Someone Like You 46/61: No excuses - Beecher/Stabler
Someone Like You
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 5322.
So, so long.
Okay, fine. I realised I've never actually given Toby's mother's name in the story up until now, so I'm bowing to peer pressure and going with secondary canon Victoria. And I'll change Breaking. Again.
I"ve been cramming in some rewrites. I suspect this may be the only SVU/Oz fan fiction ever edited at a One Direction concert. I could be wrong.
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
Someone Like You
chapter 46: No excuses
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 45, Relatives:
The birthday dinner was over; time to clean the kitchen. Elliot insisted Olivia's visit hadn't been a test. Toby accepted that, but wanted to know if he passed. Which he did.
It took some doing, but Elliot persuaded Toby to say fuck the dishes, and they got to sexin'. Elliot displayed new confidence. Toby showed Elliot what his tongue could do.
In the warm afterglow, Elliot mused on getting used to wanting a guy. Toby asked Elliot to meet his Mom. And they acknowledged that getting Holly to welcome Elliot back was a complicated issue.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The streetlights were just blinking on as Elliot pulled up in front. Lizzie was out of the car as soon as it stopped, head down, straight up the path to the house.
Kathy was standing at the mailbox. "Hey, Lizzie, how was it?"
"It's horrible." Lizzie rushed in the door, and Kathy watched her go, bemused.
"Her teeth hurt, and she hates how she looks," said Elliot.
"I'll bet. How does it look?" Kathy wandered down the steps to meet him on the path.
He handed over the shopping bags and Lizzie's half-drunk smoothie. "A little like a chipmunk. Just like Maureen, when she got her braces on. There's some extra-strength Tylenol in there."
"Thanks for taking her. I couldn't juggle any more days off."
"You don't have to thank me." Being thanked for doing basic dad stuff like taking his kid to the orthodontist just made him feel like a lousy father. For a bad day for Elizabeth, it had turned out pretty nice for Elliot: he'd taken her out for one last bagel before the appointment, and afterwards he'd taken her shopping for chapsticks, which turned out to be buying ten different flavours of lip balms and glosses and assorted other girl-things. "When did she start buying cosmetics?"
"Apparently seventh grade means make up."
Elliot shook his head. He wasn't ready for his last little girl to grow up. "Can we talk?"
Kathy was instantly wary. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong." Elliot reached over and straightened the little Pottery Barn witch in the planter box. The path to the door was lined with the usual creepy decorations, and just like every year, Elliot wondered when Halloween had snuck up on him. He looked up; Kathy was waiting. He hadn't decided how to say this, but he wanted to bite the bullet.
"Are you dating someone?"
"Yeah." He hated how awkward he felt about this. He never felt awkward when he was with Toby, but trying to explain it to his wife of twenty years, here in the front yard of the house he'd raised his children in, he was lost.
"Is it another man?"
Like that, he supposed. "It's Toby. We're back together."
"All right."
He looked up at her tone. He supposed he'd have that tone, if she told him she was serious about someone. For more than half his life, he'd really believed 'until death do us part,' with her. Even six months ago, some part of him had been waiting for Kathy to show up and tell him she'd punished him enough. Which was probably why he was divorced.
She clutched her cardigan a little tighter. It was chilly out here. "I take it this is more than casual dating."
Elliot nodded, but he could see she was waiting for something more, so he added, "I'm going to meet his mother tomorrow."
One eyebrow shot up, lip curling. "You're going to meet your boyfriend's mother? You still twitch when we visit my mother. Or you did, when..."
When they were still married. Elliot shrugged. Kathy's parents were good people, but he'd never stopped feeling like the dolt who knocked up their daughter at seventeen. And once the marriage got rocky, he'd felt the chill, and he'd known Kathy was confiding in them.
"Are you going to introduce him to your mother?"
Not likely. Elliot slid his hands into his pockets. "His family's old money. Rich society people."
"You're worried you won't be good enough for their rich society family?"
It wasn't like that. Elliot had no trouble dealing with those sort of people when he was working, but he didn't need to know what fork to use when he was interrogating a witness. He was more of a beers at a sports bar kind of guy. "Toby's a silver spoon Harvard-law-educated-"
"He's a lawyer?" She stared, open-mouthed, more shocked than when Elliot had told her he was a man.
"He was, not anymore. He never did criminal law."
"Why did he change careers?"
"That's... I'll tell you about that some other time." He knew that just raised her suspicions, but he doubted she'd suspect anything as wild as Elliot being with a felon. "I'm sorry I was such a prick that time I saw you dressed up for a date."
"Elliot, that was what, a year ago?"
"Then I'm sorry it took me so long to apologise."
Kathy looked away, uncomfortable. "I understood. I was mad as hell, but I understood."
"Have you... Are you still seeing him? Or anyone?"
"Him? No. I've been on a few dates. Nothing serious."
Elliot had no right to feel relieved by that. "You deserve to have someone in your life. Someone who'll treat you better than I did."
She folded her arms. "We had a lot of good years, El." She shifted on her feet, thinking it through. "How does his daughter feel about all this?"
"Holly?"
"You said she was there when you..."
Elliot rubbed his head. He'd forgotten that he'd told Kathy that. "She hates my living, breathing guts. About as much as any of ours would, if some man laid a hand on you."
Kathy didn't have any wise advice for that problem.
"I've been seeing someone. A counsellor."
More surprise. "Is it helping?"
"I don't know." Some of Judith's calming techniques had come in handy a few times, but there hadn't been any sort of miraculous cure for the simmering anger he carried with him. And Elliot had done enough sharing for now. "It's cold out here. You should go in."
She nodded, glancing back towards the glowing kitchen window. Someone had painted a menacing pumpkin on it. "Did you want to..."
"No. No, you've probably got dinner almost ready. I'll see the kids soon." He started backing down the path. "You probably remember everything from Maureen's braces, but there's a pamphlet in one of those bags."
"Are you going to tell the kids?"
"I will." He pretended he didn't see her look, but he paused. "Maureen knows."
"Maureen?"
"She met him. Before it all..."
"Maureen met him? She knows?"
"Yeah."
"She kept it a secret?"
"I asked her to wait, and then we split..."
She rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand. "I didn't know Maureen had it in her to keep quiet about something like that."
"She's growing up."
"I guess I'll be interrogating her tonight when she stops by to cheer up Elizabeth."
Great. "I'll see you next week, Kath."
Elliot headed back to the car. There'd been a lot of moments when it came home that his life with Kathy was over: clearing his last things out of the house, waking up alone on Christmas morning; seeing Kathy's bare finger. And now. No chance of reconciliation. Not even a lingering wish that things had gone differently. They'd gone the way they had, and now Elliot was with Toby. This was the first time one of those moments brought peace.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Elliot had been picturing some kind of stone mansion with a circular drive, but Toby's mother lived in a sleek modern townhouse in Manhattan Beach, an easy walk from Coney Island. It was all angles and picture windows and just a couple of doors up from the waterfront. He was pretty sure one of those potted plants would cost him a month's salary. Elliot wanted to go home and change into a coat and tie.
