his face blush and takes a deep breath in trying to prepare himself to push Jay away. When he does; his whole train of thought stops. He just smelled Jay, inhaled his scent and it did things to him. He closes his eyes inhaling again. He can almost taste Jay’s scent. It was musky and sweet and there was a hint of fabric softener. The moment Jensen realizes what he is doing he pushes away from Jay.
Jay looks at him worried. Jensen knows he must look shocked, maybe even upset. He jumps up walking, almost running towards his bedroom. He needs some time on his own.
When he lies down on his bed he inhales deeply again, all traces of Jay’s scent gone from his nose. Why would he have done that? Smelled Jay like that, get fucking turned on by it almost. He never felt the urge to do that with Danneel. The more Jensen thinks about it the more confused he gets.
He was even starting to consider, fuck, he was starting to think. What if he was gay? Could he be gay without knowing it all these years? All his friends keep hinting at it, kept asking him if he wasn’t better off with a man. Jensen had always just shrugged it off, making a joke out of it.
But shit Danneel accused him of being gay. Not that Jensen thought that being gay was something to accuse someone of. They either were or weren’t, it didn’t really matter. But Danneel made it sound accusing.
Jensen turns around violently, angry at himself. Jay was just here for one day and the man had him already wondering about his own sexuality. Jensen was a stupid fuck, if he was gay he would have known. He would know. He wouldn’t have been with a girl for so long, being heartbroken because she left him.
If he was gay, Jensen would know.
After a while there is a soft knock on the door and Jay’s head appears around the door, “I-uh, I ordered dinner. I don’t know if you’re ready but it’s here when you want it.”
Jensen looks at the man for a long time. Jay doesn’t even ask why Jensen freaked out. He just gave Jensen time and now he was just willing to let it go. Jensen sighs getting up out of the bed. He could do with something to eat.
Jay had ordered Thai and Jensen was happily surprised, he liked Thai. Jay gives Jensen a small almost shy smile as he gestures for Jensen to sit down.
It was weird, Jensen never used the kitchen table to eat. Usually he just sat on the couch in front of the TV. Jay takes a seat across from Jensen and Jensen thinks that he could get use to this.
“I’m sorry for freaking out on you just now,” Jensen says, he doesn’t want to explain but he figures that Jay deserved an apology.
Jay just shrugs shakes his head and starts eating.
“Jay?” Jensen asks after a while.
Jay looks up, he has been avoiding eye contact with Jensen during most of their meal. It surprises Jensen that his breath catches almost every single time when he looks into Jay’s eyes. It felt weird, almost intimate.
Jensen swallows blinking away the feelings that swirl through him, the confusion that fills his mind with doubt.
“I eh,” Jensen had no idea what he wanted to ask, “At the party you said I don’t know,” Jensen stops talking and thinks is over. “We have some connection.” It was a statement not a question and Jensen wonders how Jay would take it.
Jay just nods.
“But I- does that mean I’m gay”
Jay laughs out loud throwing his head back in the process.
“Friends,” he chokes out, “it could mean we’re friends. You need to be attracted to guys, to me, to be gay.”
Jensen frowns, “Well okay,” he murmurs.
Jay laughs again. Then shakes his head and starts eating.
That night Jensen can’t catch any sleep. He has spent the rest of the night with Jay in front of the TV. They had argued good naturedly over what they should watch and settled on some home improvement program. Jensen didn’t really watch the program.
Jared had said that he needed to be attracted to guys to be gay. Did it need to be multiple dudes? What if he was only attracted to Jay? Did that make him gay? Jensen frowns, he never thought that everyone was right about him. He wasn’t scared or freaked out, which he assumed most people were. He was just confused as all hell. He never felt attracted to someone like that or felt that kind of a connection. Did Danneel mean that when she said that there was something missing.
His door opens and Jay comes walking in.
“I can hear you tossing and turning in the other room,” he whispers as he moves towards Jensen’s bed.
“Let me toss and turn will you,” Jensen says smiling a bit.
The smile fades from his face as Jay lifts the sheets of his bed and moves to lie down beside him. Jensen shifts so that he is facing Jay.
“What are you doing?” he whispers feeling like he is ten again and his friend is sleeping over.
He sees Jay’s face in the dim light coming from outside waking shadows. The only thing Jensen can see clearly is Jay’s eyes, dark pools in the light of the moon. Jensen noticed that whenever Jay wasn’t smiling his eyes were serious, deep. It was weird but they seemed like two black holes filled with all kind of emotions. All fighting to be seen, not one ever taking the upperhand.
“Jay?” Jensen questions.
The other man lets out a long breath, “I’m attracted to you, I think,” Jensen says.
Jay just gives him a small smile and pulls him close. They fall asleep cuddled together.
Day three.
Jensen wakes up slowly the next morning, Jay is draped all over him. He smiles a little bit still in the haze of just waking up. He felt warm and comfortable, he felt at home. He slowly opens his eyes and is met by Jay’s smiling face. The other man looks down at him with a soft smile on his lips and affection in his eyes. Jensen never felt more loved, more wanted that he did now.
He softly places his hand on Jay’s cheek and before he can think about what he’s doing he leans in and kisses him. It’s unlike anything Jensen had ever felt before. It was like he was struck by lightning and pleasure makes its way through his body. Jay moans leaning onto Jensen pressing his body against him. Jensen had never gotten hard from just kissing but right now he was hard as a rock. Jay slowly started kissing him back, caressing his tongue over Jensen’s bottom lip trying to deepen the kiss.
Jensen hand slips from Jay’s cheek to the back of the other man’s head, pulling him closer as their tongues touch.
Jay was exploring his mouth, tasting him, taking him, owning him in a way. Jensen never imagined he could feel like this with anyone. His other hand slipped around Jay’s waist pulling him closer. It felt great having Jay on top of him. Jay’s hands were moving all over his body, like he was exploring Jensen. Trying to find every secret his body has. Jensen takes a deep breath and rolls them over. Jay lets out a surprised sound which turns into a moan as Jensen thrust their groins together. He kisses Jay’s neck, slow open mouthed kisses, letting his teeth scrape the skin. Jay underneath him writhing and moaning and Jensen never wanted to forget this. Never wants anything but this, Jay right here in his bed. Jensen starts a slow kissing trail down Jay’s body, enjoying the reaction it gets from Jay, the way he tastes.
“Jen,” Jay moans and that snaps everything back in focus for Jensen.
He rolls off with a curse. He looks at Jay, his understanding eyes, his red kissed lips. He couldn’t. Jensen felt like he was cheating on Danneel. He wasn’t ready for this. It was too much. Jensen always assumed he was straight, mostly. But what he just did with Jay was definitely not straight. If he did this now, with Jay, he would hurt the other man.
“It’s okay Jen,” Jay whispers.
Jensen rolls away from the other man so that he’s facing the wall. He doesn’t know what to say without offending Jay, he doesn’t want to hurt him or make him mad.
He feels a big hand on his shoulder, “It was just a kiss.”
Jensen feels the bed shift, knowing it is Jay moving away from him and he feels a lump form in his throat. He doesn’t want Jay to leave, but it would be unfair to have him stay here if he wants something Jensen can’t give. He has to swallow when he hears Jay get up and leave the room. Great he thinks, now he chased away the one person who made him feel good.
Jensen doesn’t really start to panic until he makes his final lap around the house. He can’t believe Jay’s really gone. After the kiss this morning Jensen didn’t know what he expected from him. Now he was afraid that he drove Jay away. That maybe he insulted the man by rejecting him. Now Jay left before Jensen could explain that it wasn’t really about Jay. It was more about Jensen himself, he was insecure and afraid and unsure of himself. He didn’t want to hurt Jay because he didn’t know what he felt.
His mind kept shifting from Jay to Danneel and back again. The hurt he had felt when Danneel left him paled compared to the blind panic he feels now.
1q``
When he finally got the courage to get out of bed he started looking for Jay right away. He started at the kitchen, were he expected Jay to be. Then he looked in the guest room were Jay had stayed the first night. And eventually his final hope was that Jay was cleaning or something But he wasn’t. He really was gone. Jensen got angry, sad, and disappointed all at once. He really didn’t know what he felt, he just knew that he wasn’t ready for Jay leaving him.
He didn’t know anything about Jay, just his first name and it frustrated him. He didn’t know his last name, age, where he lived, where he worked. How the hell was Jensen supposed to find him? He could walk out of Jensen life just as easy as he walked into it. So yeah Jensen was frustrated.
He was sitting on the couch feeling a headache come up. There is a knock on his door a moment later. Jensen looks up from the floor to stare at the door and he wonders if he’d imagined it. But then his doorbell rings, very loud, very real and a small spark of hope enters his mind. He slowly walks to the door, giving himself some time. When he opened the door all he saw was his yard and the sun high in the sky. He looked straight ahead but didn’t see anyone.
