The Unauthorized Story- Chapter 16
Title: The Unauthorized Story of a Lesbian Undercover
Author: texaswatermelon
Pairing: Paige/Ellie
Rating: PG-13 I suppose
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em
Right, so… yeah.
Spoilers: Tiny ones for Death or Glory.
Warning: More cutting. And drama. Keep your respirators close at hand, people.
Paige felt like writing a letter. She would get out a plain white sheet of paper and a bright pink pen and write it in the prettiest script she could muster. It would go a little something like:
Dear Life,
You suck.
Love,
Paige
Then she would stick it in an envelope and send it to herself as a reminder that all of her problems were entirely her own fault.
She hadn’t seen Ellie since the episode in the bathroom last week. She hadn’t dared to even look in on her. The only reason she knew the redhead was still alive was because she made Marco knock on her door every day to ask her if she wanted something to eat. She always refused. Paige hadn’t told anyone about what she’d seen. Ellie would probably kill her if she did. Sometimes at night, when she was lying in bed, she thought she could hear Ellie crying. She just swallowed down her tears and willed herself to think of happier times.
Paige wished a lot of things. She wished that Alex was here. The brunette would know what to do, and if she didn’t, she’d at least be able to make Paige feel better until they could find a solution. She wished that Ellie would talk to her. She wished she knew that things would get better. She wished that things would go back to the way they used to be, and that it wasn’t Paige’s room and Ellie’s room, but their rooms. She wished she didn’t feel so guilty. She wished her heart didn’t hurt so bad.
The portfolio, which had been the all-important thing in Paige’s life just last week, was officially on hold. Paige was far too distracted to think about it, and she refused to try to do anything with her head as filled up as it was. When Marco asked her what was wrong, she told him that she’d had a run in with Ellie, and that it didn’t end well. That was it, and Marco didn’t pry.
Work was her only reprieve from worry. The mindless activities that she performed everyday were enough to distract her from this monstrous distraction. But even then, it was painfully obvious that something was wrong. Spinner, who had been off for most of the winter and a good bit of spring to battle his cancer, even noticed, and decided to ask about it.
“Paige, coffee minus a filter equals gritty coffee. Customers don’t like that,” he reminded her one day after three customers had returned their drinks. Paige sighed and nodded.
“Right, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” she apologized. Spinner frowned.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “You’ve been kind of out of it lately.”
“Yeah, fine,” Paige replied. She spun around, knocking a sugar container on the ground. It shattered, spilling sugar and glass all over the floor behind the counter. “Crap!” She grabbed a dust pan and broom, but before she could do anything with it, Spinner stole it from her and set it aside.
“Paige, seriously,” he said, looking down at her. Paige huffed and slouched against the counter.
“It’s Ellie,” she said finally. “She’s been pretty bad off ever since we broke up, staying in her room all the time. I mean, I didn’t blame her for it. I was the exact same way after Alex left last year for the first time. But the other day… I caught her cutting in the bathroom. I tried to talk her down, but she went crazy. I’m so worried about her. I know she’s doing it in her room, but there’s nothing I can do. Marco’s all about giving her space, and she doesn’t want to talk to me. I just can’t help but imagine the worst happening.”
“Hmm…” Spinner mused. Paige raised an eyebrow.
“What?” she asked impatiently when he didn’t say anything.
“Well, when I first found out that I was sick, I went kind of crazy. I shaved my head, and I beat the crap out of anyone that looked at me funny. I got destructive because it gave me a sense of control that had been taken away when I got diagnosed with cancer. I’m not saying that Ellie’s the same way, because obviously we’re entirely different people, but a lot of things have happened in her life that she had no control over. Her dad got shipped off with the army, her mom was an alcoholic, and she didn’t have the best social life. And now, with you and Alex, she has no control again,” Spinner explained.
“So what made you stop beating people up?” Paige questioned. Spinner shrugged.
