Someone Like You 43/61: Forty - Beecher/Stabler
Someone Like You
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 2011
Very short. Sorry: this is where the chapter breaks.
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
Someone Like You
chapter 43: Forty
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 42, Domesticated:
Elliot was avoiding Toby. Again. But Toby didn't drink!
Elliot felt the urgent need to reassure Olivia that the whole Toby cross dressing thing was an aberration. Olivia was all, 'Whatever.' Elliot and Olivia chatted with a suspect who treated his lovers like crap. Elliot identified a little, but not completely. He wanted to be a better man that that.
Elliot stopped avoiding Toby, and met up for breakfast. Toby approached it as an exercise in patience, and tried to send him home, but Elliot had decided it was time to just let things go and come upstairs. Nakedness ensued, and plenty of kissing, and then Holly came home. Holly was less pleased by the reunion than you lot. Toby collected up the trail of clothes and shooed Elliot out, to deal with it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Toby herded Holly into her room so Elliot could make a discreet exit - as much discretion as was left to them, at least - and pretended not to notice the poison she was glaring towards his bedroom. Putting Holly and Elliot in a room together had seemed like such a pipe dream, he'd never thought to worry about how it might turn out. "I didn't expect to see you today."
Elliot had probably worried about it.
"Really?" Sarcasm from an eleven-year old. She pulled off her jacket and dumped it over the desk chair. "Aisha had to go to her aunt's. Why is he here?"
Toby left the door cracked. It wouldn't hurt Elliot to hear some of this - his side, anyway. "We made up." He sat on the end of her bed.
"He hit you!"
"I know. You saw the last part of a terrible, awful fight, and we were both wrong."
She stood with her hands in fists, five feet of blonde-haired fury. "I don't know how you can forgive him!"
She really had no idea what kind of man Toby was. "Because I killed a child, and I still hope that her parents will forgive me one day. Because I need you and your brother to forgive me for abandoning you when I went to prison." He pulled her closer to sit beside him and hugged her, kissed her head. "I wish your mother could have forgiven me. I've made so many mistakes, Holly. What right would I have to ask forgiveness of anyone if I couldn't forgive Elliot one moment of temper after I hurt him very deeply? It's easy to hold a grudge when you're eleven; you haven't made any terrible mistakes yet. By the time you reach my age, grudges are just... hypocrisy."
"What if he does it again?"
"He won't."
"He might."
"He won't."
"You can't trust him."
"I have to. The same way he has to trust me, that I won't lie to him again." He knew who had the best odds in that exchange. "I care about him, Hol. I miss him."
She pulled out of his arms and turned to face him, looking very serious. "You let people treat you however they want because you feel guilty for everything but it's not fair. You went to prison for that little girl. That was enough. Gary died, and that's too much. And I know that being away from us hurt you just as much as us, so you have to stop feeling bad about that."
"Hol..."
"And what Mom did was worse than anything you ever did and I hate her so I don't care about that."
"Holly!"
She shoved off his attempt to hug her. "Stalin had no right to treat you like a bad little kid and Harry has no right to say the things he does and Elliot didn't have the right to hit you!"
"I never said he had the right. I said I forgave him."
"I won't! Ever!"
"Fine." Arguing now would just make her dig her heels in harder. Stalin, Harry, Elliot: all of them had reasons, but that wasn't a lesson he wanted Holly to absorb. Maybe there was something for her here, but it took all his courage to say it past the lump in his throat. "And you don't have the right to cold-shoulder me for trying to be a father to Harry."
She opened her mouth and jammed it shut again.
"You know damn-well how much I love you, Holly. You know damn-well you don't have to act up to have my undivided attention." He swallowed. "We still haven't talked about what happened in San Diego."
"I don't want to talk about Harry."
"Can we talk about your mother? You're still angry at her for dying."
Holly narrowed her eyes. "She didn't just die."
"For killing herself. Me too. I'm still angry."
That surprised her. He could see it rolling around in her head. "Gary and I found her in the car. She looked like she was asleep, but she wouldn't wake up."
"I know. Grandmother told me. I'm still angry about that, too. But somebody reminded me that she'll never get to see you grow up." He smoothed a hand over her hair, following all the way to the end of her braid, and felt that same squeeze he'd felt in his heart the first time he'd seen her ecstatic grin welcome him home from Oz. "Being away from you and your brothers was the worst thing about prison, but in the end I got to come home. I have you now. When I remember that, I don't feel angry anymore. I just feel sorry for her."