Toby had convinced him to dress down a little, promised this would be informal, so he'd just thrown a leather jacket over a grey Henley. He'd felt good about it when he picked Toby up and Toby purred over the leather, but now...
Toby was looking all Steve McQueen with a sports jacket over a turtleneck. Informal but suave and classy. Elliot couldn't have looked any more blue collar if he'd shown up at Mrs Beecher's door in reflective vest.
Toby put a hand on his back as they climbed the front stairs. "You've been in shoot-outs, remember? My mother's not that intimidating."
"I'm not afraid of your mother."
"Seemed like you did a lot of tossing and turning last night."
"When am I not tossing and turning?" Elliot hadn't had a solid night's sleep in over twenty years. Sure, last night he was mostly counting the ways some old money society woman could look down on her son's male cop lover, but Toby didn't know that. "Have I told you how good you look?"
Toby eyed him over. "I got the memo when you couldn't keep your eyes on the road."
That was kind of true. Elliot wanted to drag Toby off to a quiet corner and make out. That turtleneck looked soft.
Toby was lifting his key to the door when it was thrown open. "Hello!"
"Hi, Mother."
Toby's mother wasn't anything like what Elliot had expected, either. He'd been bracing himself for an older, scrawny, matronly-type, appalled to see what her son had dragged in, but she was a small, smiling woman with a head of unruly curls, who grabbed both of Elliot's hands as soon as he was within reach. "Elliot, it's such a pleasure to meet you at last."
"And you, Mrs Beecher."
"Victoria, please." No distaste for him being a man, no sneer for the cop who thought he was good enough for her son. "Toby, dear." She hugged Toby close, and the way he squirmed under her affection reminded Elliot of Dickie, age nine. It made him smile.
She was young - looked too young to be Toby's mother - and all smiles, which he hadn't expected at all. "Holly's upstairs; she'll be down soon."
Refusing to come down because of him, Elliot was sure. He shared a look with Toby, and realised he didn't know how much Victoria knew about why Holly didn't want anything to do with him. Obviously not all of it. His cheeks burned with shame.
Toby glanced up the stairs. "I'll talk her down later. It won't hurt to have some time for us."
Victoria dismissed that with a wave. "I told her to come down for dinner or go hungry. Come on through - Samuel's going to serve us canapes out the back. It's been such beautiful weather, and enjoying the outdoors seems so urgent when winter's rolling in. I know Toby prefers the garden."
"Sounds lovely, Mother," said Toby.
She led them through a meticulously-kept house, white carpets and real art on the walls, to a back porch in a tiny wild garden. Elliot could see why Toby liked it out here. "This is beautiful, Victoria."
"I wish I could take credit, Elliot. My gardener, Belinda, is a sweetheart." She led Elliot to sit with her on the loveseat, leaving Toby to perch on the wing chair.
"You have a beautiful home."
"I moved here after my husband died. That big house was far too much for Holly and me."
So she moved after Toby went back to prison. Elliot could see that in Toby's discomfort.
"Toby, before I forget, Patricia sent a save the date for her wedding in May. There's one for you, too."
"For me?"
"Of course."
"Mother, she doesn't want me at her wedding."
"The save the date card would indicate that she does."
"She's just being polite."
Victoria's eyes narrowed. "Her family was very good to ours while you were gone. She always asked after you."
"Mother..."
"You're going."
Elliot had to hide his grin. It was fun seeing this side of Toby, exasperated and out-foxed by his mother.
"And am I supposed to take a plus-one?"
Elliot stopped smiling.
"Well, that's a question you should put to Elliot, isn't it?" She turned to him. "They're lovely people. You do tend to find out who your friends are, when you go through trials like ours."
"I'm sure you do."
She looked to Toby again. "You can't hide from your old friends forever, Toby."
He rolled his eyes, obviously knowing his way through this argument. "I thought we came here tonight so you could badger Elliot."
"And I will."
With perfect timing, an older gentleman stepped out with a silver tray of tiny bruschettas, twisty cheese pastries, and shrimp and sausage slices mounted together on toothpicks.
"Hi, Samuel." Toby jumped up to tug a low table into a better spot.
"Good evening, Mr Beecher."
Victoria thanked him as he put down the tray. "This is our friend Elliot Stabler."
"Good evening, Mr Stabler."
"Nice to meet you."
"May I offer you a drink?"
Toby leaned in before Elliot had to wonder what was on offer. "Let Samuel get you a beer. He's a beer connoisseur."
Samuel looked pleased, so Elliot nodded. "Sure. Something towards the pale end?"
"Certainly, sir."
They organised drinks with the butler, and then Victoria made herself comfortable, ready to turn her motherly focus on Elliot. "Tell me all about yourself. Toby says you have children?"
"Four. Ages twelve through twenty-one."
"That's wonderful. All healthy and happy, I hope?"
"We've been lucky. Though one of my youngest, Elizabeth, got braces this week, and she's feeling a little sorry for herself."
"I'm sure, poor thing. You said you met his oldest, Toby?"
Toby polished off a pastry, absently licking crumbs off his fingers until Victoria chided him. "Sorry. Yes, Maureen. You'd like her, Mother."
They talked about Maureen's post-grad plans, and Victoria extolled the virtues of Boston University. Elliot made the same case he'd been trying to make with Maureen for Colombia. Samuel brought out a pretty incredible beer, a shandy for Victoria and a cream soda for Toby.
Elliot smiled at that. "Cream soda?"
"Don't mock it." Toby held out his bottle until Elliot accepted it and took a sip.
And another, deeper sip. It didn't taste how Elliot remembered from when he was a kid. "That's really good." He checked the label before he passed it back. It wasn't as good as his beer, but it was good.
They got back to discussing Elliot's kids, and their adventures led to Harry and Holly, and Toby trying not to sneak glances inside. It was good of him to stay close, but his mother wasn't so terrifying after all. "Go on, I'm fine here."
Toby looked at him, caught.
"Go up and talk to her. Just don't..."
"Don't push her to come down. I won't. Thanks." Toby was inside like a shot.
Elliot watched him go, and turned back to find Victoria watching him. Now the interrogation began. He took a little bruschetta while he waited for the questions she'd ask now Toby was out of hearing.
"Toby says you're with the police? A detective?" Straight for the job. This was what Elliot had been bracing for since Toby asked him to come.
"That's right."
"And how did you get into the police force?"
"My dad was a cop. I did a couple of years in the Marines, and then I guess I followed in his footsteps."
