Kaleidoscope Eyes Challenge: I Am the Walrus
NOTE: I found a Turtle Icon!
1227 words inspired by a prescription for phenergan which had me watching Star Trek with the TV off - for three days!
“Kowalski, where the hell are you?” Welsh sounded pissed.
“Hello to you, too, Lieutenant. And how are you this morning?” Hey, it only takes a minute to be polite, right?
“Get back to the station. Now!” And he hung up on me, which wasn’t polite at all. I turned to my partner in law enforcement sitting next to me. Dief didn’t get the chance to ride shotgun that often, but then Fraser only got sick in alternate decades. I didn’t figure I’d spoil the wolf by letting him move up a seat while Fraser was drugged at home. Served the mountie right - I told him licking strange evidence was not a good idea.
“No way I could have done something stupid this early in the morning. Did you steal his donuts?” Dief just grinned at me.
“All right, I’ll take your word for it.” I did a u-turn in the middle of the road and headed back to the station.
********
It was pretty obvious some kind of weirdness was happening, what with everybody standing around whispering and shaking their heads. Nobody said nothing to me except for the desk sergeant who told me Welsh wanted me ASAP.
More quiet in the squad room, which could have meant anything - the Duck boys weren’t there, after all. Welsh had his blinds down, though. I was getting real twitchy by the time I tapped on his door.
“If you aren’t Kowalski, go away. If you are, get your ass in here!” Oh, man, that did not sound promising. Dief was doing this whining thing and nosing my hand, like he wanted me to hurry up and use my opposable thumb.
Dief knocked me over once I opened the door. By the time I got up, he was back out of the office and under my desk. Yeah, this was going to suck big ones. I took a deep breath and stepped inside.
Whatever I was expecting, what I got wasn’t it. Welsh looked like he was trying desperately not to laugh. The noise coming from under my desk sounded like Dief failing at the same thing. Can’t blame them, I suppose. After all, Fraser usually looked like a recruiting poster most of the time, except when he looked better (which in my opinion, was when he was naked, but I’m not going there right now). Anyway, I couldn’t do much more than stare.
Fraser was standing at parade rest, I think. Trying to, anyway. The tunic looked great, even unbuttoned, the stetson was straight on his head, and the boots were nice and shiny. I thought the fire engine pajama bottoms were a nice touch, but the fish bowl under his arm had me worried.
“Ben, how are you even awake?” The doctor said the allergy medication would probably knock him flat on his ass for a couple days.
“I’m up with the dawn, always, always.” He was snoring when I left.
“Fine, up with the dawn. What the hell are you doing here?”
“I had to, Ray. I had to get him to safety.”
“Who - Ben, is somebody in trouble? Are you okay?”
“There is a walrus in the refrigerator trying to eat Petey.”
“A walrus?” Welsh dropped into his chair. I’m surprised he didn’t bite through his lip.
“Indeed. A walrus. And he made his intentions quite clear.” Fraser shook his head from side to side - how bizarre was it that his head moved, but his hat didn’t? “I had no choice Ray. I had to rescue Petey.”
Yeah, like that made sense. I took a closer look at the fishbowl. “Uh, Ben, you know my turtle’s name is Sammy, right?”
He got this shit-eating grin on his face. He covered the top of the bowl with his hand then leaned over and put his mouth right up to my ear. “Actually, Ray, his name is Petey. He just lets you call him Sam.” He straightened back up and got serious again. “Be that as it may, something had to be done.”
“Um, Ben, you know you coulda just called me and I would have come home.”
“And that is just what he wanted me to do. I know walruses, Ray. You can’t trust them. I turn my back to place the phone call and it’s curtains for Petey.”
Welsh was laughing hard enough that I thought he was going to lose a lung. “So you figured bringing him here was your best bet, huh?”
“Naturally, Ray. I hope he can remain in protective custody until we rout the beast. I thought perhaps the Leftenant might be able to requisition a harpoon.”
Oh, jeez. I was beginning to appreciate Moby Dick in a whole new way. “Ben, I’m not checked out on harpoons. Can’t I just shoot the walrus?”