Holly's arms slid around him, and he pulled her up into his lap, held her tight. At moments like this, it hard to feel anything but pity for Genevieve.
"She did a terrible thing, Holly, but there was more to her than that one mistake. I remember how happy she was decorating your nursery. I remember her holding the family together when I was on trial. I remember the zoo."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Elliot had just let himself in the door when Toby rang. Even that was enough to make his cheeks heat again. "Did you survive?"
Toby's warm chuckle echoed down the line. "I survived. I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault."
Elliot hated that he was embarrassed. He'd never held back on showing affection for Kathy in front of his kids. He'd had plenty of failings, but never that. But Holly wasn't his daughter, and the whole trail of clothes to the man she never expected to see again... And her repeated reminder that Elliot had hit Toby... And yes, even the gay thing. What felt perfectly natural in bed with Toby was something else altogether when they were caught at it by Toby's angry eleven year-old daughter.
He'd slunk out that door like a whipped dog.
Toby still sounded amused. "I guess that's the danger of Holly's newfound freedom on the subways. It might be time to get a chain lock."
Elliot tossed his keys on the counter and rubbed his face. "How angry is she?"
There was a telling lull. "I'm going to work on that."
Very angry. And more fearsome to Elliot than a seven-foot perp. But those perps didn't have the power to break this fragile new peace he had with Toby.
"Did you listen in?" The tone said Toby hoped he had, to Elliot's relief, that the door left ajar hadn't been an accident.
"A little." He switched the phone between his hands as he shrugged out of his coat. That little eavesdrop was what Elliot had been trying to hold onto for the drive home, instead of his worries. "I do forgive you."
Toby's breath out was loud. "Thank you."
"I will never hit you again."
"I know. I already forgave you."
"I know."
"I wish I hadn't had to kick you out."
"We've got time." It felt like they'd rushed back in, and Elliot wasn't sure that was the best idea, but right now he couldn't regret it. Not with his skin still tingling everywhere Toby had touched. He'd forgotten how it felt to let go of all the pressure, and he floated through to his bedroom, stripping off his hastily thrown-on clothes.
"When can I see you? Holly's at my mother's on Tuesday. We should probably give her some time before asking her to play nice."
Elliot wasn't sure ten years would be enough time. Holly had never forgiven anything of anyone, except Toby, and he was quite sure him assaulting Toby wasn't going to be the first. "Yes - no. I've got dinner with the kids." Elliot hesitated, but he'd feel stupid for keeping it secret. "It's my birthday."
"It's your fortieth! I can't believe I forgot!"
"Don't worry about it."
"We should do something."
"I'm too old for a fuss on my birthday."
"You can't ignore your fortieth!"
Elliot squirmed. Toby sounded as forced and awkward as Elliot felt. If not for their falling out, this birthday would have been a big deal. But things had gone to hell, and Kathleen and the twins still didn't know, and it was all too fresh to be telling them. Maybe next year, when there were no more doubts.
Was he really planning for a year from now?
"Let me know when you're free; I'll cook up something special."
Dinner for two had been special with Kathy, when most of their dinners were a chaos of hungry, fussy, fighting kids. With Toby it was another night in secret, no different to before. Elliot wasn't ready to be introducing his kids, but he wanted something to change.
"There's no rush," Toby said, sounding uncertain. "If you need more-"
"Could we have Olivia over? A dinner party?"
There was a beat of quiet. "Uh, sure. Are you sure?"
"That's what I want for my birthday." The kids could wait but Olivia already knew, and the last time she spoke to Toby he was just a questionable witness. A simple meal would go a long way to making this feel less like a shameful secret.
"Anything you want, El."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dickie came to the doorway, hands full of dirty plates. "It wouldn't kill you to help."
Kathleen shook her head. "Not a chance. Maureen and I cooked; you two clean; Dad doesn't do anything. That was the deal."
"We helped cook!" Lizzie yelled from the kitchen.
"I don't think licking the cake bowl counts as helping."
"Technically, I think that's cleaning," said Elliot.
Kathleen laughed as she stood. "I'm going to the bathroom. You two get the game board set up."
Elliot was glad he could still make her laugh. He rolled his head to look at Maureen. "Thanks. This was a really good birthday."