"Like Toby and Angus followed Harrison."
"I guess so." Though it didn't sound like an urgent need to support a premature family had driven either of them through law school.
She took a moment to select a canape. "I think it means a lot to a father, for his son to follow him. I know it meant a lot to Harrison."
Elliot had never been sure. His dad had made a few gruff noises of approval, but he hadn't had a lot of friends left on the force by the time Elliot applied to the academy. Elliot had never wished for Dickie to follow him.
"What department?"
That was always Elliot's least favourite question. Nobody was comfortable with the sex police. "I'm with the Special Victims Unit."
Her smile faded as her eyes darted to where Toby had gone. "Is Toby all right?"
And he hadn't thought to anticipate that. "Mrs Beecher, I'm not... He's a friend, not a case."
She didn't look convinced.
"I promise you, that's not how we met."
Slowly her eyes lowered. "He thinks I'm a naive old woman. I know things happened in prison. I know a lot more than he'd like me to know."
Elliot wished she didn't. It was too soon for this conversation, but Victoria was hardly the first distressed mother he'd spoken to. At least this he had practice in. "Maybe believing you don't know is what gets him through the day."
He saw her eyes close, her hand grip the armrest, and realised he'd just confirmed it. Damn. "You can't imagine what it's like to hear your son tell you his heroin habit is the only way he can get through his days in prison. And then to find you don't have a single argument to make to the contrary."
Elliot didn't have the first clue what to say to that.
"Sometimes I feel like that's the last truly honest conversation Toby and I had." She shifted, turning to face Elliot better. "That place took my daughter-in-law, my grandson and my husband. It almost took Angus. It ate a piece out of Holly's and Harry's childhoods. I'd be grateful if I could just have my son back."
"Give it time. He's still finding his feet."
She nodded like she'd told herself that more than once. "I wish there was more I could do. I wish I knew where we went wrong in the first place, how we failed him."
"I think Toby would be the first to tell you that he was responsible for his actions."
"Would you forgive yourself if it happened to one of your children?"
Never.
She looked out to the garden, sipping her shandy. "You can't imagine how glad I am to meet you, Elliot. It means a great deal to know there is someone caring for Toby."
Elliot took a mouthful of beer, let it sit on his tongue before he gulped it down. "Holly won't come downstairs because I hit your son."
Her lips pressed into a thin line.
"There's no reason, no excuse. I lost my temper." He held his breath as she examined him, wondering if blurting that out had blown everything up. She deserved to know Elliot was no knight in shining armour. It was a miracle Holly hadn't let it out.
Finally she refolded her hands. "Thank you for telling me. But that's not quite true, is it?" Her eyes were cold. "You hit him because you learned about Chris Keller."
Elliot sat back. "You knew."
"He told me."
So much for Toby not talking to her. All this time, under all this bubbling friendliness, she'd known he punched Toby. "I'm sorry." The apology felt ridiculous.
She pulled her cardigan tighter, tipped her head to listen for Toby's footsteps, and Elliot held his breath. "Chris Keller was... a terrible, awful... He was a bastard." She spat out the last word, hard enough to make Elliot sit up. "I know he saved Holly's life, and Toby's - maybe all our lives - but even if I could forget what he did to those three poor young men, I can't ever forgive all of the things he did to Toby." She looked at him, waited until he nodded. "That bastard pinned my son down on a basketball court and broke his arms and legs. Can you imagine what it was like to see him in a hospital bed in that state? To know he was going back in there, and there wasn't a thing we could do to protect him?"
Elliot couldn't.
"Keller hurt him over and over, and when my son was finally free of that place he ripped him from the arms of his children and dragged him back." There was real venom in her tone, and Elliot was startled to realise it was the most she'd reminded him of Toby all evening.
Over the years Elliot had had plenty of opportunities to put himself in the shoes of parents of victims. Now he tried to imagine having to stand by the way Victoria had, while Dickie went through even a sampling of Toby's life. It made him want to protect Toby all over again.
Her mouth twisted, a bitterness that didn't belong on her face. "I don't care to know what hold that animal had over my son. I just need to know that you'll be good for him."
Elliot didn't know that he was good for anyone, but he was certainly going to try. "I care about him."
"That isn't enough." She put her drink down. "You men, you excuse violence too easily. That place... it was nothing but violence. My son went in a drunk and he came out a dangerous man. It needs to stop."
"It won't ever happen again, Mrs Beecher. I'd never forgive myself."
She shook her head, curls bouncing, so Elliot squeezed her hand.
"And I'd never accept it from Toby, either."
It was the last declaration that seemed to ease her mind. She squeezed him back. "Thank you."
Finally Toby came down, looking like he'd soundly lost that argument. He dropped into a chair, ran a hand through his crew cut. Elliot wanted to comfort him, but he had no business pretending to be a bystander. Toby had been up there trying to get his daughter to accept something she never should.
If Elliot couldn't get things right with Holly, things would never be right with Toby. Elliot put down his beer. "I have to be the one who fixes this."
Toby shook his head. "She needs time."
"She needs an apology. And then time."
"Elliot, she won't-"
Victoria patted Elliot's knee. "Up the stairs, second door on the right."
Elliot slipped a hand onto Toby's shoulder and gave a squeeze as he passed. He needed the touch to fortify himself, but if Toby took it as a comfort, that was fine, too.
He took the stairs, and had no trouble picking out the door with 'Holly' marked in uneven foam letters. It was ajar, and he could see her sitting up on her bed, reading. Elliot steeled himself. He talked to upset kids all the time. He just wasn't usually the perp.
He knocked twice. Holly drew breath to tell Toby to go away, and then she saw it was Elliot, and settled for a poisonous glare. It could have been Lizzie sitting there, angry about being told she couldn't go to a party. Or Kathleen or Maureen, a few years back. Actually, it could be Kathleen now. He pushed the door wider and leaned against the jamb, knowing better than to ask to come in. "Hi."
She was in jeans and fuzzy blue sweater, her long blonde braid tied off with a matching ribbon. The last time he saw her, she'd been clinging to her bleeding father.
She lifted her book, and pretended to go back to reading. This bedroom was decorated in pink, cluttered with soft toys, shelves stuffed with old board games. This had been Holly's full-time home until a year ago.
"I've apologised to your dad, but I've never told you how sorry I am."
She started reading the same page over.
"I'm sure your dad has made a lot of excuses for what I did, but none of them are good. I had no right to hurt him. There's no excuse. I lost my temper. I'm sorry." He waited, hoping for something.
She turned the page, but her eyes weren't tracking.
"I care about your dad-"
"You're just as bad as all the others, Stalin and Harry and Pop and everyone else. He lets everyone treat him like a bad person and he's not."
"I know he's not." Elliot slid his hands into his pockets. "Your dad forgave me, but you don't have to."
