Fair is just a four letter word
Title: Fair is just a four letter word
Summary: The phrase ‘All’s fair in love and war’ doesn’t even begin to cover the many problems Jin seems to have as he struggles with his inner demons and finds the hidden depths of his heart.
Pairings: Akame, Kokame
Genre: Friendship, romance, angst
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, although I wish I could have a Taguchi XD
Author’s Note: I know Jin’s not KAT-TUN anymore, but I’ve had this plotbunny for a while so we’ll just pretend shall we?
"Fair is just a four letter word"
It really wasn’t fair, and it didn’t really matter how many times anybody tried to point out the obvious and oh so true fact that ‘life is never fair’.
No matter how many times Jin heard it, no matter how many times the idea was drilled into his head, it didn’t stop him from complaining.
It just wasn’t fair that he was banned from showing his proper emotions, and from showing his honest interest. It didn’t matter that the issue had been settled years ago, it didn’t matter that the story was ‘old news’. It just wasn’t fair.
Standing around idly, waiting for the next take he couldn’t help but notice how touchy Kamenashi and Koki were being. Just because there was a slight break didn’t mean the two could go off being a Lovey-dovey new couple for all the world to see.
It didn’t matter that Ueda, Taguchi and Nakamaru didn’t care, he did.
Why was it that Koki and Kamenashi were allowed to go around flaunting their relationship to cameras? Why was Koki allowed to flirt in front of the fans? Why was there a new out pour of ‘KoKame’, as Taguchi had taken to pointing out.
Why exactly was it that Koki could do as he pleased and feel up on his boyfriend whenever he wanted, when Jin hadn’t been allowed to, when both he and Kamenashi had been called into a meeting and briefly ordered to cease all ‘affection’ on camera?
And why did Kamenashi go along with it?
Maybe that’s what made him snap, not that Jin would ever admit to actually snapping.
The heavy stare Kamenashi was giving Koki, and the almost magnetic way the two were approaching one another, had Jin on his knees yelling nonsense.
No one seemed to really notice Jin’s actual reason for starting his own factory skit, except for the two who hardly ever participated in it.
Nakamaru obliged, joining in, with Kamenashi and Koki quick to break away from their staring.
Ueda alone, gave Jin a rather tired look, while Taguchi gave him a strangely knowing smile.
Needless to say it didn’t help Jin feel any less annoyed with his entire day.
* * *
“Maybe you aught to tone it down, just a bit,” Ueda muttered, as the two walked out of the studio.
“Tone what down?” Jin asked innocently.
Ueda rolled his eyes, “you know exactly ‘what’.”
Jin let out a heavy sigh, “it’s just not fair!”
“Nothing in life is fair, you should have that figured out already.”
Jin pouted, just because it was true didn’t make it any less unfair. It didn’t really make any difference anyway, Ueda wouldn’t get it either way.
It wasn’t as though Jin particularly enjoyed having these emotions, he just didn’t think it was fair, and there wasn’t much anyone could do to reason it out.
Emotions weren’t ever really based off of reason to be honest.
Still, Jin didn’t enjoy the churning bile he felt in the pit of his stomach when he walked into work everyday and had to watch Kamenashi and Koki give each other secretive smiles, watch the batting eyelashes, note the touchy hands from beneath the table.
It was just strange, Kamenashi, the usually serious and most diligent of the group had fallen to giggling like a school girl when interacting with his boyfriend. The professionalism that Kamenashi usually exuded was gone, and in his place was the playful man that Jin had hardly ever seen.
Why was it that when it had been Jin in Koki’s place Kamenashi had never done such things? Alright, perhaps the two weren’t exactly ‘exclusive’ but Jin had always felt there was more to their fanservice than just, well fanservice.
Even though the intention had always been to service the fans, Jin couldn’t help but feel there was actually more to it.
Those small caresses, the closeness, it couldn’t have all just been for show, right?
It was something that had confused Jin since the start. Johnny-san had called them in, and ordered their stop in the fanservice, it was becoming too much and the tabloids had been working it up to be more than it was, it wasn’t an image he wanted for the boys, at least not that early in their careers.
Jin had argued, fought with Johnny-san on that particular issue, but Kamenashi had just remained silent, and had taken the orders to heart and hardly even bothered to look at Jin thereafter.
He’d never admit it, but it hurt him. The two had been so close, and now it was almost as though the two were strangers, it was as though Kamenashi had actually become a stranger.
This new man with his boyfriend, he wasn’t somebody Jin recognized.
It just wasn’t fair.
***
“They look happy, don’t they?” Taguchi commented, as he perched himself lightly beside Jin, observing the frolicking pair of lovers.
“Mm,” Jin responded, not even bothering to glance at Taguchi, much to interested in observing the tickle war Kamenashi and Koki had declared upon eachother.
“It must be nice,” Taguchi continued a soft smile splayed on his lips.
Jin pursed his lips, not wanting to respond.
“I wish I could find someone like that too,” Taguchi said, a rather contemplative expression on his face.
“I don’t see why we have to see it,” Jin finally huffed, crossing his arms, and looking away from the two with a rather haughty look.
“Well, why not, I think it’s cute, besides it’s not like they’re doing anything wrong.”
