DN Fic - “Temporary Measures”
Title: Temporary Measures
Fandom: Death Note/OHSHC
Prompt: the characters of Death Note in the world of Ouran High School Host Club
Wordcount: 563
Genre: Humor/Crack
Rating/Warnings: K+
Summary: Light has a plan. Mello is not so happy with this plan. L is just here for the cake.
Author’s Notes: For powdered_opium - I hope you enjoy it, and Merry Christmas! :D
-
“This is the dumbest idea you’ve ever had, Kira,” says Mello. “And that includes the obvious.”
“Do you have a better idea?” Light bristles.
“Actually, I do,” says Mello. “You should stop beating around the bush and prostitute yourself for real.”
“Ha, ha,” says Light. “A host club is not prostitution. Besides, you’re the one who dresses like a hooker.”
“I dress like a sex symbol,” Mello sniffs, “and I say this idea is stupid.”
“Think about it logically, though,” L puts in, looking up from his cake. “We’re certainly suited to the work, and research has indicated that host clubs in this place are extremely profitable.”
“Yeah, we don’t have to do it forever,” says Matt. “Only long enough to afford our combination book/video game/toy/cake/candy store.”
“I still don’t see why we have to combine them all and work with Yagami,” Mello grumbles. “Moreover, I don’t see why we even have to worry about finances in the afterlife. And while we’re on the subject, if this is the afterlife, why is Near here? He didn’t die.”
“The rules of logic, physics, and time seem to work differently here,” says Near without looking up from the toy he’s playing with. “I saw a girl’s eyes turn into hearts earlier today. And I think there was a man whose head actually became temporarily engulfed in flame when he became angry, but who was fine a moment later.”
“I’ve noticed that,” Mello muses. He turns a challenging look to L. “So what, we just have to put up with this host club bullshit until we have enough money to open our other store?” L nods, and he sighs dramatically. “Fine. Fine.”
“Wonderful!” Misa Amane claps her hands. “Now we should all decide what roles you’ll be.”
Mello blinks, then frowns. “What is she doing here?”
“She’s our manager,” Light says, slightly smugly. “Go on, Misa; what roles would you recommend for everyone?”
“Well,” Misa says cheerfully, “obviously my Light should be the prince!”
“There’s a surprise,” Mello mutters. “Whatever; it won’t be my fault when the girls are disappointed.”
“I think L should be the quiet, enigmatic one,” Misa is saying enthusiastically. “But I’m afraid you’ll have to put on some shoes and a nicer shirt.” L pouts. “And Near can be the boy lolita!”
Mello decides he wants to marry Misa Amane, because the expression on Near’s face right now is the funniest goddamn thing he’s ever seen. He doesn’t even care what role he has to play.
“And Mello and Matt…” Misa taps a perfect nail against her lower lip. “I think you two should be the suspiciously close friendship laden with homoerotic tension.”
Light, L, and Near all tense and look to Mello, as though waiting for the explosion.
Mello shrugs. “Yeah, sure.” Stepping over, he hooks a finger through the strap of the goggles hanging around Matt’s neck, pulls him in a little, and licks his cheek.
“Take that, you little robot bastard,” Matt says triumphantly, eyes focused on his gameboy and fingers tapping at the buttons.
“Yeah,” Misa says contentedly, “that’ll do. So tell me boys, are you ready to get in costume and meet your customers?”
Mello’s not sure they’ll ever be ready, but as long as he gets to see whatever Near is expected to wear, he thinks he’ll be able to bear it.
Fandom: Death Note/OHSHC
Prompt: the characters of Death Note in the world of Ouran High School Host Club
Wordcount: 563
Genre: Humor/Crack
Rating/Warnings: K+
Summary: Light has a plan. Mello is not so happy with this plan. L is just here for the cake.
Author’s Notes: For powdered_opium - I hope you enjoy it, and Merry Christmas! :D
-
“This is the dumbest idea you’ve ever had, Kira,” says Mello. “And that includes the obvious.”
“Do you have a better idea?” Light bristles.
“Actually, I do,” says Mello. “You should stop beating around the bush and prostitute yourself for real.”
“Ha, ha,” says Light. “A host club is not prostitution. Besides, you’re the one who dresses like a hooker.”
“I dress like a sex symbol,” Mello sniffs, “and I say this idea is stupid.”
“Think about it logically, though,” L puts in, looking up from his cake. “We’re certainly suited to the work, and research has indicated that host clubs in this place are extremely profitable.”
“Yeah, we don’t have to do it forever,” says Matt. “Only long enough to afford our combination book/video game/toy/cake/candy store.”
“I still don’t see why we have to combine them all and work with Yagami,” Mello grumbles. “Moreover, I don’t see why we even have to worry about finances in the afterlife. And while we’re on the subject, if this is the afterlife, why is Near here? He didn’t die.”
“The rules of logic, physics, and time seem to work differently here,” says Near without looking up from the toy he’s playing with. “I saw a girl’s eyes turn into hearts earlier today. And I think there was a man whose head actually became temporarily engulfed in flame when he became angry, but who was fine a moment later.”
“I’ve noticed that,” Mello muses. He turns a challenging look to L. “So what, we just have to put up with this host club bullshit until we have enough money to open our other store?” L nods, and he sighs dramatically. “Fine. Fine.”
“Wonderful!” Misa Amane claps her hands. “Now we should all decide what roles you’ll be.”
Mello blinks, then frowns. “What is she doing here?”
“She’s our manager,” Light says, slightly smugly. “Go on, Misa; what roles would you recommend for everyone?”
“Well,” Misa says cheerfully, “obviously my Light should be the prince!”
“There’s a surprise,” Mello mutters. “Whatever; it won’t be my fault when the girls are disappointed.”
“I think L should be the quiet, enigmatic one,” Misa is saying enthusiastically. “But I’m afraid you’ll have to put on some shoes and a nicer shirt.” L pouts. “And Near can be the boy lolita!”
Mello decides he wants to marry Misa Amane, because the expression on Near’s face right now is the funniest goddamn thing he’s ever seen. He doesn’t even care what role he has to play.
“And Mello and Matt…” Misa taps a perfect nail against her lower lip. “I think you two should be the suspiciously close friendship laden with homoerotic tension.”
Light, L, and Near all tense and look to Mello, as though waiting for the explosion.
Mello shrugs. “Yeah, sure.” Stepping over, he hooks a finger through the strap of the goggles hanging around Matt’s neck, pulls him in a little, and licks his cheek.
“Take that, you little robot bastard,” Matt says triumphantly, eyes focused on his gameboy and fingers tapping at the buttons.
“Yeah,” Misa says contentedly, “that’ll do. So tell me boys, are you ready to get in costume and meet your customers?”
Mello’s not sure they’ll ever be ready, but as long as he gets to see whatever Near is expected to wear, he thinks he’ll be able to bear it.