"I'm not going to."
"I will never, ever do it again."
She finally looked up. "Why would I believe you?"
"You shouldn't. But I brought you this." He pulled a business card out of his wallet and stepped inside to hand it over.
She was too curious to refuse it. He could feel his heart hammering as she read it carefully. "Who's Captain Donald Cragen?"
"He's my boss. If I ever did that again, you could call him, and I'd be in big trouble."
She didn't look as pleased as he thought she would. She kept on examining the card. "Would you go to prison?"
"Probably not." Not for a first offence. "I might be put on probation or have to do community service. I might lose my job."
"And you wouldn't help kids anymore."
Elliot looked around, found her desk chair and sat. "Then I guess it's a good thing I'm never going to hurt your dad again. I care about him a lot, Holly. What I did... I'm ashamed of it. I'm trying to do better with my temper."
She contemplated him for a long time, that serious adult face that kids only nailed after awful, adult things had happened to them. "What would you do if you lost your job?"
"I don't know." He wouldn't be able to provide for his kids. If his temper took his job and Toby in one swoop, there wouldn't be much left for him at all.
She turned the card over, and over again. "What did you do today?"
"What do you mean?"
"What case are you working on?"
Elliot definitely didn't want to discuss his job with Holly. He could barely discuss it with Toby. "I'm helping a woman who was hurt." Beaten, violated, left for dead two days ago. She woke up today and they had to tell her they didn't have any decent leads.
"Was she raped?"
Elliot floundered. His own kids knew better than to ask him for details. "Holly, I can't discuss things like that with you."
"Why not?"
"Because you're eleven years old, and you already know too much about the bad things that happen in the world."
She leaned forward, watching him with wide blue eyes. "Do you know kids who've been through worse than me?"
This was getting way too close to the line, but at least she was talking to him. "Yes. And some who don't have anyone who loves them as much as your family loves you."
She looked down again. Elliot hadn't meant to shame her. "I don't forgive you."
"You shouldn't."
"Tell Dad I'll be down for dinner." She tucked Cragen's card in the back of her book and opened it to start reading. Barely loud enough for Elliot to hear, she added, "Please."
"I will. Thank you."
Toby was alone when Elliot stepped outside, sipping his cream soda. He seemed surprised to see him intact.
"She'll be down for dinner."
Toby's mouth opened. "What did you say?"
"That's between me and Holly."
"Thank you."
Elliot sat on the loveseat and reached across for Toby's hand, tugging him until he came to sit beside him. "You don't need to thank me. I think we have a truce, more than reconciliation, but it's a start." He put his arm around Toby's shoulders, glad when Toby leaned against him. He felt like he'd lost ten pounds.
He rubbed his cheek in Toby' short hair. "You know the only time Dickie ever wore a turtleneck was to cover a hickey." He was glad he hadn't thought of that before he met Victoria.
Toby tugged at his collar. "You want to get one in while Mother's on the phone?"
"I'll pass."
"Seriously, how did you get Holly onside?"
"I gave her complete power over my life. It seemed like a fair trade."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dinner went more smoothly than Toby had dared to hope. He knew his mother would like Elliot, but he could have hugged her for how quickly she'd made him feel comfortable when they arrived. And just when Toby had given up hoping Holly would budge, Elliot had somehow talked her down for dinner. He was right about it being a truce; Holly hadn't said one word more to Elliot through dinner than she needed to be politely ask him to pass things, but she had managed that much. Toby had hugged her tightly, when he wished her goodnight.
He wished he could do a lot more than hug Elliot. It seemed weird, that watching Elliot be at home with his family made him hard, but then he remembered something similar with Gen, how watching her tuck the kids into bed used to stir some primal instinct to make more family with her. So maybe it was normal, that he wanted to drag Elliot back upstairs and get his clothes off to thank him for tonight. He'd felt Elliot's gaze, and was sure he had the same dirty thoughts.
The salt air off the bay was chilly as he walked Elliot back to his car. He hadn't bothered to bring his jacket for the short walk. "Are you sure you won't stay?"
Elliot looked awkwardly back towards the house. "I have to pick Dickie up at eight; I'd rather do the drive home now than tomorrow." And Elliot had managed to put an arm around Toby while his mother was out of view, but Toby could tell he wasn't ready to be sharing a bed under her roof. "Your mother's one hell of a woman."
Toby had realised that all over again himself, tonight. "She liked you."
"She wanted to know my intentions towards you."
Great. Now Toby was going to spend half the night wondering how that conversation had gone. "She can be a little overprotective."
"Can you blame her?" Elliot shuffled his feet on the pavement. "I'm glad you told her what I did to you." Toby was confused, until Elliot laid a hand where his fist had left its mark.
Toby laid his own hand on top. "She knows what I did to you." Most of it. Not all.
Half a minute passed, and Elliot moved his hand to Toby's back, got them moving again. From here the rush of waves was louder than the traffic from the boulevard. Toby smiled at a house strung with pumpkin fairy lights. Maybe he should get some decorations up at home. Another few yards to the car, and Elliot pulled his keys out of his pocket. It was dark here, streetlight shadowed by a tree. No one around. Toby stepped close and Elliot met him halfway, an arm around his waist and an arm around his shoulders, a warm kiss. And then Elliot hugged him, and Toby slipped his arms under the leather jacket and latched on tight. He wished Elliot would stay.
"I'm going to win Holly over."
"I know."
Elliot slipped back too soon, though he kept one hand on Toby's arm as he played with his keys. When he lifted his head his gaze was intense. "I couldn't keep my eyes off you tonight. You looked happy. I liked being part of that."
Toby smiled, pleased and awkward.
Elliot jangled the keys, suddenly nervous. "You know, it's been nearly two years since Kathy moved out? I thought it was all over. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Couldn't imagine anything else good happening in my life unless she came back. I thought my future was just burying myself in work, drinking my way through to retirement. That was the only plan I had." His tongue pushed out over his bottom lip, unconsciously pacing his words. "I never thought I'd find myself watching the clock all day, excited to see someone else. Never thought I'd find myself looking forward to introducing my kids to someone I care about this much. I love you."
Elliot stared at him for a long time, and then he abruptly unlocked his car and climbed in and drove away. It was another five minutes at least, before Toby realised Elliot had been waiting for him to say the same back.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
end chapter 46
A little note: I am totally, absolutely cool with anonymous comments, but there are a few of you, so it's starting to get confusing with who is who. So it would be very awesome, dear anon commenters, if you initialled your comments or signed some kind of pseud on the bottom. I don't need to know who you are; it would just be nice to know that this lovely feedback is the same person who said x on the other chapter. (This is not a demand - I welcome comments however they come - it would just be awesome.)
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The complete works of Dr Squidlove can be found at http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
S.
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 5322.
So, so long.