“Man you sure took your time to open the door,” Jay says.
Jensen looks in the direction of the voice and there he was leaning against the wall. Jensen feels extremely happy, a rush of energy suddenly filling him.
“Jay,” he whispers and steps towards the other man.
He wraps his arms around him and pulls him close, he was never letting go, ever again. He buries his face in Jay’s neck, breathing in the other mans scent. Jay shifts a little and Jensen looks up. Looks into those hazel colored eyes, question clear in them and he can’t resist. He leans in, brushing his lips against Jay’s. Jay moans softly and Jensen is vaguely aware of something dropping on the ground before two long arms are wrapped around him, pulling him closer.
When they pull apart Jensen opens his mouth, but he doesn’t really know what he wants to say so he closes it again. Jay just stands there smiling at him fondly; then he bends down and picks up a bag. Jensen looks at it questioning.
“I thought I would buy breakfast, didn’t want to wake you since you were up so late last night,” Jay mumbles. Then he looks up at Jensen again, “Why are you acting,” then he stops talking and smiles, “you thought I left.”
Jensen looks at him in horror. No man should look so smug. He wants to deny it but the look on Jay’s face tells him that it’s no use.
“Well what was I suppose to think? You leave without even saying goodbye. You could have left a note or something. You-you I don’t even know your last name, or your phone number!” Jensen ends the rant almost frantically.
Jay raises both eyebrows and Jensen hears the question in them without it being vocalized.
“Fuck I was just worried about, about, fuck,” Jensen lets himself fall down on the ground in front of the door.
“You’re worried about me leaving and when I come back you yell at me,” Jay questions, a smile clear in his voice.
Jay sits down next to him and starts opening the bag getting out some bagels and muffins. Jensen just looks at him accepting the muffin Jay offers him.
“Why were you worried anyway?” Jay asks after a couple of minutes in silence.
Jensen shrugs, “Because of that kiss.”
“Oh come on Jen you’re not that bad a kisser and with a bit of practice you can become really good at it,” Jay says smiling.
Jensen just bumps his shoulder with Jay’s, “I didn’t hear you complain.”
Jay looks at him with dark eyes, “No I didn’t,” then he leans forward again kissing Jensen.
Jensen thinks that maybe he has to accept the fact that he is gay. Or at least gay for Jay.
They eventually eat breakfast and then spend the day relaxing together. They don’t talk a lot but the silence between them is peaceful and comforting. At the end of the day it was still overwhelming Jensen everything that he was feeling. He was confused, couldn’t believe that everyone was right about him. How could he have not known this before. Jensen thought it was weird.
“Jay,” Jensen asks.
Jay looks up from the book he has been reading. Jensen found it very domestic, him and Jared sitting in the living room both reading, Jay a book and Jensen a script.
“Have you ever been in love?”
Jay raises one eyebrow, “Yes.”
Jensen frowns putting down the book and looking Jensen in the eyes.
“I-I think I’m....”
Jay stands up in the middle of the sentence, “Don’t say it,” he says and walks out of the room.
Jensen frowns, he hadn’t even known what he wanted to say and still it’s obvious that Jay didn’t want to hear it. Jensen figures that he isn’t the only one who has issues. Jensen leans back frowning. He never thought much about it but it was kind of weird, some stranger coming to his house. It was just that, it felt like Jay belonged here. Jay helped Jensen figure a lot out a lot of important stuff. He only realizes now that what he felt for Danneel, wasn’t strong enough. Danneel was right for leaving him. Jensen never thought that he would ever feel that way but he does. Because what he feels for Jay right now, was ten times stronger than what he felt for Danneel and he doesn’t even really know the man yet. So Jensen feels that it can only grow stronger.
He looks at the clock and sees that it’s past eleven already. He gets up wondering if Jay was already in his bed, he hoped that Jay was already in his bed.
When he walks into his room Jay isn’t there. Jensen feels a brief panic fearing that Jay had left him again, but then he hears some noise coming from the guest room.
He storms into the room in blind joy, “Jay,” he says almost falling inside.
Jay was already lying in bed jolting up as Jensen enters.
Jensen lets out an embarrassed laugh, “What are you doing in here?”
Jay gives him a confused look.
Jensen blushes, “I figured you, uh you would sleep with me.”
Jay looks at him for a long time then he moves to get out of the bed and Jensen sighs with relief. Then his breath catches in his throat because Jay was only wearing his boxers and the sudden flare of heat he feels surprises Jensen.
Jay seems to notice and walks towards Jensen with a smile. He wraps his arms around Jensen and hugs him close, “You alright there Jen,” he asks a suggestive grin on his face.
Jensen leans onto Jay’s body, resisting the urge to press his face against Jay’s chest. Jay radiated heat and Jensen feels his hands rub up and down his spine. Jensen leans up and presses his lips against Jay’s. The other man lets out a startled moan and pulls Jensen even closer. Jensen feels that Jay is clearly aroused. Jensen would have thought that another man’s hard on pressing against his thigh would freak him out, it didn’t. He presses himself against Jay’s thigh, letting the other man feel him too.
Jay moans into his mouth again, “Jen.”
Jensen grips Jay’s shoulders pulling the other man closer, kisses going frantic.
“Jen we have to stop or,” Jay starts but cuts himself off when Jensen starts biting and kissing his neck.
He lets Jensen for a while, but then he pushes him off, “Jensen, I want you. I-you’ve never.”
Jensen frowns at Jay, “I’ve never been in love,” he states.
Jay lets out a small cry and pushes his head into Jensen’s neck. He mumbles something into Jensen neck and Jensen moves his shoulder to make the other man look at him.
“What did you say?”
“I meant sex, with a guy.” Jay says briefly looking Jensen in the eye before looking at the ground.
“No but since I’m in l,” Jensen starts his reply but Jay starts kissing him again and Jensen figures that he could always talk later.
Jensen moves his hand to Jay’s crotch. He never had sex with a guy and maybe Jay had a point when he asked. Maybe it was something to be worried about. But he and Danneel had experimented a lot, let’s say that Jensen isn’t a stranger to the pleasure of anal sex. Jay groans at the contact and presses himself into Jensen hand, his own hands finding Jensen ass, pushing and kneading the flesh.
Jay pulls him towards the bed and pushes Jensen on it. He slowly starts taking off Jensen clothes kissing every piece of flesh that is exposed by the process. By the time Jensen is in his boxer he is painfully hard and desperate for Jay’s touch.
“I want,” Jay says his hand moving over Jensen's ass spreading his cheeks to make his point.
Jensen nods, he’s willing to try anything if it’s with Jay.
Jay groans pushing down against Jensen. Jensen hisses at the contact. Jay was long and thick against his own hard on and the friction between them was almost burning. Jay’s hands were still on his ass pulling Jensen closer, long finger reaching his asshole. Jensen pushes his ass backwards, making Jay’s finger push against him, almost entering. Jay seems to get the gist and pushes a finger inside Jensen. Jensen groans and pushes back, he wanted, needed more.
“Jen,” Jay groans bucking more franticly.
Jensen realizes that Jay must be close. He wanted more, more than this. He wanted, fuck he didn’t know what he wanted, he just knew that he wanted Jay to give it to him. Jensen spreads his leg further and presses down against Jay’s finger.
“We need, I want,” Jay mumbles against Jensen collarbone before sucking a bruise there.
Jensen looks pushes him back a little bit, “I think, we should go to my room,” Jensen decides.
Jay nods pulling away from Jensen. Jensen feels a shiver run through his body from the lack of Jay’s body heat. Jay takes his hand and pulls him towards his own bedroom. Jensen’s mind is blissfully blank, all that he can think of is the feeling inside his stomach, the anticipation of what they’re about to do.
Apparently it wasn’t the same for Jay. The moment they enter Jensen’s room the other man starts talking.
“You sure Jen, I mean you didn’t even know you were gay three days ago.”
Jensen frowns at him; he didn’t want to stop now. Jay was right about the whole gay thing, sure. But it didn’t worry Jensen that much; it was like Jay said you fall in love with a soul.
“You have a beautiful soul Jay,” Jensen says smiling a bit before pulling Jay towards his bed.
Jensen crawls over Jay’s body kissing the other man. Jensen figured that making out was basically the same no matter what gender. Jay lets out a breathy laugh before pulling Jensen closer and kissing him deeply. Jensen moans into the kiss letting his body fall on top of Jay’s, his knees on either side of the other man’s thighs. Jensen pushes his groin down experimentally and is rewarded by a loud moan from Jay.
They make out like horny teenagers until Jensen feels like he’s going to burst. He wanted more.
“Jay I think we should,” he stops to think, “have sex. You’ve done it before right.”
Jay groans flipping them around, “You shouldn’t say those things,” he growls.
Jensen just looks up at him innocently, he had a feeling that he knew what he was doing to Jay and he wanted to continue. He wanted Jay to just stop thinking and take him.