“Certainly not, Ray. That will only make him angry. No, I’m very much afraid you’re going to have to use something with a bit more force behind it.”
Welsh staggered to his feet. Nice that he finally got the hysteria under control. Anyway, he mumbled something about finding me a harpoon and tried to leave, but I managed to grab his arm.
“Lieu, can you take it right to the car - maybe through the loading dock?” I handed Welsh the keys and hoped he understood I didn’t want to take Fraser back through the station like he was. “And maybe Frannie can call the doctor and get information about, uh, tranquilizers?”
“Ray, you’re brilliant!” Fraser sounded so happy - couldn’t imagine why. “I hadn’t even considered tranquilizing the walrus.”
I gotta be honest, neither had I. I just wanted Frannie to find out why my lover was seeing walruses in my fridge. “I - well, killing a walrus isn’t something I take lightly.”
“Ray, your concern for our fellow creatures is quite admirable. I must admit that I didn’t relish the idea of killing the walrus, however malicious or conniving I consider it to be. And it’s not as if we would benefit from it’s demise. They aren’t the best tasting mammal, you know.”
Somehow, I had missed any opportunity on our adventure to try walrus, so I couldn’t respond to that. Welsh just ran out of the office and shut the door - Mort could probably hear him laughing all the way down in the morgue. “I’ll take your word on that one. How’s about we head home and do some hunting, okay? I think Sammy - excuse me, Petey - is getting kinda homesick.”
“”He gets bored in his tank, Ray, and would very much appreciate a change of scenery now and then.” Fraser stopped, put his ear to the bowl. “He’d also like some sex.”
“Maybe we can find him a nice girl turtle at the pet store, Fraser.” Like anyone other than another turtle could tell the difference.
“A boy turtle, Ray. It may come as a shock to you, but he’s gay.” So now I have this picture in my head of gay turtle sex which I will try to spend the rest of my life trying to get rid of.
I gently took the fishbowl under one arm, and used my other hand to guide Fraser toward the back stairs. “Let’s go home and shoot us a walrus, Ben.”
Hunting walrus in downtown Chicago - sounded like a typical day with my favorite freak. Just call me the Eggman.
1227 words inspired by a prescription for phenergan which had me watching Star Trek with the TV off - for three days!
“Kowalski, where the hell are you?” Welsh sounded pissed.
“Hello to you, too, Lieutenant. And how are you this morning?” Hey, it only takes a minute to be polite, right?
“Get back to the station. Now!” And he hung up on me, which wasn’t polite at all. I turned to my partner in law enforcement sitting next to me. Dief didn’t get the chance to ride shotgun that often, but then Fraser only got sick in alternate decades. I didn’t figure I’d spoil the wolf by letting him move up a seat while Fraser was drugged at home. Served the mountie right - I told him licking strange evidence was not a good idea.
“No way I could have done something stupid this early in the morning. Did you steal his donuts?” Dief just grinned at me.
“All right, I’ll take your word for it.” I did a u-turn in the middle of the road and headed back to the station.
********
It was pretty obvious some kind of weirdness was happening, what with everybody standing around whispering and shaking their heads. Nobody said nothing to me except for the desk sergeant who told me Welsh wanted me ASAP.
More quiet in the squad room, which could have meant anything - the Duck boys weren’t there, after all. Welsh had his blinds down, though. I was getting real twitchy by the time I tapped on his door.
“If you aren’t Kowalski, go away. If you are, get your ass in here!” Oh, man, that did not sound promising. Dief was doing this whining thing and nosing my hand, like he wanted me to hurry up and use my opposable thumb.
Dief knocked me over once I opened the door. By the time I got up, he was back out of the office and under my desk. Yeah, this was going to suck big ones. I took a deep breath and stepped inside.
Whatever I was expecting, what I got wasn’t it. Welsh looked like he was trying desperately not to laugh. The noise coming from under my desk sounded like Dief failing at the same thing. Can’t blame them, I suppose. After all, Fraser usually looked like a recruiting poster most of the time, except when he looked better (which in my opinion, was when he was naked, but I’m not going there right now). Anyway, I couldn’t do much more than stare.