Okay, fine. I realised I've never actually given Toby's mother's name in the story up until now, so I'm bowing to peer pressure and going with secondary canon Victoria. And I'll change Breaking. Again.
I"ve been cramming in some rewrites. I suspect this may be the only SVU/Oz fan fiction ever edited at a One Direction concert. I could be wrong.
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
Someone Like You
chapter 46: No excuses
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 45, Relatives:
The birthday dinner was over; time to clean the kitchen. Elliot insisted Olivia's visit hadn't been a test. Toby accepted that, but wanted to know if he passed. Which he did.
It took some doing, but Elliot persuaded Toby to say fuck the dishes, and they got to sexin'. Elliot displayed new confidence. Toby showed Elliot what his tongue could do.
In the warm afterglow, Elliot mused on getting used to wanting a guy. Toby asked Elliot to meet his Mom. And they acknowledged that getting Holly to welcome Elliot back was a complicated issue.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The streetlights were just blinking on as Elliot pulled up in front. Lizzie was out of the car as soon as it stopped, head down, straight up the path to the house.
Kathy was standing at the mailbox. "Hey, Lizzie, how was it?"
"It's horrible." Lizzie rushed in the door, and Kathy watched her go, bemused.
"Her teeth hurt, and she hates how she looks," said Elliot.
"I'll bet. How does it look?" Kathy wandered down the steps to meet him on the path.
He handed over the shopping bags and Lizzie's half-drunk smoothie. "A little like a chipmunk. Just like Maureen, when she got her braces on. There's some extra-strength Tylenol in there."
"Thanks for taking her. I couldn't juggle any more days off."
"You don't have to thank me." Being thanked for doing basic dad stuff like taking his kid to the orthodontist just made him feel like a lousy father. For a bad day for Elizabeth, it had turned out pretty nice for Elliot: he'd taken her out for one last bagel before the appointment, and afterwards he'd taken her shopping for chapsticks, which turned out to be buying ten different flavours of lip balms and glosses and assorted other girl-things. "When did she start buying cosmetics?"
"Apparently seventh grade means make up."
Elliot shook his head. He wasn't ready for his last little girl to grow up. "Can we talk?"
Kathy was instantly wary. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong." Elliot reached over and straightened the little Pottery Barn witch in the planter box. The path to the door was lined with the usual creepy decorations, and just like every year, Elliot wondered when Halloween had snuck up on him. He looked up; Kathy was waiting. He hadn't decided how to say this, but he wanted to bite the bullet.
"Are you dating someone?"
"Yeah." He hated how awkward he felt about this. He never felt awkward when he was with Toby, but trying to explain it to his wife of twenty years, here in the front yard of the house he'd raised his children in, he was lost.
"Is it another man?"
Like that, he supposed. "It's Toby. We're back together."
"All right."
He looked up at her tone. He supposed he'd have that tone, if she told him she was serious about someone. For more than half his life, he'd really believed 'until death do us part,' with her. Even six months ago, some part of him had been waiting for Kathy to show up and tell him she'd punished him enough. Which was probably why he was divorced.
She clutched her cardigan a little tighter. It was chilly out here. "I take it this is more than casual dating."
Elliot nodded, but he could see she was waiting for something more, so he added, "I'm going to meet his mother tomorrow."
One eyebrow shot up, lip curling. "You're going to meet your boyfriend's mother? You still twitch when we visit my mother. Or you did, when..."
When they were still married. Elliot shrugged. Kathy's parents were good people, but he'd never stopped feeling like the dolt who knocked up their daughter at seventeen. And once the marriage got rocky, he'd felt the chill, and he'd known Kathy was confiding in them.
"Are you going to introduce him to your mother?"
Not likely. Elliot slid his hands into his pockets. "His family's old money. Rich society people."
"You're worried you won't be good enough for their rich society family?"
It wasn't like that. Elliot had no trouble dealing with those sort of people when he was working, but he didn't need to know what fork to use when he was interrogating a witness. He was more of a beers at a sports bar kind of guy. "Toby's a silver spoon Harvard-law-educated-"
"He's a lawyer?" She stared, open-mouthed, more shocked than when Elliot had told her he was a man.
"He was, not anymore. He never did criminal law."
"Why did he change careers?"
"That's... I'll tell you about that some other time." He knew that just raised her suspicions, but he doubted she'd suspect anything as wild as Elliot being with a felon. "I'm sorry I was such a prick that time I saw you dressed up for a date."
"Elliot, that was what, a year ago?"
"Then I'm sorry it took me so long to apologise."
Kathy looked away, uncomfortable. "I understood. I was mad as hell, but I understood."
"Have you... Are you still seeing him? Or anyone?"
"Him? No. I've been on a few dates. Nothing serious."
Elliot had no right to feel relieved by that. "You deserve to have someone in your life. Someone who'll treat you better than I did."
She folded her arms. "We had a lot of good years, El." She shifted on her feet, thinking it through. "How does his daughter feel about all this?"
"Holly?"
"You said she was there when you..."
Elliot rubbed his head. He'd forgotten that he'd told Kathy that. "She hates my living, breathing guts. About as much as any of ours would, if some man laid a hand on you."
Kathy didn't have any wise advice for that problem.
"I've been seeing someone. A counsellor."
More surprise. "Is it helping?"
"I don't know." Some of Judith's calming techniques had come in handy a few times, but there hadn't been any sort of miraculous cure for the simmering anger he carried with him. And Elliot had done enough sharing for now. "It's cold out here. You should go in."
She nodded, glancing back towards the glowing kitchen window. Someone had painted a menacing pumpkin on it. "Did you want to..."
"No. No, you've probably got dinner almost ready. I'll see the kids soon." He started backing down the path. "You probably remember everything from Maureen's braces, but there's a pamphlet in one of those bags."
"Are you going to tell the kids?"
"I will." He pretended he didn't see her look, but he paused. "Maureen knows."
"Maureen?"
"She met him. Before it all..."
"Maureen met him? She knows?"
"Yeah."
"She kept it a secret?"
"I asked her to wait, and then we split..."
She rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand. "I didn't know Maureen had it in her to keep quiet about something like that."
"She's growing up."
"I guess I'll be interrogating her tonight when she stops by to cheer up Elizabeth."
Great. "I'll see you next week, Kath."
Elliot headed back to the car. There'd been a lot of moments when it came home that his life with Kathy was over: clearing his last things out of the house, waking up alone on Christmas morning; seeing Kathy's bare finger. And now. No chance of reconciliation. Not even a lingering wish that things had gone differently. They'd gone the way they had, and now Elliot was with Toby. This was the first time one of those moments brought peace.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Elliot had been picturing some kind of stone mansion with a circular drive, but Toby's mother lived in a sleek modern townhouse in Manhattan Beach, an easy walk from Coney Island. It was all angles and picture windows and just a couple of doors up from the waterfront. He was pretty sure one of those potted plants would cost him a month's salary. Elliot wanted to go home and change into a coat and tie.