She took the lid off the box, started sorting out the pieces. "Elizabeth wanted to invite all your friends, make it a surprise party."
"Thanks for not doing that. I'd much rather just have family."
"I thought, maybe Olivia..."
"Maybe some other time. I'm sure she'd love to see you all. She asks after you."
Maureen looked around, as if to be sure they were alone. She was working up to something.
"Whatever it is, Maureen, just ask." Lizzie and Dickie were squabbling and banging dishes in the kitchen, but Kathleen would be back any minute.
She glanced towards the bathroom again. "How are you? Really?"
"I'm fine."
She gave him a sour look.
"Better." He wavered for all of two seconds over whether to tell her. "Toby and I are... We're working things out."
She beamed. "That's great, Dad!"
She thought that because she didn't know what went down. He wondered if she'd be more appalled by Toby's behaviour or his own.
"He really seemed like a nice guy. I wish he could have come tonight."
Resentment curled in his gut. "We're not ready for that." That's what he'd planned back in July. This birthday could have been something special, all Elliot's kids and Toby and Holly, maybe Olivia too, everyone he loved together, if Toby hadn't used Elliot as a stand-in for his rapist twin.
Elliot was glad to have Toby back, but maybe complete forgiveness might be a while coming.
"Are you going to tell them?" She waved towards the kitchen, the bathroom, just as Kathleen came out.
"Not yet, all right?"
Maureen started shuffling cards. "It'll be okay. We all just want you to be happy."
Kathleen gave them a strange look as she dropped into the armchair. "Did I miss something?" Elliot wasn't so sure about her. He wasn't so sure about Dickie and Lizzie, either, but that was what he wanted for his next birthday. To still be with Toby, and to have this all figured out with his family. He knew this year was going to be tough, but if he could have that twelve months from now, it would be worth getting through.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
end chapter 43
Feedback conspires to debauch and corrupt the morals of society. Concrit thoroughly welcome, warm fuzzies treasured. Here or at drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
The complete works of Dr Squidlove can be found at http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
S.
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
Oz/Law & Order: SVU crossover
Tobias Beecher's trying to rebuild his family in the shadow of the man he was in prison. Elliot Stabler's struggling to continue in the wake of divorce while his job eats away at his soul. It makes for an odd friendship, but it works.
Rated R for violence and explicit references to sexual violence.
Wordcount this post: 2011
Very short. Sorry: this is where the chapter breaks.
Full headers are on chapter 1.
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
Someone Like You
chapter 43: Forty
by Dr Squidlove
Previously, in chapter 42, Domesticated:
Elliot was avoiding Toby. Again. But Toby didn't drink!
Elliot felt the urgent need to reassure Olivia that the whole Toby cross dressing thing was an aberration. Olivia was all, 'Whatever.' Elliot and Olivia chatted with a suspect who treated his lovers like crap. Elliot identified a little, but not completely. He wanted to be a better man that that.
Elliot stopped avoiding Toby, and met up for breakfast. Toby approached it as an exercise in patience, and tried to send him home, but Elliot had decided it was time to just let things go and come upstairs. Nakedness ensued, and plenty of kissing, and then Holly came home. Holly was less pleased by the reunion than you lot. Toby collected up the trail of clothes and shooed Elliot out, to deal with it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Toby herded Holly into her room so Elliot could make a discreet exit - as much discretion as was left to them, at least - and pretended not to notice the poison she was glaring towards his bedroom. Putting Holly and Elliot in a room together had seemed like such a pipe dream, he'd never thought to worry about how it might turn out. "I didn't expect to see you today."
Elliot had probably worried about it.
"Really?" Sarcasm from an eleven-year old. She pulled off her jacket and dumped it over the desk chair. "Aisha had to go to her aunt's. Why is he here?"
Toby left the door cracked. It wouldn't hurt Elliot to hear some of this - his side, anyway. "We made up." He sat on the end of her bed.
"He hit you!"
"I know. You saw the last part of a terrible, awful fight, and we were both wrong."
She stood with her hands in fists, five feet of blonde-haired fury. "I don't know how you can forgive him!"