“I don’t need to see it,” Jin replied, before getting to his feet and walking off. Talking to Taguchi always gave him a headache.
“Jealousy is a deadly sin!” Taguchi called out lightly to him, Jin’s only response was an airy wave as he flounced out of the room in search of something better to do.
“He seems happy,” Ueda commented, from his spot on the couch adjacent to them.
Taguchi nodded, ”he needs a nap.”
Ueda let out a sigh, “and you need to get a clue, sometimes.”
“Eh?” was Taguchi’s only response.
* * *
“I thought you were going to blow up back there,” Ueda commented.
“Blow what?” Jin asked distractedly, still much too pre-occupied with his anger, and said ‘disgust’.
Jin had just had the wondrous misfortune of walking in on Kamenashi and Koki groping at each other in a broom closet.
“Not, what I was talking about!” Ueda replied, with an eye roll.
Jin merely shrugged, “I didn’t mean it like that, it’s not my fault you’ve been hanging out with Taguchi so much that you’re hearing puns where there isn’t any.”
“I don’t think my hanging out with Taguchi has anything to do with this,” Ueda replied coldly, his dark gaze piercing an uncaring Jin.
There was a moments pause, and Ueda’s gaze softened, “we’re worried about you,” he said rather softly.
“I’m fine,” Jin replied absently.
“You’re not fine!’ Ueda bit back. “I think you need to talk to them.”
“I don’t need to do anything, what you need to do right now, Ueda is get off my case and leave me alone!” Jin replied, before walking off in a whirl of anger.
Ueda wasn’t lying when he said they were worried. Both he and Taguchi had spent many a mail conversation discussing their worry. It wasn’t as though Koki hadn’t tried to talk to Jin about it.
It was just that Jin was behaving a bit more stubbornly than was really necessary.
Any attempt Koki had made to bridge the gap, to fix the situation had been rebutted by a curt reply or an immature sigh and ‘I don’t care!’ from Jin.
As much as Jin seemed to like complaining, it seemed there was little he was willing to do to fix the problem.
And Kamenashi, he’d been kept rather in the dark about the whole incident. More for the fact that although Ueda was known to be more of a fighter in the group, Kamenashi had little patience to deal with Jin’s immature antics and would undoubtedly attempt a drastic fix and only result in making things worse.
Moreover, Kamenashi probably wouldn’t understand. What Jin wanted was far out of reach, and most definitely something he wouldn’t be able to attain.
* * *
“Jealousy makes everyone look ugly,” Taguchi said, matter-of-factly. He was sitting beside Jin, who in turn was unable to escape due to the fact that he was trapped by the make-up artist.
“And your face is good enough to be a Halloween mask!” Jin retorted, with a pout, hoping to drive the tall man away.
No such luck though, as Taguchi merely made himself more comfortable by fixing his cushion and squirming back into the couch.
“We need to have a circle of expression in the group,” Taguchi said easily, ignoring Jin’s prior comment.
“A circle of what?” Jin asked.
“A circle of expression,” Taguchi replied promptly.
“Why do you suddenly sound like Koyama? Spewing out this circle crap.”
“That’s not true, Koyama has the circle of love for NEWS,” Taguchi replied, shaking his head. Really considering Jin’s best friend was in that group you’d expect him to know at least the basics of a weekly meeting.
“We’re NOT doing that,” Jin declared.
“Well, we’re definitely doing something to get you to express what’s going on inside,” Taguchi insisted.
“No we’re definitely-” Jin began, but was cut off by the arrival of Koki.
“What’s up?” Koki asked, conversationally, sliding into the vacant chair, trying to get his own make-up done.
Taguchi blinked, “nothing,” he said with a shrug.
“We just finished,” Jin said, finally relieved of the make-up artist, he hastily made his way out of the room and away from Koki.
Koki let out a sigh, it really wasn’t getting any easier. Taguchi gave him a sympathetic smile, before hopping to his feet and trotting out after Jin.
With the mood he was in, it’d be a miracle if the group made it through the entire day in peace.
“Jin-kun!” Taguchi called, leaving Koki alone to gather his thoughts.
Koki hardly spoke as the make-up artist slathered him in powder, while usually Koki would casually talk with the make-up artist, this time he pensively stared at his reflection.
He was happy, it’d been a while since he really was happy, but having his love reciprocated was perhaps one of the singular best things that had ever occurred in his life, so much bigger than joining Johnny’s, better than even debuting. He had Kamenashi.
It was something Koki had dreamed of since he’d been an adolescent, however what he hadn’t banked on was the reaction he would get from Jin.
Although thinking about it logically, Koki should have really seen it coming. Though Kamenashi hardly gave it a thought, it was something that haunted Koki. He knew how much Jin cared for Kame, and he felt guilt rack through his body every time he thought about it.
Rather than a lovely bliss when kissing Kame, Koki instead felt the deep churn of bile whenever he caught sight of Jin shortly afterward.
He’d contemplated even breaking off his relationship with Kame, but the mere thought of actually doing that was enough to give Koki hard pains in his chest.
Kame was much to important and special to him to actually give up. And even though it hurt him to do so, Koki couldn’t bring himself to break it off, even for the sake of his friend.