Toby had convinced him to dress down a little, promised this would be informal, so he'd just thrown a leather jacket over a grey Henley. He'd felt good about it when he picked Toby up and Toby purred over the leather, but now...
Toby was looking all Steve McQueen with a sports jacket over a turtleneck. Informal but suave and classy. Elliot couldn't have looked any more blue collar if he'd shown up at Mrs Beecher's door in reflective vest.
Toby put a hand on his back as they climbed the front stairs. "You've been in shoot-outs, remember? My mother's not that intimidating."
"I'm not afraid of your mother."
"Seemed like you did a lot of tossing and turning last night."
"When am I not tossing and turning?" Elliot hadn't had a solid night's sleep in over twenty years. Sure, last night he was mostly counting the ways some old money society woman could look down on her son's male cop lover, but Toby didn't know that. "Have I told you how good you look?"
Toby eyed him over. "I got the memo when you couldn't keep your eyes on the road."
That was kind of true. Elliot wanted to drag Toby off to a quiet corner and make out. That turtleneck looked soft.
Toby was lifting his key to the door when it was thrown open. "Hello!"
"Hi, Mother."
Toby's mother wasn't anything like what Elliot had expected, either. He'd been bracing himself for an older, scrawny, matronly-type, appalled to see what her son had dragged in, but she was a small, smiling woman with a head of unruly curls, who grabbed both of Elliot's hands as soon as he was within reach. "Elliot, it's such a pleasure to meet you at last."
"And you, Mrs Beecher."
"Victoria, please." No distaste for him being a man, no sneer for the cop who thought he was good enough for her son. "Toby, dear." She hugged Toby close, and the way he squirmed under her affection reminded Elliot of Dickie, age nine. It made him smile.
She was young - looked too young to be Toby's mother - and all smiles, which he hadn't expected at all. "Holly's upstairs; she'll be down soon."
Refusing to come down because of him, Elliot was sure. He shared a look with Toby, and realised he didn't know how much Victoria knew about why Holly didn't want anything to do with him. Obviously not all of it. His cheeks burned with shame.
Toby glanced up the stairs. "I'll talk her down later. It won't hurt to have some time for us."
Victoria dismissed that with a wave. "I told her to come down for dinner or go hungry. Come on through - Samuel's going to serve us canapes out the back. It's been such beautiful weather, and enjoying the outdoors seems so urgent when winter's rolling in. I know Toby prefers the garden."
"Sounds lovely, Mother," said Toby.
She led them through a meticulously-kept house, white carpets and real art on the walls, to a back porch in a tiny wild garden. Elliot could see why Toby liked it out here. "This is beautiful, Victoria."
"I wish I could take credit, Elliot. My gardener, Belinda, is a sweetheart." She led Elliot to sit with her on the loveseat, leaving Toby to perch on the wing chair.
"You have a beautiful home."
"I moved here after my husband died. That big house was far too much for Holly and me."
So she moved after Toby went back to prison. Elliot could see that in Toby's discomfort.
"Toby, before I forget, Patricia sent a save the date for her wedding in May. There's one for you, too."
"For me?"
"Of course."
"Mother, she doesn't want me at her wedding."
"The save the date card would indicate that she does."
"She's just being polite."
Victoria's eyes narrowed. "Her family was very good to ours while you were gone. She always asked after you."
"Mother..."
"You're going."
Elliot had to hide his grin. It was fun seeing this side of Toby, exasperated and out-foxed by his mother.
"And am I supposed to take a plus-one?"
Elliot stopped smiling.
"Well, that's a question you should put to Elliot, isn't it?" She turned to him. "They're lovely people. You do tend to find out who your friends are, when you go through trials like ours."
"I'm sure you do."
She looked to Toby again. "You can't hide from your old friends forever, Toby."
He rolled his eyes, obviously knowing his way through this argument. "I thought we came here tonight so you could badger Elliot."
"And I will."
With perfect timing, an older gentleman stepped out with a silver tray of tiny bruschettas, twisty cheese pastries, and shrimp and sausage slices mounted together on toothpicks.
"Hi, Samuel." Toby jumped up to tug a low table into a better spot.
"Good evening, Mr Beecher."
Victoria thanked him as he put down the tray. "This is our friend Elliot Stabler."
"Good evening, Mr Stabler."
"Nice to meet you."
"May I offer you a drink?"
Toby leaned in before Elliot had to wonder what was on offer. "Let Samuel get you a beer. He's a beer connoisseur."
Samuel looked pleased, so Elliot nodded. "Sure. Something towards the pale end?"
"Certainly, sir."
They organised drinks with the butler, and then Victoria made herself comfortable, ready to turn her motherly focus on Elliot. "Tell me all about yourself. Toby says you have children?"
"Four. Ages twelve through twenty-one."
"That's wonderful. All healthy and happy, I hope?"
"We've been lucky. Though one of my youngest, Elizabeth, got braces this week, and she's feeling a little sorry for herself."
"I'm sure, poor thing. You said you met his oldest, Toby?"
Toby polished off a pastry, absently licking crumbs off his fingers until Victoria chided him. "Sorry. Yes, Maureen. You'd like her, Mother."
They talked about Maureen's post-grad plans, and Victoria extolled the virtues of Boston University. Elliot made the same case he'd been trying to make with Maureen for Colombia. Samuel brought out a pretty incredible beer, a shandy for Victoria and a cream soda for Toby.
Elliot smiled at that. "Cream soda?"
"Don't mock it." Toby held out his bottle until Elliot accepted it and took a sip.
And another, deeper sip. It didn't taste how Elliot remembered from when he was a kid. "That's really good." He checked the label before he passed it back. It wasn't as good as his beer, but it was good.
They got back to discussing Elliot's kids, and their adventures led to Harry and Holly, and Toby trying not to sneak glances inside. It was good of him to stay close, but his mother wasn't so terrifying after all. "Go on, I'm fine here."
Toby looked at him, caught.
"Go up and talk to her. Just don't..."
"Don't push her to come down. I won't. Thanks." Toby was inside like a shot.
Elliot watched him go, and turned back to find Victoria watching him. Now the interrogation began. He took a little bruschetta while he waited for the questions she'd ask now Toby was out of hearing.
"Toby says you're with the police? A detective?" Straight for the job. This was what Elliot had been bracing for since Toby asked him to come.
"That's right."
"And how did you get into the police force?"
"My dad was a cop. I did a couple of years in the Marines, and then I guess I followed in his footsteps."
"Like Toby and Angus followed Harrison."
"I guess so." Though it didn't sound like an urgent need to support a premature family had driven either of them through law school.