She really had no idea what kind of man Toby was. "Because I killed a child, and I still hope that her parents will forgive me one day. Because I need you and your brother to forgive me for abandoning you when I went to prison." He pulled her closer to sit beside him and hugged her, kissed her head. "I wish your mother could have forgiven me. I've made so many mistakes, Holly. What right would I have to ask forgiveness of anyone if I couldn't forgive Elliot one moment of temper after I hurt him very deeply? It's easy to hold a grudge when you're eleven; you haven't made any terrible mistakes yet. By the time you reach my age, grudges are just... hypocrisy."
"What if he does it again?"
"He won't."
"He might."
"He won't."
"You can't trust him."
"I have to. The same way he has to trust me, that I won't lie to him again." He knew who had the best odds in that exchange. "I care about him, Hol. I miss him."
She pulled out of his arms and turned to face him, looking very serious. "You let people treat you however they want because you feel guilty for everything but it's not fair. You went to prison for that little girl. That was enough. Gary died, and that's too much. And I know that being away from us hurt you just as much as us, so you have to stop feeling bad about that."
"Hol..."
"And what Mom did was worse than anything you ever did and I hate her so I don't care about that."
"Holly!"
She shoved off his attempt to hug her. "Stalin had no right to treat you like a bad little kid and Harry has no right to say the things he does and Elliot didn't have the right to hit you!"
"I never said he had the right. I said I forgave him."
"I won't! Ever!"
"Fine." Arguing now would just make her dig her heels in harder. Stalin, Harry, Elliot: all of them had reasons, but that wasn't a lesson he wanted Holly to absorb. Maybe there was something for her here, but it took all his courage to say it past the lump in his throat. "And you don't have the right to cold-shoulder me for trying to be a father to Harry."
She opened her mouth and jammed it shut again.
"You know damn-well how much I love you, Holly. You know damn-well you don't have to act up to have my undivided attention." He swallowed. "We still haven't talked about what happened in San Diego."
"I don't want to talk about Harry."
"Can we talk about your mother? You're still angry at her for dying."
Holly narrowed her eyes. "She didn't just die."
"For killing herself. Me too. I'm still angry."
That surprised her. He could see it rolling around in her head. "Gary and I found her in the car. She looked like she was asleep, but she wouldn't wake up."
"I know. Grandmother told me. I'm still angry about that, too. But somebody reminded me that she'll never get to see you grow up." He smoothed a hand over her hair, following all the way to the end of her braid, and felt that same squeeze he'd felt in his heart the first time he'd seen her ecstatic grin welcome him home from Oz. "Being away from you and your brothers was the worst thing about prison, but in the end I got to come home. I have you now. When I remember that, I don't feel angry anymore. I just feel sorry for her."
Holly's arms slid around him, and he pulled her up into his lap, held her tight. At moments like this, it hard to feel anything but pity for Genevieve.
"She did a terrible thing, Holly, but there was more to her than that one mistake. I remember how happy she was decorating your nursery. I remember her holding the family together when I was on trial. I remember the zoo."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Elliot had just let himself in the door when Toby rang. Even that was enough to make his cheeks heat again. "Did you survive?"
Toby's warm chuckle echoed down the line. "I survived. I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault."
Elliot hated that he was embarrassed. He'd never held back on showing affection for Kathy in front of his kids. He'd had plenty of failings, but never that. But Holly wasn't his daughter, and the whole trail of clothes to the man she never expected to see again... And her repeated reminder that Elliot had hit Toby... And yes, even the gay thing. What felt perfectly natural in bed with Toby was something else altogether when they were caught at it by Toby's angry eleven year-old daughter.
He'd slunk out that door like a whipped dog.
Toby still sounded amused. "I guess that's the danger of Holly's newfound freedom on the subways. It might be time to get a chain lock."
Elliot tossed his keys on the counter and rubbed his face. "How angry is she?"
There was a telling lull. "I'm going to work on that."
Very angry. And more fearsome to Elliot than a seven-foot perp. But those perps didn't have the power to break this fragile new peace he had with Toby.
"Did you listen in?" The tone said Toby hoped he had, to Elliot's relief, that the door left ajar hadn't been an accident.
"A little." He switched the phone between his hands as he shrugged out of his coat. That little eavesdrop was what Elliot had been trying to hold onto for the drive home, instead of his worries. "I do forgive you."
Toby's breath out was loud. "Thank you."
"I will never hit you again."
"I know. I already forgave you."
"I know."
"I wish I hadn't had to kick you out."