Living with this sort of guilt only furthered his worry for Jin. The man had hardly deigned to look at either him nor at Kamenashi.
Although Kamenashi hardly seemed to notice, much to wrapped up in his own affairs to notice the sudden cold front Jin had been putting up. However to be fair it wasn’t as though Jin and Kamenashi had really been all that close since their little fall-out those few years ago.
Kamenashi was hardly phased by the older man, he hardly noticed the side glances Jin sent his way, he never picked up in the shadowed gaze that followed him every time he left the room.
He never knew just how much he was really hurting Jin.
* * *
Jin let out another sigh, they’d been sitting at the table for the last ten minutes waiting for the director to finally make his entrance.
“I kind of liked the dark theme,” Kamenashi said, tucking a stray lock of his new haircut away from his face.
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,” Ueda agreed, peering at the painting. “I thought having shadows in the back would be cool too,” he said. “But it’d probably best for Jin’s solo shots,” he added.
Kamenashi spared Jin a glance, before nodding, “I think that would work, we’ll have the director have a look at it.”
“Hey, that’s mine!” Nakamaru argued, quickly staking claim to the water bottle Koki was just about to drink from.
Koki blinked at him, before handing over the bottle, “sorry, I thought it was mine.”
Nakamaru gave Koki a rather long glance, “are you sure you’re alright? You look exhausted.”
Koki shrugged, “I didn’t sleep well last night.”
It seemed that got Kamenashi’s attention as he threw Koki a concerned look, “why? I thought you’d just gotten your new mattress a few days ago.”
Koki shook his head, ”I just had a lot on my mind.”
Kamenashi gave Koki’s hand a soft squeeze, “we’ll see about getting you some sleep tonight,” he assured.
Jin stared at their entwined hands, a bitter look already twisting itself onto his face. However before Kamenashi was able to turn about and face the group, Jin was up, and had his chair haphazardly slide left before flouncing off.
“The directors taking too long,” he said as he retreated to another corner of the room.
Kamenashi let out a long sigh, “this guy,” was all he muttered, tiredly rubbing his temples.
Nobody else dared say a word, and all Koki could do was let out a small cough.
“Is it just me, or has he been a bit more moody than lately?” Nakamaru asked, as he stared back at Jin’s retreating figure.
“It’s just you,” Ueda said rudely, before getting to his feet.
Taguchi followed suit.
“Am I missing something here?” Nakamaru asked, confused.
Kamenashi looked a bit lost as well. However before he could properly frame his concern the director chose to make his entrance.
It was time for work, affairs of the group dynamics would just have to wait.
* * *
“I am so sick of this,” Jin growled into his beer.
“It’s not like you’re making it any easier on anybody else,” Yamashita replied, taking a light swig of his own beer.
“Who cares?” Jin mumbled, “They don’t, so why the hell should I?”
“That’s a complete lie and you know it, I know for a fact Taguchi and Ueda have been hounding you for the last month about this,” Yamashita said, not leaving room for his best friend to formulate a response.
“Don’t turn on me now, man,” Jin complained, before burying himself in his beer again.
“I’m not turning anything, I’m just telling you the truth,” Yamashita said gently.
“Easy for you to say,” was Jin’s response.
Yamashita rolled his eyes, “watching you mope for the last month hasn’t exactly been easy, and I doubt anybody in your group has taken all that much pleasure out of it.” Yamashita paused, “I know Koki’s been really torn up about it,” he added tentatively.
“Good, he should be,” Jin said with a drunken nod.
“Maybe if you talked about it a bit, you wouldn’t be in this mess,” Yamashita replied, lightly taking Jin’s last beer out of his hands.
“There’s no mess,” Jin slurred. “All that happened is that Kame’s been…”
“Been?” Yamashita prompted.
“Been…Been…Been,” he couldn’t say it. He refused to say it, there was no way he could say it.
Yamashita remained eerily quiet as he stared as silent tears poured off of Jin’s face. The man refused to say anything more, and simply allowed his tears to fall.
Yamashita placed a light hand on his best friends back, “it’s okay,” he murmured, gently patting his shoulder.
The night was meant to be fun and drunken, not a night of tears and hidden confessions. Yamashita had known something was wrong already, he just hadn’t been prepared to know just how deeply rooted Jin’s feelings for his younger band mate seemed to be.
After another round of tequila shots, Jin was nicely docile and rather numb as he allowed his long held tears to slowly track salt along his face. And soon enough Yamashita had his friend lugged into the passenger seat of his car.
“You know I’m really just stupid,” Jin hiccupped.
“How so?” Yamashita replied absently as he pulled out of the lot.
“I seriously thought he liked me too, I thought we were actually friends,” Jin continued, blearily wiping at his bloodshot eyes.
“But he didn’t like me, not then, not now, not ever!” Jin said with a sniff. “And you wanna know something?” Jin asked.
The car had reached a stoplight, and Yamashita was patiently waiting for the light to fall down to the luminous green light.
“Pi, wanna know something?” Jin asked again, this time poking the driver in his side.
“Hmm?”
“It’s not fair, It’s not fucking fair!” Jin cried, “It hurts…It just fucking hurts!” he said, slowly dissolving into tears again.