Jensen cups Jay’s erection and looks him dead in the eye, “I want this,” he says.
Jensen feels Jay shiver and smiles. Danneel used to do that to him, it never had such an effect on him. But he had to admit, this was kind of hot. Lying flushed underneath Jay, letting him know how much he wanted him. It was dirty and almost cheap how direct he was about it but that made it hotter. It made Jensen feel hotter.
Jay starts stripping him. When he is naked Jay leans back and looks at him. Jensen feels flushed and kind of exposed. But Jay’s eyes go dark and Jensen doesn’t mind that much if it turns Jay on. Jay pushes his legs apart big hand covering his thighs, thumbs caressing his ass cheeks. Jensen feels heat flare up inside him. He liked it when Jay pushed his finger in there before.
“Do you have,” Jay starts and Jensen nods frantically grabbing the lube he and Danneel used to use.
Jensen closes his eyes as Jay starts caressing his ass enjoying how it feels. He keeps his eyes closed as Jay pushes in one slick finger. He moans as Jay starts making slow circles massaging the rim of his hole. Jensen groans and pushes on to Jay’s finger wanting more, wanting to feel full, wanting Jay to fill him.
As Jay works up to a second and third finger Jensen slowly dissolves in a tiny puddle of want. Clutching at Jay’s back pulling him closer, trapping Jay’s arm between the two of them when Jay pushes against a spot inside him and Jensen sees stars.
“More,” he moans bucking up against Jay his moan becoming louder as he feels Jay’s erection against him.
Jensen isn’t really aware of everything that is happening around him until Jay’s fingers pull out of him. He opens his eyes, it takes some time for them to focus. He watches Jay take off his boxers. He swallows as he sees Jay’s cock. It is big and Jensen wants to taste it. He wants that almost as bad as he wants Jay to fuck him. He reaches out wordlessly and Jay smiles at him.
“I’m gonna, you want,” then he nudges his cock head against Jensen’s opening to get across his point.
Jensen moans trying to push down Jay lays a hand on Jensen stomach, “It might hurt a bit.”
Jensen doesn’t care; he wants this more than he ever wanted anything in his life. He can’t remember if he was ever this turned on. He pushes down on Jay’s cock again - this time it almost enters his body. He moans out loud at the feeling. He feels Jay grab his hips and slowly pushing forward. Jensen feels his body give way, it doesn’t hurt per se. It feels a bit weird and slippery and intrusive. Then Jay pushes forward in one quick thrust and Jensen feels a stab of pain.
“Breathe,” Jay says holding perfectly still.
Jensen opens his eyes again, he didn’t even notice he closed them. Jay is looking down on him. Jensen grabs Jay's shoulders, pulling him down for a kiss. After making out like that for a while Jay started moving slowly. Jensen eyes fall closed again at the sensation of Jay being inside of him.
Then Jay hits that spot again, but this time it's much more intense. Jensen feels like he is about to burst out of his skin and he knows he isn’t going to last long.
“Jay-Jay,” He says clawing at Jay’s back and shoulders trying to pull him closer, “I’m close, S-So oh god.”
Jay groans speeding up his thrusts and Jensen’s eyes roll back into his skull. He tenses up before coming all over himself. Jay pushes in one more time staying deep inside him and Jensen feels him come. Feels Jay’s cock pulse inside him, he whimpers as another wave of pleasure hits him.
Jay pulls out of him collapsing next to Jensen. The both lay there, coming down from their orgasm. Jensen doesn’t know what he should say, or do. He knows what feels right though so he snuggles close to Jay and closes his eyes.
The next morning Jensen wakes up with a lazy smile on his face. He stretches lazily, feeling a little burn in his ass. He smiles at the reminder of what he and Jay had done. He never felt this satisfied before. He glances over to Jay side of the bed finding it empty. He frowns; he expected Jay to be next to him. He finds a note on the pillow next to his. He frowns again.
I’m sorry Jen. I have to go and figure some stuff out for myself. As do you.
Last night was amazing and I wish I didn’t have to go. But it would be unfair of me to stay. Start living again, you deserve it.
Please don’t hate me.
We’ll meet again, I promise.
Yours always,
Jay.
Jensen feels his heart crack. Jay left him, just as easily as he entered Jensen's life, he had left it. And there was nothing that Jensen could do about it. All he could do was what Jay requested, start living again. And he was planning to do just that..
Remember feedback is love. Also this might get a sequel I'm not really sure yet.
Author: dutch_ chick aka Jenny
Rated: NC-17
Word Count: 10.328
Pairing: Jared/ Jensen
Disclaimer: This is not real.
Genre: au
Summary: Jensen is heart broken when he is left by his fiancee. Then he meets a stranger... how much can change in three days?
Beta: ]cowboyangel and
letsgetstarted who are my hero's.
It was supposed to be a beautiful day in July. They were suppose to stand in the garden underneath a tree. It was supposed to be a small ceremony in front of a small group of family and friends.
Jensen had seen it all in his mind’s eye before asking Danneel.
Danneel had gone crazy. No, really, like you see on those TV shows called brides from hell, crazy. Planning the wedding. And yes they planned it on a day in July.
It was pouring big wet raindrops soaking the 500 guests Danneel had invited. Jensen searched the guests looking for Danneel. He was standing at the altar, his best man Chris holding an umbrella to keep Jensen dry. Danneel was supposed to be walking down the aisle - the quartet they hired started playing ´here comes the bride´ for the third time.
She didn´t show up.
Four months later.
Jensen glares around his house, which was filled with people. He recognized no-one since everyone was wearing masks and such. Really he didn’t want to recognize anyone. He just wanted to get through this evening without interacting too much. It was bad enough that Chris and Steve forced this party on him. It was All Hallows Eve and Chris wanted to throw a party, when Jensen refused to go Chris just brought the party to him. It was a freaking costume party and Jensen hated it.
All he could think about was how he wanted to go back to bed and lay down on Danneel’s pillow that still smells like her.
Jensen shakes his head, Chris and Steve were trying to help him over it. But it was all too soon. Jensen was making it in his own time. Sure they had to drag him out of his bed after two months, forcing him to go back to work. Yes Jensen wasn’t afraid to admit that he might need a little push. But right now he had had enough of all the god damn pushing.
Jensen was deep in thought when a woman dressed like a cat comes walking towards him. She tries to purr at him and Jensen groans internally. He gives her a bored look and then walks away. He knows it’s rude, but right now he doesn’t care.
“Here, you look like you could use this.”
Jensen looks up at the man standing in front of him holding out a beer. He was tall, like insane tall. Jensen's eyes travel up that body scanning over tight black jeans, a bright red button down only to stop at a masked face. The guy smiles and Jensen can see dimples appear in his cheeks.
Stupid Zorro like mask.
Jensen takes the beer and drinks it in two gulps the guy does the same. Jensen makes a face he hates keg beer.
“You look like you don’t want to be here,” the guy says his voice a bit rough from the alcohol.
Jensen shrugs, “Not really in the partying mood,” he answers in a monotone voice.
The guy just shrugs. Jensen figures that either the guy knew who he was or he didn’t and just accepted that it was none of his business.
“It’s your house isn’t it?”
This time Jensen shrugs, a bit surprised about the guy's reaction. The guy knew who he was but still acted, well, normal. The whole thing between him and Danneel had been in the media a lot since he was about to star in a big movie. He was surprised that the guy just ignored Jensen’s opening and didn’t remark on it. He didn’t even look sympathetic.
“Huh you know who I am?”
The guys just gives Jensen a big dimples smile, “Really? You’re just wearing fangs and a cape. It’s not much of a disguise Jensen.”
Jensen gives the stranger a little smile.
“Oh god, Jensen was that a smile? Really, rumors are you forgot how to do that, but here it is. Jensen Ackles smiling!”
Jensen looks at the guy suspiciously, “Who are you anyway?”
“Can't you see?” the guy asks, smiling, pointing at his clothes, “I’m the Devil.”
Jensen thinks that he wouldn’t mind hanging with this guy some more. At least he wasn’t trying to comfort Jensen like his friends had been trying. And he was nothing at all like the slutty girls that kept offering sex to get over Danneel.
“So mister Devil what are you doing here?”
“Well mister Ackles I was sent here, you obviously don’t belong here.”
Jensen frowns, “You really stay in character don’t you?”
The guy just nods and takes Jensen's hand leading him to the dance floor. Jensen feels weird for the first few steps, he never danced with a guy before. Well sure he goofed around with Chris, but didn’t dance seriously like this. The guy’s arms wrap around his waist and his arms automatically sneak around the guy’s neck. It feels weirdly intimate, Jensen feels heat pool in his stomach.
The guy nuzzles Jensen neck pulling back a little, “You shouldn’t think so much,” his mouth curves up into a sarcastic smile, “you might hurt yourself.”
