NC-17 | Finding Out the Ways of This World | J2 (6/8)
Master Post
Thirty
Live a little closer to what is true
Over the final months of his twenty-ninth year, Jensen cleans house. Literally and figuratively.
His apartment is kept spotless on a daily basis. His wardrobe is upgraded as he tosses rags he’s kept for far too long. Then he stops drinking so much, goes on every audition possible, and pushes himself harder at every corner.
Whenever Chris or Steve invite him to parties, he turns them down and fights over what’s more important: rubbing elbows with the upper class or paying his dues with small cameos and walk-on roles for second-tier cable shows.
He answers work every single time.
*
Fame doesn’t catch on, but he’s working. People behind the scenes start to acknowledge him and his name floats around for more character roles that he can aim at.
On his thirtieth, Danneel takes him out for a fancy dinner and drinks at some place that the paparazzi lives. She jokes, “Make you feel like a real star on your birthday.” She’s done enough with her career to be mildly known, and their pictures are taken on the way in and out. He ducks his head while she smiles.
Danneel toasts to a new life, a better decade than the last. He warmly smiles, actually believes in it.
He’s never set resolutions because he never believed in that kind of encouragement, but he feels like this is the time to start. He vows to push Danneel and let her shove him right back.
After a handful of drinks, they shake on it.
*
The summer floats by in a blur of random jobs and meetings and even more auditions.
Shelly calls more, to the point that he’s actually annoyed by her voice.
He shakes his head every time he hangs up on her, but then he smiles a little to know that she’s putting in more time for him.
She even takes him to lunch, to the sushi joint he used to work. It’s awkward but then he gets cocky to know that some other wannabe actor is serving their food while Jensen’s finally making a living.
He’s not rich by any means. There’s no way he’ll leave his apartment as soon as he’d like; he can’t upgrade that portion of his life just yet. But he makes enough to get by without complaint.
Shelly says he smiles more.
*
A short break in September allows him to go home. His mother clutches him. His father cuffs the back of his head before pulling him in, too.
When they ask what he’s been up to, he scratches the back of his head and says “Workin’, got a few things lined up.”
His mom pats his cheek and smirks. “We saw a few of the TV shows. But Jensen? That movie? I don’t wanna see you like that.”
He chuckles. “I know, you said that when it came out.”
For the first time in years, he’s more than ready to sit and talk with them, tell them what he’s doing. He’s not ashamed to admit that he spends some days on the couch with nothing but daytime TV to waste away breaks between jobs. It’s all different because he’s actually getting roles and they actually watch him on occasion, even for a small drop-in or five minutes of an hour-long drama.
After dinner, Mackenzie shows him the folder of downloads on the computer where she stores all his clips.
He hugs her from behind, kisses her neck, and squeezes harder.
Comfortable doesn’t begin to describe it.
*
A bit part in a Christmas romantic comedy brings him to the holidays. He’s silent on screen more than he isn’t, but it’s something.
He attends the premiere with Danneel as thanks for all she’s done to kick and force him into action.
They’re happy and easy together, and he smiles for every camera, even when it’s still something he’s not used to.
He doesn’t say that they’re together, but they both know how it looks. They’ve been photographed together enough times that most people think they are and the gossip mills run with it. It’s not a contract, but they acknowledge it helps a bit to be seen this way.
She wraps a hand around his elbow and smiles with him. It’s an easy gesture they’ve done in dozens of places over the past year. Meaning, when she squeezes and leans in, he doesn’t expect it to be anything but casual.
Jensen looks off to the side as she murmurs, “I think we oughta keep moving.” He follows her view even when she tries to pull him away.
Jared’s coming down the carpet, all cool and laid-back but looking better than ever. His star has gone higher than when Jensen last talked to him. It’s become a bit common for Jared or others on his show to attend premieres, have their faces out there, get a picture taken, so it’s not all too unexpected.
“Let’s head inside,” she prompts, carefully pulling him away.
Jensen follows, but shoots a few looks over his shoulder. He sees Jared catch him, sees how Jared’s eyes zero in on Danneel, too. Jared tips his head then gives a tight smile. Jensen turns and goes back inside before anything more happens.
*
They’re on far sides of the theater but Jared’s unmistakable with his height and good looks. He spends most of the movie watching Jared. He logs each time Jared laughs, when Jared smiles, how Jared’s head slants whenever Jensen’s on screen. And during one particular scene where Jensen’s character is soaked after a fight in the rain, shirt skintight, Jared bites his lip.
Jensen shifts towards Danneel. “I can’t stand this,” he mutters.
She looks at him then leans up to see Jared, face lit by the screen and smirking at one of Jensen’s deadpanned lines. “You’re not running.”
His elbow presses hard into the armrest then he covers his mouth. “I know, I know. But, I just … shit.”