Yamashita could really only stare back at Jin, much to shocked to move let alone push forward on the gas pedal.
And rather quickly he was shaken out of his shock by a shrill beeping of a horn from behind, and he quickly punched the gas and shot forward. Jin continued with his soft cries, lightly beating his chest.
It was a short distance from the bar to Jin’s apartment, however on the way up Jin looked as though he might have a digestive problem as he practically keeled over on the edge of the stairs looking ready to puke.
“No, no! Jin, c’mon, over here!” Yamashita cried, quickly leading Jin farther up the stairs to the second floor. Quickly finding the spare key above the door frame, Yamashita quickly drew the other man into the house.
Jin lurched forward, practically tumbling forward into his living room and landing on the pristine white carpet with a ‘thump’.
“Up we go,” Yamashita grunted as he heaved the other man up and pushed him down the hall to his bedroom.
“I have a headache,” Jin moaned, clutching his head.
“You’ll have more than that in the morning.” Yamashita replied lugging Jin onto the bed. “But all you can do now is sleep it off.”
Jin roughly sat up in bed, “You know I seriously thought I loved him,” he said.
“I know you did,” Yamashita replied, lightly pushing Jin under the covers.
“And it…it hurts, “ Jin began again slowly beginning to blubber.
“I know,” Yamashita said again, wishing he could something more, but knowing it would really bring little comfort.
He quietly exited the room, and made his way out of the apartment, he honestly hoped Jin would have no recollection of the night, confessing his broken-heart to someone was not something Jin would be able to live with.
* * *
It just wasn’t a good day for Jin, waking up to a splitting headache, the ringing of his cellphone and the general cries of Ueda yelling at him over the phone. “Jin get yourself here, NOW!”
Groggily dropping into a shower, and shaking himself out the door and into the crowded trains of Tokyo was not necessarily a good way to start off the day.
However the rather angry looks Ueda and Nakamaru were giving him was more than enough to sober him up just a little.
“Ah, Akanishi-kun, you’re here, now we can start,” the manager said pleasantly.
Jin fell into his seat, and tried to rub the incessant sleep out of his eyes. It didn’t really help that their manager seemed to have the volume of a loud horn as he continued to drone on about their planned activities.
“We’ve also set up another recording time for you, the producer has a few demo’s he’d like to record with you, and Johnny-san has been thinking we might need to get you all out into the public eye a bit more, so Ueda-kun we’ve set up an audition for you for a new drama,” he said.
Ueda merely nodded, not bothering to argue. “We’ll have it planned within the next twenty-four hours or so, and we’ll be putting in a few promo’s for the new single.”
“Any questions?” he asked. The room resonated in silence.
“Akanishi-kun?” the manager prompted, making Jin wince at the sudden throb in his head. Jin swiftly shook his head, hoping it would suffice.
“Alright that’s all for now, but you’ve got recording time booked in about twenty minutes, so situate yourselves properly for that,” he added, as he packed up his things.
He left leaving the group to shuffle about, Kamenashi practically bolted from the room, not daring to make eye contact with anyone, while Koki tried to run after him. “Kazu!” he cried.
“Just, leave me alone,” Kamenashi replied quietly before a rough ‘smack’ was heard as the door was slammed shut.
Jin winced again, why he hell did Kamenashi have to chose today of all days to try and have a diva fit?
However before Jin could nurse his splitting headache he was smacked on the side of the head rather heavily.
“OW!” He cried, shielding himself.
“You’re a complete idiot!” Ueda practically yelled.
“How could you?!” Taguchi cried shrilly, making Jin think that perhaps his own ears would bleed.
“Hang on, what’s going on?” Nakamaru asked, as he pushed his way across the room. “What’s wrong?”
“Jin’s an idiot!” Ueda replied, giving the man another smack to the head.
“OW!” Jin cried again, louder this time. “What the hell?” he cried.
“Look, I know we said for you to talk about it, but you didn’t have to be a complete asshole about it!” Taguchi said, his face a very pale white, a clear sign that he was slowly losing his temper.
“What’re you talking about?” Nakamaru asked, confusedly looking between all three of them.
Ueda let a low growl as he looked ready to strike on Jin’s head once again, except for the fact that Koki had come back and somehow managed to grab a hold of Ueda’s muscular arm.
“Let’s just calm down,” Koki said, gently pushing Ueda’s hand to his side.
“Can we listen to Koki?” Jin pleaded, still quite sore from the head, and still nursing his awful hangover.
Ueda didn’t say a word, before he threw himself into one of the plush chairs along the far side of the room, with Taguchi joining him moments later.
Nakamaru alone remained motionless, “what’s going on?” he asked.
Koki threw a glance at Jin, who looked completely and utterly befuddled as he gently massaged his head.
Jin stared back, and could clearly read the mixed emotions in Koki’s eyes, frustration, anger, sadness, guilt and pity.
Just what exactly was going on?
* * *
Author’s Note: Don’t hate me please, I’ve got the next chapter done. Anyway I was originally planning to have this as a one-shot, but somehow it grew to be a three-shot.
Anyway I hope you guys liked this first part, and if you’ve got any comments or criticisms for me I’d really appreciate any sort of feedback. Thanks!