Jensen pulls away from his touch and just walks away. Before he’s out of hearing range however he says, “No more than I already do.”
He sneaks a look back at the guy expecting him to look maybe a bit disappointed but the guy is just standing there waving at him a knowing smile on his lips. It only made him more mysterious.
Later that night Jensen was still glaring at everyone and everything that crossed his path. Chris comes to stand next to him at some point.
“Hey Jensen, how are you doing?” Chris asks.
Jensen just glares at him. He wants to scream, ‘How the hell do you think I’m doing? The girl I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with left me! At the altar.’ But he doesn’t. Instead he just walks out of his house. He needed some air, some space. Jensen just wanted to be left alone, why didn’t anyone understand that?
Today would have been his four month anniversary, this should have been a party for him and Danneel. Jensen sighs, he should have been part of the people partying.
“If only,” Jensen sighs looking at the moon.
“If only the moon was the sun it’d be day right now.”
Jensen spins around seeing a familiar face. Well a partly familiar face since half of it was covered by a mask. It was that guy from before, it was the Devil.
“What are you doing here? Are you trying to cheer me up? Because really, it won’t work. My heart is ripped into a million pieces and it will never heal again,” Jensen sighs.
The guys gives him a long stern look, “Let me get my violin to play some sad music to go with your self-pity.”
Jensen glares at him and the guy just shakes his head.
“I meant what I said about taking you away,” he says taking Jensen hand again.
He pulls Jensen towards a park near his house. Jensen follows feeling a little silly being dragged by the arm for the second time this evening. When the guy stops at the beginning of the park Jensen looks at him questioning.
“Let’s just walk, you and me,” the guy says in the most steady voice Jensen has ever heard.
Jensen imagines that if Angels did exist they would sound like this calm and steady. They start walking and after a while Jensen finds himself telling the stranger things. Things he would have never told anyone.
“They keep asking me if I am gay. She kept asking me. In the end she just left me a note. A note on our wedding day. Saying that she was hoping I would stop this charade, but since I wasn’t manning up she would.”
The guy just listens and nods.
“I mean, she left me because she thinks I’m gay,” Jensen says standing still to look at the guy.
The guy’s expression didn’t betray anything. He had the most neutral look Jensen had ever seen.
“I didn’t tell anyone this. I mean if rumors got out that I might be gay. It would ruin my career.”
“So you were going to marry her for your career?” the guy asks.
Jensen looks long and hard at him. He didn’t know how to read this guy. Normally Jensen never had trouble reading people, but this guy kept his emotions well hidden. If he had any.
“No! of course not!”
The guy nods, “But you are gay.”
“I loved her!”Jensen squeaks.
The guy gives Jensen a small all knowing smile, “That wasn’t the question,” he says and they continue walking.
“Danneel was perfect. Really she was beautiful and loving, I could really see me marrying her and having a couple of kids. Sure there were some down sides of our relationship, we didn’t see each other that much really,” Jensen continues.
He thinks about it. At the time it hadn’t really bothered him that he didn’t see Danneel much. She had been the one always complaining. He was perfectly happy. He was secure enough that she wouldn’t cheat on him and they talked on the phone almost every night. Jensen hadn’t really felt the need to see her every day.
“I really wanted to marry her,” Jensen says softly.
The guy’s fingers find his chin and pushes Jensen head back. His eyes meet hazel ones full of understanding.
“Hey big boys don’t cry remember,” his big thumb stroking Jensen’s cheek.
Jensen closes his eyes leaning into the touch a little. It offered Jensen more comfort than all the things his friends had tried.
Then the guy steps away and sits down on a nearby bench. Jensen follows his example flopping down next to him.
Jensen sits there for a while taking in the scenery. It was a beautiful clear night the full moon hung high in the sky with a few grey clouds surrounding it. It was a light night, you could easily see where you were going even without a lamp.
“I waited more than a month to tell her I loved her you know. Even though I loved her all along.”
The guy just looks at him with a hint of sadness in his eyes. He never noticed a guy’s eyes like that before. Maybe it was because the rest of his face was mostly covered.
“I can’t help but wonder why she did it you know,” Jensen says looking down at the ground, “I mean if she wanted to leave me why wait until I was standing at the altar?”
The guy stands up, “Let’s go back,” he says taking Jensen's hand again.
When they come back to the house the party is still going on. Jensen catches Chris’ eye and Chris nods then notices the guy holding Jensen’s hand and raises one eyebrow. Jensen lets go of the hand and smiles feeling a blush creep up his cheeks. He didn’t know what had gotten into him, but he wanted to go somewhere quiet so that he could talk to this guy. He wanted to know who he was. He takes the lead and lets the guy follow him to his bedroom up the stairs.
Jensen sits down on the bed looking at the guy, “Who are you?” he asks him for the second time that evening.
The guy just smiles crawling up Jensen's bed and lying down on his back, “Who are you?”
Jensen frowns at him. The guy knew who Jensen was so it was kind of a stupid question. Or rather a really stupid way to avoid Jensen’s question. The guy lays there while Jensen thinks things over. He wondered why the guy was spending so much time with him. It wasn’t like he was buckets of fun and downstairs there was a party going on. Sure the guy could find someone there who was willing to do whatever the guy wanted.
Jensen hears the bed rustle as he keeps staring at a spot on the wall. He really needed to re-paint this room.
“You can lay down with me, I promise I won’t try anything,” Jensen’s gaze snaps back at the guy.
He feels shock and a tiny exited tingle as the guy smiles brightly at him.
“Are you gay?” he asks and really Jensen doesn’t know where that question is coming from. It’s not like he’s homophobic, or interested. He couldn’t care less really and still he asks.
The guys shrugs, “I don’t believe in hetero or homo really. You don’t fall in love with a body do you? Well you’re attracted to it at first but you fall in love with the person in it. The body I mean. You fall in love with a soul.”
Jensen lets himself fall back onto the bed so that he is lying)next to the guy, “Yeah maybe, but the sex must be uncomfortable.”
The guy chuckles, “Okay so maybe a body is part of it. So I guess I’m bi.”
They lay there for a while without talking. Jensen feels himself drifting to sleep. He was tired, he hadn’t had a good night sleep in four months and he was so comfortable right now. He lets his eyes fall close.
“It’s almost midnight,” the guys says his voice deeper than it was before.
Jensen opens one eye and is met by the guy’s masked face, “You know Cinderella had to leave at midnight. Is your dress going to change into a rag?” he jokes.
The guy gives him a small smile, “I’m not really Cinderella.”
Jensen turns so that he is facing the guy. He really had warm eyes, the deep brown in them radiated love and comfort. It was almost like looking into a sad puppy’s eyes, without the dog breath. Jensen breathed in deeply, he was so tired.
The next morning Jensen wakes up alone. He blinks a couple of times at the empty spot next to him wondering if he dreamed the whole thing. Then he sees a small note on top of the pillow.
He smiles, but is disappointed when he folds it open.
Jensen,
Don’t dwell on the past too much, maybe you should live a little.
J.
When Jensen enters the kitchen a few moments later he was still feeling a bit strange. He'd never felt this way before, maybe it was because he thought he really could be friends with the guy. Yeah, he was disappointed that he never was going to see him again because of that.
“Morning,” Chris says from a bowl of cereal.
Jensen just glares at him. He hadn’t forgotten what Chris did to him. Inviting people over having a freaking Halloween party without his consent. God Jensen didn’t even want to know how the rest of his house looked. He just wanted to get something to eat and go back to his room. Chris could deal with the mess.
“So looked like you had fun tonight,” Chris states looking at Jensen.
“What do you mean?”
Chris shrugs, “You spent half the night with some guy and I saw lover boy leave your room this morning.”
Jensen looks at his friend in surprise. He assumed that the guy left as soon as Jensen fell asleep. The fact that he didn’t made Jensen feel a little bit better.
“Did you invite him?” Jensen asks, maybe Chris knew who this guy was.
Chris shakes his head. Jensen grunts, he can’t seem to get a break.
“So did you guys uh,” Chris asks.
Jensen shakes his head, “No of course not!”
Chris shrugs again, “It’s not like I would care if you did. Man I would even be happy for you.”
Jensen just glares at him some more. Why does everyone think he is gay?
Then he thinks back at what the guy said. About falling in love with a soul and not a body. And truth be told, that made sense.
Day one
It’s early January and Jensen is still mourning. He hasn’t left the house much. His friends stopped by every weekend. Jensen figured out their schedule, this Saturday it’s Tom’s turn to check up on him. It annoys him beyond words that his friends are treating him like a baby. He was fine most of the time.
Okay maybe he stopped hanging out with his friends, but that was just because he hasn’t really been in the mood to just hang out. He was still getting used to his life without Danneel. Hell it was normal for him to have some adjustment issues, he was suppose to be married by now.
