Team Free Everything 3: Revenge of Free Will
Third in what has now become a Team Free Everything ‘verse. As always, totally silly, not at all meant to be taken seriously.
Also, it’s worth mentioning that I have not personally read/seen most of the things that Castiel talks about in his pop-culture references. If I’ve gotten anything hopelessly wrong, please don’t hesitate to tell me.
Warnings: SPOILERS for 9.23. Some swearing.
Team Free Everything 3: Revenge of Free Will
“Sam!” Castiel says, hurrying to keep up with the hunter as they walk back towards the bunker, “what you said back there was more than a little precipitous-it was downright irresponsible!”
Sam tosses a duffel to Castiel and shoulders open the door. “It’s our only shot to round up all the angels, Cas, at least for now. And what’s the deal with free wi-fi?”
“It is dangerous to provide anything for free,” Castiel says, throwing the bag on the table as Sam flicks on the lights. “Your books and your history have taught me as much.”
“Cas-”
“We need names! We need banners!” Castiel cries. “What use would the angels have for these leaders if everything was provided to them for… for free?”
“Cas, it’s just internet access-”
“The keys to a portal with infinite power!” Castiel thunders. “Have you not read Game of Thrones, Sam? Nobody cares about the nameless, faceless unwashed masses that populate those lands! That are massacred! Only the unwashed lords and kings! If power is distributed freely to the everyday angel, then-then there is no story left! No incentive! Nothing for the angels to organise themselves around!” He brings his fist down on the table, making Sam jump.
“Sounding a bit like Metatron there,” Sam says mildly.
Castiel seems to deflate. “Oh. I, uh-” He runs a hand through his hair, “I suppose that is, well. Right.” He worries his lip, then brightens. “What of technical difficulties?” he asks, waggling his eyebrows.
“What of them?”
“I mean, how were you even planning to provide them wi-fi access Sam? From my understanding, it requires an application of certain branches of physics that might not-”
“Souls, Cas. They’re like batteries. I just learnt how to tap into mine better than most, is all.” Sam drops into a chair, puts his feet on the table, and smiles triumphantly.
There’s a long, long silence, then Castiel ventures, “Angels… do not have souls, Sam.”
Sam’s smile falters. He removes his feet from the table.
Gadreel walks into the bunker at that moment, stuffing his new cellphone into his pocket. “I just talked to Hannah,” he says. “Heaven is flooded by calls from angels all over the world-they all want to come back for free, unlimited internet.” He grins widely. “My friends, we are on the verge of success!”
Castiel crosses his arms and looks at Sam pointedly.
“Well,” Sam says, scratches the back of his neck, and laughs weakly.
-
8th day of September, 2014 AD
7:30:55 PM
Day 485 After Freedom
I couldn’t find an empty book, but one of the rooms where the humans wash themselves had an entire roll of empty paper, presumably for when inspiration strikes. They really are rather innovative thinkers.
I have been encouraged by Castiel Cas to keep a written record of events as they transpire. He tells me that this is what marks great missions, and accords more importance to things than they perhaps deserve.
Wait. I’m sorry. This is not how he told me to write this.
“Keep a written record of events as they transpire,” Castiel Cas said. “This is what marks great missions, and accords more importance to them than they perhaps deserve.”
I hope I did that right.
-
“You’re giving me a headache,” Castiel says.
Sam stops and stares at him. “I walked across the room twice. To get a beer!”
“Perhaps,” Castiel says coldly, “it is the result of being assaulted by your blunt, ill-informed assumptions!”
“It might be fruitful to consider,” Gadreel intervenes hastily, “the possibility of using angelic grace in a similar manner to human souls.” Sam turns and smiles at him, and Gadreel has to look away in embarrassment.
“Grace in an earthbound angel,” Castiel says, “is like midichlorians-it’s a nonsensical origin for meaningless superpowers.”
“Your cynicism is very unbecoming, Castiel,” Gadreel says, casting a furtive side-glance at Sam. He is gratified when Sam smiles at him again.
“Well, it’s either that or extracting their grace and seeing what happens.” Sam turns on Castiel. “What do you have? Grace? A soul? Or are you just an empty vessel into which everybody else pour their existential crises?”
“Sam!” Castiel cries, standing up so fast he knocks his chair back. Gadreel winces in the resulting clatter.
Sam and Castiel continue glaring at each other, until Castiel shakes his head, whirls around, and punches the wall.
The wall cracks, breaks, and a winged monkey shoots out and knocks Castiel down.
-
10th day of September, 2014 AD
4:44:32 PM
Day 487 After Freedom
I have been informed that this paper is actually used to clean human rears after expelling waste.
Humans seem to be bound to meaningless traditions just as much as angels. To use paper when there is an overabundance of water!
I wonder if we are not better staying in this irrational world. Certainly I see no difference from Heaven!
[SHUT UP, GADREEL. - cas]
Finis