Summary: The phrase ‘All’s fair in love and war’ doesn’t even begin to cover the many problems Jin seems to have as he struggles with his inner demons and finds the hidden depths of his heart.
Pairings: Akame, Kokame
Genre: Friendship, romance, angst
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, although I wish I could have a Taguchi XD
Author’s Note: I know Jin’s not KAT-TUN anymore, but I’ve had this plotbunny for a while so we’ll just pretend shall we?
"Fair is just a four letter word"
It really wasn’t fair, and it didn’t really matter how many times anybody tried to point out the obvious and oh so true fact that ‘life is never fair’.
No matter how many times Jin heard it, no matter how many times the idea was drilled into his head, it didn’t stop him from complaining.
It just wasn’t fair that he was banned from showing his proper emotions, and from showing his honest interest. It didn’t matter that the issue had been settled years ago, it didn’t matter that the story was ‘old news’. It just wasn’t fair.
Standing around idly, waiting for the next take he couldn’t help but notice how touchy Kamenashi and Koki were being. Just because there was a slight break didn’t mean the two could go off being a Lovey-dovey new couple for all the world to see.
It didn’t matter that Ueda, Taguchi and Nakamaru didn’t care, he did.
Why was it that Koki and Kamenashi were allowed to go around flaunting their relationship to cameras? Why was Koki allowed to flirt in front of the fans? Why was there a new out pour of ‘KoKame’, as Taguchi had taken to pointing out.
Why exactly was it that Koki could do as he pleased and feel up on his boyfriend whenever he wanted, when Jin hadn’t been allowed to, when both he and Kamenashi had been called into a meeting and briefly ordered to cease all ‘affection’ on camera?
And why did Kamenashi go along with it?
Maybe that’s what made him snap, not that Jin would ever admit to actually snapping.
The heavy stare Kamenashi was giving Koki, and the almost magnetic way the two were approaching one another, had Jin on his knees yelling nonsense.
No one seemed to really notice Jin’s actual reason for starting his own factory skit, except for the two who hardly ever participated in it.
Nakamaru obliged, joining in, with Kamenashi and Koki quick to break away from their staring.
Ueda alone, gave Jin a rather tired look, while Taguchi gave him a strangely knowing smile.
Needless to say it didn’t help Jin feel any less annoyed with his entire day.
* * *
“Maybe you aught to tone it down, just a bit,” Ueda muttered, as the two walked out of the studio.
“Tone what down?” Jin asked innocently.
Ueda rolled his eyes, “you know exactly ‘what’.”
Jin let out a heavy sigh, “it’s just not fair!”
“Nothing in life is fair, you should have that figured out already.”
Jin pouted, just because it was true didn’t make it any less unfair. It didn’t really make any difference anyway, Ueda wouldn’t get it either way.
It wasn’t as though Jin particularly enjoyed having these emotions, he just didn’t think it was fair, and there wasn’t much anyone could do to reason it out.
Emotions weren’t ever really based off of reason to be honest.
Still, Jin didn’t enjoy the churning bile he felt in the pit of his stomach when he walked into work everyday and had to watch Kamenashi and Koki give each other secretive smiles, watch the batting eyelashes, note the touchy hands from beneath the table.
It was just strange, Kamenashi, the usually serious and most diligent of the group had fallen to giggling like a school girl when interacting with his boyfriend. The professionalism that Kamenashi usually exuded was gone, and in his place was the playful man that Jin had hardly ever seen.
Why was it that when it had been Jin in Koki’s place Kamenashi had never done such things? Alright, perhaps the two weren’t exactly ‘exclusive’ but Jin had always felt there was more to their fanservice than just, well fanservice.
Even though the intention had always been to service the fans, Jin couldn’t help but feel there was actually more to it.
Those small caresses, the closeness, it couldn’t have all just been for show, right?
It was something that had confused Jin since the start. Johnny-san had called them in, and ordered their stop in the fanservice, it was becoming too much and the tabloids had been working it up to be more than it was, it wasn’t an image he wanted for the boys, at least not that early in their careers.
Jin had argued, fought with Johnny-san on that particular issue, but Kamenashi had just remained silent, and had taken the orders to heart and hardly even bothered to look at Jin thereafter.
He’d never admit it, but it hurt him. The two had been so close, and now it was almost as though the two were strangers, it was as though Kamenashi had actually become a stranger.
This new man with his boyfriend, he wasn’t somebody Jin recognized.
It just wasn’t fair.
***
“They look happy, don’t they?” Taguchi commented, as he perched himself lightly beside Jin, observing the frolicking pair of lovers.
“Mm,” Jin responded, not even bothering to glance at Taguchi, much to interested in observing the tickle war Kamenashi and Koki had declared upon eachother.
“It must be nice,” Taguchi continued a soft smile splayed on his lips.
Jin pursed his lips, not wanting to respond.
“I wish I could find someone like that too,” Taguchi said, a rather contemplative expression on his face.
“I don’t see why we have to see it,” Jin finally huffed, crossing his arms, and looking away from the two with a rather haughty look.
“Well, why not, I think it’s cute, besides it’s not like they’re doing anything wrong.”