Thing is, it scared him how much being alone hadn’t bothered him. Well not really. Yes he was hurt when he thought about what Danneel had done to him, but her not being around all the time was like normal every day business. It wasn’t like they spent every day together when they were still a couple. They both worked too much for that and always in different places.
It didn’t mean that Jensen wasn’t heartbroken or upset. 'Cause he was. He loved Danneel and he still couldn’t believe she would do that to him.
So here he was sitting at home thinking all this over.
It was Friday so tomorrow he had the day off. He was currently shooting a movie in which he played a single dad falling in love. It wasn’t really the best movie he had ever made, but it paid the bills nonetheless.
Jensen was enjoying some peace and quiet. He had ordered himself a pizza and he was about to watch a dvd.
The bell rang and Jensen grabbed the money he had ready and walked to the door. Opening it with pizza on his mind.
He is greeted by familiar brown hair and a dimply smile, “Hi Jensen.”
Jensen blinks, rubs his eyes and blinks again. No the guy was still standing there holding two pizza boxes. Jensen order just one pizza so why would he have two?
“I figured you could use some company,” the guy says.
Jensen lets his eyes travel up and down the body before him. He remembers the guy, he was at the Halloween party a couple of months ago. The two of them had clicked on some level and then Jensen managed to fall asleep in the same bed as the guy. To be honest it still was the best he'd slept in ages and Jensen was longing to have a good nights sleep like that again. But that was beside the point.
The guy was standing here, in front of his house telling him that he needed company. The last thing he needed was that, he wanted to have some alone time. He thinks back to what he has done the last couple of days, well some more alone time.
The guy pushes Jensen aside after a while and Jensen realizes he still hasn’t spoken.
“W-what are you doing here?’ it wasn’t really the question he wanted to ask but it was close enough.
The guy smiles at Jensen again and this time Jensen is hit by it full force. He wasn’t wearing a mask anymore so Jensen could see his whole face. Could see how it brightens when he smiles like that. He look at the guy's face some more. It was an average male face, except for the cute nose and the little mole beside it. Oh yeah and his eyes. Those beautiful hazel eyes, not that Jensen would really call them beautiful, well not out loud anyway.
The guy walks into the living room and takes a seat on the couch. Jensen follows him mentally shrugging. It isn’t like he can kick the guy out now, and if he wanted to steal anything he could have done it at the party, when Jensen was asleep.
“You work at the pizza place?” Jensen questions.
The guys gives Jensen a shy smile, “No not really.”
“Are you a stalker?” He asks still not sitting down, just kind of standing in front of the guy.
This time the guys lets out a full body laugh, throwing his head back and clapping one hand on his knee. Jensen can’t help the small smile forming on his own lips and the tingle he feels in his stomach. What? The guys has a contagious laugh that’s all.
“Eh, really dude this is kind of strange,” Jensen whispers looking down at the floor.
The guy laughs again, “Well actually it isn’t the strangest thing I’ve done.”
Jensen looks up feeling his cheek burn as he meets the guys gaze. The guy gives him another shy smile.
Jensen shakes his head, “I’m afraid to ask. No really what are you doing here?”
The smile fades from the guy's face and he gives Jensen a stern serious look, “You need company.”
“What? No way! My friends come by every day and,” Jensen rubs his neck looking down again, he feels like he’s lying, “I really don’t need company I’m fine.”
Jensen feels a hand on his arm and then someone is pulling his hand down. He looks up frowning and sees the guy standing in front of him, right inside his personal bubble.
“You’re not fine. If you slip down any further you’ll end up on antidepressants or having a nervous breakdown.”
Jensen feels a little stab of anger, who was this guy telling him how he feels. But he can’t really get angry. He hasn’t been feeling like himself lately, it’s true. Jensen still thinks time will heal all wounds, and he will get over Danneel eventually.
“It isn’t about getting over Danneel, well not really,” the guy says like he’s been reading Jensen's mind.
Jensen just looks at the guy with questioning eyes and the guy just shrugs, “You stopped living.”
“My girlfriend dumped me, I’m mourning!” Jensen shouts.
The guy shrugs again, “Before that. You just didn’t seem alive.”
Jensen glares at the guy. What the hell does the other man want from him? Jensen feels annoyed and strangely excited. Jensen hadn’t really been feeling alive, he just figured that it would go away eventually. He and Danneel would get married and then live happily ever after. Jensen had been content with that idea. But yeah he hasn’t felt alive for a long time.
Thing is he doesn’t know what to do with that realization so he gets angry.
“You- you have no right to come in my house and say that shit,” Jensen says trying to push the guy away.
The guy takes his hands and gives him a long stern look. Jensen feels the anger drain from him. Which leads him to feel slightly annoyed. He frowns at the guy.
“Why are you here,” he asks again.
The guy gives him a small smile, “Remember that night in October? You felt the same connection as me right? You liked me.”
Jensen nods slowly, the guy was right. He did feel something that night. He had written it off as too much alcohol and a sleep clouded mind. But now that the guy was here in front of him Jensen must admit that the guy had some special effect on him. Maybe they could be friends. But still, that wasn’t a good reason to search out a complete stranger.
“It remains strange.”
The guy smiles again, “No really,” he shrugs, “it’s just, it’s been almost six months and you just. Well you seem miserable.”
Jensen wonders for a long time how the hell the guy knows these things, “You sure you’re not a stalker?” he asks because he really believed that he has done a good job hiding his feelings in public.
The guy just shrugs again walking over to the pizza boxes that are on the salon table, “If you really want me to go just say the word. For now let’s just eat.”
Jensen glares at the guy one more time and then just sits down.
Both of them lean back on the couch after they’ve finished their pizza. Jensen sneaks a peak at the guy next to him. Then he realizes how weird it is to keep thinking about him as that guy.
“What’s your name?” he asks softly.
The guy looks at him through his bangs, “Jay,” he speaks softly like it’s a secret.
“Jay,” Jensen tries the name and decides he likes it.
“Why were you there that night?” Jensen asks, he wonders if Jay was there only for him. The thought excites him for some reason.
“I was there with a friend, he knew Chris. I know you from some movies and wanted to meet you. When we first talked you radiated I don’t know sadness maybe? And then later when we talked, well I got to know more about your personal life and yeah. And we did hit it off right away.”
“As friends,” Jensen adds.
Jay looks like he wants to object but then just says, “Yeah like friends.”
It is almost dark when Jensen wakes up. He doesn’t really remember falling asleep, one minute he was watching some TV show with Jay and the next he’s waking up on the couch. He throws off the blanket someone (probably Jay) had laid over him and looked around the room. Something was off he just didn’t know what.
A couple of minutes later Jay comes walking into the room with two steaming cups. Jensen looks at him with a mixture of grumpy and confused and Jay just smiles at him like he’s the cutest thing ever.
“I cleaned up a bit and made hot chocolate. I figured you needed your sleep,” Jared explains sitting down on the couch.
Jensen just looks at him some more. He never was talkative the first moments after he’d just woken up, right now was no different. Jay just took it in his stride and smiled brightly at him again. This time Jensen feels the corner of his mouth twitch in reaction to Jay’s smile.
“So you mind me staying a couple of days? I noticed you had a guest room and well yeah.” Jay doesn’t finish the sentence and Jensen has no idea what Jay was trying to say but he nods anyway.
He would like Jay to stay a bit. Actually the thought of him leaving right now made something constrict in this chest. He liked Jay, felt himself relax around him. Jensen didn’t even know you could have that with people you only just met but he doesn’t really care anyway. All he knows is that it feels like he hasn’t been able to breathe properly for quite some time and that Jay makes it possible for him to inhale right again.
Yeah even to himself it sounded weird.
Jensen probably had abandonment issues, even with strangers apparently. Jensen thinks that’s a good enough reason for his current behavior. And he ignored the little voice inside his head asking him that, if that was true, why he wasn’t acting the same way with Chris or Tom or the rest of his friends.
Jensen takes the hot chocolate and looks at Jay drinking his. His eyes fixed on where Jay’s lips meet the rim of the cup. The way they pout to fit against it and then the way his throat works when he swallows. When Jay puts the cup back down Jensen closes his eyes and takes big sip of his own drink.
Chris was right he has been alone too much. He needs to be around people some more. And Jay counts as people or at least a person. Jensen decides that yeah it was a good idea to let Jay stay over he would love to get to know the man better. Really one could never have too many friends, right?
“I’m thinking we could keep each other company really. I wasn’t joking before, you look like you could use it.”
Jensen nods again, “I, eh, sure,” he says not really sure how to respond he just wanted Jay to know that he was okay with him staying.
“So tell me, are you working tomorrow?” Jay asks.
Jensen shakes his head again, he had a long weekend but he wasn’t telling Jay that just yet. He needed to clear his mind first. Beside he hasn’t been able to get out more than one sentence at a time and he thinks it might stay that way for at least the rest of the day.
