It's weird how my life is syncing with so many of my friends these days! Mostly due to stress, I too have steadily lost weight since my wedding last year and I'm actually about 20 lbs less now than I was freshman year at Pitt, having lost 10 of them in the past 12 months alone.
I think I feel so bad about my own body because I'm what I've read online described as "skinny fat". The number on the scale and on my clothes has decreased, but maybe from not having much muscle tone and a fluffy tummy area, I feel icky? I dunno but it might be one explanation.
Just know you aren't alone! From the pictures I've seen on FB, you look fabulous! :)
Yeah the fluffy tummy is a big part of it. For me it's the post-partum excess skin. When I'm wearing a well-fitting pair of mid-to-high waisted bottoms, there's no muffin top; it all compresses and it looks fine. (Now I know why they call them mom jeans!) But when I wear anything low-rise, or when I wear pants that are too loose (and thus hang down and become low-rise), it's all pooch.
Short of surgery there's nothing I can do to change it, which is the worst part. Fat and muscle can come and go but skin is here to stay.
I saw a blog post the other day that was meant to be one of those empowering "let's confess about stuff we swore we'd do as parents but have failed at" and it was great to read all these comments about people saying stuff like "I swore I'd have no TV at all until 2... I swore I'd never let anything processed pass my baby's lips... I swore I'd never co-sleep... I swore I'd never leave my baby in a crib..." etc etc.
Then Ms. Mood Harsher comes along and leaves a comment about how she has twin 10 month olds, is a SAHM, feeds them both homemade organic purees, has a hot homemade dinner on the table every night for her man, and has the house spotlessly clean every single day, all of which she succeeded at by "setting goals and achieving them". Yeah right lady. All that and free time patrolling comboxes to shame others. Even if she was telling the truth, I'd rather be a slobby mom than the kind of personality that rejoices in telling others "You feel like a failure? Well, you should! You ARE a failure! And you have no excuse either!"
I think you're just stressed and overworked. This leads to depression, and your rational mind tries to find a cause, so projecting that mood onto yourself and thinking "I look like crap" is as good a one as any.
However...
I find it a little worrisome that you're that happy about a change in pants size. There's no inherent virtue in size 10 over size 12. You know that, right? Skinny does not equal good. Fat does not equal bad. Those judgments are based on lies and marketing. Are you healthy? Do you do take care of yourself? That matters a lot more than arbitrary size.
I don't know where I am with regard to body image, weight, health, and agency. Sometimes I'm very health-at-any-size, fat acceptance, beauty myth etc; other times I feel much more conventional paradigm or influenced by Christian opinions of body as temple etc. I guess my problem is that I see truth in both, and hear people I respect for different reasons advocating both.
I guess part of my excitement, which doesn't come across in this post, is because when I was 14/15, I was put on a medication that made my weight balloon, so I've always felt like the "real me" isn't supposed to be like that, and thus when I drop into a size I've never worn as an adult, I am getting closer to the "real me".
I guess something similar must be true for many people, though. The "real me" is the size I was when I was in high school, or when I was in university, or when I got married, or... etc. So a return to that size is like a return to self, to one's self image.
Speaking from personal experience, and also from vaguely-remembered studies I've read, dramatic weight loss can actually *cause* body dysmorphia. There are various complicated biological and psychological reasons behind this, but aside from those, I think that outside of those, two reasons why weight loss always makes me feel fatter are: 1. the ill-fitting clothes thing you mentioned and 2. weight loss changes your body's proportions, and so different features of your appearance become noticeable, and I think it's human to pay more attention to noticed flaws.
Also, if you've lost a lot of weight quickly (especially without accompanying muscle gains), everything will just sort of hang off your body weirdly until your body readjusts.
My advice (based on what has worked for me when I feel fat and ugly), is to make a point of dressing nicely and paying attention to posture, so that I look better regardless of weight gain or loss.
Ill-fitting clothes, whether too big or too small, always make me feel like shit, FWIW. I'm generally really satisfied with the way my body looks, but if something that normally fits is hanging on me a weird way because I've lost some weight or won't button because I've gained some (or because my breasts are premenstrually swollen, or whatever), it always destroys my mood and makes me feel gross.
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I think I feel so bad about my own body because I'm what I've read online described as "skinny fat". The number on the scale and on my clothes has decreased, but maybe from not having much muscle tone and a fluffy tummy area, I feel icky? I dunno but it might be one explanation.
Just know you aren't alone! From the pictures I've seen on FB, you look fabulous! :)
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Short of surgery there's nothing I can do to change it, which is the worst part. Fat and muscle can come and go but skin is here to stay.
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Then Ms. Mood Harsher comes along and leaves a comment about how she has twin 10 month olds, is a SAHM, feeds them both homemade organic purees, has a hot homemade dinner on the table every night for her man, and has the house spotlessly clean every single day, all of which she succeeded at by "setting goals and achieving them". Yeah right lady. All that and free time patrolling comboxes to shame others. Even if she was telling the truth, I'd rather be a slobby mom than the kind of personality that rejoices in telling others "You feel like a failure? Well, you should! You ARE a failure! And you have no excuse either!"
Reply
However...
I find it a little worrisome that you're that happy about a change in pants size. There's no inherent virtue in size 10 over size 12. You know that, right? Skinny does not equal good. Fat does not equal bad. Those judgments are based on lies and marketing. Are you healthy? Do you do take care of yourself? That matters a lot more than arbitrary
size.
Reply
I guess part of my excitement, which doesn't come across in this post, is because when I was 14/15, I was put on a medication that made my weight balloon, so I've always felt like the "real me" isn't supposed to be like that, and thus when I drop into a size I've never worn as an adult, I am getting closer to the "real me".
I guess something similar must be true for many people, though. The "real me" is the size I was when I was in high school, or when I was in university, or when I got married, or... etc. So a return to that size is like a return to self, to one's self image.
Reply
1. the ill-fitting clothes thing you mentioned
and
2. weight loss changes your body's proportions, and so different features of your appearance become noticeable, and I think it's human to pay more attention to noticed flaws.
Also, if you've lost a lot of weight quickly (especially without accompanying muscle gains), everything will just sort of hang off your body weirdly until your body readjusts.
My advice (based on what has worked for me when I feel fat and ugly), is to make a point of dressing nicely and paying attention to posture, so that I look better regardless of weight gain or loss.
Reply
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