“I don’t need to see it,” Jin replied, before getting to his feet and walking off. Talking to Taguchi always gave him a headache.
“Jealousy is a deadly sin!” Taguchi called out lightly to him, Jin’s only response was an airy wave as he flounced out of the room in search of something better to do.
“He seems happy,” Ueda commented, from his spot on the couch adjacent to them.
Taguchi nodded, ”he needs a nap.”
Ueda let out a sigh, “and you need to get a clue, sometimes.”
“Eh?” was Taguchi’s only response.
* * *
“I thought you were going to blow up back there,” Ueda commented.
“Blow what?” Jin asked distractedly, still much too pre-occupied with his anger, and said ‘disgust’.
Jin had just had the wondrous misfortune of walking in on Kamenashi and Koki groping at each other in a broom closet.
“Not, what I was talking about!” Ueda replied, with an eye roll.
Jin merely shrugged, “I didn’t mean it like that, it’s not my fault you’ve been hanging out with Taguchi so much that you’re hearing puns where there isn’t any.”
“I don’t think my hanging out with Taguchi has anything to do with this,” Ueda replied coldly, his dark gaze piercing an uncaring Jin.
There was a moments pause, and Ueda’s gaze softened, “we’re worried about you,” he said rather softly.
“I’m fine,” Jin replied absently.
“You’re not fine!’ Ueda bit back. “I think you need to talk to them.”
“I don’t need to do anything, what you need to do right now, Ueda is get off my case and leave me alone!” Jin replied, before walking off in a whirl of anger.
Ueda wasn’t lying when he said they were worried. Both he and Taguchi had spent many a mail conversation discussing their worry. It wasn’t as though Koki hadn’t tried to talk to Jin about it.
It was just that Jin was behaving a bit more stubbornly than was really necessary.
Any attempt Koki had made to bridge the gap, to fix the situation had been rebutted by a curt reply or an immature sigh and ‘I don’t care!’ from Jin.
As much as Jin seemed to like complaining, it seemed there was little he was willing to do to fix the problem.
And Kamenashi, he’d been kept rather in the dark about the whole incident. More for the fact that although Ueda was known to be more of a fighter in the group, Kamenashi had little patience to deal with Jin’s immature antics and would undoubtedly attempt a drastic fix and only result in making things worse.
Moreover, Kamenashi probably wouldn’t understand. What Jin wanted was far out of reach, and most definitely something he wouldn’t be able to attain.
* * *
“Jealousy makes everyone look ugly,” Taguchi said, matter-of-factly. He was sitting beside Jin, who in turn was unable to escape due to the fact that he was trapped by the make-up artist.
“And your face is good enough to be a Halloween mask!” Jin retorted, with a pout, hoping to drive the tall man away.
No such luck though, as Taguchi merely made himself more comfortable by fixing his cushion and squirming back into the couch.
“We need to have a circle of expression in the group,” Taguchi said easily, ignoring Jin’s prior comment.
“A circle of what?” Jin asked.
“A circle of expression,” Taguchi replied promptly.
“Why do you suddenly sound like Koyama? Spewing out this circle crap.”
“That’s not true, Koyama has the circle of love for NEWS,” Taguchi replied, shaking his head. Really considering Jin’s best friend was in that group you’d expect him to know at least the basics of a weekly meeting.
“We’re NOT doing that,” Jin declared.
“Well, we’re definitely doing something to get you to express what’s going on inside,” Taguchi insisted.
“No we’re definitely-” Jin began, but was cut off by the arrival of Koki.
“What’s up?” Koki asked, conversationally, sliding into the vacant chair, trying to get his own make-up done.
Taguchi blinked, “nothing,” he said with a shrug.
“We just finished,” Jin said, finally relieved of the make-up artist, he hastily made his way out of the room and away from Koki.
Koki let out a sigh, it really wasn’t getting any easier. Taguchi gave him a sympathetic smile, before hopping to his feet and trotting out after Jin.
With the mood he was in, it’d be a miracle if the group made it through the entire day in peace.
“Jin-kun!” Taguchi called, leaving Koki alone to gather his thoughts.
Koki hardly spoke as the make-up artist slathered him in powder, while usually Koki would casually talk with the make-up artist, this time he pensively stared at his reflection.
He was happy, it’d been a while since he really was happy, but having his love reciprocated was perhaps one of the singular best things that had ever occurred in his life, so much bigger than joining Johnny’s, better than even debuting. He had Kamenashi.
It was something Koki had dreamed of since he’d been an adolescent, however what he hadn’t banked on was the reaction he would get from Jin.
Although thinking about it logically, Koki should have really seen it coming. Though Kamenashi hardly gave it a thought, it was something that haunted Koki. He knew how much Jin cared for Kame, and he felt guilt rack through his body every time he thought about it.
Rather than a lovely bliss when kissing Kame, Koki instead felt the deep churn of bile whenever he caught sight of Jin shortly afterward.
He’d contemplated even breaking off his relationship with Kame, but the mere thought of actually doing that was enough to give Koki hard pains in his chest.
Kame was much to important and special to him to actually give up. And even though it hurt him to do so, Koki couldn’t bring himself to break it off, even for the sake of his friend.