Right now he wanted to sit back enjoy his chocolate and watch TV. Preferably with Jay next to him. And by the sound of it he was getting his wish.
Day two
The next morning Jensen wakes up to the smell of pancakes. Jensen wonders why he let Jay stay. He realizes that letting a complete stranger stay in your house without any question is not the safest or most logical decision, but Jay being here feels so right, almost normal.
Jensen hadn’t slept much last night, but then again nor did he any night before. But he did wake up without the dreadful ache in his heart, sure it was still there but not as persistent like it was every single morning since Danneel left him. Jensen lets out a small self-deprecating chuckle rolling back on his back.
After laying there for a moment he steps out of the bed and goes downstairs finding Jay standing in his kitchen wearing the same jeans as yesterday. Jay has slept in the spare room and he looked like he had a good night sleep. At least better than Jensen had.
“Morning,” Jay grumbles.
Jensen smiles as he sits down at the kitchen table. Jay turned putting a plate with a big pile of pancakes in from of him and then moved to sit across of Jensen. Jensen lets his eyes roam over Jay’s face. He had a little stubble, so he hasn’t shaved this morning. Jensen had to admit that he thought that the 5 o'clock shadow looked good on Jay. But if Jensen was honest with himself, Jay was a handsome man no matter what.
Jay catches Jensen just when Jensen is staring at his mouth and gives the other man a shy almost seductive smile. Jensen doesn’t want to think what it does to his body.
“Don’t you have to work?” Jensen asks trying to distract from the tension between the two of them.
Jay shrugs, “I took some days off actually.”
Jensen frowns for a minute, “What kind of work do you do?”
Jay shrugs again, “It really isn’t that interesting,” he mumbles.
Well, Jensen thinks it is interesting or else he wouldn’t have asked. Jensen found Jay intriguing, the man just showed up on his doorstep and well he made Jensen feel, something. Jay stretches and his shirt rides up revealing bronzed skin, Jensen feels a flare of heat rise inside him.
Jensen leans back really looking at Jay.
Jensen never felt like this. He was never really turned on by a body. For him it was all about the act, what he was doing to a person or what that person was doing to him. But this, this flare of heat, this sudden urge to pin Jay down and, and do, do something. Well Jensen never had that with anyone. He just figured that it wasn’t for everyone, lusting like that. Maybe he had just been alone for a long time. Or maybe it was just the connection that he felt with Jay.
“Who was your first love,” Jensen asks out of no were.
Jay looks up from his pancakes shocked, “Eh,”
“You don’t have to answer,”
“Adam,” Jay answers before Jensen can continue.
“You-you told me before that you think a person falls for a soul not a body.”
Jay nods slowly.
“Well then how do you know. I mean it’s not like love at first sight. Did you never, eh, have just lust, like a one night stand.”
Jay seems to consider the question taking a sip of coffee, “Well,” he says after he swallows, “yeah, you fall in love after you really get to know the person. And yes I did have a one night stand.”
“Well how does that work. I mean you can’t just date everyone, how do you know that you could fall in love with someone?” Jensen wonders out loud.
“Well with Dave I was his friend before we fell in love. After that there was Sandy and well with her I just felt a connection from day one. So I guess, you just feel it?” Jay answers.
Jensen didn’t expect him to answer really, but yeah it did make sense. Jensen thinks about his relationship with Danneel. They were friends too, before they started dating. And then, well Jensen didn’t really know how it happened, from one day to the next they were more than friends. Jensen just thought it was normal. And before Danneel, he never really had a relationship. So that connection Jay was talking about, he had no idea what it was like.
“Why did you ask?”Jay says after a while.
Jensen shrugs, he really had no idea why he was asking all this.
“You know it isn’t bad if you’re attracted to a man, to me,” Jay whispers.
“I’m not,” Jensen begins trying to deny it then stops and thinks, “That connection you were talking about, I never had that with anyone.”
Jay’s eyebrow shoot up, “But you were about to be married?”
Jensen doesn’t answer and they eat the rest of the breakfast in silence.
“Yeah take that!” Jensen yells as he kills Jay’s character.
They have been playing mortal combat for almost half an hour now. Jensen knows that it is an old game but really nothing beats the classics. Beside Jay didn’t complain when he offered to play so Jensen figures it is all good.
Jay growls taking Jensen in a headlock before Jensen even knows what is happening. He struggles against Jay laughing. The man was really immature.
“Dude you really are a sore loser,” he mumbles against Jay’s shirt when he can’t get loose.
Jay laughs and Jensen feels the vibrations against his face. He feels his face blush and takes a deep breath in trying to prepare himself to push Jay away. When he does; his whole train of thought stops. He just smelled Jay, inhaled his scent and it did things to him. He closes his eyes inhaling again. He can almost taste Jay’s scent. It was musky and sweet and there was a hint of fabric softener. The moment Jensen realizes what he is doing he pushes away from Jay.
Jay looks at him worried. Jensen knows he must look shocked, maybe even upset. He jumps up walking, almost running towards his bedroom. He needs some time on his own.
When he lies down on his bed he inhales deeply again, all traces of Jay’s scent gone from his nose. Why would he have done that? Smelled Jay like that, get fucking turned on by it almost. He never felt the urge to do that with Danneel. The more Jensen thinks about it the more confused he gets.
He was even starting to consider, fuck, he was starting to think. What if he was gay? Could he be gay without knowing it all these years? All his friends keep hinting at it, kept asking him if he wasn’t better off with a man. Jensen had always just shrugged it off, making a joke out of it.
But shit Danneel accused him of being gay. Not that Jensen thought that being gay was something to accuse someone of. They either were or weren’t, it didn’t really matter. But Danneel made it sound accusing.
Jensen turns around violently, angry at himself. Jay was just here for one day and the man had him already wondering about his own sexuality. Jensen was a stupid fuck, if he was gay he would have known. He would know. He wouldn’t have been with a girl for so long, being heartbroken because she left him.
If he was gay, Jensen would know.
After a while there is a soft knock on the door and Jay’s head appears around the door, “I-uh, I ordered dinner. I don’t know if you’re ready but it’s here when you want it.”
Jensen looks at the man for a long time. Jay doesn’t even ask why Jensen freaked out. He just gave Jensen time and now he was just willing to let it go. Jensen sighs getting up out of the bed. He could do with something to eat.
Jay had ordered Thai and Jensen was happily surprised, he liked Thai. Jay gives Jensen a small almost shy smile as he gestures for Jensen to sit down.
It was weird, Jensen never used the kitchen table to eat. Usually he just sat on the couch in front of the TV. Jay takes a seat across from Jensen and Jensen thinks that he could get use to this.
“I’m sorry for freaking out on you just now,” Jensen says, he doesn’t want to explain but he figures that Jay deserved an apology.
Jay just shrugs shakes his head and starts eating.
“Jay?” Jensen asks after a while.
Jay looks up, he has been avoiding eye contact with Jensen during most of their meal. It surprises Jensen that his breath catches almost every single time when he looks into Jay’s eyes. It felt weird, almost intimate.
Jensen swallows blinking away the feelings that swirl through him, the confusion that fills his mind with doubt.
“I eh,” Jensen had no idea what he wanted to ask, “At the party you said I don’t know,” Jensen stops talking and thinks is over. “We have some connection.” It was a statement not a question and Jensen wonders how Jay would take it.
Jay just nods.
“But I- does that mean I’m gay”
Jay laughs out loud throwing his head back in the process.
“Friends,” he chokes out, “it could mean we’re friends. You need to be attracted to guys, to me, to be gay.”
Jensen frowns, “Well okay,” he murmurs.
Jay laughs again. Then shakes his head and starts eating.
That night Jensen can’t catch any sleep. He has spent the rest of the night with Jay in front of the TV. They had argued good naturedly over what they should watch and settled on some home improvement program. Jensen didn’t really watch the program.
Jared had said that he needed to be attracted to guys to be gay. Did it need to be multiple dudes? What if he was only attracted to Jay? Did that make him gay? Jensen frowns, he never thought that everyone was right about him. He wasn’t scared or freaked out, which he assumed most people were. He was just confused as all hell. He never felt attracted to someone like that or felt that kind of a connection. Did Danneel mean that when she said that there was something missing.
His door opens and Jay comes walking in.
“I can hear you tossing and turning in the other room,” he whispers as he moves towards Jensen’s bed.
“Let me toss and turn will you,” Jensen says smiling a bit.
The smile fades from his face as Jay lifts the sheets of his bed and moves to lie down beside him. Jensen shifts so that he is facing Jay.
“What are you doing?” he whispers feeling like he is ten again and his friend is sleeping over.
He sees Jay’s face in the dim light coming from outside waking shadows. The only thing Jensen can see clearly is Jay’s eyes, dark pools in the light of the moon. Jensen noticed that whenever Jay wasn’t smiling his eyes were serious, deep. It was weird but they seemed like two black holes filled with all kind of emotions. All fighting to be seen, not one ever taking the upperhand.