“I realized that I did have control. I could be a man and face this thing head on. I only have one nut, but it’s not like I needed them both anyway,” he said with a grin. Paige rolled her eyes and shook her head, but smiled anyway. “Look, Ellie’s gotten through this once before. She just has to realize that she has more control when she’s not cutting than she does when she is. It might take some time, but it’ll happen.” Paige sighed.
“Thanks Spin.”
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Ellie sighed and dropped the razor blade onto the bed next to her, resting her head on the wall as she watched the three cuts she’d just made glitter to life. Her arm felt heavy, and she reached for the wad of tissues she had next to her, but her hand fell just short and she didn’t feel like moving anymore. The cuts weren’t that deep. They’d heal. With that thought, she let herself drift off to sleep.
When she woke up several hours later, she realized that she was hungry. The numbers on her alarm clock were blurry. Or maybe it was just her. At any rate, they eventually told her that it was a little after five. Everyone would be home, but Ellie didn’t care. She needed some kind of food.
It took a much greater effort than it should have to pull herself out of bed, and the trip downstairs was a little bit wobbly, but she passed it off as pure exhaustion. She would sleep again after she ate.
All conversation stopped when she entered the kitchen. The light was ridiculously bright, and she squinted to keep it out of her eyes. Spinner was there, and so was Jimmy. At least, she thought it was them. There was pudding in the fridge, and yogurt too, but that was far too much effort. She spotted pizza on the counter and grabbed a slice. Everyone else was still silent.
“Hey El, you alright?” Marco called. She ignored him. Pizza was more important. When she had what she wanted, she turned around and went back upstairs.
“Right, cause that wasn’t weird,” Jimmy commented. Paige bit her lip and shot a look at Spinner, who frowned.
“Yeah, too weird. Maybe I should go check on her,” Marco suggested, pushing his chair back.
“Leave her alone,” Paige told him. He looked ready to argue, but at her glare, shut his mouth and sat back down.
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(a few days later… let’s say three for the sake of simplicity)
Blood. There was so much of it. It made pretty little patterns on the comforter. She struggled to focus on them, tried to blink away the fuzz that filled her vision. Where was the antenna? Maybe this wasn’t so good. She tried to reach for the box of tissues on her nightstand, but her arm felt like jelly, too unstable to hold up her hand. Had her bones always been made of lead? Something fell. There was a big crash. She barely heard it. God, she was so tired.
“Ellie?” The door was open. Someone was calling for her, but she couldn’t answer. “Marco, call an ambulance!”
There was a towel against her wrist. She wanted to hold it, to make it stop. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. She felt so cold, like winter. It was still July, right? There was a hand on her cheek that felt like fire. A Paige hand. She knew that touch. Blue eyes staring at her. She struggled to stay focused, to stay awake. Sleep was so close. Maybe this would all be over when she woke up.
“Ellie, what happened?” the voice was frantic, distorted.
“I slipped…” It was so much effort to say those two little words. She just needed a little nap. Her eyes slipped closed.
“No, no, no. Ellie, stay with me. Don’t go to sleep, sweetie. Please stay with me. Ellie!”
Sirens, bright lights through her window. Strange voices in her room, and a “we’ll take it from here, ma’am.” Wait, where was Paige going? She tried to call out, to find her. Her throat was sticky. Her tongue wouldn’t move. Sleep. The only thing left was sleep. It was so dark where she lived.
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There were twenty empty chairs in the waiting room, but Paige refused to sit in any of them. She paced up and down in front of the nurse’s station, growling at every person that passed without giving her news of Ellie’s condition. What the hell was taking so long?
This was her fault. If only she hadn’t given into Alex’s charm. If only she hadn’t broken Ellie’s heart. If only she’d told someone about Ellie’s cutting. If only she hadn’t been such an asshole, they wouldn’t be in this situation! Marco walked up to her and she stopped pacing.
“This is all my fault,” she said angrily. Marco shook his head.
“It’s not,” he assured her.
“Are you kidding me? You don’t blame me for this?” Paige asked. Marco sighed.
“Do I blame you for breaking her heart? Yeah, I guess I do. Do I blame you for not telling anyone that she started cutting again? Yeah, I blame you for that too. But do I blame you for this? No. She let it get this far. She let it break her down like this. A lot of people are to blame for this entire situation, not just you.”