She took a moment to select a canape. "I think it means a lot to a father, for his son to follow him. I know it meant a lot to Harrison."
Elliot had never been sure. His dad had made a few gruff noises of approval, but he hadn't had a lot of friends left on the force by the time Elliot applied to the academy. Elliot had never wished for Dickie to follow him.
"What department?"
That was always Elliot's least favourite question. Nobody was comfortable with the sex police. "I'm with the Special Victims Unit."
Her smile faded as her eyes darted to where Toby had gone. "Is Toby all right?"
And he hadn't thought to anticipate that. "Mrs Beecher, I'm not... He's a friend, not a case."
She didn't look convinced.
"I promise you, that's not how we met."
Slowly her eyes lowered. "He thinks I'm a naive old woman. I know things happened in prison. I know a lot more than he'd like me to know."
Elliot wished she didn't. It was too soon for this conversation, but Victoria was hardly the first distressed mother he'd spoken to. At least this he had practice in. "Maybe believing you don't know is what gets him through the day."
He saw her eyes close, her hand grip the armrest, and realised he'd just confirmed it. Damn. "You can't imagine what it's like to hear your son tell you his heroin habit is the only way he can get through his days in prison. And then to find you don't have a single argument to make to the contrary."
Elliot didn't have the first clue what to say to that.
"Sometimes I feel like that's the last truly honest conversation Toby and I had." She shifted, turning to face Elliot better. "That place took my daughter-in-law, my grandson and my husband. It almost took Angus. It ate a piece out of Holly's and Harry's childhoods. I'd be grateful if I could just have my son back."
"Give it time. He's still finding his feet."
She nodded like she'd told herself that more than once. "I wish there was more I could do. I wish I knew where we went wrong in the first place, how we failed him."
"I think Toby would be the first to tell you that he was responsible for his actions."
"Would you forgive yourself if it happened to one of your children?"
Never.
She looked out to the garden, sipping her shandy. "You can't imagine how glad I am to meet you, Elliot. It means a great deal to know there is someone caring for Toby."
Elliot took a mouthful of beer, let it sit on his tongue before he gulped it down. "Holly won't come downstairs because I hit your son."
Her lips pressed into a thin line.
"There's no reason, no excuse. I lost my temper." He held his breath as she examined him, wondering if blurting that out had blown everything up. She deserved to know Elliot was no knight in shining armour. It was a miracle Holly hadn't let it out.
Finally she refolded her hands. "Thank you for telling me. But that's not quite true, is it?" Her eyes were cold. "You hit him because you learned about Chris Keller."
Elliot sat back. "You knew."
"He told me."
So much for Toby not talking to her. All this time, under all this bubbling friendliness, she'd known he punched Toby. "I'm sorry." The apology felt ridiculous.
She pulled her cardigan tighter, tipped her head to listen for Toby's footsteps, and Elliot held his breath. "Chris Keller was... a terrible, awful... He was a bastard." She spat out the last word, hard enough to make Elliot sit up. "I know he saved Holly's life, and Toby's - maybe all our lives - but even if I could forget what he did to those three poor young men, I can't ever forgive all of the things he did to Toby." She looked at him, waited until he nodded. "That bastard pinned my son down on a basketball court and broke his arms and legs. Can you imagine what it was like to see him in a hospital bed in that state? To know he was going back in there, and there wasn't a thing we could do to protect him?"
Elliot couldn't.
"Keller hurt him over and over, and when my son was finally free of that place he ripped him from the arms of his children and dragged him back." There was real venom in her tone, and Elliot was startled to realise it was the most she'd reminded him of Toby all evening.
Over the years Elliot had had plenty of opportunities to put himself in the shoes of parents of victims. Now he tried to imagine having to stand by the way Victoria had, while Dickie went through even a sampling of Toby's life. It made him want to protect Toby all over again.
Her mouth twisted, a bitterness that didn't belong on her face. "I don't care to know what hold that animal had over my son. I just need to know that you'll be good for him."
Elliot didn't know that he was good for anyone, but he was certainly going to try. "I care about him."
"That isn't enough." She put her drink down. "You men, you excuse violence too easily. That place... it was nothing but violence. My son went in a drunk and he came out a dangerous man. It needs to stop."
"It won't ever happen again, Mrs Beecher. I'd never forgive myself."
She shook her head, curls bouncing, so Elliot squeezed her hand.
"And I'd never accept it from Toby, either."
It was the last declaration that seemed to ease her mind. She squeezed him back. "Thank you."
Finally Toby came down, looking like he'd soundly lost that argument. He dropped into a chair, ran a hand through his crew cut. Elliot wanted to comfort him, but he had no business pretending to be a bystander. Toby had been up there trying to get his daughter to accept something she never should.
If Elliot couldn't get things right with Holly, things would never be right with Toby. Elliot put down his beer. "I have to be the one who fixes this."
Toby shook his head. "She needs time."
"She needs an apology. And then time."
"Elliot, she won't-"
Victoria patted Elliot's knee. "Up the stairs, second door on the right."
Elliot slipped a hand onto Toby's shoulder and gave a squeeze as he passed. He needed the touch to fortify himself, but if Toby took it as a comfort, that was fine, too.
He took the stairs, and had no trouble picking out the door with 'Holly' marked in uneven foam letters. It was ajar, and he could see her sitting up on her bed, reading. Elliot steeled himself. He talked to upset kids all the time. He just wasn't usually the perp.
He knocked twice. Holly drew breath to tell Toby to go away, and then she saw it was Elliot, and settled for a poisonous glare. It could have been Lizzie sitting there, angry about being told she couldn't go to a party. Or Kathleen or Maureen, a few years back. Actually, it could be Kathleen now. He pushed the door wider and leaned against the jamb, knowing better than to ask to come in. "Hi."
She was in jeans and fuzzy blue sweater, her long blonde braid tied off with a matching ribbon. The last time he saw her, she'd been clinging to her bleeding father.
She lifted her book, and pretended to go back to reading. This bedroom was decorated in pink, cluttered with soft toys, shelves stuffed with old board games. This had been Holly's full-time home until a year ago.
"I've apologised to your dad, but I've never told you how sorry I am."
She started reading the same page over.
"I'm sure your dad has made a lot of excuses for what I did, but none of them are good. I had no right to hurt him. There's no excuse. I lost my temper. I'm sorry." He waited, hoping for something.
She turned the page, but her eyes weren't tracking.
"I care about your dad-"
"You're just as bad as all the others, Stalin and Harry and Pop and everyone else. He lets everyone treat him like a bad person and he's not."
"I know he's not." Elliot slid his hands into his pockets. "Your dad forgave me, but you don't have to."
"I'm not going to."
"I will never, ever do it again."
She finally looked up. "Why would I believe you?"