Living with this sort of guilt only furthered his worry for Jin. The man had hardly deigned to look at either him nor at Kamenashi.
Although Kamenashi hardly seemed to notice, much to wrapped up in his own affairs to notice the sudden cold front Jin had been putting up. However to be fair it wasn’t as though Jin and Kamenashi had really been all that close since their little fall-out those few years ago.
Kamenashi was hardly phased by the older man, he hardly noticed the side glances Jin sent his way, he never picked up in the shadowed gaze that followed him every time he left the room.
He never knew just how much he was really hurting Jin.
* * *
Jin let out another sigh, they’d been sitting at the table for the last ten minutes waiting for the director to finally make his entrance.
“I kind of liked the dark theme,” Kamenashi said, tucking a stray lock of his new haircut away from his face.
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,” Ueda agreed, peering at the painting. “I thought having shadows in the back would be cool too,” he said. “But it’d probably best for Jin’s solo shots,” he added.
Kamenashi spared Jin a glance, before nodding, “I think that would work, we’ll have the director have a look at it.”
“Hey, that’s mine!” Nakamaru argued, quickly staking claim to the water bottle Koki was just about to drink from.
Koki blinked at him, before handing over the bottle, “sorry, I thought it was mine.”
Nakamaru gave Koki a rather long glance, “are you sure you’re alright? You look exhausted.”
Koki shrugged, “I didn’t sleep well last night.”
It seemed that got Kamenashi’s attention as he threw Koki a concerned look, “why? I thought you’d just gotten your new mattress a few days ago.”
Koki shook his head, ”I just had a lot on my mind.”
Kamenashi gave Koki’s hand a soft squeeze, “we’ll see about getting you some sleep tonight,” he assured.
Jin stared at their entwined hands, a bitter look already twisting itself onto his face. However before Kamenashi was able to turn about and face the group, Jin was up, and had his chair haphazardly slide left before flouncing off.
“The directors taking too long,” he said as he retreated to another corner of the room.
Kamenashi let out a long sigh, “this guy,” was all he muttered, tiredly rubbing his temples.
Nobody else dared say a word, and all Koki could do was let out a small cough.
“Is it just me, or has he been a bit more moody than lately?” Nakamaru asked, as he stared back at Jin’s retreating figure.
“It’s just you,” Ueda said rudely, before getting to his feet.
Taguchi followed suit.
“Am I missing something here?” Nakamaru asked, confused.
Kamenashi looked a bit lost as well. However before he could properly frame his concern the director chose to make his entrance.
It was time for work, affairs of the group dynamics would just have to wait.
* * *
“I am so sick of this,” Jin growled into his beer.
“It’s not like you’re making it any easier on anybody else,” Yamashita replied, taking a light swig of his own beer.
“Who cares?” Jin mumbled, “They don’t, so why the hell should I?”
“That’s a complete lie and you know it, I know for a fact Taguchi and Ueda have been hounding you for the last month about this,” Yamashita said, not leaving room for his best friend to formulate a response.
“Don’t turn on me now, man,” Jin complained, before burying himself in his beer again.
“I’m not turning anything, I’m just telling you the truth,” Yamashita said gently.
“Easy for you to say,” was Jin’s response.
Yamashita rolled his eyes, “watching you mope for the last month hasn’t exactly been easy, and I doubt anybody in your group has taken all that much pleasure out of it.” Yamashita paused, “I know Koki’s been really torn up about it,” he added tentatively.
“Good, he should be,” Jin said with a drunken nod.
“Maybe if you talked about it a bit, you wouldn’t be in this mess,” Yamashita replied, lightly taking Jin’s last beer out of his hands.
“There’s no mess,” Jin slurred. “All that happened is that Kame’s been…”
“Been?” Yamashita prompted.
“Been…Been…Been,” he couldn’t say it. He refused to say it, there was no way he could say it.
Yamashita remained eerily quiet as he stared as silent tears poured off of Jin’s face. The man refused to say anything more, and simply allowed his tears to fall.
Yamashita placed a light hand on his best friends back, “it’s okay,” he murmured, gently patting his shoulder.
The night was meant to be fun and drunken, not a night of tears and hidden confessions. Yamashita had known something was wrong already, he just hadn’t been prepared to know just how deeply rooted Jin’s feelings for his younger band mate seemed to be.
After another round of tequila shots, Jin was nicely docile and rather numb as he allowed his long held tears to slowly track salt along his face. And soon enough Yamashita had his friend lugged into the passenger seat of his car.
“You know I’m really just stupid,” Jin hiccupped.
“How so?” Yamashita replied absently as he pulled out of the lot.
“I seriously thought he liked me too, I thought we were actually friends,” Jin continued, blearily wiping at his bloodshot eyes.
“But he didn’t like me, not then, not now, not ever!” Jin said with a sniff. “And you wanna know something?” Jin asked.
The car had reached a stoplight, and Yamashita was patiently waiting for the light to fall down to the luminous green light.
“Pi, wanna know something?” Jin asked again, this time poking the driver in his side.
“Hmm?”
“It’s not fair, It’s not fucking fair!” Jin cried, “It hurts…It just fucking hurts!” he said, slowly dissolving into tears again.
