anniversary

[drunkensailor]

It's been five years to the day since I was diagnosed with cancer. Here is the journal entry of how I reacted to my diagnosis five years ago today. I won my coin toss.

I don't have any real thoughts on this, at least none that I want to share; it just seems like something I should acknowledge.

I don't want any congratulations. Five years removed from

Comments

[katayla]

I won't congratulate you, but I'm glad you posted. I've been wondering how you were doing, but I wasn't sure if I should ask.

[drunkensailor]

I appreciate it. I'm always happy to discuss my health, and glad to know that my friends are still interested in how I'm doing.

I never know how to answer when people want to know how I'm doing, because generally the answer is that I'm not terminally ill or critical or anything so dramatic- and people definitely want to know that fundamental bit, and they certainly have good reason to wonder- but also that I have a number of things wrong with me, both in the long and short term, and they're the sort of things that most people would consider pretty major. I don't know how to put that kind of information in a concise, casual answer.

I need to have both my hips replaced, for instance, but since we haven't talked in a while, you don't know if I have more than a week to live or if I'm terminally ill or anything, because I certainly have been before and I could turn back that way. If I say I'm doing badly, you might get scared I'm "critically ill/dying" sick. If I say I'm doing well, that's ignoring that I need two hip replacements, major

[katayla]

I can't speak for anyone else in the world, but when I ask how someone's doing, this is indeed the kind of answer I'm looking for. :)

[crucibelle]

Reading that didn't make me angry. If it should, then I guess I am abnormal, but what else is new? ;) Seriously, I think I'd feel exactly as you do. Beyond that, I really don't know what else to say. I went back and read the post you linked. I'd never seen that post before. Found myself reading back even further. You're an excellent writer. I don't think I ever noticed that before, because you don't tend to post much lately...or since we've been friends. Or maybe I'm just hard-headed and it slipped past me, until now. You definitely have a gift for writing. You probably already know that, though. Oh lord, I have a lot to write for someone who doesn't know what to say, eh? I'll quit my babbling, now. Just remember, I'm always around, somewhere.

[drunkensailor]

It's good to hear that somebody understands my perspective. I always feel like I must be frustrating everybody, even disappointing people, by feeling anything other than pure overwhelming appreciation for still being alive. In fact, I am so appreciative to be alive, so very much so, but almost every aspect of my life is unenviable, and almost all of those unenviable aspects were directly crafted by my being or having been sick

[adarascarlet]

I'm honored to be one of your few friends. I'm really happy you're alive, which I guess makes me selfish too. ;)

[drunkensailor]

I'm really glad we're friends, too. I'm sorry it took a while

[acmedunveiled]

If I learned anything working at the CRCMC or hanging out with you it is that this is just about the truest thing about cancer, and nobody tells you this. All the books and movies and internet sites -- it's all about the acute illness, either you die or you get better and it all goes back to normal. But that's such a fucking lie.

Anyway, I think about you all the time, and I wish there was some way to help you make a life that was worth being appreciated. I think your feelings are absolutely normal and justified.

(Sorry I'm late in telling you this - it's been ages since I've been on here.)

[drunkensailor]

I'm still getting there, day by day. Though I feel further and further "behind" in life as more time passes, I try not to lose sight. Getting there, day by day.