"You shouldn't. But I brought you this." He pulled a business card out of his wallet and stepped inside to hand it over.
She was too curious to refuse it. He could feel his heart hammering as she read it carefully. "Who's Captain Donald Cragen?"
"He's my boss. If I ever did that again, you could call him, and I'd be in big trouble."
She didn't look as pleased as he thought she would. She kept on examining the card. "Would you go to prison?"
"Probably not." Not for a first offence. "I might be put on probation or have to do community service. I might lose my job."
"And you wouldn't help kids anymore."
Elliot looked around, found her desk chair and sat. "Then I guess it's a good thing I'm never going to hurt your dad again. I care about him a lot, Holly. What I did... I'm ashamed of it. I'm trying to do better with my temper."
She contemplated him for a long time, that serious adult face that kids only nailed after awful, adult things had happened to them. "What would you do if you lost your job?"
"I don't know." He wouldn't be able to provide for his kids. If his temper took his job and Toby in one swoop, there wouldn't be much left for him at all.
She turned the card over, and over again. "What did you do today?"
"What do you mean?"
"What case are you working on?"
Elliot definitely didn't want to discuss his job with Holly. He could barely discuss it with Toby. "I'm helping a woman who was hurt." Beaten, violated, left for dead two days ago. She woke up today and they had to tell her they didn't have any decent leads.
"Was she raped?"
Elliot floundered. His own kids knew better than to ask him for details. "Holly, I can't discuss things like that with you."
"Why not?"
"Because you're eleven years old, and you already know too much about the bad things that happen in the world."
She leaned forward, watching him with wide blue eyes. "Do you know kids who've been through worse than me?"
This was getting way too close to the line, but at least she was talking to him. "Yes. And some who don't have anyone who loves them as much as your family loves you."
She looked down again. Elliot hadn't meant to shame her. "I don't forgive you."
"You shouldn't."
"Tell Dad I'll be down for dinner." She tucked Cragen's card in the back of her book and opened it to start reading. Barely loud enough for Elliot to hear, she added, "Please."
"I will. Thank you."
Toby was alone when Elliot stepped outside, sipping his cream soda. He seemed surprised to see him intact.
"She'll be down for dinner."
Toby's mouth opened. "What did you say?"
"That's between me and Holly."
"Thank you."
Elliot sat on the loveseat and reached across for Toby's hand, tugging him until he came to sit beside him. "You don't need to thank me. I think we have a truce, more than reconciliation, but it's a start." He put his arm around Toby's shoulders, glad when Toby leaned against him. He felt like he'd lost ten pounds.
He rubbed his cheek in Toby' short hair. "You know the only time Dickie ever wore a turtleneck was to cover a hickey." He was glad he hadn't thought of that before he met Victoria.
Toby tugged at his collar. "You want to get one in while Mother's on the phone?"
"I'll pass."
"Seriously, how did you get Holly onside?"
"I gave her complete power over my life. It seemed like a fair trade."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dinner went more smoothly than Toby had dared to hope. He knew his mother would like Elliot, but he could have hugged her for how quickly she'd made him feel comfortable when they arrived. And just when Toby had given up hoping Holly would budge, Elliot had somehow talked her down for dinner. He was right about it being a truce; Holly hadn't said one word more to Elliot through dinner than she needed to be politely ask him to pass things, but she had managed that much. Toby had hugged her tightly, when he wished her goodnight.
He wished he could do a lot more than hug Elliot. It seemed weird, that watching Elliot be at home with his family made him hard, but then he remembered something similar with Gen, how watching her tuck the kids into bed used to stir some primal instinct to make more family with her. So maybe it was normal, that he wanted to drag Elliot back upstairs and get his clothes off to thank him for tonight. He'd felt Elliot's gaze, and was sure he had the same dirty thoughts.
The salt air off the bay was chilly as he walked Elliot back to his car. He hadn't bothered to bring his jacket for the short walk. "Are you sure you won't stay?"
Elliot looked awkwardly back towards the house. "I have to pick Dickie up at eight; I'd rather do the drive home now than tomorrow." And Elliot had managed to put an arm around Toby while his mother was out of view, but Toby could tell he wasn't ready to be sharing a bed under her roof. "Your mother's one hell of a woman."
Toby had realised that all over again himself, tonight. "She liked you."
"She wanted to know my intentions towards you."
Great. Now Toby was going to spend half the night wondering how that conversation had gone. "She can be a little overprotective."
"Can you blame her?" Elliot shuffled his feet on the pavement. "I'm glad you told her what I did to you." Toby was confused, until Elliot laid a hand where his fist had left its mark.
Toby laid his own hand on top. "She knows what I did to you." Most of it. Not all.
Half a minute passed, and Elliot moved his hand to Toby's back, got them moving again. From here the rush of waves was louder than the traffic from the boulevard. Toby smiled at a house strung with pumpkin fairy lights. Maybe he should get some decorations up at home. Another few yards to the car, and Elliot pulled his keys out of his pocket. It was dark here, streetlight shadowed by a tree. No one around. Toby stepped close and Elliot met him halfway, an arm around his waist and an arm around his shoulders, a warm kiss. And then Elliot hugged him, and Toby slipped his arms under the leather jacket and latched on tight. He wished Elliot would stay.
"I'm going to win Holly over."
"I know."
Elliot slipped back too soon, though he kept one hand on Toby's arm as he played with his keys. When he lifted his head his gaze was intense. "I couldn't keep my eyes off you tonight. You looked happy. I liked being part of that."
Toby smiled, pleased and awkward.
Elliot jangled the keys, suddenly nervous. "You know, it's been nearly two years since Kathy moved out? I thought it was all over. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Couldn't imagine anything else good happening in my life unless she came back. I thought my future was just burying myself in work, drinking my way through to retirement. That was the only plan I had." His tongue pushed out over his bottom lip, unconsciously pacing his words. "I never thought I'd find myself watching the clock all day, excited to see someone else. Never thought I'd find myself looking forward to introducing my kids to someone I care about this much. I love you."
Elliot stared at him for a long time, and then he abruptly unlocked his car and climbed in and drove away. It was another five minutes at least, before Toby realised Elliot had been waiting for him to say the same back.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
end chapter 46
A little note: I am totally, absolutely cool with anonymous comments, but there are a few of you, so it's starting to get confusing with who is who. So it would be very awesome, dear anon commenters, if you initialled your comments or signed some kind of pseud on the bottom. I don't need to know who you are; it would just be nice to know that this lovely feedback is the same person who said x on the other chapter. (This is not a demand - I welcome comments however they come - it would just be awesome.)
Feedback conspires to debauch and corrupt the morals of society. Concrit thoroughly welcome, warm fuzzies treasured. Here or at drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
The complete works of Dr Squidlove can be found at http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
S.