Yamashita could really only stare back at Jin, much to shocked to move let alone push forward on the gas pedal.
And rather quickly he was shaken out of his shock by a shrill beeping of a horn from behind, and he quickly punched the gas and shot forward. Jin continued with his soft cries, lightly beating his chest.
It was a short distance from the bar to Jin’s apartment, however on the way up Jin looked as though he might have a digestive problem as he practically keeled over on the edge of the stairs looking ready to puke.
“No, no! Jin, c’mon, over here!” Yamashita cried, quickly leading Jin farther up the stairs to the second floor. Quickly finding the spare key above the door frame, Yamashita quickly drew the other man into the house.
Jin lurched forward, practically tumbling forward into his living room and landing on the pristine white carpet with a ‘thump’.
“Up we go,” Yamashita grunted as he heaved the other man up and pushed him down the hall to his bedroom.
“I have a headache,” Jin moaned, clutching his head.
“You’ll have more than that in the morning.” Yamashita replied lugging Jin onto the bed. “But all you can do now is sleep it off.”
Jin roughly sat up in bed, “You know I seriously thought I loved him,” he said.
“I know you did,” Yamashita replied, lightly pushing Jin under the covers.
“And it…it hurts, “ Jin began again slowly beginning to blubber.
“I know,” Yamashita said again, wishing he could something more, but knowing it would really bring little comfort.
He quietly exited the room, and made his way out of the apartment, he honestly hoped Jin would have no recollection of the night, confessing his broken-heart to someone was not something Jin would be able to live with.
* * *
It just wasn’t a good day for Jin, waking up to a splitting headache, the ringing of his cellphone and the general cries of Ueda yelling at him over the phone. “Jin get yourself here, NOW!”
Groggily dropping into a shower, and shaking himself out the door and into the crowded trains of Tokyo was not necessarily a good way to start off the day.
However the rather angry looks Ueda and Nakamaru were giving him was more than enough to sober him up just a little.
“Ah, Akanishi-kun, you’re here, now we can start,” the manager said pleasantly.
Jin fell into his seat, and tried to rub the incessant sleep out of his eyes. It didn’t really help that their manager seemed to have the volume of a loud horn as he continued to drone on about their planned activities.
“We’ve also set up another recording time for you, the producer has a few demo’s he’d like to record with you, and Johnny-san has been thinking we might need to get you all out into the public eye a bit more, so Ueda-kun we’ve set up an audition for you for a new drama,” he said.
Ueda merely nodded, not bothering to argue. “We’ll have it planned within the next twenty-four hours or so, and we’ll be putting in a few promo’s for the new single.”
“Any questions?” he asked. The room resonated in silence.
“Akanishi-kun?” the manager prompted, making Jin wince at the sudden throb in his head. Jin swiftly shook his head, hoping it would suffice.
“Alright that’s all for now, but you’ve got recording time booked in about twenty minutes, so situate yourselves properly for that,” he added, as he packed up his things.
He left leaving the group to shuffle about, Kamenashi practically bolted from the room, not daring to make eye contact with anyone, while Koki tried to run after him. “Kazu!” he cried.
“Just, leave me alone,” Kamenashi replied quietly before a rough ‘smack’ was heard as the door was slammed shut.
Jin winced again, why he hell did Kamenashi have to chose today of all days to try and have a diva fit?
However before Jin could nurse his splitting headache he was smacked on the side of the head rather heavily.
“OW!” He cried, shielding himself.
“You’re a complete idiot!” Ueda practically yelled.
“How could you?!” Taguchi cried shrilly, making Jin think that perhaps his own ears would bleed.
“Hang on, what’s going on?” Nakamaru asked, as he pushed his way across the room. “What’s wrong?”
“Jin’s an idiot!” Ueda replied, giving the man another smack to the head.
“OW!” Jin cried again, louder this time. “What the hell?” he cried.
“Look, I know we said for you to talk about it, but you didn’t have to be a complete asshole about it!” Taguchi said, his face a very pale white, a clear sign that he was slowly losing his temper.
“What’re you talking about?” Nakamaru asked, confusedly looking between all three of them.
Ueda let a low growl as he looked ready to strike on Jin’s head once again, except for the fact that Koki had come back and somehow managed to grab a hold of Ueda’s muscular arm.
“Let’s just calm down,” Koki said, gently pushing Ueda’s hand to his side.
“Can we listen to Koki?” Jin pleaded, still quite sore from the head, and still nursing his awful hangover.
Ueda didn’t say a word, before he threw himself into one of the plush chairs along the far side of the room, with Taguchi joining him moments later.
Nakamaru alone remained motionless, “what’s going on?” he asked.
Koki threw a glance at Jin, who looked completely and utterly befuddled as he gently massaged his head.
Jin stared back, and could clearly read the mixed emotions in Koki’s eyes, frustration, anger, sadness, guilt and pity.
Just what exactly was going on?
* * *
Author’s Note: Don’t hate me please, I’ve got the next chapter done. Anyway I was originally planning to have this as a one-shot, but somehow it grew to be a three-shot.
Anyway I hope you guys liked this first part, and if you’ve got any comments or criticisms for me I’d really appreciate any sort of feedback. Thanks!