"We've got time." It felt like they'd rushed back in, and Elliot wasn't sure that was the best idea, but right now he couldn't regret it. Not with his skin still tingling everywhere Toby had touched. He'd forgotten how it felt to let go of all the pressure, and he floated through to his bedroom, stripping off his hastily thrown-on clothes.
"When can I see you? Holly's at my mother's on Tuesday. We should probably give her some time before asking her to play nice."
Elliot wasn't sure ten years would be enough time. Holly had never forgiven anything of anyone, except Toby, and he was quite sure him assaulting Toby wasn't going to be the first. "Yes - no. I've got dinner with the kids." Elliot hesitated, but he'd feel stupid for keeping it secret. "It's my birthday."
"It's your fortieth! I can't believe I forgot!"
"Don't worry about it."
"We should do something."
"I'm too old for a fuss on my birthday."
"You can't ignore your fortieth!"
Elliot squirmed. Toby sounded as forced and awkward as Elliot felt. If not for their falling out, this birthday would have been a big deal. But things had gone to hell, and Kathleen and the twins still didn't know, and it was all too fresh to be telling them. Maybe next year, when there were no more doubts.
Was he really planning for a year from now?
"Let me know when you're free; I'll cook up something special."
Dinner for two had been special with Kathy, when most of their dinners were a chaos of hungry, fussy, fighting kids. With Toby it was another night in secret, no different to before. Elliot wasn't ready to be introducing his kids, but he wanted something to change.
"There's no rush," Toby said, sounding uncertain. "If you need more-"
"Could we have Olivia over? A dinner party?"
There was a beat of quiet. "Uh, sure. Are you sure?"
"That's what I want for my birthday." The kids could wait but Olivia already knew, and the last time she spoke to Toby he was just a questionable witness. A simple meal would go a long way to making this feel less like a shameful secret.
"Anything you want, El."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dickie came to the doorway, hands full of dirty plates. "It wouldn't kill you to help."
Kathleen shook her head. "Not a chance. Maureen and I cooked; you two clean; Dad doesn't do anything. That was the deal."
"We helped cook!" Lizzie yelled from the kitchen.
"I don't think licking the cake bowl counts as helping."
"Technically, I think that's cleaning," said Elliot.
Kathleen laughed as she stood. "I'm going to the bathroom. You two get the game board set up."
Elliot was glad he could still make her laugh. He rolled his head to look at Maureen. "Thanks. This was a really good birthday."
She took the lid off the box, started sorting out the pieces. "Elizabeth wanted to invite all your friends, make it a surprise party."
"Thanks for not doing that. I'd much rather just have family."
"I thought, maybe Olivia..."
"Maybe some other time. I'm sure she'd love to see you all. She asks after you."
Maureen looked around, as if to be sure they were alone. She was working up to something.
"Whatever it is, Maureen, just ask." Lizzie and Dickie were squabbling and banging dishes in the kitchen, but Kathleen would be back any minute.
She glanced towards the bathroom again. "How are you? Really?"
"I'm fine."
She gave him a sour look.
"Better." He wavered for all of two seconds over whether to tell her. "Toby and I are... We're working things out."
She beamed. "That's great, Dad!"
She thought that because she didn't know what went down. He wondered if she'd be more appalled by Toby's behaviour or his own.
"He really seemed like a nice guy. I wish he could have come tonight."
Resentment curled in his gut. "We're not ready for that." That's what he'd planned back in July. This birthday could have been something special, all Elliot's kids and Toby and Holly, maybe Olivia too, everyone he loved together, if Toby hadn't used Elliot as a stand-in for his rapist twin.
Elliot was glad to have Toby back, but maybe complete forgiveness might be a while coming.
"Are you going to tell them?" She waved towards the kitchen, the bathroom, just as Kathleen came out.
"Not yet, all right?"
Maureen started shuffling cards. "It'll be okay. We all just want you to be happy."
Kathleen gave them a strange look as she dropped into the armchair. "Did I miss something?" Elliot wasn't so sure about her. He wasn't so sure about Dickie and Lizzie, either, but that was what he wanted for his next birthday. To still be with Toby, and to have this all figured out with his family. He knew this year was going to be tough, but if he could have that twelve months from now, it would be worth getting through.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
end chapter 43
Feedback conspires to debauch and corrupt the morals of society. Concrit thoroughly welcome, warm fuzzies treasured. Here or at drsquidlove @@@ livejournal.com
The complete works of Dr Squidlove can be found at http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
S.