“Jay?” Jensen questions.
The other man lets out a long breath, “I’m attracted to you, I think,” Jensen says.
Jay just gives him a small smile and pulls him close. They fall asleep cuddled together.
Day three.
Jensen wakes up slowly the next morning, Jay is draped all over him. He smiles a little bit still in the haze of just waking up. He felt warm and comfortable, he felt at home. He slowly opens his eyes and is met by Jay’s smiling face. The other man looks down at him with a soft smile on his lips and affection in his eyes. Jensen never felt more loved, more wanted that he did now.
He softly places his hand on Jay’s cheek and before he can think about what he’s doing he leans in and kisses him. It’s unlike anything Jensen had ever felt before. It was like he was struck by lightning and pleasure makes its way through his body. Jay moans leaning onto Jensen pressing his body against him. Jensen had never gotten hard from just kissing but right now he was hard as a rock. Jay slowly started kissing him back, caressing his tongue over Jensen’s bottom lip trying to deepen the kiss.
Jensen hand slips from Jay’s cheek to the back of the other man’s head, pulling him closer as their tongues touch.
Jay was exploring his mouth, tasting him, taking him, owning him in a way. Jensen never imagined he could feel like this with anyone. His other hand slipped around Jay’s waist pulling him closer. It felt great having Jay on top of him. Jay’s hands were moving all over his body, like he was exploring Jensen. Trying to find every secret his body has. Jensen takes a deep breath and rolls them over. Jay lets out a surprised sound which turns into a moan as Jensen thrust their groins together. He kisses Jay’s neck, slow open mouthed kisses, letting his teeth scrape the skin. Jay underneath him writhing and moaning and Jensen never wanted to forget this. Never wants anything but this, Jay right here in his bed. Jensen starts a slow kissing trail down Jay’s body, enjoying the reaction it gets from Jay, the way he tastes.
“Jen,” Jay moans and that snaps everything back in focus for Jensen.
He rolls off with a curse. He looks at Jay, his understanding eyes, his red kissed lips. He couldn’t. Jensen felt like he was cheating on Danneel. He wasn’t ready for this. It was too much. Jensen always assumed he was straight, mostly. But what he just did with Jay was definitely not straight. If he did this now, with Jay, he would hurt the other man.
“It’s okay Jen,” Jay whispers.
Jensen rolls away from the other man so that he’s facing the wall. He doesn’t know what to say without offending Jay, he doesn’t want to hurt him or make him mad.
He feels a big hand on his shoulder, “It was just a kiss.”
Jensen feels the bed shift, knowing it is Jay moving away from him and he feels a lump form in his throat. He doesn’t want Jay to leave, but it would be unfair to have him stay here if he wants something Jensen can’t give. He has to swallow when he hears Jay get up and leave the room. Great he thinks, now he chased away the one person who made him feel good.
Jensen doesn’t really start to panic until he makes his final lap around the house. He can’t believe Jay’s really gone. After the kiss this morning Jensen didn’t know what he expected from him. Now he was afraid that he drove Jay away. That maybe he insulted the man by rejecting him. Now Jay left before Jensen could explain that it wasn’t really about Jay. It was more about Jensen himself, he was insecure and afraid and unsure of himself. He didn’t want to hurt Jay because he didn’t know what he felt.
His mind kept shifting from Jay to Danneel and back again. The hurt he had felt when Danneel left him paled compared to the blind panic he feels now.
1q``
When he finally got the courage to get out of bed he started looking for Jay right away. He started at the kitchen, were he expected Jay to be. Then he looked in the guest room were Jay had stayed the first night. And eventually his final hope was that Jay was cleaning or something But he wasn’t. He really was gone. Jensen got angry, sad, and disappointed all at once. He really didn’t know what he felt, he just knew that he wasn’t ready for Jay leaving him.
He didn’t know anything about Jay, just his first name and it frustrated him. He didn’t know his last name, age, where he lived, where he worked. How the hell was Jensen supposed to find him? He could walk out of Jensen life just as easy as he walked into it. So yeah Jensen was frustrated.
He was sitting on the couch feeling a headache come up. There is a knock on his door a moment later. Jensen looks up from the floor to stare at the door and he wonders if he’d imagined it. But then his doorbell rings, very loud, very real and a small spark of hope enters his mind. He slowly walks to the door, giving himself some time. When he opened the door all he saw was his yard and the sun high in the sky. He looked straight ahead but didn’t see anyone.
“Man you sure took your time to open the door,” Jay says.
Jensen looks in the direction of the voice and there he was leaning against the wall. Jensen feels extremely happy, a rush of energy suddenly filling him.
“Jay,” he whispers and steps towards the other man.
He wraps his arms around him and pulls him close, he was never letting go, ever again. He buries his face in Jay’s neck, breathing in the other mans scent. Jay shifts a little and Jensen looks up. Looks into those hazel colored eyes, question clear in them and he can’t resist. He leans in, brushing his lips against Jay’s. Jay moans softly and Jensen is vaguely aware of something dropping on the ground before two long arms are wrapped around him, pulling him closer.
When they pull apart Jensen opens his mouth, but he doesn’t really know what he wants to say so he closes it again. Jay just stands there smiling at him fondly; then he bends down and picks up a bag. Jensen looks at it questioning.
“I thought I would buy breakfast, didn’t want to wake you since you were up so late last night,” Jay mumbles. Then he looks up at Jensen again, “Why are you acting,” then he stops talking and smiles, “you thought I left.”
Jensen looks at him in horror. No man should look so smug. He wants to deny it but the look on Jay’s face tells him that it’s no use.
“Well what was I suppose to think? You leave without even saying goodbye. You could have left a note or something. You-you I don’t even know your last name, or your phone number!” Jensen ends the rant almost frantically.
Jay raises both eyebrows and Jensen hears the question in them without it being vocalized.
“Fuck I was just worried about, about, fuck,” Jensen lets himself fall down on the ground in front of the door.
“You’re worried about me leaving and when I come back you yell at me,” Jay questions, a smile clear in his voice.
Jay sits down next to him and starts opening the bag getting out some bagels and muffins. Jensen just looks at him accepting the muffin Jay offers him.
“Why were you worried anyway?” Jay asks after a couple of minutes in silence.
Jensen shrugs, “Because of that kiss.”
“Oh come on Jen you’re not that bad a kisser and with a bit of practice you can become really good at it,” Jay says smiling.
Jensen just bumps his shoulder with Jay’s, “I didn’t hear you complain.”
Jay looks at him with dark eyes, “No I didn’t,” then he leans forward again kissing Jensen.
Jensen thinks that maybe he has to accept the fact that he is gay. Or at least gay for Jay.
They eventually eat breakfast and then spend the day relaxing together. They don’t talk a lot but the silence between them is peaceful and comforting. At the end of the day it was still overwhelming Jensen everything that he was feeling. He was confused, couldn’t believe that everyone was right about him. How could he have not known this before. Jensen thought it was weird.
“Jay,” Jensen asks.
Jay looks up from the book he has been reading. Jensen found it very domestic, him and Jared sitting in the living room both reading, Jay a book and Jensen a script.
“Have you ever been in love?”
Jay raises one eyebrow, “Yes.”
Jensen frowns putting down the book and looking Jensen in the eyes.
“I-I think I’m....”
Jay stands up in the middle of the sentence, “Don’t say it,” he says and walks out of the room.
Jensen frowns, he hadn’t even known what he wanted to say and still it’s obvious that Jay didn’t want to hear it. Jensen figures that he isn’t the only one who has issues. Jensen leans back frowning. He never thought much about it but it was kind of weird, some stranger coming to his house. It was just that, it felt like Jay belonged here. Jay helped Jensen figure a lot out a lot of important stuff. He only realizes now that what he felt for Danneel, wasn’t strong enough. Danneel was right for leaving him. Jensen never thought that he would ever feel that way but he does. Because what he feels for Jay right now, was ten times stronger than what he felt for Danneel and he doesn’t even really know the man yet. So Jensen feels that it can only grow stronger.
He looks at the clock and sees that it’s past eleven already. He gets up wondering if Jay was already in his bed, he hoped that Jay was already in his bed.
When he walks into his room Jay isn’t there. Jensen feels a brief panic fearing that Jay had left him again, but then he hears some noise coming from the guest room.
He storms into the room in blind joy, “Jay,” he says almost falling inside.
Jay was already lying in bed jolting up as Jensen enters.
Jensen lets out an embarrassed laugh, “What are you doing in here?”
Jay gives him a confused look.
Jensen blushes, “I figured you, uh you would sleep with me.”
Jay looks at him for a long time then he moves to get out of the bed and Jensen sighs with relief. Then his breath catches in his throat because Jay was only wearing his boxers and the sudden flare of heat he feels surprises Jensen.