Fraser was standing at parade rest, I think. Trying to, anyway. The tunic looked great, even unbuttoned, the stetson was straight on his head, and the boots were nice and shiny. I thought the fire engine pajama bottoms were a nice touch, but the fish bowl under his arm had me worried.
“Ben, how are you even awake?” The doctor said the allergy medication would probably knock him flat on his ass for a couple days.
“I’m up with the dawn, always, always.” He was snoring when I left.
“Fine, up with the dawn. What the hell are you doing here?”
“I had to, Ray. I had to get him to safety.”
“Who - Ben, is somebody in trouble? Are you okay?”
“There is a walrus in the refrigerator trying to eat Petey.”
“A walrus?” Welsh dropped into his chair. I’m surprised he didn’t bite through his lip.
“Indeed. A walrus. And he made his intentions quite clear.” Fraser shook his head from side to side - how bizarre was it that his head moved, but his hat didn’t? “I had no choice Ray. I had to rescue Petey.”
Yeah, like that made sense. I took a closer look at the fishbowl. “Uh, Ben, you know my turtle’s name is Sammy, right?”
He got this shit-eating grin on his face. He covered the top of the bowl with his hand then leaned over and put his mouth right up to my ear. “Actually, Ray, his name is Petey. He just lets you call him Sam.” He straightened back up and got serious again. “Be that as it may, something had to be done.”
“Um, Ben, you know you coulda just called me and I would have come home.”
“And that is just what he wanted me to do. I know walruses, Ray. You can’t trust them. I turn my back to place the phone call and it’s curtains for Petey.”
Welsh was laughing hard enough that I thought he was going to lose a lung. “So you figured bringing him here was your best bet, huh?”
“Naturally, Ray. I hope he can remain in protective custody until we rout the beast. I thought perhaps the Leftenant might be able to requisition a harpoon.”
Oh, jeez. I was beginning to appreciate Moby Dick in a whole new way. “Ben, I’m not checked out on harpoons. Can’t I just shoot the walrus?”
“Certainly not, Ray. That will only make him angry. No, I’m very much afraid you’re going to have to use something with a bit more force behind it.”
Welsh staggered to his feet. Nice that he finally got the hysteria under control. Anyway, he mumbled something about finding me a harpoon and tried to leave, but I managed to grab his arm.
“Lieu, can you take it right to the car - maybe through the loading dock?” I handed Welsh the keys and hoped he understood I didn’t want to take Fraser back through the station like he was. “And maybe Frannie can call the doctor and get information about, uh, tranquilizers?”
“Ray, you’re brilliant!” Fraser sounded so happy - couldn’t imagine why. “I hadn’t even considered tranquilizing the walrus.”
I gotta be honest, neither had I. I just wanted Frannie to find out why my lover was seeing walruses in my fridge. “I - well, killing a walrus isn’t something I take lightly.”
“Ray, your concern for our fellow creatures is quite admirable. I must admit that I didn’t relish the idea of killing the walrus, however malicious or conniving I consider it to be. And it’s not as if we would benefit from it’s demise. They aren’t the best tasting mammal, you know.”
Somehow, I had missed any opportunity on our adventure to try walrus, so I couldn’t respond to that. Welsh just ran out of the office and shut the door - Mort could probably hear him laughing all the way down in the morgue. “I’ll take your word on that one. How’s about we head home and do some hunting, okay? I think Sammy - excuse me, Petey - is getting kinda homesick.”
“”He gets bored in his tank, Ray, and would very much appreciate a change of scenery now and then.” Fraser stopped, put his ear to the bowl. “He’d also like some sex.”
“Maybe we can find him a nice girl turtle at the pet store, Fraser.” Like anyone other than another turtle could tell the difference.
“A boy turtle, Ray. It may come as a shock to you, but he’s gay.” So now I have this picture in my head of gay turtle sex which I will try to spend the rest of my life trying to get rid of.
I gently took the fishbowl under one arm, and used my other hand to guide Fraser toward the back stairs. “Let’s go home and shoot us a walrus, Ben.”
Hunting walrus in downtown Chicago - sounded like a typical day with my favorite freak. Just call me the Eggman.