Someone put a hand on Paige’s shoulder and she spun around, fist ready and eyes dangerous. The doctor jumped back, looking slightly alarmed. Paige lowered her fist, but her expression didn’t soften any.
“Are you here for Eleanor Nash?” he asked cautiously. Paige nodded and Dylan and Spinner rushed over to them. Paige had made Marco call Spinner on the way over to the hospital. She wanted him there.
“How is she?” Marco asked.
“It was a close call,” the doctor told them, “but we got her stabilized. If you’d gotten there any later, we might have lost her.” Paige let out the huge breath she’d been holding, pressing her face into her hands. Ellie was safe. That was all that mattered.
“Is she awake? Can we see her?” Marco was asking.
“She is awake, but we’d rather only one person went in for right now. She’s asking for a Paige…” Paige slowly raised her head, looking at the doctor in disbelief.
“Are you sure?” she asked. The doctor nodded.
“I’m assuming that’s you,” he said.
“Yes, it is her,” Marco said, pushing her forward. Paige stumbled a bit, but followed the doctor down the hallway anyway. He pointed her to a room and walked away. She hesitated for a minute before taking a few steps in. Ellie was lying in the bed, looking towards the window on the far wall. Her hair was flat, her skin was pale, and there was a bright white bandage on her right wrist, but she looked healthier than she had for the past month. Paige cleared her throat and Ellie looked up.
“Hey,” she said weakly. Her voice was rough from lack of use. Paige smiled and took a seat beside the bed. Ellie sighed and looked down at her hands. “I don’t even know what to say to you right now.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” Paige told her quickly. Ellie shook her head and met Paige’s eyes.
“I was an ass, Paige. I let things get completely out of hand,” she said.
“Yeah, but you can’t help the cutting,” Paige said. Ellie scoffed.
“Yes I can. I just didn’t want to. And regardless of that, I’ve been screwing things up ever since Alex came back. I let my jealousy get the best of me. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Paige assured her. Ellie glared. “Okay, it’s not entirely your fault. I let Alex get in between us too. I was so afraid to admit…” she stopped and Ellie frowned.
“Afraid to admit what?” she asked. Paige shook her head.
“Never mind.”
“Look, Paige, about what I said that day in your room…”
“Ellie, you don’t have to apologize to me. I understand,” Paige said. She didn’t think this was the time for making up. She just wanted to make sure that Ellie was okay.
“No, please, let me finish.” Paige shut her mouth. “I didn’t mean what I said. I was just angry.” Paige smiled sadly. She wanted to tell Ellie that she knew, that none of it mattered because she loved her, and that after she got out of the hospital, everything would be okay again. She wanted to, but she couldn’t. Things just weren’t that simple, and she didn’t deserve a Disney perfect happy ending like that.
“Yeah you did, Ellie. And you were right to say it. Trust me, all you’ll get with me is more heartache. Just ask Alex, or Spinner, or anyone else’s life I’ve screwed up,” she said softly. Ellie just stared at her in disbelief. What the hell? She was trying to make up, to apologize. Why wasn’t Paige being a normal human being? “Get better, okay?” Paige squeezed Ellie’s hand once before she left. Ellie sighed and laid her head back against the pillow. When were things going to get easy?
Heh… this was going to be a less retarded scene until I realized that I had more I wanted to do before these two became friends again. Oh well. Anyway, I hope I portrayed the drama of this situation realistically enough for everyone. I think it would be pretty rockstar if Ellie started cutting on the show again. Just because that girl needs a plot that doesn’t involve crackhead Craig, ugly greasy Jesse, or helping whiney Marco get a life. And you know, last time she did it was when she was in 10th grade. Now she’s older, and I feel like it would be ten thousand times better. Plus, I’m in love with Stacey Farber, and I’ll take any excuse to see her on screen. Oh, and please excuse Spinner’s mysterious innate knowledge of Ellie’s life story.
x
TheTex
Chapter 17