Jay seems to notice and walks towards Jensen with a smile. He wraps his arms around Jensen and hugs him close, “You alright there Jen,” he asks a suggestive grin on his face.
Jensen leans onto Jay’s body, resisting the urge to press his face against Jay’s chest. Jay radiated heat and Jensen feels his hands rub up and down his spine. Jensen leans up and presses his lips against Jay’s. The other man lets out a startled moan and pulls Jensen even closer. Jensen feels that Jay is clearly aroused. Jensen would have thought that another man’s hard on pressing against his thigh would freak him out, it didn’t. He presses himself against Jay’s thigh, letting the other man feel him too.
Jay moans into his mouth again, “Jen.”
Jensen grips Jay’s shoulders pulling the other man closer, kisses going frantic.
“Jen we have to stop or,” Jay starts but cuts himself off when Jensen starts biting and kissing his neck.
He lets Jensen for a while, but then he pushes him off, “Jensen, I want you. I-you’ve never.”
Jensen frowns at Jay, “I’ve never been in love,” he states.
Jay lets out a small cry and pushes his head into Jensen’s neck. He mumbles something into Jensen neck and Jensen moves his shoulder to make the other man look at him.
“What did you say?”
“I meant sex, with a guy.” Jay says briefly looking Jensen in the eye before looking at the ground.
“No but since I’m in l,” Jensen starts his reply but Jay starts kissing him again and Jensen figures that he could always talk later.
Jensen moves his hand to Jay’s crotch. He never had sex with a guy and maybe Jay had a point when he asked. Maybe it was something to be worried about. But he and Danneel had experimented a lot, let’s say that Jensen isn’t a stranger to the pleasure of anal sex. Jay groans at the contact and presses himself into Jensen hand, his own hands finding Jensen ass, pushing and kneading the flesh.
Jay pulls him towards the bed and pushes Jensen on it. He slowly starts taking off Jensen clothes kissing every piece of flesh that is exposed by the process. By the time Jensen is in his boxer he is painfully hard and desperate for Jay’s touch.
“I want,” Jay says his hand moving over Jensen's ass spreading his cheeks to make his point.
Jensen nods, he’s willing to try anything if it’s with Jay.
Jay groans pushing down against Jensen. Jensen hisses at the contact. Jay was long and thick against his own hard on and the friction between them was almost burning. Jay’s hands were still on his ass pulling Jensen closer, long finger reaching his asshole. Jensen pushes his ass backwards, making Jay’s finger push against him, almost entering. Jay seems to get the gist and pushes a finger inside Jensen. Jensen groans and pushes back, he wanted, needed more.
“Jen,” Jay groans bucking more franticly.
Jensen realizes that Jay must be close. He wanted more, more than this. He wanted, fuck he didn’t know what he wanted, he just knew that he wanted Jay to give it to him. Jensen spreads his leg further and presses down against Jay’s finger.
“We need, I want,” Jay mumbles against Jensen collarbone before sucking a bruise there.
Jensen looks pushes him back a little bit, “I think, we should go to my room,” Jensen decides.
Jay nods pulling away from Jensen. Jensen feels a shiver run through his body from the lack of Jay’s body heat. Jay takes his hand and pulls him towards his own bedroom. Jensen’s mind is blissfully blank, all that he can think of is the feeling inside his stomach, the anticipation of what they’re about to do.
Apparently it wasn’t the same for Jay. The moment they enter Jensen’s room the other man starts talking.
“You sure Jen, I mean you didn’t even know you were gay three days ago.”
Jensen frowns at him; he didn’t want to stop now. Jay was right about the whole gay thing, sure. But it didn’t worry Jensen that much; it was like Jay said you fall in love with a soul.
“You have a beautiful soul Jay,” Jensen says smiling a bit before pulling Jay towards his bed.
Jensen crawls over Jay’s body kissing the other man. Jensen figured that making out was basically the same no matter what gender. Jay lets out a breathy laugh before pulling Jensen closer and kissing him deeply. Jensen moans into the kiss letting his body fall on top of Jay’s, his knees on either side of the other man’s thighs. Jensen pushes his groin down experimentally and is rewarded by a loud moan from Jay.
They make out like horny teenagers until Jensen feels like he’s going to burst. He wanted more.
“Jay I think we should,” he stops to think, “have sex. You’ve done it before right.”
Jay groans flipping them around, “You shouldn’t say those things,” he growls.
Jensen just looks up at him innocently, he had a feeling that he knew what he was doing to Jay and he wanted to continue. He wanted Jay to just stop thinking and take him.
Jensen cups Jay’s erection and looks him dead in the eye, “I want this,” he says.
Jensen feels Jay shiver and smiles. Danneel used to do that to him, it never had such an effect on him. But he had to admit, this was kind of hot. Lying flushed underneath Jay, letting him know how much he wanted him. It was dirty and almost cheap how direct he was about it but that made it hotter. It made Jensen feel hotter.
Jay starts stripping him. When he is naked Jay leans back and looks at him. Jensen feels flushed and kind of exposed. But Jay’s eyes go dark and Jensen doesn’t mind that much if it turns Jay on. Jay pushes his legs apart big hand covering his thighs, thumbs caressing his ass cheeks. Jensen feels heat flare up inside him. He liked it when Jay pushed his finger in there before.
“Do you have,” Jay starts and Jensen nods frantically grabbing the lube he and Danneel used to use.
Jensen closes his eyes as Jay starts caressing his ass enjoying how it feels. He keeps his eyes closed as Jay pushes in one slick finger. He moans as Jay starts making slow circles massaging the rim of his hole. Jensen groans and pushes on to Jay’s finger wanting more, wanting to feel full, wanting Jay to fill him.
As Jay works up to a second and third finger Jensen slowly dissolves in a tiny puddle of want. Clutching at Jay’s back pulling him closer, trapping Jay’s arm between the two of them when Jay pushes against a spot inside him and Jensen sees stars.
“More,” he moans bucking up against Jay his moan becoming louder as he feels Jay’s erection against him.
Jensen isn’t really aware of everything that is happening around him until Jay’s fingers pull out of him. He opens his eyes, it takes some time for them to focus. He watches Jay take off his boxers. He swallows as he sees Jay’s cock. It is big and Jensen wants to taste it. He wants that almost as bad as he wants Jay to fuck him. He reaches out wordlessly and Jay smiles at him.
“I’m gonna, you want,” then he nudges his cock head against Jensen’s opening to get across his point.
Jensen moans trying to push down Jay lays a hand on Jensen stomach, “It might hurt a bit.”
Jensen doesn’t care; he wants this more than he ever wanted anything in his life. He can’t remember if he was ever this turned on. He pushes down on Jay’s cock again - this time it almost enters his body. He moans out loud at the feeling. He feels Jay grab his hips and slowly pushing forward. Jensen feels his body give way, it doesn’t hurt per se. It feels a bit weird and slippery and intrusive. Then Jay pushes forward in one quick thrust and Jensen feels a stab of pain.
“Breathe,” Jay says holding perfectly still.
Jensen opens his eyes again, he didn’t even notice he closed them. Jay is looking down on him. Jensen grabs Jay's shoulders, pulling him down for a kiss. After making out like that for a while Jay started moving slowly. Jensen eyes fall closed again at the sensation of Jay being inside of him.
Then Jay hits that spot again, but this time it's much more intense. Jensen feels like he is about to burst out of his skin and he knows he isn’t going to last long.
“Jay-Jay,” He says clawing at Jay’s back and shoulders trying to pull him closer, “I’m close, S-So oh god.”
Jay groans speeding up his thrusts and Jensen’s eyes roll back into his skull. He tenses up before coming all over himself. Jay pushes in one more time staying deep inside him and Jensen feels him come. Feels Jay’s cock pulse inside him, he whimpers as another wave of pleasure hits him.
Jay pulls out of him collapsing next to Jensen. The both lay there, coming down from their orgasm. Jensen doesn’t know what he should say, or do. He knows what feels right though so he snuggles close to Jay and closes his eyes.
The next morning Jensen wakes up with a lazy smile on his face. He stretches lazily, feeling a little burn in his ass. He smiles at the reminder of what he and Jay had done. He never felt this satisfied before. He glances over to Jay side of the bed finding it empty. He frowns; he expected Jay to be next to him. He finds a note on the pillow next to his. He frowns again.
I’m sorry Jen. I have to go and figure some stuff out for myself. As do you.
Last night was amazing and I wish I didn’t have to go. But it would be unfair of me to stay. Start living again, you deserve it.
Please don’t hate me.
We’ll meet again, I promise.
Yours always,
Jay.
Jensen feels his heart crack. Jay left him, just as easily as he entered Jensen's life, he had left it. And there was nothing that Jensen could do about it. All he could do was what Jay requested, start living again. And he was planning to do just that..
Remember feedback is love. Also this might get a sequel I'm not really sure yet.