“What?”
“What do I do?”
“You try to enjoy the movie,” he insists, pulling his arm down and holding his hand in support.
He pays attention to the screen for two minutes then grumbles. “I hate watching myself.”
Danneel chuckles and squeezes his hand. “You’re not even in it that much. Stop being dramatic.” She leans in closer, murmurs, “Besides, you’re the one who’s on top of the night.”
Jensen looks left and sees Jared watching them for a moment before going back to the movie. He chuckles, lacking humor or anything that isn’t just a tangle of nerves.
*
They travel to a nearby club for the after party. They’re mingling and people talk to Danneel as much as they do Jensen, so it’s easy to get through, neither failing to enjoy themselves.
After a few drinks, he’s happy and warm and texts a few friends, his parents, and brother and sister; he tells them it’s gone well, even adds a smile at the end. A couple texts fly back in with various modes of congratulations, and he’s grinning in person.
The phone buzzes again and his mouth stalls: Almost surprised by how good it was.
He doesn’t know the number but he has a feeling. A scan of the room gives him Jared in the corner, eying him from behind a long sip from a glass. He flashes back to a year ago, that morning after when Danneel talked him into deleting Jared’s number so he wouldn’t do something foolish like text while under the influence. Jensen returns: Should I be insulted you didn’t expect much?
Jensen keeps watching Jared, sees the flicker of annoyance on his face before he fires back a response.
Are you? That’s not my intention.
And what is? is sent back. Jensen’s heart is racing, so not wanting to play harshly, but he’s not sure where else to go.
To give a friend a pat on the back.
Jensen finds Jared’s eyes and they’re softer than he’d expected. He’s staring, as is Jared, and Danneel appears at his side with a fresh drink and a smile. Jensen focuses on her, smiles with her excitement over a possible lead for a movie that she has to ask her agent about.
Jared texts: You look happy together.
He flips between Danneel and Jared and back to her, but then she’s talking with someone she knows from a past project. Jensen swallows, makes sure she’s not watching him, and replies. We’re not.
Can we get a drink?
Jensen smirks a little. I already have one. He spots Jared’s tired look and how his tongue pokes out from inside of his cheek in aggravation, and Jensen chuckles.
*
They meet in a corner that’s not entirely deserted, but it’s thinned out enough to draw little attention. Jared leans across the bar-top table and smiles up at Jensen. “It really was good. You were, too.”
He tries for nonchalant by drinking, unwilling to smile for Jared. “I’m still stuck on you thinking it would suck.”
Jared laughs. “No, I never said suck.” He holds his glass between both hands and stares into it. “You just never know what you’re getting into when you go to these things. You know?” he asks, suddenly looking up.
“I don’t go to a lot of these, so no, I don’t.”
He stands, plants his hands at the table,and looks uncomfortable. “Is there a reason you’re giving me a hard time?”
Jensen keeps his eyes to his drink as he sips, even shrugs, because he doesn’t know how to proceed. Everything in his mind is sour, and while he wants to give Jared a piece of mind, he’s trying to be better than that.
With a nod, Jared finishes off his drink and puts the empty to the table. “Alright, I guess it’s not a big deal,” he says lightly. As he moves around the table, he pats at Jensen’s back with the other hand at his chest, and squeezes as he leans in. “I’m happy for you. You’re doing real good.”
Jensen’s hand covers the one at his chest and Jared stalls; his breath catches at the touch, feels warm all over, and wants more. “Who was the girl?” Jensen asks quietly. “From last year.”
“What about yours?”
“Good friend.”
Jared visibly swallows. “Old girlfriend.” Jensen’s face turns down, he’s sure of it, because Jared looks just a bit guilty. “We were giving it another go, but not all too seriously. I said so that night.”
Jensen snorts and turns towards Jared while releasing his hand. “I deleted the message.”
Jared smiles awkwardly.
“And your number.”
“Are you kidding me?” he asks with a hollow laugh.
The way Jensen looks away is sure to tell Jared it’s true, but he doesn’t say much more. Danneel is watching with a sad tip of the head and twist of the mouth.
Jared follows the look and frowns. “This can’t be good.” They both see Danneel shake her head, roll her eyes, and turn away. “Does she know that you’re - ”
“She knows about you.” At Jared’s sharp look, he continues, “And me. She knows how I …” and he trails off, unable to admit it. Jensen shakes his head, steels himself, and straightens his jacket. “I should get back to her. She’s still my date and all.”
With a soft hand, Jared holds Jensen’s wrist. “Can we talk? Maybe figure this stuff out?”
It takes all he has to relive the anguish of nights wondering what they had between them, of not having Jared as he wanted. It takes even more for him to give a sad smile and walk away.
Part Seven